And featuring the legendary roots crew. Questlove ah yeah. Steve and now, here he is, jimmy fallon . . . . [ cheers and applause ] jimmy hi, guys. Thank you. . . . . Come on thats what im talking about [ cheers and applause ] now its a good show tonight. Oh, yeah. Welcome, everybody, welcome to the tonight show this is it. [ cheers and applause ] welcome, everybody. Well, heres what everyone is talking about. Of course its the olympics. We are now only two days from which means in just two days people will go from knowing nothing about the olympics to saying, how the hell did he mess up a round off backhand spring . [ light laughter ] [ applause ] how do you know . I actually read that a north korean gymnast may be the first female gymnast ever to attempt an incredibly difficult move that involves a triple twisting vault. When asked if shes done it before she said, how do you think i escaped from north korea . [ laughter and applause ] you can tell this gymnast really is from north korea cause shes the only athlete to show up in rio and go, this is nice. [ laughter and applause ] and get this, i saw that the slogan for the 2016 rio olympics is live your passion. Good slogan. Its not the first one they came up with. They almost went with come for the competition, stay because youve been quarantined. [ laughter and applause ] and thats not as catchy. Steve not as catchy. Jimmy not as catchy as the other one. Yeah, the other ones steve the other ones more jimmy the other ones better i think. Ryan lochte actually dyed his hair light blue for the rio summer olympics. He didnt do it on purpose. He just took a shower in rio and came out that way. [ light laughter ] [ applause ] this is pretty incredible. The youngest athlete competing at the rio olympics is a a 13yearold swimmer representing nepal. Shes the only olympian whose mom still puts sunscreen on her before she gets in the pool. [ laughter and applause ] let me do your face. Thats rig youngest athlete at the olympics. Although, that could change cause not all the chinese gymnasts have been born yet. [ laughter ] of course the other big competition going on right now is bachelor in paradise. Which premieres [ cheers and applause ] i love it. I dont know why. I love it, i love it. It premiered last night on abc. And one of the contestants is this guy daniel who was just on the last season of the bachelorette. See if hes doing any better on this show. Cant get rid of me. Im like a disease that just wont go away, you know, like herpes or something. I dont know if i want to be associated with herpes, but you know, its treatable nowadays so its not a big deal, right . [ laughter ] steve what . Jimmy what is going on . In fairness, the name of that show probably should be herpes in paradise. [ laughter and applause ] who am i to say . But things seem like they might be going a little better for daniel once he actually met some of the women staying in the house. Check it out. I hope that we can have like a good talk and like see where it goes. How old are you . I am 25. 27. 23. 25. 21. No, you look like youre 21. I am 25. 21 . Yep. Jimmy 21 . 23 . 21 . Have i said herpes yet . This one guy who is never at a a loss for words and that is donald trump. It seems like he is fighting with everyone this week. On monday trump took a shot at the New York Times saying quote, they dont write good. [ laughter ] when told that was grammatically incorrect, trump said, excuse me. They dont write goodly. [ laughter and applause ] better. Better. Heres a Little Health news. I read that research from the is effective. When they heard that, most americans were like, oh, good, now i can finally stop flossing. I floss all the time. Finally, i thought this was pretty incredible. Apparently a zappos employee recently set the record for the companys longest Customer Service call which lasted for 10 hours and 43 minutes. The employees name was Steven Weinstein and he said that he felt an instant well, they still never met in person until today. Thats right. We flew them both to new york to meet each other and we filmed the entire thing. It was just amazing. Take a look at what happened. Im excited. I am nervous. I dont know. This is crazy. . Theres no love like your love and no other could give more love . Here are your shoes. Thanks. [ laughter and applause ] jimmy beautiful. We have a great show, everybody. Give it up for the roots [ cheers and applause ] . . . . [ cheers and applause ] jimmy oh, my goodness that is how you do it that is our pal, chad smith, of the Red Hot Chili Peppers [ cheers and applause ] sitting in with the roots. I love you i love you, buddy. Congrats on the new record. And the single dark necessities just became their 13th number one song, congratulations buddy. Thank you. Jimmy youre the best. [ cheers and applause ] thank you so much. Jimmy its a great record. Look at these guys. Still doing it up. Come on, just having fun. Thats what its all about. Produced by danger mouse, too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jimmy good stuff, man. Congratulations. Welcome back. Thank you. Jimmy dont ever leave. Okay. [ laughter ] jimmy thanks. I appreciate it, man. Guys, this has been a great week so far. Theres more ahead. Tomorrow night miles teller steve flip and slip. Jimmy flip and slip. Plus steven tyler will be performing for us. [ cheers and applause ] then on friday, this is a a big right after the olympic opening ceremony, weve got an exciting show planned. He is one of our favorites, Jerry Seinfeld will be here steve whoa. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy plus plus seth rogen will be dropping by and seth rogen and i are going to have a lip sync battle. [ cheers and applause ] and we have great c steve hey jimmy its gonna be a big show friday. But first, we have a fun show tonight. This guy is the best. Hes the Emmy Award Nominated creator and star of the Netflix Series master of none aziz ansari is here. [ cheers and applause ] thats a great show. A fantastic show. Deserves all the awards. Later in the show, aziz and i are going to read some embarrassing first text message exchanges, in something we call, first textual experience. Series roadies, the lovely carla gugino is stopping by. Carla gugino. And we have great standup from a comedian. Jeff dye is here tonight. Hes very funny. [ cheers and applause ] very funny human. Guys, one of my favorite things about the internet is going on youtube and discovering something totally new, something ive never seen before. Theres so much creativity out there. Thats why we wanted to find a a way to showcase some of the be think that you should know about. So, tonight we have a video from Youtube Channel called you suck at cooking. [ laughter ] have you seen them yet . Its an instructional cooking video. Theyre really funny. Now we think its really funny. So please enjoy the World Premiere of 10 more ways to chop an onion. In the first installment of, tonight show youtube premiere. [ cheers and applause ] . Tonight show youtube premiere . Yeah you totally suck . The first method involves hitting your onion firmly with your knife around the outside to loosen up the insides. Then slice it open. Its not perfect but itll get you most of the way there. If you have a balsa wood cutting board, its not very dense so you can place your onion underneath it then push until it comes through. And dont forget to clean up the onion skin after. If you have any professional wrestling experience you can drop a flying elbow from the top rope. This method is called the edward scissor hands or the its just like playing a piano, except it sounds better than when you play piano. You can also do the wolverine. You can hack the onion apart. You just need a computer, a a standard rca cable, bypass the main frame and access granted. You can sneak up behind him it and scare it. Roar [ light laughter ] its okay. Its just me. . You suck at cooking oh, my gosh you suck . [ cheers and applause ] to see more of this videos check out the Youtube Channel, you suck at cooking. [ cheers and applause ] stick around. Well be right back with aziz ansari, everybody [ cheers and applause ] . . Whats up schumer . Okay, i got roped into spending the day with my sisters kids makes farting noise and they like keep talking about back to School Shopping . Back to school is like our red carpet. They have like the coolest back to School Clothes up to 60 off. Its what we all wear. And they have jeans starting at like 10 bucks. Noice dont say noice. Sounds stank no. Stop. Okay. Um. Guess what were going to old navy. Whos excited . Its a golden opportunity, to discover the power of the human hand. . For a limited time get some of the best offers of the year on our most refined vehicles. At the lexus golden opportunity sales event. . . Jimmy our first guest is a a hilarious comedian, the author of the New York Times bestseller modern romance and the Emmy Award Nominated creator and star of the Netflix Series master of none. The first season is available now. Welcome aziz ansari . . [ cheers and applause ] do you feel the love . Aw, theyre so nice. Thank you, thank you very much. Jimmy theyre giving it up for you. Absolutely. Thank you, thank you. Jimmy we love having you here. You look sharp as always. Thanks. Jimmy last time you were here we did a bit where you played bobby jindal. Do you remember this . I do, yeah. Jimmy republican, he was maybe running for president. Yeah. He was trying to run for president. And it didnt work out. Now that, what is the guy, the orangefaced monster is running. Jimmy i think donald trump is his name. Yeah, i forget. Its a very riveting election. Its like watching wwe wrestling. Theres feuds and stuff. Right now its him and the kahn family. Jimmy yeah. Oh, my god, they are destroying him jimmy yeah. [ cheers ] the kahn family is the drake to Donald Trumps meek mill. Jimmy i didnt see it that way, yeah. I mean, its crazy. Let me give you a copy jimmy pulled one out of his pocket. Yeah, then trump is like, why doesnt your wife say anything . Then the guy goes, you have a a black soul. Which is the coldest [ bleep ] ive ever heard. [ light laughter ] ive never heard anyone say that. I heard that was going to be a a line and 2pacs hit em up. And he was like, nah, nah its too mean, we cant go there. Its too much. [ laughter ] jimmy you have a black soul. You dont want to say that. Jimmy oh, my gosh. Pal, congrats on the emmy nominations. I think youre going to win, buddy. I really have a good feeling. And i hope you do because it is a fantastic show. Thank you very much. Jimmy master of none. [ cheers and applause ] it is great. It made me laugh. It made me think. Uh, it made me cry. Oh, wow. Thank you very much. I appreciate it. Are you sure you were watching my show and not naked in and afraid . Jimmy thats what i was watching. I like that one. Thats a good show. So many things where im watching, im like, thats me. Jimmy oh my god, thats how you know a show is good, when you try to relate the thing. Thank you. But, when youre trying to find a place to eat and it takes you four hours to find the place . Every day, yeah. Every day. Jimmy there are so many bits. Who is your costar again . Your girlfriend in it . Noel wells. She is incredible. Jimmy she is fantastic. Its just a great relationship. Eric wareheim. I dont know, i just love it. Aw, thanks. Were working on season two now. Very excited about it. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy congratulations. It is. Jimmy their tricky shows. There is a beginning, middle and end and its all happening in different segments, so its a tricky show. Congrats, man. Yeah, thank you. Jimmy what you got nominated for you, or comedy series, you personally, and for acting, writing and directing . Yep. Jimmy come on, not bad. Not bad, yes. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy and you know what im going to say, your dad. Yep. Jimmy your dad plays your dad in the show. Your real dad. Yeah. Hes my real dad. The show. Hed never acted before. And you know, when the show came out, like he was getting some good reviews. In reviews they like said, oh, hes really great. And so when the emmy stuff was coming up, i was talking to people at netflix. And i was like, hey like what if we push for my dad to get an emmy for like supporting actor . Theyre like, [ bleep ] it, why not . And they like really went for it and got him a billboard in l. A. Jimmy this is true, i have a photo of it. Which thi this is a real billboard. To be clear, that is my dad. And [ cheers and applause ] jimmy that is great. They really did it. Jimmy yeah, i mean. Those are legit quotes from the los angeles times, a breakout star. New york times, a Scene Stealer. And it actually worked. Like there were articles started coming out where they started saying, like hes got a this was in the hollywood reporter. Frontrunner. Doctor shoukath ansari. Alond with like larry david and louis c. K. Jimmy legit. Meanwhile, you go to like long shots and they have the long shot section, its like sorry, fred armisen. Too bad john stamos. Looks like this gastroenterologist from North Carolina is actually a a frontrunner this year. Jimmy he is great. Does he love all the fame and people recognizing him . Oh, yeah. He loves it. My mom hates it. Jimmy shes not into it. Shes not into it. She is already like, oh in season two say my characters gone on vacation. Like im not doing anything else. My dad is like, i have some ideas. And he didnt get nominated, but its still cool he got all these writeups and stuff. My parents are part of the cast us to the emmys. And i texted them, like hey you guys are gonna come to the emmys. My mom is like, oh, thats great, im very excited. And like ten minutes later my dad texted me three photos of Bradley Cooper in different tuxedos. Like which one of these do you think would be nice for me . [ laughter ] jimmy hes gone hollywood. Hes gone hollywood. Who is going to style me . Jimmy you created a a monster. You just went to the white house. You got invited to a dinner over there . Yes, so jimmy was it fun . I got invited to the white house does these dinners called the state dinners. And they had one it was for the nordic region. There was like some big dignitaries were coming from like sweden and stuff. And you know, when you get invited to these dinners, they have you know a lot of political people, people from you know, different fields science, government, or whatever. And also some like people that are in our world. And usually you have some sort of connection. Like will ferrell was there, his wife is from sweden. Jimmy yep. And i got invited because you know, im swedish. All. I think they invited me to like an indian one and i was out of town or something. So their like oh, yeah, just come to the swedish one. Jimmy youve been to an ikea right . Come on, come on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so i brought my mom to this. And we had such a great time. And its cool because you go to one of these fancy parties and normally you see, like oh, theres a different celebrity whatever. This is, oh [ bleep ], theres john kerry. And then like we saw, oh, theres john kerry. I dont want to say anything to him. What am i going to say to him . My mom saw joe biden, shes like oh, my god, its the Vice President. I was like, well you know he was actually on parks and rec. Like we can go say hello. And so we get in like this queue of people thats waiting to say hi to joe biden. And you know, everyones being cool. Just like oh, hello, mr. Vice president , shaking hands and kind of moving on, cause you know their wrapping this dinner up or whatever. And this one lady is like, taking her sweet time. Going. And then at a certain point it seemed like she was winding down. All right great, well get to say hello. And then she pulls out her cell phone and goes, hey, mr. Vice president , could you call my friend and just say hi . It will freak him out. And then joe biden goes, sure, why not . Why not . One, youve got two nice indian people waiting to meet you [ light laughter ] two, why are you wasting your time doing that . Thats crazy. You cant just do that. Jimmy youre the Vice President of the united states. People ask People Like Us to do that, and we never do it. We dont go oh, yeah let me youre like no, ive got things to do. Jimmy youre the Vice President. Joe bidens like, why not . Ive got nothing else going on. Hey its me joe biden are you freaking out . [ laughter and applause ] it was fine. It was fine. It will be fine. Like he called the person and then he spoke with me and my mom for a while. It was very nice. And then we all went out back, smoked my weed pen, and called yeah. Jimmy i want to show everyone a clip of master of none. Here is aziz and his dad in season one. Available now on netflix. Take a look at this. I mean whoever youre dating now this day could be who you end up with. Its a big decision. Its hard. Youre half full. You are so indecisive. When you are a kid, you said dad, can i play soccer, can i play tennis, can i play basketball . Me, im so decisive, i play we got married right away. No problem. Yeah, but thats totally different. It was an arranged marriage. How many women did you meet before you decided on mom. Two. Two thats it . What was wrong with the first lady . Shes a little bit too tall. I told my sister that i was like, oh, no. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy Scene Stealer more with aziz when we come back, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] lets feed him to the sharks squuuuack, lets feed him to the sharks yay and take all of his gold and take all of his gold ya and hide it from the crew ya. . Squuuuack, theyre all morons anyway i never said that. They all smell bad too. No you all smell wonderful i smell bad you repeat things. Its what you do. If you want to save fifteen percent or more on car insurance, you switch to geico. Its what you do. Squuuuack, its what you do. Discover card. Im not a customer, but im calling about that credit scorecard. to dog give it. Sure its free for everyone. Oh well thats nice and checking your score wont hurt your credit. Oh to dog im so proud of you. Well thank you. Get your free credit scorecard at discover. Com. Even if youre not a customer. Officials are reporting, this new doritos mix is responsible for the worldwide bold outbreak. Things have gone totally around the bend. Has the world gone completely bold . New doritos mix. . . . . . . Introducing the firstever cadillac ct6. [ cheers and applause ] . . Jimmy welcome back, everybody. We are hanging out with aziz ansari, right there ladies and gentlemen. [ cheers ] aziz, in your book, modern romance, you deal with dating in todaysld and last time you were here you talked about the importance of the first text. Yes. Thats right, jimmy. The first Text Exchange can really make or break a a relationship. Jimmy well we asked our viewers to send in their worst first Text Exchanges. I thought we could read a few of them right now. Its time for first textual experience. [ cheers and applause ] you should know that all these texts are 100 real. Aziz, why dont you start this one off, and then ill do the response. All right. I just wanted to say that i had a great time tonight. And i that i know i might be jumping the gun, but i felt a a connection with you that i havent felt in a long time. Youre a really sweet girl. I think i can see myself falling for you. Id be lying if i wasnt already falling for you. I cant wait to see what the future has in store for us. Jimmy no. [ laughter ] that is cold. That is cold. All right. That was rough. Jimmy that was rough, yeah. Happy 4th. Hope its a great day. You there . Just wanted to see how your 4th is going. [ light laughter ] Nothing Better than a great fireworks show. [ light laughter ] smiley face. You there . [ light laughter ] well hope its a great 4th. [ laughter and applause ] jimmy thats putting it out. Really hoping you have a great 4th. All right. Why dont you go. . . Did you fall from heaven . Because based on your picture, i think you might be an angle. [ laughter ] jimmy an acute or obtuse [ laughter and applause ] huh . Jimmy you said i was an angle. I was asking what kind . [ light laughter ] i dont know. The type of angle with beautiful eyes and a killer smile. Jimmy so obtuse . Exactly. [ laughter and applause ] jimmy on the wrong page. All right im going to start this one. Hey, sophie, happy face. Who is this . Jimmy lol. You gave me your number no more than five minutes ago. I think she gave you the wrong number. Ouch. [ light laughter ] i know that feel, bro. [ applause ] jimmy lets do one more. Lets do one more. Here we go. It will be nice to finally meet you. You, too weve been chatting for quite a a while now. I drink my coffee anally. Jimmy good to know. Smiley face. No [ bleep ] auto correct. [ light laughter ] jimmy thats all we have. My thanks to aziz ansari well be back with carla gugino, everybody [ cheers and applause ] . . Now Straight Talk wireless. Has more highspeed data than ever before. 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This is the lincoln summer invitation, hurry in now to your dealer for limited time offers lease an mkc for 289 a month or get 0 apr for 60 months and Just Announced 1,000 dollars summer invitation bonus. Inside the rack houses of jim beam, every barrel is aged four long years, how will you make yours . Whats up schumer . Okay, i got roped into spending the day with my sisters kids makes farting noise and they like keep talking about back to School Shopping . Back to school is like our red carpet. Just go to old navy. They have like the coolest back to School Clothes up to 60 off. Its what we all wear. And they have jeans starting at like 10 bucks. Noice dont say noice. Sounds stank no. Stop. Okay. Um. Guess what were going to old navy. Fios is not cable. Were wired differently. So we wired the wagners house with 100 meg internet. Which means that in the time it takes mr. Wagner to pour a 20 oz. Cup of coffee, 12 seconds. Thats the power of fiber optics. And right now you can get 100 meg internet with equal upload and dowloads speeds, tv and phone for just 69. 99 per month online. Cable cant offer internet speeds this fast at a price this good. . . [ cheers and applause ] jimmy our next guest stars opposite luke wilson in the new showtime series roadies which airs sunday nights at 10 00 p. M. Ladies and gentlemen, please . . [ cheers and applause ] jimmy hello. Hi. How you doing . Jimmy welcome back. You look gorgeous. Thank you for coming back. Thank you. Jimmy i appreciate that. I always love it. I look forward to it all day long. This is what im gonna do at the end of the night. Its so, so awesome. Jimmy oh, its perfect. Yeah. So wait a minute. We have to say that people who dates have it so much easier than when the guy had to call my dad, at least. Jimmy oh, yeah. When you used to have to be like, did you have to do that . Like you pick up the phone, your like, hi, this is jimmy, im calling for carla. Jimmy yeah, i know. I would always and then you get the full vet from the parents . Jimmy yeah. I was i had to have it already written it out. Im saying, like hi, this is jimmy, may i please speak to carla . [ light laughter ] exactly. Jimmy and they go, okay. And like, we approve. Hold on. Yeah, yeah. Jimmy carla, jimmys on the phone. Yeah. So jimmy, what have you been doing . What do you want to do with my daughter . [ laughter ] sex . Its like, its totally different. Jimmy they just cut right to the chase. Yeah, yeah. Exactly. Jimmy what is the carla gugino . I would say i love saying your full name. Oh, well thank you. Jimmy its a fun name to say. Carla gugino. You know when i went to italy as a kid, i was trying to tell them what my name was. And theyre like, whats your name . I was like, carla. And they were like, carla . Carla . Carla . Like the carla gugino, its italian. Carla. Carla gugino. Jimmy yeah, carla gugino. These are my people. But yes, they wanted me to change my name when i first started acting. Thats because they thought it was too ethnic and that people and that i should find something easier. Jimmy is that right . And you know, i really young. I was like 13 and i really kind of thought, well maybe they know what theyre talking about. Jimmy what would you change it to . Well, that was the problem. I started thinking about it. And i was like, well, you know my moms maiden name is burgess. Which is a great name. Irish name. Englishirish. But then my middle name is neill. Jimmy neill . Yeah. Jimmy wow, thats pretty cool. Never heard that. Yeah. My middle name is neill. My grandfathers name was neil. Jimmy ah, there you go. Jimmy for lovely, yeah. Little feminine touch. [ laughter ] jimmy thats cool. And so i thought like patricia neill, carla neill. Maybe i could do that. And then i was like, you know what thought my italian father will be devastated. Jimmy exactly. I mean, my dads name is carl gugino. Jimmy no way. So yes. Jimmy are you kidding me . What . So you can guess where my name came from. Jimmy what an ego maniac your dad is. Really . Wait a minute. Jimmy to name your daughter no im kidding. No isnt isnt your dad also jimmy oh, yeah. No, its well my families the worst. My dads name is jim, im jim. My moms name is glorid [ laughter ] jimmy most unoriginal parents in the entire world. I didnt know the gloria part. Jimmy oh my god. Oh. My mom yes. Excuse me. Gloria. Jimmy and we have i have two babies. Why didnt you name them gloria . [ laughter ] im not gonna do that to them mom. So you go by like big and little or senior and junior . Jimmy well we did that for a little bit. I mean, for and my dad it was like, you want to talk to big jim or little jim. Right. Jimmy and it didnt really work well with my mom. Yeah, cause jimmy i dont want to be big gloria. [ laughter ] no. Jimmy lets talk about roadies. I love it. Oh. Jimmy its great. Its on showtime. You got to check it out. Its from the creative j. J. Abrams and cameron crowe. Cameron crowe. Yes. Jimmy i love cameron. [ applause ] hes my i mean i i love that man so much. And i know the feelings mutual. By the way, and im dying to tell you guys about roadies, cameron had a question for you. He was like, whats happening to the dennis hope hairdo . We need it back. His character from almost famous. Jimmy oh my gosh. It is first of all jimmys brilliant in it. Jimmy no im not. Secondly, the hair. Jimmy ow that is a wig . No. Thats really my hair. No, its so good. Its such a good look. Jimmy no its not cool when people think youre wearing a a wig and its your actual hair. [ laughter ] i love cameron so much. I love how hes love things. I know. He jimmy he can make you feel like its like this mug is like, that is a beautiful mug. That is the coolest mug ever. No one can touch that mug the way you touch it. Thats such a good cameron impression. Jimmy and you go, ah, it is a great mug. And you just feel like a a million bucks. To everybody on the whole set. Its true though. I mean, i really think, its a a show about a rock n roll band touring the country. The scenes who makes the magic happen. Make that one moment that we all get to go experience when your favorite band comes on and, like, changes your life. Jimmy well its like a a family. And yeah, and its a like the family you find. You know . And i play the production manager. And luke wilson is the tour manager. Jimmy hes fantastic. Oh, hes amazing. Jimmy ron white. And ron white is incredible. Jimmy hes fantastic in it. No i mean its, he is ron white, i cannot stop laughing. I mean like, basically jimmy funniest dude. We are constantly cleaning up my makeup because hes, yeah. Jimmy thats so good. Who would you, if you were a a roadie for a band, who would you like to be a roadifo even if theyre not around anymore . Jimmy yeah, it could be anybody, yeah. I mean id have to pick bowie. I have to go bowie. Jimmy yeah. Id have to say bowie. [ cheers and applause ] id have to put the kinks in there because im a huge kinks fan. Jimmy yeah. Ray davies, dave davies, sure. You know, and beatles stones. Thats a tricky do i get to, do i get to do them all . I dont know. Jimmy i dont even want i would like to just be on tour with the Red Hot Chili Peppers. [ cheers and applause ] thats what im talking about [ cheers and applause ] yes of course. [ light laughter ] jimmy the best band in all the land. The roots. Jimmy oh is that right . The roots. Yeah, i guess so, yeah. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] you could jimmy i was a roadie once. Oh kind of a little bit for you guys. Well i opened up for you guys, remember in atlantic city. Tariq oh, yeah, yeah. The borgata. Jimmy the borgata. Yeah. And james and i tariq Stevie Wonder night. Did you really . Jimmy that was the best story ever. So the roots go out. We get there. Im doing standup before the roots go on. And i get off the stage and james is hanging out there. And i go, what are you doing james . Youre not going on the stage . He goes, no, they forgot, somebody forgot his keyboard. So i go, how do you forget james keyboard. Really . Jimmy yeah. So i go, what are you going to do . He goes, i dont know. Im just gonna hang out. And i go, alright. So he goes, want to have a a drink . I go, great. We got a tequila or Something Like that. So we got the tequila. Were hanging out. And the guy at the hotel goes, hey, you guys, want to say hi to Stevie Wonder . So james and i go over and its not like i thought it was gonna be like a concert. Right. Jimmy its like ten people and Stevie Wonder. Thats it. Wow. Jimmy so we go up. We meet Stevie Wonder and i was just goofing off. Like a dream at this point. Jimmy so were goofing off and i go . Ebony and ivory . And stevie goes . Their together like perfect harmony . No way. Jimmy then i go, im just going to keep this going. Im not gonna stop. So i go like . We all know the people . He starts playing the piano. James goes down and plays the other an sing the fullon harmony ebony and ivory. That is bananas. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy and then we went tariq and went back. Jimmy then we went then we went backstage and watch those guys perform, with two tequilas, like laughing and totally obnoxious. Why are you so happy . [ laughter ] oh it was the best story ever, man. That is crazy. Jimmy well this its the kind of fun things youll see when you watch roadies. Youre fantastic in it. Thank you. Jimmy i want to show everyone a clip. Here is carla gugino in roadies. Copy. And may i say that, im very sorry to hear that. You are . You deserve better. I do . Of course. Should i give that [ unintelligble ] yeah. . . . . [ cheers and applause ] she, shes been on the road away from her husband for a a little too long. Jimmy yeah. Thats all im going to say from that clip. Jimmy august 28th is the Season Finale and eddie vedder is appearing on it. Yeah. Jimmy its just pretty rad. Its so amazing. I mean, its funny because my birthday is august 29th. So its the day before my birthday but it made me think of birthdays because it was camerons birthday the night that eddie was there and theyve known each other forever. And eddie totally pied him in and we have that in the show, the characters. Its like a, its a theme, if someone really loves you they put a pie in your face. Jimmy that is true. So, yeah. Jimmy next time you come back, im gonna put a pie in your face. I mean, im ready. Jimmy carla gugino, everybody. Roadies airs sundays 10 00 p. M. On showtime. Jeff dye performs standup for us next. Stick around everybody. [ cheers and applause ] . . Mm, devour, say my name im talking to you, creamy white cheddar mac cheese with bacon. Can you feel it . You like that dont you . You taste so creamy. The little sounds your crispy bacon makes drive me crazy. 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Emerge everyday with emergenc packed with b vitamins, antioxidants, electrolytes plus more vitamin c than 10 oranges. Why not feel this good everyday . Emerge and see. Its a golden opportunity, to discover what we learn on the track. Doesnt stay on the track. On our complete line of f sport performance vehicles. At the lexus golden opportunity sales event. . . [ cheers and applause ] jimmy our next guest traveled throughout asia alongside henry winkler, william shatner, y george foreman. I can not wait to see that. You can follow their journey in the adventure series better late than never premiering august 23rd here on nbc. Making his late night debut, please welcome the very funny jeff dye . . [ cheers and applause ] thank you so much. What a trip. Its great to be on the tonight show [ cheers and applause ] a little about myself. Im a white guy. [ light laughter ] so if you know anything about history, im sorry. [ laughter ] our bad on all that. What else about me . Im not the smartest guy in the world. I found out that i have dyslexia back in 2031. [ laughter ] cool. [ applause ] so im dumb, but i am very happy. [ light laughter ] im like the happiest guy i know. And im probably happy because im dumb. [ laughter ] all right every smart person ive ever met seems to be ticked off all the time. Every smart person i know seems to be very annoyed and bothered. They think everythings a a nuisance. They dont have time for anything. Im starting to think dumb is gooder. [ laughter ] right . [ cheers and applause ] i think what it is, is smart people, they put all this learning into their brain and then they dont know what to do with it. So it frustrates them. So they just walk around grumpy all day. Like, Global Warming and gluten [ laughter ] other smart stuff. I dont know what theyre thinking about. [ laughter ] i know i dont struggle with that at all. Im usually picturing animals wearing clothes. [ laughter ] just happy. My friends are like, what are you laughing about, jeff . I was like, oh dogs dont wear rain boots. [ laughter and applause ] im dumb because my parents are dumb. Thats how it happened. [ light laughter ] my dad came with my mom and he and my mom was like, baby, okay. And then i came out, like, im baby. [ laughter ] at least thats how they explained it to me. I dont know. Its not a long tale. My dads actually so dumb he replies to junk mail. [ laughter ] i wish that was a joke, thats not a joke. We caught him replying to junk mail. We sat him down, were like dad, you dont have to reply to this. Its called spam mail, it goes to millions of people, its hes like, oh ill take it from here. [ laughter ] dear barnes noble, this looks like a great sale, but ill be out of town on the 23rd. [ laughter ] [ applause ] youre an idiot. On christmas, he referenced to us that he has a twitter account. We were like, pause christmas. [ light laughter ] show us immediately. And he walks us over to the computer and sure enough, my dads been tweeting every day ten times a day for the last right . Why didnt we know this . Because he doesnt follow anyone and no one follows him. [ laughter and applause ] hes just been shooting this stuff into space, like dad, you dont have a twitter, you have a diary. Thats what this is. [ laughter ] its just a record of your whereabouts, dingdong. [ light laughter ] my mom and dad are pretty mad at me too that im this age and im not married yet. But i think id be good at getting married. And i can watch netflix and not heck, im already doing it. You know . Practice. You know . I went to a wedding recently. And i thought it was very annoying. Because the guy who talked at the wedding, the guy who has like this square right here, he was like, kept repeating himself like over and over again. He was trying to explain to us that marriage is two people becoming one. But he kept like just winging it. You know like he would say it just slightly different. He was like, marriage is two bodies becoming one body. Two hearts becoming one heart. Two souls becoming one. Two households becoming one household. Two entered into one physically and sexually and spiritually and legally. Two walked into this church, now leave as one. [ laughter ] the two sandboxes, we pour the sand into one sandbox. Because it was two boxes but one. They blow it out. Because there was two flames, but now one. I get it [ laughter ] i get it two now one. Wrap it up you know. [ laughter ] ive got bridesmaids to meet churchman, all right lets do this. [ cheers and applause ] thank you. I will say that though, if youre married and you now believe youre one, i think thats beautiful. I just dont need to hear it a a million different ways. And i do believe if think youre now one, you should use that to your advantage next time you get into a fight with your spouse, you can just look them right in the eyes and go listen honey, i dont hate your mom. We hate your mom. [ laughter and applause ] all right, were one now. These are our thoughts, okay. Use it for everything. I didnt look at that ladys butt. We looked at that ladys butt. [ laughter and applause ] i wish we wouldnt have, honey. All right . Weve been real pervs lately. [ laughter ] dont get me started on our internet history. All right. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy how you doing . Jeff dye [ cheers and applause ] for more on jeff visit jeffdye. Com. Well be right back, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] your daughter wants to stay organic. Your husband wants to stay free from artificial ingredients. You want to stay free from artificial preservatives. And your debit card wants to stay on a diet. Fill your cart with Small Victories like stop shops natures promise brand. Great prices on over 800 items. Eat well for less. Only at my stop shop. Fios is not cable. Were wired differently, which means we can fix things differently. Thanks for calling fios. This is ryan. You cant tell me this cord isnt in. I know its in. Its in, but its not working. Im sending you a link to the my fios app that going to let me see what youre seeing. Really . Oh absolutely. I like that. Tech support that lets your technician see the problem over your smartphone. . . [ cheers and applause ] jimmy that was fantastic, buddy. Thank you so much. Jimmy thank you so much for doing that. My thanks to aziz ansari, carla gugino, jeff dye once again [ cheers and applause ] chad smith right over there from Red Hot Chili Peppers. The roots from philadelphia, pennsylvania. [ cheers and applause ] stay tuned for late night with seth meyers. Thank you for watching. Have a great night. Hope to see you tomorrow. Byebye, everybody [ cheers and applause ] . . [ cheers and applause ] . . Announcer from 30 Rockefeller Plaza in new york, its late night with seth meyers. Tonight jonah hill, author, jonathan franzen, music from gallant, featuring the 8g band with fred armisen and mary timony. . . [ cheers and applause ] ladies and gentlemen, seth meyers. Seth good evening, everybody. Im seth meyers, this is late night. Hows everybody doing tonight . [ cheers and applause ] oh, yeah. Thats good to hear. In that case, lets get to the news. In the last 24 hours, donald trump has refused to endorse Republican Leaders up for reelection, accused john mccain of failing veterans, suggested americans pull their
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