sucks sucks walter, are you gonna smoke that pipe or play it . sucking its clogged. sucking where. sucking sucking where are my. sucking where are my. Out with it, walter where are your sucking what . My pipe cleaners. How should i know where your pipe cleaners are. Maude, i need something long and fuzzy to clean my pipe. Maybe youll like me to starch your caterpillar. All right, maude, i wont smoke my pipe. loud clinking walter, will you stop . youre driving me up the wall its only been a week since i took up pipe smoking. Youll get used to it. Never, walter. Never. Carpet. Furthermore, your mustache is beginning to turn yellow. Its like kissing a molting canary. For crying out loud a man cant even enjoy a pipe i mean, whats wrong with that . Ive given up cigarettes and ive quit drinking. What other pleasures are there . Which reminds me, walter, you seem to have given that up, too. Ill tell you what im talking about, walter findlay. Your husbandly duties. I cant help it if im tired, maude. With the inflation and the high prices, come on now, walter. This is one function we cannot blame on nixon. Dont blame it all on me, maude. Sunday night i was awake. Or was it monday . You know, honey, im beginning to realize whats happening to you. The flashes of temper, the pipe, the bedroom, your new shoes theyre all symptomatic. What are you talking about . These shoes are the latest things. Theyre stylish. Theyre comfortable. Take them off, walter. What for . Take them off. Take them off and ill show you. All right. I will. Is it a crime for a man to wanna feel as tall as his wife . You poor man. You know, walter, whats happening to you is exactly what we saw on that tv special the other night. No, walter. Male menopause. You gotta be kidding. I am not kidding, walter. Youre exactly like that man on the show. The middleaged one with the mustache . Wearing the fancy sports jacket, the high heels and and smoking the pipe. For crying out loud, maude. That was Walter Cronkite im talking about the other man i hate to disappoint you, maude, but i am not going through male menopause. I mean, every time you see a television show, you become an expert on something. You are putty in the hands of the media, maude. Oh, very perceptive, walter. Particularly coming from a man who keeps a shoebox full of baseball cards under his bed. All right, maude, thats it. Ive had it i dont wanna hear about it anymore i cant do anything around this house youre the only one who can do things around this house. But not walter. Oh, no, not walter. I cant smoke my own pipe, with it. Im gonna go into the den and be as tall as i want. Why is this thing always stuck . Kick it with one of your high heels, walter. sobbing oh, maude maude oh, boy. Just what i needed, miss tiny tears. Vivian, i love you. Go home. sobbing oh, maude, arthur and i arthur and i are having the fight of our lives and you wanna bring it over here to Madison Square garden. You dont understand. Its all on account of my little dog, chuck . Well, you know, arthurs always hated chuck he treats that dog like an animal. Vivian, will you have a heart . Youre talking to a woman who just found out her husband wears wedgies. Vivian you dont care oh, all right you dont care all right, vivian. Tell me about it. Well. It all started this afternoon, and its all arthurs fault he provoked poor little chuck and do the worst thing a dog can do to a man. He lifted his leg. And then arthur. Did something unspeakable he retaliated. sobs aid, an eye for an eye. walter blows his pipe walter, what the hell are you doing now . Going through male menopause. Cant you go through it in the den . Dont start with me, maude. Will you, please, listen to me . Arthur wants to give chuck away, maude oh, you know how much that little dog means to me. Hes like my little baby maude, please, wont you talk to arthur . All right, all right, all right, vivian. Anything is better than standing here, talking to you. Walter, if you have any compassion at all, comfort this woman. And vivian, if you have any sense at all, dont listen to him. Walter, sniffles im so upset. Vivian, i guarantee you im at least twice as upset as you are. Maybe more. You couldnt be arthur is impossible do you know what its like living with a man who puts shoetrees in his slippers . Vivian, please, dont cry. around here, every minute its walter, do this. Walter, do that. Godll get you for this. Godll get you for that. Its like living with a billy graham in drag. I know i shouldnt be doing this. Psychologically, itsits masochistically selfdestructive. Where did you hear a thing like that . From maude she saw it on a television program. In deep psychological terms. Arthur, youre a dummy. Maybe so, but im gonna be a dummy without a dog. I dont trust that mutt. Hes manicdepressive. One minute he licks. The next minute he barks. Arthur, youre being absolutely absurd. You think so, do you . Do you know what vivian does for that dog . She makes homecooked meals for him. She knits sweaters for him. She even gets up in the middle of the night to take him for a walk. Arthur, you what i think . I think youre jealous. Ha ha ha me, jealous of a dog . Ho ho ho a man, maybe. But a dog . I got more brains in my Little Finger than hes got in all four paws. Dont tell anybody, will you, maudie . Its awful. A licensed physician, jealous of an unlicensed dog. You stand to lose something very valuable, and you should apologize. Apologize to a dog . Im talking about vivian youyou think vivian would would leave me . Well. Arthur, chuck is. Chuck is her baby. She thinks of him as her child. For vivians sake, arthur, try to think of chuck as your son. sighs chuck. barks son. Its arthur harmon. Dad. Ive been thinking the whole thing over, and im gonna give you one more chance. sniffles and weeps oh, im sorry, walter. I know i shouldnt be doing this. Oh, thats all right, vivian. Your tears are no wetter than mine. Your tears are no wetter than mine. Thats poetry. Youre lyrical. sobs well, just a little. sobbing but i really shouldnt be bothering you like this. Thats all right, vivian. Thats what friends are for. sobbing you know, walter . If i were your wife, id never treat you the way maude does. I think youre a very sensitive man. Oh . And very attractive, too. Attractive . Well, i cant take credit for that. I mean, you either are or you arent. Needs underunderstanding andand care. And i dont think maude is capable of accepting that. And you need a man who has patience. Arthur doesnt understand anything. Poor chuck. I love dogs. Somehow, i knew you would. Oh, im sorry. No, no. Please, i love pipes. Really . Oh, yes oh, i think a pipe makes a man look so. Distinguished. puffing you know, vivian . Hmm . The perfect thing would be a dog who smoked a pipe. Yes. Oh, yes that was a joke, vivian. Oh giggling you youre so witty. giggles thats another thing. Maude doesnt appreciate my sense of humor. I think you have a wonderful sense of humor. You can blow smoke rings, too. Well, just. When i feel like it. This is ridiculous. This is crazy. Whats happening to me . What is it . I. I dont know, im. Well, im feeling so much for youyou so much for your problem. Oh its crazy. What . Well, for a second there, i felt like. Kissing you. Oh, its crazy oh, no, no, no its not. Dont dont feel embarrassed, walter, because, just for a moment, i felt like kissing you. But arthurs my best friend. And maudes my best friend. Theres nothing between you and me, vivian. Thank god were adult, and we dont have to make a mistake and complicate our lives. Thats right how many times . How many times when the four of us have been out together having a perfectly lovely evening have you been. Undressing vivian with your eyes . Stripping her clean like a plucked chicken . how many times, walter . never never . Here i thought you liked me for myself, walter now, i realize all this time, youve only been lusting after my wife. Arthur dont touch me oh. gasps just where do you think youre going . For a cup of coffee. All this lusting is making me a nervous wreck. Come off it, findlay. Ive seen you out on the streets. Every time a short skirt passes, your head whirls around so fast your eyeballs get whiplash. Thats different. Thats because im a leg man. I mean, every man has a certain part of a womans body hes attracted to. What parts of vivian turn you on, walter . None none . So i like to look at other girls. Ll me you dont look at other men. Never ive never looked at another man come on, maude. Admit it. Its a human thing to do. You not only look at other men, but, sometimes you even fantasize about other men when were together. How dare you . you know its true. I mean, every married man and woman has gone through it one time or another when they needed inspiration. I remember one night we necked for an hour and twenty minutes that is the sickest lie i have ever heard what kind of a weirdo do you think i am . fantasizing about men not once . paul newman that was only because i wanted ours to be the perfect marriage and you had once told me you thought of joanne woodward. You people are depraved. Youre perverted, and whats even worse, youre rude. Oh, can it, arthur i beg your pardon you fantasize, too you told me so yourself. I dont see any need to discuss this. Arthur fantasizes about dr. Joyce brothers. That was purely a platonic fantasy. It was a professional courtesy between doctors. Which is more than i can say for that kiss between you and walter come on, arthur indistinct arguing motor roars, tires screech thats carol shh listen ything about this maude carol is a grownup. Walter, when you have generously given a daughter four different fathers in one lifetime, you dont hit her with this news. Get the cards. Thats it well pretend were playing cards. Everybody, around the coffee table. Not a word. I dont want her to hear a word about it. Now, please, everybody. We must be calm. Arthur calm. Maude calm, calm. Hi. Hello hi, there aloha i just came home to change. Im picking bill up at jimmys. Were going to the movies. Thats nice good great what are you playing . Canasta. Rummy. Hearts. Bridge all right, whats going on . Going ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha she thinks somethings going on. laughs laughs all laughing mother, i know you. Now, what is it . Nothing, darling absolutely nothing. Weve just had aa very small, petty disagreement over aa very minor thing. And vivian and walter are having an affair. Maude maude oh, carol. Carol, vivian and walter. In each others arms sobbing vivian and walter . Just a little kiss laughs laughing vivian and walter . chuckles all right, i appreciate your grief, carol, but knock it off laughs i cant laughing i cant help it laughing laughing walter and vivian kissing ahh ahh, thats hysterical nk i once spent three whole days, looking for a marble in her potty seat. Maude . Maude, did you catch her reaction . Thats the way this whole thing should be treated. Laugh it off and forget it. Yeah. Intellectually, walter, i can do that. Emotionally. Emotionally, no way. If thats the way you think of me, maude. If thats the way you think of my fidelity, all right. I didnt go out and just kissed anybody. Ssed your best friend, because i love your best friend she was upset, and i responded in the only way i knew how you maude, please there are times when you feel for someone so much that you can only express that feeling in the terms that are available to you. In this case, a kiss if you dont understand that, thats your problem im going into the kitchen to smoke my pipe and leave me alone and im going with you Vivian Arthur vivian if you dont trust us, they did it. They went into the kitchen together, alone, unchaperoned. Oh, shut up. Oh, if it were only as simple as walter says you know, it would just serve them right, if we gave them a little of their own medicine back. I dont know, arthur. Whats sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander, you know. And vice versa. Whatever you say, arthur. Pucker up, and ill and ill call them out. What . Well call them out here. And then you and ill give each other. The worlds biggest kiss. Wouldnt it be easier just to go in and shoot them . Thats not very nice, maudie. Oh, im sorry. Im sorry, arthur. I didnt mean that the way it sounded. I must say this has certainly not been one of my better days. First, it was the dog. And now its. Vivian and. Walter. shudders i know you dont expect this coming from a surgeon, maudie, but im im sobs arthur, arthur, arthur sobbing oh, there, there arthur. chuckles arthur. Look what were doing. Oh, my goodness arthur, this is exactly what walter was talking about. Well, i dont know about that. Oh, you are walters best friend, married to my best friend. And even with you and me, arthur, with all the arguments weve had and. Even though, basically, i loathe everything you stand for. No, really. I do, arthur. Still, it giggles well, itit wouldnt be. Hhard for me to kiss you, either. Arthur, youre not all bad. giggling gasps well well well, well, well. Arthur we were just we were just look, dont dont get the wrong idea walter maude. We understand thats what weve been trying to tell you were simply four people who love each other. Dont you think its time we all kissed and made up . Oh, darling. Oh, yes. Yes, yes you, son of a oh come on, you guys how about us . Come on walter Donny Hathaway . Lady godiva was a freedom rider . Women . Ooh ooh ooh. . . She didnt care if the whole world looked . . Joan of arc with the lord to guide her . . Ooh ooh ooh. . . She was a sister who really cooked . . Ooh ooh. . . Isadora was the first bra burner . . Oh, yeah . . And when the country was fallin apart . . Betsy ross got it all sewed up . . And then theres maude . . And then theres maude . . And then theres maude . . And then theres maude . . And then theres maude . . And then theres maude . . And then theres . . That uncompromisin, enterprisin . . Anything but tranquilizin . All . Right on maude . phone ringing walter, the hell with the inventory. Its time you examined the merchandise at home. Mother, the poor man is working. What do you want from him . Oh, i know, i know, i know, carol. And im so ungrateful. I know walter wants to be here. Hes every bit as romantic as i am. Of course he is. Right now, walter is down there working his fingers to the bone for you. Adele, adele. Walter, walter, walter. Adele, you are beautiful. I mean, believe me, you could have any man you wanted. Any man in the world, any man. Then how come edgar walked out on me . Except edgar. Where are my rolaids . This indigestion is killing me. Rolaids. Im ready to kill myself over edgar, and what do you do . Adele, i dont want you to take an overdose of sleeping pills. So tell me where you hid them so i can go home. You know whats going on with my wife. We must have talked on the phone ten times already. Boy, im such a looser. I call you because youre my boss and i look up to you. Im ready to kill myself because edgar left me, and as soon as you get here, your store calls, that its your wife, your inventory, your gas pains. What happened to my suicide . adele, i beg you. I got indigestion, i got pains in my chest, my wifes waiting please give me those sleeping pills no then why dont you call a priest . Theres at least 10,000 ministers in new york. They couldnt help. Im an atheist. Then call a communist father were divorced. At 11, my sister turned to the streets not again, adele i heard it 50 times all right get out of here i dont even know why i called you in the first place. Youre middleaged. phone ringing oh, answer it. Its got to be the store about your wife. Boy, if thats what marriage is, you should be committing suicide. Hello, eddie, its me. Maude called again . Eddie, where did you tell her i was this time . The mens room . Eddie, thats five times you told her i was in the mens room. Maude isnt gonna believe that lord, ill have to call maude again. Adele, let me have another one of those rolaids. Its all my fault youre making such an ass of yourself. Look, do you want me to get on the phone and explain it to her . Adele, how can i tell her im calling from a young girls apartment because her boyfriend left her . Even i wouldnt believe it guess who, sweetheart. Sorry, fella. See what you made me do . A wrong number. Hello, maude . Old iron bladder here. Oh, come on. So what if i went into the mens room for the fifth time . The old iron was beginning to rust. Maude, dont get so angry. Maude, would you listen . Maude. Theres no chair . Ill be right home, dear. Yes, right away. So, now you heard me just tell her. I promised now, give me those sleeping pills. Youre okay now anyway. Im a gemini. Im never okay. But dont you understand what could happen if my wife found out that i was here with you . What if this building got on fire and i got trapped . With your gas, thered be an awful explosion. Very funny, but it could happen. I mean, guys have gotten trapped in girls apartments before. Fires, police raids i even knew a guy who had a heart attack in a girls apartment. How do you explain that to your wife . I mean, he thought he had indigestion but it was really a heaa heaa hea why not . My chest is killing me. Its like an elephant stomping on me. Im gonna call your wife. No ill call arthur. Arthur always told me. Dont wait if you get a pain. Check it out. Hello, arthur . Its walter here. Oh, im sorry i woke you, arthur. But, well, i got this pain in my chest and. Uh. Tingling running down my left arm. No dont run over next door. Because the pains arent over next door. They are over here. Arthur, please dont tell maude but come over quick. 112 lovebird lane. Apartment 3b. Oh, boy. Here. Here, sit down. Dear god, dont let me die here or ill never hear the end of it eddie, i dont care if he went out to get a snicker bar. You tell him if he is not home in ten minutes, we are finished, terminated, kaput, over and out doorbell rings maude, maude. Maude, listen, you know, arthur just ran out of the house please, vivian, i have my own problems. Yeah, but, maude, maude, listen. Maude, maude, maude. All right, all right, vivian, vivian, you trying to tell me . Maude, maude, maude arthur justarar stammering vivian, out with it stammering continues its panic, isnt it . Its panic your throat muscles have tightened up, and you cant speak. yelping this is terrible mumbles he got fresh with you. He didnthe didnt get fresh with you. Orgot valentines day . Sounds like, sounds like, sounds like. Uh. Oh uh. Hangnail. mumbling oh, art, art sounds like art, sounds like art uh, start. Uh, tart. Oh, that bum. Hes out with a tart. No, no. Oh oh heart, heart. Heartburn. groans heartache. Heart attack groans oh, this is terrible he didnt have a heart attack. It was somebody else. My heaven uh, uh. Somebody with a runny nose. Uh. Somebody with a moustache. Uh. A man with a moustache and a pointed head. screaming a bald spot somebody with a bald spot and a moustache beeping youre right, walter. You did have a heart attack. Probably a mild one. My guess is subendocardial infarction. Arthur, talk english. Well, that just means an attack that didnt go completely through the heart muscle, which is good. E, until we get the results back on the enzyme test. Well, good night, walter. Arthur, wait a minute what are those little beeps over there . Oh, thats you. As long as you keep beeping, youre still in the old ball game. Arthur, what happened . Only a couple of weeks ago, you gave me a complete physical. You said i was healthy as a horse. Ah, theres the rub, walter. Arthur. The beeps . You know, you were lucky, walter. Yo