we bash his skull? you really have to ask yourself, where does it stop. a tweet posted from a zombie: "dear leader, thank you for your honesty and courage to tell the truth about the the zombie apocklism." it's right here. now, who wants to talk about infrastructure? huh? >> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, stephen welcomes. ellie kemper. andrew dice clay. and peter serafinowich. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you very much! hey, everybody! welcome. thanks, everybody. welcome to "the late show"." i'm your host, stephen colbert. ladies and gentlemen, we have a great show for you tonight. i'm so excited we have ellie kemper tonight. because i believe she is the ray of sunshine we all need right now. because it's dark. it's getting a little dark out there. it's getting a storm. and whatever is coming down from those clouds, it's brown for some reason. i'm still recovering, personally. i'm still recovering from president trump's kamikaze press conference yesterday, where donald let donald be donald, the consequences and our countries be damned. and it was truly one for the ages-- specifically, 1939 to 1945. right? '36, '36? let's just remind ourselves of how we got here. last saturday-- which i think was a year ago, something like that? nazis and the k.k.k. provoked violence in charlottesville, virginia. that's what they wanted. that's why they went there. after a nazi killed a young woman named heather heyer, donald trump made a statement and improvised during the statement, that there was violence on "many sides, many sides." and people were upset-- other than nazis. nazis liked it. ( laughter ) so, trump's chief of staff, john kelly, pressed trump to make another public statement. grudgingly, mr. trump agreed. "okay, i'll say nazis are bad, but you can't make me mean it. okay? i call-- okay. i call. ( cheers and applause ) fingers crossed. fingers-- fingers crossed, okay. i call nazi backsies." ( laughter ) so on monday, donald trump went to the mic in the white house and read this: >> racism is evil and those who cause violence in its name are criminals and thugs, including the k.k.k., neo-nazis, white supremacists and other hate groups that are repugnant to everything we hold dear as americans. >> stephen: there you go. maybe not inspiring or heartfelt, but the right thing to say. and you know it was the right thing to say because he hated saying it. ( laughter ) evidently, donald trump "fumed to aides about how unfairly he was being treated, and expressed sympathy with nonviolent protesters who he said were defending their 'heritage.'" so, yesterday afternoon, when he was supposed to be talking about highway infrastructure, donald trump drove america's moral leadership right through the guardrails by saying some of the people bearing torches with the nazis were just good joes. >> not all of those people were neo-nazis, believe me. not all of those people were white supremacists, by any stretch. i don't know if you know, but they had a permit. the other group didn't have a permit. i think there's blame on both sides. i think there's blame on both sides. and i don't have any doubt about it, and you don't have any doubt about it, either. >> stephen: oh, mr. president, there is only one thing i no longer have any doubt about: you showed us who you were. everywhere, everywhere in this country-- ( applause ) everywhere in this country, people were horrified-- north, south, republican, democrat, top, bottom, sweet, sour. but you know who loved what donald trump said? donald trump. aides say trump was in a very good mood after the press conference, and felt "liberated." liberated. free. "emancipated," if you will. "free at last, free at last, thank god almighty, i am free at last. you like that? melania wrote that. she's very good. she did. ( applause ) now, trump may have been happy with his performance, but not everyone inside the white house felt the same. in fact, "members of the president's staff were stunned and disheartened and said they never expected to hear opinions that the president had long expressed in private." "please, grandpa, you can't say this stuff out loud in the restaurant. ( laughter ) that's fishing boat talk, okay? out of sight of land, and you can just speak your mind. i'm sure your nurse took your watch, even though it's on your wrist right now." in the wake of the furor trump caused by channeling the fuhrer, the white house was desperate to get republicans on board the flaming wreckage that was the s.s. "hindentanic" by releasing talking points to congress, such as, "leaders and the media in our country should join the president in trying to unite and heal our country rather than incite more division." what don't you can't put that on somebody's else. that's the president's job. the pilot can't get on the intercom and say, "attention, passengers, this is the captain speaking. now is the time for people in first class and coach come to the cockpit and show me what all these little buttons, do, okay? push this. push that. okay, hold on. but not every republican followed the talking points. like ohio governor and confused dad in the produce aisle, john kasich. >> the president has to totally condemn this. and this is not about winning an argument. this is about the fact that now these folks are, apparently, going to go other places. and they think they had some sort of a victory. there is no moral equivalency between the k.k.k., the neo-nazis, and anybody else. >> stephen: oh, hell, yes! kasich 2020. that took balls. >> would you be willing to be the guy who goes around to republican leaders and says, "this is our moment. we will tell this president we no longer support him," period? >> well, matt, look, he's our president, okay? >> stephen: i'm sorry. i meant-- i meant someone took his balls. i approximation. and kasich is not the only "profile in thinking about courage." so far, the g.o.p.'s actions have spoken way more flaccid than words. according to aides, "despite house democrats' calls for hearings on the rise of white supremacy, the house judiciary committee has no immediate plans to schedule one." yeah, they don't need to hold hearings. if they want to talk to white supremacists, they can just call the white house switchboard. ( laughter ) "hello? hello? yes, uh-huh? what's that? uh-huh. uh-huh. uh-huh. we tonight have-- no, we don't have any open klan members. white supremist-- is white nationalist okay? i'll connect you through." , of course,-- thank you-- there was one group that really basked in the radioactive glow of the unshielded core of yesterday's trump dump. former klan imperial wizard, long-time trump supporter, and man who looks better with the hood on, david duke, tweeted, "thank you, president trump, for your honesty and courage to tell the truth about charlottesville and condemn the leftist terrorists." wow! david duke complimenting your courage. that's like jeffrey dahmer complimenting your cooking. he means well, but it's a little upsetting. trump also garnered praise from white nationalist adolf hipster, richard spencer. after trump's speech, spencer said he was "really proud of him," tweeting, "trump's statement was fair and down to earth." yes, down to earth. because at this point, it's impossible for donald trump to sink any lower. we've got a great show for you, ellie kemper is here. but when we come back, we're going to have a lot of fun. stick around. ♪ ♪ ( applause ) amay your love for each other never be eclipsed. the perfect camera for a total solar eclipse wedding, galaxy s8. made for summer. (clapping and cheering) ♪ ♪ ♪ get on up, mama. ♪ get on up. ♪ do what you want. ♪ do you want, let the record hop. ♪ degree motionsense. ultimate freshness... with every move. the more you move, the more it works. degree, it won't let you down. no, please, please, oh! ♪ (shrieks in terror) (heavy breathing and snorting) no, no. the running of the bulldogs? surprising. what's not surprising? how much money aleia saved by switching to geico. fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more. fios is not cable. we're a 100% fiber optic network. and with the new fios gigabit connection... you get our fastest internet ever. with download speeds up to 940 megs - 20 times faster than most people have. switch to fios gigabit connection with tv and phone for $79.99 a month online for the first year. plus hbo for one year and multi-room dvr service for two years, all with a two-year agreement. and switching has never been easier. get out of you contract with up to a $500 credit to help cover your early termination fee. go to fiosgigabit.com ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody, welcome back. folks, you know, i'm kind of a bog person. and even when it's not a full moon, i'm also a dog owner, which is why i love a segment we do on "the late show" called "rescue dog rescue," where a celebrity guest and i help find actual rescue dogs a home by telling extremely flattering lies about the puppies. and i'm so proud to say-- this is absolutely true-- we have a perfect track record for finding homes for these dogs. who's a good boy? i am. ( applause ) so what do you say, folks? do you want to hear me lie about some puppies to get them adopted ( cheers and applause ) all right! then it's time for another "rescue dog rescue"! >> stephen: all right, ladies and gentlemen. we've got an adorable batch of dogs back there, and here to help me out is a human puppy hug herself, ellie kemper, everybody! give it up "p" hey, nice to see you. always a pleasure to see you. >> always a pleasure. yay! >> stephen: well, ellie, thank you so much for joining us. you understand how this works? >> heck, yeah, stephen! let's! eat! some! puppies! ( applause ) >> stephen: okay, that is definitely not how it works. >> all right, i'll just follow your lead then. >> stephen: great! a reminder to everybody out there: all the puppies we have here tonight are actual adoptable dogs from north shore animal league america. let's begin. here we go with the puppies. here we go. this is lilly. in addition to being fully housebroken, lilly is an olympic medal-winning high jumper. so you may be wondering, olympic medalist, why is she up for adoption? she only took home the bronze. who do we have next, ellie. >> here we go. this puppy here is lucky. you know those psychic animals that predict sports winners, like the octopus from germany who accurately called eight world cup games in a row? amazing, right? well, lucky ate that octopus. ( laughter ). >> stephen: got to do something. >> got to do something. >> stephen: next up, this is buckley. buckley met tom selleck once and will not shut up about it. he's fun at parties, but if "of "blue bloods" comes on the tv, buckle up. >> oh, i'd know this little gal anywhere. this is callie! she's a rare swiss army dog. her teeth can open bottles, her little fingernails are a complete screwdriver set, and there is a u.s.b. charger in her butt! ( laughter ). >> stephen: comes in handy. comes in handy. oh, here we go! this is chase. this is chase, everybody. chase is part terrier mix, and due to a mishap at the nuclear plant, part mutant.s super powes flight, so when you take him out to pee, bring an umbrella. >> all right! burt, here, is the reincarnated soul of austro- hungarian emperor, leopold i. that's right. leopold was known for his conflicts with the ottoman empire, but you'll know burt for humping your ottoman! ( laughter ) >> stephen: all right, this guy is a little bit nervous. everybody please say hello to titus. there you go. fun fact about titus: he's also a fully functioning cell phone. "hello!? ( phone ringing ) hello? i'm losing you. i don't have any bars. hello? i'll call you on my land-dog. >> okay, oh, my goodness. this is-- uh-oh. am i the first person to drop a puppy? this is chloe. chloe is extremely well-trained and never barks at squirrels-- unless those squirrels have ties to alt-right hate groups. ( laughter ) ( applause ) . ( cheers ) yup. that's good. chloe bites nazis. don't you, girl? >> stephen: that's good. thanks very much. meet perry. perry is a sweet little guy, very loving and playful. and good news-- when you're having sex, perry won't sit in the corner of the room and stare, okay. but he will hide in the hall and listen. and he will judge. ( laughter ) well, that does it for "rescue dog rescue." head to "the late show's" website, www.colbertlateshow.com, for info on how to adopt these dogs from north shore animal league america. ellie kemper, everybody! we'll be right back! >> yay! yay! to tinto a flamecker you'll need a spark. new emergen-c energy+ natural caffeine from green tea to focus your mind. 7 b vitamins plus vitamin c to fortify you. spark the energy within you every day. emergen-c energy+. emerge and see. let's go re-ed! let's go!k! [ clap clap ] let's go yell-ow! let's go! [ clap clap ] let's go rainbow! let's go! get ready, set, go! back to school. it'samerica's #1 is a status earned in every wash. and one we re-earn, everyday. the seal you can trust. #1 trusted. #1 awarded. it's got to be tide. with stain and sealer in one.... exceptional beauty and protection have never been easier.on w stain and sealer. available at national retailers. nice back there. welcome back, everybody. my first guest is the emmy-nominated star of the emmy-nominated series "unbreakable kimmy schmidt." >> come on, kimmy! you know it's okay to step on cracks. just because something rhymes doesn't mean it's true, because i've definitely smelt what i know tituss dealt. like seeing every van i see is going to kidnap me. >> get in the van, kimmy. >> never! >> miss smi. >> it is clobbering time. >> no! missmi, f.b.i. we need your help. >> oh, christmas. i am so sorry. >> are you okay? >> i think she broke my back. >> i broke your mother's back? ( laughter ) >> stephen: please welcome the award-worthy ellie kemper! good to see you. come on up! >> hi! that was so smooth! >> stephen: nice to have you back. >> thank you for having me. >> stephen: nice to see you again. >> such an honor to be here. >> stephen: now the last time you were here was right before the conventions last year in june, 2016. >> yeah, it was ♪ it's a whole new world and for you, too, because you were massively, like any moment pregnant at the time. >> i was three weeks away or something like that. >> stephen: yeah, yeah, and three weeks, you're as good as there. >> absolutely, you're in the safe zone. and i did have the baby. >> stephen: i'm glad. good for you. good for the baby and your lovely husband, michael. say hi. >> i will. >> stephen: boy or girl? >> it's a boy named james. >> stephen: that's nice, that's nice. family name? >> family name from both sides. >> stephen: same father, okay. so, what about-- last time you were here you were talking about-- because catholic, catholic. >> we're both catholic. >> stephen: and your lovely husband is jewish and you weren't sure whether to raise the kids catholic. how is that going? >> he's jewish and that's fine! it's going-- i'm kidding! i shouldn't -- >> stephen: no one says-- are you angling for a job in the trump administration right now? ( laughter ) okay. >> i'm here tonight-- no. yes, we were sort of figuring out how to raise james with what religion? we're going the catholic route. he did get baptized. he got baptized later on in may. he was 10 months old. which i think is too big for the priest to be holding. >> stephen: it's a little big. you have to go to a baby pool or a hot tub. >> priests are not known for their grit, so i was worried he was going to drop him, but he didn't drop him. >> stephen: i bet there are priests out there saying i have plenty of grit. i'm celibate. that takes grit. >> that's true. >> stephen: that builds up the grit after a while. at 10 monthses he must have been scrambling around because they're strong at 10 months. >> they're strong and they're emotional and they have opinions. and, also, this is coupled with the fact that, like, i don't know if this happens to you-- probably not. i get very nervous around priests because i immediately feel like i'm guilty of something. of, i've done something wrong. you know, it's the same thing as policemen. i always feel guilty around a policeman. >> stephen: sure, when i look in my rear-view mirror and see a priest behind me i go, "what did i do?" >> you immediately feel like a villain. >> stephen: one of my favorite things about papatism-- we have three kids and they were all baptized in the catholic church. ski love the baptismal vows because there are things you say in the baptismal vows that you don't hear any other time in your catholic upbringing. my favorite s, do you rejet the glamour of evil." and you have to say, "i do." the priest says, "do you reject the glamour of evil?" and you're like, "mmm, evil, but what's the glamour stuff." >> i didn't know it was so shiny. >> stephen: isn't that the emmy awards. >> i love that. >> stephen: red carpet. >> my priest kind of threw it away as though i wouldn't catch it. "do you rediswrect the glamour of evil?" and it's something you have to say, "yes, i do." you think afterwards it's such an enormous thing they're asking you to do. >> stephen: i think they throw it away because it seems slightly medieval or exorcismy. do you reject satan, the prince of darkness? i always go, "i do! bring him here. i will fight him with my bare hands." did the baby cry? did james cry when he was baptized? >> yes, he screamed. and the priest dunked him in the water-- you say that's good? >> stephen: if the baby doesn't cry, he didn't get the delve out. >> he did! >> stephen: good, if you ever go to a baptism and the baby doesn't cry, just go up to the mother and say, "devil baby." >> i will. >> stephen: it's true. >> that's horrifying gru have to get the hate out. >> he definitely got the hate out. >> stephen: like a bad spirit. >> oh, yeah, he's out. in fact, as soon as we got home from the baptism-- this is no joke-- an hour after the baptism i found james way shard of glass in his hand. it was at my parents' house. why was there glass on their floor? >> stephen: was there a party, a baptism party? >> no, they're just wild people. >> stephen: so you found him with a shard of glass. >> i was watching him. he was miraculously unhurt. i don't know if he was testing god. i don't know what the point was. he turned out okay but i don't know if it was a sign wasn't supposed to do that. >> stephen: my eldest son peter, when he was pretty young, just being able to talk, he had one hand behind his back while i was trying to get his shoes on one morning and he said, "dad, what do i have in my hand?" and i said, "buddy, we have to get going?" and then i went, ," buddy, what do you have in your hand? and he pulled it out and it was a knife. >> you're kidding me. >> stephen: i think he wanted me ask him so i would take it away from him because it was shiny and lovely and he knew he shouldn't have it. >> he was testing you. >> stephen: i think he didn't cry when we baptized him. i think he may be a devil baby. "unbreakable kimmy schmidt," nominated for an emmy. you're an improviser, i know this. are you writing an acceptance speech or are you just going to freeball it? >> i'm going to totally freeball. i think i'll write down-- i don't think i'm necessarily going to win. i'm going to write down a list of names of people to thank because otherwise i would blank on that. do you write down-- i mean, you've won so many awards. i'm not just saying that. it's true. >> stephen: no, no, but then-- you're cursing yourself. then you're putting the hex on you. if you write it down you get the haints in you. >> then you are jinxing it. >> stephen: are you going to thank your baby? >> i'm going to thank james first and foremost. >> stephen: otherwise when they're older they say why didn't you thank me. >> then they're on the therapist's couch. >> stephen: does your son watch the show? >> he does not, and not because of the content, which is very child friendly, by the way. >> stephen: it is. it's positive messages. >> it's very positive. it's sincerely optimistic which i really like about that show. >> stephen: we really need that right now. >> we do, so it's very great that tina and robert created this show which is so uplifting. but james is only one, and i wish that he would be more taken with television, but he is not. >> stephen: you're the one mother who wants more screen time? >> more screen time, more screen time. because, you know, on plane rides or car rides or something, i desperately-- i'll show-- sorry, guys-- i'll show him an iphone hoping he'll stop crying by looking at that but he has no need for that. >> stephen: how old is he? >> one. >> stephen: plenty of time for him to become chemically dependent on the screen. you brought this here today. there have been some advancements on this over the years. >> i think it's just called "the cube." ever since becoming a mother-- let me tell you this-- i thought i would become more mature, but in fact i feel like i'm becoming a baby. like, i go to bed at 7:30, usually. i'm usually eating dinner by 5:00, and most of that is mushy food. it's so strange, i'm crawling everywhere-- no, i'm not crawling. the other thing is-- and any parent knows thisue get these children songs stuck in your head like on a loop. and i get these children's songs stuck in my head that aren't even sweet lullabies. they're music from toys. i brought this here today because i'll show you what this picture pitch is. ♪ square that's a square ♪ the cat sings meo, meow. the cat in the square is peeking out of there ♪ meow, meow, meow, meow the cat's in the square ♪ >> stephen: it has a hook. >> it's a beautiful sound. that's gorgeous. it will be nominated fair grammy. you see why when you're an adult-- >> you can find the animal-- >> stop. that can be grating. so i have tried to adapt these song into more adult versions and i would like to sing them for you. >> stephen: we would love to hear those songs. >> jon, could i get a little "cat in the square"? >> jon: i got that "cat in the square." i got you. ♪ the cat in the square. >> ♪ in the square. >> ♪ is peeking out of there >> ♪ out of there. >> ♪ meow, meow, meow, meow want cat in the square. >> ♪ square yeah. >> ♪ oh, the cat in the square. >> ♪ in the square. >> ♪ is peeking out of there meow, meow, meow, meow ♪ the cat's in the square. everybody! ♪ the cat's in the square ♪ in the square now ♪ is peeking out of there meow, meow meow, meow ♪ the cat in the square ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: "unbreakable kimmy schmidt" is on netflix. good luck at the emmys. that's going to clinch it. we'll be right back with andrew dice clay. ♪ and you probably do. ♪ ♪ you're a beautiful thing. ♪ sc johnson. the lincoln summer invitation is on. it's time for a getaway. now get our best offers of the season. on the agile mkc. on the versatile midsize lincoln mkx. or go where summer takes you in the exhilarating mkz. the lincoln summer invitation sales event. ask about complimentary pick up & delivery servicing. right now get zero percent apr plus 1,000 dollars summer savings on the lincoln mkx, mkc and mkz that's the new rockstar. ♪ ♪ all jeans on sale, up to fifty percent off. no time to spare! how was your vacation? hey, guys, what's this tomato doing at randy's desk? [all coworkers laugh] hahahahaha. you know, that actually reminds me, steve. i got you something. aloha! mangoes can get sunburned. put some flavor in your break- with new snapple mango tea- make time for snapple. depression is a tangle of multiple symptoms. ♪ that's why there's trintellix, a prescription medication for depression. trintellix may help you take a step forward in improving your depression. tell your healthcare professional right away if your depression worsens, or you have unusual changes in mood, behavior or thoughts of suicide. antidepressants can increase these in children, teens and young adults. do not take with maois. tell your healthcare professional about your medications, including migraine, psychiatric and depression medications, to avoid a potentially life-threatening condition. increased risk of bleeding or bruising may occur, especially if taken with nsaid pain relievers, aspirin or blood thinners. manic episodes or vision problems may occur in some people. may cause low sodium levels. the most common side effects were nausea, constipation and vomiting. trintellix had no significant impact on weight in clinical trials. ask your healthcare professional about trintellix. ( applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. ladies and gentlemen, my next guest tonight was one of the biggest and most controversial comedians of the 80s and the 90s. he is back starring as himself in canned di "dice" on showtime. please welcome andrew dice clay. ♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> this is great. >> stephen: nice to see you. boy, i like the outfit. >> thank you. >> stephen: after all these years, you're still dicing it up. >> well, this is what i do. >> stephen: you still do it very well. >> this is what i do. >> stephen: you still have the fingerless gloves from the 80s. >> of course,. >> stephen: you stole that vest from adam ant. you look fantastic. the hair is gray but you still have the same vibe, man. >> that's what i do. >> stephen: you have a big comeback when you were cast in "entourage." you were in requested blue jasmine" to great reviews. >> why are you reading it i know what i've done. >> stephen: but these people don't. "dice" now on showtime. what's success like now as compared to your meteoric rise to fame 20 years ago. >> you know what? i went through a lot of controversy years ago because i was the first comic to fill 20,000 seats a night so i had to deal a lot with the media back then, not understanding that it is all a big joke, that these are just jokes i do. you know -- >> stephen: getting in trouble for telling jokes, what is that like, andrew dice clay? >> you know what it was like? they never saw a comthey can could do, you know, 100,000 people a week, which is what i was doing. >> stephen: uh-huh. >> but i got -- >> stephen: like, what kind of arenas were you filling? >> in new york, madison square garden, nassau coliseum, the meadow lands. >> stephen: it's like you, the stones, and the who in the same locale. >> it was a very exciting time but a very stressful time. i think this time i'm enjoying fame a lot more. i'm getting to do what i always wanted to do, act, and things like vinyl for scorsese. my show runner here scott armstrong from "dice." and the reason i love "dice" is i get to be self-deprecating. you know, i get to make fun of myself. and scott makes sure to it. and he's one of the best, movies like "old school" "hangover 2." and it's like, all right, we hear your ideas. now let us do what we have to do. >> stephen: what were some of the things you got most in trouble for, things that people didn't understand? >> you know, but that's what-- you know, there's a dramatic show tonight where you did at the beginning, it's heavy. and i do-- you know, when i think of trump, i go, "this guy stole my whole act to become president." you know. ( laughter ) just-- you know. ( applause ). >> stephen: a little bit. >> but the bottom line is what i do is an act, and when you're the president of these united states, i have to agree-- we need to stay united. and, you know, somebody has to own up. and this is want greatest country in the world. and when you have-- ( applause ) you know, the opportunity to go out and live your dream, that's an incredible thing, and everybody should be allowed to do it, and it should be safe in the streets. and i completely agree what you were talking about you know. >> stephen: well, did you-- >> i gotta say it, you know. >> stephen: yeah? >> you know, because i know donald for a long time. >> stephen: oh, you know mr. trump. >> i did "the aprentice" and he booked me in his hotels, and that's all good. that's all business. but when you want to run the country, you make it safe for the people that live in that country. that's the bottom line. ( applause ). >> stephen: you know, a lot of people say-- a lot of-- >> if i was running for president-- if i was running for president. >> stephen: yeah. >> you know, like, remember when he had those arguments with hillary, those three argument s. >> stephen: you mean the debates. >> yeah, when they were fighting. >> stephen: yeah, the debates. >> to me they weren't debates. they were arguments. like, if i was running for president i would come out and make it simple for people. i would tell them things i could make happen. >> stephen: like what. >> like, if i'm president, no more monday. ( laughter ) nobody likes monday. let's go right to the tuesday. >> stephen: okay. are we doubling down, is it double tuesday-- two saturdays, i like that. >> you go to wednesday. nobody really cares about thursday because the weekend's coming. un, things that you could get done, you know ( laughter ). >> stephen: because you know all the best calendar guys. you get the beam pooem on it. you know a guy. >> great band, by the way. >> stephen: amazing band. amazing band. great band. >> my, my, my sons who are on "dice" with me -- >> stephen: yeah, they've got a band, don't they? >> they've got a band, still rebel. >> stephen: still rebel, there you go. this is a prop. >> it's up on spoddify. that's surreal, working with my own sons. >> stephen: that's so nice. i would love to work with my sons. now, did they cry when they were bap tilessed. >> they cried because they both got the bric thing, the rabbi. >> stephen: i understand, i would cry, too. >> i'm still looking for the rabbi that did me. i'm telling you that right now. >> stephen: asking for a rebate? asking for a rebate. >> it's not that big, but it's heavy. it's got weight. you know what i mean? ( laughter ) you know what i mean? >> stephen: it's got girth! we're talking girth. >> listen to me. we're men. me and you are men. >> stephen: man to man. man to man! >> when i'm walking around, it almost feels like i'm doing schugz, that's how heavy it is. >> stephen: see, that's your platform. that's your platform. "not that long, but, lord, it's heavy." i'd put that on a lawn sign. andrew dice clay, nice to see you. season two of "dice" premieres this sunday on showtime. andrew dice clay, everybody. we'll be right back with peter serafinowicz. you can do endless online research. or, you can take advantage of our best offer ever on an xt5. don't wait. our 2017 models will be moving fast. you can drive a car... or you can drive a cadillac. come in now before the end of our made to move 2017 clearance event and leave with the perfect cadillac xt5 for your next adventure. choose a low mileage lease on this xt5 for around $339 per month. the samsung galaxy s8 get threeat best buy.lars off ♪ when you're close to the people you love, does psoriasis ever get in the way of a touching moment? if you have moderate to severe psoriasis, you can embrace the chance of completely clear skin with taltz. taltz is proven to give you a chance at completely clear skin. with taltz, up to 90% of patients had a significant improvement of their psoriasis plaques. in fact, 4 out of 10 even achieved completely clear skin. do not use if you are allergic to taltz. before starting you should be checked for tuberculosis. taltz may increase your risk of infections and lower your ability to fight them. tell your doctor if you are being treated for an infection or have symptoms. or if you have received a vaccine or plan to. inflammatory bowel disease can happen with taltz. including worsening of symptoms. serious allergic reactions can occur. now's your chance at completely clear skin. just ask your doctor about taltz. now's your chance at completely clear skin. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ dj: hey siri, remind me to csiri: okay, i'll remind you. [door crashing] [reminder ding] dj: already on it. ♪ [siri ding] rok!y? we got pencils, yes we do! wide-ruled notebooks, scissors, glue! we've got ice cream... ...sprinkles, too! everything you need to ready, set, go! back to school. ♪ you never know what'll inspire you. ♪ the rhythm of the waves. the language, the laughter. or the noise in the night. ♪ i take it all with me, and give it all back. experience moe as a member. the marriott portfolo has 30 brands in over 110 countries so no matter where you go, you are here. dj: siri: ok, 10 minutes andr 10 counting.es. chef ludo: je sens ce que the rock mijote. dj: man everything does sound better in french. dj: gimme some, chef. ♪ [siri ding] ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody. welcome back to the show. ladies and gentlemen, i have a treat for you. you've seen my next guest in "shaun of the dead," and "guardians of the galaxy," and heard him as darth maul in "star wars: episode one." please welcome peter serafinowicz. come on up. there you go. ♪ ♪ ( applause ) re>> stephen: as i said, you have a fantastic roster of films to your name. perhaps one of my favorite liengz you ever said was, "what a bunch of a-holes" in "guardians of the galaxy." >> thanks, man, thank you. >> stephen: you have done so much voice work over the years, and sometimes americans. how did you get your american accents because-- spoiler alert-- you're not american. where in england are you from, by the way? >> i'm from liverpool. >> stephen: well, that's a really specific english accent. >> yeah, yeah, yeah. >> stephen: you don't have it right now? >> no, not right now, because i'm on television. so i'm-- ( laughter ) but, you know, i suppose, you know, if i still lived in liverpool i would probably talk like, this you know what i mean? >> stephen: oh, wow. the beatles are from liverpool. do you do the beatles? >> yeah, yeah. i loved-- when i was young one of the first voices that i loved to do was john lennon, you know. and particularly, ( applause ) thank you. but, really though, you know, the voice that he had when he-- he had been living in new york for five, six years, you know, and, you know, he could look back on the whole beatles thing and just talk very wisely about it. i mean i just love that voice! >> stephen: it's the best. >> i loved it. and then, you know, you, you know, i also, you know, am pretty-- kind of-- a little bit obsessed with paul mccartney. >> stephen: i had to play george one time in a piece. >> oh, that's good. >> stephen: i had to play george harrison for one time for a piece. >> that's good. what do you do that in. >> stephen: it was when abc-- abc had, you know, the beatles memories, that thing. it was me and john and paul, and we were writing, you know, "octopuses garden." that was my george. that's all i could do. >> that's-- that's brilliant. >> stephen: thanks very much. liverpool took forever. you have done something amazing with donald trump this political season. you have revoiced donald trump on youtube videos that i've seen. >> yeah. >> stephen: you've got different versions of donald trump, exactly the words he's saying, exactly timed with his lips. you do sophisticated trump, cockney trump, and possibly my favorite, you have sassy trump. >> uh-huh. ( laughter ). >> stephen: you have a recent sassy trump i'd like to show the audience if you don't mind. and this is donald trump talking about north korea. jim. >> north korea, let's not make any more threats to the united states. they will be met with fire and fury. like the world has never seen. ( laughter ) they have been very threatening beyond a normal statement. and as i said, they will be met with fire, fury, and, frankly, power, the likes of which this world has never seen before. thank you. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: amazing. and now-- incredible, incredible. he sounds more believable. ( laughter ). >> are we not talking about trump anymore. >> stephen: would you thriek talk about trump? >> yes, i would, yeah! i would. >> stephen: can i mention that you're the tick coming up on amazon. >> yes. >> stephen: you're the tick on amazon, it's done. >> the tick. yeah, i play the tick, it's on amazon august 25. it's really good, right. it's great. >> , of course, it is. of course it is. >> i'm not being eye hope i don't come off as being immodest, but i'm great in this show. ( laughter ) no, no. it's very -- >> stephen: again, an american. you're an american. the tick has an american accent. >> yes. >> stephen: you, christian bail, brits taking american superhero jobs. this is why people voted for trump. ( laughter ). >> yeah, i am, i'm a legal immigrant. i have a visa, and, you know, i-- i-- i find that kind of troubling that you would bring that up, actually. ( laughter ) but, actually, on the-- i do-- you know, for some reason there is kind of some mystique about british actors, you know. i'm very happy about it, you know, that-- because i can't get any (bleep) work in london. i really can't, you know ( laughter ). >> stephen: we're suckers over here. >> and, you know, it's like you've got an english accent, suddenly you have 500 points. "wow, he must be some kind of intellectual, and, you know, he must learn his lines and he obviously knows shakespeare." all of these things are false. >> stephen: you don't know any shakespeare? >> shake who? no, no. yeah, me, not really. my wife is an actor, and she knows lots of shakespeare. >> stephen: and you're not an actor. >> no, i am an actor. >> stephen: but you justified her knowing shakespeare by saying she's an actor as if that's for actors, not for-- >> maybe she doesn't, and that was me doing some good acting. ( laughter ) ( applause ). >> stephen: we'll never know. we'll never know. "the tick" premieres next friday on amazon. peter serafinowicz, everybody. we'll be right back. thank you. late show." tune in tomorrow when my guests will be john dickerson, michael rapaport, and musical guest, grizzly bear. now stick around for james corden and his guests harry connick jr., willem dafoe, and emma bunton. good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ( cheers and applause ) >> james: there he is. floyd mayweather. how are you? >> what's up, james? i'm good, man. >> james: so, you're about to go up against conor mcgregor and i can't help you with the actual fight, but let's talk ring walks. you've had lil' wayne, 50 cent