E going to blow thee on. audience laughing mrs. Naugatuck, this is going to be a fabulous party, the most fantastic party ever. I mean, i guarantee you, this is not going to be one of those typical new years eve disasters where all the guests sit around waiting for guy lombardo to come on while two drunks throw up in their paper hats. audience laughing your dull partys going to be any better . Because i have a big surprise, the greatest, most funfilled idea i have ever had for a party. And id tell you what it is, except you have a big mouth. audience laughing i couldnt care less. Youre going to hear it whether you want to or not. audience laughing do you know what it is . Do you know what it is . Something that hasnt been done in years. Isnt that marvelous . I planted little gifties all over the house. The guest who finds the most little gifties gets a really big giftie as a prize. Whats the prize . A paper hat to throw up in . audience laughing mrs. Naugatuck, dont be silly. Its going to be a jolly time. Viv, isnt it going to be a jolly time . Oh, shut up, maude. Maude, just look at this. These crumbs were a cake for your Party Tonight until my microwave oven blew up. audience laughing its all your fault. My fault . Yes, if it werent for your dump party, i could have gotten another days use out of my oven. I just hate new years eve parties. Oh, vivian, you are going to have the best time you have ever had at a Party Tonight because i have a brilliant idea, vivian, a surprise. Just hope its better than your Party Last Year when we all sat around waiting for guy lombardo and george freebody threw up in his paper hat. I spoke to estelle ellinger today. [maude] so did i. Do you know that she had the nerve to call up and sniff around for an invitation . I did not invite her. Vivian how could you invite estelle and herman ellinger to my party . Theyre always fighting. Well, so are you and walter. I thought we could use a little variety. audience laughing well, ill tell you one thing. Tonights party is foolproof. Not even the ellingers can ruin it. Happy new year, arthur. Happy new year, my metatarsal arch audience laughing whats the matter, sweetums . I had a flat tire on the thruway. [maude] aw. Then he helped you change your tire . He did no such thing. He robbed me. He held me up. He got 35 and a months supply of rubber fingers. audience laughing how i hate new years eve parties. Everybody gets drunk and asks for free medical advice. What really bothers arthur is he gets drunk e laughing listen, arthur, i promise you, even you are going to have a ball tonight. Philip, philip, philip, philip, philip. How would you like to do grandma a little favor for her Party Tonight . Leave me a lone, grandma. Im a kid and im cranky audience laughing vivian, how would you like to do grandma a little favor tonight, and at the stroke of midnight come downstairs wearing a diaper . audience laughing thats just a little extra trimming. audience laughing [mrs. Naugatuck] not for what im getting paid. audience laughing happy new year at last, at last somebody with a little holiday spirit. Ill see you all in 75. Im going right to bed. audience laughing walter, you come right back down here. Maude, dont give me a hard time. I just found out why he had such a big belly. He walked out of the store with two toasters, a clockradio and a portable Color Television set audience laughing the same to you, philip one more word out of you and im going to wake you up and force you to come down to your grandmothers lousy new Years Eve Party. audience laughing let me tell you something, little lady. Its still not too late for me to force you to take accordion lessons. audience laughing dont snap at walter, vivian. arguing come on, now, wait a minute. Its new years eve. Were supposed to be celebrating, remember . [carol] celebrating what . Theres nothing to celebrate. Because of inflation, im going broke 74 was the worst year of my life. I agree with walter. It was a terrible year. Watergate, the energy crisis. [vivian] and those disgusting movies, the green door and the devil and miss jones. Disgusting is right. Listen, ill grant everybody that 74 wasnt such a hot year, but we can celebrate the coming year, 1975. 75 is going to be even worse. Who says so . President ford says so, and he never says anything. audience laughing applauding now listen here, walter, you have no business all talking at once knock it off, walter knock it off, carol. Knock it off, viv. Knock it off, arthur. door slams knock it off, philip audience laughing look, i grant you all that there is usually nothing duller in the world than a new Years Eve Party, and ill also grant you that theres not much to celebrate about 74 or 75, but, kids, i have the worlds greatest new Years Eve Party idea. You want to know what it is . Come on, beg me. Beg me, beg me, beg me. Enough begging, ill tell you. audience laughing but i must swear you all to secrecy. I dont want any of the other guests to hear about this. This is something. Are you ready . Are you ready . A Scavenger Hunt. [walter] what . It is a lost art. Ive hidden little gifties all over the house. audience laughing Scavenger Hunts are fun. You see . You see . You see . Even vivian says theyre a lot of fun. Sure, i loved the Scavenger Hunt last night at the martins. You lie audience laughing the martins did not have a Scavenger Hunt. They had a Scavenger Hunt. How can i have a Scavenger Hunt now . Ill be the laughing stock of tuckahoe. Theyll boot me out of the beauty parlor. Dont panic. Maybe youve got better gifties. I doubt it. She had gifties from guccis. Shut up, vivian audience laughing my party is ruined the whole night is ruined [walter] so what, maude . It was a rotten year anyway. I dont want to celebrate 74 or 75 if i was going to celebrate a year, id pick a year that i liked, like 1937 or 42 or 58. All right, you do that. You do that, walter i wash my hands of the whole thing. Walter, thats it, thats the party. Walter, thats the party this is going to be the greatest new Years Eve Party ever mother, what are you talking about . [maude] look, nobody liked 74, right . [all] right, thats right. Why dont we each pick our favorite year and come as that year. [all] what a great idea thats not a bad idea. Well all pick our most nostalgic year to celebrate. Now, wait a minute, wait, wait. Now, listen. Everybody has to wear something that is symbolic of what he or she was doing that particular year. Oh, carol, you call the other guests. The list is over there. This is going to be the greatest new Years Eve Party. Tell me, mrs. Naugatuck, what was your favorite year . I dont know, but i can tell you my least favorite year. 1492. audience laughing if columbus hadnt discovered this flipping country, i wouldnt be working here tonight attention are you eligible for medicare . The medicare enrollment deadline is just a few weeks away. Changes to medicare plans could impact your healthcare costs. Are you getting all the benefits available to you . New plans are now available that could increase your benefits and lower how much you pay out of pocket. To update your coverage or enroll for the first time call healthmarkets. Well help you make sure you have the right medicare plan. Hi, im doctor martin gizzi. Its a new medicare year. That means more changes. And more confusion. 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Make sure you have what you need to get the care thats right for you. You have only a few weeks left. If you miss the deadline, you may have to wait another year before enrolling. Call a licensed healthmarkets agent now. This number by the deadline. And let healthmarkets find the right medicare plan for you without cost or obligation. Call now. Now is the time for us to present to you the star of her 1945 College Freshman review, the brunette bombshell audience applause gypsy rose findlay audience laughing take it all off encore encore [carol] did she really do that . [vivian] oh, i loved it, i loved it it brought the house down of course, when i did it originally i got six curtain calls. The entire Sigma Chi Fraternity rose as one man and chased me across campus. audience laughing i let two of them catch me. audience laughing oh, 1945. The great year was 1952. Wow i still get the chills when i think of me being in that Great Convention hall listening to thousands and thousands of voices chant, i like ike i like thats thousands of voices. I like ike [maude] and arthur, arthur, dont forget his Vice President , milhous whatshisname . And his dog checkers. audience laughing if only that dog could have talked. audience laughing applauding singing i left my heart at the stage door canteen. [maude] oh, frankie wait a minute, walter. Thats not all you left at the canteen. audience laughing maude when i was in the army, i weighed 235 pounds. Oh, come on, walter, 235 pounds . Thats right. That must be the ellingers. [carol] crackers anyone . Jonathan, would you like some crackers . I hope at least tonight they are not arguing. ellingers arguing wait, wait a minute, dont tell me. Youve come as the year of the dempseytunney fight. audience laughing estelle, why do you keep slapping me . Because i love to slap you well, youre going to all right, knock it off audience laughing applauding oh, thats aunt polly. I didnt any place to leaver her. Shes 94 years old. 93 she lies about her age. But she loves parties. So do i. Especially ones without him. All right, then, you just stay here. Im going to the harrisons party. Not without me, you dont. [maude] wait a minute. Hey guys guys you forgot aunt polly. Oh, the hell with them polly, want a cracker . audience laughing applauding cut everybody out of my will. audience laughing thats a lovely sentiment. Aunt polly, would you care for some champagne . audience laughing well one thing, aunt pollys a cheap drunk. audience laughing smile, mrs. Naugatuck, its new years eve. Nce laughing i must say, you know how to cheer a person up all right. audience laughing applauding maude findlay. [maude] what did i tell you . Didnt i say it would be funfilled . Look at all the guests. Yes, its funfilled, but you havent said a single word to me since you came downstairs, and after all the trouble i went to with my costume. Oh, viv, honey, im sorry. Now let me look at you. Oh my, dont you look precious im celebrating the happiest year of my life, when i was only five years old and my daddy loved me the most. He used to buy me dollies, and great big lollipops, and he took me to the park and he pushed me on the swings, and he would teeter totter with me. audience laughing everybody, everybody. audience laughing and applauding isnt this sweet . No not six, five five years old. Well, all right vivian [vivian] not six six i hate hate, hate six [maude] vivian when i was six years old my fathers love for me was destroyed by an outside force. [maude] oh, vivian, a divorce . No, my rotten baby brother was born audience laughing he and my daddy spent the rest of their lives shooting baskets. Why wasnt i a good dribbler . audience laughing hold a spoon in front of aunt pollys mouth, see if shes still breathing. audience laughing remember dear, shes 92. 91 audience laughing aw, vivian, honey, im sorry. Come on, dear heart, youre spoiling the party. Oh, arthur, leave vivian alone. Well i dont understand why she picked that year if it makes her so miserable. For heavens sake, she could have picked a good year like mine, 1952. There was trouble in the middle east maudes right, arthur. 1952 was a rotten year. Its a good a year as your lousy year, walter. Lousy year . Ill have you know that 1942 was a great year. Oh, sure, a great year, walter. Great for hitler, mussolini, hirohito, hildegard. All i meant was that it was a swell year for me personally. I was a young guy in the army without any responsibilities. They must have been hard up to go out with a 235 pound pfc. audience laughing applauding they were, thats what i liked about them. audience laughing oh, come on, walter, 42 was a grim year. Daddy. [maude] vivian my fingers were too stubby to hold a basketball. [maude] vivian, will you grow up . Oh yeah . Well, that year youre celebrating, 1945, was the worst year of your life and you know it. That is not true, vivian. I remember your complexion, maude. You were the campus zits queen. audience laughing [maude] vivian and the entire Sigma Chi Fraternity didnt chase you across campus. It was harold farquhar, the zit king audience laughing and, lets not forget that was the year you met your first husband, haha i dont want to hear about 45 anymore, ever again. What was wrong with meeting your first husband . He was my father. For that i will always love him, carol. And you would be the zits princess. audience laughing [carol] mother. Dont you mother me, miss motorcycle 1961. Of all the thoughtless years you could have chosen. That was the year that i was not only getting a divorce from my second husband, but i fell asleep under the dryer and all my hair fell out. audience laughing for three months i looked like yul brynner. audience laughing yeah, except you were taller. In the world in those days. You drove me crazy well, youd be wild too if you had no father and a bald mother. audience laughing maudey, stop attacking the poor girl just because your year turned out to be a big flop. My year, arthur . [walter] what about your year, arthur . You leave my year alone oh, i hate everybodys year arguing forgive me for interrupting, but since nobody can decide on a favorite year, id like to propose a toast to my favorite minute. Oh, aunt polly, please dont trouble yourself. Oh, well, when you get to be my age, 89, audience laughing but what is important is whats happening now. Now . Now, baby. audience laughing applauding aunt pollys right, you know. Even though i have been complaining all night, the fact is that i work for the findlays, lovely thing to say. And id like to smell your breath. audience laughing so would i. audience laughing god love you all oh, mrs. Naugatuck, come back here, dear. Indulging our egos over a lot of silly years in the past, years that really werent half as nice as we remember them. [walter] come on, everybody. Aunt pollys absolutely right. The present is what counts. Here, here Auld Lang Syne on tv its new years oh happy 1875 audience laughing aunt polly, aunt polly, not 1875, 1975. I agree. Right on audience laughing applauding walter, happy now, walter. [walter] happy now, maude. . Donny hathaway . Lady godiva was a freedom rider . Women . Ooh ooh ooh. . . She didnt care if the whole world looked . . Joan of arc with the lord to guide her . . Ooh ooh ooh. . . She was a sister who really cooked . . Ooh ooh. . . Isadora was the first bra burner . . Oh, yeah . . And when the country was fallin apart . . Betsy ross got it all sewed up . . And then theres maude . . And then theres maude . . And then theres maude . . And then theres maude . . And then theres maude . . And then theres maude . . And then theres . . That uncompromisin, enterprisin . . Anything but tranquilizin . Are you home already . Mother, why are you so upset . Im not upset. Im just terribly annoyed because i wasted an entire afternoon. Ill tell you why shes so upset. Shes upset because of the four things that psychic predicted are going to happen to her. chuckles oh first, shes going to get a phone call from a mysterious stranger. Oh, come on. Now, vivian, thats one right out of the beginners gypsy handbook. Is going to suffer a severe Emotional Trauma. Vivian, everybody close to me suffers severe Emotional Trauma. Third, shes going to receive some good news. And fourth carol, i want you to hear this. Imagine telling me, who has been married four times, that im going to be married a fifth time. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ke that happening to me . Yes. And to think i got you your first training bra. And then you broke training. Your Insurance Company wont replace the full value of your totaled new car. The guy says you picked the wrong insurance plan. No, i picked the wrong Insurance Company. With Liberty Mutual new car replacement . , about replacing your car because youll get the full value back including depreciation. Make the switch to Liberty Mutual and see why weve been awarded highest in Customer Satisfaction by j. D. Power. Call for a free quote today. Liberty stands with you . Getting married again is a lot more interesting than getting a phone call from a mysterious stranger. phone rings oh the phone call from the mysterious stranger come on. If you think im gonna climb the walls every time the telephone rings. Thats ridiculous. A mysterious stranger. Hello there, old friend. Yes, this is the lady of the house. Who is this . If i can sing the Campbell Soup jingle, uh, well, no, im sorry, i dont know it. Tell me, hows the wife . Listen. You must call me and lets have lunch together someday. Nice talking to you. You see, vivian, ive spoken to that man thousands of times. Maude, that was the mysterious stranger. Nonsense, vivian.