Okay, were back. Friday night crowd. Beautiful. Thank you. You look really sharp, tonight. [ applause ] thank you. I just threw this old rag on, from my closet. Now, first of all, ive got something to clear up. I did a joke last night on the show about spraying for med flies. We have a med fly problem, i guess. 36 med flies theyve discovered. And theyre spraying 22 square miles in los angeles, and according to the paper, theyre spraying with malathion, which is toxic, and they suggested well, you begin to wonder, right . Anyway, i got a call today from jara currey, from the California Department of food and agriculture. Apparently, that joke last night started to panic people. And she says dont panic, folks. It is the protein that carries the poison that spots the car. It doesnt strip the paint off. In other words, it apparently leaves little spots on the car. It does not strip the paint. So, in other words, its safe, i guess, on humans. Wouldnt it spot humans, too . [ laughter ] anyway, its not a dangerous thing, so if you happen to be out and you see a plane come over, dropping malathion, just stand there and enjoy it. But we did not mean to panic people. Anyway, the air is so bad out here today, 15 of the flies turned themselves in. [ laughter, applause ] i guess if you get a med fly infestation, it devours the citrus crop in california, and it only takes a few of them to get going, because theyre very prolific. I mean, you get one med fly, and apparently, they lay anybody know how many eggs they lay . Billions and billions of eggs. [ laughter ] as carl sagan would say. You probably know about oh, by the way, we have Shelley Winters on the show tonight, comedian tom parks and abby jay, who has a ridiculous act. Shes called, actually, a nose flautist, or is flutist correct . Flautist. Flautist. Alright. Shes going to be with us. Do you know about the los angeles raiders situation . We have a Football Team called the los angeles raiders. Apparently, they may have been lured away from the los angeles coliseum by the city of irwindale, california. Now, irwindale, california is about 25 miles east of los angeles, as i understand it. No. They gave the raiders 10 million up front, as an advance, i guess, against 150 million, to be gotten back in stadium revenues. 150 million. Now, weve been doing this show in burbank since 1972. We got to wondering. Burbanks been nice to us. But look what theyre going to give the raiders. 10 million up front. So, we thought wed just check into it, and so we sent a camera crew down to irwindale, to kind of check it out. I dont know if you know this or not, but irwindale is the gravel capital of southern california, and they plan to build a stadium, i guess, in one of the gravel pits down there. So we took a camera, seeing, maybe its the future home for the tonight show. So watch the monitor. This is actual film, as you will see here. Now, this is the main thoroughfare, but the locals refer to it as a Maintenance Free forest. [ laughter ] now, there you are right there. That is the gravel pit, and that is apparently where the new stadium is going to go if it comes through. We dont know yet. So, what we did i personally did not go down there, but i did send a very lifelike cardboard impersonation, and we took the desk down, and set it in the middle of the gravel pit, just to see how it would look. [ laughter, applause ] you could open the show, from the gravel pit of southern california, its the tonight show. Theres johnny. Now, this new stadium seats about, i guess how much . 60,000. 60,000 people. Now, can you imagine a studio audience of 60,000 people . Anyway, we thought we would call the gentleman, and check into this a little further. Now, what did i do with the guys name here . Okay. He is standing by on the phone. Its a legitimate call. His name is xavier hermoseo. And he is irwindales Public Relations consultant. He negotiated, apparently, the raiders deal. Is that a firm deal, already . The 10 million is firm. No refund. No, they keep that, no matter what. [ laughter ] ive had other deals like that, where 10 million has gone, with no refund. [ laughter, applause ] okay, now, he knew we were going to call him. We called him and said would you be in your office . Im going to chat with him. His name is xavier hermoseo, and im just going to dial his number here, directly [ busy signal ] [ laughter ] oh, come on, now. Weve got to be kidding. Hes probably talking to al davis, right now. [ laughter ] maybe i dialed wrong. Oh, we have two numbers here. Ive got a back up number. [ phone dialing ] hes probably negotiating with ted koppel. [ phone dialing ] [ ringing ] there we go. [ ringing ] hello . Id like to speak to mr. Hermoseo, please. Hold on, please. Thank you. He must be on the other line. Weve got to act fast on this. Obviously, hello, this is xavier. Mr. Hermoseo . Yes, sir. How are you . Im fine, how are you . This is johnny carson. Im calling from the tonight show. Oh, what a pleasure. Can we hear mr. Hermoseo in the audience all right . Weve got you on the speaker, here, to our tonight show audience. Okay. How are things in irwindale tonight . Rock solid. [ laughter, applause ] thats right. I forgot. Irwindale is a stones throw from another stones throw, isnt it . How many gravel pits does irwindale have . Too many. About 17. About 17 . Yes, sir. How did you manage to get al davis to come down to irwindale . Well, we gave him an offer he couldnt refuse. Gave him an offer he couldnt refuse . Now, you advanced him 10 million . 10 million. Biggest check ive ever seen. How many people live in the city of irwindale . 1040. [ laughter ] 1040, and you came up with 10 million . They didnt all chip in, did they . Were the Fastest Growing city in the state of california, in terms of assessed valuation. Oh, i see. So 1040 people, and you gave mr. Davis a 10 million check. Thats correct. Now, if they decide not to move there, what happens . Hes 10 million richer. Thats it . Now, let me ask you this, now. What inducements could you give us to move the tonight show toin well, thats tough. Let me think, here. Could we use one of the gravel pits . Do you have any studio space . Oh, sure. We have a lot of space. But youre not exactly al davis. [ boos ] well, youre not tom bradley, either. [ laughter, applause ] tell me a little bit about irwindale. Irwindale is about its 20 miles from los angeles. Its about 28 years old. 28 years old. We have your picture up on the screen now, mr. Hermoseo. Nice of you to do that. Okay. Its a primarily industrial and commercial city and we have been bringing big business to town. A major brewery theres a brewery nearby . [ applause ] how close would that be to the gravel pit . Eight lanes away. Eight lanes away . Just across the freeway. Just across the freeway. Good, okay. Ed, youre in. So, youve got a major brewery there. How about hotel space, for our guests . Pardon me . How about hotel space, when we fly in guests for the tonight show . Where would we put them up . We dont have any hotels. No hotels. Well, thats a problem, right there. Well build some. Youll build a hotel. [ laughter ] no gas station. Well, the people drive there for the Football Game and they run out of gas, whats the situation there . I think well put a gas station in by the time might put a gas station in. So youve got 1088 people. When is this stadium going to start . Well Start Construction of the stadium in november. In november. Now, whats that going to cost . Oh, about 80 million. About 80 million. Now, can i ask you a personal question . How do you raise that money with 1044 people . Through incremental tax increases. [ laughter ] oh, thats a big tax bite. Weve done situations like, we sold the brewery people 227 acres for a dollar. Oh, i see. And they built a 392 million brewery on it. Well, that sounds pretty good. Now, the people of irwindale do they get tickets to the games . Yes. Oh, they do . Absolutely. Everyone in irwindale to all the raiders games . Yes, sir. Thats not a bad deal. Not a bad deal. We also guarantee them an education. Also guaranteed an education. Well, good for you. Its nice talking with you, and maybe we can follow up with a letter, or something, and if you can give us some inducements, well certainly consider coming down there. In case we do come down there, you know, i do jokes about burbank on the tonight show, right . And so, we just wrote up some sample jokes about irwindale, to try out. Ug you tell me how these might go. Welcome to irwindale. Home of the ishtar amusement park. Xavier . If this marriage is going to work, and you know all about marriages. He said, if this marriage is gonna work, and you know all about marriages. How about, theyre having a big parade in irwindale, today. Salute to driveways. Machinery. [ laughter ] well, xavier, its nice talking with you. I wish you good luck. Thank you very much. I understand you played to rave reviews yesterday. I beg your pardon . I understand you played to rave reviews, yesterday, in the pits. Yeah, we did come down there. We did a little film and went to the signing party. It was a little flat, you know . A little flat. That was a cut out. It wasnt actually me, xavier. No, you see, that wasnt me. That was a cardboard cut out. I was in irwindale, yesterday. Anyway, xavier, its nice talking with you, and good luck. Thank you, sir. [ applause ] were going to move. I dont know. Going to have a tax increase. 1044 people. Okay, well be right back. Shelley winters is here, so stay where you are. [ music, applause ] okay. It is almost unamerican to say your mother is a bad cook, but you covered it very well. I guess were brought up to say that mothers can do no wrong, and sometimes they dont cook. Well, she was a nurse. When you have a nurse for a mother, than what you get from most other mothers. This scar that i have on the heel of my hand i was about 13 when i got that. I walked into the house with my hand cupped full of blood. My mom looked up from the couch and said, dont spill that on the rug. [ laughter ] nothing phased her. How did you get started . I was living in atlanta, and there was a small club there. I went out on a date. A woman got me i didnt really know much about it. I had never been in a club before and i sat in the front row watching harry chapin perform. In between songs, hed tell stories, and they were really funny. I turned to this girl at some point in the show and i said, i think i could do that. She looked at me and said, i think you could, too. [ laughter ] and that was that. Yeah. I went right into show business. Are you married . No, i cant gett do you want to go out again . Im on the road about 250, 300 days a year. You meet a lot of young ladies in this entertainment business. Yeah, i cant get past do you want to go out again . Young ladies like comedians. You ever notice that . They do. But they like musicians better. See, they think musicians are sensitive. Yeah, right. And theyve got instruments, and they write songs that have got the womens names in them. You cant write a joke about a woman, you know . You cant say, i wrote this for you. [ laughter ] she was so fat, that right, that doesnt work. I wrote that for you, baby. It doesnt work. Do you do other things besides comedy . Any other area . Ti well, theres a lot of stuff going on. Ive already done some commercials. I did a regional commercial in atlanta. It was a hand job. [ laughter ] thats what they call them. A hand model. Thats right. Hands on camera. 235 to do this. Now, i had to go down and audition for the hand job. Im at the Biggest Advertising Agency in the country, walter thompson. Theres a guy can you do this . [ laughter ] now, im thinking, ive got a college education. I want desperately to be able to do this well enough to please him. I did it. Can you imagine the people who couldnt do this . Ten of them. Couldnt get the job. Its down to two of you. Well be right back. [ music, applause ] were a little long, tonight. Abby jay will be with us soon, again. Wa tom, youre the National Spokesman for the comedy crusade against diabetes, which is going to be occurring november 2nd, in comedy clubs in all 50 states, so i want to mention that. Thank you for being here. My pleasure. Shelley, thank you. [ music, applause ] . Come and knock on our door . . Come and knock on our door . . Weve been waitin for you . . Weve been waitin for you . . Where the kisses are hers and hers and his . . Threes company, too . . Come and dance on our floor . . Come and dance on our floor . . Take a step that is new . . Take a step that is new . . Weve a lovable space that needs your face . . Threes company, too . Life is a ball again . . Laughter is callin for you . . Down at our rendezvous . . Down at our rendezvous . Cook or youre fired your problem is my problem. That a boy. This shouldnt take very long. Felipe already made the meat sauce for the spaghetti. Felipe . Yes . You . felipe, dont you have something to do . Yes, of course, mi jefe. screams oh, the pain i cut my finger. Well get back to you as soon as we can. Are you scared of a little shot . Scared . Me . laughs no, its just that, mm. I have this, uh, big game coming up this weekend on the beach and i dont want anything to interfere with that old tripper swing, you know. Oh, is that all . Then theres nothing to worry about because thats not where i give the shot. Oh, good. What . Just make sure you dont wind up sitting on the bench. No way why not . Thank you. screaming mommy oh jack . Janet, what are you doing here . Well, mr. Angelino called me. Are you okay . I was up till a minute ago. I cut my finger but its all right now. Mr. Angelino really had me worried. Look, i got to get down to the restaurant. What do you mean . We have to find a new roommate. Ooh. Excuse me, could you tell me where the nearest pay phone is . Right around the corner. Was that your husband . My husband . No. Thats a good thing. If he were, youd never get him out of his clothes. You dont know jack. chuckling you do . Thats great. Whats she like . Oh, shes really sweet. Shes just the kind of girl youd like to live with. We really hit it off. Oh, thats fantastic. I cant wait to meet her. Jack, you already have. Hi, jack. Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. No. No no. Well, hello, there. And who is this blossom from loves. Bouquet . This is terri. Shes our new roommate. Really . Hi. seductively hi. Larry please dont let that stop you from moving in. forced chuckling janet mimics chuckling seriously, if there is anything you need, just yell. Ill be at your service 24 hours a day. Woman larry, where are you . Starting tomorrow. Ooh. whoops yes daylight come and he got to go home. If youll excuse me theres some things i have to do in preparation for the party tonight. Jack. How long does he hold a grudge . Terri, come on. Stop worrying about jack. Oh, i cant help it. Look, all that happened is that you just, you know you hurt jacks pride this afternoon. Thats it. Yeah. I guess ive just got to find a way to mend his bruised ego. What are you going to do . Whatever it takes to make jack feel like a man again. Oh. What . breathily jack. Yah what are you doing . I was separating an egg. U shouldnt be doing that. Huh . Cooking is womans work. Its what . Everybody knows that. At least everybody who still knows what makes a man. A man. Unless the man happens to like cooking. laughing oh, jackiepoo, i just love the way you make the silliest things giggling wait, wait, wait. growls there, you see . You men, youre just all thumbs. growls but dont you worry. I will have that cleaned up for you in a little while. growling laughing nervously how did it go . And stay out that well . You know, janet, uh, the way things are going i think i should just get my purse walk out of here and pretend like we never even met. But im not going to and do you want to know why . Youre not a quitter . Because i gave up my old apartment. knocking at door furley open up, its r. F. Whos that . Uh, r. F. Ralph furley, mr. Furley, our landlord. He may have his little quirks a little act i worked up to save your party tonight. Furley the magnificent senses that you have a beautiful friend visiting you. Hey, thats pretty good. Its this trick blindfold i can see right through it. Come here, mr. Furley. Watch your step there. Id like you to meet. No, no, no. Dont tell me. I am now going to amaze and delight you the name of your friend. Without the help of any clues. Uh, all i need is some impersonal object you might have on your person like a hankie or a compact or a. Wallet. With a drivers license in it. Okay. Whats this . My compact. Give me the wallet. Ah ah . The name is terri aldenren is the great magnificent furley right or is he wrong . Hes wrong hes wrong what . Oh. Terri alden, r. N. Terris a nurse. She works at wilshire memorial hospital. Shes our new roommate. Oh. Well, i knew that. I was just going to say it if youd give me the chance. Was nice to meet you welcome to our building. Thank you so much. Youre going to get along just fine with the girls. The girls . Yeah, janet and jackqueline. Or didnt jack tell you that hes gay . No, but i think i just figured out what i did wrong. Thank you, mr. Furley. Dont mention it. Im going to get ready for the party. Hang on right there. Wait, dont go out with your blindfold on. Why not . I can see right through it. Oh, right. Terri. furley screams uh, mr. Fur. Terri, wait a minute janet uh, mr. Furley. furley groaning loudly are you all right . Jack. Now what . I owe you an apology. Oh . You know what i said before that a real man wouldnt set foot in the kitchen . Yeah . Well, i never should have said that. Ay you are then so am i. The way i am . Sure. Cooking doesnt make you any less of a man than if you played baseball or you boxed, or. Well, it just so happens that i do box. You, you box . Ye. Yes, and im darn good. Back in the navy i was in two, three fights a week. Oh, i can imagine. The other sailors what . Oh, jack, im just trying to tell you that i understand. Oh, im sorry. How did you ever get into the navy . What kind of a question is that . Jack, i. Ill tell you something. The navy was darn glad to get me i could have been middleweight champion on my base. I had a left that could knock you out. Come on, man, come on. Jack. What are you doing . Im warming up for my next fight. I could even use. Ooh my elbow. doorbell rings i hear bells. Uhhuh. Why dont you, uh. Answer the bell, champ. jack groaning oh, elbow pain. Jack. I just spent the last five minutes giving didi her voice lesson. So what . So what . we didnt even get past the breathing exercises. Youve got to find some way i got problems of my own. If i live with terri another minute ill go crazy. If didi finds out she cant have this apartment, shell. What did you just say . Shes been putting me down since we met. I cant live with that person. Why dont you just get rid of her . I wish i could, but i promised janet. I didnt. What . If i get rid of terri would you consider taking didi in . You got it, pal. Good. Lets go shopping. Right, shopping. Shopping for what . Ill explain. Shell be begging to get out of here. You mean jack isnt gay . No. Mr. Furley just has to think that otherwise hed never let jack live wi