If you and i formed an alliance. cause of the downsizing. I think an alliance might be a good idea. You know, help each other out. Do you want to form an alliance. With me . Absolutely i do. Good, good, excellent. Okay, now we need to figure out whos vulnerable and who is protected. There may be jim at that moment, i was just so happy. I mean, everything dwight does annoys me. Did you get your tickets . To what . The gun show. [laughs quietly] and i spend. Hours thinking of ways to get back at him, but only in ways that would get me arrested. And then here he comes and he says, no, jim, heres a way. And theres one other thing, and this is important lets keep this alliance totally a secret. [whispers] yeah. Dont tell anyone. An alliance . jim oh, yeah. What does that even mean . I think it has something to do with survivor, but im not sure. Um. [laughs] i know that it involves spying on people, and we may build a fort in accounting jim. Hey. Hey. Hi, pam. Listen, could i talk to you for a second about the. Paper products . Did you tell pam about the alliance . What . No just now oh, no, no, no, no. Dwight, no. Im using her, for the alliance. jim who knows the most information about this office . Pam. Right. Thats good. Good. Pursue this. Well, im trying to. Mmhmm. Do you see what im doing . Mmhmm. But listen, im gonna have to talk to her a lot. All right . And there may be chatting and giggling. And you gotta just pretend to ignore it. Wipe it away. Done. All right. The physical damage was pretty bad. The emotional toll was even worse. Our daughter had nightmares. What that robber really took from us was our peace of mind. With adt, we got it back. [ male announcer ] every 14. 6 seconds, a burglary takes place in the united states. So rely on the fast alarm response of adt. A single adt system can help protect you from burglary, fire, and high levels of carbon monoxide. 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Visit bray scarff and save 10 on select ge cooking appliances when you buy two or more. Hurry in for this limited time offer first date butterflies disappeared when conversation shifted to quoting classic 80s movies, followed by delicious entrees, like our new bacon jack grilled chicken with fresh avocado, from our 20 dinner for two menu. Chilis. More life happens here. Sh shes right there. That is meredith. The birthday girl. And this. Is merediths card. Happy birdday. [laughs] um, lets see. Jim. Jim wrote meredith, i heard youre turning 46. But, come on, youre an accountant, just fudge the numbers. Not bad. Pretty funny. I dont appreciate condoning corporate fraud, though. Uh, heres the thing. Whatever i write here has to be really, really funny. Because people out there are expecting it. Ive already set the bar really high. michael and theyre all worried about their jobs, you know . Its kinda dark out there. Can you imagine if i wrote something like, uh, oh, meredith. Um, happy birthday. Youre great. Love, michael. [scoffs] [gags] [laughs] they seem awfully chummy, dont you think . Yeah. What do you think thats about . Only one way to find out. Im on it. You are not going to believe this. What . I believe it. Well, tensions were high in the kitchen. I could tell from the body language. Hey, that looks good. What is that, turkey . Italian. Oh, italian. Nice. Wow. You got the works there. Red onion, provolone. Yeah. jim toby and kevin, theyre trying to get angela kicked off. Good. Let em. Thats fine. It helps our cause. Well, i dont know. Because if kevins in accounting, yeah. And tobys in human resources, and theyre talking . Oh. Theyre forming an alliance. I love their sandwiches. I love their sandwiches too. Yeah, their breads really good. Their bread is very good. Damn it god rrrrrrr [car alarm] okay, listen. We need to assume that everyone in the office is forming an alliance, and is therefore trying to get us kicked off. God damn it why us . Because were strong, dwight. Because were strong. Meredith, meredith. Mary. Mary had a little lamb. Mary. Meredith had a little lamb. Dont bring that lamb to work, or itll poop on the floor [door knocks] hey oscar. Cmon in, whats up . Uh, im sorry to bother you. Oh, not at all. Come on in. Whats goin on . My nephew is involved with, um, a charity for cerebral palsy. And i was wondering if maybe youd like to. You know. What . Uh, donate to the charity. Oh, god. Of course i would. Pshhh. Get it over here get that over here. Thank you. You know, im always good for some serious buckage. Wow. Two dollars . Three dollars . People out here do not care about. Diseases. Im going to give you 25. Thats. Thats. Thats very generous. Oh, my gosh. Well, listen, oscar. Generosity, and togetherness, and community, all convalescences into. Morale. Thats what i say, so. [clicks tongue] pam hey, jim. Can i talk to you for a second . Sure. Whats up . Um, i dont know. Im just, like, going a little crazy. cause i keep overhearing all of these conversations between michael and corporate about, like. Staff issues. Oh, no. Yeah. Hes making me take notes on these meetings, and im like, these people are my friends, right. But hes all like, this is confidential, you cant tell anybody. But i dont know, i just feel like i wanna just promise me youre not gonna say anything . I will not. Im not gonna tell anybody. Okay. This is between you and me. Yeah. Jackpot. jim that was beautiful. All her idea, too. Awesome. Shes so great. You wanted to see me . Uh, yeah. What do you know about meredith . I dont think shed be missed. Theres not going to be downsizing, dwight, okay . I justi need to know a little bit more about. My friend. Name meredith palmer. Uh, personal information divorced twice, two kids. Uh, employer dunder mifflin paper, inc. Awards multiple dundies i know all that. Ii know all that. I justi need something kind of embarrassing, you know . Kinda fun, inside. She had a hysterectomy. Which one is that again . Its where they remove the uterus. Oh, god, dwight, no im trying to write something funny here, okay . What am i gonna do with a removed uterus . It could be kind of funny. You know what . I am on a deadline here. And, justokay. Thanks, thanks for your help. Ill work it out. Thank you, dwight. Okay, heres the deal. All right. Pam says that one of the alliances is meeting in the warehouse during merediths birthday party. Oh, my god, we have to be there. I know. But its gonna be a little tough, because theres no good place to hide down there. No, no, yes there is. Behind the shelves oh, my god. What, what, what . I know. I know. I know exactly what to do. Great. dwight im a deer hunter. I go all the time with my dad. One thing about deer, they have very good vision. One thing about me, im better at hiding than they are. At vision. This is gonna be perfect, okay . Centrally located. Perfect cover. I can hear and see everything. Good. [door knocking] michael. Just a sec. Are you done yet . Almost there. Just a. Second. It is perfect. Thank you. Excellent. Here we go. It is time. Thank you. Okay cmon, lets go get the cake here we go. Cmon, cmon, cmon shh be quiet wait, this isnt gonna work. The lids open. So, tape it down. I cant do that. Then you wont be able to breathe. Look, i can breathe just fine, okay, but if it makes you feel better, ill poke holes in the box. Thank you. Thank you. Okay. [door opening] surprise oh surprise no, its a its surprise, Meredith Michael one, two, happy birthday to you find the key. Happy birthday so, you want me to stay here and, you know, stand next to the box, or no you need to go upstairs to the party so people dont notice that were both gone. Right. Thats good. Can i trust jim . I dont know. Do i have a choice . No. Frankly, i dont. Will i trust jim . Yes. Should i trust jim . You tell me. Happy birthday, dear meredith happy birthday to you and many more looks like you started to make something. Oh, a green [ female announcer ] cheerios. With flavors your heart will love. You were surprised, werent yo yes. You looked freaked, man. We said, surprise, and you were, like, what . What the hells goin on here . Good cake. Why dont you have some . I. I cant, um. Cmon. A little bit. A little bit. No, no, i cant eat dairy. Oh, right. Oh, god. Too bad, its so good. Yeah, it makes me sick. You know what . If i were allergic to dairy, i think id kill myself. cause this is way, way too good. pam hes in a box . jim pam, hes in a box. Hes downstairs in a box on the floor near the shelves. [laughs] im serious. Go down there. And work your magic. pam hey, where are you . Yeah, we were supposed to meet here. What . Oh, my gosh that ties in perfectly with something that michael was telling me earlier. I just dont know what some of the people in, like, accounting, are gonna do. It said specifically that. Oof. Oh. Hey, jim. Good party, huh . Just a Little Something i. Whipped up, you know, a little morale boost. Yeah . No big deal. Speaking of which, i meant to tell you. Very impressive. The, uh, donation you gave to oscars charity. Oh. What was that, 25 bucks . Yeah, well, you know, money isnt everything, jim. Its not the key to happiness. You know what is . Joy. You should remember that. Maybe youd give more than 3. 00 next time. Yeah, well, 3. 00 a mile is going to end up being, like, 50 bucks. So. God, i cant even calculate what youre gonna have to give. Is oscar around . I just thought it was a, kind of a flat, you know, 25 onetime donation. I didnt think it was a permile kinda deal, you know, so. Well. Thats what a walkathon is. I know it says it right on the sheet. Look, look at the sheet. It says its however many dollars per mile. Right. Got it. Yes. So, it does. Um. I just think its kind of cheap to undonate money to a charity. No. No, no, no, no, no. Ii wasntthat wasnt what i was. No. Iiits not about the money. Its just. Its the ethics of the thing, oscar. Hows your nephew . Is he in good shape . Yeah. How many miles did he do last year . Last year, he walked 18 miles. Son of a bitch. That is impressive good for him. Happy birthday, meredith. michael read it out loud. And say who wrote everything, so we know whose is the best. Happy birdday. Meredith, good news youre not actually a year older, because you work here, where time stands still. [laughter] i dont know about that meredith that was stanley. Meredith, happy birthday. Youre the best, love, pam. all aw. Blech thanks, downer. [scoffs] meredith this is from michael. Meredith lets hope the only downsizing that happens to you is that someone downsizes your age. michael because of the downsizing. Rumors. And because youre gettin old. No, i get it its funny. You didnt get the joke. So. Thats cool. Thatsyou know what . Actually, i have a bunch of these. Good ones that i didnt use. Um. Oh, wheres that, uh oh, okay, heres a good one. Um, hey, meredith, liz taylor called. She wants her age back and her divorces back. cause merediths been divorced, like, twice . Is that right . Uh, youre right. michael did i get that right . Okay. Right. Yes. Divorce. Um. Oh, okay. Meredith is so old. How old is she . Well, if everybody. Could do it. Meredith is so old. everybody how old is she . Shes so old, she went into an antique store and they kept her. michael well, that wasnt even mine. I got that off the internet. Website. So, dont get mad at me. Uh. Nice party, michael. This isnt my fault. Um, ladies, not your best effort. The streamers . I think we could have done better than that, dont you think . Phyllis wanted red. I didnt. Oh, boy, you. Okay, wait all right, people, hold on, hold on, hold on just a second, okay . I think were losing sight of what is really important here. And, that is that we are a group of people who work together. I wasi really wasnt gonna flaunt this. I have made a very sizeable donation to oscars nephews. Walkathon. 25. Per mile. Per mile, yes. When i retire, iii dont want to just disappear to an island somewhere. I want to be the guy who gives everything back. A check for the kids. And for the team. michael i want it to be like, hey, who donated that hospital wing. That is saving so many lives . Uh, well, i dont i dont know. It was anonymous. Well, guess what . That was michael scott. But, ah. It was anonymous, how do you know . Because im him. michael come here. Dont cash that until friday, okay . Really . Today . Yeah. Oh. Happy birthday. Thanks. I could Say Something dont do that. Okay. Okay, okay i have something that totally tops the box o tell me tell me okay. I have just convinced dwight that he needs to go to stamford, and spy on our other branch. No, no, no. jim but before he does so, i told him that he should dye his hair to go undercover. [laughter] if we can get him to drive to connecticut and put peroxide in his hair [door slams] what the hell is this . What, are you trying to cop a feel or somethin, halpert . No, dude, no dude, no, i was just listenwhoa god, i dont even i dont even know how to explain this. Um, uh. Dwight asked me to be in an alliance. [laughs] and, then, um, um, we were weve just been messing with him, uh, because of the whole alliance thing. Um. Its just office pranks. Its stupid. Its just office pranks. An alliance . What the hells he talking about . I have absolutely no idea. Cmon. dwight do i feel bad about betraying jim . Not. At. All. Thats the game. Convince him were in an alliance, get some information, throw him to the wolves. Thats politics, baby. Get what you can out of someone, then crush them. I think jim might have learned a very valuable lesson. Well take something tasty and healthy. If you wanna go and fly with me its buzz t bee on your tv oh how did i get this way . Hey must be the honey theres a party going on in your cereal bowl os can help lower cholesterol oh why does it taste so great . Hey must be the honey hey must be the honey hey must be the honey deoxyribonucleic acid. He knew that. [ male announcer ] with everything. Go goooo no. No no no no no. Mommys here. [ male announcer ] but that kind of love is. Frowned upon. So instead she gives him capri sun. So he gets more of what he needs without all the her he doesnt think he need capri sun. With absolutely no artificial preservatives. Mom swaps one of my snacks for a yoplait. I dont mind, i mean its orange creme. And when mom said bobby was too edgy. sup girl. I just swapped him out for tyler. sup girl. Mom never questioned bobby again. Two can play at this game. [ female announcer ] swap one snack a week for a yoplait. And everybody wins. Yoplait. It is so good. The following program contains sting russ stunts that should not be reenacted. Viewer discretion is advised. Now on whacked out sports, an announcer acts up after a woman wipes out. If you could come over here, we have a little diarrhea. We have snowball nonos. A guy takes a face full. Jumping jack crash. Babes hold their own grabathon. The whacked out sports sports top five. Take a leak, whacked out sports is right now. [ music ] todays show is brought to you by newtons first law. It wont remain in motion if its stopped by a wall, a tree, a rock, or that cukey thing. Knee pads in place, helmets on, lets break something. Nascar has number 24, but the wackiest paint job is Derrick Lightfoot in nber 20 hatchback, a melted bag of skittles. Girlfriend loves to dance. That was pretty fresh. Three full flips capped off by a half roundoff landing. What say you, judges . Oh, he got robbed. [ applause ] they say if you want a new perspective, you have to change your point of view. These lang distance jumps look pretty awesome. From a few hundred feet up, they also look freaken rad. I can see my house from here. Yonder is the hospital. Landing on a downward inline lowers the force of impact but not enough, apparently. Check out his spokes. Snapped like pere pretzel stick. That iv bag, a sports drink. The first thing youve got to do when this happen is replenish your electrolytes. If only there was a way to rush him to the hospital. Oh, yeah, they have a helicopter. See, it all works out. From bikes to a snowmobile snafu. A wise man once said dont eat yellow snow. And an even wiser one said dont eat it on a yellow snowmobile. See what i mean . Your afternoon snowmo is 500 pounds or eleven nicole richies, only not as pointy. Then of course the worst part of any snowmobile wreck, the buddies gathering around to warm themselves on the heat radiating from your humiliation. Where is th the yeddi attack whn you need one. Being the whacked out sports announcer is glamourish. We have two kinds of free soda if the kitchen, but thats not why i do what i do. The most important thing is giving back to the community. Like when i was ten, i stole a kick ball from the rec center but i totally gave it back, last week. But my Real Public Service passion is working for my Favorite Charity able organization, road strippers international. We take people who suffer from inner ear disorders and balance problems and put them on High Performance motorcycles. You never stand so tall as when you drag someone out of a hospital bed and strapped them on to 250cc crotch rocket. Our clients get a kick out of it. Mike left most of his forearm on burnside avenue. I believe just because you can stand longer than 10 seconds at a time, it doesnt mean you shouldnt be able to pop a wheelie. Does that make me a hero . Im no hero, just a guy who wears a cape occasionally. Coming up, daredevil dorks hooked from the roof. This guys got an ankle breaking heart. Getting tacod on two wheels. Commando women storm the beaches in a four wheelen friendscy and 1 drop that are remote, you just flipped over to whacked out sports. A half hour of rubber necking, flaming wreckage, just to the package. We have grinders that are keepers, but mostly losers and weepers. If poor judgment was an olympic event. These goof balls would take the gold. Thats the way with we swing on whacked out sports. My adrenaline is pumping. Once again, its time to play thank you, thank you everybody. Were here in new rochelle new york where Danny Westbrook is about to do the first and possibly the last stunt of his misguided le. Hes 25 feet up on the roof and below is the mattress he sleeps on. You dont just get up on a roof and jump off. It takes a lot of stalling and chickening out. I guess hes not feeling it. Maybe a little more runway for the takeof. Nope. Could he be coming to his senses . Not with his friends there. Nope, dannys commitmented, hes going t