[ light laughter ] donald trump donald trump is reportedly considering a fast food ceo for labor secretary. Oh, im not the burger king, said newt gingrich. [ laughter ] donald trump said on twitter today that he wants to cancel plans to build a new air force one because he feels like its costing too much money. Well hey, if the Wright Brothers could build a plane im sure the wrong brothers could too. [ laughter ] today in 1884 the Washington Monument was completed. And if George Washington were here today to see it he would probably say, that looks nothing like me. [ light laughter ] what do the other ones look like . Well let me see the lincoln memorial. Well, that looks like him. I hate it. [ light laughter ] House Speaker paul ryan lit the capitol Christmas Tree today. Its the first time anything involving paul ryan could be described as lit. [ applause ] the Cleveland Cavaliers have announced that nearly half of their players will not stay at a trump hotel in new york out of protest. And just to drive the point home theyre going to stay in the woods with hillary clinton. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] according to twitter the top global hashtag trends of this year were rio2016, election2016 and pokemongo. And in fourth place of course was hashtag, what is happening this cant be real please someone make this godforsaken year end. [ cheers and applause ] governor Chris Christie currently has a 19 Approval Rating in new jersey. The only thing less popular in new jersey is the top button. [ applause ] kfc in new zealand has released a special holiday candle that smells like fried chicken. [ audience groans ] kfc customers are calling the candle hard to chew. [ light laughter ] a religious leader in ghana is claiming that he can make mens penises larger by massaging them with his hands. Said one out of ten guys, whoa, it worked. [ light laughter ] thats right. A religious leader in ghana is claiming that he can make mens penises larger by performing a ritual where he massages them with his hands. Said teenage boys, go go away mom, im performing a religious ritual we have a great show for you tonight. [ cheers and applause ] we have some fantastic guests. He was just inducted into the nba hall of fame and hes doing some great work with toys for tots, our friend Shaquille Oneal is back on the show tonight. [ cheers and applause ] were also joined by one of my favorite actresses and comedians. Shes the creator and star of broad city. And now shes written a very funny book, carry this book. Abbi jacobson is back on the show. [ cheers and applause ] and on top of all that, were gonna have music from country super star Miranda Lambert this evening. [ cheers and applause ] so youre here on a good night. Now here every night at the show i deliver a monologue. Jokes like these comprised and written by a diverse team of writers and as a result of that diversity a lot of the jokes that come across my desk due to me being a straight, white, male would be difficult for me to deliver. But theyre great jokes so we dont think it should stop us from telling them to you. So wed like to share them with you in a segment we call, jokes seth cant tell. Seth all right, everybody. These are two of our writers amber and jenny. Im black. And im gay. And were both women. Seth and im not. So heres how this works. Ill read the set ups for these jokes and amber and jenny will read the punch lines. Here we go. Lady gaga and madonna visited an lgbt center in new york on thanksgiving day. It worked said a gay man holding a wishbone. [ laughter ] seth the mall of america recently hired its first ever black santa. The good kids get presents and the bad kids get a foot broke off in they ass. [ laughter ] seth really . I dont know if i could have told that as well. You could not have. Seth yeah. The tv show younger recently featured a character who is an Orthodox Jewish lesbian and refers to herself as an orthodyke. As opposed to catholic lesbians who refer to themselves as nuns. [ laughter and applause ] seth now, now, now, now. Jenny im not technically sure you can tell that joke. Oh, im catholic. Seth oh okay, cool. [ laughter ] do you feel guilty about telling it . So guilty. Seth okay, that was a test. You are catholic. [ laughter ] an African American center at North CarolinaState University recently hosted a kwanzaa celebration. How was it . Said black people to their white friends. [ laughter ] seth oh, so black people dont celebrate kwanzaa . But white people love it. [ laughter ] seth a new survey revealed that one of the most popular terms searched by american women looking for porn is ebony lesbian. An ebony lesbian, is like a regular lesbian except she always comes late. [ audience ohs ] jenny, you cannot tell that joke im sorry. How many have ebony lesbians have you slept with . Point. Point. You do have a point. Seth oh, yeah. [ laughter ] no, get out of our high five. Seth no . No, you cannot. No. [ light laughter ] seth according to a recent article more than 75 of black americans are overweight. But according to a recent black article, nuhuh. [ laughter ] seth on the recent episode of the cw show supergirl, supergirls sister came out as a lesbian. Viewers became suspicious when she referred to a penis as kryptonite. [ laughter ] seth so penises, are lesbians kryptonite . I mean theyre my kryptonite. Seth amber, whats your kryptonite . Dogs. Seth oh. Whats your kryptonite, seth . Seth you know when you get an uber driver and hes really chatty. Oh, gross. Gross. White people problems. [ laughter ] seth wait, so getting back to the kryptonite thing, does that mean you dont like superman . I dont but i love clark kent. Seth why is that . Because he looks like rachel maddow. Seth oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. [ laughter ] hey, seth why dont you tell one . Seth oh, no i would get in trouble if i told one of these jokes come on, buddy seth i dont think its a good idea i think im going to get in a lot of trouble. Do it, seth seth okay. Okay. [ laughter ] seth according to a new study people who identify as bisexual, make less money than their straight or gay counter parts. But on the bright side they have a lot more openings available. [ audience ohs ] how dare you seth you promised me that i could you should be ashamed of yourself seth you said it would be okay. You made fun of catholics youre going to hell i probably am seth black women and lesbians are liars seth well be right back with Shaquille Oneal. [ cheers and applause ] vo its that time of year again. When you realize you still didnt get quite what you wanted. Thats why verizon has the best deals of the year on the best network. Like a free smartphone when you add a line or switch. No tradein required. 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Serious, sometimes fatal infections and cancers, including lymphoma, have happened; as have blood, liver, and nervous system problems, serious allergic reactions, and new or worsening heart failure. Before treatment, get tested for tb. Tell your doctor if youve been to areas where certain fungal infections are common, and if youve had tb, hepatitis b, are prone to infections, or have flulike symptoms or sores. Dont start humira if you have an infection. Ask about humira, the 1 prescribed biologic by dermatologists. Clearer skin is possible. Ve been on im bushed my feel alyea me too. Excuse me. Coming through ride the gel wave of comfort with dr. Scholls massaging gel insoles. Theyre proven to give you comfort. Which helps you feel more energized. All day long. I want what he has. [ cheers and applause ] seth welcome back to late night everybody. Back sitting with us tonight he is a Founding Member of the Ground Breaking and grammy awardwinning, california based band deftones, whose latest album gore is out now. Abe cunningham, everybody. Right over there. [ cheers and applause ] and please give it up for our entire 8g band with us every night over there. [ cheers and applause ] our first guest tonight, is a four time nba champion, a 15 time nba all star, and recent inductee into the Basketball Hall of fame. Hes currently an nba analyst on tnt. Please welcome back to the show our friend Shaquille Oneal. [ cheers and applause ] seth great to see you again. Nice to see you brother. Seth always a pleasure and congratulations. Since the last time you were here, inducted into the nba hall of fame. Oh, thank you. I appreciate that. [ cheers and applause ] seth now is that it that the nba hall of fame ring. This is not the official hall of fame ring. Seth i was gonna say, that doesnt look official. Yeah, this is this is one that i had made for myself. Seth okay. As youngster im programmed [ laughter ] yeah, as a youngster i was always programmed, to when i win something i would give it to my father. And i finally asked him why he did that and his reasoning was, he never wanted me to get satisfied. Seth got it. So you know, when he passed away i dedicated a room in my house to him but i didnt want to wear that one. Seth gotcha. cause it was special. So i just put it in his room so i just had a new one made. Seth and did you make the design yourself . Did you know exactly what you wanted . Of course i did. [ laughter ] of course i did. Yes, it has a number. Seth so wait hall of fame. Seth yep. The heat. I won one championship with the heat. Seth lakers in three, thats fantastic. And were you happy with the craftsmanship . Did you like what you got . I did it myself, so yes. Seth oh you did . Yes. Seth but wait, obviously you werent, you know, carving it out or anything . Yes, i did everything myself. [ laughter ] seth how was the induction ceremony . You were there for a great class of people. Allen iverson, yao ming. Allen iverson, yao ming. Seth sheryl swoops. Sheryl swoops. It was actually it was actually wonderful. It was a great event and when i realized that it was going to happen so soon. Seth yeah. You know, i would like to think that it would eventually happen. You know later down the line but it just happened so quick. I wish my father was there to celebrate with me, but i had my children there and my family there. My woman was there. So it was a great day. Seth and you actually were helpful yeah, congratulations, you were helpful because [ cheers and applause ] yao ming was also there, and there was a moment where they had to put his hall of fame jacket on him. And thats really a job for a basically you were the only other guy there who could do it. [ laughter ] i was actually sitting there and we were there all day, it was like taking all day. And the guy was i was like let me do it. [ laughter ] let me do it, so we can get out of here. But hes a nice guy. Funny thing about yao ming, the first three years that i played against him we never spoke. So one time he hit me with a nice move i was like, that was a great move. Hes like, thanks my brother. [ laughter ] i was like, you speak english . He was like, yeah shaq, i speak english. You never talk to me. [ laughter ] i was like he set me up the whole time. Seth was it you mention your father. Was it an emotional night for you . You dont strike me as a guy because you are so much fun and youre so effusive all the time. Was it an emotional day at all . It was emotional. But i had a lot of people texting me, i bet you 20,000 that youre going to cry. So i was sitting up there i was just thinking, cookies. [ laughter ] frosted flakes. Cereal. Swimming. [ cheers and applause ] seth and now you mention got heat and lakers on your ring there. Won championships with both. And now youre getting a number retired with the heat as well. Yes . Yes. Seth so that must be a nice moment as well. Nice moment. I remember when i got traded from the lakers and moved to miami. I was just messing around. It was like a scene from the warriors. I pulled up in a truck and there was a thousand people there. And i opened my big mouth and i said, im going to bring a championship to the city and the first year we almost got it done, and the next year we did get it done. So thank you to the arison family and the riley family for retiring the jersey. Yes. Seth fantastic. Congratulations on that as well. [ cheers and applause ] now you are a selfdescribed ambassador of fun. This is a title youve bestowed on yourself. Yes. [ laughter ] seth correctly bestowed. If you had not bestowed it on yourself i would happily bestow it on you now. Thank you. Seth but i think we have Video Evidence that proves theres no man more deserving than ambassador of fun. This is you at a bar mitzvah. Oh [ laughter ] seth let me just say. Shalom. Shalom. [ laughter ] seth you got the moves. Lets take a look. [ laughter ] [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] seth you know they say they always say white people cant dance. But then you see a room full of jews and you say, you know what. [ laughter ] no they were im not going to say that. You can say that. I cant say that. [ laughter ] seth thats a joke seth can tell. Yeah. Exactly, yeah. Wasnt me. Seth but thank god. I have a question. Seth yeah. Is that you, right there . Seth is this me where . The little figurine. Seth yeah, thats me here. Thats awesome. Seth yeah, right i had a cartoon. You did . Seth yeah it was on hulu. It was called the awesomes. And that was me. I got to be that guys voice. Would you like it . Yes. Can i have it . [ laughter ] thanks. [ laughter ] seth well now, hold on. [ cheers and applause ] oh its one of the ones, please put him right here. Seth there we go. Perfect. There you go. Dont you move little sethie. [ laughter ] thats his name, sethie. Hey sethie. [ laughter and applause ] thats awesome. Seth yeah. There you go. Im going to use this as a perfect transition. Because you do a lot of stuff for toys for tots and now here we are this season again. And youve been doing that for years. Yeah . Well shaqaclaus started in 1992. Seth okay. My mother was speaking to about 500 boys and girls club members. So when she got done speaking, you know the kids were basically telling her that were not getting anything for christmas so she called me and was like, baby can we borrow some money . And like i heard something was wrong in her voice, and i was like mommy whats wrong . Shes like i need to borrow money so i can buy some of these kids some toys. I said how many kids are we talking about . Shes like 500. So if cant buy some of them ill take care of it. Seth yeah. And then i have a plan, so seth and is that that rookie year for you . 92 . Yeah, rookie year. So as im riding home, a uhaul place that id never seen before just popped out of nowhere. Ah [ laughter ] so we pull up to the uhaul place and get about four uhaul trucks. And we just go to toys r us and we just wiped toys r us out. Next day we drop these toys off. Ive been with marine toys for tots, and toys r us for about nine, ten years and [ cheers and applause ] its christmas is supposed to be a day of joy and fun. And its an astonishing stat that really saddens me. 15. 5 million kids will wake up on christmas without one single toy. I actually kind of know how that feels. I dont want any other kids to feel like that. So we urge people to donate toys. Old toys. Donate money and, you know, we want to try to get rid of that number. Seth and just to prove exactly the work youre doing [ cheers and applause ] this is you this is you at toys r us with the receipt of the toys that you bought here in atlanta. And that is to be a shaq length receipt thats a lot of toys right there. A lot of toys. Seth i also want to talk to you one of the things we talk about when youre here, is your many business ventures. And i think one day youre going to be in the business hall of fame. Because you have been really smart ever since throughout your career and since you finished. How do you pick the brands that you decide youre going to go into business with . Well, i have to really like the brand. I always tell the story that wheaties wanted me to be on the cover on the box of wheaties. And i was like i dont know what that tastes like. I cant do it. [ laughter ] but if you call frosted flakes, me and tony will look good on the cover. [ laughter ] so frosted flakes turned me down. [ cheers and applause ] but i was on the cover of 13. 5 million boxes of fruit loops last year. Seth you were, you did fruit loops . Yes i did. Seth there you go. Congratulations. It was awesome. But, so you know i have to be i have to like the product. Icy hot really works. Seth icy hot really works. One time i had a thigh injury, and i rubbed it on my thigh. And it got up to the man area and then, really hot. [ laughter ] really hot. So when they came along i was like, you know what, icy hot works. Seth all right. [ laughter ] yeah, im in. Seth and now with your tnt family, with your nba tnt family. Is it true that you will gift to them products that you endorse . Of course. Seth so if those guys, barkley is he going to get icy hot this year . Yeah. Hes gonna get icy hot. Hes gonna get some krispy kreme, thats hit favorite meal anyway. [ laughter ] hes gonna get some shaq watches, you know get some shaq shoes. Shaq everything. Seth now, this to me is mind blowing. You got involved very early with google. Yes. Seth as an investor in google. How did that come about . I was sitting at a restaurant one day. And a guy was, you know, talking. Asked me if i wanted to invest in something, and talking about search engines, and the way of the future. And i was like, yeah, ill do it. [ laughter ] and then funny thing is, i forgot all about it. And i was just reading the paper one day, and it listed everybody who got the big hit from google