[ laughter and applause ] happy birthday. president trump reportedly blocked several users on twitter yesterday, including author stephen king. and king has already written a book about it. [ laughter and applause ] "all golf and no play." [ light laughter ] a new poll shows governor chris christie has an approval rating of 15%. in fact, he is so unpopular in new jersey, he's fallen behind "that smell." [ laughter and applause ] fox news -- fox news has announced it's dropping it's slogan "fair and balanced" for the same reason united dropped "fly the friendly skies." [ laughter ] according to reports, since president trump won the republican nomination, the majority of trump real estate sahayers who use corporate entities to avoid revealing their names. but i'm pretty sure we all know who is behind plad vutin, llc. [ laughter and applause ] today was national bath day. but no need to limit yourself to just today, steve. [ audience ohs ] [ laughter and applause ] once a year, whether i need it or not. a connecticut man was arrested today, after going on a naked rampage inside an antique store. i guess there really is a thin line between antiques and junk. [ laughter ] a kansas man who robbed a bank to get away from his wife was reportedly sentenced to six months of home confinement. [ laughter ] well, at least he doesn't have to worry about his cell mate trying to have sex with him. [ laughter ] and finally, texas police yesterday seized an estimated 600 pounds of meth-laced lollipops. but say what you will, those kids were very willing to get their shots! [ laughter ] look how happy she is. ladies and gentlemen, we've got a great show for you to night! [ cheers and applause ] she is one of the stars of netflix's "orange is the new black." one of our favorites, taylor schilling is here tonight. [ cheers and applause ] he is the star of a great new film, "middle man." you know him from "parks and rec", jim o'heir is here tonight. [ cheers and applause ] and she is a journalist and author of the new book, "meet me in the bathroom: rebirth and 2001-2011." lizzy goodman is in the house. [ cheers and applause ] it's a fantastic book. i have a lot of questions for her. can't wait to have her out. now, you've all probably heard there was a shooting in alexandria, virginia this morning. members of the gop were attacked on a baseball field while practicing for a bipartisan charity game against the democrats. congressman steve scalise as well as lobbyist matt mika are still in critical condition and our thoughts are with them and their families. and we wish them both a full and a speedy recovery. we would like to commend the members of the capitol police for their quick and heroic action. you know, we have a lot of fun at this show at congress' expense. and it seems only fair they should be able to have fun at times, which is what this annual baseball game is. i'm happy to say it will be going on as scheduled tomorrow, which is great news. and i don't often say this here on our show, but i will be pulling for the gop. so good luck you to all of you. also, i cannot believe -- i cannot believe that based on how members of congress look that they play baseball instead of softball. [ light laughter ] i am absolutely stunned by that piece of news. i was sure that congress was a chamber of softball bodies. [ laughter ] but i really hope for everyone involved in that game that it is so much fun that all of you from both parties decide to do some more stuff together. so for everybody involved, please, a full recovery. thank you guys for listening to that. [ cheers and applause ] now, here at "late night" every night i deliver a monologue comprised of jokes written by a diverse team of writers. as a result, a lot of jokes come across my desk that due to my being a straight white male would be difficult for me to deliver. but we don't think that should stop you from enjoying them. so we like to share them with you in a segment we call "jokes seth can't tell." ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: hey, everybody, these are two of our writers. that's amber and that's jenny. >> i'm black. >> and i'm gay. >> and we're both women. >> seth: and i'm not. [ light laughter ] so here's how this works. i'll read the setups for the jokes and then amber and jenny will read the punchlines. so here we go. the longest running lesbian bar in the united states recently close ford good. >> so now lesbians will have to meet the old fashioned way -- at ace hardware. [ laughter ] >> seth: 18,000 contaminated pipes in flint, michigan will be replaced by a black-owned construction company. >> and it's true what they say, their pipes are bigger. [ audience ohs ] [ cheers ] >> seth: a lesbian was recently named the leader of germany's fascist party. >> if you're wondering what lesbians and fascists have in common, the answer is their haircut. [ laughter ] >> seth: jenny -- jenny, why is it that so many lesbians have short haircuts? >> we just get really excited about scissors. [ laughter ] >> seth: oh! jenny! jenny, no! [ laughter ] according to a recent article -- according to a recent article, there has been an increase in women using smart phone apps to track their menstrual cycles. >> still no word on how they get those phones in there. [ laughter ] i guess you put it down -- >> seth: no, no, no, no! [ laughter ] i wasn't pausing for an answer. >> oh. [ light laughter ] >> seth: on the popular british soap opera, "eastenders", a lesbian character recently decided to sleep with a man. >> i guess she got tired of having orgasms. [ audience ohs ] >> seth: are lesbians really that good at giving orgasms? >> watch this. [ gasp ] [ laughter ] >> you're welcome. >> seth: wow. i've never heard that noise or seen that face. [ laughter ] according to a recent article, homeownership among black americans is 30% lower than homeownership among white americans. >> lucky me, because i got this -- ♪ brick house mighty mighty letting it all hang out ♪ ♪ she's a brick >> seth: house! >> hey! you know it! >> seth: just that part. a gay couple recently kissed on the kiss cam at dodger stadium. >> while a lesbian couple was too busy watching the game. [ laughter and applause ] >> hey, seth, why don't you tell one. >> seth: me? no! no i -- i couldn't. i couldn't possibly tell one. >> come on, just one. >> seth: no, i feel like if i tell one, i'm going to get in trouble. that's how it always happens. >> c'mon, just do it. >> seth: okay. but i can fully trust you guys. >> oh, yeah. >> seth: you guys will both have my back if i do this? >> yeah, yeah. >> seth: okay! the adult website pornhub announced recently that it's most popular category of all time is "lesbian." and it's least popular category is "real life lesbian." >> how dare you! [ light laughter ] >> you should be shamed of yourself! >> seth: you promised me it would be okay! >> but i am a real life lesbian. >> seth: what? [ laughter ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] we'll be right back with more "late night." [ cheers and applause ] ♪ officials are reporting, this new doritos mix is responsible for the worldwide bold outbreak. woo hoo! over you to you tom! things have gone totally around the bend. has the world gone completely bold? new doritos mix. four snacks in one. oh no, looks like somebody needs a new network. when i got this unlimited plan test degree has redefined deodorant with motionsense technology... so that i can redefine... power... footwork... range... the more i move, the more it works. degree. it won't let you down. ♪ ♪ you plan to capture every moment. ♪ ♪ but what you really can't plan for, is when the moment captures you. ♪ experience moe as a member. the marriott portfolo has 30 brands in over 110 countries, so no matter where you go, you are here. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back, everybody. you know, white house press secretary sean spicer holds a lot of press briefings. but i don't think all the questions we need answered have been asked. so we decided to hold another one right here, right now. that's right, sean spicer and the "late night" press corps are here, they're in our studio, and they're ready to go. so without further ado, it's time once again for the "late night" white house press briefing. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: mr. spicer, mr. spicer, mr. spicer. yes, thank you. seth meyers, "late night with seth meyers." secretary spicer, lately it feels like every day there is a new scandal in the white house to deal with. how long did last week seem to you? >> frankly, well over a year. [ light laughter ] >> seth: and how long do you think it will be until mike pence becomes the president? >> i think we've got an hour or two before he's actually sworn in. [ laughter ] [ scattered applause ] >> seth: an hour or two? what's been the biggest challenge so far for president trump? >> coping with the effects of traumatic brain injury and head trauma. [ laughter ] >> seth: your job seems pretty stressful. what do you do to keep yourself from taking up smoking? >> use the patches that are available to ensure that it doesn't happen. [ light laughter ] >> seth: what do you call when it a really tall man sits down in front of you at the movie theater? >> a historic show of obstructionism. [ light laughter ] >> seth: what is the republican party doing to ensure that trump gets re- elected in 2020? >> we are calling on all of those folks in the region, particularly china and russia to do everything they can. [ laughter and applause ] >> seth: so i have to say, the desk in the oval office is looking so clean and shiny these days. what's trump's secret? >> it had to do with the president's pledge. [ light laughter ] [ scattered applause ] >> seth: what does trump call viagra? >> the president's pro-growth agenda. [ laughter ] >> seth: so, is the plan to slowly fire people from this administration until it's eventually just president trump alone in the white house? >> it's what i believe the president's expectation is, yes. [ light laughter ] >> seth: what's your favorite part of the movie "avatar"? >> men and women in blue. [ laughter ] >> seth: can you complete this famous dr. seuss line, "i do not like green eggs and ham. i would not eat them on a rope. i would not eat them with some soap. i would not" -- >> even with the pope. [ light laughter ] >> seth: where did you take your wife on your honeymoon? >> pittsburgh, not paris. >> seth: oh. [ laughter ] what does the president call his hands when he eats at a restaurant? >> steak holders. [ light laughter ] >> seth: hey, spicy, dumbass says "what?" >> it was a good try. [ light laughter ] >> seth: ah-ha, almost got you. what would the president do if 14 angry llamas ran into the oval office and started speaking french while the president was eating a plate of calamari? >> i honestly haven't asked him that specific question. [ laughter ] >> seth: fair enough. it was very specific. [ light laughter ] can you describe ted cruz in three words or less? >> an effective tool. [ laughter and applause ] >> seth: what is your favorite line in "50 shades of grey"? >> "he was received with incredible warmth." [ laughter ] >> seth: what is your favorite tv show starring will smith? >> "the crown prince of abu dhabi." [ light laughter ] >> seth: that is not what it's called. [ light laughter ] and now i'd like to end with a question i always ask, how is the president's penis? >> it's at the lowest it's been in a decade. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: and his balls? >> having more success finding them than at any point in the last 16 years. [ light laughter ] >> seth: but his penis? >> relatively short. [ light laughter ] >> seth: all right. well, it looks like we're out of time. so, on behalf of the rest of the press corps, have a good night. we'll be right back with taylor schilling, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ mom, i have to tell you something. dad, one second i was driving and then the next... they just didn't stop and then... i'm really sorry. i wrecked the subaru. i wrecked it. you're ok. that's all that matters. (vo) a lifetime commitment to getting them home safely. love. it's what makes a subaru, a subaru. steve was born to move. over the course of 9 days he walks 26.2 miles. that's a marathon. because he chooses to walk whenever he can. and he does it with support from dr. scholl's. only dr. scholl's has massaging gel insoles that provide all-day comfort to keep him feeling more energized. so he even has the energy to take the long way home. keep it up, steve! dr. scholl's. born to move. you have...bug eyes! [intern] i have some terrible news. they're destroying the whole town! [laughs] ♪ you have a side that is retired ♪ ♪ playing tag and gettin' tired. ♪ ♪ you have a side that saves for their tuition. ♪ ♪ but right now it looks like bedtime is the mission. ♪ ♪ a side that owns your own store. ♪ ♪ looks like you need to expand some more. ♪ ♪ that's why there's nationwide. ♪ ♪ they help protect and grow your many sides. ♪ ♪ nationwide is on your side. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back, everybody. give it up for the 8g band right over there! [ cheers and applause ] also, back with us this evening, he is an in-demand player for a highly diverse range of musicians and bands. be sure to catch him on tour this summer with his band lillick opening up for megadeth. eric moore is here, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] >> yo, seth. thank you so much, bro. >> seth: thanks for being here, eric. >> thank you, man. >> seth: it's been fantastic. >> thank you, man. >> seth: our first guest is an emmy and golden globe-nominated actress who is currently starring in the fifth season of "orange is the new black", now streaming on netflix. let's take a look. >> maybe we should help her. >> what? what happened to staying out of trouble and laying low? you have what, three months left? and god forbid my face ends up on tv when this thing gets bigger. we need to hide and ride it out. there is a puddle of blood on the floor. >> but she's so pathetic. she reminds me of me. how i was, but more annoying. and i never wore suits or worked for a big corporation. and she's older. look al, i don't want to not lay low, but i also don't want to lose my humanity. again. >> seth: please welcome back to the show our friend taylor schilling, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> seth: how are you? >> i'm doing really well. i get so happy every time i come and visit you. i mean, i really mean that. >> seth: we're so happy to you have. >> i don't know what it -- i don't know what it is. i'm very at home here. >> seth: oh, i'm so glad to hear it. because -- and i'm glad because i like to check in with you. because it's been about a year. >> yeah. >> seth: and this is the only time we see each other. >> it really is. >> seth: yeah. >> we're like party friends except it's not even a party friend. it's like a -- it's weirder. >> seth: yeah, we are. it's weirder than even a party friend. >> it's weirder than a party friend. >> seth: but i do want to check in, because you were here about a year ago. >> yeah. >> seth: and you were very happy. you were, like, proud and i felt like you thought you were becoming an adult. >> i've heard whisperings of what you were talking about earlier. >> seth: well you were talking about, you had moved into a new apartment -- >> i had. >> seth: and then you said you were thinking about getting a dog and a car. so i'd like an update. >> yeah. well, i don't have a car. >> seth: okay. >> i actually don't have a license right now. >> seth: oh, no. why don't you have a license? >> because i lost it. >> seth: okay. >> that's true. >> seth: okay. but you can just get a new one. >> yes, i can. i have an appointment -- this is all real. i have an appointment next monday. >> seth: okay. >> in santa monica. >> seth: oh, so you have to go to a dmv. >> yeah. >> seth: okay. >> and just have a face-to-face. >> seth: oh, good. >> i got an e-mail that i can take like another photo if i want. which i'd like to. because the -- >> seth: oh, great! >> because my license photo isn't -- it's not cute. >> seth: what do you think went wrong the last time when you took the photo? >> i think i was too excited. >> seth: okay. [ laughter ] >> i really do. >> seth: it is such a bummer when you get too excited for a license -- >> it's not cool. >> seth: especially when you get pulled over for speeding. because when you give that, it looks like you were definitely speeding. >> yes. >> seth: if you're a guy who -- it couldn't wait to be a legal driver. so you don't have a license or car. >> no. >> seth: so that one seems like that's a step backwards from a year ago. >> yeah. >> seth: yeah. >> hopefully a year from now at least i'll have a license. >> seth: a new license. okay. >> right, so i don't have a car. i am going to get a dog. >> seth: okay. so you have not -- in a full year, you haven't gotten one yet. >> haven't gotten a dog. haven't gotten a car. >> seth: lost a license. >> right. yes. lost a license. >> seth: do you know what kind of dog you're getting? >> so maybe we've moved backwards. >> seth: yeah. >> yeah, i do. i'm getting a french bulldog. >> seth: okay, great. that's very exciting. >> i know. they make me feel that way, too. >> seth: have you ever had a french bulldog in your life before? >> no. >> seth: okay. do you know -- like do you have any sense of the timeline of when you're going to get one? >> well -- [ laughter ] yeah, like the middle of august. >> seth: well, the problem is i've got to drive there and that's the whole thing, because of my license. [ laughter ] maybe they could just -- they're gonna give this dog your address and say it might be faster if you just find your way there. >> come find her. lassie, come home. >> seth: do you have -- do you want a boy dog, girl dog? >> a girl dog. >> seth: do you have a name picked out? or are you gonna wait until you actually lay eyes on it? >> no, i'm thinking about it. >> seth: okay, gotcha. >> i like -- i think, like tank. >> seth: okay, for -- [ laughter ] that seems like -- i mean, again, you know, look, who am i to say? that seems like a boy's name. but i guess -- i don't know. >> i know. >> seth: but again, maybe a girl bulldog doesn't -- >> but i like it. >> seth: yeah. what does she care? >> she doesn't care. >> seth: yeah, it's just a noise. >> and why is it gender normative? like it's passé. >> seth: exactly. >> it's lame. >> seth: also, she's french. >> yeah. >> seth: yeah. [ laughter ] >> what does that even mean? [ french accent ] >> seth: "for american to say tank is a boys name" -- >> yes! [ laughter ] >> seth: "tank is a name, it can be anyone's name!" >> all of us. she just doesn't play those games. >> seth: one of my favorite things we've ever talked about is your first new york city apartment sounded like the worst apartment. or the smallest apartment. >> well, it was. >> seth: what was the -- there was something, the bed was something? the bed was in the kitchen? >> yes, the bed is in -- well it -- i mean it was one room. >> seth: oh, right. now i remember the word. >> it was one room. >> seth: yeah. >> so it was a bitchen. >> seth: a bitchen. >> it was a kitchen and the bedroom were the same room. [ laughter ] so we had -- we just were like, come over to our bitchen. >> seth: i will say -- >> the bedroom. >> seth: that if you got asked to come over to a bitchen apartment, you'd be like, "awesome!" [ laughter ] i think it's gonna be like a wraparound penthouse. and meanwhile it's like -- >> it's like -- a couch we're sleeping on, with like a pull-out with a -- with one of the things -- a door over the stove. >> seth: right. >> we lived there for a while. >> seth: "i went back to this girl's bitchen apartment." "how did it go?" "i knocked my head out on a sink." [ light laughter ] >> yeah. no, it's not -- it wasn't safe. >> seth: okay. >> and that's the truth of the apartment is that it wasn't safe. >> seth: but you recently got -- your roommate got in touch with you? >> oh, my roommate from that time is one of my best friends. >> seth: okay. still? >> i'm gonna see him later. yeah. hey, tommy. >> seth: okay. >> i've never done that -- >> seth: and he found something from back in the day? >> yeah, he recently found it three days ago. and i was so excited, i was going to come and see you. i seriously -- i got this and also the subject heading was "dark days." >> seth: dark days. so this was -- now this is somebody that you've managed to stay friends with. >> oh, for like -- >> seth: so, you guys got through this. >> i mean, by the skin of our teeth. >> seth: this is a legal document that he wrote up. this is a roommate agreement. >> yes. >> seth: was he a lawyer? >> no. he's an -- he's an -- he was an actor. >> seth: okay. [ laughter ] there is so much legalese to this i can not stress how crazy this is. >> yeah, he made -- >> seth: i wanna -- >> wait, and you didn't even see there is room for both of us to sign at the bottom. and he wasn't gonna -- i don't know what he was going to do. >> seth: this is my favorite one. hold on. both parties must treat the other with courtesy and respect regardless of their state of inebriation, exhaustion, or general non-collaborative mood. [ laughter and applause ] that is -- >> isn't that amazing? >> seth: it's amazing that you had -- like basically signing a legal document saying you're gonna, no matter how drunk you are, you have to treat somebody with courtesy and respect. >> respect. [ laughter ] yeah. dignity. we're all humans. >> seth: the amount that he says "both parties" is fantastic. i'm so happy to hear he was also an actor. this is written like somebody who watched a lot of "law & order." >> his dad's a lawyer. >> seth: oh, his dad's a lawyer. >> i feel like he might have had his dad proof read it or something. >> seth: this -- i mean this is the best. >> he had bullet points. >> seth: bullet -- hitherto. [ laughter ] >> my god, i didn't even see that. >> seth: this hitherto serves as a binding roommate agreement. >> not to be made null or void unless agreed upon by both parties. i mean what is that? he was like a 22-year-old actor. >> seth: i -- it's so great. what i like to picture is you coming home super wasted, being an asshole and him saying, like, "hey! our agreement!" you're like, "[ bleep ] you. my kitchen's a bedroom!" [ laughter ] i don't care. you signed an agree [ bleep ]. >> my kitchen's a bedroom. >> seth: you signed an agreement. >> yeah, yeah. >> seth: you're in a non-collaborative mood! [ laughter ] >> no, that was -- i read that and i died. that's my favorite. that's my favorite thing i've ever. >> seth: that is the nicest way to say someone is being a jerk. >> yeah. it's a really nice way to put some of my, i guess, what it's like to live with me sometimes. generally. >> seth: yeah, non-collaborative. >> non-collaborative. [ light laughter ] >> seth: congrats on this new season of the show. >> thank you. >> seth: this is fascinating, because other seasons go over a large swath of time. this is three days. >> yes. >> seth: this is a prison riot. >> yes. it happens really quickly. what i love about this season is we leave off right as jenji kohan, who is a writer of the show, was dealing with the black lives matter movement. we dealt with the death of poussey washington, who was a very beloved member of out cast. and we pick up right where it -- it's leaves off. so the entire three days of this riot are really in reaction to her death. and we're dealing with the consequences of that for, you know, 13 episodes. >> seth: is that very intense to take something, that obviously very emotional, not just for the characters but for the cast. because this was a -- and then you had to stay in that moment, those three days for i'm assuming months. >> six months. >> seth: six months. >> i mean it was actually like technically confusing. i had more notebooks as to what, you know, what room we were in at what time because they'd be shooting something and realize that two months ago we shot -- it was two hours ago. >> seth: right. >> it was so -- it was very confusing. >> seth: and there, because this is a riot, it seems like mayhem, but is it safe to say that when you have mayhem, it's actually more choreography than it would be -- >> yeah. i think so. i've learned that from working on sets. yeah. there are a lot of women darting in and out. and it's just the guys who do that. our a.d. >> seth: right. because it's not just somebody saying like, look like it's a riot. like everybody has to kind of -- >> it's like very specific traffic direction. >> seth: the beginning of the first episode, one of the things that makes it a very intense viewing experience is there's sort of this alarm going off. >> yes. >> seth: was that actually happening when you were shooting? >> no, but they didn't want us to forget that it was happening. i mean, i have to tell you, i watched the first episode, i don't know if guys have watched any of it. it is -- it's a really -- >> seth: yeah. >> present. for 21 minutes. and they didn't want us to forget that. so the director that we had would before action would just be like, "ladies, remember the situation you're in." [ imitating alarm ] action! [ laughter ] it's like, "dude. okay." it was really -- [ quacking ] >> seth: it was a goose? >> yes. >> seth: it was a -- >> it was a duck. >> seth: that's one weird things that instead of alarms -- >> it's a rabid duck. >> seth: there's a duck. there's a very angry duck. >> sounds like a dinosaur duck. >> seth: riot! riot! riot! >> yeah. >> seth: congratulations. >> yes. >> seth: and congratulations of getting through this legal document. >> i mean that's the win for everybody. >> seth: that's the way to hitherto. >> i'm sitting here to explain it. >> seth: hitherto any guest who've dare come on the show without a legal document is in real trouble. always so great to see you. >> so nice to see you, seth. >> seth: thank you for being back. 'til next time. taylor schilling everbody. [ cheers and applause ] the fifth season of "orange is the new black" is now streaming on netflix. we'll be right back with jim o'heir. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ get in for lunch now, at olive garden with lunch duos starting at $6.99 choose your favorite pasta, piadina or sandwich and pair it with all the soup or salad and breadsticks you want get never-ending value for lunch at olive garden so, your new prescription does havoh, like what?ffects. ♪ you're gonna have dizziness, ♪ nausea, and sweaty eyelids. ♪ and in certain cases chronic flatulence. ♪ no. ♪ sooooo gassy girl. ♪ so gassy. if you're boyz ii men, you make anything sound good. it's what you do. if you want to save fifteen percent or more on car insurance, you switch to geico. it's what you do. next! ♪ next! thousands of barrels lay silent. of jim beam, aging, building a fuller smoother flavor that only comes from being aged four long years. at jim beam, our history is made from the inside. how will you make yours? and we're proud to reveal that jim beam black has been awarded the world's highest rated bourbon. their words not ours, make history. what do you have there? p3 it's meat, cheese and nuts. i keep my protein interesting. oh yea, me too. i have cheese and uh these herbs. p3 snacks. the more interesting way to get your protein. ♪ ♪oh, my love ♪my darlin' ♪i've hungered for your touch papa, hola! ♪i've hungered for your touch no, no no, no no no! ♪i'll be coming home, wait for me♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: you know our next guest from his portrayal of jerry or gary or larry on "parks & recreation." he stars in the new film "middle man", which is in select theaters now. let's take a look. >> hey, you gotta trust me now. you got to get right back up on that horse. >> no, no, no. we got to get out of here. no, i have to go on the lam. >> the lam? >> yes, i have to grow a beard and i have to drive to mexico or something. >> whoa! whoa, whoa! slow down there, thelma. >> you don't understand. hitch, i have never been in trouble. and now i'm in the worst kind of trouble ever. >> no, ya ain't, lenny. >> yes, i am, hitch. >> no, you ain't. >> yes, i am hitch. >> no, you ain't, lenny. [ siren sounds ] [ light laughter ] >> seth: please welcome back to the show jim o'heir, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> seth: welcome back! >> thank you. so excited to be here. >> seth: the last time you were here we had the entire cast of "parks & rec." >> we did. >> seth: and it was the night the final episode aired. and chris pratt was singing a fantastic song from that show "bye-bye little sebastian." >> yes. >> seth: and everybody was singing along. and you and aubrey plaza, if you'd notice, you guys are just fully making out. [ cheers and applause ] now how -- how did that come to pass? >> well, i like to call that the night that aubrey became a real woman. >> seth: yeah, there you go. >> number one. [ light laughter ] >> seth: i'm sure she does as well. >> i'm sure she does. aubrey is a genius. she is very funny. so you had us all -- first of all, thank you. you had us all for the whole hour. >> seth: it was lovely. >> what a treat. so we're all lined up. aubrey is between -- adam scott is between us and she leans over. all we knew that we were doing that whole show was at the end we were going to sing "bye-bye little sebastian." >> seth: yeah. >> so aubrey leans over and she goes, "you want to make out during the song?" [ light laughter ] >> whoa. >> yeah. >> seth: yeah. [ laughter ] >> why not? >> seth: why not? >> why wouldn't i? so then i was getting a little nervous. but you know, i learned something from rob lowe, who has made out with everybody. >> seth: yeah. [ light laughter ] >> you know, literally, probably most of the people out here. >> seth: made a career of it. >> he's made a career -- read his book. he has made out with everybody. so he said to me, 'cause i don't get those roles. i am the character actor who -- i don't get the girl. that never happens. so he said, when you go in for the kiss, if you notice her mouth opens a little, then can you reciprocate. if she is giving you pressure, you can give pressure back. and then if the tongue comes in, let's hit it. >> seth: got it. [ laughter ] [ cheers ] >> i got to tell you, aubrey had the tongue in my mouth and, boom, we hit it. >> seth: and it was great because a lot of people -- a lot of people didn't notice. except aziz and retta fully are just -- they are the ones -- [ laughter ] >> yeah, poor pratt is out here playing "bye-bye." so he doesn't have a clue what's happening. >> seth: no. >> retta is about to lose her [ bleep ]. >> seth: it is true that the next day tmz came to your house? >> tmz -- you know, they find out where you are. they don't normally give a crap about me. but they were like, "so dude. what's going on with you and aubrey? is it true what they're saying?" yes! yes, aubrey's dumping her fianée for this. yes. [ laughter ] aubrey is so smart. it wouldn't have been funny to make out with pratt. it wouldn't have been funny to make out with adam. who cares? get the old fat guy. that's funny. [ light laughter ] >> seth: jackpot. >> jackpot. >> seth: so congrats on the film. >> thank you. >> seth: you're character, lenny, maybe a little bit like jerry. a guy who the world is maybe conspiring against a little bit. tell us about the film. >> he's an innocent. he's a very sweet guy. and the film begins very much like a jerry. he's -- his mother has died. he's dreamt of being a stand-up comic. he has absolutely no comic abilities whatever. he was raised on old, you know, charlie mccarthy and edgar bergen and stiller & meara and abbott & costello. this is what he thought comedy was and still is. so the mother dies. he goes out on the road. and he makes one terrible, terrible decision and picks up a hitchhiker, played by andy west who was in that clip. and it just changed -- his whole world changes. he ends up -- his stand-up is so terrible. but as terrible things start happening around him that he's involved in, he just tells what's happening. and the more he tells, the funnier he becomes. so he's literally -- it's a bloodbath at some points. but the audience thinks that this is like avant garde kind of comedy and they're loving it. so it also becomes what is the price you will pay for fame? >> seth: there you go. >> and i'll pay high. >> seth: you'll pay high. [ laughter ] >> i'll pay high. >> seth: you -- this is some of your early comedy. you mentioned some people edgar bergen, people like that. you did some puppet work early in your career. >> yes, i did. >> seth: so here's -- tell us about this show. because these are two very distressing puppets. [ light laughter ] >> yes. that is a show called "stumpy's gang" writeen by patrick cannon. and i will tell you this, it is the show that i -- the reason i feel i'm sitting here today is because of this show. we did it in chicago. it became like this kind of cult crazy thing. these puppets spewed blood. i was covered in blood. there seems to be a trend, now that i think about it. >> seth: yeah. yeah. [ light laughter ] >> and so we brought it to l.a. and it was just crazy enough that it got me the attention to get agents and managers and -- so i really i give stumpy's all the credit. where "middle man" is different, it's -- this was written by one of my comedy friends from chicago. "middle man" was also written by one of my comedy friends from chicago, ned crowley, who directed it and wrote it and made a very small film look very big. along with the greatest d.p., dick buckley, who, without them, it wouldn't have happened. >> seth: that's fantastic. how was this show reviewed back in the day in chicago? >> oh, it was really nice. one of the reviews said -- 'cause you remember certain things when it stabs you? >> seth: yeah. [ light laughter ] >> one of them said, and this is a quote, "jim o'heir though seems like a nice enough fellow, should be embarrassed to do what he's doing in the privacy of his own home let alone on the stage." [ audience ohs ] [ laughter ] that is a true quote. and you know people are always like, you know, you have been -- you know, i had never done stand-up, so i don't really get heckled. but reviews are heckles. >> seth: oh, sure. >> you know, 'cause in every review i've ever been in -- i'm a big guy. i get it. i am, you know, but -- even if they're complimenting me. the talentedly ursine jim o'heir. you know what i mean? which means fat. it's another word for fat. so like they always had to put body type. >> seth: well it's funny. the difference was a -- you can always write off a heckle as saying, well they had too much to drink. but you know reviewers really sat down and thought about it. >> oh, they thought -- and it's out there forever. >> seth: yeah, really. >> the hecklers come and go, you move on. my stuff is out there forever. >> seth: well fortunately in this film, things happen to hecklers that i think a lot of comedians would enjoy. so thank you so much for being here. it's always great to see you. >> it's been awesome. what a great treat. thank you so much. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: jim o'heir, everybody. "middle man" is in select theaters now. we'll be right back with lizzy goodman. 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(vo) when it really, really matters you need the best network and the best unlimited. plus, get the pixel, by google with no trade-in required. if you've got a life, you gotta swiffer ♪ strummed guitar you can't experience the canadian rockies through a screen. you have to be here, with us. ♪ strummed guitar travel through this natural wonder and get a glimpse of amazing. with a glass of wine in one hand, and a camera in the other, aboard rocky mountaineer. canada's rocky mountains await. call your travel agent or rocky mountaineer for special offers now. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back, everybody. our next guest is a journalist whose writing has appeared in the "new york times", "rolling stone", "elle", and "spin." her new book, "meet me in the bathroom: rebirth and rock and roll in new york city 2001-2011" is on stands right now. please welcome to the show, our friend lizzy goodman, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> seth: how are you? >> i'm great. >> seth: i'm so happy to you have you here. >> me, too. >> seth: the book is fantastic. >> thank you. >> seth: it took you six years? >> yeah, give or take. >> seth: six years.d you basica interviews from everybody who was sort of essential to this 2001-2011 period. >> yeah. >> seth: and you -- one of the things you've said as far as getting the idea for the book is that it began where it ended. can you explain that? >> yeah. the sort of culmination of the book is these two shows at madison square garden in 2011. the strokes played, and lcd soundsystem played what was then considered their final show, so-called. very happy that they're back. but i attended both of them and i sort of had this moment at either right after or kind of in the midst of being at those shows where it was like, wait a second. my peers, so to speak. or kind of -- not that i knew them personally, necessarily, exactly, but sort of a sense of these are my people and they were our bands. >> seth: yeah, like their youth was sort of -- >> yes. >> seth: was parallel with yours. >> yeah, but they were like grown up rock stars on big stages. >> seth: right. >> and that something else. >> seth: well, you -- so the strokes sort of became one of t >> yes. >> seth: and how they came about in a time where there really wasn't much of what was considered new york music as there had been in other eras. did you decide going into it that the strokes would be as important, or did you kind of find your way to that during the interviews? >> i mean, it was really -- like, i knew they were important. t thinking, let's see how this plays out in terms of what people tell me. and it was this every single artist i spoke to, some of them celebratorily -- which is not a word, but it's fine -- were like, "okay, it all started with the strokes." or they would be like, "it all starwi either way, there was this consensus that the strokes' success paved the way for everything that you read about in the book that came after that. and as you say, it paved the way for sort of reinventing guitar music in new york city, but also globally. >> seth: and, you know, obviously the trick to the book like this is unless you get almost everybody to participate, it will feel sort of thin and empty. so, where did you start to get -- because, you know, you sort of have everybody. you know, everybody from the strokes, everybody in the yeah yeah yeahs. you have lcd soundsystem. you have all these people. how did you convince them all to get involved? >> thank god. yeah. i know, even hearing you say it would be thin and empty, i still feel this sort of latent panic of like, "i know! please god don't let that happen." i mean, i think it's just hubris, right? like, you sort of start of saying, "i'm going to do this." and that's crazy, but it's fine. i'll just get them all to talk to me, and then you do. i mean, i think in this case, it's like -- there's a kind of behind the scene executive producer cast of people who helped make introductions, tell other managers that i wasn't a crazy perslir me to people. ryan gentles, the strokes' manager, who a big character in the book as well. my friend imran, who signed the english counterpart for that work. like, these were friends that i basically called, like, every other day going, "please, can you just introduce me to them?" > seth: so even then, tho you -- you've gotten such interesting stories. were people -- >> thank you. >> seth: do you think people immediately opened up or do you think it happened over time? how did you get people to give their take on things that happened? >> there's two kinds of -- there's loosely two kinds of character for this book. it was, like, either people that really didn't want to do it. and i sort of boxed them in by saying, like, "hey, ths it's an oral history. i just need a few quotes from you." like, "tell me anything you want about new york city between 2001 and 2011." but then when they realized that other people are saying more, perhaps, like, either their band mates or friends or whatever, that kind of elicits more. or they're the people that are just your dream interviews. and there were a lot of them, i have to say, who just kind of sat down and were like, "all right. game on. you're doing a book about this era. like, what do you want to know." >> seth: the really lovely thing is these bands were so cool. >> yeah. >> seth: and sometimes you think that cool people are maybe not going to be kind or warm people. there is so much warmth from all these people. >> yeah. >> seth: i feel not just the way they feel about their fellow band mates, but the way they feel about the audience, the way they feel about the city. because again, you know, 9/11 is sort of a big moment in this book as well that this music sort of started right after that. we both lived here for this entire period. >> yes. >> seth: i don't know if -- i had both felt nostalgic for the music, and i felt like i completely missed out for being here for 10 years. other than the fact that some of these bands would come through "snl", and i would get to meet them. like, i did not -- >> really? >> seth: i felt like i missed my opportunity to take advantage of the scene. do you look back on the 10 years and say, "oh, i really took advantage of being part of this world?" >> a little bit. >> seth: yeah. >> yeah. i mean, there's its -- yeah, it's sort of like you have the hangovers to prove it. [ light laughter ] i think, i -- yeah. i mean, i am sort of surprised no one has asked me that. i that it -- i think you -- i did feel like i actually lived it to the extent that i wanted to. i mean, i think that's an important distinction. like, you'll hear one of the themes in the book is this moment in certain characters' lives where it's like, "i had to kind of back off at this stage." >> seth: yeah. >> like, i definitely had that moment, too. but yeah. >> seth: and i should note there is, you know, warmth and kindness and all those things that i said. there's also great stories about people taking way too many drugs. >> yes. and being mean to each other. >> seth: it's not just -- >> but it's -- now, they're all very loving. >> seth: well, that is the reflective -- and it's true, because this is not 100 years ago. >> yeah. >> seth: did you think you were taking on something that was too recent history? >> i didn't, but a lot of other people did. >> seth: yeah. >> that was a big concern when we were shopping the book at the beginning. obviously, when i was trying to sell it, it was, like, right after -- these shows, i don't know, i was selling it in 2012. >> seth: yeah. >> and everyone was like, "what? is this a magazine feature?" there was sort of a sense of it's too soon. but i think, basically, i think in a post-internet world, it's almost never too soon. >> seth: yeah. also if you're going to talk to people who partied super hard, it's best to get them while the memories are locked in. [ laughter ] >> yeah. no, for real. and the number one comment, in addition to, like, "yeah, okay, the strokes started it all" was "i don't remember anything, so there is no point new talking to me." >> seth: right. >> and it's like, "i'll be the judge of that." but i did -- and in some cases people really -- but that's also what's fun about oral histories, it's like then great, we'll have disagreement. because the truth is nobody -- it's "rashomon", right? >> seth: oh. >> like, nobody remembers anything ever. >> seth: my favorite moment in the book is two members of kings of leon remember the same thing that someone said to a member of interpol, but there's slightly different versions of it. >> yes. that's a good thing. >> seth: in one they call somebody a vampire-looking mother [ bleep ]. >> yes. >> seth: and then, another guy remembers it as, like, a mortician-looking mother [ bleep ]. >> important distinction. >> seth: yeah. it's a very important distinction. but you're kind of like, "oh, that is a really nice version of how can you remember." they're both kind of right, but it's nice that -- >> and the collective memory is so much richer than any individual -- >> seth: yeah. >> you know what i mean? >> seth: and this, i mean, again, you know, not just getting the interviews, but it must have been so been so exciting that puzzle piece of -- which you do so wonderfully in the book -- is someone will say, "i really think if you talk to this person, they would say that we're super cool now. and despite our difference in the past, you know, that we did great work." and then you hear the next person you have is that guy being like, "i hate him. i still hate him. i'm always going to hate him." [ light laughter ] >> yes. "why did you talk to him?" >> seth: "why you would ever talk to him?" >> "he shouldn't be in this book, and let me tell you why." and here's 20 quotes from that. there was a lot of -- i mean, that is really -- the puzzle of it -- like once you get going, the beginning is really hard because you just don't have anything to work with. so it sort of feels like you have to cast this super wide net with your interviews, but you also have to start to try to hone in on specific scenes that you're going to ask other people about. >> seth: yeah. >> like days. not scenes like rock scenes. like moments in time that you'll help hang these, build anecdotes around to make the book work. but after it starts to get moving, that part is really fun. because yeah, you're sort of sitting there, going, "that's not what he said." >> seth: yeah. >> "but anyway, tell me more." you know? >> seth: well, it's really wonderful. and again, it was a time that was really important to me. and it was so wonderful to have somebody who was important to put this much effort into it. it's a wonderful book. i highly recommend it. thanks so much for being here, lizzy. >> thank you so much for having me. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: lizzy goodman, everybody. "meet me in the bathroom: rebirth and rock and roll in new york city" is on stands now. we'll be right back. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: my thanks to taylor schilling, jim o'heir, lizzy goodman everybody! [ cheers and applause ] eric moore, the 8g band. stay tuned for "carson daly." we'll see you tomorrow! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ ♪ >> carson: hey, what's up, everybody? i'm carson daly. and we are coming to you tonight from the penthouse suite here -- it is lovely -- at the time new york hotel. got a good "last call" on deck. we're going to have, tonight, "riverdale" actress