sn't the breeze", so that, so how, i'm awful right... (audience laughs) - you, uh, you are right, but just forget, just forget everything i've told you. just say, "can it be the trees that fill the breeze"... - (singing) ? can it be the... ? - trees. - (singing) ? can it be the trees that fill ? the breeze... please... ? - no, i never... (audience laughs) how can it be the trees that fill the breeze with-- - okay, fellas, okay, okay. (laughter and applause) (audience laughs) - i thought i had a good idea and it didn't work. so, if you'll leave now, i'll introduce you later. - [tom] don't you want us to try it again? - no no no. you tried it once... i'll introduce you and you'll do something later. - [tom] (quietly to dick) i told you he didn't know... - of course, ladies and gentlemen, you know those are the smothers brothers. (applause) you know the reason i had them out here at the opening, is i thought for a change it would be kind of nice to have someone else do my theme song instead of that orchestra of mine. when the brass section blows through their instruments, and those fumes fill the breeze, (audience laughs) believe me, it's a rare, but not magic, perfume. (audience laughs) (applause) now, normally, having trouble like that at the opening of a show would upset me, but not anymore. e is your health. yes, sir, that's the important thing. but fortunately, i don't get sick very often because i keep myself in real good condition, you know, physical condition, and the way i do that is by getting plenty of exercise. every morning, i used to get up at 7:00 and turn on my tv set, see, and do all those exercises they show you on television, but after about eight weeks, i had to stop that. those exercises were for women and my whole shape was changing. (audience laughs) as a matter of fact, i didn't notice it myself until one day i, um, well... i'd better save that for the johnny carson show. (audience laughs) and now, ladies and gentlemen, two very fine entertainers, the smothers brothers. (applause) ("boil that cabbage down") ? (lyrics) (slow meter) boil that cabbage down boys ? turn that hoecake 'round (banging on guitar) ) boil that cabbage down boys ? turn that hoecake 'round ? the only song i ever did sing ? is 'boil that cabbage down' ? boil that cabbage down boys ? turn that hoecake 'round ? the only song i ever did sing ? is 'boil that cabbage down' ? - take it, tom! - no. (audience laughs) i said 'no', i didn't wanna take it. - your supposed to take it. aren't you a folk singer? - yes, but i, but i said 'no' 'cause i didn't wanna take it. - wait a minute, you're a folk singer. - and what does the guide book say? it says all folk singers are obligated to do, what? - you're ob, you're sup, obligated to take it. (audience laughs) - without, without hesitation, without thinking. like a reflex, tommy. "take it, tom," boom, boom, boom. - [tom] (loudly) yeah, well i-- - [dick] when i say take it, hop to it! (singing) ? boil that cabbage down ? take it, tom! ughs) (speaking over guitar) hundreds of years ago, the railroads started in america. rugged men of yesteryear went out in the wilderness with vision in their eyes and big nine-pound hammers in their hand. went out in the wilderness to build the great spiderweb of steel rails, the trans-continental railroads that span our country. as these men went out in the wilderness and toiled and inched their way across the vast bosom of america. (audience laughs) but this wasn't just a fun job. there was dangers in this job as they built the railroads up the mountains and down the mountains, and in the, across, uh, the deserts and o'er, over raging river, and they had to span 'cravisses', deep 'cravisses' in the ground, and in the bottom of the 'cravisses', there was 'pewmas'. (audience laughs) with claws and foam coming out these 'pewmas' mouths, and the, and the railroad men, they're going: "woo, look at those 'pewmas' down there! (audience laughs) (audience laughs) "i'm not gonna build - stop it, stop it, stop yourself. - any railroad across the 'craviss', there's 'pewmas' in the 'craviss'! (audience laughs) - what do you think you're doing? there were no pumas in the crevasses because we don't have pumas here. there are no pumas in america. (audience laughs) - well, maybe some came over to visit... now, if you wanna keep your story truthful, you get rid of the pumas right now. - i'm not goin' down in that crevasse. (audience laughs) (speaking over guitar) well there was these, there was these vicious beasts in these deep 'cravisses', and these, these, these rail men said, "wow, look at those vicioius "beasts in the 'craviss' down there! (audience laughs) "sure look like 'pewmas'!" (audience laughs) but they weren't, they... yet the railroads were completed. yet, the trans-continental railroads were completed and a big fea, a big feast was transpired for these rugged railroad men, and the sole 'substistance' for this big feast for these railroad men, the sole 'substistance', was hotcakes boiled in cabbage juice. (audience laughs) not so popular now. (audience laughs) so we have to sing about something else. (audience laughs) ? (lyrics) bought myself a bicycle ? and broke it all to pieces (audience laughs) ? boil that cabbage down boys ? turn that hoecake 'round ? the only song i ever did sing ? is 'boil that cabbage down' ? oh, workin' on the railroad ? workin' all day long - take it. (audience laughs) - now what do you mean, take it? - you di-- have you ever read the folk singer's manual? (audience laughs) (loudly) it says when - alright, alright, you're right. - someone says to take it, - you're right, i'm sorry. - you're supposed to take it. - i'm sorry, i'm sorry. - and you didn't take it! - i'm sorry. i'm very sorry, really, i'm sorry. - (loudly) well don't get belligerent! you didn't take it! (audience laughs) - i said i'm sorry, that's all i can say. i'm sorry. - that's okay, then. don't make anymore mistakes. ? workin' on the railroad, workin' all day long - take it! ? working, working, working, working, ? working, working, working (laughs) ? boil that cabbage down boys (audience laughs) (audience laughs) ? turn that hoecake 'round ? the only song i ever did sing ? turn that hoecake 'round ? the only song i ever did sing ? is 'boil... that... cabbage... ? down'... ? boil, boil, boil, boil, boil, boil, boil, boil ? down' ? down' ? - you know, fellas, that was very, very good. - [dick] thank you. - you know, you boys have been quite successful the last few years. must make you very happy, huh? - well, it makes us happy, but it really makes our family very happy, - oh, your grandmother. - yeah, we have a little old grandmother and she lives up in barney gulch, a little town in northern california, and since we, things have been going well, nobody ever hardly knew her, but now they refer to her as the smothers brothers' mother's mother. (audience laughs) - no! (audience laughs) - yeah, she has a mailbox this long! well, fellas, tell me something about yourself. where did you go to school? - well, we went to high school down here in rodonda beach, california, and then we both went to college. - oh, you went to college. what'd you study? - well, i was studying business administration, and tommy was studying medicine. (audience laughs) - he looks like a 'pewma' to me, i don't know... - yeah, i was gonna be a brain surgeon. (audience laughs) - a brain surgeon? - yeah, i couldn't be 'pewma', there's no 'pewmas'... (audience laughs) - you studied to be a brain surgeon, huh? - yeah, but i decided against it. i mean, you know, i was 18 years old and g my meat for me. (audience laughs) - well, i can see where that might lessen your confidence. - no, i was pretty good with a fork, but a knife, i was lousy. (audience laughs) - so tell me, how did you (laughs)... how did you kids happen to get into show business? - you know, we were watching television, he just kinda stood around and he stared at the audience. - tommy, tommy... - he did, too, he just went out and he stood out there and he kinda... stared at the audience, he didn't do anything. - tommy... - well, the way i figured, if he could go out there and stand around and do nothing, i guess i figured maybe we could do-- - tommy! (audience laughs) (audience laughs) (applause) (audience laughs) he doesn't know what we're talking about. (audience laughs) - i do too! and that was years ago. anyway, i'm glad i was responsible for you going into show business. now, i know you're going to do another number, so what's it gonna be? - how's he know we're gonna do another number? - [benny] oh! - when he pays, he knows. work cheap. (audience laughs) - i know, i know. now just, just do your number. (applause) - we'd like to do a song of a young man who just lost his sweetheart and is feeling very sorry for himself. titled: "i never will marry". ("i never will marry") ? (lyrics) some say that love is a gentle thing ? for the only girl i ever did love ? has gone on that midnight train ? i never will marry ? all of my life ? (dick hums in background) ? (spoken) when i was very young ? i remember there was a little girl ? that lived down the street from me ? and we always used to say that of a childish thing ? and a puppy love ? yet as the years went by ? this puppy love grew into something ? very dear and very precious to me ? you know, they tell us that love is a gentle thing ? but i think each person here who has ? truly loved and been loved has shed a tear ? and experienced heartache ? yet i love her still ? and i swear by all the stars in the sky ? that as long as i live ? i never will marry unless i can marry her ? i'll mess around a little bit though, ya know. (audience laughs) (applause) - you know, there's something about those boys that's very familiar. they remind me of a couple of fellas i met when i was in london in 1944. it was during the war and i was over in europe entertaining the service men, see, well, one night, the enemy planes came over and put on one of the most devastating air raids of the entire war, i'll never forget it. i had finished by show at the theater and i was walking back to my hotel, see, (air raid siren going off) when the sirens started to wail, (bombs exploding) the bombs dropped, and the searchlights were crisscrossing the sky. a bit of 'what for' tonight! - this one's even worse than the other one. (ticking) - shhh. listen. (ticking) (ticking) d"ya hear something? - lord love a duck. (ticking) sounds like we've got a real live bomber out here. - blimey, that's a big 'un! - i'll go get the bomb defusing squad. - there's a bloke under here... - i better hurry! (applause) - here, what are you doin' there? - what am i doing? i tried to catch this for a souvenir. (audience laughs) what am i doing. - he's an edgy one, isn't he? - american, you know. (audience laughs) (whistle blowing) - don't move, hold it! (ticking) you hear it ticking? the slightest little jolt would set the whole thing off. - you mean...? - let me put it this way, gov'nor. if you sneeze, you'll never hear the 'gesundheit'. (audience laughs) - [policeman (dick)] alright, clear the area! clear the area! everybody out! clear the area! - [soldier (tom)] hey, clear the area! he said everybody clear the area! (audience laughs) - for heaven's sake, can't you see i'm trapped under here? - for heaven's sake, can't you see he's trapped under there? (audience laughs) - please, son, get started! take this thing off! - tommy, go ahead and get started. - not until he closes his eyes. - why should i close my eyes? - i don't like anybody lookin' if i make a little mistake, you'll go blabbin' around to everybody. (audience laughs) - if you make a mistake, i won't tell anybody, believe me. (audience laughs) not even the guy who picks up my lips. (audience laughs) - okay, in that case you can watch. - well, thank you. - now first, we've gotta locate the exact area of the mechanism. - yeah, i heard him. - alright, tommy, you get lookin' on that end. i'll look on this end. (ticking) - getting louder. it's getting louder! now it sounds hollow. (audience laughs) - tommy! - shhh, it's talkin' to me. - tommy! - hey the bomb's talkin' to me! it even knows my name, it said 'tommy'! a bomb before. (audience laughs) i knew a board once... (audience laughs) - will ya, fellas, please! - now, let's get this cover off. (ticking) look at this clock! what a beautiful mechanism! - that's an, that, that, that's an xk-41. that's a swiss movement. - it's german movement, xk-41, it's a german-- - (loudly) it's a swiss-- - it is not-- - (yelling) who cares!! (audience laughs) stop talking and work! - it's always the fellas who are just lyin' around there that keep rushin' ya. (audience laughs) - well, why wouldn't i rush you? i don't even think you fellas know what you're doing! - we do too! i just defused a bomb a little while ago, right over there! (bomb explodes) (girl in audience screams) (audience laughs) (audience laughs) - tommy, i thought you said you defused that bomb. - i did what i always do. i detached the white wire from the blue wire. - it's supposed to be the green wire from the blue wire. - i, i thought it was the white wire. (audience laughs) - no, no, it's always been the green wire from the blue wire. - well, just a little mistake. if you were perfect, and if you were perfect, and i was perfect, what kind of world would this be? this would be some world, believe me. - look, if i want philosophy, i can listen to bertrand russell. (audience laughs) or jack parr. (audience laughs) now get back to work, will ya? (ticking) - well, according to this clock, we've got about two minutes before the bomb goes off, so we better hurry. - yeah, i'll get behind this cogwheel here, - hey, tommy, i just noticed something. you know who this is? - no, who? - jack benny! - you mean the guy that's been playing at the palladium? - yeah, jack benny! - are you really? (audience laughs) - yes, yes, i'm jack benny! - hey, nice to meet you. don't get up. (audience laughs) nto show business, mr. benny, and we'd sure like to do a number for ya. - but there's no time! you said yourself there's only two minutes left on the bomb! - great! - okay, let's do that special song we've been working on. - yes, that, that, that's a-- - we've only got two minutes! - that's alright, the song takes a minute. (audience laughs) - this is kind of a funny number. if you feel like laughin', go right ahead. (audience laughs) - lookit, boys... - what tempo? ("jimmy cracked corn") ? jimmy cracked corn and i don't care ? jimmy cracked corn and... ? i don't care, i don't care ? - that's not the way it goes. - i don't care. (audience laughs) - how'd you like that one? - fine, fine! - how 'bout an encore? - never mind the encore! we've only got a few seconds left! - he didn't get it, let's do it again. (audience laughs) ? jimmy cracked corn and i don't care - fellas, fellas! ? jimmy cracked corn and-- - fellas, fellas, fellas! (explosion) (audience yells in surprise) - fellas, fellas, i'm sorry. if i told my producer once, i told him a thousand times, when we do a sketch, don't use a real bomb. (applause) - hey, dickie, you know that i can just see it in tomorrow's headlines in the papers: "bennys bomb smothers brothers". (laughs) (audience laughs) - yeah. (applause) - [voiceover] jack will be back in just a minute - thanks, boys, thanks very much for being on the show. - yeah, you know, you know, this is one of the dirtiest shows i've ever been on. (audience laughs) (applause) ("love in bloom") - [voiceover] from hollywood, the jack benny program! (relaxed music) - thank you, thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to our show. you know, i'm quite excited tonight, because i just found out that our program and naturally in these foreign countries we have different sponsors than we have here. like, for instance, in mexico our show is sponsored by a company that makes a tamale cooked in wine sauce. (canned laughter) it's called the jolly tamale. (canned laughter) that manufactures a hari-kari pocket knife. (canned laughter) since i've been on they can't make them fast enough! (canned laughter) sort of gets you right here, you know? then let's see where else.... i mean it's not a powder or a cream or a spray. you just pull out the pin, count three, and throw it. (canned laughter) now, you see- - jack, jack, hold it, please. - what? - on the air, you'll cut your monologue right here. - why? why do you always have to cut my jokes while we're rehearsing right now? i mean, why don't you cut something else? - if i had a hari-kari knife, i would. alright, everybody, take five! five minutes? well, look, as long as this is a rehearsal, why don't we just go through the show? - because we're supposed to rehearse dennis day's number next, and he's not here. - oh, for heaven's sake. here am i, it's my show, i'm always on time, and i can't find dennis. he's always late-- - mr. benny, mr. benny! - yes? - i'm a new stage hand here, and i've been an admirer of yours for years and years, and i thought lad to. - write to me personally! - to you, ok. i say, what's your name? - herman, herman e. verdexiphlusjk. (canned laughter) - herman what, what was that last name? - verdexiphlusjk. (canned laughter) - herman e. verdexiflux...? - verdexiphlusjk. - i see, i see. you spell that? - v-e-r-d-e-x-i-p-h-l-u-s-j-k. (canned laughter). verdexiphlusjk. - verdexiphlusjk, i see. that's a strange bunch of letters there. how'd you ever get a name like that? - my father used to make eye charts. - it's easier if you cover one eye. (canned laughter) here, try. - verdexiphlusjk, i got it. did i spell it right? - yeah, uh, most of that. ned laughter) thank you very much! oh, i've been a great admirer of yours for years and years, big fan. - thanks, thanks, that's very, very nice. (applause) well i've seen everything now. don, will you finish the sandwich so we can get going with our rehearsal? we've got a big show coming on! - well jack, if this is such a big show, i saw him the other night, and we're very fortunate that we've got him. - where did you find him? - i'll tell you where i found him. you know, the other night i was working very, very late in my office, you see, and uh.... - mm-hmm. want a bite? - yes, thank you. and i worked late, so i was driving home, you know, afterwards, and then just for a little relaxation, you see, as i usually do-- - want some more? - no, no thank you. for relaxation i stopped in ben blue's night club. (cheerful music) - good evening, mr. benny, how many tonight? - oh, i'm alone. - again? (canned laughter) - what do you mean, "again"? i came in early last night, and i brought a girl with me. - bringing the hat check girl to work doesn't count. (canned laughter) - well never mind, just show me to my table, will you, please? - alright, right down there, second table on the right. - when you don't tip, you get nothing. (canned laughter) oh well, i'm used to it. - hello, mr. benny! i saw you come in, so i brought you your usual drink. - pineapple? - well, this is a night club, and we don't want anybody to know you're drinking hot chocolate! (canned laughter) would you bring me another marshmallow? - do you think you can handle it? (canned laughter) - just go and get it! - yes, certainly. (trumpet fanfare) (applause) - good evening ladies and gentlemen. it's show time at ben blue's supper club, manipulator, and mentalist of all time. this man has baffled the nation with his-- - (thumbs snapping) ok, i'm ready! (canned laughter) - ladies and gentlemen, presenting the world's greatest magician, shandu! let's bring him out here! (applause) (humorous big band music) - sahib! - ah, it's good to have you back again! - it's nice to return to these parts, my good man! - it's so nice to see that smiling face of yours! - it's nice to see your smiling kisser, too. (canned laughter) - (laughs) shandu, i understand that you've traveled extensively. - this i have, no less, i have this, no less, this i have, no less. - you've been-- - i have, no less, regardless of man or beast, this i have, no less, this i have. - i know, that you've traveled. - this i have. i have this. (laughs) this i. - would you like to tell the lovely ladies and gentlemen where you've been? - no. (laughter) (laughs) - ladies and gentlemen, shandu will now answer any question on any subject. biology, astrology, nuclear fission-- - where you're from, your next governor, anything your pricier admission allows-- - just anything at all! are you ready? - i'm always ready. - you're always ready. oh, shandu, i have a young lady! - oh, send her up. - no, no no, shandu, quickly, i want you to tell me this young lady's name. - the lady's name is starting to come to me. her name is uh, let me see now, her name is cosgrove? - joe cosgrove? - false. - jill cosgrove? - no. - frank cosgrove? - no. - dexter cosgrove, mordecai cosgrove, cindy cosgrove? - just a moment. it's not cosgrove. - think of that, is that so? - it's a girl's name, a simple name, like "helen" or "mary"! - oh, helen! - no. - mary? - no. (laughter) try "francis"! - francis! - no! - what are you trying this for? - look, it's very simple, i'll give you a little hint. - she's sitting there with her husband! - excess baggage? (laughter) - something to do with a train! - oh, i see, her name is small trunk? - no. - caboose. - false. - hot rod. - no. - observation platform. - incorrect! - something to do with a train. - no, no, you're not concentrating-- - choo choo, whoo whoo! - shandu, look, it's very simple! - really? - something to do with a train, right? upper and lower-- - gums? (laughter) - upper ber, lower ber-- - her name is berberber? - b-b-ber! - her name is beer baher. - no, ber-ber-ber-- - or baher? - no, ber ber ber ber-- - her name is ramukaboo. - a ber ber ber-- - bigabagaboobee.... i'm getting a headache with this. (laughter) her name is ra-- why did you pick her? (laughs) shandu, you're not getting it, it's very simple! look, b-e-- - her name is bertha! - (claps) right, there you are! (humorous big band music) (applause) ladies and gentlemen, tonight i'd like to do something for you i think is very strange and mystifying. this trick here, ladies and gentlemen, i think you'll be sure that i do not use any of my own help, so i will ask for volunteers from the audience. anybody, anybody please step up on the stage here. that elderly gentleman right there drinking the hot chocolate. (canned laughter) - how did he know? (canned laughter) - right this way, sir. - i don't need any help! just watch my drink. - yes. - do you think you can make it? thank you, how do you do, sir? - how do you do. - what is your name? - benny, jack benny. - oh, i see. have you ever seen me before? - no, no i haven't. - have you ever heard of me? - no, no. - that makes us even. we have right here a bag, and this is known as the laundry bag. now i'll get into the bag, when i say "ready" i jump out, and would you mind examining it, please, here? he's examining the bag. - well, it seems like just a laundry bag. - an ordinary laundry bag, ladies and gentlemen! here's a gun, now when i say "shoot," you just fire away. now don't shoot till i say "ready," please. - now wait a minute! this is no trick, you're not fooling anybody, watch this. hey, come here will you, bring that out here. watch this. (gun shot) (canned laughter) - gee. - now when i say "ready," please, go right ahead. ready! ready! you had too many marshmallows. (canned laughter) (indistinct)! please, would you mind shooting that thing? - are you ready, shandu? - i'm ready! (gun shots) (trumpet fanfare) (applause) (applause) - i'm sorry i'm late, mr. benny, but look, i've got a note from my mother. (canned laughter) - a note from her mother, huh? what am i, a school teacher or something? (canned laughter) it says, "please excuse my son dennis for being late, "but this morning we had to rush him to the hospital "and have his appendix taken out." this is a very, very funny letter! - yeah, it sure is! - then why aren't you laughing? - it'll break the stitches. (canned laughter) - now cut that out! - that's what they did! (canned laughter) - dennis, i want to ask you something. if you had your appendix taken out this morning, , but don't ask me to dance. (canned laughter) - dennis! (laughs) - ooh, the stitches! (moans) - now stop that silly talk! - jack, jack! - what? - shandu just arrived, he's in his dressing room. - the magician? - yes. - oh, is he here? - yes, and he asked me to give you his card. - oh, wonderful! (canned laughter) - i'm busy. (canned laughter) (claps hands) (liquid pouring) (canned laughter and applause) (canned laughter) - beer! hey, that's a very, very good trick! - can i put it in your show? - no, no, no, listen, the only thing i want in my show, i just want that laundry bag trick, that's all. - oh, that's easy, jack, you could do it yourself, it's bullet proof! - what? - bullet proof. - you mean that a bullet can't go through this material? i thought it was just an ordinary laundry bag! my goodness, i'm amazed, i was surprised when you jumped out of it alive! - jack, nobody can jump out of a bag like i do. that's the exciting part of the trick! i get in, i say "ready," gun shots, i jump out, voila! - no, we must do it, we must do it on our show, it's just wonderful! - i have one more trick. - no, no, i just want this trick. - just a second. - no, no, i don't want any other tricks! - this is easy, i hang by my teeth, i pick up-- - i know, but i don't it, i just want this one. - but look, ben, i-- - let me show it to you, jack! let me show it to you! - alright, alright, just once! - move there! - i don't know, but i don't want this! - just go ahead, go on! - but ben, i don't want it! - [voice outside] jack, jack, you'd better get dressed, we're on the air soon! - what? (snap, thwack) (canned laughter) - ok, i'll take it out. - i'm sorry, but lookit, ben, you'd better be ready. now don't forget, be ready as soon as you can, shandu, - ok, fine. - i'll practice jumping in the bag! and jumping out, too! (thwack) (thump) (canned laughter) - you know, ladies and gentlemen, i would like to tell you many more jokes, but i'm very, very anxious for you to see one of the greatest tricks that has ever been known, any-- - jack, jack, jack! can i see you a minute? - excuse me, just a minute! what is it, don? - jack, i've looked all over for shandu, and i can't find him anywhere! - but shandu, i just left him in the dressing room! - he's not there! - oh, for heaven's sake. well don, you entertain the audience, and i'll go out and look for him. - alright, alright, hurry up. ladies and gentlemen, while jack is gone.... (canned laughter) - shandu? shandu! oh, for heaven's sake, where'd he go when i need him. - mr. benny, mr. benny, don is running out of fat jokes. you'd better get back out on the stage. - but what good will that do? this is where i told the audience we were going to have shandu out there with that wonderful trick, and he's disappeared! - oh my gosh, what are we going to do? you told the audience we were going to show them a great trick! - i don't know what i'm going to do, i-- could do it myself! well it's a cinch. dennis, you go out and tell don wilson to introduce shandu. - oh, but mr. benny-- - don't worry about it, i'll take care of it! he told me i could do it, don't worry about it! go on. hurry up, tell don to introduce shandu. (door slams) oh, brother, what you have to go through to put on a television show. oh, i don't know, maybe this will calm me down a little bit. (liquid pouring) with the featured part of the show. as mr. benny promised, you are about to see the most fantastic magician in the world, the one and only shandu! ic) (canned laughter) - i am shandu the magician. i will now do the most mystifying trick ever brought to you from the orient. but first i will need my assistant! (humorous big band music) - alright, that's enough! (canned laughter) now, my assistant will get into this plain, ordinary laundry bag, and while he's in there i will fire four, or six bullets, right into the-- come back here! shoot six bullets through me, i'll get killed! - dennis, this isn't an ordinary laundry bag, this is bullet proof! don't worry, now get in! - oh no, not me. - alright, ladies and gentlemen, i will get into the bag, and my assistant will shoot six bullets into me! - i sure hope my mother is watching! (slap) (canned laughter) - i will get into the bag, and when i say "fire," fire. (canned laughter) well go ahead, you stupid kid! when i say "ready," fire! ready! (gun shot) - i missed the bag. (canned laughter) - oh, for heaven's sake, now we have to do it over again! for heaven's sake, aim right at me, will you? aim steady! ok, now when i say "ready," fire. ready! (gun shots) (applause) - mr. benny, did you say that laundry bag was bullet proof? - yes. - well take a look in the bag, there are four bullet holes in it! (canned laughter) - goodness! there's four bullets! - gee, mr. benny, your wallet saved your life! you could have been killed! - i know. see, i had 500 dollars in there. (canned laughter) dennis, look at it, you ruined my money! , you couldn't aim for my head! you and your stupid aim, you had to ruin my money. all you had to do was aim for my head, that's all, that's all. you're the stupidest guy (drowned out by applause) (trumpet fanfare) - jack will be back with his guest star, (applause) - thank you! thank you very, very much, ladies and gentlemen, i hope you all enjoyed the show. and now i'd like to bring out for a bow my guest star, who played shandu, mr. ben blue. (humorous big band music) arn a silly dance like that? who taught that to you? - well, jack, for your information, i was taught by i think the world's greatest terpsichorean artist. - oh, nijinksy? - no. - arthur murray? - no. try cosgrove. (canned laughter) - cosgrove? - no. anyway, thanks very, very much. - thank you, jack, thank you! (applause) (cheerful band music) [doorbell rings] dennis: i'll get it! never mind, dennis. i'll get it. oh, hi, doc. henry. hi, dr. sinclair. hi, dennis. jeepers, i hardly knew you without your white stuff on. how are you? oh, you're fine. i know. is that it, doc? mm-hmm. dennis, why don't you go out and play. have we got some kind of a secret going on around our house? nothing that concerns you. well, hello, dr. sinclair. nice to see you. hello, alice. honey, doc has the p-l-a-q-u-e.