And featuring the legendary roots crew. Questlove 714 anaheim steve and now, here he is, jimmy fallon [ cheers and applause ] jimmy wow [ cheers and applause ] i feel the love right there. Thank you very much. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Welcome to the tonight show, everybody. This is it. [ cheers and applause ] youre here at the tonight show im so we have a great crowd. Good show tonight. Heres what everyones talking about. Its still this its this crazy interview that Trumps Communications director Anthony Scaramucci gave to the new yorker. I guess he called the reporter to lash out. Thats what you do when you feel like lashing out, you call a reporter steve call the new yorker. Jimmy yeah, yeah. And he he wanted to talk about Reince Priebus and steve bannon. He forgot to ask that the conversation be off the record. [ light laughter ] so they just printed what he said. [ laughter ] but on the bright side, it looks like he just found his First White House leaker. Steve yeah [ laughter and applause ] jimmy he was the one doing it and get this, now its reported that in private, Anthony Scaramucci has called Reince Priebus, reince penis. [ laughter ] which still somehow sounds less dirty than Reince Priebus. Doesnt it a little bit . [ laughter and applause ] i dont know if i dont know what a priebus is. Listen to this guys. I read that Trumps Administration is going to start cracking down on marijuana users and will be linking weed to violent crime. [ audience boo ] trump isnt messing around. Today he announced plans to build a wall around colorado. [ laughter and applause ] steve wall. Jimmy not messing around. Wall. The other day trump bragged about winning the election to a a group of children. [ light laughter ] marking the second time hes done that this week. [ laughter and applause ] the boy scouts, now this. Trump is actually doing a lot to appeal to kids lately. He even released his very own album of children songs. Take a look listen to this. The makers of kidz bop are proud to introduce their newest album, prez bop. All your favorite children songs, sung by president trump. Including classics like the hokey pokey. You put your right hand in you put your right hand out and your hand is like so big it barely even fits [ laughter ] and the yellow polkadot bikini. She wore an itsy bitsy teeny weenie yellow polka dot covfefe [ laughter ] prez bop. Available now for 19. 95. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy yellow polka dot covfefe. Steve covfefe. Jimmy heres some heres some good news. I just heard that walmart Just Announced a plan to credit 1. 5 million news jobs in the u. S. [ cheers and applause ] the jobs will be to steal peoples amazon packages off their front steps so they start shopping at walmart again. Thats [ applause ] did you hear about this . Researchers at mit are working on a Computer System that that can look at a picture of food, then instantly tell you the recipe. [ audience oh ] thats kind of cool. It actually works pretty well, we got a little test over at the show. Steve really . Jimmy so yeah so like for example, if you take a a photo of a chipotle burrito steve uhhuh. Jimmy it says, place grilled steak, rice, salsa and cheese in tortilla. And then garnish with norovirus. Steve wow [ laughter and applause ] jimmy they know how to do it. Steve they know how to do it. Jimmy straight from the photo. Next up, if you take a photo of a starbucks ham egg and cheese sandwich, it says, place ham egg and cheese on an english muffin. And then let it age for 69 months in a refrigerated display case. Steve wow. [ laughter and applause ] jimmy not ready yet. Almost there, patience. Next up, if you go to a 711, you take a photo of the 44 ounce cotton candy slurpee. It says, place three cups of ice, corn syrup and cotton candy in a blender. Then mix for sixty seconds. Then look in a mirror so you can see what rock bottom looks like. [ laughter and applause ] 44 ounces. Steve thats all. Jimmy 44. 44 ounce ounces of slurpee. Steve yeah, yeah, like a a third of a gallon. [ light laughter ] jimmy and you dont want it to melt. You have to drink it pretty fast. Steve no, you have to drink the whole thing fast. Jimmy because its ice. Steve yeah. Jimmy you got to slurp it down. Steve you gotta chug it down jimmy 44 ounces. Steve and you go straight for a shot of insulin. [ laughter ] jimmy finally, if you take a photo of a trump steak, it says, remove from packaging, then pan fry for thirty minutes until charred through. Then, smother in ketchup and russian dressing, but never mention the russian dressing. [ laughter and applause ] thats straight straight from the photo. Steve its from the photo. [ applause ] russia. Jimmy hey, listen to this. I read about a Wildlife Center in oregon that will let you have a sleepover with some sloths for 1,000. [ cheers ] yeah, gets awkward though in the morning when the sloth goes, just leave the money on the dresser. [ laughter and applause ] its a living. And finally, this is pretty funny. A man in the u. K. Was Live Streaming a video game he was playing when he was startled by something else. But take a look, watch. [ scream ] are you okay . Oh [ laughter and applause ] jimmy i think after that, he might need to be changed. We have a great show tonight. Give it up for the roots. [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy aw, thank you very much for that. We have a fantastic show tonight. Steve this is the show jimmy i really love i love all the guests. Theyre all funny. Theyre all interesting. Theyre all great. We love this guy. The one and only, david spade is on the show tonight. Steve come on [ cheers and applause ] jimmy doesnt get better. Steve funny dude, funny dude. Jimmy hes so funny i just love we ran into him when we were out in l. A. , i forget when that was. But we ran into him at that party and i just followed him around the party, because he was so funny. He was like on fire that night. And i just followed him around. I was like, hey, whats up, david . And hes like, yeah, i just talked to you. Like please like i kept following him around. It was like i love the guy so much. Plus, from Vicelands Desus mero, desus mero are on the show tonight steve oh [ cheers and applause ] jimmy desus mero theyre great. Really funny. And then we just love these guys so much. I love magic, i love everything they do. They also have great senses of humor. Penn just put out this book, presto, here. Its now on paperback here how he lost 100 pounds. But theyre always thinking of something new, or a new way to do something that no one has ever done. Its always Something Different and its visual, its a a spectacle. I love them. They always just they bring the goods. Penn teller are dropping by tonight. [ cheers and applause ] steve yeah jimmy theyre performing a a magic trick later in the show that you do not want to miss. Its good. Guys, sometimes it feels like theres nothing but bad news out there. Well, we here at the tonight show have decided to do something about that. So we asked real, local nbc news anchors from all around the country to read stories that we wish were true. Stories that make us feel happy. Ill show you what i mean in tonights installment of ive got good news and good news. [ cheers and applause ] ive got good news got good news ive got good news, yeah in politics, congress is going on recess next week. And yes, i do mean that kind of recess. Nancy pelosi and marco rubio called dibs on the tether ball court. It has just been announced that the Dow Jones Industrial average, fast food chain chikfila, and rapper bow wow are all teaming up to form the dow chicka bow wow. [ laughter ] a new study finds that its totally cool, bro. No worries, cause its all good. We cool, we cool. We good, baby. All good. All good. Temperatures are reaching an alltime high this week and forecasters confirm its because you lookin real hot. Yowza [ cheers ] this just in my voice sounds like this now. You know how you make plans with your friend, but now you dont really feel like going out . And if you cancel again, youll seem like a total flake . Well, get this, your friend just cancelled. Isnt that the best . [ scattered cheers ] this. Just. In. What. Were. Doing. Is. Cool. Tonights winning powerball numbers whatever your ticket says. [ cheers and applause ] and the powerball, four. And finally tonight knock, knock. Whos there . Boo. Boowho . Whyre you crying, its only a a joke but you know whats not a joke . My respect for you. It goes on forever. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy doesnt that make you feel better . Isnt that great . Thats such a good delivery. Steve come on jimmy well be right back with some thank you notes after the break. Come on back, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] the rock hey siri, read my schedule. [siri tone] [crash] [tires squeal] rock. [siri tone] merci, gimme some. Hey siri, take a selfie. [siri tone] [siri tone] [crunch] yeah [slap] [slap] [punch] [crunch] [laughs] you have a side that is retired playing tag and gettin tired. You have a side that saves for their tuition. But right now it looks like bedtime is the mission. A side that owns your own store. Looks like you need to expand some more. Thats why theres nationwide. They help protect and grow your many sides. Nationwide is on your side. [ cheers and applause ] p jimmy welcome back, everybody. Now, today today is friday. And thats usually when i catch up with some personal stuff. You know, i check my inbox, return some emails and, of course, i write out some thank you notes. [ cheers and applause ] and i was just i was just running a bit behind so i thought if you guys wouldnt mind, id like to write out my weekly thank you notes right now. Is that cool with you guys . [ cheers and applause ] p you guys are my best friends. You guys are my best friends. Hey, james, how are you doing, man . James, can i get some [ light laughter ] you got any big plans for the weekend . [ light laughter ] james, can i get some thank you note writing music, please . [ light laughter ] steve mr. Trousseau called. Jimmy yeah. Hes really in such a good mood, huh . [ laughter ] thank you, mel from the emoji movie for looking like donald trump after someone takes away his iphone. [ laughter and applause ] covfefe. What a bunch of covfefe, which guy just [ laughter ] what a bunch of covfefe. Let me please help you with covfefe. [ laughter ] i want to [ laughter ] come be before muffin. I want a break. Sounds like youre special. [ laughter ] [ indiscernible ] [ laughter ] steve im the president of your country. [ laughter ] what . What is going on. Jimmy what is going on . This is gorgeous. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy thank you new white house Communications DirectorAnthony Scaramucci for letting us know what it would look like if a ken doll grew up on the jersey shore. [ laughter and applause ] steve ooh. Hey. Hey, oh. Ive forgotten about it. [ indiscernible ] [ laughter ] jimmy oh, imagine that. Steve woah [ light laughter ] jimmy thank you, wearing apple air pods, for it making it look like someone put their marlboro light out in my ear. [ laughter and applause ] so ugly looking. Theyre so ugly looking. They work. Steve they work great, i hear. Jimmy theyre great headphones. Dont get me wrong. Steve i might as well just throw mine away if i buy them, though. Jimmy why . Steve because ill lose them instantly. Jimmy you dont though. You end up not losing. Steve i lost that apple pencil about 1,000 times. [ light laughter ] jimmy i lost that, too, yeah. I had that for a little bit. Steve i went, oh, wheres my thermometer. You know . [ laughter and applause ] instead i found it later. Jimmy thank you, squirrels, for always looking like someones going through your browser history. [ laughter and applause ] i got attacked by a squirrel once. [ light laughter ] steve did you really . Jimmy yeah. Steve thats nuts. Jimmy well, maybe it had like ra [ laughter and applause ] thank you, styrofoam coolers for keeping my food cold for 30 minutes and then turning into a a kiddie pool for sandwiches. [ laughter and applause ] thank you, getting a text that says bahahahah. [ light laughter ] for making it feel like im friends with a sheep who learned how to use a phone. [ laughter and applause ] thank you Adirondack Chairs for making the process of getting up feel like im doing cross fits. [ laughter and applause ] steve a little help. A little help. A little help here. Jimmy thank you, swimming nose clips, for making everyone in the pool look like lord voldemort. [ laughter ] there you guys have it right there. Those are my thank you notes. Well be right back with david spade [ cheers and applause ] all 10 seasons in one sitting. That was amazing. The ceiling is all spider webs. We missed grandpas 99th birthday. Im actively trying to stand up right now. And his funeral. Oh i have a beard. Oh a chip. laughter Binge Watching isnt always rewarding. But hotels. Com is. Thanks captain obvious. How long have you been here . Unlock instant savings now and earn free nights to use later. Hotels. Com. What do you have there . P3 its meat, cheese and nuts. I keep my protein interesting. Oh yea, me too. I have cheese and uh these herbs. P3 snacks. The more interesting way to get your protein. Its not easy to brew a beer this easy to drink. Bud light is tasted by brewmasters every step of the process. Its a tough job, but for you and your friends, its worth it. We dont just brew beer. We brew beer for friends. Man lets go man 2 were not coming out man 1 [ sighs ] flo [ amplified ] i got this. Guys, i know being a firsttime homeowner is scary, but you dont have to do this. Man 2 what if a tree falls on our garage . Woman what if a tornado rips off our roof . Flo youre covered. And youve bundled your home and auto insurance, so youre saving a ton. Come on. You dont want to start your new life in a dirty old truck. Man 3 hey. Man 1 whoa, whoa. Flo sorry. Woman oh. Flo youre safe. Youre safe now. Woman i think im gonna pass out. Can you stop using the bullhorn . Flo i dont make the rules. Can you stop using the bullhorn . Hello moto. gasps oh cheering dont worry. Its the new moto z with shattershield. Discover card. Hey. What can you tell me about your new Social Security alerts . Oh well alert you if we find your Social Security number on any one of thousands of risky sites, so youll be in the know. Ooh. Sushi. Ugh. Being in the know is a good thing. Sign up online for free. Discover Social Security alerts. Our bodies grow babies. We run marathons. Companies. Solve problems. How . We eat. We eat almonds. Strawberries. Quinoa. And yeah. We eat chocolate. We eat in sweatpants. In skirts. We eat alone. And together. Women are strong. We eat, and we own it. Special k. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy our first guest is a a very funny comedian who will be performing at the mirage hotel in Las Vegas August 4th and 5th. You can also see him september 17th at the kaboo Music Festival i love that. [ light laughter ] in delmar, california, september 17th. [ cheers ] you know where im going to be. Steve kaboo. Jimmy please welcome our good friend, the alwaysentertaining, the alwaysfunny, david spade, ladies and gentlemen. [ cheers and applause ] yeah jimmy that is the one and only david spade, ladies and gentlemen. [ cheers and applause ] nice. Jimmy good to see you, buddy. Looking good, man. Jimmy thank you for coming back on the show. I want to have you on all the time if i can. And im sorry about chasing you around that party. [ light laughter ] oh, yeah. Yeah, i remember that. Jimmy yeah, yeah, im sorry. Yeah, no, no. I love hanging out with you. Youre like the funnest guy at any party. We have a great time when we hang out. Jimmy i love it. I just i know. I just i dont know. You just you always make me laugh. I [ laughter ] and it just happened it was a a couple days after you got in a car accident. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Jimmy so but you were making it funny. Yeah, yeah. You know, i really make light of my tragedies in my life. [ light laughter ] its pretty fun. I actually when i flew here well, not a tragedy, but jimmy right, but you flew first class im assuming. I did. I was on jet blue. Thank you. [ laughter ] i know. And its fine, you gotta deal with them. But i flew first class. But jet blue let me tell you. [ laughter ] higgins, listen. I they have heres the first class, how its laid out. They have two seats and then one seat. Do you know this . And then two. So its like a little apartment. Its one seat. And with that little two foot door. So i really milk it out. You know it, i milk that first class. [ light laughter ] yeah. Yeah, i [ laughter ] i give some to the kitties. [ laughter ] jimmy give some to the kitties. Its milk. Jimmy i know. Give some to kitties. I get in there, and then i really put her through the ringer. Like, when the Flight Attendant comes by, i make her knock. Shes like [ knocking ] i go, yes . [ light laughter ] whos there . And she goes, the lady, Flight Attendant. I go, im not seeing anyone right now. [ laughter ] i got your peanuts. I go, oh, come in. And then she comes in. Jimmy like a little old lady . Yeah. Then she goes like this and i go, ah and she goes, ah, wipes her feet. [ laughter ] and then i go, do you have sky mall by any chance . She goes, oh, they dont even do that anymore. I go, could you try to scare one up for me . [ laughter ] and then she shuffles off. And then when i get up to leave i close my little door, and then i go, hmm. I lock it. Because i was robbed recently. Jimmy no, this is true. Yeah, so i have to lock my little jimmy what an interesting life this is. Yeah. Jimmy what happened . More tragic than interesting, but yeah. I got robbed recently, and woo right after jimmy no no, thats not hey jimmy no, dont woo that. You go, oh, is everything okay . It was a drag. No, i jimmy what happened . I went first of all heres what happened, real quick. I know i got other stuff to talk about, but i live where i was, when i came home one day, my blinds were up. And its not normal that my blinds are up. Because theyre really tough to pull up. Theyre like, old ones and i cant do it. [ light laughter ] so they were up halfway, and i was like, hmm, curious. But i go, no one did that . And they go, no. So when i went to bed at midnight, i have a shotgun by my safe in