Stephen wait a second. Can you hear me . No, i dont want to. Lets get a little business out of the way. Type in your credit card number. Stephen okay. You seem to have a knack under comedy. Now your Social Security number. Mothers maiden name . Stephen really . Company needs it. Name of your first pet. Company need it. Urine sample. Stephen Company Needs it . No, thats for me. For your first lesson on being a great standup comedian. Stephen should i stand up. Why. Stephen if i want to be a standup comedian, i think i should stand up. Never heard of that, but, hey, give it a try. Stephen hows this . Hmmm, not so good, not so good. Stephen steve martin what are you doing here gitook the liberty of signing you up for the deluxe package. Stephen how much is that . You have a lifetime to pay for it. Stephen shouldnt i know the price. Am i i like the idea of standing up. Looking good, looked good. Arch the back a little bit. Bring the arm out, relax the hand. Look at me, bend the knees, a little bit loose. Stephen is this right . Yeah. Stephen it doesnt feel right . It doesnt feel right . Whos the master here. Stephen you are, steve. Now youre ready to make your first witticism, something i think very universal, something that works in all ages and all across the expanse of the universe, but also something specifically local and narrow. You have Something Like that. Stephen i think so so. Okay, good, give it a shot. Stephen if dogs are a mans best friend and diamonds are a girls best friend, then a dog made of diamonds must have soim friends. Whoa ouch now, lets try it again. One piece at a time. Stephen if dogs are a mans best friend. Dogs are a mans best friend stephen if dogs are a mans best friend good. Stephen and diamonds are a girls best friend. And diamonds are a girls best friend. Stephen diamonds are a girls best friend watch the elbow. Stephen then a dog made up of diamonds must have so many friends wow, stephen, the student has become the master laughter . Stephen really . You made me a master that fast . My little baby is all grown up. Well, i gotta go. Stephen where are you going . Im going to help sean spicer about his impression of melissa mccarthy. See ya its the late show with stephen colbert. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city its stephen colbert. cheers and applause stephen hey, chris hey, paul lovely group of people. Stephen welcome to the late show. Im your host, stephen colbert. cheers and applause you know jon, you can back me up on this. A lot of things we talk about on this show. A lot of things i come here and spoke about night after night, over the last 300 shows or Something Like that, from the start of the show. Theres one thing i havent done on this show and thats talk about bill oreilly. He comes on the show, we have a good time. We have nice conversations, but i talked about him for, like, 10 years, and i think thats enough. But i do talk about donald trump, and today the two worlds collided when trump stuck his, lets say finger, into oreillys sticky situation. See, on saturday the New York Times reported that fox news has spent more than 13 million to settle Sexual Harassment suits against bill oreilly, although oreilly says the accusations against him are without merit. Okay, New York Times . What happened to innocent until proven to have 13 million . laughter applause but, but, thats 13 million. cheers and applause thats 13 million more innocent than i am, ill tell you that. But 13 million might just be the tip of the iceberg though the tip is the most sensitive part of the iceberg laughter okay . Are you okay . Are you going to be okay over there . Just keep breathing, jon. Here we go. Because more than 30 companies have withdrawn their advertisements from the oreilly factor, including cheers and applause bmw, mercedes benz, untuckit shirts, and a Marketing Service called constant contact. Who have now had to change their name to constant consensual contact. Heres where the worlds collide. Oreillys in a real pickle, but today Donald Trumps got his back. The president told the times, he is a good person. I think he shouldnt have settled. I dont think bill did anything wrong. Audience booo stephen mr. President hold on. Mr. President , i want to remind you, you just declared april Sexual Assault awareness month. And there are two accusations of Sexual Assault im aware of bill oreilly, and yours. So maybe im going out on a limb here maybe youre not the perfect person to weigh in on this one. Do you know who might be better . Your daughter ivanka seems to have a very enlightened approach to these issues. I like what she has to say. This morning, ivanka trump appeared on cbs this morning, and gayle king asked her about her responsibility for her fathers policies. You hear the phrase complicit, that jared and ivanka are complicit in what is happening to the white house. Can you just weigh in on how you feel about that . If being complicit is wanting to be a force for good and to make a positive impact, then im complicit. Stephen nope, thats not what complicit means. laughter applause okay, let me see here. I have a dictionary right here. I have a dictionary. cheers and applause lets see what we have here. Collaborationist, cowardly here we go complicit involved with involved with others in an illegal activity or wrongdoing. Oh, wait, it does have being a force for good and making a positive impact, under complicit, comma, total opposite of. laughter applause cheers okay, you cant you cant you cant just reverse the definition to make yourself sound better. Thats like saying, if being a nazi means fighting for civil rights, then, yeah, im a huge nazi. cheers and applause and theres no way theres no way what i said will ever be taken out of context, right . Okay, im safe. Then ivanka elaborated on the kind of influence she has on the president. Can you give us an example of something that you disagree with him on and that you think that by speaking up to him, it made him change his position or soften his position . Are you comfortable with that . I think that for me this isnt about promoting my viewpoints. I wasnt elected by the American People to be president. Stephen to be fair, your father wasnt elected by the American People either just the electoral college. cheers and applause hes president. Im not saying hes not president , but we didnt you do the math. You know, we have a divided nation. That is clear. We have a deeply divided nation. But today it seems like everyone has come together to join the protest against the new protest ad from pepsi. Have you guys seen it . Have you guys seen the ad . Let me walk you through it. It starts with a throng of beautiful, multiethnic people protesting in the streets of, im going to guess newport, rhode island. laughter so far, we dont know what has caused all of americas hot extras to take to the streets, but im guessing its a protest for attractive lives matter. laughter have you seen this thing . And the signs theyre holding arent much help figuring things out. They say things likepeace, and the peace symbol, and join the conversation. Join the conversation. Thats the most corporate message of all time. They might as well be Holding Signs that say, we are all the core demographic. cheers and applause very good. Thank you. But at first stop it but at first, a first this was a Movement Without a leader until the protest route just happened to pass by Kendall Jenner doing a fashion shoot for aluminum siding. Then she makes eye contact with a cute boy who brought his cello to a protest. This prompts her to rip off her blonde wig, give it to her assistant, and join the conversation. Jim, can we get a close of the assistant she gives the wig to . laughter applause oh, she is not thrilled about being kendalls wig caddy. She might want to join a conservation with her agent about finding a better acting job. Once Kendall Jenner has made the ultimate sacrifice of wiping off her lipstick, its super fun, until the march meets the worlds leastintimidating police force. Theyre also extremely attractive. Watch out, kendall. Those unarmed cops might start stripping laughter cheers and applause luckily you cant afford me laughter luckily, ms. Jenner, a wealthy, young, white woman, knows exactly how to handle police at a protest. Stephen yeah they did it yes, we can, of pepsi this commercial ends with a message even more profound than join the conversation live for now. laughter applause i think im reading that correctly. Is that how youre for now . Jon for now. Stephen yes, live live for now, especially if youre pepsis Marketing Department because i dont think you guys are going to be there for long. Weve got a great show for you tonight. Sigourney weaver is here. But when we return, i will help you do your taxes. Stick around. Various shouting heigh ho its off to work we go woman on the gulf coast, new exxonmobil projects are expected to create over 45,000 jobs. And each job created by the Energy Industry supports two others in the community. Altogether, the industry supports over 9 million jobs nationwide. These are jobs that natural gas is helping make happen, all while reducing americas emissions. Energy lives here. All while reducing americas emissions. But when we brought our daughter home, that was it. Now i have nicoderm cq. The nicoderm cq patch with unique extended release Technology Helps prevent your urge to smoke all day. Its the best thing that ever happened to me. Every great why needs a great how. Before you set out, you plan to capture every moment. But what you really cant plan for is when the moment captures you. Marriott now has 30 brands in over 110 countries. So no matter where you go, you are here. Join or link accounts. Ltry align probiotic. N your digestive system . For a nonstop, sweet treat goodness, hold on to your tiara kind of day. Get 24 7 digestive support, with align. The 1 doctor recommended probiotic brand. Also in kids chewables. Stephen welcome back, everybody. Give it up for the band and jon batiste jon hey hey stephen hey, jon, jon, real quick. We have a lot of stuff to do tonight, before i get to that, i just want to take a minute to thank mr. Steve martin for stopping by to do that opening with us. Jon man stephen always an honor. Jon steve is the man. Stephen a lifetime comedic hero of mine, and that master class in comedy that hes doing is real. What do you go to masterclass. Com. 90, lifetime lifetime access. I dont know if its lifetime or steves lifetime but its lifetime. Jon thats important to figure out. Somebody has to figure it out. Steve and martin short are touring an evening you will forget for the rest of your life. Theyre going to tour 40 cities. For info go to stevemartin. Com. Check that out. Now, one other thing i would go see that if someone will get me some tickets. Jon, i understand you have a special guest in the band tonight . Who do you have over there . Jon yes, weve got the rock n roll hall of famer with the band journey, neal schon. Stephen welcome, neal. Thank you, stephen. Stephen good to see you. I understand that you and the lads, as we call you, are being inducted into the rock n roll hall of fame this friday . Thats correct. Stephen thats fantastic. Congratulations. Have a great concert and so glad youre here. Thank you for having me. Stephen next week you have to pay your taxes. You paying your taxes this year . Im thinking of trying it. Because tax time is here, its something in america that everyone has t in america who isnt the president has to do. For my training i sat down with 27year veteran and director of h r block, bruce desmond. What is h r block . Were the number one tax firm in the country. We do more tax returns than anybody else. Stephen i blacked out there. When you said tax returns, what does h r block do . We prepare tax returns. Stephen what does h and r stand for . Huge repercussions . The company was founded by two brothers, hen expree richard. Stephen and what does the h and r stand for . The h is for henry, the r is for richard. Stephen what drew you to help people with taxes . Was it the lifestyle. Stephen no. Stephen tell me about the lifestyle . You look at a lot of documents. Stephen uhhuh. And a lot of numbers. Stephen and then afterwards . The parties . No party s. Stephen no parties . No parties, bruce . No parties at all . There are no parties . During the tax season, no party s. Stephen when tax season is over, though, its just a flesh pit in there, right . Its just like foam one of those foam pits. Uhhuh, no, we tend to be more conservative, i believe. Stephen what are the rules about sleeping with clients . Not allowed. Stephen not allowed or frowned upon . I would have to ask our Legal Department that. laughter . Stephen have you ever had an affair with a client . No. Stephen youre under oath. I remind you, youre under oath. Im 30 years marry gld well, i didnt ask that, bruce. Didnt ask that. Okay. Are we allowed to even date the people that were helping . Uh, i would have to check with our hr departmen departmen. Stephen please do, check with henry and richard. Im someone, whats first thing you ask me. Lets try that. Hello, i need help with my taxes . Welcome to h r block. Stephen happy to be here. Id like to ask you a few qelz. Please. Stephen. Are you single . Are you married . laughter . Stephen im flattered. However, my understanding was you guys couldnt sleep with your clients. Well stephen im not saying im not feeling it. Im feeling what youre feeling. Im not saying theres no electricity in this room right now, but lets just stay focused on my taxes and not my relationship status staus. And am i looking . Yes. Am i lonely, sure . All right, so, are you married to somebody outside of h r block . Stephen yes, oh, yeah, oh, yeah. Okay. Stephen well, bruce i think im ready. Lets give it a shot. Put me in a cubicle and ill help some people. Okay, im sure youll do a great job. Stephen that remains to be seen. But first, the glam squad had to make me unrecognizable to customers. So i became Tax Professional otosanchez. I slipped into the h r block that would become my office, undetected, and i was ready to start helping. Lily . What. Stephen lets go. Im otto. Nice to meet you. There you go whew just trying to keep it light. Stephen yeah, would you like some. No, thank you. Stephen its cheese for the customers because its a block of cheese and were h r block, you see. Yes. Stephen do you mind a skepted candle . No. Stephen what i want to do right now is give you ideas how you can save the most money. Okay. Stephen what kind of documents do you have . I dont know, do you use these . These are from the health insurance. Stephen okay. Um. Lets see. 1095 oh, my gosh stephen sorry, sorry. I apologize. Im sorry. Phew. laughter i dont want the alarm to go off. First of all, before you sit down,. Hey. A hugger, huh . Stephen all right. All right. Well get through this. Yes, indeed. Stephen oh is that real cheese there . Stephen that is the h r block. Would you like some cheese . No thank you. No. Stephen come on now. Look at that. All right, ill take it. Stephen there you go, all right. Theyre going to set you up with somebody to finish your return. Im going to get basic information. Did you bring any cash today . Im good for it, but i need like 200. Is there any way you could help a brother out . I wish. I need some cash. Stephen would you leak a dring . A nice cold beer. Stephen a nice cold beer . What kind. Youre not serious. Stephen whos stopping us . Are you serious. Stop playing. Stephen you want a beer . What kind of beer you want. Whatever kind of beer you have. There you go, man. A tall boy. There you go. Do it up. laughter applause its friday. Youre gonna make me cry. Stephen come oman. There you go. Weve got to take care of each other, right . This is this has turned out to be a great day. Stephen thats something h r block is doing in a lot of their locations on fridays. You can take that with you . You cool, man. Stephen totally cool. Are you cool . Keep this on the qt. But me and some of my buddies have a compound in upstate new york. And were ready for when the bleep goes down. If youre cool and you have any friends who are cool, we get together and we train, you know, once a week. And were looking for people who are ready to take action. All we ask is that you sit for the lecture. You dont leave the compound if tawght doesnt want you to and no maets. Other than that its vegetables and cheeses. I totally understand where youre coming from. Stephen you do . I totally understand where youre coming from, but im not im not stephen okay, have you got any training . Have you got any training . No. laughter applause stephen do you have Tax Information . Do you have duplicates of this . No, no. Stephen these are the originals . Yes. Stephen okay, great, do you mind if i make duplicates . No, thats fine. Stephen okay, thanks so much. Are you copying or shredding. Stephen what . Are you shredding or making copies . laughter stephen im so sorry. Do you have another copy of that . I dont. applause stephen okay. Are you a performer at all . Any deduction for performing arndtist or Something Like that . No. Stephen really, its very hard to prove. No, honest to god. Performers get to declare their haircuts and clothes and movies and some meals, even. Dont you need receipts for that. Stephen no, no. Who is going to prove whether or not youre a performer. Its all that is in your heart. Whats your dream job . I dont know. Stephen you dont . A dream is a wish your heart makes when youre fast asleep. laughter you know that song . No. Stephen of when you wish upon a star is that the song makes you of no difference who you are anything your heart desires will come to you you know the song . I know just those lines. If your heart is in your dream no request is too extreme when you wish upon a star your dreams come true applause cheers they can become to those who love a sweet fulfillment of a special longing and like a bolt out of the blue fate steps in and sees you through when you wish upon a star your dreams come truuue make a wish. applause youre getting a rebate. Yay stephen thank you, h r block. Well be right back with Sigourney Weaver, stick around. Save on kitchen essentials kohls home sale like a farberware cookware set just 49. 99 after 30 mail in rebate. Select kitchen aid electrics are