Its Jimmy Kimmel Live dicky and now, lights, camera, action. Heres jimmy kimmel [ cheers and applause ] jimmy how are you . Thank you very much. Welcome to the our sixth annual after the Academy Awards special coming to you from hollywood just across the street from the oscars on one side and a burneddown kenny rogers chicken restaurant on the other site. Im jimmy, im the host of the show. What a night it has already been. Can you say glamor, can you say glitz . Colin firth couldnt and he got an oscar for it. [ laughter ] [ cheers a it wasnt a particularly suspenseful oscars this year. Except for kirk douglas. [ laughter ] is he behind me . [ laughter ] kirk dug lats was very funny, tormenting the nominees. He waited and waited and waited, intentionally, to name the winner. It combined the suspense of Ryan Seacrest with the delivery of dick clark, like new years eve all over again. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] it may have been the highlight of the show. As expected, colin firth won best actor, Natalie Portman won best actress. And Nicole Kidman was upset. Seemed hard to up upset she lost. Hard to tell through the botox. And Christian Bale in the speech forgot his wifes name. I happen to know it isnt true, he got a little choked up and [ laughter ] this is the 83rd oscars. These are my favorite oscars, right after the mayer weiners, they really are. Its the night hollywood takes the time to honor the finest in cine cinema. Then its back to green lighting big mamas house for mama in space. We enjoy it while it louisianas. Lasts. James franco and Anne Hathaway did a nice job hosting the show. [ cheers and applause ] i guess its historic. This is the first time a man and a woman have hosted the oscars together on stage. Once again, the hollywood liberals trying to force their heterosexual agenda down our throats. [ laughter ] james franco, hosted and nominated for 127 hours, a true story of when Charlie Sheen got stuck under a huge rock of cocaine. [ laughter ] and had to cut a hookers arm off. Now the big winner, the kings speech. It was a lowbudget british fi, million, wound up making 250 million. Most of that around the world, not here. Because it was such a huge success, theyre already working on adapting it specifically to appeal to an american audience. The trailer was released today for the oscars. Really, i think weve already found our frontrunner for next years oscars. He was the most powerful man in the world. But he had one weakness. Mr. Cara karen tandy if you sent send sent mixed fixed mixed messages. Inability to speak. Based on a true story. They said youre the best. I dont do that anymore. Mr. Tyson, the country needs you. When the people needed a leader, one stupendously loquacious man eloquence helped him find his voice. To be or not to be. Now repeat after me. Were working hard to put food on our table. You are working hard to put food on your family. No Nuclear Power plant. Nukelar power plant. Oh you got me on the hook. Abu ghraib. Abu gaghraibab. Totalitarian. To to talli tarrians worst in the history of speaking. Together, they found the strength when it mattered the most. This is the state of the union and people will be watching it across the world. Lets do it. Members of congress, distinguished guests. I know that human beings and fish can coexist peacefully. George w. Bush. Tyler perrys the president s speech. Mission accomplished this film is not yet rated. Jimmy definitely see that. [ cheers and applause ] so i had no idea he had been knighted. [ laughter ] right now as we speak, the red carpet is rolled up across the street, the lights are taken down, lisa rinna is being froze anyone carbon night. [ laughter ] theres wonderful preshow coverage. Camille grammer covered the red carpet for cnn. Wolf blitzer is going to spend a week living with the real housewives of beverly hills. E channel aired six hours of programming. And this gem qualifies as the unintentional joke of the day. The girls are going to open their vaults and they are going to pull out the harry winston. You got get those waxed for a for the first time in ten years there were no africanamerican actors nominated. Black swan turned out to be the only nominee of color this year. Happy black history month, i guess. And speaking of black swan this is kind of funny. I learned this from red carpet coverage. Apparently there are a number of women on the black swan diet, a diet imspired by the way Natalie Portman lost weight to star as a ballet dancer. And im sticking with the precious diet from last year. [ laughter ] its working. This is something we do on our show. This is a regular special show for us tonight. But usually at the end of the week as it comes to a close, the tradition is we have a weekly tribute to the fcc where we bleep and blur things whether they need it or not. Tonight is no exception. It is this week in unnecessary censorship. From the kings speech, Geoffrey Rush and colin firth. When i just saw you [ bleep ]ing bromance rumors. Ann has promised a [ bleep ] massage. Yes, i will be off camera giving hip a hand [ bleep ]. So seven relieved hopefuls move one step closer to their idol dreams. I want to [ bleep ] my mom. Corey has restepped in a fresh pile of [ bleep ]. I have spent the last few months saying [ bleep ]ing you is like [ bleep ]ing frank sinatra. I have to say this would not work on the red carpet. You know that donald trump does enjoy black girls [ bleep ]ing. [ bleep ]ing balls. My grandmas here too. I just [ bleep ] marky mark. When i saw your [ bleep ], oh my goodness i got so excited. Because i know im going to be sucking that head. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy weve got a big show for you tonight. Tom hanks is here, we have music ill be right back to induct you into the hottie body hope club, so come right back [ cheers and applause ] big mac, mac jr, grand mac too. Thats three mac sizes made just for you so no matter where you might be at theres a big mac for that chorus big mac for that shoe game inspired . Views keep getting higher . Ahhhhh chorus theres a big mac for that you got a text back . Oooo. Can you freeze it like that . Chorus big mac for that wait. Theres three big macs for that actually. Lets go juicy, cheesy, iconic big mac. Now in three sizes, but only for a limited time. Im lovin it ba da ba ba ba its your tv, take it with you. With directv and at t, stream live tv anywhere datafree. Join directv today starting at 35 a month. No extra monthly fees. Have you tried the tissue test . Question, are my teeth yellow . Ugh, yellow. What do you use . Crest whitestrips crest 3d whitestrips whiten. 25 times better than a leading whitening toothpaste i passed the tissue test. Oh yeah. Crest whitestrips are the way to whiten our powerful relief now in pill form. Its the one and only cold flu caplet that has a maximum strength formula with a unique warming sensation you instantly feel. Power through with Theraflu Expressmax caplets. Like paperless, multicar, and safe driver, that help them save on their car insurance. Any questions . Yeah. How do you go to the bathroom . Great. Any insurancerelated questions . Mmhmm. Do you have a girlfriend . Uh, im actually focusing on my career right now, saving people nearly 600 when they switch, so. Wheres your belly button . [ sighs ] ive got to start booking better gigs. [ sighs ] lease a 2017 lincoln mkx for 369 a month. Only at your lincoln dealer. Jimmy welcome back. We are in hollywood. Good night to fall asleep with your television on with us this evening. A talented kid. His next movie with Julia Roberts is called larry crowne. Freshly arrived from the oscars, tom hanks is here. Very excited. Im going to need a little cooperation from the audience. We told him this is where the Vanity Fair Party was being held. Then posthanks, the newly crowned grammy winner with music from the lady killer, cee lo green from the bud light stage. [ cheers and applause ] well be back to work tomorrow night with new shows, including bill maher, emily blunt, music from aaron lewis. And thursday night the great and powerful howard stern will join us. [ cheers and applause ] i want to show you something. This is my body. Do you like it . [ cheers and applause ] take it in for a moment. All angles. You together a body like this from sitting behind a desk with your pants undone. In hollywood being in shape is more important than being alive and this is how we do it. Who trains the most beautiful actresses in the world . Who shapes the bodies of hollywoods elite through his patented and proven Entertainment System . I do. Im jimmy k. Lets get to work. You are the father hi. Im scarlett johansson. You know, people always ask me, how do you stay in such great shape . I never ask. I know. Hes my fitness guru. Jimmy k. Thanks, scarlett. There are so many workout programs out there. Ab lighting, pole dancing, weight shaking, tank topping, banging rubber against your head. You know what all these socalled workout programs have in common . No. Ill tell you. None of them wok out. Fad diets and workout plans frustration. Thanks, scarlett. Not anymore. Now you can be come a member of the extraexclusive hotdy body hump club. Hobo. Top hollywood scars know who thety body combines the section sectionability of pilates with lumping. To make your card vascular system a hardyo vascular system. Before i started with jimmy k. She was so fat she could barely walk. And now i feel great and now i weigh less than the average 9yearold girl. Thanks. Youre welcome. Hi, im jessica well. And when i started training with jimmy k. , i had a mission to get in shape, be hopefully be the kind of woman jimmy wants for a lovemaking session. Thanks, jessica. You are on the way. I called you twice and i sent a text message. Jimmy k. hi, im jessica alba. Before i started working out with jimmy k. I was slug and ish out of shape and i cried a lot. I cried a lot too. And what did we do . We turned tears into gears. Together, we exercried. I train the ladies who fill the big screens in skinny jeans. Let my hottie bodies hump a lotties dvd transform your body from flabby abby to ripa kelly. Yeah oh, yeah. Are you ready to do this . Lets get hottie body. Enough with the bake, its time to shake. Ready . Lunge to the left. Lunge to the right. Lunge it. Plunge it. Keep it going, tight. Now hump. Hump. Hump. Thats good humping, girls. Lets get hobofied. Hump it up, pump it down. Take a train to humping town. Thats good. Hump i couldnt stop humping. I hump everywhere. At work. In the car. Even when im humping, im humping. Im humping too. Thanks, eva. Are you ready . Come on now, get that return in the hump. Dig in there now, come on hi, im emily. Blunt. When jimmy k. First approached me, made me unconscious and locked me in the trunk of his car, drove me to his private workout dungeon, i admit i was skeptical. But the results speak for themselves. Is he behind me . Is he wearing what im wearing . [ laughter ] lets get ridiculawesome. Hump the ball. Hump the ball. Hump the wall. Hump it [ speaking Foreign Language ] before jimmy showed you the way, how would you describe your body . A little doughy. She was a disgusting hippopotamus. Now shes as hot as the devils armpit on this the fourth of july. Thanks to a workout regimen thats so simple its almost impossible to understand. No pills, no bands, no gloves, belts, balls, weights, benches, or stationary bikes. I will help you harness your bodys natural energy. Is zion a rare lion. Zion could jump 20 feet in the air and take down an animal ten times his size. How does he find time to stay in such great shape . Not with weights or diet dwreengs, ill tell you that. Im lindsay lohan. Tell us more about lions, lindsay. Well, lions spend their days hurting and their nights humping. No true. Lions hump upwards of 40 times a night. Ive spent thousands of hours humpilates. Own your hottie body humpilates today, only 49. 99. Operators are humping by. The jimmy k. Program so is affordable, its practically a steal. Allegedly. [ cheers and applause ] order now. Jimmy thank you, ladies. Well be right back with tom hanks [ cheers and applause ] how do you become americas bestselling brand . You make it detect what they dont. Stop, stop, stop sorry. You make it sense whats coming. Watch, watch, watch mom. Relax im relaxed. You make it for 16year olds. Whoawhoawhoa and the parents who worry about them. You saw him, right . Going further to help make drivers, better drivers. Dont freak out on me. Thats ford. And thats how you become americas bestselling brand. Slow wifi at home. Guess im studyingthat is rough. Night. You know. Ipad pro has lte like your phone, so you can get internet pretty much anywhere. Anywhere what . You know thats not yourz line, right . Did you know that h r block will file your 1040ez for free . Ahh. Yeah. The line is,rome. And my jobs done here. Ok. Thank you. Dont just get your taxes done. Get your taxes won. You may be muddling through allergies. Oned with. Try zyrtec® for powerful allergy relief. And zyrtec® is different than claritin®. Because it starts working faster on the first day you take it. Try zyrtec®. Muddle no more®. And this is they like lobster party. Y, bsters lobsterfest is back with 9 irresistible lobster dishes. Yeah, its a lot. Try tender lobster lovers dream and see how sweet a lobster dream can be. Or pick two delicious lobster tails with new lobster mix and match. The only thing more tempting than one succulent lobster tail, is two. Is your mouth watering yet . Good. Because theres something for everyone, and everyones invited. So come in today. Why are you checking i want to see if it changed. Credit scores dont change that much do they . Really . Ill take it sir, your credit. Is great, right . When was the last time you checked . Yeah, i better check my credit score. Here, try credit karma. Its free. Alright, no more surprises. Credit karma. Give yourself some credit. I am totally blind. I lost my sight in afghanistan. If youre totally blind, you may also be struggling with non24. Calling 8448442424. Or visit my24info. Com. Z2a0gz zi0z y2a0gy yi0y [ alarm weather. Eping ] [ laughter ] cartoons. Wait for it. [ cat screech ] [ laughter ] [ screaming ] [ laughter ] make everyday awesome with the power of xfinity x1. Hi grandma and the fastest internet. [ girl screaming ] [ laughter ] jimmy hi, and welcome back. Still to come, cee lo green. Our guest is one of two men to win backtoback best actors. Just him and steve van seagal. [ laughter ] far too many great movies to mention. The next with Julia Roberts, his next movie is larry crowne. It opens next summer. Please say hello to tom hanks. [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy im already disappointed. Thank you. My wife rita, and her sister lily. Very nice of you to walk me out. Jimmy i thought they were here exclusively for me. Then i felt so cheap. How are you . Thank you for being here. Im great. I was across the street. Thank you for blocking off hollywood boulevard to get me from there to here, thats nice. Jimmy it was our pleasure, anything for you, were happy to do it. More cops and the guys with machine guns out there. Jimmy yeah, they take it very seriously. Way too seriously. Im not so sure. Jimmy youd think Michelle Obama was giving birth to a child in the middle of the street out there. I realize its like the super bowl meets the Nobel Peace Prize ceremony, but i dont think we need cops with machine guns. Jimmy its amazing. You can for us its annoying, we come to work, suddenly strangers tell us were not allowed to come into our own building. They make you roll the windows down in your car. Do you want to roll the windows down . They lean in. Hi, mr. Hanks. And let me go on through. Like, who is going to be here in here with me. Im by myself as it is. Jimmy i want you to know, i think toy story 3 was the best movie of the year. [ cheers and applause ] thank you very much. Theres a guy. You dont have an applause sign. You have a bald headed guy going like that. [ cheers and applause ] . Hes the oscar. Hes the oscar statuette. There you go. Thats very good. And i look at the kings speech, yeah, thats a great movie, but somebody could do that with their video camera. Toy story 3, no one could do that. Im not the person to talk to. Number one, im on the board of governors for the Academy Awards. Jimmy did you vote for toy story 3 . Yeah, it is the best movie of the year. [ cheers and applause ] i dont know what happened. I dont know what happened. Jimmy i dont know what happened either. Whats the point of being on the board of governors, if you dont make money, and i dont, and number two, you cant get your movie a trophy. Jimmy youd think youd be able to govern on the board of governors, but no. Somebody there has sway and it aint me. Jimmy if toy story had won, you would not have been there when the award was presented. I would have been walking over here. Downstairs eating cheese and bologna. Lonely sight. I used to have to stay over there to the end of the show. Now i can come bologna. Jimmy you can do what you want. As i mentioned you are a twotime Academy Award winner. [ cheers and applause ] theres pictures. There. Awhile back. That was the first year. And that was the second year. Jimmy without the tie. I was told in the future, you could wear a banded collar. And it looks like i transported to 2563 where ties are outlawed by the federal galaxy or Something Like that. Jimmy who convinced you not to wear the tie . Actually, i was on the celebrity meal train, you have to go to a lot of things. You go to all the you have to go to england, stuff like that. I actually just wanted the simplicity of not wanting to put on a tie. I went with a banded collar. And as you know there are no banded collars left in existence. Jimmy no, theyll come back. You know, james bond is not going to wear a banded collar. Look at your band. I meant to stay snappy. Jimmy where are your oscars . My oscars ar little old. This is a true story. When you get one, the sweat in your hands have a certain degree of acidity, alkaline, whatever it is. When you grab them right around the loins, the thigh and midsection, thats how you carry it around. You dont grab it by the head and carry it like that. You dont do a balancing thing. You grab it right around and that sweat and the chemicals in your body begin to immediately corrode the gold thats on it. Jimmy immediately . Well, maybe its just me. I have some juju inside me that makes this the happen. Like the very next day, both years, ive come down and