we have a beautiful woman-- a beautiful young actress who was with us once before ana obregon is here. [ applause ] and a lovely little girl. i think she's only five years old. i have not met her. i have seen her on the bill cosby show. her name is keshia knight pulliam. she will be out with us. [ applause ] and some other things, so thank you for coming, and we'll be back in just one minute. [ music ] [ music ] [ applause ] oh, i like that. thank you. we have-- [ applause ] ana obregon. a little young lady. keshia knight pulliam. interesting name. isn't it? they say she's adorable. she's-- >> i've not seen here. >> she's on the bill cosby show. from time to time the american library association. they ask librarians across the country for the most unusual questions asked by those visiting, or phoning the library. did you know that very often they have in many towns. your local library has a service. if you phone them, and you have a question or something. they'll do everything they can to look it up, and answer it right over >> that's great. >> which is nice. >> yeah. >> you have an argument sometimes. >> sure. >> who is the succession to william the conqueror. you get in an argument. you call the library, and they'll tell you. >> who was? [ laughter ] >> who followed william the conqueror? >> yes. harvey the-- >> murray the loser. >> oh, murray the loser. [ laughter ] >> all right. smart. who followed william the conqueror? >> let's call the library. >> you see. you think you remember things from school, and you don't. fred-- fred would know because >> he was a nice man. >> nice man. anyway, we've asked some of the libraries to give us some of the questions being asked lately, and they are fascinating. i'm going to read you, and see-- i'll test you. it's not fair because i have the answers. you can give me one, too, but i looked at them. what's the most popular perfume of all time? >> chanel number five. >> you're absolutely right. >> how about that? huh? [ applause ] >> wait a minute. wait a minute. [ laughter ] that's right, and you get the luggage, and the jewelry. [ laughter ] >> door number two. >> and the trip to mazatlan. chanel number five is right. incidentally there was no chanel numbers one, two, three, or four. >> right. >> do you know why? number five was selected because it was coco chanel's lucky number, and she said, "number five," and that was it. the least popular of all perfumes-- >> was. >> sick hyena 12. [ laughter ] interesting question. how many tons of steel were released for the war effort corsets during world war one? they asked ladies to-- you know, they used to have those-- >> stays. >> stays made of metal. it was led by alice longworth who was later alice longworth roosevelt. the ladies donated 28,000 tons of steel from corsets in the 1915, 16, and 17. i guess. >> boy. >> enough for two battleships. [ laughter ] or one dolly parton. [ laughter ] does a woman have more ribs than a man? >> yes. >> no. >> no. because adam. that's right. >> no. you're right. although a surprising number of people take the bible literally on the creation of eve from adam's rib. interesting. a woman only has more ribs, i think, if she just divorced tony roma. then she would have more ribs. [ laughter ] >> how many people in this audience think-- >> he has a lot of barbeque places. did adam have a navel? [ laughter ] is a question very often. >> no. of adam which hangs in the sistine chapel, but that's an interesting point also. >> no umbilical cord. >> apparently not. [ laughter ] >> tony roma has one. [ laughter ] >> no. adam did have a little sign on his tummy. said, "coming soon." [ laughter ] most people-- most people don't-- how much water can a pelican's pouch hold? >> three gallons. >> how did you know? [ laughter ] you were probably out drinking with him. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> he did beat me. he did beat me. >> on a beer chugging contest. i might put my money on you. twelve quarts which is three gallons. the pelican does not use its pouch to store food though. it scoops up small fish, and then swallows them. you knew that. >> yes. >> how'd you know three gallons? >> i don't. >> is it true that a female ferret will die if she is not bred the first time she comes into heat? >> she'll certainly be awfully upset. many female ferrets do die when they are not bred the first time they come into heat. boy, you see now. if i'd have known that growing up in school. you know, if you don't do it. we're going to die. [ laughter ] >> you mean you didn't use that? >> do you ever have mockingbirds around your house? >> yep. >> that sing about 2:00 in the morning. well, apparently some people have, and they called the library pretty steamed. how do you discourage a mockingbird from waking you up at 2:00 a.m., and well, a local animal behaviorist suggests that a bright light is probably the trigger for the bird's recital, so dim the light, and the bird will most likely stop, or if you can locate his roost. shake the tree for several nights in a row, and the bird will take his performance elsewhere according to him. also a sawed off remington. [ laughter ] a shotgun is a little more severe. how many men does a woman kiss before she marries on before she's married. how many different men would she kiss? just make a guess. >> a hundred. >> the average american woman kisses 79 men before marrying. >> oh, that woman. >> that one. [ laughter ] but none afterwards. why do you never see people in beer commercials swigging beer? is it against the law? >> it's against fcc regulations. >> yeah. it's not against the law. you ever see the beer commercials when they say, "hey, now guys. it's so and so, or whatever. give me a bud light." you never see them swallow the beer. apparently code of ethics think that showing people drinking alcoholic beverages on television doesn't serve the public interest. yet if you watch television dramas or soap operas. >> right. >> they're guzzling-- putting it away like they're going to the electric chair. [ laughter ] why do men and women's shirts button on different sides? well, apparently that goes way back-- it was easier to draw a sword when garments were fastened from left to right. from right to left. no particular reason that women's dresses button that way. which part of the egg comes out of the chicken first? [ laughter ] >> wait a minute. >> well, an egg. it has a small end and a big end. >> oh, i see. >> which part of the egg comes out of the chicken? >> i'll guess the big end. >> my god. you're right. [ laughter ] the station welcomes the view of opposing chickens. [ laughter ] what's the biggest industry in the united states? quick. >> automobile industry. f aren't these exciting? [ laughter ] now, we eat turkey. don't we? for thanksgiving. what did the pilgrims originally eat for thanksgiving? they ate eels, clams, corn, ducks, wild goose, and lobster in addition to some turkey, but how did the turkey get to be? >> i don't know. >> the national bird, or i don't know. they didn't say. what was the longest movie kiss ever shown on screen? this one will surprise you. >> was that the thomas crown affair? >> a hundred and eighty five that's three minutes by regis toomey, and jane wyman in "you're in the army now" released in 1940. three minutes? jane wyman was married to ronald reagan at the time. did you know that? she kissed another man for three minutes. ronnie was probably napping at the time. [ laughter ] [ applause ] three minutes. that would be interesting. could we get that film clip? i don't remember that. >> it's a cut away. >> it's a cut away? >> they cut away, and then come back. >> oh, well that's not fair then. we've heard that-- this is a question asked to a librarian. we've heard that whales do it. [ laughter ] that's the way people ask a librarian. they don't come right out. they say, "do it." [ laughter ] there's three of them involved. >> that's correct. [ applause ] >> you were obviously out swimming with them this morning. [ laughter ] >> that is correct. >> well, let me tell you about this. obviously you know, but of gray whales. it's been noted that another interesting habit is that mating is done in threes. one female, and two males. the role of the second male is not well understood. [ laughter ] but has something to do with mutual assistance. well-- the second male, i think, carries the baggage into the motel. [ laughter ] whales doing it. i wonder what they do afterwards. smoke a carton of cigarettes? [ laughter ] how-- now, how did you happen to know? >> i happen to know that. that's all. >> you knew about everything of marine life. you know that pelicans have three gallons. you knew that whales have this strange habit. >> not necessarily strange. there have been many parties like that. [ laughter ] no. no. oh, no. all right. we'll be back. we have george carlin, ana obregon, and keshia knight pulliam. [ music ] [ applause ] hello, there. thank you, doc. we're talking with author-- this used to be the spot on the show where we'd have the author in the latter part of the show. >> fit spot. >> so it's fitting right in here. this book is weird, george. >> thank you, john. >> and funny. weird and funny. the book club. >> well, yeah. this is-- i have my own copy here if you don't mind. >> these are subtitles of books you're thinking of-- right now. if you join now you get all these books free. >> uh huh. >> where to bring a short woman. [ laughter ] never trust a nun with a gunshot wound. [ laughter ] >> how to make a flagpole out of a basketball. >> right. how to remove a cyst from a loved one. [ laughter ] >> adopting the dead. >> very nice. >> yeah. >> a complete list of everyone who enjoys coffee. [ laughter ] >> you can have a career in salt. [ laughter ] >> are these things that happened when you feel bad at night, or late in the-- early in the morning. >> yeah. as i say. when the tv is broken, and i sit down with my pen and pencil. no pad. just a pen and pencil. [ laughter ] >> pull out your hair, and sing. >> yes. well, you have to read them fast. see i think people have to be sitting there, and they sort of grow. you've got five in a row, and then you sort of fall out of your chair. [ laughter ] >> what else do we got here? >> this is to be hoped. >> other books. i didn't see that. >> oh. those are ones that i wrote myself. >> the history of music in iowa. >> yes. [ apau >> six ways-- oh, i can't read that one. there are so many here that a just a little earthy. >> okay. [ laughter ] >> as they say. >> here's one. eat, run, stay fit, and die anyway. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> the wrong underwear can kill. >> true. [ laughter ] how to filet a panda. [ laughter ] >> when to let your bowels go crazy. [ laughter ] i mean, what is this? on these things. [ laughter ] then we have a feature here, johnny. in the future these are some things which are-- you know, according to scientists these things will probably occur. you want to be careful on a couple of these, too, by the way. >> yeah. i have to read these very quickly to make sure. >> in the future i'll try-- i'll start you with one here. religions will charge people a huge fee at birth, and then pretty much leave them alone. [ laughter ] >> that'll cut out the middleman right there. >> yeah. absolutely. >> i like that. >> in the future vegetables will grow so large they will have to be eaten right at the farm. [ laughter ] these are the kind of things when you are a kid. they had the-- >> in the future man will control the weather with a large hammer. [ laughter ] >> no one will take drugs, but people will still buy them, and carry them around. [ laughter ] >> american businessman's credo. you've got a lot of things in here. >> yeah. well, it's a lot of-- it's stuff-- you know what it really amounts to, johnny. >> i saw me in here. >> oh, yeah. you're on the page of-- >> i saw myself in here on predictions. >> celebrity predictions. >> don ho will change [ laughter ] johnny carson will stop getting married, but will continue to get divorced. [ laughter ] you've got to do your reading. continue to get divorced. >> paul newman will give up race driving, and hitch hike across the country in a pirate costume. [ laughter ] just things that came out of the file. you know, and i decided one day to get them together. >> news from around the world. >> oh. i've got something for you, john, that might even be a little more attractive to you than that. as he found it, he said. well, i ain't going to worry about it now. things you never see. really interesting twins. [ laughter ] a guy who snorts iron ore. [ laughter ] a bum with nice luggage. [ laughter ] >> here's things you'll never see. a lore intestine donor. >> right. >> and 80 year old woman with a well coordinated wardrobe. [ laughter ] [ applause ] we got him. >> oh, that's funny. anyway. george carlin. sometimes a little brain damage can help. what else are you doing lately now? >> well, doing a lot of things in real life, but, you know-- off that path a little bit. we're very interested in charities. as you know i've been working a lot with the malibu home for the unimportant. [ laughter ] we're trying to get a new group together called "vasectomies for the unwilling". [ laughter ] also-- >> the yelling and screaming clinic. i suppose. >> oh, yes. they're right next door. you just move them from one building into the next. >> you're not into the one i donate to. >> what's that? >> the polish home for unwed bowlers is apparently large. [ laughter ] >> that's something i'd like to get tied into if i could. you know, we're interested in the squat people of america are starting to reach out. >> the squat people. >> squat. you know how they say a guy who's short and squat. >> yeah. >> well, there are squat people apparently, [ laughter ] their slogan is, "we're squat. so what?" [ laughter ] >> so what? good. good. catchy. pithy. right to the point. >> also people who have wet daydreams. there's a new support group for that. [ laughter ] >> wet daydreams. new support group. you call, i suppose, when-- >> yeah. well, they have support. a lot of support groups out here in california. you know, you have-- there's a suicide group. by the way, we have three openings. [ laughter ] >> couldn't get the call through obviously. yes. >> and the coalition for better pancakes. i've been working with them. house of pancakes is an interesting organization. >> the international house-- the international house of salt and pepper. i don't get to too often. thank god. i think i'll have a little of this. >> do you-- do you invest in other things other than just show business, or-- >> i've been-- i've been-- you know, i've been [ deleted ]. >> most entertainers are not-- [ laughter ] well put, i think. yes. well put. >> i had so many i had to write them down. don't get lost. >> right. i've had some bad business. i am into something nice now. it's a lightbulb that only shines on things you really want to see. [ laughter ] >> otherwise it doesn't go on at all. >> and you'll be interested in this, ed. this is a new kind of a combination new years hat, and barf bag. [ laughter ] just reverse the elastic. [ applause ] >> right. good. >> inflatable tuxedos for weddings at sea. [ laughter ] toupees with ear laps. [ laughter ] >> never been done. >> that's the new look in west la. >> yeah. >> and black dandruff for people with gray hair. [ laughter ] >> good moves. we'll be right back. stay with us. [ music ] [ applause ] thank you, george. you're funny as usual. >> thank you. >> very funny, and original. i have one. maybe you could help me if you tell a joke-- >> yeah. >> and there's no one around to hear it. is it funny? >> i'll be back in six months to let you know. yeah. >> those things-- three in the forest. >> real zen like. >> yeah. anyway. where are you headed for? >> i'll be going-- catching the slauson bus, and i'll be home in about an hour. [ laughter ] >> okay. wait till he gets home, and then call 818. your area code has probably been changed, too. sometimes a little brain damage helps. [ music ] thank you for being here. ana obregon will be with us tomorrow night. thank you. we'll see you tomorrow. [ applause ] ? come and knock on our door ? ? come and knock on our door ? ? we've been waitin' for you ? ? we've been waitin' for you ? ? where the kisses are hers and hers and his ? ? three's company, too ? ? come and dance on our floor ? ? come and dance on our floor ? ? take a step that is new ? ? take a step that is new ? ? we've a lovable space that needs your face ? ? three's company, too ? ? down at our rendezvous ? ? down at our rendezvous ? i'll sleep so long when i wake up they're going to have to dust me. wait, girls, wait. what about my date? what difference does it make if we're here or not? oh, well... you see, i... i sort of told lisa that, dear boy, is your problem. cindy and i will be in there dead to the world. that's the best you're going to get. help me out, janet. ( doorbell rings ) would you just... no. no, no, no. mr. furley, come on in. hi, kids. hi. hi, mr. furley. i need one of you to feed my turtle while i'm gone. janet will love to do it. thank you, jack. where are you going, mr. furley? oh, on a wonderful, romantic weekend made just for two. hey, congratulations. yeah. leisurely little drive down to la jolla then dinner by candlelight then some intimate dancing. wow, that really sounds nice. any woman would love that. yeah. do you know one who would like to go with me? i hope you have a very good time. come on, cindy. i'll help you clean up the kitchen. if i think of anybody, i'll sure let you know. well, make it fast. i'm leaving in half an hour. yes, sir? now, jack, i know you look at me and you say to yourself "that furley never has any trouble getting women. "i mean, he's got all the moves "the threads, the savoir faire... drives girls crazy." right. crazy. jack... jack, believe it or not even i can have a brief little dry spell now and then when i don't score. no. i'm in one now. has it been going on long? my last date was in february. february? well, that's not so long ago. two years ago. you mean the february before the l...? so, to tide me over, jack i was wondering if maybe you could, well... fix me up. me, fix you up with a girl? yeah, i know it sounds crazy but you must run into a few beautiful, intelligent woman who could appreciate a real macho. i-i don't know, mr. furley. all right, all right she doesn't have to be intelligent. as long as she can dress herself. i-i'm sorry. so forget beautiful. i mean, they're always so shallow anyway. gee, i'm afraid... let me put it this way-- if she's got body heat... and speaks a few words of english i want to meet her. s the key to my apartment. key to your apartment? yeah. so janet can feed my turtle. weren't you listening? i'm going to be gone all weekend. all weekend... and you want me to give this key to janet? scatterbrained little janet? not on your life, mr. furley. i'll take care of your little turtle myself. well, thank you, jack. no problem. i'll see you later. maybe i can find a mate for him. lord knows one of us should get lucky in that apartment. here we are. didn't you say that you lived on the second floor? i do. it's just that the building is sinking, you see... ( laughs ) oh, jack, you are so funny. actually, i moved. i wanted a little nicer apartment. you call this nicer? ( clears throat ) yes, well, you see, it's... decorator's nightmare. all this junk. yeah, i know. see, i rented a furnished apartment. i'm still trying to talk to the landlord, mr. furley into changing it. you should talk him into burning it. oh, where's the bathroom? or... are we in it? ( laughing ) well, you just go right down the hall, lisa and turn left and you'll see the little tinkle-torium ( screams ) ( screams ) jack, what are you doing here? uh... uh, i thought the turtle might be thirsty. mr. furley, what are you doing home? oh, i was cruising along thinking how lucky i was going to get when i ran into a tow truck. oh, no. it wasn't all bad. he towed me home. i got to talk on the little radio. you know-- "charley-baker, ten-four, out." mr. furley, it's still early. w-why don't you hitchhike? say, did i leave my bathroom light on? lisa: jack, is someone there? have you got a girl here? no, of course... are you kidding? me? no! well, that's not a man's voice. or is it? oh... darn, mr. furley me to find a girl for you and i found one. a girl for me? but i wasn't going to be here. that's no fun. well, no, no. you see, she's... mr. furley... she's an interior decorator and when i told her all about you she just couldn't wait to see your apartment. oh, well, i bet this pad really knocked her out, huh? right. she said she's never seen anything like it. oh... dlord, mr. r. furley. this is lisa page. so this is mr. furley. the one and only. you know, we were just discussing the incredible decor in here. i decorated it myself. i'm not surprised. thank you. you know, the whole room should be on exhibit somewhere. you could charge admission. you really think so? we could? yes. and, uh, the sooner, the better. it can't be too soon for me. excuse me. ahh! i have to be getting lisa back. sorry to rush off like this. jack, i was just getting started. i'll call you tomorrow. we will do some fantastic things together. excuse me, i hate to rush off. ome, mr. fur... jack, she really likes me. thank you, thank you. oh, she really does. let's get out of here. but he wants me to do... no, he'd just hang around all night and bother us. let's go upstairs to my old apartment. but doesn't somebody live there? not in the living room... i mean not in the... living-wise? no. it's vacant. i still have my old key to my old apartment, which is upstairs. let's go, okay? attagirl. well... here we are. well, you know, for a vacant apartment it certainly looks lived in. it sure does. well, uh, now, uh... we've seen my new place and my old place. what say we go see your place. oh, jack, wait. i'm tired. could we just sit down? oh, sure, no problem. right here. jack, why are we sitting here? is there something wrong with the couch? oh, well, no-- it's just that, that floor over there is weak. it's decaying. that's why i moved downstairs. ( yawns loudly ) what was that? ( high-pitched yawn ) that's me. i always yawn when i'm having fun. uh, jack, um... isn't there something you'd rather do anything. uh, except this. oh, lisa! lisa: what's come over you? jack: i couldn't help myself seeing you crawling there... i mean sitting ow! i mean-- oops. who are you? who? who... ah! get in here. excuse me. and who are you? yes, who are you people?! jack... we tried. we were going to crawl into the... we're his roommates. roommates? well, no, n-not exactly. see, the truth is they're my pen pals from up north. they had no place to stay. jack... well, i can't kick them out or they'll never write me another letter anymore. don't bother, jack. lisa, wait, please. i never want to see you again. you... did you hear what she called me? you're not an awful liar, jack. thank you, cindy. you're just about the best darned liar morning, cindy. morning. have you seen jack? after last night, i bet he's feeling miserable. yeah. me, too. look, why don't we just do everything we can to cheer him up? okay. ( door slams ) here he comes. smile. good morning, ladies. i feel wonderful. you do? yes, and you know why? because last night i found truth. well, it was always there. i took a vow-- from now on, i'm never going to lie again. well, good for you, jack. good for you. and at least you have never lied to us. yeah. well... have you? well, janet... what? do you remember that afternoon you asked me to close the flower shop for you and i told you i didn't have the time? oh, i sure do. i missed my one chance to go out with gorgeous greg dunn. i just didn't want to be bothered. oh... oh, boy, it feels so good to get that lie off my chest. i'm thrilled for you. well, janet, at least he's being honest. i think it's wonderful. thank you, cindy. and if that's the only time... no, no, no. there's more. cindy... remember when i sent you to every drugstore in town it was raining and i got splashed with mud so i ruined a new pair of shoes. there was no such cough medicine. i hate to tell you why i wanted you to get out of the apartment... monique! but that's another story. oh! boy, being honest gives me such a warm feeling. yeah. it's making me a little flushed. i'm getting kind of hot under the collar myself. listen, i got to go meet larry regal beagle or else i'd tell you about a lot of other things. we can hardly wait. girls, i'll tell you you do not know how much i hated myself last night but this morning, it's a love affair. i love myself, and you know why? because i'm finally getting these lies off my conscience. i'll tell you, i am really fired up about being honest. oh, jack, i'm happy for you. here... here's a little something for your honesty. well... and here's a little something for your fire. ( yells ) ( yelling ) hey, lar. hey, jack. what a surprise. what are you talking about? we were supposed to... i was just talking about us to luanne. how do you do? i've been waiting to meet you. rry, wha-what... luanne is just waitressing now but she wants to be a model and she'll do anything-- anything, jack-- to break into the business. it must be very exciting working at playboy. playboy? yeah. i was just telling luanne how we work there together-- you the art director and me-- well, all modesty aside you did say the other day right? photographer? larry, larry, larry. what? jack! come on. okay, okay maybe i'm not their top photographer. larry, you don't know one end of a camera from another. oh, great! another phony? good-bye, larry. no, no! wait, wait! luanne, i can explain... you want sexy pictures? you wear the bikini you bought. this is not even my size. jack, do you know what you just did? yeah, i told the truth. why would you do a thing like that? larry, i couldn't let you string that poor kid along. of course you could, jack. you are jack, aren't you? larry, hear me out. i-i made a vow that from now on i'm going to be completely honest in every way. lie down. it will pass. take the pledge with me. there's no reason why you can't be as honest as i. what, are you crazy? i'm a used car salesman! excuse me. could you tell me where the pay phone is? lisa, lisa, listen... i-i made a terrible mistake being dishonest with you last night. you sure did. but i-i want... i-i want you to know that because of you i changed my whole lifestyle. from now on i'm going to be 100% completely honest. really? scout's honor. well, then i'm so glad i ran into you. oh? i'm on my way to a client's. i've redesigned his penthouse apartment and what i need more than anything else is a really honest opinion. well, you've come to the right person. let's take a look here. ah. well, frankly oh. not that i'm knocking penitentiaries. well, i certainly appreciate your honesty. i thought you would. listen, lisa, what do you say about you and me getting together tonight? tonight? well, what say we get together now? what was that for?! for your dumb opinion, jerk! that's jack. and the next time i run into you i hope i'm driving. hi. anybody home? well, well. look who's back-- the poor man's george washington. one more word, jack and i'll chop down your cherry tree. janet? how do you like my new dress? well... i picked it up at a sale. i'm crazy about it. you are? yeah. it's lovely on you, cindy. thanks, janet. why don't you tell her the truth, janet? jack. janet, if you don't like it, i wish you'd tell me 'cause i think you have real good taste. oh, cindy, that's not what you told me last week. what did you tell him last week, cindy? nothing. come on, cindy. you said you hated that plaid dress janet was wearing. i did not. then what did you say, cindy? uh, i said i didn't like it for me but it's all right for someone with... with... short legs?! janet, i didn't mean... short legs?! well, let me tell you something about my legs. they are not short they are not long they are just right. but perhaps somebody with legs like a giraffe might not notice that. who you calling a giraffe?! if the legs fit, wear 'em. you see? this is great. this is wonderful. what?! what?! it's wonderful that you two are finally being completely honest with each other. oh, shut up! hey! you have not lived here long enough to talk to him like that. shut up! girls, you're acting like children. i am not! you are, too. well, if that's how you feel, cindy perhaps you'd like to shop around for a more mature roommate. yeah. one that's full-grown! cindy! girls, girls! shut up! shut up! i can see you're upset, but i still say... ( doorbell rings ) that honesty is the best policy and i will say that to my dying day. the way you're going, that's bound to be tomorrow! jack, what happened? well, cindy asked janet how she liked her dress... no, no, no. i mean, with my dream girl, lisa page. she said she would phone me about getting together. i've been waiting all day. mr. furley, uh... you mean that you made a date yeah, yeah. i-i came home last night feeling so miserable like no one loved me, like my life was empty and then i met lisa and she made me realize how desirable i really am. look, mr. furley, i've got to be honest and tell you what lisa really felt about you. lay it on me. i'll try not to get a swelled head. she didn't? no. she... oh, no. uh... she... she loved you. really? she loved me? yes but she vowed never to lay eyes on you again never to speak to you again. why? uh, her husband. darn! she's got one of those, huh? mr. furley, it-it was through tears that she told me about him-- his tragic illness, his total dependence on her. through tears, huh? yes, sir. i mean, she'd leave him in a minute for you but she knows that that would be the end of him. i mean, lisa is miserable. miserable, huh? that's so sad. listen, buster that's not exactly day-old bread! that poor kid. if i'd known the whole story jack... you were just super. yeah, jack. you're wonderful. oh, jack, are you all right? i'm fine. i'm fine. it didn't hurt a... i'm such a liar. ? come and knock on our door ? ? come and knock on our door ? ? we've been waitin' for you ? ? we've been waitin' for you ? ? where the kisses are hers and hers and his ? ? three's company, too ? ? come and dance on our floor ? ? come and dance on our floor ? ? take a step that is new ? ? take a step that is new ? ? we've a lovable space that needs your face ? 's company, too ? ? you'll see that life is a ball again ? ? laughter is callin' for you ? ? down at our rendezvous ? ? down at our rendezvous ? hi, jack. can i help? no, cindy, i'm doing fine. no! why would i think that? because i broke a plate this morning. two plates, but who's counting? do you mind if i watch? of course not, not at all. ( shouts ): don't move! oh, the cake. i'm sorry, jack. that's okay, no damage done. hmm, looks good. ( whirring ) ( screams ) oh, mother! oh, the cake! oh, jack, i'm sorry. i did it again, huh? sorry? for what? it shouldn't take me more than two, three hours to whip up another one. i'm sorry, jack. there, there, there, it's all right. i don't know what to say. take your time, it'll come. ( doorbell chimes ) i'm coming, coming, coming. jack, what took you so long? i was in the kitchen, i had my hands full. could you help me, please? oh, certainly, how silly of me. jack! jack! do i have to do everything? yes. ( grunts ) what happened here? uh, cindy was helping me. oh. you shouldn't be going why not? we wanted to. but a going-away party is crazy. u.c.l.a. is only ten minutes away. we know that. we just wanted to show how much we care for you. oh, that's so sweet. by the way, your share of the party comes to $19.95, no tax. jack! ( old man laughing ) ( laughter coming from box ) fooled you. what's that for? it's a laugh box. to liven up your party tonight. you'll need all the laughs you can get and this little baby is just the tip of the ice box. really? what else do we have to look forward to? oh, you'll see. i'm going to make darn sure cindy gets a great send-off. thank you, mr. furley. oh, did i hear right? you're going to be a veterinarian? i sure am. i grew up on a farm and i've always loved animals. oh, yeah, but that's kind of a tough job isn't it? i mean, for instance how are you going to treat a giraffe with laryngitis? ( giggling ) laryngitis... or an elephant with a runny nose. i don't believe this. love them. i'll use them at the party tonight. uh, mr. furley, excuse me. we were wondering, would you mind if we were a little late with the rent this month? mind? ( laughter ) i guess he would. jack: yeah. i'd better get going, too. where are you going? jack, we cannot pay the rent until we find another roommate. well, janet, i'm going to have to leave that up to you. l find someone terrific. after all, you picked me, didn't you? yeah, but i don't want to make the same mistake twice. isn't she cute? she got you there, jack. come on, so far you haven't even lifted a little finger to help me. janet, i've had a lot of responsibilities this week. oh, yeah, like refereeing that female mud-wrestling contest? it's a dirty job, but somebody has to do it. jack, come on, this isn't funny. somebody's coming over this morning em. okay, i just got to go downtown and see mr. angelino about that new job. jack, come on! janet, he's the boss. but don't worry, i'll be right back. you better be. janet, how many times have i ever let you down? i'll be back before you finish counting. excuse me. tripper, good. you wanted to see me? i've got this private party today and i want you to cook lunch for them. but, i thought you just wanted to talk to me? i just did. no, sir, i promised my... tripper! the only reason i'm giving you a second chance here is because i happen to have a reputation for being a very sensitive and forgiving person. so i'm sure you'll understand my problem. and i'm sure you'll understand my problem. that a boy! this shouldn't take very long. oh? felipe has the meat sauce for the spaghetti warming up. felipe? yes. you? ah, you remember tripper, here? good. because i'm giving him another chance. him? yes, i've hired him as our new chef. oh, what a wonderful choice! right, and i want you to help him with lunch. oh, it's going to be my pleasure. go to it, tripper! thank you, sir. ( grunts ) felipe? yes. good to see you again. oh, it's good to... ( choking ) felipe, would you mind making the vinaigrette salad dressing for me? oh, hey, anything you say, your magnificence. that's what i'm here for. felipe? digame, jefe. i know you've been working here for six years and you'd hoped you'd be a chef by now. well, you know what they say. the longer the wait, the sweeter the reward. well, that's... that's so true. and i just know we're going to work really well together. oh, i know we will, too. listen... the vinaigrette dressing? it would be my pleasure. it would be my privilege. ( gasps ) oh, it's too much tabasco sauce? you're not supposed to put tabasco sauce in the dressing! oh, you see, that explains why you are the great chef and i am your humble assistant. i better check on the bolognese sauce before we start making the pasta. oh, please, please, let me. it might be too hot for you. no! well, then, why would it be too... ( yelling ): hot! because you didn't have one of these. thank you! it's my pleasure. now, i'm going to make the pasta. felipe, do you mind if i show you my method of making pasta? oh, you would do that for me, your grace? you will be the teacher and i will be the student. thank you. now, watch carefully. you see, felipe, first of all round hill of flour. nice round. then what we do is hollow out the center. it's a good hole. thank you. felipe, i want you to begin adding the eggs slowly. yes. oh, i'm so nervous. just right in the center. you see, felipe by kneading the eggs in slowly and carefully brushing the surrounding mound of flour from the other flour i achieve an even mixture not too moist... felipe, take it easy. he wants eggs, i'll give him eggs. felipe, not so fast. so what? fast! okay! you got it! you got a shell in there. now, this is... felipe... well, how's everything going? what are you doing? making pasta. that's not how you make pasta! that's what i've been trying to tell him. what?! yes, you see, you make a nice, round hill of flour then you make a little hole in the center... felipe! he's right! listen to him! i don't know why you're bothering. we have a fresh supply of pasta on the top shelf. i thought you'd know your way around a kitchen better than this. wait, mr. angelino... you better shape up, tripper! is there anything else i can do to help? help?! you call what you've done "help"? first, you nearly poison me! and then you made me burn my hand... i don't want that! then you made mr. angelino furious at me! i just want you to do nothing, okay? you are mad at felipe. fel... ( screams ) would you keep that away! just keep away from me, would you? i'm going to cut up these mushrooms for the salad. i would be happy to help. no, i'll do it. do you mind? felipe, don't you have something to do? yes, of course we have. ( screams ) oh! me help, me help! boy, where is jack? he promised me he'd be here. trying to pack my suitcase. oh, well, get up, let me help you. get up. good heavens, did you have all these clothes when you moved in here? no, but you know how you pick things up as you go along. yeah... like my sweater. you said i could borrow anything i needed for my sorority party. remember? of course, i do. you look great in my sweater. and in my scarf? well, it looks so good with the sweater. you don't mind, do you janet? no, no, you'll look terrific. you know, janet... you're really special. oh, no i'm not. yes, you are. yes, i am. ( knocking on door ) i'll get the door, you finish that. oh, hi, lar, come on in. hi, janet. listen, about the party tonight. is it okay if i invite this lady i just met? larry, come on, didn't we agree with a little luck, she'll qualify tonight. larry! it's all right with me, janet. oh, bless you, cindy. by the way, cindy, i want you to know if there is anything you ever need, you know where to come. great. i need a ride to u.c.l.a. she doesn't waste any time, does she? if you see jack, tell him i'll bring some records tonight. sure, if he ever bothers to show up. so, you're studying to be a vet, huh? yup. your own cow? see you in a little bit. ( phone ringing ) hello. oh hi, mr. angelino. say, is jack still down there? what? jack's had an accident? where? uh, what hospital? uh, thank you, mr. angelino, i'm on my way. ( people talking ) i don't know how i can ever forgive myself. i mean... what if you can't cook no more? felipe. felipe, it's only a cut. if a chef can't handle a cut he can't cut it as a chef you know? oh! how we doing? oh, the pain. we'll get back to you as soon as we can. thank you, my lovely angel of mercy. jack: mercy! ( both whistling ) you said it. ow! who's next? uh, mr. bradley. that's me. would you follow me, please? nurse, my shoulder is killing me. we'll take care of that. i don't want you to worry. thank you. because what happened to my cousin... is not going to happen to you. of course not. what happened to your cousin? well... nothing, really. we was working in a kitchen, like you. and he cut his hand. in the same place? no! tijuana. oh, good. felipe, what happened to him? nothing, nothing. the finger got a little bits infected, then they... it's a long story, you don't want to know. yes, i do. no, you don't want to know. felipe, how did it turn out? oh, fine in the end. good. oh, the whole town turned out for the funeral. what?! oh, my god! wait! you can't go in there! nurse, nurse! what are you doing? this is an emergency! all our cases are emergencies. now, would you please go outside and wait your turn? no! what? you don't mind ow! oh, i'm sorry! nurse, what's going on here? it's this patient, doctor. he just barged in here. i'm in bad shape, doc. he cut his finger. and this patient? a possible separation of the gleno- humeral fossa. better get him to x-ray. and i'll take care of mr... tripper. tripper. yes, doctor. thank you. have a seat here, mr... tripper. tripper. let's have a look at this finger. mm-hmm. how bad is it? you've got a laceration of the middle phalanx. oh, my god! no medical terms give it to me straight, doc. i can take it. okay. you've got a little boo-boo. i knew... it doesn't look that bad at all. well, i knew it was just a small cut i just didn't want to take any chances with infection, you know. i just wanted that nurse to look at it i've seen bigger hearts in artichokes. i mean, she's got all the personality of a, a... wet sponge? no, that's giving her too much credit. hi! ah, nurse, you can take it from here. 250 units of tetanus immune globulin. yes, doctor. thank you, sir. thank you very much. ( metallic rattling ) what are you doing? ot. what about the doctor? he's already had his. are you ready? can we talk about this for just a second? oh, you aren't scared of a little shot, are you? scared, me? ( laughing ) no. i have this big game coming up this weekend on the beach. i don't want anything to interfere with that old tripper swing. oh, is that all? then, there's nothing to worry about. because that's not where i give the shot. you don't wind up sitting on the bench. would you drop your pants, please? drop my pants? i bet you say that to all the guys. ( both laughing ) drop 'em! no way. why not? because, b-because... i'm a woman. no, i wasn't going to say... and the idea of a woman seeing you without your clothes on embarrasses you. absolutely not. i know you're a professional and, and... you've done this a hundred times and you know what you're doing and... why can't he give the shot? because it's my job. excuse me. sir, may i speak to you for a second? of course. i know somebody in your position usually doesn't give shots but in this case could you make an exception? certainly. thank you very much. excuse me. you don't know how much this means to me. you see, nurse this may not be his job you know what i mean? i mean, he doesn't mind stooping to give a mere patient a shot. why should he? he stoops all the time. huh? he's the janitor. the janitor! i'll take over now. aw, come on, i've always wanted to do this. the needle. okay. i can't believe this you were going to let a janitor give me a shot? no, you were. what were you doing? watching you make a horse's... which reminds me, can we get on with this? absolutely not. see? you just can't handle the fact that i'm a woman. that's not true. i guess it doesn't embarrass you to stand there arguing with your pants down. i don't have my... i'm looking for jack tripper. oh, have a seat. he's in the examining room. how is he? very annoying. it's people like you who give nurses a bad name! jack? why are you here? mr. angelino called me. are you okay? i was up till a minute ago. what? no, i cut my finger but it's all right now. oh?! mr. angelino really had me worried. i got to get down to the restaurant. ind a new roommate. if i don't get back to work i'll get fired. ( laughing ) look, look, janet i'm sure whoever you pick will be fine. i got to go. jack! come on, felipe. that looks just like my cousin's bandage. come on! felipe! i'll see you at home. jack... ( groaning ) excuse me. where is the nearest pay phone? right around the corner. was that your husband? my husband?! no. that's a good thing. if he were, you'd never get him out of his clothes. you don't know jack. ( laughs ) have you got the wrong guy. ( laughs harder ) jack's the kind of guy... ( doorbell chimes ) no, no, just sit there and finish your tea. i'll be right back. hi, janet. hi, larry. what's doing? well... i know, this roommate business g the right person is a tough job. she's got to be serious, intelligent, dependable. what are you getting at, larry? hi. are you my new roommate? uh, didi, i thought i told you to wait outside. larry promised me a room with an ocean view. oh, he did, did he? ( larry laughs ) says the sea air would be ( inhales ) good for my lungs. ( inhales ) gee, this is swell. it's really going to help my singing career having a professional voice coach so nearby. you mean larry? ah. i help deserving talent whenever i can. larry, would you... shh! time to go up to my place and rest your voices. hurt me! hey, larry, who's the... later, buddy. 'bye. 'bye. where's larry going in such a hurry? never mind about larry listen, jack, i've got great news. i need great news. what a day! i know, but listen. we have a new roommate. we do? that's great. what's she like? oh, she's really sweet, just real nice. she's just the kind of girl you'd like to live with. we really hit it off. fantastic, i can't wait to meet her. you already have. what? hi, jack. hi. oh, no. no, no, no. no, no, no! no! no, no. ( blowing fanfare ) wow. all this just because i finished my invention for school? you shouldn't have. even though i did spend three weeks working on it not to mention missing the english patient on hbo 61 times. cool your jets, edison. the horns don't toot for you. this is for our cousin, larry. what did he invent? nothing. but cousin larry has come to expect some fanfare since he became an other realm emperor. he has his own country; i get dirty looks for taking up too much couch space. ah. here he comes. ( blowing fanfare ) zelda. what a delight. this must be sabrina. kiss my ring. but i hardly know it. ( chuckles )