Grab one of them cases there. Help me carry it into the back room. Arch, you know, e say . Well, we were taking a bath together. Hold it, hold it and he turned to me hold it, hold it, hold it. You and joeys takin a bath together . Yeah. I hope you was wearin your bathing suits. Who takes a bath wearing a bathing suit . Put the box down. What . Put the box down. Sit down there. Let me tell you somethin. A grown man aint supposed to take a bath in the nude with a little boy. Why not . Oh, jeez. Because when the little kid gives you the onceover there, i dont think so. Well, maybe not in your case. In japanin japan whole families take baths together. Who the hell cares. The japs eat fish eyes, too. Whats the matter with you . Whats the matter with you . Didnt you and ma ever take a bath together . Hey hey hey put the box down. Sit down there. Dont never ask me no question like that there. In the first place, its dirty. Dirty. And in the second place. Can you picture edith and me floppin around in the one tub . Dont look at us dont look at us there its awful. Forget about it. Till the end of time ill be tryin to straighten you out. And when they finally plant me in the end, theyll be lowerin my box into the ground there, and my wordsll come out of it dont be dirty. Dont be dirty. You wont even be listening then. You wont even be at the gravesite. Youll be over in hong kong with your family, taking a bath. Where do you want this . You dontyou dont know what you done there. No, whats the matter . Put the box down. Would you mind openin that door a crack for me there . Theres no door knob. Fancy that. Uh, howre you supposed to open the door . With the key. Wheres the key . If you could open that door a crack there, youd see the key sticking out of the lock on the other side of that door you mean were locked in here . I think you have grasped the situation here. All right, all right. We just, uh, we just break the door down, thats all. Ha ha ha. You hurl your shoulder into that door, youre gonna have two armpits on the same side. Oh gee, im sorry i did that well, i am not the one who left the key on the other side of the door oh, i am not the one who slammed and locked the door with the key on the other side. I am not the one who didnt say, dont close the door. The key is on the other side. I am not the one who sponged off me for five years and didnt learn nothin but the name of meathead. I am not the one who sits and watches korean midgets wrestling on channel 5, and thinks its educational tv i am not the one who sits in front of a Television Set for a whole hour, staring at the same orchestra. I like symphonies if you like symphonies, youre gonna love this. [blows raspberry] you dumbbell. All right. Lets just relax, im just tryin to figure out what to do. There aint nothin to do. Were stuck here till harry comes in and opens up the joint tomorrow. [sighs] wish there was a window in here. [snaps fingers] you get your wish. There is. Where . Its up on the far wall there. Then thats it thats it you cant get outta there we can get outta here you cant get outta there. Why not . In the first place, there aint no catch on that window so, well force it open. In the second place, that window is painted shut until the second comin. Then well break the glass. Third place. [shattering] theres bars on the window. I dont believe it. Were trapped in here. Were trapped in here aaah stop your yellin there. Youre only trapped in here with me. Look at who the hell im trapped in here with. Hey, anybody out there . were locked in archies place in the storeroom the door is wide open, so come on in and be sure to take all of archies money, on top of the Cash Register and be sure and take all of archies mon ah what . How stupid can you get, yellin out there into an alleyway. Dont you know the kind of people that pass through alleyways there this time of night nothing but the crinimal element. But, arch, shouldnt we at least take a chance that a decent human being will pass by . John, were giving you a raise. Thats fantastic but im gonna pass. Are you ok . Honey, you got another present. No thank you, dad. Who says no to more . Time warner cable internet gives you more of what you and those little data hoggers want. Like ultrafast speeds up to 300 megs. Thats 50x faster than dsl. This Internet Speed is sick. Call now. And with home wifi, the whole family can be online at once. G reat for kids to stream scary shows while not cleaning their room. Youll also get our exclusive 1hour arrival window, a moneyback guarantee, and theres no contract to sign. Get 50 meg internet with no data cap starting at 39. 99 a month. Plus, free installation and access to over 500,000 twc wifi . Hotspots nationwide. Would rex pass up more beef stew . Ink so. You know what i was thinking there. Is that if we was lost in the snows up there in the swiss alps, theyd have to send out one of them Roman Catholic dogs to save us. Roman catholic dogs . Yeah, the st. Bernards. You never heard of them dogs . They run around in the mountains there, with little barrels of booze tied around their necks. We have booze right here. Oh, yeah. Well, yeah, but i gotta pay for that booze. [laughing] [coughing] thats good. Hey. Hey, look at this here. See this here . Thats an old hunk of kelseys awning there. See, all the guys, they thought i shouldve kept this up. But i didnt. You know, i never missed it. Never missed it either. Well, you know, theres a lot of good luck in bird doodoos. You never heard that . No, i cant say that i have. You aint got none of that oldtime knowledge, you know . Ill put this around me here. Thanks a lot. Oh, jeez. Move over, mike. Pain in the neck. Get in. Why is it so hard for you to be nice to me . What the hell are you talking about . Ive always been nice to you. Get outta here youve always been rotten to me. Ever since the time gloria brought me home to meet you. Do you remember the first thing you said to me . Hello . No, after that. The second thing you said was are you jewish . Oh. Hey, listen. Iif i wouldve been a jewish father, thatve been the first thing i said to ya. I wish you couldve seen the look on your face when i told you i was polish. Well, you know, from where i sit now. Maybe it wouldve been better if youd have been a jew. Why . Because a jew wouldve been smart enough so we wouldnt of got locked in the storeroom. That is so awful. Do you realize how awful it is when you say things like that . What the hell is awful . Its not coming out its not comin out of anything positive. Its coming out of your prejudice. Dont you see that . Why is it so important for you for everybody to be the same . Isnt it better . Doesnt it make life more interesting because were different . I mean that were all different shapes, different sizes, and different colors . Dont go on and on. I know all about differences. Ill tell you somethin. The lord wanted the sames to stay over with the sames and the differents to be over there with the differents. Hey. Did you ever read that story of noahs ark in the bible there . Yes well, you know then the animals come up the gang plank into that ark, they come up in twos, see . The same with the sames and the different with the different. E tiger, he come up with the tigeress. And the lion, he come up with the lionette. The zebra, he come up with the zebrella. The elephant, he come up with the. Uh. Well. With what . Ah, jeez, i forget the term. But you know the point im tryin to make you was like a wolf comin in there after my little girl. Not this again yes, this again then and now and forever and always its only natural there that the fatherinlaws is gonna hate the sonsinlaws. cause theyd take awayhey th, ediths old man that was the reason that he hated me he said he had a whole lot of other reasons, but that was the reason. No, i think there were other reasons, too, arch. Oh. Thats you. Youre never on my side of nothin there. You dont even know or never even met ediths father, and youre taking his side over me. With no chin and a gofunny eye. Who used to tell longer stories than edith. And they was worse cause he told them to you with bad breath. But i aint surprised because in all the family arguments, you aint never on my side. What do you mean i aint been on your side . Ive been on your side many no. What about when you wanted to buy the bar . Mas signature . I traced i traced it theres a hell of a difference between a trace and a forge all right, im saying trace and i understood at the time you had that little thing with the waitress. Oh, for gods sake, aint the world ever gonna forget about my little thing . No i suppose not. Out there, kid, aint up to no good, right . You dont trust nobody out there except for your own kind. And you remember that, meathead. Thats another thing meathead. Why must you always call me meathead . What the hell . Why does that bother you so much . I bet i wasnt the first one to call you meathead. You were the only one ever to call me meathead. They never called me meathead in school. In school they always called me michael. Thats all they called you . Well, mike or mickey. What a sweet Little School you went to there, mike. No wonder you grew up thinking the world was beautiful. Why . Whatd they call you in school . Uh. Uh, different things. Well, what . Y call you in school . Tell me what they called you. [chuckles] well, i remember when we went there during the depression there. We didnt have no money cause the old man lost his job we was all busted. And, uh, i wore out a shoe, one shoe. So, i couldnt go to school with only one shoe, see . My mother, she found a boot, so. I had a shoe on one foot there and a boot on the other. A shoe and a boot. Shoeboot. So the kids called me shoebooty. They used to holler. Shoebooty, huh . [laughing] they used to holler tootyfruity, here comes shoebooty. [laughing] till they found out my name was archibald, and they thought that was funny. And then i wished theyd go back to shoebooty, you know . Kids all made fun of you, huh . Yeah, they all made fun well, all except one little black kid by the name of winston. A black kid liked you . No. The black kid beat the hell outta me. Why . Well, he mustve had a reason. Well, he said that i said he was a nigger. Well, did you . Sure. Well, then, thats the reason what the hell reason was that . Thats what all them people was called in them days there. I mean everybody we knew called them people niggers. To call them . I didnt know the dif i should call him a whop . We couldnt call them whops because whops was what we called the dagos. Did you ever think did you ever think thatthat possibly youryour father just might be wrong . Wrong my ol man . Dont be stupid. My old man, let me tell you about him. He was never wrong about nothin. Huh . My ol man used to call people the same things as your ol man. But i always knew he was wrong. So was your ol man. No, he wasnt. Yes, he was. Your father was wrong. Dont say your father was wrong dont tell me my father was wrong. Let me tell you somethin. Father who made ya. Wrong . The man who goes out and busts his butt to keep a roof over your head and clothes on your back . You call your father wrong . Hey, hey. Your father. Your father. Thats the man that comes home, bringin you candy . Your fathers the first guy to throw a baseball to ya . And take you for walks in the park . Hold you by the hand . My father held me by the hand. Oh, eh. My father had a hand on him, i tell you. He busted that hand once, and he busted it on me. To teach me to do good. To teach me to do good. cause he loved me. He loved me. Dont be lookin at me let me tell you somethin. Youre supposed to love your father. Because. Your father loves you. But how can any man that loves you. Tell you anything thats wrong . Whats the use in talking . [mumbling] nothin at all. . Boy, the way glenn miller played . . Songs that made the hit parade . . Guys like us we had it made . . Those were the days . . And you knew where you were then . . Girls were girls and men were men . . Mister, we could use a man like Herbert Hoover again . . Didnt need no welfare state . . Everybody pulled his weight . . Gee, our old lasalle ran great . Would you like some butter on your toast, louise . Yes, thanks. All right. Now, lets see. The butter is on the second shelf on the lefthand side. I try not to leave the refrigerator door open too long to save energy. How much energy do you think you saved on that move . I didnt save nothing. I got the cheddar cheese. Wait a minute. Here goes. Glad you dropped in. Its so nice to have company. Archies been out all night driving mr. Munsons cab. It was so lonely sleeping without him. But i made believe archie was there by talking over the events of the day before i went to sleep. I talked and talked but archie didnt answer me. It was just like he was there. Archie hey, edith oh theres archie maybe id better go. Oh, no. You finish your coffee. Ill be right back. All right. Oh, archie, im so glad youre home. All right, all right take it easy, will you . I seen enough of that whoopee in the back of my cab all night. Heres your dress. You remembered to pick up the dry cleaning oh, thank you, archie. How was your night . I aint never gonna drive that friday night till saturday morning shift no more. Every screwball in the city of new york is loose on the streets. Morning. Except one. Thank you very much. What are you doing up so early of a saturday morning . Im getting breakfast for me and gloria. Were gonna have breakfast in bed. Oh, listen to this. They do everything in that bed except sleep. You know, youre not pleasant in the morning. What do you want me to do, looking at you . Whistle a happy tune . Oh, archie, you must be hungry. Ill get you something to eat. No, no, no. Its all right, edith. Im too tired to eat. Im offduty. All i wanna do is go up and lay down. Would you like some company . I said im offduty. All right. Have a good days sleep. Oh, you and gloria gonna have some cornflakes . No, no, no. Glorias gonna have the orange. Im gonna have the cornflakes. Oh, dont you want a bowl for your cereal . No, i like to eat the cereal dry and then i wash it down with the milk. That way it doesnt get soggy. Oh. [knocking] mr. Jefferson. Come in. George morning. George, what are you doing away from the store . Dont worry. I left lionel in charge. Mrs. Bunker, this has nothing to do with you. Wheres your husband . He just went upstairs to bed. Well, i gotta talk to him. Its important. Oh, well, all right. Come on in. Im sure he aint asleep yet. Archie, are you in bed yet . Archie no, not yet, edith. Im looking out the window. Do you know the jeffersons left their shades up . Did you know they was putting new wallpaper on the wall of their bedroom . Holy cow, them coloreds are wild about stripes. Archie that dont sound like your voice, edith. No, archie. Weve got company. Yeah, so i see. Thanks for letting me know. Bunker, take a look at this. Its a 20 bill. What did you do, hit a number . You gave me 20 when you picked up your cleaning just now and i gave you 18 change. Well, i remember. So what . So my 18 was good. This 20 is counterfeit. What . Are you sure, george . I wouldnt be here if i wasnt sure. Look, i checked these serial numbers against our list. This is 89170412. These are counterfeit serial numbers. They sound like real numbers to me. Lets just say you passed this phony on to me by accident. So now all you have to do is reach into your wallet and give me a real one on purpose. Gave you was perfectly good currency of the realm. That was printed on 100 percent u. S. Government realm. Get out of the way, edith. You didnt even look at the bill. Certainly i looked at it. I look at all big bills. I remember where i got that 20. I only got one last night. I remember the guy that give it to me. And he wasnt no counterfeiter. How do you know he wasnt . Ah, come on, jefferson. I know people. This was a very classy guy. He was dressed up to the nines in a sharp coat that had one of them velvet collars, money right now, youre gonna find yourself on top of the 10 most sorry honky list. Jefferson, would you care to step outside . Im ready. Good. Then step outside. Im going to bed. See that, bunker . Id hate for money to mean that much to me. Money dont mean nothing to me. What are you talking about . Ill show you what money means to me. What are we talking about . Twenty dollars, huh . Okay. Ten. Twenty. There you are, edith. Buy yourself a new hat. See that . I just threw 20 away on the old lady. All right, bunker, lets step outside. Cant we all sit down and talk this over . Cant you just stay out of this . This here is between jefferson and me like gentlemen. Now, jefferson, get out. I aint going nowhere. I aint finished with you yet. Well, im finished with you. Louise, can i see you for a minute in the kitchen . Yes. Louise, what are we gonna do about this . I dont know. Ive never seen such a stubborn man in all of my life. Me neither. I never knew george could be that way. Are you saying archie is wrong . Well, i hope youre not saying george is wrong. You heard archie tell george he didnt give him that bad bill. Dont you believe what he said . Yes and no. What do you mean . Yes, i believe he said it and, no, i dont believe what he said. What are you getting so excited about . Ill tell you what to do with that bill. Take that bill up to harlem and pass it there. Just shove it on some guy up there. Itll make the rounds, itll wind up in the hands of some white guy who sells purple cadillacs. And who the hell cares about him, huh . Dont believe everything archie says. Hes got you brainwashed. Dont you have a mind of your own . Yes, i do. De perfectly good sense. To you, maybe, but not to me. There, you see . Im using my own mind. And you cant say its because im listening to archie because he aint here. Not only that, he aint all there. You wont listen to what im trying to nothing you say makes any difference to me. Im trying to you can talk until youre blue in the face, which, come to think of it, in your case, would be an improvement. Away saying that to me. Hey, your wife is still here. Wait till you see what im going to say to her. Its obvious we have nothing more to say to each other. Ever. [slams door] Louise Louise goodbye oh hey, louise, listen where is she . Shes gone. Well, its a good thing she is. You should have heard what i had in my mind to say to her. Whats the matter with you . I just had a fight with louise and i feel terrible. I just had a fight with her husband and i feel wonderful. [excited scream] you just won a Million Dollars no thanks. Nice balloons, though or no to more Vacation Days . Janet, im giving you an extra weeks vacation oh, ah. Nooo. What . No way. Who says no to more . Time warner cables all about giving you more. Like the most free hd channels and virtually unlimited movies and shows on demand, so you can binge all day. Call now. And dont forget the free tv app. Get ultrafast internet with secure home wifi saving on mobile data fees, helps big time. Switch to time warner cable. For 89. 99 a month youll get free hd channels, 100 meg internet and unlimited calling to half the world. We can call aunt rose as much as we want now. Switching is easy. Get our exclusive 1hour arrival window, a moneyback guarantee with no contract to sign. Plus get free installation, tv equiment and epix included. Really . Honest. No. Ma, you know that neither archie or mr. Jefferson is going to admit that hes wrong. You and louise have to be the peacemakers. I know. But whos gonna make the first move . Whoever wants to make up the most. Yeah, i am, right now. Im gonna find out which one wants to make up the most. [gasps] its a tie im sorry im sorry oh oh you two want me to make you some coffee . Oh, thatd be nice. Ill help you, gloria. Oh, louise, i feel so much better. So do i. I dont know what came over us. Neither do i. Louise, remember that 20 archie gave me to buy a new hat . Well, i dont need a new hat. I wish youd take it and give it to george. Well, thanks, edith, but wouldnt it be better if archie gave it back himself . I dont know how well ever get him to do that. I know how. Hing cleaned . I was gonna bring in his winter coat. Perfect. Get it, edith. All right. But i could bring it down to the store myself. No, i want george to get it fast. The first thing he does when he gets cleaning is go all through the pockets. Were going to put this in here. And george will find it and maybe hell think its archies way of saying he made a mistake without coming out and saying it. That reminds me of the ten commandments. Which one . The one by cecil b. Demille. You remember the part where moses mother puts him in a little basket and floats him down the river on purpose so that pharaohs daughter can find him by accident and he can grow up and be Charlton Heston . George, i have archie bunkers coat. It needs cleaning. Uhuh. No way. Now, you take that mangy coat back over there. He tried to put something over on me. He thinks im stupid because im black. Then you be bigger than him. You just turn the other cheek. To move in next door to those ugly bunkers. What are you talking about . If i still lived in harlem, i could really get even with him. How . By leaving harlem and moving in next door to him all over again. George, you are going to clean his coat. Ill take it to the store myself. Go on and take it, then. Well, look at this money another 20 bucks. Hey, these 10s are good. Solid. Youre not really going to keep that money . No, im not going to keep it. Good. Im going to spend it. Okay, go ahead. Let archie have the last laugh. Now where are you coming from . Isnt it obvious he put it here on purpose for you to find it . Its archies way of apologizing. No. You think so . Let me put it this way. When was the last time we found 20 in one of archie bunkers pockets . Youre right. Hes trying to make me look bad. Where are you going . If anybodys gonna have the last laugh, im gonna have it first. Cant sleep. Theres no air in this house. Theres no air in new york. Maybe you cant sleep because of the argument you had with mr. Jefferson. Oh, i wouldnt lose any sleep over that argument. I won it, didnt i . I think when two people fight, nobody wins. For jack dempsey, you know that . He could give up his restaurant. Hes still a champ. I was talking about fighting over money. By the way, give me back that 20 bucks i give you. What 20 bucks . What i give you to buy yourself a new hat, which i didnt mean in the first place, seeing as i was only trying to get jefferson off my back twenty bucks. [doorbell rings] oh, theres the bell ill get it. Louise, george, come in. Archie, look whos here. Oh, gee. What have you got this time, jefferson . A Wooden Nickel . Louise . Remember, last laugh. Uhhuh. Bunker, this is yours. Whats mine . This 20 we found in your coat your wife sent down to be cleaned. Twenty dollars . You got that in my coat and thats mine . That 20 here . Hey, edith what is that . Oh, archie. I should have checked the pockets. Im sorry. U, darling. Whoopdedo. Hey. Hey. I never would have believed i left that kind of dough in that coat. And you wouldnt have known it if mr. Jefferson hadnt found it. He could have kept the money, but hes an honest man. Hey, jefferson. Nice to see you. See you round. Archie, can i see you . Youre looking at me. Archie since you got back 20 you didnt know you had and since mr. Jefferson had a loss because of the bad bill, i think you should share this with him. Ohhohohohohohoho. I think you should give him at least half of it. Youd still be ahead 10. Oh, please, archie. Be fair. What to do. Get out of the way. Jefferson, im going to be fair. Seeing as there was a loss here and you and me was both involved in the loss, well, maybe we ought to share this. So heres 10. Thanks. All right. Fair enough . Thats nice, archie. Wait a second, arch. Im holding 10 in my hand. Show me where im way more ahead than that. Look, arch, you gave mr. Jefferson a phony 20 bill. I didnt know nothing about that. It doesnt make any difference the point is he gave you 18 of real money in change plus 2 worth of cleaning services thats 20. Add to that the 20 that he found in your coat pocket and returned to you because hes an honest man. Thats 40 youre ahead. Hold it i just give the man 10 there. All right, so youre ahead 30. Thirty dollars . But the fact remains, he gave you 18 cash. You only gave him 10 back. Why dont you give him the other 8 you owe . I aint going to give him no 8. Arch, youll still be ahead 22 bucks. Wait a minute. How do you figure that . Thirty minus eight is twentytwo. Youre 22 ahead. All right, if im 22 i can add up myself jefferson, er, as long as im 22 ahead here, and i figure if i how much should i give him . Eight dollars. All right, 8. So ill give you a 10 bill. Give me two ones. I aint got no change. But he aint got no change. I aint got no change. Whos got change . Oh, jeez, i aint got no singles here. Arch, he gave you 18 worth of change. Youve got to have at least three singles. I bought seven cigars and a malted. Is that okay with you . Would this help . I owe louise 3 from the groceries yesterday. Thatll help. How does that help . Give me the 10. Wait a minute arch, you were going to give mr. Jefferson 8, right . Add 3 to that for the groceries. Thats 11 you owe mr. Jefferson. Heres a 10 bill, mr. Jefferson. How do i owe him 1 . No, daddy, thats not right. No, that aint right, little girl. Help me here. Daddy, youre forgetting about the 2 mr. Jeffersons still out for the cleaning. You owe him 3. That aint no help shes right, arch. You owe him 3. Here, give me 5. Wait a minute here here, mr. Jefferson. Heres 5. Now you owe archie 2. Remember, now. You owe me 2. All right. All right, talking of owings, here, what about the 5 you owe me . I give you 5 last week, i loaned it to you to buy pizza for yourself and gloria. Oh, thats right. I forgot, archie. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I forgot im sorry gloria, could you give me 5 to give to archie . Oh, sure, honey. Let me get my purse. Archie yeah, get the purse, huh . No, wait a minute, daddy. Theres something wrong here. Yeah, theres something wrong, little girl, huh . Yeah, you owe me 10. Yeah, dont you remember last week i loaned you 10 when you didnt have enough money to pay the plumber for fixing the drip in the sink . Oh, holy cow. Yeah. What have you got there . Two fives . Theres my ten. Wait a minute theres the five you wanted. Thank you very much. Heres the five i owe you for the pizza. Were all square. Youre damn right not quite all square. Remember, george, you still owe archie 2. Give it to him. Yeah, somebody give me something, huh . Im feeling awful light here. Give him the 2. I dont have change. I know how to fix this archie how . Michael, remember you and daddy still owe lionel 7 for the ball game tickets from last saturday. Thats right i forgot. Here, give me the 5. Wait a minute mr. Jefferson, heres 5. You give that to lionel. That squares us with lionel and squares you with archie. Everythings perfect. Everybodys paid off. Gloria michael, thats right. How is everybody paid off . I had 35 in my hand. Im standing here Holding Nothing now, dont nobody move because were going to start this whole transfaction over d were gonna do it slow, right from the very beginning. All right. It all started when you gave me this phony 20. Now youve got it back. Bye. Come on, louise. . Boy, the way glenn miller played . Songs that made the hit parade . Guys like us, we had it made . Those were the days . And you knew where you were then . Girls were girls and men were men both . Mister, we could use a man . Like Herbert Hoover again . Didnt need no welfare state . Everybody pulled his weight both . Gee, our old lasalle ran great mike, would you like some breakfast . Oh, no. No, no, ma. When i moved next door, i swore i would never eat here again and have archie call me a moocher. Buttermilk pancakes. Ill have six to go. door slamming archie hi, edith. Edith, im home. Come over here. Oh, heres archie now. Coming whoopdeedoo, whoopdeedoo how was your night . Oh, wait till you hear what happened to me tonight, edith. Hi, arch. Aw, jeez look at this. Are you moving back or were you just paying us a short visit in your polish tuxedo . Heshes sorry, mike. Come on, tell us the news. Oh, edith, youre looking at a hero. What i done in my cab tonight, youll never guess. You picked up a puerto rican. I said i was a hero, not a daredevil. Eed for a lady passenger in big trouble. Archie, you delivered a baby . Edith, how the hell are you gonna get hot water in a cab . Whatwhat happened . Well, things was kind of slow, see, so i cruised over to kennedy. Kennedy airport . No, cape kennedy. Im looking to pick up a fare to the moon. Will you stifle yourself and let me finish the story here, huh . Get out of the way. Get over there. Sit down there, edith, huh . Now listen to me. Edy about 10 minutes, when all of a sudden, this big, tall, beautifullooking classy dame hops into the cab. And she says to me, the northern motor inn, please. The northern motor inn. Thats right around here. Thats where they put me up when i did jury duty. Oh, ill never forget it. My room was on the 10th floor. Dont say nothing, huh, edith . Cant you see that your little story is killing my big story . Oh, im sorry, archie. So. Tick a lock. What . Tick a lock. Dont you remember . When you were a kid, and somebody told you something that you wasnt supposed to tell to nobody else, you went tick a lock and your lips were sealed. Well, do that and shut up also. Now, where was i . Uh, lady got into your cab. Yeah, lady got into my cab. So, im driving along there about 6 30 in the aofm, and im making a small chitterchatter, you know. And all of a sudden, it hits me. For about 15 minutes, she aint been saying nothing at all. See, but that aint natural for a dame, especially a big one. So, i check in the Rearview Mirror and i see she aint sitting there. Tick your lock and swallow the key. Im driving here. All right, she aint there. So, i pull the cab over to the side there, you see . And i stop it like this here. All right . Open the door, get out of the cab. You forgot to close the door. Thats all ight, dont worry. Ill take care of it. Cold as a mackerel. So, i hop into the cab, back, see, and the first thing i notice is that she aint breathing. Thats cause youre standing on her chest. Shut up, you so now, thinking quick, i start giving her mouthtomouth restitution there. And finally, she starts comin around. What i done now, along comes this colored cop, see . And he wants to take over the mouthtomouth. But im thinking fast. I say, no. I send him for the ambulance, you know. Because, listen, if you give a person the wrong breath type, you could kill that person. sighs she couldve wound up with a black lung. Thats right. Archie, you saved a human life. Yeah. You are a hero. Yeah. Oh but not in front of the boy, edith. Just set the table for breakfast and set for two. He dont live here no more. Oh, right away. Yeah. Hey, arch, where did you learn mouthtomouth resuscitation anyway . Down at the plant. They got a big poster in the john telling you all about it. I read it thousands of times sitting there. Oh, archie. Mr. Munson mustve been tickled when you told him what you done. archie exclaiming orgot to collect the fare. How do you like that . Saying a thing like that and im faced with a woman laying there prostate . I suppose he wanted me to pick her purse. Now, i couldnt do a thing like that. Youre right. Thats no time to think of money. Yeah, thats right. How would i know what to tip myself anyhow . So, i left my name, address and phone number at the hospital, see, so she can get in touch with me when she gets out of, what you call, expensive care. Oh. All munson cared about was the money, huh . Well, listen, he felt a lot better when i told him all the publicity hes gonna get when this thing breaks in the papers. You mean there was a reporter there . No. Well then whos gonna tell the papers . You are, buddy. Oh, no, no, wait a second. Get over here. Get over here. Oh, waitwait a minute. Get on the phone and call the Long Island Press here, and you tell them the whole story like you seen it. Yeah, but, arch, i didnt see it. I wasnt there. Youre the one who should call the paper. Shy. In world war ii, did george c. Patton call the papers every time he blew up italy . Come on, get on the horn here, its costing us money. No, no, arch. I cant. Youre the one whos got to make the phone call. I cant. Come on. I cant. Ill tell gloria what you did, shell be real proud of you. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Maybe gloria can call the paper for me. No, no, she cant, arch. Why not . The phone wont reach to the tub. What the hell is he talkin about . Archie, you know something . I aint been so proud of you since uncle willie cut his finger carving the christmas turkey and you stopped the bleedin by tyin it up with the string they use to tie up the turkeys youknowwhat with. Remember . How can you do that all in one breath . Well, ever since i was a little girl. Cut come here. Put the pancakes over there. Get to the phone. I want you to do something. em the story i told you here. The whole truth. You wanna report a hero. Okay . Oh, all right. All right. Now, ill dial information, see . Oh. Get the number of the paper. And when you get the paper, you ask for the guy that runs the front page, see . Meantime, ill be upstairs reading in the library. Hello, operator, would you please give me the number of the Long Island Press . doorbell ringing oh, uh. Excuse me, operator, i cant talk to you now. Ill call you back later. Yeah. Goodbye. Coming oh, hello. Hello. Is this the bunker residence . Yeah, im mrs. Bunker. Oh, im beverly lasalle. Is your husband home . Well, hes busy right now. I got your address from the hospital. Mr. Bunker saved my life this morning. Oh, youre the one. Well, come on in. exclaims well, uh, sit down. Here. Well, how are you feelin now . Oh, much better now. Thank you. The doctors said it was complete exhaustion. Id been working very hard, and i guess i was just worn out. Oh, well, its good thing you wore out with archie. cause he learned how to save peoples lives in the toilet at work. Oh, he saved mine in a cab. It was foolish of me to work three shows a night without a night off. Are you in show business . Yes. Im a female impersonator. Aint that interesting . You know thats smart, too. N a lady . Im afraid you dont understand mrs. Bunker. Im a transvestite. Well, you sure fooled me. I mean, you aint got no accent at all. Thank you. Ii really cant stay very long. I just wanted to thank your husband personally. But, well, you say hes busy . toilet flushing uh, not anymore. Archie, uh, come on down, you got a visitor. Archie i aint receiving, edith. Oh, listen, hang on to her. Ill be right down. Hhell be right down. Thank you. Would you like some coffee . Oh, not a thing. Thank you. Im already late for rehearsals. Im opening tonight at the new pink tiger theater. On northern boulevard . Yes. That used to be the old pink tiger. Well, well, well, well, well. Gee, here you are. Well, good to you see you. The last time i seen you, you was laid out pale as a goat. Howre you feeling . Oh, just fine. Thanks to your knowing exactly what to do. Oh, listen, it was a pleasure. I just wish there was some way i could express my appreciation. Well, i cant think of nothing, except, well, maybe the cab fare plus whatever. Oh, my goodness, i completely. Wasnt that silly of me . Here. This should cover it. Oh, wait a minute. The fare was only eight and a quarter. I cant break that bill. Oh, thats all for you. I insist. Do you know that this is a 50 . Yes. Well. I was telling your wife, mr. Bunker, im no lady. Ah. Well, listen, how you earned this 50 is no business of mine. I will just say, thank you, miss. Would you say no to a lot more money . [excited scream] you just won a Million Dollars no thanks. Nice balloons, though or no to more Vacation Days . Janet, im giving you an extra weeks vacation oh, ah. Nooo. What . No way. Who says no to more . Time warner cables all about giving you more. And virtually unlimited movies and shows on demand, so you can binge all day. Call now. And dont forget the free tv app. Get ultrafast internet with secure home wifi to connect all your devices. Saving on mobile data fees, helps big time. Switch to time warner cable. For 89. 99 a month youll get free hd channels, 100 meg internet and unlimited calling to half the world. We can call aunt rose as much as we want now. Switching is easy. Plus get free installation, tv equiment and epix included. Really . Honest. No. Im still like this here. Where did you go . Down to the drug store, wed run out of laborosis. Hey, arch. Hold this. Youre back, huh . Whatd you come over to mooch this time . Nothin, arch. I just ran over because i was feeling a little bit faint. Get him out of my house you told him and i told you not to say one word to nobody mike is family. Gloria is family. Whats standing behind me is an accident of marriage. Arch, what are you ashamed of . groaning youre a hero. You saved a life. Yeah, lifeguards give mouthtomouth all the time. Listen, edith, lifeguards victims is always wearing bathing suits. Arch, the man is not a freak. Outside of wearing womens clothes, he could be just like anybody else. Well, id never let my sister marry one or my brother neither. Let me ask you one question. Dont ask me nothin. I dont want to hear no more about it. Its over and done and forgotten. Case closed. Just one question. Aint you got no ear holes . I said, case closed. If you had known that that guy was a man, would you have saved his lif dumb question. cause i didnt know. Yeah, but if you had known, what would you have done . I suppose i would have got a fag fireman. So, all right, so youre saying that if you knew he was a transvestite, you wouldve let him die. Oh, mike, no. Archie aw, jeez archie wouldnt have done that because archie is a good christian. Thats right. Of course, he might have closed his eyes dont help me over there, will you . Just tick your lock. telephone ringing mike ill get it. Edith ill get it. Ill get that. Ill get that get out of here. You dont live here no more. Get over there and tick your lock. What . Oh, its you, huh, munson . No, no. I didnt tell the paper cause i dont want no publicity. What do you mean hero . Dont tell me nothin about heroes. The best heroes is the unstrung heroes. Hey, hey, dont come over here. I aint gonna be here. Im going down to kelcys. Goodbye, you jerk. What . You still didnt answer my question. Oh, here we go again. If you had known he was a transvestite, would you have let him die . Aw, jeez edith. Mike, archie would not let him die. It says in the bible, Love Thy Neighbor as you love yourself. There. Wwwait a minute. It also says in the bible which is what that fag bore up against me. Fag . You dont even know what youre talking about. It just so happens that the majority of transvestites are heterosexual. Thats what i said, fagolists. Just give me a straight answer. No no let me out of here would you have saved the man . Yes, yes, all right. I wouldve saved the man. Yes even if id have known he was a transvoisal. But in that case, i wouldve blew into him through my hat. Ma, you know whats nice about archie . What . You cant think of anything either, huh . Here you go, prince charming. Whats that supposed to mean . Munson told me how you gave the kiss of life to a sleeping beauty. Whats the big deal . Out of doing it, huh . Put a head on the beer and shut up. Okay, okay, coming right. Listen, archie, after what youve done, all your drinks is on the house. Oh, yeah . Yeah. As long as you keep it under two. Oh, funny, funny. Hey, arch, i want you to meet jim kitchener. From the Long Island Press. Oh, hey, hey, hey munson, i told you i didnt want no publicity. Yeah, but think of the publicity i can get for my cab. I dont care nothin about that. Our paper wants to make you, uh, citizen of the week, bunker. Ii dont want to be the citizen of the week. And heres a check for a 100 that goes with the honor. What can i tell you, mr. Koocher . Kitchener. Whatever. Everything. Just tell me how it all happened. Start from the beginning. Oh, at the beginning, well, i was over in kennedy driving my. Oh, there you are, mr. Bunker. Holy cow no. No, you didnt forget nothin. You paid me my whole fare and Something Else besides. You wouldnt be the one whose life he saved . Yes, i would. Well, im jim kitchener from the Long Island Press. Oh. Say, id like to get a shot of the two of you together. Hold it. Hold it. Hold it wait a minute. Before you start anything like that, id like to have a couple of words in private with this lady, if you dont mind. You dont mind, do you now . Oh, no, no. Just step right over here. Way over there. Whatre you doin here . How did you find me . Well, i called your house. Your soninlaw said hed be sure you were here. Ill kill him later. Well, you know, im opening tonight shushing at the new pink tiger. Theater, and i wanted you and your wife to be my guests for the show. Oh, yeah, yeah, all right. Were very much obliged, but listen, while youre in here, for gods sakes, dont take off the hair. I mean, not even for laughs. Because these guys in here, they aint liberal thinkers. Yes, i think i do. Good. Good. Thanks a lot for the invite and if youre in a hurry, feel free to leave. Im on a rehearsal break. But first, which way is the mens room . Cant you hold it in . No, i need to use the sand box. Right through that door. Thank you. Well, where is he . He went to the mens room. Why did you let him go there . Because im tidy. Hey, arch, youre gonna split that 100 bucks with me, arent you . Since it all happened in my cab. Heroes dont split nothin with nobody. Oh, boy yeah, she couldnt hold it in. She mustve made a mistake. No way, i was a medic in the army. Theres no mistake. Thats a guy in drag. No, you mustve been seeing things. Im already late for rehearsal, so maybe we better get on with the interview. Is something showing . All right. Iiill explain everything that happened. Beverly let me tell it. Yeah, but you aint gonna say nothin, are you . Well, the first thing i remember is i felt faint in the cab, and then mr. Bunker pulled over to the curb. And the next thing i remember, when i came to, i was being given mouthtomouth resuscitation by a truck driver. Truck driver . Oh, you mean cab driver. No, no, it wasnt mr. Bunker. It was a truck driver. Yeah, yeah, a truck driver it was. A great big guy. How do i find this guy . Call the teamsters. Try a hospital. Good idea. And remember, it happened in munsons cab. Thats spelt munson. Aw, jeez all right, mr. Bunker . Aw, aw, jeez, beautiful. Now, let me tell you something. Oops sorry, fella. I just wanted to say to you, beverly, for a dame, youre one hell of a guy. . Boy, the way glenn miller played . . Songs that made the hit parade . . Guys like us we had it made . [ together ] . Those were the days . . And you knew where you were then . [ archie ] . Girls were girls and men were men . [ archie, edith ] . Mister, we could use a man . . Like Herbert Hoover again . [ archie ] . Didnt need no welfare state . [ edith ] . Everybody pulled his weight . [ archie, edith ] . Gee, our old lasalle ran great . Oh, my. Thats the 11th time. Ive been up and down those stairs this morning. I dont know why you do it, ma. I know oscars a guest, but hes impossible. I can see why he drives daddy up the wall. Oh, well, he wont be here for long. Where is your father anyway . Oh. Oscar got up early, came down and grabbed archies sports section. He went back to bed, so archie had to go out and get another paper. Oh, i bet that made him mad. R relative that aggravated your fatherinlaw like that. Kind of a tall fellow with reddish hair. Real large earlobes. And warts on his right hand that he used to wear a glove to cover. Ma, thats cousin oscar. Thats right. , there you are. You had to get another paper . Uh, no, edith. I had to go out and inspect the traffic lights. Dont walk. Walk. Dont walk. Walk, you know . They work fine. I got something to tell all of youse. I made up my mind. Im going to get rid of that bum oscar today. I got a call in to cousin lou in detroit. Hes the head of the family. Let him figure out some way to get oscar home. And by the way, wheres our guest of honor at this moment . 0 nearly, and that deadbeat is still up there sawing wood . Maybe hes tired. Well, i aint surprised. He was up half the night flushing the toilet. Thats what has me a wreck today. Yeah, i heard that too. Maybe the man has a problem. Maybe he isnt well. Hes well all right. After the third flush he was doing it to spite me. All his life hes been spiting me. So he was running between his room and the toilet 32 times to help himself go to sleep . It does sound complicated when you think about it. Do me a favor, huh . Just butt out of the conversation. His whole being here is your fault anyhow. Now will you vacate that chair, meathead . Daddy, the man showed up at our front door looking so desperate. This way, edith. No. Maybe well all feel better if we had breakfast now. Oh, yeah. Good. Im starving. Yeah, me too. Shouldnt we tell oscar were eating . No, no, no. If hes still up there, well leave him go hungry. Oh, he wont go hungry. Right after he went to bed with your sports section, i took him up a little something. It was just a poached egg and some prunes. That aint the point what it is, edith. And if theres anything that that guy dont need, its prunes. Geez, im trying to figure out how to get rid of the guy, shes giving him breakfast in bed. And nothing on the table for us. Ill get it right away. Ill help you, ma. Hey, arch, how long you felt this way about oscar . He was always this big hump with a whole lot of red hair. And earlobes as big as apricots. And all kinds of warts. When we was kids, he was always chasing me on the grass, knocking me down and sitting on my face. Thats it . Aint that enough . You mean all he ever did was sit on your face on the grass . Sometimes on the cement. Aw, who knows . Like any second cousin eight or nine times removed. Wait a minute. I think i remember. Your sister alma had a brother phil wait a minute, edith. Why do you say my sister alma had a brother phil . If my sister had a brother phil, then i had a brother phil, too. Well, sure. But its that way in every family, archie. Ster helen is also my sister gertrudes oh, stifle it, will ya . I understand. Hey, what is this . Whats in these bottles . Oh, those are oscars vitamin supplements. He dont need no supplements. The guy eats as much as all of us put together. If oscar was here regular, id give myself three months. Then its over the hill to the poor house for me. Eggs, archie . T away. No. Let me, ma. Did he bring these vitamins with him . Oh, no. When i went shopping they was on his food order. His his food order . Edith, these vitamins cost the moon. What else was on the food order . Nothing. Just the regular. Meat, fruit, liquor. You bought him liquor . You only had rye. He wanted brandy. Well, just look a little harder, little girl, will ya . Use your eyes over there. Edith, what have we got going here . Brandy . Who do i look like, the duke of windsor . Edith, let me see the rest of the food order. I dont have it. I think i threw it away. What do you mean you think you threw it away . A, you did or b, you didnt. Pick one. She says there are no cigars there. What happened to my cigars . I guess you better ask oscar. Oscar dont smoke cigars. He does now. Well, now, that does it now thats the thing that broke the straw. Thats all there is to it. Im going to get rid of that freeloader today. Right now. Mike, go up and tell him. Why me . Because i asked you to. Cant you do that . Run upstairs, huh . Tell him get out of bed, get out of my pajamas and get his tail down here. And youse two, come on and clear off the table. Come on. Maybe wed better wait. What for, edith . Its almost his lunchtime, and his steak is already defrosting. His steak . Edith, put that steak back in the freezer. Its probably big enough for the four of us. We can have it for new years eve. He aint gonna have time for no lunch, cause im gonna get rid of oscar. In post and in haste. I tell you something, family can go just so far. Then you gotta grab the bull by the corns and heaveho. [ clears throat ] did you get him up . Is he coming down here . No. What do you mean, no . You didnt get him up, or he aint coming down . Both. What is that foolish look on your face . Why didnt you wake oscar up . Hes dead. Hes dead. What are you telling me a thing like that for . cause he is. No. Yeah. No. Yeah. Well, he sat on my face again. Hes got relations in 16 cities, but hes got to pick my attic to die in. Is oscar down yet, archie . Uh, no, he aint, edith. Say nothing to your motherinlaw. Is something wrong . What happened . Nothings wrong. Nothings wrong. [ softly ] she flies right to pieces. Keep quiet. Wheres oscar . Uh, in bed. He hasnt moved. Whats everybody acting so funny about . Is something wrong with oscar . Shes going right to pieces, nobody even told her yet. Shh told me what . Is it about oscar . Told her what . Edith, please. Dont get hysterical. I think theres something wrong with oscar. Women, just calm down gee whiz. Theres no reason to get hysterical at a time like this. What we dont need is a lot of screaming and crying whos screaming . Whos crying . Just calm down. Michael, what do you mean . Relax. Take it easy. The two of youse just dummy up, huh . Now let me handle this. Edith, uh, f freddy . Looklook, freddy. I mean, im only a second cousin, youre a first. Now you gotta help with this thing. I did call other people. E with this thing too. Well, fred, just do what you can and get back to me, huh . Fast. Ill wait for the call. Yeah. Goodbye. You crumb. What do you got to show us . Like i was telling your wife, you made a wise choice. By entrusting your beloved to a neighborhood mortuary, youre gonna come out smelling like a rose. Whitehead, how much . First and foremost, Whitehead Brothers wants to create a beautiful. And lasting memory picture of the loved one. Oh, aint that nice. Undertakers sound like mothers day cards. Uh, mrs. Bunker, we say Funeral Directors now. Youre not supposed to say undertakers anymore. Oh. Like the mafia. [ archie ] now stifle yourself. Whitehead, come here. Now listen, i know you 13 years from the lodge, right . Well, lets take a look at the book. Go ahead. All right, heres we got 329l, arch. We call it the patriot. Now the motif is early american, as you can see. Maple hardwood. Red, white and blue quilting. And painted on the inside lid, facing the deceased, the american flag. How much . Whats the difference how much, archie . Mr. Whitehead, ive been listening in, and if you dont mind my speaking openly what better time for it, son . In the presence of death, we are all of us achingly aware of the solitude whitehead, hold it, will ya . Spare us the stainedglass language. What was you saying . I just think this whole thing is barbaric. Its like some kind of circus. You said it. And im the clown in the middle ring. Come on, whitehead. Now how much are you going to charge me for that flag number . 325. 325 just for a box . Im supposed to give him a home through eternity . [ doorbell ringing ] hold on now. No. Edith, edith. No, no. Ill answer the door. I cant stand looking at them things. Will you go over and pick something out, huh . From the back of the book. Oh, mrs. Jefferson. How are you . Mr. Bunker, i came as soon as i heard the news. Im so sorry. What are you gonna do . Was his death untimely . Yeah, around lunchtime. Well, i brought this for you. Thank you. Well, you know where the table is over there. Hey, edith, mrs. Jefferson is here. What a lovely cake. Edith, a moment over here. A moment. [ doorbell ringing ] all right. Edith, we got people coming. Try and get an apron on her, maybe theyll think shes the maid. Ya, jimmy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know. Archie, archie, archie. Dont say nothing. I know how you feel. We know just how you feel. Jim lost his father three years ago last month. It was a beautiful service. 926 bucks. Uh, excuse me, jimmy, huh . Edith, the mcnabs are here. Whitehead, come here. Let me ask you something. Did you do the job on jim mcnabs old man about two years ago . We did it. Are you telling me that mcnab laid out that much for a funeral, huh . [ doorbell ringing ] the important thing is when you walk away from that cemetery. After a whitehead funeral, youre going to be able to hold your head up high. Whitehead archie, its a telegram for you. Good. Its the relations in detroit with the collection. Lets see how high they want to hold up their heads. Seventythree dollars and twentyfive cents. Our pet department gets that for a canary. Excuse me. Whitehead, its time for a little plain talk. Can a guy buy something, such as used . Used. Any floor models, demonstrators, fleet jobs . Whatever. What you want then is something modestly priced. Cheap, whitehead. Dirt cheap. [ doorbell ringing ] now find Something Like that for me in here. [ archie ] i gotta make a phone call. Oh, edith. [ sobbing ] wheres archie . [ sobbing ] archie. Who even knew oscar was living with you, the poor love. Did he suffer long . Was it terrible . Who are you . [ crying continues ] im cousin bertha. Wilbers daughter from ozone park. Hey, edith. Its been eleven years. Ill pull myself together. Well have a long talk. Geez, a death in the family, they come fallin out of the woodwork. Mr. Bunker, do you think the funeral will be in the morning . I usually do my shopping in the morning. Well, ill keep it in mind. Maybe we can pass the market on the way. Yeah. Whwhat are you doing . Well, nuts to you too mike, come over here. Stop feeding your face and help me, will ya . Do something around here. What do you want . Keep dialing that number on the pad there. When you get a line, let me know. Hhey, archie. Billy hartfeld, howd you find out . Oh, kennys wife told my old lady. Anyway, whens the funeral . I dont know, billy. Were working up to it. [ doorbell ringing ] well, whenever. Dont worry. I mean, the whole department is going to turn out. N the new union contract. Halfday for funerals. Oh, come on. Find a chair somewheres and sit down, huh . Its the reverend felcher. Good night, nurse. Hold it, whitehead. Hi there, reverend. How are you . Mr. Bunker, i was so unhappy to hear of your sorrow. I know that mere words cannot substitute for your loss. Well, you can say that again, reverend. Go ahead, whitehead. Shoot. I got an item here on page eight. Now, its the lowest one we got. Number 101p, 97. 50. But theres no guarantee against warping. Sold. All right. Lets see what it comes to with the other essentials. Theres the burial plot, memorial tablet, limousine service, memorial prayer booklets, youre building it up, whitehead. Recorded organ music, which ill throw in free. Youre building up. Give me the numbers. All right. Its about that figure there. Thats over 600 bucks. Whitehead, i cant go for that. We can talk it down arch. Its ringing. [ archie ] huh . Dont go away. I got a call. Yeah. Hello, is that you, freddy . Well, whos this . Oh, debbie marie, huh . Well, is your daddy there . Its your birthday . No, no, debbie marie, i dont want to guess how old you are. Look, kid, this is a longdistance call. I dont give a damn how old you are. Get your old man on the phone freddy. Freddy, where are ya . Im waitin for your call here. Huh . I know its debbie maries birthday. I dont want to guess her age. I done that already. Freddy, are you gonna help me or not . Whatwhat do you mean your wife wont let you . No, no. Let them cut the cake themselves. Stay with me on this line. I called you long distance. Freddy . Freddy, now dont get off the line. What a crumb. Get outta the way, will ya . Hey, archie . Let me talk to you for a second. What . I think i figured something out here. Ive been doing some checking up. I figured out a way it wont cost you a penny. If you want to go for it. Ill go for anything like that. What is it . You see, a cousin is not like a brother or a sister. I mean, there may be a moral obligation, but theres no legal one. All you have to do is call the coroners office, theyll go to whiteheads, pick up the body and dispose of it. Will they pay for the funeral . Well, thats just it. There is no funeral. They just put him in the ground in a place they call potters field. You know, its for paupers. Well, thats oscar. Hey, boy. Hey, in a pinch you really come through there. Thats sensational. Hey. I hate to do this to you, whitehead, but were gonna go this way for nothing. Archie, the reverend felcher would like you to tell him something about oscar. You know, for the service at the funeral. There aint gonna be no funeral. What . Dont argue. Whitehead, you heard what i said. Im waitin to hear you tell them. Youre gonna hear me right now. No, edith. Im not gonna do it. You gotta have a funeral. Uh, listen, everybody. Give me your attention, all of youse, huh . I wanna tell you something about the funeral. Archie, weve been through worse than this. When was that, edith . Well, weve been through things just as bad. When, edith . What do you want me to do . Spend over 600 on a funeral. For a cousin who used to sit on my face . Hell never do it again. [ clears throat ] now, folks, what i want to tell you is, uh uh, the funeral, uh, is gonna be saturday. Archie . What . You better make it friday. Theyre negotiating right now, but the grave diggers might go on strike friday midnight. . Boy, the way glenn miller played . . Songs that made the hit parade . . Guys like us we had it made . . Those were the days . . And you knew where you were then . . Girls were girls and men were men . Bert hoover again . . Didnt need no welfare state . . Everybody pulled his weight . . Gee, our old lasalle ran great
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