a party? with people? i'm thinking with people. yes. yes. let's see. his birthday is on tuesday. maybe we can catch him off guard if we do it on sunday. sunday? no, no! you can't do it on sunday! it's my only day off this week 'cause i'm working saturday, remember? hey, do it saturday. doug, come on, you gotta be there. well, think about it! first of all, i don't wanna be there. and they don't want me there, you know? i'll start drinkin'. i'm an angry drunk. i'll pop someone! that's very nice, doug. you can't give up one lousy afternoon for a man who's turning 75? it's not that old. it is old! do you realize who was president when he was born? i can't spell lamb! doug! what are you still doing home? trying to enjoy my 2 minutes of weekend. well, i hope you did, 'cause they're over. now come on! you gotta get my father out of the house so i can start setting up. [sighs] fine. hey, guy, whatcha doin'? i'm watching this very interesting program. see, this young fellow screech has painted himself into quite a corner. listen, i was gonna go out and get a bite to eat, and i thought, hey! why not grab the man down under? so, uh... ya up for it? thank you. no. you know... thinking then maybe we'd swing by that skeeball place you li so much. whaddaya say? come on. passaroo. well, maybe we'll go to the bowling alley afterwards-- sweet mary, will you take a hint?! you know what? look, arthur, the thing this is, see, i--i, uh... i need you to, uh, come with me...on an errand. what errand? i have to pick something up. what? a, uh...um... a great big-- one of those, uh-- fish tank? yeah. we're gettin' fish? um, yeah. been thinking about it for quite a while, actually. i love fish! well, that's something we share! so you comin'? try and stop me! hey, did you know i had a trout farm before the war? nope. didn't know that. let me tell you, douglas. they're very delicate creatures. i learned that the hard way. oh, hey. where are you fellas off to? where do you think we're going? to get the new aquarium! you may have to get rid of the piano. this is-- this is great, huh? i thought we were getting an aquarium. we are, we are. i just thought, uh... we'd spend a little time just you and me first, you know? just the men, the boys, you know? no pesky women draggin' us down. i don't know where you're going with this, douglas but you're making me very uncomfortab. we're eating lunch, ok? hey, you like the buffet here, right? actually, i do. they got hot wings here that'll singe your short hairs right off. a little less hungry now, but ok. the meatballs are also marvelous. oh! and the brownies. wo outta this world! are you gentlemen ready to order? uh, yeah, yeah. i'm gonna go with the buffet. nothing for me, thanks. i thought you wanted the buffet. oh, i do. and i'll be having it. why are you winking at me? you just fall off the turnip truck? i'll tell you what i wanna eat. you slip it to me off your plate, and we walk outta here 6.99 richer. oh, boy. arthur, just let me pay for you. that's crazy! you're about to invest in a very expensive aquarium! it's ok, all right? i can take the hint. where's the waiter? douglas, i will not sit here and watch you spend like a madman just to impress me! see you at home. fine, fine, fine. look, we can share off my plate, all right? that's my boy. [sighs] all right, so... what do you want me to get first? just put whatever you want for yourself on one half of the plate, and the other half, load it up with beets! uh, dear? yes, mrs. hanley? i'm diabetic and i can't take any sugar. do you have any equal? oh, yes. it's right over there. oh, thank you so much. you're welcome. ! little carrie spooner. hi, mr. tepper. my, how the years fly by. it seems like only yesterday you were a gangly little kid, you know, with the pigtails and the braces. you remember that? worst years of my life. yes, i do. ha ha. and now look at you. you blossomed into a lovely young lady. oh, thank you so much. no, i mean it. you're gorgeous with that velvet skin and that tight little body. yeah, you're probably as limber as a cat. [doorbell rings] excuse me. thank you! oh, mr. glassman! hey! hi! carrie. it's good to see ya. oh, thank you for coming! are you kidding? ha! think i would miss a wonderful thing like this? wild horses couldn't keep-- who invited that miserable bastard?! screw you! ok. i'm ready for a tater tot. ah, ah, ah. [faking cough] do you really enjoy eating this way? yes, i do. now, under the guise of shaking hands, pass me a stuffed mushroom. this is where i throw you a no. come on, grease me! would you just-- do me a favor, take the plate. are you insane? the walls have eyes around here! oh, do they? well, then let's stop stealing, huh? why don't you shout it through a megaphone?! for god's sake, be discreet! i am being discreet, ok? you're the one with buffalo wing sauce all over your face. just take the plate! no. take it! no! excuse me. yes? are you also having the buffet, sir? how dare you make such an accusation! i fought for this country! yes. we have been sharing. here's $20 for 2 buffets. keep the change. thank you. hold it, fella. yes, sir. there was broken glass in this taco meat. no, no, there wasn't, ok? it's fine. everything's fine, ok? thank you very much. thank you. arthur, what is going on inside that head of yours? are there 2 wires that are touching that shouldn't be?! 'cause let me tell you, something is very, very wrong! i'm going to the bathroom. when i come back... be fixed! all right. just calm down, mr. glassman. have a cold drink. everything's gonna be fine. sure. you give a guy his first job, and he stabs you in the back! some first job, taking orders from that snot-nosed kid of yours! oh, that's why you did it-- to get even! i didn't do anything, you crazy old man! who's old? you're older! you're older than me! i am not! you are older than-- ok, enough! enough! let's just agree you're both old, ok? w, come on, at's the big deal here, huh? what, did he cheat you at gin rummy, huh? forget to return your power mower on time? what? he had sex with my wife! uh-huh. ok. that's significant. it's been 40 years, and he can't accept the fact that i did not do it! why would i? she looked like tony randall in a wig! she had to wear a wig. she had a condition. ok, guys, enough! now, look, doug is back with arthur, ok? he's your friend, and you want him to have a nice party, right? both: yeah, yeah. ok. so from now on, no me talk about who did or didn't do... your wife, all right? let's just smile and put all our energies into a nice, robust surprise, 'k? 'k? [murmuring] all righty. let's get ready. come on! come on! all: surprise! hey, how you doin'? hon, where is my father? i was hoping he came back here! no! why is he not with you? he got loose. i went to the bathroom for, like, 2 seconds, and when i came back to the table, he was gone! all he left was a note on his place mat. "dear douglas, i'd rather have a defective head "than a cold heart. so kiss me where the sun don't shine, and i don't mean london." that's all he wrote? no, he also did the connect-the-dots in the back. i do not see that's a candy cane. for god's sake, doug, why'd you have to get so mad at him?? i told you, he was acting like a maniac with his little buffet scheme! so you handshake him a few stuffed mushrooms. i've been doing it since i was a kid. oh, really? you know what, why stop there? why don't i just french kiss him jell-o? that'll be good. where you going? i am going to find him and bring him back. now, just stay here and keep the party alive. it's a little late for that. i should be back within an hour, assuming he's at one of his usual hangouts. well, he's not at o.t.b or nude nudes. thanks. hey, how you doing there? hi, how's it going? hey, how's everybody doing? anybody need anything? no? all right, great. i'm just gonna turn on the tv here. you guys keep talking about the old times, how everything used to cost a nickel and whatnot. you carrie's husband? yeah. yes, i am. any of your friends ever have sex with her? don't start up again, you sick, paranoid bastard! you are gonna rot in hell! whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, guys! knicks are down by 4! dad? uh, excuse me, is there an arthur spooner in there? arthur: no. now shut the door! i know that's you, dad. i'm not dad. my name is mr. wong. i'm an importer of silk! dad, please don't be mr. wong right now. come on. i really want you to come home. oh, do y well, your husband clearly doesn't feel the same way! dad, would you listen to me? hi. how you doin'? doug is very sorry for what he said. well, sorry doesn't pay the butcher! now shut the door! don't you go near my car, glassman! don't you-- oh, my god! you are an animal! all right. all right! 2 can play at that game! hey, doug. do you happen to own a sledge hammer? in the garage. thank you. hey, tepper! thanks for leaving your top down. made my job a lot easier. ha ha ha ha! you just bought yourself a date with my fist! oh, come on. gimme your best shot! oh, you'll get it! you'll get my best shot, all right! come on, come on, bring it on! it's comin'! it's comin' special delivery! i'll be at home to sign for it. either fight or nap! yosee... what doug meant was... your brain is like a computer, you know, very--very intricate. and--and complex. and if something was to go wrong inside of it, then that would make him...sad. don't try to sugar-coat this, darling. he clearly despises me. oh, that is so not the case! he took you to lunch. that proves he likes you, right? no. it proves he needed someone to hold up the other end of a fish tank! for god's sakes, could you stop being so selfish? the reason doug took you out today was because we're having a surprise party for you. a surprise party? really? yes. way to ruin it! ok, now, guys, i'd really like to settle this before the fourth quarter starts. carl...did you or did you not sleep with herb's wife? i did not! well, there you go. case closed. feels good, doesn't it? it was him! i got a witness. who's your wness? ah, ah, ah! all right, herb. who is your witness? arthur spooner. oh, yeah! he said he saw carl tepper sneakin' outta my house at 2 a.m.! that's impossible! i was workin' the night shift! oh, really? he told me he saw you with my wife at the concord hotel and inside a bungalow at ocean city! i never been to those places! ha ha! oh, please, please! i'm just lucky that every time my wife was unfaithful, arthur was there! ♪ happy birthday, dear arthur ♪ ♪ happy birthday ♪ to you now, remember. no one thinks you know about the party, so make sure you act surprised, ok? don't you worry. i do a wonderful fake heart attack! yeah, i know. i remember from our wedding. all right. now, dad, i'm just gonna run in and make sure everybody's set to surprise you and sing happy birthday and all that, ok? darling, wait. what? i've given this a lot of thought, and i decided i'd preffor he's a jolly good fellow uh...that's-- that's fine. i'll be right back. [game playing on tv] what's goin' on? where is everybody? i sent them home. what? why do you keep losing people? back it down, all right? i just saved your father from being hollowed out by an angry mob. what are you talking about? let's just say we finally got to the bottom of who nailed marian glassman. oh, my god. my father? yep. and he blamed it on the other guy. that's our birthday boy. where is he? he's right outside! so bring him in. i can't! he thinks there's a surprise party waiting for him. why did you tell him about it? it was the only way i could get him to come home. [breathlessly] this is such an honor! a man is nothing without friends! [imperiously] this is such an honor. a man is nothing without friends! what are we gonna do? what are we gonna do? should we call some neighbors, have 'em come in the back door? no. they're all much younger than him. and he's suing most of 'em. ok, ok. hey, hey, how about that soft yogurt place at the mall? you ever see that place? it's like a sea of gray! feel like saying anything helpful? hey, i don't hear you tossing out any gems. sorry. it's just that i cannot bring that man in here without a fricking surprise party. it'll kill him! so what do we do? i don't know! think! [humming for he's jolly good fellow] ♪ which nobody can deny ♪ with new quality ingredients. like angus beef, hickory ham, and our new buttery seasoned crusts. then...we add hot. because hot makes everything better. [ female announcer ] better taste. better quality. [ ding! ] ♪ hot pockets! 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"hey, boy, what you doing?" that's your daddy hollering. >> hey, cora? >> yes? >> can you do us a favor? >> sure, what you need? >> can you turn the volume up? >> what happened to the remote? >> it's all the way over there. >> why couldn't one of you guys just pick the remote up? >> cora, all of that yappin' you doing, you could have done got the remote by now. just get the remote. cora, you--ow. cora, you almost hit my spleen. >> i'm so sorry, mr. brown. i was aiming for your head. >> hey, you just mean. >> all right, guys. okay, here you go. >> oh, good. >> thank you, thank you. >> okay--are your hands clean? >> oh. well, now you're right. i just--hold on. let me get them--then you--that's how you dry. >> okay, do you two know how nasty it is to wipe your hands on your own shirt? >> you got it? okay. >> cora, are you ready? >> yes, i'm ready. just let me get my purse. then we can go. >> where are you all going? >> we're going to the cleaners and then to the post office. >> mm-hmm. then i got to get your shoes out of the repair shop, run to the bank, and then go to the hospital. >> oh, while you're out, stop by the bakery and get me some doughnuts. i want them eclairs. get me some eclairs. i like them. >> mr. brown, you need doughnuts like you need suntanning lotion. >> cora, don't make me take you on my knee and spank you. >> what? >> oh, while you're out, can you stop by the thrift store and pick up my albino ant skin boots? >> what? >> you know, mr. brown, we are not your maids, you know. >> oh, you know what? honey, i'm sorry. we were being very insensitive. >> yes, we were. >> oh, thank you, baby. >> oh, no problem. all that stuff we asked you to do today-- >> oh. >> you can do that tomorrow. >> stop and get some eclair doughnuts. be dismissed. goodbye. yeah, yeah. >> get some with jelly on the inside. >> yes. >> eclair. and jimmies, the sprinkles. >> oh, nephew, i think your daddy-- >> oh! >> what the what? you scared me. i started busting your head with your daddy. 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[ peggy ] grab viva and break the rules on all your tough messes. this is what they do for fun. causing dark marks to become visible. dove has the effective solution. dove® cleartone™ anti-perspirant. the result? underarms with visibly reduced dark marks and an even tone. try dove cleartone. >> and who--who ate the last of my prunes? i told 'em, stay out of my prunes! i hope they go through them. and, also, get me some cheese for my lunch. yeah, and this time, get me some real cheese, 'cause that imitation stuff be tearing my stomach up! get real cheese. >> note to self at lunchtime-- "avoid the brown bomber." >> hey, derek. what's up? what are you doing? >> oh, i'm going shopping for mr. b. >> uh, why is derek doing the grocery shopping? >> well, since he eat here more than we do, i--he just agreed to go ahead and do our shopping for us. >> oh. >> i never agreed. >> if you want to keep eating here, you will. >> all right. so, i got a pair of slippers-- >> yes. >> cheese-- >> real cheese. >> popsicles, breads...curl activator? >> you didn't hear the pastor when he was preaching? he said, "speak those things that are not as though they already are." and i'm speaking hair into my life. that's what's wrong with you. you don't have no faith. you have got to believe that if you want to be activated, you must apply activator. that is what the spirit is telling me--"activate your hair! activate your hair! activate!" >> i don't know why he's paying you. the store delivers for free. >> shh. see? there you go, cutting out the middle man. no wonder our economy is so screwed up. >> it's cool. i won't tell if you put some cherry lip gloss on that list. >> or i can tell will and sasha i saw you at club temptation last night. >> you didn't see me. i was in bed. >> uh, no, you was in v.i.p., pop, lock, and dropping it. >> shut up. shut up, stupid. don't you have to be 21 to get in that place? >> that's right, you do. >> okay, so it couldn't have been me. case closed. >> all right, well, then you didn't see that guy last night who fell trying to do the funky chicken. >> what guy are you talking about? it was a girl. she looked...stupid. >> busted. how'd you get in that club, anyway? >> i parachuted myself in. what do you think? i got a fake i.d. >> let me see it. give me that. i'll give this back to you when you're 21. >> hey. who do you think you are, my father? >> no, your father is that big dude who's gonna break my neck if he knows that i knew about this. get down from there, you little chimpanzee, all right? if i see you in the club again, i'm telling on your underage butt. stay out of the club, l'il bit. >> stay out of our house! ugh. that's okay, i can get another card and be rihanna in two days. [phone rings] [brianna sighs] hello? hey, gary. yeah, i remember, from the club last night. i would love to get together. [will burps] >> i-de-clare-war-on-you! >> draw 4. >> how you going to draw 4? >> what's wrong with my kitchen? what is all of this mess? >> hey, what's up, cuz? baby, um, what's for dinner? >> i'm sorry. did you just ask me about my day? >> no. >> well, it was long and exhausting. your shoes weren't ready, the bank had a long line, then, when i went to the hospital, there were two nurses out sick. one of the departments failed their audit. and i caught renee flirting with a coma patient. thank you for asking. >> this mean you're upset? >> so, where's dinner? >> can't you feed yourselves? >> cora, we slaved over a hot microwave for a minute and 30 seconds. cora, that's--that's torture. >> mr. brown, what did you make? >> a hot mess. look at my--look at my microwave. just nasty. that is ridiculous! >> will did that. >> love, honey, can you all help us clean it up? >> no, we can't help you clean it up. we have jobs, too. and then we have to come home and take care of grown folk! >> girl, you are--cora, i know you upset, but it ain't gonna take you that long to clean up them dishes. >> what? >> that ain't but 3, 4, 5--it ain't but 20 dishes, and you'll have it done by the time you cook dinner. >> but--what-- >> where's the roast i asked you to get from the store? >> yes, where's the roast? >> i sent derek to the store. >> and why didn't he get it? >> yeah, why didn't he get it? >> i told him to get the slippers and get me the hair