[ music ] okay, if you just joined us all right. My first guest. My first guest, of course, you all know. Hes a super talent, very. Sold over 50,000 records. Uh, has one out titled, simply, manilow. And as you probably know, he makes his acting debut in a tv film called copacabana, which is based of course on his 1978 hit single. Thats a movie featuring his music, which airs on, as i say another network, on december the third. Would you welcome please, [ cheering ] [ music ] there is somebody in this world somebody she was put on earth for me see im no exception i need real affection whats life worth living for if not to give it all ooh so im reaching out im in search of love ooh that im dreaming of i cant keep up no im reaching out im in search of love been on my own for long enough well im going crazy only you can save me from the tears and loneliness girl i must confess that day or nighttime there is no right time for a heart to be alone i just cant go on ooh so im reaching out im in search of love ooh i cant give up no im reaching out im in search of love been on my own for long enough [ music ] dont make me beg dont make me plead just go ahead and give me what i need cant you hear me calling out to you im reaching out im in search of love ooh youre everything that im dreaming of i cant give up no im reaching im searching im reaching out in search of love love love [ cheers and applause ] [ indistinct chatter ] thank you very much you got a nice crowd here. [ cheers and applause ] someday i hope i get a reception like that on a monologue. Thats dynamite stuff, really. Thanks. I do wanna thank our lighting crew has been in and our sound crew, and the stage crew setting up and everything. It looks wonderful on screen. It looks beautiful. And bobby did a beautiful job. Thank you, guys, all of ya. That was well done. [ applause ] let me do this first. Well be back. Stay where you are. Well be back. [ applause ] [ music ] okay, we are back. Okay. [ cheers and applause ] its been about 1415 months since youve been here. Right. You were starting on tour. And two days ago no, two days ago we ended the tour, so thats why i came back. We couldnt figure out any more places to play, so we came back. You say tomorrow youre leaving for japan . Yeah. Well, im, yes, im leaving for japan tomorrow. I just have a little tail end of this tour. Im just gonna do a couple tv shows. I just did a duet with one of the superstars in japan, the song i opened with. In japan, it comes out as a duet with a man named hideki saijo, so im going to sing it with him. Im surprised Julio Iglesias hasnt gotten to you yet. Really . Yeah, for a duet or something. Who knows. Lets talk about the television movie. Its interesting. Ive read reviews. Most of them have been very good, but you said that you thought that the critics, the television critics, were gonna trash it or something. Nobodys more surprised than i am to read yeah. Why did you feel that way . Well, you know, ive theyve sort of beat me up over the years, you know . So i not that any of us Pay Attention to it, but i just sort of expected it. Yeah. I sort of went, okay, im ready. Come on. And, you know, i opened the papers, and theyre really being real nice and very complimentary. Well, the movie is great, but i didnt think that i would you cut the hair short. I cut the hair short for the movie. Right. And i liked it. And i liked, so i let it [ cheers and applause ] made for television in many, many years. Not like this. This one is specifically made for tv, and its taken after those big hollywood extravaganzas like singing in the rain, and easter parade. But you know, the big miracle about this movie is we still did it in the time it takes to do a movie of the week, which is 22 days. Yeah, people forget that. Well, this was an amazing thing. This should have taken six months to a year, the kind of production numbe i look forward to it. Youve been youve been studying acting. Yeah . Yes, ive been studying acting. Were you comfortable the first day you shot it . Um. Well, i was comfortable acting, i just it was just quite amazing. Youre never prepared for the day they say, action. Yeah. And there are all the technicians around you, and extras, and they youre just you know, your heart is going that fast. But the first they dont do it in sequence. They dont film movies in sequence, which i always because the first day i had this nice little scene with lola, annette otoole, and then the next day they shot me. I die at the end of the movie. [ audience yelling ] its only a movie. So the hardest part was the first day and the second day. The first day was getting over the fright, and the second day was, um, was dying. I was dying all day tuesday. I know the feeling. [ laughter ] we all have those days. No, we can go ahead if youd like. The number, or this. Whatever you think. I dont know. You wanna get the commercial out of the way first . Why dont we do that, and then youre gonna do something from youre gonna do something from the tv dont pay no attention to that man at all. I have no idea who he is. Hes been sitting there for months, and i dont know who he is. Well do this and then well come back and do the number from the picture. There we are. [ cheers and applause ] great. Thats great. This, uh song youre gonna do is from the, uh is from copacabana. Its from the tv movie, copacabana. Yeah, its the song that, in the movie, tony, the character i play, he gets discovered. He gets his big break at the copacabana, and this is the song you play a kid from brooklyn . Yeah. You better. Yeah. Its all yours. [ cheers and ala [ music ] hey down there look at me now im flyin high here i am heaven knows how guess im just a lucky guy sweet heaven im in love again sweet heaven im in love again you came along now what can i do i only wanna be with you sweet heaven here i go again to toe again one minute im so lonely and then oh sweet heaven hey babe now that i found you lifes a song say babe where were you hiding ive been sweet heaven im in love again so totally in love again ill shout it everywhere i go ill sing it on the radio i want the whole world to know sweet heaven im in love again [ music ] sweet heaven im in love again sweet heaven im in love again you came along now what can i do i only wanna be with you sweet heaven here i go again im hooked from head one minute im so lonely and then oh heaven hey babe now that ive found you lifes a song say babe where were you hiding ive been waiting so long sweet heaven im in love again so totally in love again ill shout it everywhere i go ill sing it on the radio i want the whole world to know sweet heaven im in love again okay. Yeah. [ cheers and applause ] [ indistinct chatter ] great band, huh . [ cheers and applause ] youre right, thats yeah, youre right, thats right out of the ous thats showbusiness. Thats it. Which theres no business like. Yeah, thats right. Well do this, and then homer and jethro will join us. Stay where you are. [ laughter ] [ music ] [ cheers and applause ] on another network, and i want to take a minute before dan and chevy come out to plug something that i am involved with in a way, because my Production Company did it. On nbc this monday night, from 8 to 11, we did the john and yoko ono story, which is the story of john lennon and yoko ono. Its not so much the story, although theres a lot of great beatles music in it, it really has to do with their relationship, when they met in london, and their last 14 years together, and the actor who plays john lennon is remarkable. His name is mark mcgann, and some of the scenes, i ive seen some of the promos. Really eerie. Yeah, it is. The young lady who plays yoko is kim kim miyori. So, anyway, thats 8 00 on nbc monday night, and i were kinda proud of it, so we hope you watch it. Now, my next two guests, you all know. They were two of the original members of saturday night live, and theyre co starring in a new movie called spies like us. Theyre here to unashamedly plug it. [ laughter ] it opens across the country, this country, on friday december the sixth. Will you welcome in any order you like dan aykroyd [ music ] [ applause ] [ indistinct chatter ] welcome. How are you . Nice to see you. How are ya . [ cheers and applause ] we brought our fun bags today. Pay no attention to him. It is always nice to see in this cutthroat business called showbusiness theres no real competition. No, absolutely not. To see who gets to sit in this seat. And you won out. Well, im a little taller. A little taller. Well, heres this little problem, i didnt know whether to say chevy chase and dan aykroyd or dan aykroyd and chevy chase. Now, ive seen ads for the picture. If you read right to left, i get first billing. [ laughter ] thats right. In a yiddish newspaper, you would be it would be great. Yeah. Youll actually see my name first. How did that work out . You are on the lefthand side now. I think its just a reflection of the fact that im squatter. The fact that hes shorter, and im just a bigger name, i guess, really. Well, we defer we defer to this man. After all, he got me started, and, uh no, its whats this . Thats, uh, mature padding. You know, i had to go through this recently with a film im doing with steve martin next. With let me just talk about this. Go ahead, sir. In which in which my lawyer called me and said, steve wants to have first billing, and so they decided steve will be here, and youll be above, but on the right. And i said, well, i dont care. Thats fine. It makes and my lawyer said, well, look, if they dont care, why dont we just put your name there, and put his there . And i realized lawyers do this, and before you know it, steves gonna think that i asked for first billing, and im gonna think steve did. Nobody ever does that. Its the lawyers that do it. Its like a divorce. Yeah. Which i know youre familiar with. [ laughter ] i have lawyers i have lawyers living in the house full time downstairs on the intercom. I like to think that the title is the first billing, really, spies like us. Spies like us, very good. Sneaky, too, dan. [ laughter ] i like to, uh now, you guys work together. Are you good friends . Seriously. Yeah, we really are. You see each other socially . This is a terrific man. Well, he took care of me the whole the whole trip. We shot in the fjords yeah. And up in the down in camel breath, uh, morocco or wherever that was in the desert. [ laughter ] and he and donna, his wife, whos not a very nice looking girl [ laughter ] donna dixon. A regular ogre, too, i mean, yeah. They were like my parents because i didnt bring my family along. Theyre too young. Theyre very lovely people. Your young daughter donna, come out here. [ laughter ] donna is in this movie, is she not . From bosom buddies, the series that was on with Peter Scolari and tom hanks, she was a comedian, very in her own right there. And she is wonderful in the film, and is, in fact, chevys love interest, so i was away for coffee a lot during those scenes. But we didnt do anything, uh yeah. But ive kissed chevy, so i know it isnt anything too exciting. [ laughter ] dont fret their relationship. You told me before the show you werent feeling up to par today. Is that true . I just im better a little too much thanksgiving, and then a little too much youre welcomes. Just put this on. I dont wanna get any germs. What is this . I dont know. Look, i brought the fun bag today. [ laughter ] i wanna ask i wanna ask you a question. Have you guys seen the new saturday night live . Yeah. Yeah. Actually, i did one of em. What did you think of it . I thought mine was great. [ laughter ] [ applause ] no, and ill tell you something. In fact, its been ten years, Lorne Michaels back. It has the same edge to it, and all of those qualities, just a different cast. I think its not gonna be quite the same. What people have to remember, you know, when chevy left, we thought the shows gonna go downhill, and that was all over then belushi emerged, and after john you emerged. Yeah, and after john and i left, we figured you know, people figured, oh, its all over. Billy murray came out. After billy, eddie murphy came out. After eddie left, we had chris guest, joe piscopo, martin short who are they . [ laughter ] second city guys . Yeah, so you know, the its got a new lease on life. Its the new staff, and we have to support them. Yeah. Its americas serious guy here. Its amazing. Premiere sketch institution. Its the premiere institution for doing that type of scenes and the repertory has to grow. Lets talk about the film. What was the question i asked . I forgot. I dont remember. Freddyfreddy is going like this, which i assume means funny we have a as the guests normally want to do on this show, usually bring well did you bring one . Is the scene were gonna see in norway . Is it in morocco . Which one is it . This is a scene, i think training sequence. Is this training or exam . Training, training. Well, chevy and i in this movie play two guys who are buried in government service. Hes stuck in a stale cubicle over at the state department. Im in subsubbasement d25 at the pentagon where guys who have ambitions and dreams, who want to advance and were just stuck in bureaucracy, so we both walk in and write the examination, and we cheat on the exam and are picked for a horrible dirtbag intelligence mission. And here it is, the training sequence for all intelligence operatives. The clip is not as long as the setup, but here it is. This will verify your ability to stay afloat at high speeds. [ engine starting ] well now begin with afpsr, air force passive strain response. You will not be required to exert yourself at all, only to survive aggravated body temperature measurement. Woah ow, ow, ow hot, hot, hot we will now determine your gforce threshold. Just relax, gentlemen. Ue piece of cake. [ whirring ] [ whirring intensifies ] [ applause ] want some coffee . Thats a good idea. You should do that line again. [ applause ] i dont think the audience i dont think they heard that last line. What was the last . Lets do the last line. Ready . Uhhuh. Want some coffee . Want some coffee . Thats a good idea. Yeah, sounds like a good idea. Lets go. So, its a thinking mans comedy. Yes, i can see. Funny, funny clipsre yeah, it should be good. It should be good. We had a lot of fun doing it. John landis directed it. He brought us trading places and blues brothers, and so its an a product film. Theres no question about it. Ive done em a, ive done em b. This is an a. [ applause ] you guys get the same amount of money for this, when you do a picture like this . Well, uh, i think whatd you get . I, uh, i took my pay in jumpsuits. Ii look, i we both are yes, i know that. Highly underpaid. And were underpaid, yeah. Hows your baby . Six months old now . Now shes a year. Shes oh, no, shes not a year. Shes ten months. Mmhmm. Every ten months, she i go a year. You were telling me last time how bright she was at six months. That was shes amazing. Right now shes walking. Shes doing a modeling over at ford. [ laughing ] and she just finished a calculus course at the university of houston, texas. Shell be married next year to, uh, webster. [ laughter ] have you started looking around one of my writers, mike barry, has got a child, just put in kindergarten or preschool, and the child had to go audition or have a meeting to see if he or she could get into the school, because people want to get their children in early. Sometimes people before the kid is born now actually go to schools to see if their kid have you done this . Yeah, we have, actually. This is the technique, of course, in england. You know, eton and oxford, you register the child prebirth. Absolutely. What do you say . Uh, what do you think . Itd be a nice kid, huh . You have no children yet . Not as yet. I mean, as far as he knows. Maybe in the cards in a little while. Donna and i are, of course, very busy working on these thinking mans comedies. Of course. So, uh, but, you know, i think the gene structure is gonna hold up here. Well, we certainly hope so. The picture you referred to is spies spies like us. Espions commes nous in french. [ laughter ] nice to know. Well be right back. [ music ] [ applause ] all right. What a couch. Well, if you watch late night with David Letterman first the show, folks. Now the book. Yeah. On the show, and he is also responsible for a special, and were gonna hold him responsible for it, too. Its gonna air tomorrow night at 11 30, called David Lettermans holiday film festival. Would you welcome David Letterman . [ cheers and applause ] [ music ] [ indistinct chatter ] thank you very much. For america. Isnt it, though . Sorry. Stick around, boys. Were not gonna pay the band. [ laughter ] by golly, what a thrilling night for all of us. Oh, yeah, did you have a nice thanksgiving . Very nice, thank you. How about you . Im stuffed. You know, its tradition at our house every year we have the roast swan. Its great. The i love to see the kids fight over the neck. Its fun. [ laughter ] thank you very much for having me. Thanks for making room for me. Our pleasure. Good to see you, dave. Thanks. Nice to see you, chevy. You gotta run . [ laughter ] now you mentioned the book. Yes, i did. Lets dont beat it to death. Let me see the book. I was originally this was gonna turn out to be a really nice thing. Oh, by the way, can you see this . Take a look at all that color. Ooh. This, actually, johnny, should be on your coffee table. Its that quality. You know what they did . They printed 40,000 copies of this thing, and there are three pages of pictu without captions. Stooge press put this out. Its a division of goofball publishing, and, uh you know, even the lowest publication gets captions with the pictures. Hustler magazine has captions, you know . Of course. Here the twins show how they make friends in prison. Yeah, thats good, okay. Um. So we dont let me see that. I want to look at it. No, itll come back to haunt us all. I was looking at that book this afternoon and it was very amusing. Well, yeah, theres some funny stuff, but i just dont want to talk about it. Anyway, they screwed up if youve already bought the book, which seems unlikely, they got some kind of deal. You get a rebate. I dont know, or somebody will come to your home and read it to you. I dont know. Is this and expensive tome if i wish to purchase this . Its like 8 bucks, 9 bucks. We like to think of it as another tale of two cities, johnny. Good, good. But i dont want to talk about the book. [ laughter ] ive seen into the future of transportation. Ive peeked into the 21st century. Oh . I came out here two nights ago through the aviation miracle of the airbus. Thats right, the airbus. Now, this is a delightful airplane. It was designed and built by the french and the germans. Yes. And i think we all know what a loving and cooperative relationship those people have. Um. Its, uh, its called the airbus because one, it in fact looks like a bus. Yes. Two, it for sure smells like a bus. Now, hereheres the difference. The airbus is not quite does it have the strap handles, too . That kind of stuff, absolutely. Like, Ralph Kramden is flying in this thing. Is this a cheap oh, jesus, unbelievable, but its so slow. Like, if you fly on a regular plane, 747, new york to la. What, are we talking about, five and half . If youre late, maybe five 5 45 . Even six hours. The airbus, from new york to la, six hours and fortyfive minutes. Unbelievable, i mean, johnny, the whole trip, we were like this. Whats for fuel, just air . I dont know what it gets, but the motto of course for the airbus is of course, jet lags not a problem if you dont get there. [ laughter ] the wings. You can look out and the wings are flapping. Yeah, that kinda deal. Now, uh, youre saying to yourself, jeez, dave, this is fascinating, but who would fly the airbus . Yeah. And i looked around and my observation was they got a contract with the government for transfer of prisoners, one. Flying are people who cant afford trailways. And three, would be serial killers. Yeah, now so im sitting not a pleasant trip. No, im sitting next to the yammering psychopath, and the guy keeps dozing off on my shoulder, and he wakes up long enough to tell me that that very morning he had been released or paroled from prison. So im thinking, oh, boy. I can hardly wait. Seven hours on a plane with a guy who has a grudge against society. You know . [ laughter ] so now its dinnertime, and they bring around the airbus snack, and its sealed in a container like this. Its absolutely sealed, and you think, well, this will be nice. Like, i dont know, a day in the country. A little picnic. You pry it open with like a fire axe, and inside. [ laughter ] honest to god, they got like vanilla wafers and a container of hot mustard. Nice. Yeah, cause after all, it is the holidays. Thats right. So, now [ applause ] protein mass. Now. If this had been a fishing trip, youd call the captain and say, oh, im sorry. Somebody put the chum in here with my lunch. Not a pleasant trip. Im not done yet. Oh, i see. You wanna give me a nod when you are . Um i feel like george burns. So, uh, the plane was designed for people who dont fly much. Right. And, in fact, for people who dont even know where the airport is. So lavatory is occupied. You know, thats their way of saying, all right, we know the food is damn near inedible, but apparently it can be digested. [ laughter ] [ booing ] im getting close to booed there. Thats right. So you go into the lavatory, which, by the way, is sloped. The interior wall is sloped like the outside of the plane, so whatever you have to do in there is a hookshot. [ laughter ] thank you. [ laughter ] so, uh so . So you bring back the lid on the toilet, and theres a sign that says do not place metal or glass objects in the toilet. Yeah. Which always ruins the trip for me. I like to go up there [ laughter ] ill wash a load of dishes if i can. [ laughter ] [ indistinct chatter ] its a true story. Does that about wrap up the airbus . Were done with the airbus. [ applause ] now, we have we havent talked about this highly advertised special of yours tonight. You know, i just wanted to take a few minutes here, john, to talk about nbc. [ laughter ] first of all, this slogan. Originally it was be there. Nbc be there. Okay, they bring in a guy, the head of promotion here at nbc, paid him at least a half a million dollars. Thats the truth. He and another guy. He was making about a half a million. To lets all be there. Because hes thinking maybe theres some people in montana who are saying to themselves, when they see this promotion come on nbc, theyre saying, hmm, jeez, id like to watch, but are we included . [ laughter ] so lets all be there. No, nbc is looking for a very exclusive group of viewers. Not everyone is eligible. [ laughter ] so this guy changes it to lets all be there. The slogan really ought to be, when nbc wasnt doing that great, it was nbc were easy to spell. And i thought that was good. So that, now watch out, pbs. Were coming after you. Thats right. So what are we doing here . You better plug this special. Oh, i gotta get to the special. Yeah. Heres the deal. Six weeks ago, nbc comes up to me, they say, don, are you still with the network . I say, yes, i am. [ laughter ] and they said, we have we have an opening for a show november 30, 11 30. To do it. We did a show. We got a lotta people to make movies, and theyre gonna come and show their movies. It turned out pretty nicely. We shall return in just a moment. [ cheers and applause ] you finally did itand it was actually easy. Who would have thought . You did what dad taught you to do you took care of business. You made up your mind. Got it done. Thats how it feels to get guaranteed acceptance Life Insurance simple, affordable coverage for people age 50 to 75. Massmutual designed it to help cover expenses all of us leave behind funeral costs, medical bills, and other debts. How affordable is it . Rates can start at less than 10 a month, with your choice of convenient payment options. Policies range from 2,000 to 25,000, with your budget. 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Yeah, everybodys included, sure. That is tomorrow night. 11 30. Uh, bette midler, harry shearer, michael keaton, andrea martin. Lets all be there. And theyll be on the show. I hear its great stuff. Yeah, it turned out pretty nicely. Tomorrow. All right, thank you, chevy, dan, and barry. Thanks for being with us. Good night. . Come and knock on our door . . Come and knock on our door . . Weve been waitin for you . . Weve been waitin for you . . Where the kisses are hers and hers and his . . Threes company, too . . Come and dance on our floor . . Come and dance on our floor . . Take a step that is new . . Take a step that is new . . Weve a lovable space that needs your face . . Down at our rendezvous . . Down at our rendezvous . Hi, ace. I, uh. Look, if im interrupting anything here. Larry, what do you want . I can come back. Larry. Do you want to spend the evening no, thanks, pal. Id rather spend the evening with janet. Well, i understand. Some other time, perhaps. Just a minute, larry. What do you mean you understand . Hey, hey, hey, dont get upset. What two roommates do in the privacy of their own living room. Just because chrissy went to visit her parents doesnt mean that jack and i. Dont get so upset. Break it up, guys. I want to go to bed early oh, yeah, the diner. Hey, look, if i drop in one night and tell the maitre d that im a friend of the chefs you think i could get a nice table overlooking the garbage cans . Maybe it is only a diner but its going to be serving some very good food. The best. Ill tell you Something Else im going to add class to that place. Only if you shaved your legs. Oh, jack ill have a hamburger, french fries and a cheeseburger to go. Hamburger, fries, and a cheeseburger on a trip. Right. Ill have the blue plate special. One death wish. You got it. humming okay. Psheeoo okay. Mm, mm. Mm, mm. Hey, youre doing great, kid. You seem surprised. Well, it is your first day, and things get a little hectic. Well, dont worry about me. I cook very well under pressure. Really . As a pressure cooker. You see, cause im cooking and theres press. Its nuts. A sense of humor. I like that. Well. Oh, were going to get along just fine. Take that. Hi. Hi. Can i help you . Can i have orange juice, a sweet roll and coffee . You can have anything you want. Id like a doughnut and a cup of cof. Give me a chance, will you, buddy . Can i get you cream and sugar in your cafe . Franks and beans and shake and break a cowboy. Shake and break a cowboy . Western omelette. Oh, of course. Shell take your order. Excuse me for just a second. whistling franks and beans. Oh. Okay, yeah. Break and shake a cowboy. Were talking about breaking and. Why is it called breaking and shaking. . Oop. Oop. Sh, sh. Come here. Take that. Oh, excuse me. Sorry. Oh, here. Let me, uh, uh. Hahaha. Uh, mrs. Marconi. Yes, jack . I, uh. Young man. Yes . Do you have a diet special . Uh, diet special . Yes, we do. E two of them. And a chocolate milk shake. Two diet specials and a chocolate milk shake. Ham and eggs, over easy, whole wheat toast. Hey, wheres my hamburger . You lost a hamburger . I didnt get it yet. You didnt get the ham. Oh, well, i know where it is. Id like a bowl of chicken soup. A bowl of chicken soup. Uh, let me just get this out here. Lets see. The, uh, the beans and the franks. Okay, we have to hang on here for a second. Uh. Uh. Oh. And the, uh, dogs. The dogs. Come on, dogs. Get along, little doggie. Is that right . Okay. Whoo uh. Ill take that, jack. Hey, you know what . Youre doing fine. Oh, thank you, mrs. Marconi. Whoo Whoo Whoo sorry about that. Hot stuff. Thank you. Youre. Im right on it. Bawk get it . Here we go a Little Chicken soupamente. Okay, now, lets see. Oh. Hey, whats the matter with you . I just wanted to make sure this was the right soup. Chicken, right . Yeah. Ooh mrs. Marconi. She couldnt keep her hands off me. Oh, jack, you say that about every girl. This was not a girl. I was working for an octopus. Janet, every time i turned around there she was hitting on me squeezing this, grabbing that. Grabbing what . Where do you usually get pinched . Oh oh hey, youre really upset about this, arent you . Upset . Or because im so black and blue i can hardly sit down . Why would i be upset . im glad youre not upset. knocking come in hi, jack. Hiya, larry how did things go on your new job . Cant you tell . Terrible. His boss kept hitting on him. Thats disgusting. I hope you didnt let him get away with it. Its not a him. Oh. What are you complaining about . Would you like to see . Dont look, larry. His little bottom is all black and blue. How do you know . He told me. You know, janet you wouldnt think it was so funny if your boss hit on you. Thats what i keep telling him. Listen, jack, the next time she tries something all you got to do is tell her youre not that sort of guy. Its not his heart shes pinching. Oh, you two are a big help. Forget it. Ill take care of it myself. How . How . Well, ill just handle it my own way. What are you going to do, jack, turn the other cheek . Uh, good night. Thank you for coming. All right, bye. gasps my, youre jumpy today. Really . I wonder why. Well, here i am. Huh . You said you wanted to talk to me. I did . Oh. Yeah, i did. Mrs. Marconi, why dont we go sit down over here . Sure, jack. Now, whats the problem . I dont like being touched when im working. Ititit makes. Itititit makes me nervous. But youre not working now. Well, uh. Excuse me. It still makes me nervous. Mrs. Marconi, i like to do my job, nothing else. If im nervous, i wont be doing a good job which isnt fair to you. I mean, if im always looking behind me i cant see whats in front of me. Iii just cant work that way, thats all. Of course i understand. You do . I understand completely. And youre fired. Next thing i know, she fired me. Boy, thats awful. You should have kept your mouth shut. Come on, larry. How would you like it if some woman was following you around all the time grabbing you everywhere look who im asking. Larrys right, you know. It was a mistake to say anything. It was a mistake for her to fire you. Its against the law. To fire a cook . No. Its against the law to fire someone who doesnt want to play games if you know what i mean. Larry, who told you that . My secretary. I mean, uh. No, i just. I heard it through another salesman. Ing and i. Thanks for the coffee. Well, what do you know . Larry has finally said something that makes sense. I should have kept my mouth shut. No, jack. Come on. This is a clearcut case of sexual harassment. You could take your boss to court and get your job back. Janet, just forget about it. Okay . What happened to me was very, very embarrassing. Id just as soon not have the whole world know about it. Its too late. You already told larry. Are you kidding . Say anything. doorbell rings jack, you cant let her get away with a thing like that. Hi. Jack, that woman had no right to treat you like a sex object. Sex object . Mmhmm. She only had you around for one reason only so why dont you make her pay for it . Whats this . Some womans going to pay jack . You got to be kidding. Mr. Furley. Whats she going to pay him with . Fairy dust . Mr. Furley, did you want something . Oh, i just found out about jack losing his job and i. Where did you hear that . Larry just told me. Shut up. If theres anything i can do. You can help me convince jack to take his boss to court. To court . Why . To fight for his rights. The only reason she fired him was because he told her youre kidding. No, the woman was all over me. Gee, how awful. So, you can see, mr. Furley this is a clearcut case of sexual harassment. Are you sure . Of course im sure. Didnt you hear what we said . Are you sure its harassment . Yes. And not harassment . What . Some people say harassment and some people say harassment. E does it make . It makes a lot of difference. If it ever happens to me, ill know how to pronounce it. Would you mind terribly if we got back to discussing jacks problem . I thought thats what we were doing. Oh forget it, okay . Im not going to court. Im not about to make a fool of myself. Jack, come on. Better a fool than a coward. Whats that supposed to mean . You sound like all those women whove been attacked jack, you have to stop her before she does this to somebody else. If she pulled this with a guy like you could you imagine what shed do with a regular guy like me . Anyway, jack, you could get an attorney from county Legal Assistance and it wouldnt even cost you a cent. Janet, for the last time, no. No lawyers, no courts, no nothing. Think it over. Ive thought it over wait a minute ght. After all, its his decision. Thats right. If he doesnt want to go to court thats his privilege. If he doesnt think his job is worth fighting for thats his right, too. Its a free country. But this apartment isnt. And if you dont have the rent by tuesday im taking you to court so thats why i thought id talk to a lawyer, mr. Higgins. I think youve got a case. Yeah, well take it. I hate to ask you again but are you sure it wont cost me anything . Not a cent. Boy, i sure hope i dont get my moneys worth. Oh, forget it. Higgins, i just wanted to ask you. Oh. Jack, this is my boss. Ms. Callahan, this is jack tripper. Tripper. That sex case. Oh, higgins, thats just what i wanted to see you about. I intend to take this case myself. Now, be a good boy and tell my secretary . Right. Will you give her this folder, please . Oh. Right. Nice talking to you, mr. Higgins. Good luck. Thanks. Well. Oh, sit down, mr. Tripper. Well, it began the first day i. I started work at the diner. She started undressing me with her eyes. The way she looked at me. Yeah, just like that. You got it down pat. Poor, poor man. Ill tell you, its been rough. I have a good idea. Why dont you and i go and discuss your case over lunch. I know a wonderful little restaurant yelling counsel for the complainant, you may call your first witness. Thank you. If it pleases your honor i would like to call mr. Jack tripper to the stand. I thought jack was being handled oh, your excellency, im. Im. Im. Raise your right hand. Do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth . Yesm. You may sit down. Now, mr. Tripper would you like to tell us what happened on the 10th of june . No. It. Its just so terribly personal. I know this is embarrassing but would you please answer the question . Okay. It was the first day i started work and i knew. Would you speak up a little, please . It was my first day at work. Louder okay, it was. It was my first day at work and every time my boss came near me did the defendant grab you . All over. All over . Yeah. Behind the counter in the storeroom, by the front door. Once by the grill where i was cooking hamburgers. I almost burned my buns. Mr. Tripper, did you at any time let your employer know how you felt about her sexual advances . Yes, sir, i did. That. Thats when she fired me. You mean she fired you when all you did was object to being pinched and grabbed and caressed . In other words, you lost your job when you let her know you were unwilling to submit to this sexual harassment. Overruled. Objection. I have no further questions. Oh, bless you. Just a moment. I have a question, if you dont mind. No, sir. Yes, sir. Isnt it true my client fired you because she wasnt jack never even touched her gavel banging judge order didnt you drop a bowl of hot soup in a customers lap . Didnt you nearly set fire to the diner . Yeah, but. Can you deny youre making up this whole wild story just to cover up your own incompetence . No. I mean, yes. Janet thats a lie jack would never make up a story like that. Hes much too sweet and innocent and hes very shy. You seem very concerned about this witness. Oh, i ought to be. Weve been living together for four years. You have . Please, your honor shes just trying to help. I hope you dont get the wrong idea about what she said. Just because he lives with two girls doesnt mean anything wrong is going on. Two girls . Yeah, two girls. No, i know what youre thinking, your honor, but. As a matter of fact, everyone thinks that jack is. Your honor, could you please denied. For dismissal. Mr. Trippers personal life does not concern us here. The only issue we have today is the complainants charge of sexual harassment. Now id like to ask you something, mr. Tripper. Oh. Yes, maam. Mr. Tripper, can you tell me if at. Thats a very nice cologne youre wearing. Whats it called . Uh. Mating call, i believe. Mating call, hmm . How quaint. Well, im glad you like it. Do you always wear your shirt open like that . Huh . Oh. Uh. And those trousers. Arent they rather tight . Tight . You think they turn women on . You think they make you irresistible, dont you . Irresistible . Yes. You are all alike. Sauntering around town with those tight trousers and those open shirts, reeking of animal musk flaunting yourself in public and when some poor woman makes the slightest response you act surprised. Reeking . Youre just asking for it and you put on some decent clothes case dismissed. Just a minute, here just a. Hold it i cant believe my ears i cant believe my eyes youve got jack here figured out all wrong. Dont you worry. Ill get her to change her decision. Thanks, mr. Furley. How you going to do that . Let me handle it. Your honor, theres been a great miscarriage of justice here. I beg your pardon . Shh go on, mr. Furley. Just look at him. Cant you tell hes innocent . You dont accuse a man of hitandrun whos never even driven a car. What are you talking about . Im talking about, you know your problem. Oh, no, no, no. Now relax, jack. Im going to win your case for you. If youre trying to mislead this court you have another thing coming to you. I know a womanchasing playboy when i see one. Well, yes, i do have my reputation about jack here. I tell you, your honor, believe me jack could never lead a woman on because hes. Roper . I win, i win you want to count that . Roper, what do you think youre doing . Dont get nervous brooks im just im just teaching david how to pitch pennies. Oh, is that all . And this morning, he taught me how to shoot craps. In the house see you later, mr. Roper. See you david , oh brooks what . What . Well if you hadnt come out the door and told me just as i was about to oh ann okay upstairs and wash your hands. Up, up, up. What is it . Hes a menace ann, weve got to get rid of him. David . Roper. Pitching pennies, shooting craps, the next thing you know hell be betting on the horses. Hes at a very david. Ann, i dont like the idea of our son learning those things from stanley roper. Youre right, a boy should learn those things from his father. Thats right no ann, this is serious, that man is always around, every time i open the door hes there, like smog. Anyway, i thought he was supposed to get a job. David . Roper, would you be serious. Hard time finding the kind of work that would suit him. Im not surprised, theres not much of a call for zombies. Jeffrey, couldnt you find something for him at your real estate office. Yes i can, a home about 100 miles away from here. You did say you were understaffed. Oh ann, he has no experience, no references, no qualifications, he has no charm, no personality. Hes a properly, he scratches himself, hes lazy, shiftless, unpunctual and unemployed. You dont like him do you . I didnt say that. Well, as long as mr. Ropers not working, david will always have someone to play with. But then again, how important are qualifications, personality, references. Good, then youll find him a job. David a chance for a a normal childhood. Ill get on it first thing in the morning. Can i go see the lady wrestlers with mr. Roper . Ill get on it right away. Stanley, are you drinking beer in the can again . No, im drinking it right something to keep us fit. Why . Stanley, its time we got some exercise. You know, at our age the body begins to rundown. My body isnt run down. I know, it never got wound up. Look look at these stanley stanley, you left before i was finished. Youre making a habit of doing that. On. No, dont dont turn on the tv. What . All you do is watch Television Hour after hour. Are you kidding, i read the paper too. Only to see whats on television. Look stanley i got i got these for us and i want you to use them. What for . The only way to keep the body firm is to exercise it. I know you dont, thats why i got you these. Its a waste of money, my body is in great shape right now. Here. [doorbell ringing] oww, oww, oww oh, mr. Brooks. Oh mrs. Roper, is everything all right . Oh yeah, yeah, that that was just the dumbbell. Oh, i thought it might be. Could i speak with him . Thank you. Ah roper what do you want . Well, business is booming down at the office and im looking for a man to assist me on the sales staff. I dont know anybody offhand, but ill keep my eyes open. Stanley, you dont understand, hes offering you a job. Oh, a very important job in real estate. Oh yeah . Oh yes, putting out for sale signs and actually placing flags in front of the open know he can. Just a minute, do i look like a slob who washes windows . Youve got a lot of nerve brooks, coming in here with your nose in the air, looking down at us, embarrassing poor helen here, what . Insulting helen by offering her husband a degrading job, you should be ashamed of yourself. Stanley, why are you doing this . Dont mind well, all right, if you can afford to turn away good money. But fair warning, youre not getting one more cent from david. Oh stanley, ive never been so ashamed in my life. Me too, the nerve of that guy. Im talking about you. Do you think im going to accept the first thing that comes along and then live to regret it . Look stanley, if you dont get a job, were going to use up all the money we got from selling the Apartment Building and then whatll we do . [doorbell ringing] well sell this house, and then live off the money from that. Oh ethel helen hubert. Helen. Stanley, my sisters here. Curtsy . Oh, thats a pretty caftan. Oh thank you. My maid has one just like it. We were in the neighborhood and well, we couldnt leave without stopping to say hello. Why not . We just got back from Lake Arrowhead and you will never guess what we bought. Lake arrowhead . Close. A cute little vacation we hope youll drop in. Would you like to sit down . Let me hang your coat up dear. No, not yet. What can stanley get you to drink . Oh, i would love a tequila sunrise. I drank nothing else when we were in barbados last month. Yost were wearing that thing. Oh you noticed. Can i hang it up now . In a moment. Its sable. I know, stanley has a paintbrush just like it. Tequila sunrise, whats in that . Tequila. Orange juice, triple oh stanley, the ingredients are right there, right under your nose. Grenadine, triple sec oh, honestly. Dont go putting on airs ethel, you know perfectly well they havent got two krugerrands to rub together. I dont know what youre talking about. There, you see, right there on the lower shelf. Helen, i was just telling hubert, you and stanley must go to barbados on your vacation, unless youve made other plans. Yeah, well well wed really had sort of planned on sort of staying home this year. We enjoy it. You must, you stayed home last year and the year before that ethel, cut it out. Dont forget ethel, im not the president of my own company like hubert here. Helen and i lead a life that is simple, modest and homely. Oh god. Good lord, what is this . I didnt have any tequila so i had to use beer. Of all the stupid things the mans not a bartender ethel, it was a natural mistake. No wonder he cant find a job. Oh, for heaven sakes ethel, if the right opportunity comes along im sure stanley will snap at it. Thats right and whos going to give him this big break . I am. Thats right what . Youre coming into the meatpacking business with me, stan. He isnt. He is. He is . What whats he like to work for . Hes very nice, flowers on your birthday or chocolates, sometimes he takes you out for dinner. Id like that. Are you his secretary . Im one of them, he has another one who does the typing and filing and things like that. What do you do . I mean her office. Would you like some coffee . Id like a couple a cup of coffee. Want to send those bank for those who want to travel first class. Lah di dah. Good morning stanley. Oh, i like your chair. I think youll like this one even better. Helen just called, shes inviting us over for dinner tonight. You and me . Ethel and me. Thats her way ay you, my stomach said youre welcome for a week. Well, i suppose youre anxious to get started. On what . Oh oh the job. I i like my workers to wear coveralls. And you want me to tell them . Dont bother. Let me see i would be as good a place for you to start as any. Sorting department, that sounds interesting. Oh it is, youll be separating livers, spleens, hearts, lungs, various organs. I dont think i can do that. Not at first, but its easy to pick up. I mean i mean my back and all. Besides, helen and me, we dont need that much money. I thought you and helen no, you need the money, i mean your fancy cars and and weekends and acapulco, things like that. What . But helen and me, we dont live like that. Stanley that was private. Yeah, until ethel start blabbing at dinner tonight. B b believe me, she wont say a word about it. Well, thatll be a first. Id appreciate it if if you didnt mention it either. Why . Well to tell you the truth, well, of course its strictly a business trip but ethel just wouldnt believe that. You wear a purse . My secretary bought it. And she let you use it . Its an executive purse. Coffee. I made one for you too, hubie. Thank you, miss cooper. Who . Oh i get it. Oh, by the way hubie, ill be leaving a little early for lunch today fine. So i can pick up some new luggage. A business trip, huh hubie . Thats right. Well dont you worry about a thing, i wont say a word. Thank you. Is that you stanley . Is that you helen . What are you doing here . I live here remember. No, i mean what you doing home so early. Oh well well that thing didnt work out as planned. Whats that . Whats what . I mean i couldnt hear what you said before. Then were even, i never talked to a foot before. This is this isd circulation. Thats true, the blood went right to your eyes. What did you say about your job . I didnt get it. But hubert promised. Well hubert doesnt have the last word. You mean ethel turned you down . Not ethel, the union, the union wouldnt let him hire me. They said it was some sort of technical problem. Oh stanley, how could you . Me . Every time i think something and have a technical problem. I cant tell you how sorry i am, i had no idea it would be such a problem hiring stanley. Oh, we were so disappointed. Yeah, i think ill borrow some ice happy days are here again, the skies above are clear again his disappointment. Its a habit he picked up from me. David, how about a game of checkers before dinner . No thank you. Say you you werent you werent chewing on that pillow were you, because you look a feeling well . Hes fine, hes been doing his homework all afternoon. Homework, thats wonderful. [doorbell ringing] you see, you see what happens when ropers not around. Ahh roper, back from the long days toil . What . Come in, come in. I need some ice. Of course you do, a man needs a cold refreshing drink after a tell him how good he looks. How did the job go . Oh that, i didnt take it. What did you say . I didnt take the job, you see what of course i see, why work when you can sponge off your neighbor. Grow your own ice. Jeffrey get the ice. There, try some of this be green . Oh yeah, stanley likes ketchup in it. Hubert, what is this . Huh . Firstclass Airline Tickets and Hotel Accommodations for acapulco . Huh . Hubert it. What have i spoiled . My surprise for for stanley and and and helen, you know to make up for the job. I i i thought it would be a very nice gesture from you and me, a nice charitable gesture. Charity from me to helen . I like it. But why is the room booked in our name, mr. And mrs. Armbruster . Remind me to never use him again. Oh helen ethel has something to give you. Yes, a little surprise, i was just telling hubert youve been looking so tired and drawn lately, and well, since you cant afford a decent vacation, here. Acapulco . A holiday for two oh thank you, thank you. That brooks, whenever he lends you something he acts like hes doing you a favor. Stanley stanley look. I never saw this before in my life. Of course you havent, not going to acapulco with your what kind of a deal . Never mind helen, i think hes upset. Upset, ill show you upset. No, i said i want to know what kind of a deal i promised i wouldnt give stanley a job and he promised we know what he promised. Let me at him hubert stay oh stanley, how could you you lied to me about that job now theres no vacation, no anything except any time together . Oh, i dont know, i guess since we were little girls at summer camp. Oh yes, we had a wonderful time, remember. You set fire to my braids. And well have even more fun this time in acapulco. Well, why not, im sure our husbands wouldnt object. Of course i object me too unless theyd like us to stay here and remind them of of how they tried to trick us. Remind them every hour, on the hour. Could you pick up a little ethel helen ill host an eye on sorcery special on the upcoming Witches Council elections. Richard langston is my favorite anchorman on the witch channel. Hes so trustworthy. This just in from the department of health, education and magic hes a freerange anchorman. There have been confirmed reports of a finger flu epidemic. The flu, which affects your pointing finger, can be contagious. So be sure to bundle up those fingers. Did you guys look outside this morning . Its so sunny, its almost like spring. And youre wearing a very nice spring outfit. Only thing missing is. Mittens . The last time i wore mittens everybody teased me. Almost ruined kindergarten. Theres a finger flu alert. As a young witch, youre highly susceptible to it. Okay, i know you guys mean well but whats worse than wearing mittens in school