Roots crew. Questlove 559, fresno steve and now, here he is, jimmy fallon [ cheers and applause ] jimmy oh, hey, everybody. Welcome welcome please enjoy yourself. Welcome, welcome. Thank you for being here. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Hot crowd, hot new york city crowd [ cheers and applause ] you got style, baby. Welcome to the tonight show. Thank you so much for being here. And thank you for watching at home. I appreciate that. Heres what people are talking about. Last night, the chicago cubs won game two of the world series. [ cheers ] thats right, to tie it up, 11. Yeah, its all tied up, which are the scariest words americans can hear two weeks before the election. I think the election [ laughter ] [ trump voice ] i think the election should also be best of seven. [ laughter ] rigged this is crazy, though. I saw that tickets to world series games in chicago this weekend cost over 2,000 and even the bars near Wrigley Field have a 250 cover charge. Cubs fans are like, i think i liked it better when we were losing. Cant afford to get a beer [ cheers and applause ] steve forget about it. Jimmy the last time the chicago cubs won the world series was 1908, and i read that the teams best pitcher that year was a guy named mordecai three finger brown. [ laughter ] its true. He only has Three Fingers on his throwing hand from a Farm Machinery accident. Well, we dug into the the tonight show Baseball Card collection and found some of his teammates from 1908. Steve really . Jimmy its very interesting. Steve wow. Jimmy check these guys out. Third base, they had clarence big ear monroe. [ laughter ] the outfield, of course, they had manny moobs oneal. [ laughter and applause ] catcher was ned baby nose zambrowski. [ laughter and applause ] and finally, shortstop, you had gilly pendulous testicle gormon. Gilly gorman. Steve heyoh jimmy the famous gilly gormon. Steve gilly gormon. He could catch a foul ball. Jimmy he certainly did. [ laughter ] [ rim shot ] some election news here. Hillary clinton is out there campaigning through the home stretch, still trying to win people over. In fact, yesterday, she did an interview with a hiphop radio station, and she said she loves to dance any chance she gets. And the dj was like, well, thats all the time we have. Thank you very much. Thats enough. Thats more than enough. Thank you very much. Meanwhile, i read that hillarys Campaign Just sent out save the date invitations for her Election Night celebration here in new york city. [ cheers and applause ] i think things got awkward when bill asked if he could bring a a plus one. [ laughter ] you know, its common courtesy. What does that mean . I saw that Donald Trumps star on the hollywood walk of fame was destroyed by someone using a pick ax and a sledge hammer. [ cheers and applause ] luckily, trumps hand prints in front of the chinese theater have not been touched. We have a picture. Theres his handprints. Theyre fine. [ laughter ] [ applause ] this is very interesting. I did not know this. I read that trumps First Television appearance anyone know . It was on the jeffersons back in 1981. Yeah. You might remember it was the episode where the jeffersons application for a deluxe apartment in the sky was denied. Do you remember that . [ cheers and applause ] youre moving on down. In my apartments, fish dont fry in the kitchen. [ laughter ] and beans dont burn on the grill. It took a whole lot of trying just to get up that hill. Now im up in the big leagues with a small loan from my dad of a million dollars. In the big leagues. Steve bigly. Big leagues. Jimmy bigly. Guys, finally, this is very exciting. I heard that kevin hart is in talks to play santa claus in disneys upcoming christmas movie, yeah, which is going to get a little awkward when he tells an elf what to do and theyre like, really . [ laughter ] really . We have a great show tonight. Give it up for the roots [ cheers and applause ] whoa whoa whoa jimmy we have a great, great, great, great show tonight. We love these two guys, they are two of the funniest human beings. Steve in the world. Jimmy in the world. I would say that, yeah. Martin short and steve martin are here. Steve yeah [ cheers and applause ] come on come on jimmy i cant say enough. Steve royalty. Royalty. Jimmy were going to hear all about the show. Then the three of us are going to play a tense game of true confessions. I want to hear some of the stories they got, yeah. Also, shes getting a ton of oscar buzz and golden globe buzz for her role in the new film, loving, ruth negga is stopping by. Steve yeah [ cheers and applause ] jimmy yeah. Did you hear the buzz there . Thats right. Yeah. Also, we have great, great music, oh, we love when hes here. Common is here tonight, you guys. Steve what a show [ cheers and applause ] yes jimmy as i mentioned earlier, martin short and steve martin, again, are here tonight. And its so great catching up with those guys. I actually bumped into them backstage before the show. Take a look at this. Hey, jimmy. Jimmy hey, marty, what you up to this weekend . Oh its fun. Im going to take my plane down to west palm beach. Oh jimmy hey, marty, what are you oh. Hold the elevator. [ ding ] [ laughter ] [ ding ] hot dogs. Vegan hot dogs. Thank you, maam oh hot dog in my throat oh give me the heimlich. Stop theif get him oh thank you, kind strangers. No problem. Have a nice day. Jimmy west palm beach. Sounds like a great trip. [ laughter ] thats a very clever thing you said [ laughter ] hey, you and me. Jimmy wait a minute. Yeah. [ cheers and applause ] see you later, marty. What about me . [ cheers and applause ] jimmy i love bumping into those guys. My thanks the steve martin and martin short. Stick around. 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Steve yeah. Jimmy yeah. And ill put out a hashtag just so you know how to play the game. And youll see it, and its based on different topics. Well tweet out a topic, and since halloween is coming up next monday, i went on twitter and sent out a hashtag called crappyhalloween. [ laughter ] we asked you guys to tweet out something funny, weird or embarrassing that happened to you on halloween. We got thousands of tweets. Within 30 minutes, it was a a trending topic in the u. S. [ cheers and applause ] so thank you, thank you for those tweets. Now i thought id share some of my favorite crappyhalloween tweets from you guys. This first ones from kristenrose124. She says, last year my dad didnt dress up to hand out candy. One kid asked if he was dressed up as the guy from the viagra commercials. [ laughter ] steve come on jimmy a kid a kid thought that. I dont know. Steve what a wisenheimer. Jimmy i dont know. It was. It was jacob wisenheimer. This ones from masonsnyder07. Steve oh, good. Jimmy he says, my mom dressed me as a cow and made my udders out of hot dogs. Dogs kept running up and trying to bit my stomach. Oh, come on. Steve come on. Jimmy a crappy halloween. Steve you dont want a dog biting your weiner. Jimmy come on, man. Steve nothing is worse than that. Jimmy this ones from kingedhill. He says, i took my mom to a a Haunted House one year. She kept pointing out which furniture in the house was from ikea. [ laughter ] mom, youre ruining the whole steve thats a sven. Jimmy thats a flugenhugen. [ laughter ] this ones from bones1106. Steve ooh, scary. Jimmy she says, one year i was flava flav and an old woman asked me if i was father time. [ laughter and applause ] steve youre from the viagra ad jimmy this ones from bamabaker. She says, one year my mom decided to give out raisins. To avoid embarrassment, my brother and i gave away our own candy. Steve yeah jimmy dont egg our house. This is themarioexpress. He says, when i was very little instead of going out trick or treating, my mom would just stand behind a door, i would knock, and she would give me candy. [ audience aws ] thats sad. Steve or cute. Jimmy thats a little overprotective, there. Steve he was 14. Jimmy this is from kayrose. She says, instead of handing out candy, my dad gives each kid a pamphlet on why they need a flu shot. [ audience aws ] talk about getting picked on in school there. Steve oh my gosh. Jimmy tell your dad i took his advice. I havent been sick. Oh, im the one that threw that brick threw his window. This last ones from danfrancisco312. He says, as a prank, my wife hid a toy rat under the duvet and i screamed. I hid the rat in the same place the next night and forgot. I screamed again. Those are our tonight show hashtags. Check out more of our favorites, go to tonightshow. Com hashtags. Stick around. Well be right back with martin short and steve martin, everybody. 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Yeah, with Liberty Mutual all i needed to do to get an estimate was snap a photo of the damage and voila voila sigh i wish my Insurance Company had that. Wait hold it. Hold it boys. Theres supposed to be three of you. Wheres your brother . Wheres your brother . Hey, wheres charlie . Charlie . you can leave worry behind when liberty stands with you. Liberty stands with you™ Liberty Mutual insurance creamy swirls of pure indulgence. Silky sifts of total transcendence. Tempting accents of sheer pleasure. Introducing unicorn whispers. This should be the name. Or something more like golden gold. Or maybe, mmmmmm mmhmm. But, with 20 of your daily fiber, its actually fiber one. So delicious, it should have another name. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy our first guests tonight you wouldnt believe whos on the show. [ light laughter ] they are two of the funniest, most supremely talented people that we know. In 2017, theyre going to kick off a 50city tour for their stage show called an evening youll forget for the rest of your life [ light laughter ] featuring the Steep Canyon Rangers and jeff babko, beginning february 10th in sarasota, florida. Write these things down. [ cheers and applause ] you can see martin short in hairspray live december 7th at 8 00 p. M. On nbc. Thats going to be great. And steve martin is in the new ang lee film, billy lynns long halftime walk, which opens november 11th. Please welcome our good friends, the always entertaining, martin short and steve martin [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy oh not bad, yeah. Oh thank you. You know what . Jimmy how exciting honestly, we have not done that in 30 years and we did not plan that. It was completely spontaneous. [ light laughter ] i started singing and i realized i forgot the name of the flower. Jimmy buttercup. Buttercups. That is a beautiful thing that just happened. How are you, jimmy . Jimmy im fantastic. Thank you for both being here. And i appreciate it. Yeah, its great to talk to you. [ light laughter ] you know whats interesting about show business [ laughter ] hey hey you look you are so you have a whole eric trump aura tonight. [ laughter ] you really do. Jimmy thank you so much. Yeah. No, youve never looked better. And its not jimmy is that right . And its not botox, i know. Is it is it sheep placenta injections . [ laughter ] jimmy absolutely. Its amazing. You look so young, it seems like brad and angelina should be fighting for custody over you. [ light laughter ] jimmy oh, well thats nice. That is so nice of you. Thank you for complimenting me. Steve, by the way, was looking at the monitor. And you said you didnt think he looked good. No, i did not say that. You did. [ light laughter ] no, i said he had childbearing hips. [ laughter ] jimmy ive heard that, by the way. Well thats true. Jimmy i have heard that. I take it as a compliment. This is so exciting. The three of us the three of us havent been together since we robbed kim kardashian. [ audience ohs ] [ laughter and applause ] too soon . No, its not too soon. Jimmy a little too soon. Is that too soon . Jimmy a little bit. I was just so excited when you called me to see if we wanted to do the show. Jimmy yeah. And i remember exactly what i said. I said, jimmy, i am way too high to deal with this right now. [ laughter ] jimmy i do remember you saying that. By the way, before you get to your prepared text, let me ask you [ laughter ] jimmy theres other things i want to get into first. Uhhuh, sure. Jimmy one is that it has been 30 years since you guys first met on three amigos. Thats right. Yeah. Jimmy that is where you met . We did. [ cheers and applause ] we had never met. All those years that you did sctv and i was doing snl but we had never met before. We had never met. And then there were were wondering if i was interested in three amigos, which of course i was, it was my first movie. And i have this kind of rain man memory. It was may 4th, 1985 i went to his old house on bedford drive. Yeah. And i remember i walked in, and it was like so beautiful. And there were picassos on the wall and hoppers and i said to him, how did you get that rich . Because ive seen your work. [ laughter ] and then i was struck with how pale he was in person. [ light laughter ] im not pale. No, it was like i was being haunted. [ laughter ] jimmy you think hes pale . No, steve, youre whiter than a trump rally. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] i dont think im pale. I remember the first time i felt marty was funny and i kind of worried about him. I was on the it was the first day of shooting on the three amigos and i was walking to the set. You know, the full outfit. And from behind me, i heard Katharine Hepburn say, wheres my bicycle . You do it better. Do what you did. [ Katharine Hepburn voice ] where the hell i wish i had my bicycle, we could go and pick blueberries. Its such a beautiful day. [ laughter ] and i walked by i turned and i thought, oh, i got three months to go with this guy. [ light laughter ] jimmy and you just hit it off from day one. It was great. It really was. It was perfect. Jimmy did you compliment each other . Do you like his comedy skills . Do you see him as a yeah, you said you had seen the jerk 500 times oh, i have seen yeah, i really have. Ive seen the jerk 500 times at least. And every time i see it, i say the same thing. I always say, steve, we could watch something else, you know. [ laughter ] but you know what i love sorry. I didnt mean to interrupt you. Ask your question and then ill ignore it. Go ahead. [ laughter ] jimmy how are you . When did you first meet . No, this is thats great. I love that question. By the way, great question. Jimmy thank you. It just came from the top of my head. When im on the road with marty, theres something i like to do. Were traveling to many, many different cities. And by the way, its a little desperate, its october and the first shows in february. Were promoting it already. Were that scared. [ light laughter ] and i during the day in these towns, these wonderful towns. I like to go to the art museum, because i know thats the one place that i wont run into marty. Jimmy oh, thats perfect. [ laughter ] that is so nice. It is it is i mean, were very close friends. Weve been im very, very close. Were closer than putin and trump. We are really very close. [ laughter ] were like donny and marie without the sexual tension. [ laughter ] were like Ellen Degeneres and a vest. You know what i mean . Were close. Jimmy very close. Yes, sure. Of course. And for me, its fun to be on stage. Ellen degeneres and a vest. Jimmy and a vest, yeah. For me, its fun to be on stage with a potential organ donor. It makes you feel safe. [ light laughter ] jimmy the title is an evening youll forget for the rest of your life. Yes. Yeah. Jimmy i just love that. Is that the first one you guys though of . No, no. We had many options for titles. The producer wanted to call it antiques roadshow. [ laughter ] i wanted to call it stroke us lady fame. Yeah. I had one. See them before theyre dead. [ light laughter ] thats good. Jimmy thats charming. And the one i liked, but was too long for the marquee was, you got it in there, now get it out. [ laughter ] it didnt seem right. It didnt seem right. What doe