And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen wooo wooo hey hey jon hey stephen whats going on . cheers and applause how are you, man . Jon whats happening . Stephen good to see you. Hey, thanks so much. Please, youre very kind. Thanks so much, everybody. So nice to be here. Welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. cheers and applause happy people. Happy people, of course. Happy tax day, everybody. This is the day when we all release our tax returns to the man who wont release his. laughter now, tax day is traditionally on the 15th of april, but since that was on a saturday, this year they gave everyone three more days to figure out how their bathroom is a home office. laughter i do a lot of reading in there. I do a lot jon a lot of reading in there, a lot of tweeting, you know. Stephen but on the 15th, thousands of people across the country, marched to get trump to release his taxes. cheers and applause beautiful idea. Lovely. Lovely idea. But the tax march did not get trump to release his taxes, much like the womens march did not get trump to release his women. laughter but nice try, nice try. Jon whoa, whoa. Stephen but he did release some tweets. laughter okay, i know you won, but you know those things arent related, right . laughter hey, i just won a spelling bee why are you looking in my crawl space . laughter and trump demanded to know who was really behind the tax marches. Yes, who paid for the rallies . I mean, they were authentic and drew people of all ages, so we know it wasnt pepsi. And laughter delicious. I could go. Delicious product, though, its a delicious product. Please buy it. Are they a sponsor . Are they a sponsor . Sure, why not . laughter and yesterday, during sean spicers daily spicening, the question of trumps taxes came up again. Is it time to just say once and for all, the president is never going to release his tax returns . Um, well have to get back to you on that. If you want i mean, so you. I mean, really . Really. So he may . No, i said id have to get back to you on that. So you cant even say if hell ever release his taxes . No matter what happens . How about this scenario aliens take over the earth, enslave mankind, and their one weakness the one way to destroy them and free humanity is that they are easily susceptible to 2000 2007 itemized tax returns from donald j. Trump. Would he release his tax returns then . I said id have to get back to you on that. laughter stephen hes consistent, hes consistent. Of course, who has time to worry about taxes when were about to go to war with north korea. But never fear, the white house sent mike pence to the d. M. Z. , and because the situation is so serious, he wore his top gun halloween costume. laughter the danger zone cheers and applause i would like to see i wouldnt mind i would like to see mike pence play shirtless volleyball in blue jeans. Jon yeah, that would be nice. Stephen obviously, if his wife was there. laughter and pence has got his work cut out for him because yesterday a north korean u. N. Representative warned now, this show pretapes. laughter so if youre watching this at home right now, we made it cheers and applause to 11 11 41. Im going to call 11 41. And this time, it isnt north korea with an erratic, trigger happy leader. According to one russian official well, then, russia, you should have thought of that before you elected him. laughter cheers and applause laughter our president. cheers and applause what . What what i just put the i forgot to put the im sure cbs wont mind. laughter now luckily, our president had some reassuring words this morning on the fox and the friends. The Vice President is in asia doing the fourstop tour, and he said, basically, the u. S. Is running out of patience, clearly a message to north korea. You have a navy fleet that is sent into the sea of japan right now. Have you ruled out a military strike . I dont want to telegraph what im doing or what im thinking. Stephen okay, but can you at least confirm that you are thinking . laughter and that youre familiar with more Current Technology than a telegraph . laughter no matter what trump was asked in this interview, they taped it monday but showed it this morning. No matter what ainsley asked him, trump never gave a straight answer. Did we sabotage the north korea strike . I dont want to comment on it. Okay, what happens if north korea launches another missile . We will find out. All right. Stephen all right. Have a good war. laughter now heres a word from our sponsor everblast subterranean, leadlined bunkers, everyone else is dead. laughter theyre still working on their motto. Theyre still working on their motto. Also are they a sponsor for us . Are they a sponsor for us . Id love to be in my blast shelter with some pepsi. It would be fantastic. laughter also, i noticed something odd about how trump refers to north koreas leader but, you know, theyve been talking with this gentleman for a long time. They have all been outplayed by this gentleman. Stephen i dont think trump knows kim jonguns name. laughter i dont this gentleman . This gentleman . Are they going to a strip club together . laughter why does he keep calling him this gentleman . Either that, or the best nickname he can come up with is this gentleman. And, mr. President , youre known for your nicknames. Your your your lyin ted, your crooked hillary. And this guy is a name bonanza. laughter theres so many you could try. How about shiitake mushroom hair, or the dear eater, or chairman cow, or the dictator tot, or el presidumpty, or the glorious peoples re piglet. Anything at all for this. cheers and applause looks fantastic. Now, we know trump never backs down from a fight as long as someone else is doing the fighting. Just listen just listen to one of his rallies last year when some protesters interrupted his speech. Come on, get em out get em out get em out. Oh, look who we have here, some wonderful people. Awwwww. Get out of here get out get out unbelievable. U. S. A. u. S. A. u. S. A. stephen u. S. A. u. S. A. that guys in charge of the u. S. A. laughter now, that was in louisville last year, and trumps supporters provided all the slugging. And now those protesters are suing donald trump for inciting violence at his rallies, which is kind of like suing olive garden for inciting breadsticks. laughter but the president has a simple counterargument suck it. Because the presidency, he says makes him immune to lawsuits. Oh, immune to lawsuits. I finally know why he ran for president. laughter uh, mr. Trump, mr. Trump, mr. Trump, as your lawyer i should advise you, you have over 70 pending lawsuits against you. Okay, ive got an idea. Give me that hat. laughter now, one White Nationalist whos being sued by protesters, matthew heimbach, claims that trump should have to pay any damages, not heimbach, because heimbach so to sum up a white supremacist roughs up a protester, protester sues white supremacist, and instead of blaming minorities, the white supremacist blames his problems on a powerful white guy. Progress. laughter baby steps. Baby steps. cheers and applause makes you feel somewhere, somewhere in here. Now, trump is scheduled to make a state visit to Great Britain this year, and not everyone in old england is feeling jolly about it. A petition to cancel the visit was signed by 1. 8million people. cheers and applause 1. 8 wow 1. 8million. Thats a huge number. I mean, thats like a fake inauguration crowd number. laughter and he doesnt want just any arrival when he gets there. Trump wants a goldplated carriage ride with the queen. I dont know why either he wants the goldplated carriage ride with the queen . To make him feel important . Or. Oh no your majesty, if you hear the sound of tictacs, just open the door and roll out. Just get away. Im telling her to get away from him. You understand . Im the good guy if this scenario. You understand . Im being helpful in the thing i just made up. cheers and applause thank you. And the golden carriage is just one of trumps flashy demands. We actually got our hands on the letter that trump sent over to Buckingham Palace with the rest of the wishes. Its the actual letter because its got the president ial seal right there, and you cant fake that. laughter legally, i think i could go to jail. Jon oh yeah, thats it. Stephen i think i could go to azkaban for doing that. I dont know in england what they do with that. All right, here we go. Jimmy, here we go laughter laughter laughter sincerely, donnie. But it was all funny until we killed harry potter. laughter but some people are enjoying the trump administration, and i dont just mean the Founding Fathers who get to have fun spinning around in their graves. Weeeeeeee laughter no, im talking about our old friends the obamas. This week, barack and Michelle Obama were in polynesia, and someone managed to get us this shot of barack taking a vacation picture of michelle. Posing for a picture on a yacht . Wow. Michelle decided to plagiarize melania for once. laughter lets um can we get that back up again . Lets get a closer look. Hes taking a picture with an ipad. laughter daaad come on this is worse than when uncle joe made everyone look at his Leaning Tower of penis. laughter and we miss you, sir. cheers and applause we miss you. And the obamas werent even the most powerful people on the boat, because joining them on the superyacht were oprah, as well as tom hanks and bruce springsteen. That is nearly all of americas strategic likability reserve laughter i just pray to god they put dwayne the rock johnson in a secure location. laughter weve got a great show for you tonight. cheers and applause alec baldwin is here. Stick around. Better than a manual, and my hygienist says it does. But. Theyre not all the same. Turns out, theyre really. Different. Who knew . I had no idea. So, she said look for. One thats shaped like a dental tool with a round. Brush head. Go pro with oralb. Oralbs rounded brush head surrounds each tooth to. Gently remove more plaque and. Oralb crossaction is clinically proven to. 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Its four times stronger. And you can use less. Beautiful view. wiggles butt thanks to charmin. And you, honeybear awwwww we all go. Why not enjoy the go with charmin . Stephen give it up for the band, everybody jon jon. If im not mistaken, if im not mistaken, and, please, please correct me if im wrong here, but you appear to have some very special guests with the band tonight. Would you please tell us who is sitting in. Jon blues legends keb mo and taj mahal. Yeah, baby stephen thank you for being here, gentlemen. Well be hearing songs from their new blues album tonight, tajmo. Thank you for being here. Ladies and gentlemen, my first guest tonight is one of my favorite actors, and i wish he was president. Please welcome the great sir alec baldwin. cheers and applause wooo wow what a nice crowd you have. Stephen they are lovely people. We decided to have a nice crowd for you tonight. Because of you, we decided to have the best crowd of the week. Its chilly in here. cheers and applause stephen its comedy weather. Its comedy weather. Keeps the guests fresh. I was in my closet and thought i have a few suits to put on and i said im not going to wear a suit, im going to give you this dirty cheers and applause i call it the springsteen look, my black shirt. So whats up . Im sorry, i didnt dress up for you. Stephen no, you are always dressed up. You look like you are about to do tae kwon do or something. By the way im about to clean your pool. Stephen you said springsteen just now. Can i ask you a quick question about the obamas . Did you hear what i was talking about, the obamas were on geffens yacht with oprah and springsteen and tom hanks and paul mccartney. Do you ever do stuff like that . Because i hear about stuff like that, and i go, i never get invited to those parties . laughter you dont . Stephen no, i havent. And why do you think that is . laughter no, but im saying, like stephen im too darn busy. Exactly, you are. Sometimes i seem to miss that, you know, because of my kids and, like, ill be making a movie, and the invitation will come and say, come to mick jaggers daughters wedding, or something. And im like, i cant. Im up here in canada making a movie. Ill say to them, can i get out of work to go to mick jaggers daughters wedding. No you cant get out of work to do that. Stephen what a hard life you have. My wife will say, nobody feels sorry for you alec. Stephen nobody should feel sorry for you. You have a lovely wife. You have a brandnew daughter or son . We have our son, leo, who was in the room just now, and we had to change his diaper, and we were afraid somebody was going to walk in and go, oh, alec, what happened in here . laughter it was the baby. Stephen oh, sure. Also, not only the new baby, but also you have one of the greatest careers of all time, which is a silly thing were doing now. Stephen exactly, right now. You are when i saw your donald trump for the first time. cheers and applause i think, like a lot of people, i think like a lot of people. When i saw your trump i went, oh, thank god. laughter somebody has cracked that nut. Do you like doing it . Its amazing. I think more than anything its kind of eerie, actually, more than anything i have ever done, people come up to me and Say Something to me on the streets. You are in new york, and people come up to us on the street and Say Something all the time. My daughter carmen, our daughter carmen is threeandahalf, and i call her the reincarnation of elaine strich. laughter thank you that you got that, thank you. And people will walk up to me, and well be putting carmen in her little stroller and someone will walk by very quietly and go, thank you, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Theyre like thank me for the trump thing. And my daughter carmen looks at them and goes, i dont like you laughter like, enough of this slapping my dad on the back and congratulating him. Just go away stephen whats your hookin . What is the thing you have to do . Is it is it your face . Is it the hair . Is it the hands . Is it the voice. What is theyre sitting there on s. N. L. Theyre always coaching you. And i was going to do a movie this last summer, and lorne would say, i want you to come and do trump . And you know lorne. Stephen i would like you to do your trump, please. Come and do trump every saturday for 18 consecutive weeks. laughter so, i go do this film, and the film fell apart and it was kind of weird, all of a sudden the movie just ended, im not going to do the movie. So i picked up the phone and called lorne and said, im trump. Here i come. Im on my way. And we get in the room and they show us footage of him. Its totally a caricature. You just pick a few things. Im sitting in the room, left eyebrow up, right eyebrow down, shove your face out. Youre trying to suck the chrome off the fender of a car. laughter youre like. cheers and applause stephen thank you. Hey, thank you thank you stephen now, trump isnt your first sort of questionable president you have experience with, because i found out you went to g. W. , right . Yes Stephen George washington university. Stephen you ran for president of the school. Stephen president of the school. Shot for the top, okay. And im really jealous, because nixon is my guy. Hes my president. Is he . Stephen because i remember the watergate hearings. Thats my first introduction to presidency and you got this fantastic letter from nixon right there, Richard Nixon himself. He calls you alex. You know what the greatest part is, is he writes, from our mutual friend Mark Weinberg i have learned of the disappointing results, as far as you are concerned he writes. Stephen as far as you are concerned of the recent George WashingtonUniversity Student body elections. The important thing is that you cared enough to enter the arena. Enter the arena. Stephen are you ever going to reenter the arena . No, no. Stephen come on. Entertainers can be president s. But, you tell me what you thin, because you did one of the most astute, super political shows for years, and that is i think trump its not going to swing back its not going to stay that way, meaning its not going to open the door for nontraditional candidates. Stephen no, no, basically is goes competency, incompetency, competency. Right, right. laughter it goes crazy, safe, crazy, safe. cheers and applause but clinton, bush, obama, trump. Itll swing back. Some guy who is, like, governor, next year of nevada stephen of any place. Really of any place would be nice. Do we really care at this point . Stephen the guy from Governors Island would be fine. Governors island. The mayor of Governors Island. Stephen we have to take a little break but well be right back with alec baldwin and his new book nevertheless. cheers and applause intrzero alcohol™. Ine® it delivers a whole mouth clean with a less intense taste. So it has the bad breath germkilling power of this. With the lighter feel. Of this. Try listerine® zero alcohol™. You might not ever just stand there, looking at it. You may never even sit in the back seat. Yeah, but maybe you should. laughter tand, our adulte children are here. So, we save by using tide. Which means we use less. Three generations of clothes cleaned in one wash. Those are moms. Anybody seen my pants . Nothing cleans better. Put those on dad its got to be tide. Stephen welcome back, everybody. Were here with the lovely and talented sir alec baldwin. Now, alec, you have a new book here is this your first book . I wrote another book. Stephen its a memoir called nevertheless. Okay, there you are now, and here you are back in the jack ryan days. The guy that shot this picture he shot both pictures 30 years apart the