So, yesterday was the second president ial debate and like all sequels it left you wondering why do they keep making these, detail bait was overshadowed by donalds hot mick video on friday. Donald trump believes if youre a star you can grab women by the, um, i would never let donald trump touch you. There you go. By the way, i dont think thats what Donald Trumps advisors meant when they told him to reach out to women. It was a really disturbing week even, especially for parents who had to sit down and explain to their kids who billie bush was. Unlike the first debate when the two candidates met there was no happened shake. In Hillary Clintons defense she now knows where that hand has been. Trump immediately doubled down in his most memorable moments [sniffing. ] okay, so they clearly changed trumps debate prep. He seems to be on much stronger coke this time. And right out of the gate trump let everybody know that his comments to billy bush had a simple explanation. This was locker room talk. Im not proud of it. I apologized to my family, apologize to the american people. Certainly im not proud of it but this is locker room talk. Stephen by the way, what gym does donald trump belong to. In my locker room were just trying to avoid eye contact and gently encourage old manual es to put on a old man wallace to put on a town. It was threatening. If i win im going to instruct my attorney general to get a special prosecutor to look into your situation because there has never been anything like it and were going to have a special prosecutor. Its just awfully good that someone with the temperament of donald trump would be in charge of our country. Because you would be in jail. Stephen its a nice line, youll go to jail then but its not true because hillarys got a lot of friends on wall street and those people never go to diswrail. Diswrail jail. When dropped brought up clintons past infidelities, hillary had her response ready. When i hear stuff like that im reminded what my friend Michelle Obama advised us all, when they go low, you go high. Stephen i dont know. If i thought trump going low, i would cover my crotch. One of the biggest moments of the night was when trump took it hard to his opponent mike pence. I want to remind you what your running mate said. Military force to strike the military targets of the assad regime. He and i havent spoken and i disagree. Stephen so trump hasnt spoken to mike pence but i really think he should reach out soon because im pretty sure at this point mike pen is an undecided voter. It looks like there are no up lifting moments, a hero rose from the ashes. One more question from ken bone. Stephen ken bone, yes. America just got an express ticket to ken bone, ken bone taking command of the microphone . Felt alone on to the scene walk ken ben . Kenneth bone. Face the candidates with nerves with a confident voice he began to intone. Reminding environmentally friendly and minimizing plant loss for fossil workers. Stephen ken bone. After a ride on the bone wagon there was only one more question. My question to both of you is, regardless of the current rhetoric, would either of you name one positive thing that you respect in one another. Stephen trump always has plannity oplenty of particula t. I respect his children. His children are incredibly able and devoted and i think that says a lot about donald. Stephen in other words her favorite thing about him is five other people. People said that Hillary Clinton should have been tougher on donald trump, that she was too sweet. Landing on her. That was weird to see flies landing on her when she was standing so close to a giant pile of [bleep] well thats it for the home show. I hope you enjoyed it. If youll excuse me, ive got to get back to my day off. Its the late show with Stephen Colbert tonight, stephen welcomes amy schumer, Omari Hardwick, and Michaela Watkins, featuring jon batiste and stay human. Theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause . Captioning sponsored by cbs stephen hey whoa cheers and applause . Thank you welcome to the late show, thank you so much audience chanting stephen nice to see you cheers and applause . Thanks so much hey, everybody hey thats nice, thank you welcome to the late show, everybody. Thank you so much. applause oh, what a lovely crowd. I got to tell you, im Stephen Colbert. Im happy to tell you that. I want to tell you that. And it is great to be back after a twoweek break, and i just want to start out by saying one simple thing, u. S. A. Number one cheers and applause u. S. A. u. S. A. u. S. A. u. S. A. u. S. A. u. S. A. thank you very much why are we chanting . Because america just dominated the 2016 olympics cheers and applause yeah thats right, we killed it. The olympics of course, are a time that the whole world comes together and competes in the spirit of brotherhood and goodwill, so let me be the first to say suck it, world cheers and applause suck it, suck it in record time we got 121 medals and im not surprised. United states, i cant remember which channel, and from what i saw, apparently, only americans competed. Americans, and usain bolt. Of course. Hes an honorary american at this point, i think, because really, lets face it, jamaica is basically tropical colorado. laughter not only did america lead in the overall medal count, we also won silver medals, and the most bronze medals. Which means were not only number one, were also number one at being two and three cheers and applause were number six i think. I think thats math. And the majority of those american medals were won by female athletes. cheers and applause thats nice. So, i just want to say to all the boys out there, the next time somebody on the playground says you throw like a girl, you say thank you. cheers and applause now over two dozen of those medals were won by African American women, and on twitter people celebrated that fact with which i guess was easier than typing hashtag blackgirlhardworkanddedication. I dont know. laughter here to check out japanese pole vaulter hiroki ogitas failed attempt at qualifying. He goes up, hits the bar with his leg, still, looks like its going to be fine, and coming down. Boom he knocks the bar off with a clunk is oh my god. There it is. Oh, that poor man. Can you imagine . Just think, for the rest of his life, hell have to tell everyone, yeah, i went to the olympics, but i didnt win gold because my bleep is too big. laughter applause what are you gonna do . What are you gonna do . laughter say hi to jon batiste and stay human band playing cheers and applause as i said before, you know, the late show was off for two weeks, we were in reruns, but donald trump still had original episodes the entire time. laughter so lets catch up right now, in tonights report what donald trump did on my summer vacation. laughter now, before i dive in, ive got to be careful here. Im not used to taking a two week dose of trump in one segment. Hes like arsenic. Everyday so he doesnt kill you. Now, while i was away, trump did something ive never seen before he tried to appeal to someone. In fact, this was his pitch to black voters over the weekend tonight im asking for the vote of every single African American citizen in this country who wants to see a better future. Look how much African American communities have suffered under democratic control. To those i say the following, what do you have to lose by trying something new like trump . Youre living in poverty, your schools are no good, you have no jobs, 58 of your youth is unemployed. What the hell do you have to lose . audience reacts booing hes a people person. laughter very appealing. Very appealing . Jon yeah, ill definitely vote for that guy. applause stephen you see, youre open minded. Thank you jon. Thank you for staying open minded. Yes, black people, as far as donald trump knows, youre all youre unemployed, your last meal was im going to say a football with the word turkey written on it, so take a chance what have you got to lose . Its all summed up in trumps new slogan youre already on fire, so you may as well shoot yourself in the head. Now laughter applause thats a new game. I like that. Now, this is going to be a bit this is true, among black voters, in a twoperson race, trump is in fourth place. laughter thats like coming in third at solitaire. laughter plus plus, last week, Trumps Campaign chairman, and joe pesci corpse double, paul manafort, resigned after ukraines Anti Corruption bureau revealed that he may have received 12 million in undisclosed payments from ukraines previous proputin government. I dont know why this was undisclosed. If someone gave me 12 million, id be at the bar saying, hey, guess who Just Got Paid 12 million . Oh, and by the way, you want to know why i didnt win gold in the pole vault . laughter applause so, with manafort out, trump was forced to bring in a new trump wrangler Breitbart News chief and lesbian haircut model steve bannon. Now, if you havent heard of Breitbart News, that means you do not have a racist uncle on facebook. laughter bannon is kn political brawler. According to one former spokesperson for breitbart he is someone who is prone to profanitylaced tirades at all hours of the night. Which is a refreshing change of pace from donald trump, who likes to go to bed early. And bannon has a bold new direction for the campaign, because bannon has convinced trump that the rest of the Campaign Needs to be bare knuckles brawl with huge rallies. Gloves off. Thats right. Is behind in the polls is that hes been too civil, and now the gloves are off. The tiny, tiny gloves. laughter cheers and applause by the way im fairly confident donald trump would have no trouble with the pole vault. Well be right back with amy schumer. . . . cheers and applause . Every time i travel, its the moments that are most rewarding. Because youll never forget them. The new marriott portfolio of hotels now has 30 brands in over 110 countries. So no matter where you go, you are here. Like i couldnt be the father that i wanted to be. Now i use depend. 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Mercedesbenz. cheers and applause everybody cheers and applause my first guest tonight my first guest tonight is a brilliant comedian and now the author of her highly anticipated book the girl with the lower back tattoo. Please welcome the great amy schumer band playing cheers and applause come on i love the band stephen theyre the best band. I love you, i love the band. Stephen i feel the same way, in my darkest moments. Oh, wow. Stephen congratulations on the new book, the girl with the lower back tattoo. I wrote a book. You wrote a good book, not just a book. Nobody thought i could read. laughter stephen thank you for being here, because i understand youre feeling a little under the weather, thanks for being here. Why, just because im winded from walking 20 feet . Stephen its the altitude, its two steps up. Is it hot in here . Yeah, i just finished filming a movie, i was in hawaii all summer, with goldie hawn. cheers and applause hello such a rough life. Stephen thats the part were supposed to be sympathetic about, that you spent the summer in hawaii . Yeah, i got really sick there. I got bronchitis, and i was in the hospital so we had to stop shooting. Stephen you went to the hospital . You know it stephen like fluids and stuff like that . My sister and i were laughing so hard. They kept coming in. They were taking all this blood, and we just kept laughing, all the time and they kept having to take more. It was just rock bottom and, so, i couldnt speak, and i coughed so hard being able to speak. I know, it turns out, i thought the gold was just this, but it turns out its more im, like, ariel, you have to hear my voice. But i coughed so hard i fractured my own ribs. So that still kind of smarts. Stephen do you want a little hot tea or Something Like that . Would you mind . Thats exactly what i want. Thank you. Selfpromotion. Stephen a little bit. All you guys are the same. Sph thats so nice. Thank you. Stephen did you get to enjoy the islands . What island were you on . Honolulu, oahu i dont know, there was a palm tree. laughter i was sick the whole time. First of all, im from here, so i like to sit and not move. Stephen yeah. And everyone hikes there. Like, everyone hikes every day. Stephen theyre so healthy. Cats, you will see on a hike. laughter i went hiking and somebody said, on your left it was, like, a baby in a diaper blowing past me. laughter stephen did you go to kauai . Because its like the grand canyon of i was too sick. I was bedridden. Stephen i went hiking on hawaii on my honeymoon and i was humiliated, because we walked down into a canyon and i couldnt get out. laughter you couldnt get out. Stephen i thought, thats it for me, no sex for me on my honeymoon. I cant climb up a hill. It was a little emasculating. It was like 127 hours, but nothing was wrong with you. Stephen i felt like cutting off my own arm by the end of it. What a great way to start a marriage. Stephen yeah. Hawaii didnt totally agree with me. They would hike under any circumstances. You and i which are stopped easily. I remember, it was really muddy and i asked someone and they muddy at the top . They were, like, yes, but also there are bees up there. laughter nothing slows them down. Stephen dont drink the water. It has leprosy in it. Somethings wrong. Stephen you know what i want to get to, the last time i saw you, we were at the fanciest thing possible, we went to the met gala. We went to the met gala. Stephen look at this, this is you. cheers and applause oh, my gosh. Stephen thats all safety pins. In the front. Those were a necessity. Stephen yeah, in case somebody needed to change a babys diaper really quickly. I look like ben roethlisberger. Stephen no, you look beautiful. Alexander wang. Stephen and you had a big night. Who is that . Me and beyonce, my best friend. cheers and applause wow. I saw this picture and i really wanted to post it but i didnt because can you zoom in on my face . Witchs profile. I am a witch, and i have no idea. But, yes. I got to meet bey. Stephen you look beautiful. She got to meet you. No. applause stephen weve got to take a little break, but well be right back with more amy schumer . . . cheers and applause 3, 2, 1 [whispered rocket] youre acting so funny, whats wrong, billy . Are they contagious . I dont think so. Contract the rainbow taste the rainbow i tried hard to quit smoking. But when we brought our daughter home, that was it. Now i have nicoderm cq. The nicoderm cq patch with unique extended release Technology Helps prevent your urge to smoke all day. Its the best thing that ever happened to me. Every great why needs a great how. Can a toothpaste do everything well . This clean was like pow it added this other level of clean to it. My teeth are glowing. They are so white. 6x whitening i actually really like the 2 steps. Step 1, cleans. Step 2, whitens. Every time i used this together, it felt like leaving the dentist office. Crest hd. 6x cleaning , 6x whitening i would switch to crest hd over what i was using before. cheers and applause . . . Stephen welcome back, everybody cheers and applause . Were here with our friend amy schumer. Amy, congrats again on the book, the girl with the lower back tattoo. A classic. Stephen theres actually the lower back tattoo right there. There it is. Thats nice. Have you ever heard a quieter audience . laughter now, i was 18 this is a huge regret. Stephen why is it a regret . I could have got rid of it, but im, like, no, i did this to every vacation i go on, im in a bikini, oh, good, theres trash here. People know. You cant hide. Stephen you never see it unless you get a threeway mirror. Threeway something. Look, people see it. laughter stephen these are true, personal stories about your life in here. Even diary entries from when you were younger. Yeah. Stephen you say youre an introvert in here. Right. Stephen how can you be an introvert and still play huge well, actually, its a great way being a performer is great, because you perform. But look, youre alone up here. You can feel that, right . Stephen yeah. Youre alone. Stephen very lonely. People come in, there is a performance and then you dont have to see them anymore. Im on stage, yapping, then in my hotel room by myself. It seems strange but i am a classic introvert. Yeah. Stephen they are emotionally available people. Are you guys like me . Like, i dont like to talk to anyone. Even if i see someone i like at the gym, im, like, oh, god. Its like you want to recharge and be alone. Stephen do you want to be with people totally on your own terms, like, just stand over there, i eventually might come talk to you if my need, my loneliness becomes great enough. Have you been talking to my boyfriend . Stephen you do have a boyfriend. I saw photos of you and your boyfriend canoodling in bed on instagram. I was honestly telling him about some jokes i had been writing and he fell asleep. Stephen thats a really lonely feeling. You also talk about being out on the road, living the life of a standup, which i never did. I was in improv troupes but i never did standup. Whats that like to be out on the road . If youre a guy, it seems fun because you get laid. laughter look at the band im sure theyre all married now. Stephen theyre just shy. Yeah, i dont think so. Stephen youre a girl, it embarrasses them. The standup bassist, somethings going on with him. Trust me. He has an energy. He has an energy. laughter stephen you have a boyfriend. Sorry. Good point. So, you know, yeah, im an introvert. So i dont know why that was supposed to be a defense for why i woul h stephen yeah. So, yeah, the road sucks. What was the question . laughter stephen the question was how are you feeling now. Has the fever kicked in . Im still not at 100 , thats the truth. But im so