[ music ] okay, now, folks. [ applause ] uh, our first guest came to us through the attention of a fella by the name of mark garrison who is a reporter in north carolina. And tonight, were gonna meet flat nose the tree climbing dog, but first we thought youd like to meet his owner. Please welcome barney odum. Barney. Barney, how are you . Im doing all right. I seen a lotta things. Saw a lotta things out here . I really enjoyed lookin at. Youre from the carolinas, are you . Because you said thang right off, right . Now, if you cant understand me, you let me know, and ill talk try to talk a little bit plainer. I understand you perfectly. I spent i spent a lot of time in the south when i was in the service. Ah. They speak a little bit different in carolina than they do in georgia, and it through the south. They speak a lot different down here than they do in dovesville. Thats your hometown, deauville . Dovesville, doves oh, excuse me dovesville. Dov yeah. [ laughter ] well get it. I just dont have your knack for that, barney. Is this your first trip to california . Yeah, first time i ever been on an airplane. Are you serious . Yeah, but i brought me two along in case i needed em, you know what im talking about . Really . Was it they had they had a show on that plane. I never would have believed that. A show . A floor show . I watched a movie. Oh, a movie on the way up here. The only thing i worried about it fallin, but i wouldnt ever knowed anything about it anyhow. Yeah. You worried about falling. So first airplane trip, huh . Yeah, first time i ever been on an airplane, but i enjoyed it. Re they treated you nice and everything . Yeah, they some good people in california. Yeah, you gonna spend a little time here with us, or are you gonna go right back . Well, were gonna leave and go back tomorrow. I got to get into that turkey, you know what im talking about . Yeah. [ laughter ] you lived in South Carolina all your life . Yeah, i lived out im a country boy. I lived there all my life. And youre married. Got a family out here i understand. Yeah, but i didnt wouldnt three times. [ laughter ] [ applause ] obviously you get all the latest news out there. Well, thats true, barney. Im sorry to say thats true. How bout you . Just one time . One time. How old were you . Did you get married when you were young . I dated my wife i dated about a year. Yeah. And she said, barney, will you marry me . I said, well, frankie, youre gonna have to give me a few years to think that thing over, you know what im talking about . Yeah. So we dated on about six months. She said, barney, if you dont marry me, imma quit datin you. You know i thought a lot of her. You know what . I love her, you know what im talking about . So i made a deal with her. I told her ill marry her and i been working ever since. Yeah. [ laughter ] mr. John, she fooled me, you know what . But i enjoy her, too. Shes all right. I love her, i do. Well, thats good. You sound like a real happy man. Yeah. You have children . You gonna get hitched up again . I dont know, barney. [ laughter ] if i can get the same deal if i can get the same deal you tried to get, yeah, i might. I got four children. I got four boys. I got one thats 25, i got one thats 24, i got one thats 23, and the youngest ones 17. You know people ask me why wait to name the last one barney, jr. The last ones barney, jr. . Yes, and i tell them, i dont know. And i be wondering about that, myself, you know what im saying . [ laughter ] [ applause ] if i were you, barney, i wouldnt press her for an answer. [ laughter ] yeah, okay she probably gonna kill me when i get home for tellin you that. Oh, no, no, i dont think so. But i know how to beg her, you know what im talkin about . Now what . Beg her. Yeah, for forgiveness . Yeah. If she get on me too hard, i know how to get out of it. Yeah. I been married 26 years. When you been married 26 years, you learn how to get out of stuff, you know . [ laughter ] you better have learned to get out of stuff. Yeah. You got a good attitude to marriage, barney. Now ill tell you what. Were gonna come back and, uh, bring your dog out here called flat nose. I have never seen a dog in my life climb a tree. They just do they . Well, uh, i got, uh, six of em. Six dogs. And i used to walk them around the woods, i reckon, about a mile around some woods. And i sic em through the woods, and flat nose dog went up on top of the pine tree. Yeah. I started to whip him about it. One day i was out in the yard, and flat nose went up a pine tree. I said, well, ill be dog g if old flat nose cant climb a tree. You know what im talking about . How did you give him how did you give him the name flat nose . Them children of mine named him that, when he was little, cause his nose was real flat. So hes called flat nose . Flat nose. Hes somethin, too. Well, i cant wait to see him. Will he now, i understand he did fine this afternoon in rehearsal. Yeah, he done a good job. Okay. Is this his first time on television . I guess maybe hes worked people been out to the house. Oh, they been out to the house. Yeah, pm magazine, channel 13, channel 3 out of charlotte. But this is the first time in the real big time, right . Yeah, this is the first time he ever been on anything like this here. Me, too. Oh, thats right. [ cheers and applause ] hey, mr. John. Yes, barney. I got six dogs. I got one named grisby. Grisby. Us and i got one named target. Target. cause he got a patch over his eye. I got one named peeper. Named him cause his eyes look funny. You know what im talking about . Yeah. I got one named little bit. Named her that cause shes real small. She weighs about 35 pounds. Then i named one george. I took when they were little puppies, i took em all up to the Country Store up there. The store. Named george up there, and one of em wet on him, so i so i told george im gonna name him that. You know what im talking about . Well, i think its a nice honor, yes. And there been a lotta people out there at that store, you know, they pick him out the crowd, that fella. Well, hes uglier than the bulldog. Okay, well, in just a moment, were gonna come back. Were gonna meet fl n were gonna have to take a break here, but were coming right back. Stay where you are. [ music ] okay, we are back. If you just tuned in, folks if you just tuned in, were about ready for the big moment. Were talking with barney odum from dovesville, right . Dovesville. Dovesville. Im getting that, barney. Now can you understand me . I understand you when you i knew you meant store. Yeah. And if youre driving your car, and you have a flat, you have to get a new tahr. Thats right. You dont get a tire, you get a new tahr at the sto. Thats right. Sure, i understand you completely i told you. I spent time down south. All right, are we ready now to bring flat nose out . Yeah. Okay, lets go over there and meet your dog. Come here, flat nose. [ indistinct chatter ] okay, flat nose is waiting. Come on. Get to know flat nose. Come here flat nose. [ applause ] hey, flat nose, how are you . What kind of a dog is he . Hes a pit and english bulldog. Now, i notice you have a little pillow or something tied up there. Yeah, hell go up there to that pillow and get it. I dont believe it. I dont believe it. Are we all set . Well, we gonna get a chance to see that fella kiss him before its over. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] see it, flat nose . Hey, hey, look, look. Hey, go get it, flat nose. Go get it, boy. Go get it, flat nose. Get up there, flat nose that fella gotta kiss you now. Get up there, flat nose. Go, go, go, flat nose. [ indistinct chatter ] [ cheers and applause ] [ indistinct chatter ] okay, now, hold it one second. Before we come back. Stay there a second, one second. Now youre gonna let him youre gonna let him go get the pillow . Yeah, then i wanna see that fella kiss him. Yeah, okay. [ laughter ] flat nose, hey, hey. Go get it, flat nose. Go get it, boy. Go get it, flat nose. Go, go, flat nose. Get up that there tree, flat nose. Go, flat nose. Go, flat nose. [ cheers and applause ] [ indistinct chatter ] doc, this is, uh id like you to meet [ cheers and applause ] doc, id like you to meet flat nose. You have any message for flat nose at all . I think flat nose is my date for tonight. Okay. Barney, its nice to meet you. Yeah, man. Thank you. Thanks for coming. Enjoy meetin you. Have a nice, safe trip back home, and thank you for bringing flat nose. Youre a nice man. That is something. And well be back. [ music ] all right, we are back. Well. [ cheers and applause ] this would normally be a tough spot for a comedian. You just followed. A crazy dog climbing a tree, but for George Carlin, this presents no problem at all. Hes one of the most inventive, funny guys in the business, and hes gonna be performing at caesars lake tahoe, on the 28th and 29th of this month. Would you welcome George Carlin . [ cheers and applause ] [ music ] hello, hello. How are you doing tonight . Nice to see you all. Hello, doctor. I went into the commissary. Uh, i ate at the commissary. You know, last time whatd i have last time . Was the, uh, breast of hyena, which was great. This time theyve got a new little gourmet section. I dont know if youre aware but theres a gourmet section, and the maitred ulrich was very nice. He gave me a little of everything. First i had the rack of weasel, very good. A piping hot bowl of wolf noodle soup. The loin of gopher was of course, stirfried mole, curried woodpecker, and topped it all off with some nice candied unicorn mcnuggets. [ laughter ] so they got me. Now im gonna be a regular regular patron. Of course, i dont have to remind you. Youve been told four or five times, and you probably knew this from your datebooks. Tomorrow is thanksgiving, and im happy because its a day that you really understand that youre living in the 20th century, cause turkeys all over america will baste themselves in ovens that will later clean themselves. [ laughter ] now, were not having turkey this year. Were a little tired of that. You get tired after a while, i think. Were, uh, were having seagull. [ laughter ] yeah, theyre a little fishy, you know, but you dont have to add salt, which makes em great. Weve experimented before. One year we had a stork, which was kinda nice, a hell of a noise. And then a couple years ago we were experimenting. We had common street pigeon. Unfortunately, three of the guests did pass away. So, im, uh, im anxious to get going here into my usual subjects, my little potpourri. I was a little late today. Sorry if i upset anybody here. I had an unusual incident in traffic. I either ran over a sheep. [ laughter ] and im not sure because i didnt stick around, you know. I just kept moving. Thats what you gotta do, by the way. If you have an Automobile Accident and you run someone over, just get the hell outta there. If you get outta your car, all youre gonna do is add to the confusion, you know. And theyre gonna wanna know your name and your address, or some wise guy goes, you got any insurance . You know. The hell out of there, because, uh, all youll do, like i say they got enough trouble without you stopping, you know . So head on out. Look at it this way. Hey, its none of your concern. [ laughter ] all right . Thats all you gotta remember. Thats right. [ applause ] you mind your own business in life, youll be okay. Which brings me it gets me philosophical, but the wisest man, the wisest man i ever met i never forgot, and although ii never forgot it, i never quite memorized it either, so what im. [ laughter ] i kind of left with having heard something that was really wise that i just cant remember, you know. You know what you never see . A japanese guy named biff. [ laughter ] at least i dont recall any. Also, you never hear of cancer of the heart. I know this is an unpleasant subject, but theres a lot of different kinds of cancers, and theres a lot of heart disease, and you never hear of cancer of the heart. One of those unusual things. Heres a fact that. [ laughter ] a lot of people havent thought of. Don ho don ho can sign autographs 3. 4 times faster than efrem zimbalist, jr. [ laughter ] you know that expression than the sword . I was thinking of that today. They oughta update that. I think they did one time during the second world war. The pen is mightier than the sword. I think the typewriter is mightier than the machine gun, but i think its time for, uh, the word processor is mightier than the particle beam weapon. [ laughter ] not all of these things are intended to be funny, by the way. [ laughter ] some of these are more, like, you think about them and drive home. Um. Let me ask you a question. If a real stupid person becomes senile, how do you know . [ laughter ] [ applause ] just. I had kind of an unusual problem lately. I mixed up the phone numbers for Schick Center for control of smoking with the evelyn woods Speed Reading course, and i now ive given up reading, but i can smoke a carton of cigarettes in ten minutes. You know, life is like the 5 and 10 cent store. You go in, you see something you want, you pay the clerk, they put it in the bag, and you take it home. Thats another one of those ones thats not intended to be funny. [ laughter ] its something you wanna think about later on. Hey, you know how you get rid of counterfeit money . Put it in the collection plate at church. [ laughter ] huh . Okay. Id like to do my impression cause i dont do many impressions. Ike of kirk douglas and Walter Brennan combined. Eeeeh [ laughter ] thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you, thank you. Its all right. You know what i say . If the shoe fits, get another one just like it. [ laughter ] id like to leave you with something intelligent, but unfortunately thats out of the question. Good night. Thank you very much. Some more, uh, some more pithy observations about the human condition. You do what you can. Which is a little sad lately. Were gonna take a commercial. Well come back and follow up on some other subjects of Material Interests or not. [ music ] all right, we are back. [ applause ] yeah. How are things in general . Pretty good. I feel great these days. Im showering with new zest, and i have none of that sticky film anymore. None of that sticky film. I went through my whole life with that sticky film. And i well, its just its good to be alive. Im into a new lifestyle which doesnt require my presence. Ah. So i can if i dont wanna, i dont have to get up at all, and i still get credit for a full day, so. Have you been hanging out with Shirley Maclaine at all . You know, its a cliche to use this phrase trying to find out who i was and where i was going, and to my great surprise, i found out that i was elizabeth newsteader, and i was going to medicine bull, wyoming, so i had to do something quick, and what im doing about it. Uh seek help, seek help. Next week, im going into the plastic surgeon. Im having my handwriting changed surgically. And all the values i figure, and all the autographs that you really, on the way home yeah, you have to. Yeah, i spent maybe after youre home on that one. [ laughter ] but ive been feeling perky and well, and my health is good again. Youve never had any problems, have you . Well, ive had a big heart attack. Outside of that, no. [ laughter ] that was some time ago. Yeah, that was going on five years now. Does that scare you . That scared me a lot, but i what i did was that was a dumb question. Of course it scared you. I stopped having them. I just [ overlapping chatter ] lately its Little Things im getting. Little things are bothering me. Like i had a ringing in my ear. I went to the doctor. They found a small bell. [ laughter ] the strangest thing. And i found out theres a theres a disease not a disease, its an ailment called objective its called tinnitus when you have theres a disease called objective tinnitus where other people can hear the ringing and you cant. Its kinda strange, but [ laughter ] also, they found a spot thank god it was mustard. And i this chair now this chair is not good for the back, cause im feeling it in my back. I got, uh you have a problem with your lower back . Well, not a bad i dont have a bad back, it just got in with the wrong company, you know . But years [ laughter ] but years ago, i was injured in a runaway barcalounger. By the time i got over that, i was traveling throughout new england, and i was beaten up [ laughter ] and theyre vicious because they very rarely get that kind of a feeling out. [ laughter ] my family is well, you know. Oh, are they really . Yeah, my family, my son you remember last time i was here i mentioned my son dartanian. Dartanian, yeah. That was a strange name to give a youngster. Well, i have a lotta people arent aware historically, its nice. Yeah, but hehes not a bad ill tell you, he was in trouble a couple of em are in trouble now, but ive got 11 sons. A lot of people are not aware of that. I didnt know you had that large of a family. I have 11 sons. I have ackbar. Ackbar. Ackbar, buzzy, sherlock, tonto, uh, nebuchadnezzar, pinocchio, mustafa, and ace. [ laughter ] oh, oh, and john. I named him when i was still doing a lotta drugs. [ laughter ] yeah. Ace. But my my favorite you know how you have a favorite . My favorite, i think, oh, i didnt mention mandrake. Right, mandrake. Hes, uh, hes not too, you know, swift. I think the cheese fell off his cracker a long time ago. Uh. [ laughter ] i get the feeling that mandrake peaked in kindergarten. But hes a good kid. He gets in trouble. Hes in trouble with the law again, unfortunately. Oh, no. They got him for, um, unlawful pruning of a cityowned tree. Its not serious, you know, but, um. What would possess a child to do this . I know hes older now. Hes 24. You go through that stage i suppose where you go around and get that pruning urge. Yeah. Its true. Its like going through puberty. Its going through pruning. Sowing your wild oats. Its similar. Uh, i laugh at this stuff because you have to. Or you dont get paid. Its true, its true. They take you away. Its a rule in showbusiness. He is its the pruning thing isnt hes had prior arrests. The same thing . No, no, no, uh, previously, uh, operating an illegal gymnasium. Which is all kind of an offbeat thing. Again, he got in with bad people. Yeah. And i cant think of the other thing. It was real bad, whatever it was. [ laughter ] yeah, itll come to me later. Just make something up. Can we get the dog out here . Sure. How are your investments going . You always have some new things that youre investing in. That guy, uh, my guys not much better than your bombastic bush plastic gongs, you know . Yeah, didnt go at all. Prescription toilet paper, we didnt make a nickel on that. I didnt even understand that one. No. And then he tried to get me into a professional javelin throwing franchise. You mean like team tennis, you mean . Yeah, similar. Indoor, uh, javelin throwing and stuff, and, uh its hard to turn out a crowd for that. It is. Well, see, its just new, pro the amateurs they come out for, but its pro now, and they cant i havent lost all my money. This is a new roach spray. It doesnt kill the roaches, but it fills them with self doubt. [ music ] ka have time for a thank you. Thank you, barney. I should menti