[ cheers and applause ] thats right. Runners train for months and months just for the chance to tell their friends they came in 10,000th place. [ light laughter ] its nice. [ scattered applause ] the marathons Opening Ceremony actually kicked off today with the parade of nations. Its a celebration of the fact that wherever we come from and whatever our culture, we can all come together to get beaten by a guy from kenya. [ laughter and applause ] and its just its a a beautiful moment. Its a beautiful thing. But of course, the big story is election ds and i read that krispy kreme is giving out free donuts to anyone who shows their i voted sticker. [ cheers ] thats right. Krispy kreme, so that way you can make two decisions youre not really proud of. [ laughter and applause ] yesterday, Bernie Sanders met up with Hillary Clinton to campaign in north carolina. [ cheers ] as former rivals, its nice to see them come together and embrace each other. Take a look. They almost embraced each other. Its flu season. Get away from me. [ laughter and applause ] over on the republican side, Melania Trump gave a speech yesterday where she said she wants to focus on stopping internet bullies. When asked how she plans on doing that, she said, by hiding my husbands phone. [ laughter and applause ] stop it. Now, multiple sources within the fbi say the agency has so protrump, one agent even called the fbi, trumplandia. What i was going to rename the United States if i win. [ laughter and applause ] its got a nice ring to it. But if youre voting here in new york, you should listen to this. I read that ballot selfies are banned here in new york city for election day. Well, i guess that means Anthony Weiner wont be voting this year. [ laughter and applause ] election with an l. Election day. [ laughter ] steve i just wanna take a a picture though. Jimmy what youre talking about is not an actual day. [ laughter ] [ laughter ] guys, i just saw a movie based on the 90s furby toys is in the works. And, this is kind of crazy, but i saw that way back in 2000. They once released a a limitededition toy called furby for president. This is real. It looks a little familiar. Take a look at this thing. [ laughter ] isnt that amazing . The only difference between that thing and donald trump is the furby has batteries you can remove to get it to stop talking. [ laughter ] and you could [ cheers and applause ] be careful, though. If you bring that one home, it will deport your other toys. [ laughter ] just so you know. Just so you know. [ applause ] speaking of toys, theres a new line of Cabbage Patch kids that have electronic eyes that can actually react to you. Perfect for kids that love dolls, but hate being able to sleep at night. [ laughter and applause ] mom, it wont stop staring at me. Guys, sometimes it feels like theres nothing but bad news out there, especially with the election going on. Well, we here at the tonight show have decided anchors from all around the country to read stories that we wish were true, stories that make us feel happy. Ill show you what i mean in tonights installment of, ive got good news and good news. [ cheers and applause ] . Ive got good news ive got good news ive got good news . In medical news, flossing has been found to be complete bull crap. Youve always known it, and now we all know it. [ laughter ] breaking news, that crying baby on your crosscountry around and said, wow, that was pretty annoying. Sorry, everybody. And slept peacefully for the rest of the trip. [ laughter ] hey, remember earlier when you tripped, and then you tried to play it cool by turning it into a little jog . [ laughter ] well, it worked. Thats right. A few people saw it and totally thought you just decided to jog for a second. [ laughter ] breaking news, your coworkers are dying to hear about your dream last night. It doesnt matter that it never really happened and doesnt affect them in any way. [ laughter ] this just in. Your Favorite Sports Team can now hear your suggestions through the television, and they love the helpful advice. [ laughter and applause ] so, the next time you yell, how about play some real defense . You can expect to see some real defense. [ cheers and applause ] just a reminder, ice cream. [ laughter ] and finally tonight, im a a little nervous to tell you this, but i like you. . I mean, i likelike you. And i was just wondering if maybe you wanted to get a cup of coffee some time, maybe see renee zellweger. Sorry, im bad at this. Damn it, joe. Youre blowing it. Anyway, if youre still interested, meet me at the top of the Empire State Building at midnight, and lets just see what happens. I have a really good feeling about it. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy i mean, chuck scarborough, fantastic. We have a great show for you tonight give it up for the roots . [ cheers and applause ] jimmy ah, thank you, guys thank you. Thank you. Guys, come back again next week on monday. Bill maher will be here. Thats right. [ cheers and applause ] as well as, this is very exciting, from the World Champion chicago cubs, anthony rizzo, dexter fowler. [ cheers and applause ] and world series mvp ben zobrist will be here [ cheers and applause ] the cubs steve go cubbies jimmy oh, theyre great. Im very excited. Thats monday. Later in the week, we have eddie redmayne. We have lily collins. [ cheers and applause ] amy adams, Jeremy Renner will all be here. Its going to be a great, great week. [ cheers ] but first, we love this man. Hes one of the funniest people on earth. Hes got a brandnew standup comedy special on netflix called dana carvey straight white male, 60. Steve yeah jimmy dana carvey is on the plus, oh man, this woman is so talented. Her new album, here, is out today. [ cheers ] alicia keys is in the house [ cheers and applause ] steve oh jimmy just talented, funny, awesome. I cant wait to talk to her. Were going to catch up, and then shes going to perform her new single, blended family, for us. I cant wait. Im so happy. Alicia keys is here. [ cheers and applause ] love her. Guys, todays friday. Thats usually when i catch up on spe you know, i check my inbox and return some emails. And of course, i send out thank you notes, and i was just running a bit behind. [ cheers and applause ] i was running a bit, i was wondering if i could just write out my weekly thankyou notes right now. Is that cool . You dont mind . [ cheers and applause ] you guys are the greatest. Thank you so much. I appre [ studdering ] [ laughter ] hey. James . How you doing, buddy . [ laughter ] [ laughter ] hey, james, can i get some thankyou note writing music, please . . [ laughter ] hes a joy to have around the office. Steve hes a joy, yeah. Jimmy hes a joy to have around the office. Steve cute as a bug. [ laughter ] jimmy hes our hes our little button, there. Steve hes our little button. Jimmy and we love him. Steve jimmy baseball. [ laughter and applause ] jimmy baseball. Love his album. . Jimmy thank you, daylight sa stretching out the election season for one more hour. [ cheers and applause ] we get it. Steve enough. Jimmy gosh . Thank you, i voted stickers for being a great thing to wear if you voted or if you just want to show up to work two hours late. [ cheers and applause ] that line was so it was a a mess. Steve unbelievable. Jimmy oh, it was just, like a mess. Steve they were serving early, and i still couldnt. [ laughter ] steve wait, did you vote or not . Jimmy whats that . Steve did you vote . Jimmy yeah, i totally went, and i [ laughter ] and i voted. Steve were you just there . Are you sure you voted . Jimmy i was just there. Steve whered you vote at . Where did you vote . Jimmy i had to go to the school. Steve which school . [ laughter ] jimmy they changed the location last minute. [ laughter ] how was i supposed to know . [ laughter ] i was there early at the wrong school. I had to vote, wait online. [ laughter ] steve are you okay . Is there something wrong with your jimmy no steve oh. [ laughter and applause ] fall back. Jimmy thank you. . Thank you, beyonce, for giving a surprise performance at the cma awards or as its also known, country time lemonade. steve yeah [ cheers and applause ] jimmy perfect. Steve come on perfect jimmy perfect Steve Country time lemonade. Jimmy that was made just for that joke. Steve come on, perfect jimmy thank you, salad spinners, for making me feel [ laughter and applause ] come on stay with me stay with me, buddy. Im sorry. Im sorry. Its wilted. Steve ugh [ laughter ] . Jimmy thank you, donald trump and Hillary Clinton, for both holding your Election Night parties in new york city, which will result in the lamest reenactment of west side story ever. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] . Youre never alone youre never disconnected . . Jimmy and finally, this is the last one. [ audience aws ] last thank you note. But i love you. I love you, boy. [ laughter ] . And its time for you to grow up, time for you to get a job, get married, hopefully do better than your old man did. . But i will take you with me wherever i go . [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] im working on it steve and the tony goes to jimmy im working out my oneman, my oneman show. Steve the oneman show. Jimmy yeah. Steve its called thank you notes. Jimmy yeah. Steve but with notes, thank you notes. Jimmy here you go, lengthy notes. Heres the last one. . Thank you, arbys, for selling out of your new deer meat sandwich on its first day, or as santa put it, guess ill be using an uber from now on. there you go. Thank you, everyone those are my thank you notes. Well be right back with dana carvey [ cheers and applause ] . Simulation initiated. [beeping] take on any galaxy with a car that could stop for you. Simulation complete. The new nissan rogue. Rogue one a star wars story. In theaters december 16th. Surprise we heard you got a job as a developer its official, i work for ge what . Wow. Yeah okay. Guys, ill be writing a new language for machines so planes, trains, even hospitals can work better. Oh sorry, i was trying to put it away. Got it on the cake. So youre going to work on a train . Not on a train. On trains what ge is . Inside the rack houses of jim beam thousands of barrels lay silent aging, building a fuller smoother flavor that only comes from being aged four long years how will you make yours . Now try jim beam apple poured over ice and serve with club soda and a fresh lemon wedge ats youre paying more forou . Prescription medicines. Kelly ayotte blocked lower cost generic drugs. Youre paying high Interest Rates on college loans. Ayotte voted against letting you refinance at lower rates. And youre paying higher bank fees while ayotte voted for special breaks to wall street executives. Kelly ayotte. Shes siding with corporate special interests and thats costing you. Shes not working for New Hampshire. Evit takes money away from the, regular Public Schools from students like mine. Massachusetts schools already lose 400 million a year to charters and question two means well lose even more. Weve got to stop taking from the 96 percent of kids who dont attend a charter school. If you believe every child deserves a great public im maggie hassan, and New Hampshire has a very clear choice do we keep going with a senator who repeatedly votes with the corporate special interests. Or a new senator who sides with the people of New Hampshire . My focus has always been on creating opportunity for working families making college and job training more affordable. Lowering Prescription Drug costs. And always protecting a womans right to make her own health care decisions. These are my priorities, why i approve this message. And why i respectfully ask for your vote. . [ cheers and applause ] jimmy our first guest is one of the alltime greatest cast members in saturday night live history. He now stars in the new original standup special, dana carvey straight white male, 60, premiering today, exclusively on netflix. And then beginning january 6th should say is one of the greatest cast members of saturday night live history. At the theyre doing a residency at the foundry in the sls hotel in las vegas. Please welcome the hilariously entertaining dana carvey [ cheers and applause ] . . [ cheers and applause ] jimmy that was cool. Hey how you doing . Everything good . [ speaking french ] jimmy fallon. Jimmy uh, um, uh [ light laughter ] youre the only talk show host i could go out and youre like, okay, thats cool. [ laughter ] jimmy we dont need any of that stuff. Come on, man. What are we going to do . [ light laughter ] i have anxiety. Jimmy i have a problem. I have anxiety, ladies and gentlemen. Jimmy i have anxiety like the whole nation does. We got to get to tuesday. We just got to get to tuesday. Jimmy i know, lets get to tuesday, please, please. Because theres a very good chance both of them could be arrested before tuesday. [ laughter ] come on we got to get to tuesday. Jimmy seriously. I mean, you see donald, like, melania, melania, get to the plane, okay . Just get to the plane, okay . Why we got to go to plane, donald . You touch a ladys vajeesh . [ laughter ] jimmy what . [ laughter ] a ladys vajeesh . What are you, borat . Just get on the plane, okay . Get on the plane, okay . Okay. Okay, okay, okay. Jimmy what we do now . Well, i think obama obama will have to come on tuesday night and, well, ive talked to michelle. Weve decided to stay on. [ laughter ] . [ cheers and applause ] jimmy thats right. [ as obama ] thats right. And in the spirit of unity, ive got someone whos going to be copresident with me. George . [ as george w. Bush ] im going to be the veep. [ laughter ] thats quite an intense face. Thats when they go im going to be the veep. He for you. Two irishmen walk out of a bar. It could happen. [ laughter ] its a comedy bicycle. If you get a big laugh, you just do this. [ light laughter ] . Everybody does it. Everyone does it. Everyone does it. Dont give a comedian a a monitor. Jimmy i want to talk about oh, anyway. Jimmy your standup special. Yeah, straight white male, 60. I know, its a weird title, isnt it . Jimmy i like it. My sons are millennials, theyre doing standup with me and theyre like, dad, you should totally name it that. I would so click on that. I would totally click on that. [ light laughter ] jimmy its all about clicking on it. Its all about click bait. Thats it. So, you know, i do a lot of millennial material in the special. Jimmy yeah. What do you think of millennials . I spend a lot of time with them. Well, theyre brilliant. You guys, any millal yeah. Enjoy your youth, man. Enjoy your youth. Touch your toes, never take a a nap. [ laughter ] here we are. Well be right back with more jimmy fallon. Jimmy is it tom brokaw . I was tom brokaw. Jimmy tom brokaw is Tom Brokaw Jimmy ill be announcing for the tonight show. Let me do tom brokaw saying where the library . In spanish. [ laughter ] why not . Jimmy why not . Why not . . This is why jimmy this is what you get to expect if you watch the netflix special. I do a lot of wacky stuff. Yeah, i do some millennial the thing i do about millennials is never take a a millennial kid, or never take a teenage boy to europe. Like, dont waste your money. My wife and i brought our sons to italy and we were in the roman coliseum with the teenage boys. So we thought it was amazing, my god, the seat of history. And ill stand up for it. This is the quote. He goes, uh, is this pretty much all were going to do today . [ laughter and applause ] which is such a passive aggressive thing. All they care about because they were into bmx biking and skateboarding is what they could catch air on. You know, we saw the statue of david. I could catch so much air off his ass. Anyway. Jimmy anywho. But do you a thing where are we . Jimmy in your you do micro impressions. I do micro impressions now. Theyre my latest little trick. Jimmy i love this. Ive always loved your standup. Thats thank you. One of my micro impressions is of you. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy what . And its not very good. Its just a core, tiny essence exploded into the stratosphere. Jimmy okay. This is jimmy fal a ufo. Crazy. . [ cheers and applause ] jimmy i would freak out. If i saw a ufo, i would freak out. Okay, let me throw one at you, okay . No, yeah, you do chris rock as a sushi chef. Jimmy raw fish. [ laughter ] raw fish how do you like the fish . Raw. [ cheers and applause ] . Raw fish this is Christopher Walken enjoys a a magic trick. Wow [ cheers and applause ] jimmy thats unbelievable. Sean connery is asked whether he would like to vacation in spain. Yes. [ laughter ] theyre micro. This is for questlove. Tony montana at thanksgiving dinner. Scarface. Tony montana, thanksgiving dinner. Pass the sweet potatoes. [ laughter ] michael cain in kindergarten. [ as caine ] just because its nap time, doesnt mean i need a bloody nap. [ laughter ] [ applause ] abcdefghijklmnop. Thats right. Thats right. I just want to know why do we have to color between the lines . [ laughter ] the way you do i downstairs, have you noticed . Jimmy yeah. If you do michael cain, you start up here on the stairs and you take one level down here and then you go further down and then you go down here and then you say, master wayne, whats with all the pushups if youre never going to use your muscles . [ laughter ] liam neeson works at whole foods. Jimmy okay. Now this is a ten item or less line. You have 11 items. If you walk away now, no harm [ cheers and applause ] this writes itself, but its fun. Donald trump applies chapstick. [ light laughter ] donald trump applies chap stick. Jimmy you do it. I dont know [ as trump ] i just do it like, okay, so good, so soft. [ light laughter ] so, so nice. Jimmy i think maybe you take two tubes and you go [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] dana carvey, everybody i love this man. [ cheers and applause ] i love this man check out dana carv straight white male, 60, premiering today on netflix. More fun with dana when we come devour, say my name the little sounds your crispy bacon makes drive me crazy. You naughty little. Did you just spank your lunch . Yes. Nice. Food you want to fork. Introducing devour. Er, but im calling about that credit scorecard. Give it. Sure its free for everyone. Oh well thats nice and checking your score wont hurt your credit. Oh im so proud of you. Well thank you. Free at at discover. Com creditscorecard, even if youre not a customer. . . . . Okay google, show me korean restaurants in boulder. Google assistant i found a few places. Vo the new pixel, phone by google. Exclusively on verizon. The only next gen network that let