what? the same camp doug went to? no. we didn't go to the same camp. you weren't that girl who was always startin' fights and moonin' truckers on route 9? yes! camp unity! i didn't know that that was a church camp. i guess that's why they didn't ask me back. you know, i actually remember your last day. i think you had a run-in with doug. shut up! you cheated at kickball, carrie. did not! did, too! shut up! no, you shut up. stop! no! you! get-- aah! oh! [coughing] oh...you're gross. [coughing] that was doug? you're telling me i fell on doug? yep. this is unbelievable! do you remember this? not really, but i got my armpit hair that summer, so i was pretty much wrapped up in me. do you know what this means? we met as kids. we met before and didn't even know it. it's like we were meant to be or something. well, i'm all for that. so, so, so, so, tell me more about what happened afterwards. did we talk? mmm...yes. some words were exchanged, and then doug started to cry. oh, my god! we actually spoke to each other? this is so great! hey, dad. we're all tied up. really?! come on. oh! that's a lot of water up there. ♪ go. go. that's a nice shot. [ laughs ] yes! breakfast. [ male announcer ] share what you love with who you love. kellogg's frosted flakes. they're grreat! 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[ male announcer ] pringles, bursting with more flavor. morning, all! morning! morning! i trust you like your juice from concentrate. oh. thank you, arthur. i'll just place it here. enjoy it when you're ready. you know, i've been thinkin' about this wedding. i don't want to take all the glory for myself. you're entitled. you are the father of the bride. so her mother claimed. still... i'd like to include you both in the process. oh, well, thank you. we should throw a big party for carrie and doug every year and switch off paying. how about you two pay this year? uh... arthur, do you need some help paying for the wedding? well, i must admit, i'm a little short on liquid assets right now. how much do you need? all of it. well, you know what? joe and i would be happy to pay for the wedding. what just happened here? i'm not sure about this. carrie would be very disappointed in me if she knew. well, don't worry. nobody needs to know. as far as anyone else is concerned, you are still paying for everything. i will pay you back with interest! actually, interest seems a little over the top. anyway, it was a pleasure discussing the monroe doctrine with the two of you. good day. so how did you meeting go with father mcandrew? oh, it was great. he's all pumped up. he's like the catholic hulk. rahhh... he was always interested in physical fitness. yeah. oh, and this is weird, too: he said he remembered that me and carrie met when we were kids. no kidding. it was the summer of '77. apparently we went to church camp together. carrie got into a fight with someone and fell on me, and i choked. it's a whole sweet story. wait, wait, wait. that didn't happen to you. that happened to me. what? yeah. some girl fell on me at camp unity. i choked, then i cried, then i got a bomb pop. nah, nah, nah, nah. father mcandrew said it was me, said he remembered yelling "heffernan." my name is heffernan. actually, the summer of '77, you weren't at camp unity, doug. that was the year you went to fat camp. football camp. hey, coach, when do we play football? just keep runnin'. oh... yeah. carrie fell on me, not you. hey! ha ha! maybe me and carrie should be gettin' married, and you should be singing at our wedding, huh? that was fat camp? i wanted to tell ya. hey, amigo. hey, man, how's it goin'? it's great! you know, spreadin' my wings, enjoyin' my freedom. what brings you here? carrie asked me to meet her here. oh, well, welcome to the rest of your life, fido. heh. heh heh heh. all right. ho ho. hi, sweetie! hey, bridesmaids, huh? bride's pit crew. [imitates drill] ok, ok. ok! go! you're just in time. i was just about to tell them how-we- met-at-camp story. oh, you know what the funny thing about that story-- let me tell it, ok? so i'm up in the bleachers, i'm fighting with this skank. she pushes me. i fall on this boy, and it turns out, this boy... is doug. [gasp] shut up. mm-hmm. we actually met as kids and didn't even know it! i have chills. oh, my god, so do i. oh, my god, i don't 'cause it's a dumb story. excuse me. that dumb story got rid of all my wedding jitters. it was like i was totally freaking out, we go to the church, and the priest just hands me this... this sign...from god. total sign from god. and you just know. you just know. right, sweetie? you know it. so, apparently, this camp story's the only thing that keeps carrie from barfin' at the thought of marryin' me, and it's not even true. right, right. i see your problem. are there any more bugles in there? here. so what do i do? i mean, do i tell her the truth, or do i just leave it alone? leave it alone. yeah, but if i leave it alone, that's the first lie of our marriage. i mean, i know there'll be others, but this just kicks it off so early. leave it alone. what are you sayin', that carrie's so out of my league that i could only get her to marry me on a lie? just leave it alone. i can't believe you. oh, come on, man. it's not a big deal. i mean, women are just different. they need to think there's some magic fairy dust sprinkled over everything. see, all a man needs to know is that he's getting something "special" on his birthday. just leave it alone and let her believe. i guess. wait a second. after you're married, it's not just on your birthday, is it? you'll see. oh. i gotta roll. oh. oh, wait, man. i got your best man gift right here. hold on. here you go. it's a flask. ok. you don't like it? no, it's great. i mean, if i ever develop a serious drinking problem, i'll, uh... i'll get good use outta this thing. but they told me it was the classic best man gift. if you don't like it, take it up with manny at the house of pewter. look, i love it, ok? look, i'll see you tomorrow. ok, mr. spooner, let's review your choices. now, the reception will start with a raw oyster bar and an assortment of appetizers. the main course will be prime rib, and for dessert we have individual creme brules served with a raspberry and plum reduction. wonderful. i would also like to add a traveling cart with a selection of rare single-malt scotches. ok, but just so you know, that'll be pretty expensive. this is my daughter's wedding! money is no object! right? ♪ le freak, c'est chic ♪ freak out ♪ aw ♪ ♪ ♪ [ male announcer ] elevate your style. introducing the all-new corolla. ♪ you know, from our 4,000 television commercials. yep, there i am with flo. hoo-hoo! watch it! [chuckles] anyhoo, 3 million people switched to me last year, saving an average of $475. [sigh] it feels good to help people save... with great discounts like safe driver, multicar, and multipolicy. so call me today. you'll be glad you did. cannonbox! [splash!] hey, how you feelin', eh? you feelin' ready? you feelin' good? i'd feel a lot better if my future wife didn't need a fake sign from god to marry me. come on, man. we already talked about this. hey, i know what'll make you smile. check this out. mm...mmm! flask-a-licious. what are you, drunk? no, no. see, i'm cheering you up, telling you how much i like your flask. whatever. you're actin' drunk. dude, it's snapple. you know what? i don't like the gift. the only reason why i still have it is because manny wouldn't take it back. hello, douglas. i don't mean to alarm you two, but, apparently, the doves are a no-show. arthur, we canceled the doves. i don't understand. things were getting just a little expensive for us. but this wedding has to be perfect. carrie's mother wanted it that way. we know. she's dead, you remember. yes. arthur, we are paying for everything. do you understand that? do you understand that perhaps it was poor judgment to get the harpist and the doves and the t-shirt machine?! i knew it! i knew you would rub this in my face. how very small. your parents are a real piece of work! oh, don't blame us! you're the one who-- joe! zip it! everybody! everybody, please, just give me a few minutes alone, ok? please. of course, sweetheart. ok. we'll be waiting for you in the sanctuary. ok, mom. thanks. break a leg. thanks, dad. hey, seriously, man, i love the flask. oh, come on. bring it in. all right. you smell like vodka. there's a little bit in there, but i'm cool. i'm cool. oh. isn't this my room? no. it's-- it's my room. oh! you're not supposed to see me. no, no. wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! oh, my god, you... you look beautiful. i know. i really do, don't i? oh, my god, you're so lucky you're marrying me. i know. oh, listen, just to give you a heads-up, i changed the vows i wrote. what? yeah. i had all this stuff in there about how much i love you, blah blah blah. but i'm thinkin' i'm gonna go with the how-we-met- at-camp story. i wrote it all out. it's money. i don't know if i'm lovin' that story for our wedding. what? why not? it's a great story. i don't know. i mean, you're fallin', i'm chokin'. you know, it's very violent. we got kids out there, carr. i'm just sayin', i think you're better off goin' with the love-me, blah-blah-blah stuff. it'd be very touching. nah. i'm gonna stick with the camp thing. o-ok...you can't. what? why? what's the matter? it's just i don't think you should go changing our marriage vows 'cause of a stupid story. all right, doug, stop calling it stupid, ok? it's fate. it's a sign from god. danny: ♪ for so long ♪ you and me been findin' each other ♪ ♪ for so long... ♪ what the hell is that? ♪ and the feelin' that i feel for you is ♪ ♪ more than strong, girl ♪ ♪ take it from me... why is danny singing? it's his gift to us. ♪ love will turn the key... ♪ i just don't understand why you need a sign from god so badly. because, doug, gettin' married is scary, you know? you're supposed to just know if it's right, and... what better way to know than to have god actually tell you? ♪ watch it and see... what's he doing out there, andy gibb? ♪ if you give a little love... ♪ i'm just sayin', i don't think we need a sign to tell us that we're right for each other. but we have one anyway, right? we don't! we don't! what? it wasn't me, ok? i was at another camp that summer. i was at f-f-f- football camp. you didn't fall on me. you fell on danny. so, look, if you wanna marry me, you've gotta take a leap of faith. you know, no meant-to-bes, no destinies, no signs, no nothin'. it's me. it's just...me. and isn't that... all you need? [gagging] and now it's time for doug and carrie to share the vows that they've written for each other. carrie, we'll begin with you. um... you know what? i'll go first. ok. we'll begin with doug. [clears throat] "carrie, when i sat down to write these vows, "i was trying to think of how to express "exactly what you mean to me... "and i guess the best way to say it is... you're seconds." "allow me to... "explain. "it probably won't come as a surprise to you that i like to think of my life as a big, long meal." "all the great things that happened before i met you-- "my family, my friends, bruce springsteen, the mets-- "they were my first course. "but i was, as usual, still hungry." "and then i met you. "you are my seconds. "and i know it's hard to believe i'd stop at seconds, "but you're so great and i love you so much, i'm finally, totally full." i guess what i'm trying to say is, i love you... and... it's good to be with you, and good luck to you. thank you. and, now, carrie has some words that she'd like to share. oh... i'm an idiot. for the past couple days i convinced myself that... i needed a sign from god to marry you, but... i don't need that. my sign is... the way you make me laugh. my sign is the way you make me feel safe. my sign is the way i fit perfectly under your arm when we're on the couch. i know you can't be sure of anything in life, but looking at you now with your puppy-dog eyes and your shiny shoes that i know you can't wait to get out of, that we were meant to be together. may doug and carrie see long and happy days and be united forever in the kingdom of your glory. i now pronounce you husband and wife. you may kiss the bride. ♪ for so long ♪ you and me been findin' each other ♪ ♪ for so long ♪ ...what i feel for you is ♪ ♪ more than strong, girl ♪ ♪ take it from me ♪ if you give a little more than you're askin' for ♪ ♪ your love will turn the key ♪ ♪ darlin' mine ♪ i'm so lonely. ♪ i would wait forever ♪ warm up your home embracewith fall's finest. share all of your favorite t.j. finds... at a price worth posting. see the real deal. search hashtag maxxinista and see the brands people are scoring. t.j.maxx. with new quality ingredients. like angus beef, hickory ham, and our new buttery seasoned crusts. then...we add hot. because hot makes everything better. 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[ school bell rings ] >> [ humming ] >> hey, everybody. >> sorry we had to meet in here, but you know they're improving our teachers' lounge. >> they need to be improving our paychecks. [ laughter ] >> all right, everybody. let's get started. all right, first thing is we need more teachers to stay after school for detention. [ scattered groaning ] >> why? i didn't do nothing wrong. >> to tutor. >> what's little johnny gonna learn at 4:00 that he didn't learn at 2:15? [ laughter ] >> man, you crazy. >> i'm just saying, you know? >> any volunteers? oh, good. >> look, look, look, look. hmm? look good, don't it? >> it sure does. i just want to grab it. >> $5.00 say you won't. >> man, please. you ain't said nothing but a word. [ chuckles ] >> that ain't what i'm talking about, fool. >> then what was you talking about -- oh! >> "oh!" >> mmm! man, you must be out of your mind. >> i was out of my mind at her house last night. >> really? >> really. >> miss mitchell? >> miss mitchell showed me her lesson plan. brother got a 4.0. you heard me? >> i heard you loud and clear. player, player. oh, you dirty dog. >> who wasted sugar all over my desk? real funny, real funny. all right. ah, i need to go to the office to pick up the surveys. anybody need anything from the cafeteria? coffee, tea, home training? >> could you bring me back some sugar? >> how about you use that sugar you spilled all over my desk? >> punching me all hard and things. >> she got your number. >> oh, yeah. she knows me. >> she like you anyway, huh? you must be putting it down. >> oh, man, a gentleman never kisses and tells. >> you mean to tell me that y'all are not -- >> oh, no, no, no. no. i'm not saying that. um -- i-i do what needs to be done. >> ha! my man! >> excuse me, teachers, and i do use that very lightily. my keen eyes have been spotting a few things that's going on around this school here. >> huh! like your shirt's unbuttoned? [ both laugh ] >> "ha ha ha ha." [ imitates popeye laugh ] don't hate on me 'cause i'm too sexy for this shirt. i've been working in. but, anyway, get back on the subject. i've been spotting a few things that have been going on here that are contrary to what the contrary calls for. this is a no-smoking zone. there will be no smoking. you know who i'm talking to. i don't know why every time you come from break, you smell like smoke and meat. walking around smelling like smeat and looking like smut. speaking of smeat, uh -- mcfatty, i found these dice in your office. what you got to say about that? that's a 6-week suspension. >> man, i play board games with my players. it teaches us teamwork. pow! mmm! >> what you need to teach them is how to catch. pow! mmm! that's what you need to be teaching somebody. >> brown, why are you always trying to be so hard, man? >> you better get out my face! that's what you better -- boy, i started rolling. you don't know me. you new. who are you? and, anyway, i seen you drinking. [ sniffs ] you -- i seen you outside getting your drink on. you a calcoholic? you a calcoholic? >> that's an energy drink, you know? it keeps me in good spirits. heh heh! >> what? ain't no keeping no spirit up in no cam with that ugly sweater on, looking like you're looking. i'm gonna get on out of here. i ain't got time to babysit you heathens. i got to get to my real job where i make some real money. you need to come to church, little old fake el debarge. and i'd bring el delarge, too. you, him, and latoya. you ought to make y'all an r&b group. [ female announcer ] only degree antiperspirant has motionsense activated by your movement, the more you move the more it protects. ♪ do more. ♪ degree. it won't let you down. my turn daddy, my turn! hold it steady now. i know daddy. [ dad ] oh boy, fasten your seatbelts everybody. [ mixer whirring ] bounty select-a-size. it's the smaller powerful sheet, that acts like a big sheet. look! one select-a-size sheet of bounty is 50% more absorbent than a full size sheet of the leading ordinary brand. [ humming ] [ dad ] use less with the small but powerful picker upper. bounty select-a-size. and try bounty napkins. [ school bell rings ] >> oh! >> got the french teacher's home number and the cell number. >> oh! >> see, this is what you do. walk up to her, right? show a little bit of my swag -- tick! tick! tick! >> what is it? is it the... >> tick! tick! tick! they can't resist that. that's probably how you got cora, ain't it? >> no, no, no. cora's different. >> ah. yeah. them quiet ones be ladies in the streets and freaks in the sheets, right? heh heh heh! >> heh heh heh! oh! tick! tick! tick! >> reggie. reggie, move before you make me burn myself with this hot tea. >> oh, okay. man, that ticking crap don't work. >> all right, you guys. the school board wants us to complete these surveys on how we feel about teachers' re-certification. >> oh, that's easy. hate it. whoo! about to hit that 3. ah! >> stop showing off! sorry. do you have a pen? >> no. >> well, here. use mine. >> thank you. >> lord. >> she didn't get nobody else no pen. >> cora's just sweet like that. heh! >> and you got a nice smile, cora. >> well, thank you. i have a lot to smile about. >> i bet you do. heh heh heh! >> hey, hey, hey! shut up! >> don't hate the player, brother. hate the game. >> ooh, y'all just big kids. >> excuse me. excuse me. excuse me! >> derek, what are you doing?! if you wet my hair, you're gonna have to buy me some more. >> give me a break. it's my first day. >> well, if you don't want it to be your last, you better know the rules. and the rules are... oh, be on time, be nice to the patients, and never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever wake me when i'm on break -- or wet my hair. >> look, i'm just trying to do a good job, okay? because you never get a second chance to make a first impression. >> yes, you do, if you got your cousin's i.d. and social security number. >> derek, there you are, lofting on the job already. get somewhere and work. >> no, i-i was -- >> "i-i was --" nothing. now, i told you i did a lot to get you this job so you can get some extra money you say you needed. >> ooh, speaking of money, i can give you back that 50. >> shut up. give it here, then. okay, derek, this is a 10. >> well, i had to get gas and a haircut. >> i'm glad you didn't need to get nothing else. >> a-actually, i do. i need lunch money. >> you ain't good for nothing. anyway, let's get started. now, being a janitor takes years of hard work and dedication. so you need to be dedicated. so what you should do is follow me and do as i do. >> mr. b., i really appreciate this job. i already cleaned this counter. >> we'll see about that. boy, there's enough dirt on here to plant a potato! >> that's impossible! i cleaned that! >> with what, dirt? >> oh, would you guys take this noise down to i.c.u.? it's always so quiet down there. it's like they in a coma or something. >> okay, obviously i'm gonna have to teach you my ways.