Ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen hey good to see ya cheers and applause have a seat thank you so much oh ladies and gentlemen, welcome cheering welcome to the late show. Welcome to the late show. Im la la land im sorry, i read that wrong. Im Stephen Colbert. laughter dear lordie. Did you guys see that last night . Did you watch that . cheers and applause did you see that last night . That was the craziest ending to the oscars since it turned out helen mirren was kaiser soze. laughter now, for those of you out there who only watched the first three hours and 29 minutes of the ceremony, spoiler alert moonlight won best picture. Okay . cheers and applause beautiful, right . End of the show. Jon thats right. Stephen beautiful. But heres how Warren Beatty and faye dunaway announced the category. And the academy award. For best picture. Youre impossible. Come on la la land. cheers and applause audience reacts stephenthmfortable to watch u know whats coming. Its like watching titanic, except titanic actually won best picture. cheers and applause i feel so bad, i feel so bad piano riff , i feel bad for everybody in la la land. And the poor moonlight people. I mean, it shoulveor african americans, but theres always a catch, you know . laughter heres your oscar, but some white folks get to touch it first. laughter and groans come on, you know you want it. cheers and applause no . Ill just dropped it . Okay. laughter to make matters worse, while they were up on stage, ryan gosling explained jazz to them. laughter did you see that, did you see that movie . See that la la land movie . Jon yeah, i saw it. I saw it. Stephen do you understand jazz now . Jon i get it now. Stephen you get it now. Okay. laughter now it wasnt Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaways fault. The accountants in the wings gave them an envelope showing the winner of the previous category best actress, emma stone for la la land. You had one job, Price Waterhouse coopers one job cheers and applause thank god one thats it thats all they had to do jon yeah. Stephen thank god they dont run an s. T. D. Clinic. laughter all right, mr. Johnson. Got your lab results here, youre all clean, sir. Have a nice day. No, im sorry emma stone is clean, you have chlamydia. laughter legally, i can say Emile Ouamouno is all clean. I can legally say that. Speaking of heartbreaking mistakes, donald trump. cheers and applause the president cheers and applause right . Jon yeah, i think thats about right. Stephen donald trump will address a joint session of Congress Tomorrow night, and well be doing a live show afterwards, because live shows are the only thing that slow down my drinking. Now laughter that joke is based on a true story; that joke is based on a true story. laughter now, we dont exactly know what the president is going to say, but the word is, he will finally reveal his plan to replace obamacare, which he teased this morning. Were going to repeal and replace obamacare. And we have come up with a solution thats really, really i think, very good. laughter now, i have to tell you, its an unbelievably complex subject. Nobody knew that health care could be so complicated. audience reacts laughter stephen some people knew. A few people knew. laughter and applause one or two. cheers and applause i could think of one. I could, i could think of one guy tall, big smile, used to sit in your chair. laughter its just that you didnt know. Okay, thats like if i performed open heart surgery tomorrow and said, wow, nobody said it would be so wet in here laughter now, to warm up for tomorrow night, trump also gave a big speech on friday at cpac, the conservative Political Action conference, and went after anonymous leaks. Im against the people that make up stories and make up sources. They shouldnt be allowed to use sources unless they use somebodys name. Let their name be put out there. Let their name be put out. A source says that donald trump is a horrible, horrible human being. Let them say it to my face. Stephen sir . cheers and applause audience chants stephen cheers and applause it would be it would be my honor to say it to your face. Just walk a little closer to your tv screen, please . Just a little closer to your tv screen and let me just get right up here and go, you, donald trump, are a horrible, horrible human being. All right, then. cheers and applause piano riff come closer. Come closer. Oh, there you are. cheers and applause cheers and applause well clean this later. laughter meanwhile, White House Press secretary and bleached minion, sean spicer, launched his own war against leakers by holding random phone checks of white house staffers. Hes got to do something. He knows for a fact, theres one guy in the white house who keeps sending out unhinged tweets at 3 00 a. M. Its nuts. Hes got to find him. applause so, with all this going on, it is no surprise that on saturday, trump tweeted, i will not be attending the White House Correspondents Association dinner this year. Please wish everyone well and have a great evening thats disappointing. Its disappointing, ive got to say, thats disappointing, but its not his fault. That night, hes already scheduled to be at the kremlin Correspondents Dinner. laughter applause hes doublebooked. Hes doublebooked. Nothing he can do. Darn it poor planning. But trump spokesperson and 35yearold who still hangs around the sorority house, sarah huckabee, offered up a convincing analogy to explain why trump would skip the event. I think its kind of naive of us to think that we can all walk into a room for a couple of hours and pretend that some of that tension isnt there. You know, one of the things we say in the south, if a girl scout egged your house, would you buy cookies from her . laughter stephen yeah. Though, im from the south, and that is definitely an expression we use all the time. laughter jon right, right. Stephen down south, the girl scouts are horrible, horrible people. They will murder you. But i do love the thin mints. laughter its too bad trumps not going to go because, im sure he would have given a hilarious speech. I mean, can you imagine . Well, you dont have to. Jim . And now, delivering his 2017 white house Correspondents Dinner address, please welcome to the podium, President Donald Trump single clap shh thank you, thank you. Great crowd. If you like enemies of the American People rim shot nothing, huh . Okay. Hey, any latinos in the audience tonight . Well, give it a minute, youre being arrested. Ice, ice, baby heh, heh. You know, because i like getting rid of latinos. You suck i dont suck you know what that is . Thats knock, knock. Whos there . Fake. Fake who . Fake news this guy knows what im talking about. laughs look hes not wearing any pants laughter okay, its happening again nooo its okay, donny. Its just a dream. Youre not even going to the white house Correspondents Dinner this year. They cant hurt you here. Hey, look he wet the bed huh . What . Noooooo laughter and applause stephen we have a great show for your tonight Connie Britton is here. But first, ill be over there talking fake news with an old friend. cheers and applause so tasty. An unlimited data plan is only as good as the network its on. And verizon has been ranked number one for the 7th time in a row by rootmetrics. man hey, uh, whats rootmetrics . Its the nations largest independent study and it ranked verizon 1 in call, text, data, speed and reliability. woman do they get a trophy . Not that i know of. But you get unlimited done right. man 2 why dont they get a trophy . man 3 they should get something. woman 2 how about a plaque . I have to drop this. My arms getting really tired. Unlimited on verizon. 4 lines, just 45 per line. Not just the automobile, f tomorrow will transform but mobility itself. An autonomousthinking vehicle protecting those inside and out. And its the mercedesbenz of today that will help us get there. The 2017 eclass, with innovations no car has offered before. And that will change driving forever after. Lease the e300 for 549 a month at your local mercedesbenz dealer. Mercedesbenz. The best or nothing. School lunch can be difficult. Cafeteria chaos. One little struggle. Can lead to one monumental mishap. Not with ziploc easy open tabs. Because life needs ziploc. Sc johnson. cheers and applause stephen hey welcome back, everybody say hi to jon batiste and stay human cheers and applause best band on television jon ahh stephen come on jon singing stephen you know, folks were doing it over here . All right. You know, ladies and gentlemen, a little earlier in the show, standing over there, i was talking to you about Donald Trumps hostile relationship with the media. And it really hit a new low on friday when, at an informing press briefing, sean spicer banned reporters from cnn, the new york times, politico, the Los Angeles Times and buzzfeed. Of course, buzzfeed audience boos i understand. No, its upsetting, but youve got to understand, buzzfeed was excluded because spicer didnt like the answer he got for which gilmore girl are you . laughter such a lorelei and this came only a few hours after donald trump said this i love the first amendment. Nobody knows loves it better than me. laughter stephen yeah. Its like they say, if you love the first amendment, set it free. laughter if it comes back, dont let it in the press briefing. And the root of all this conflict is that donald trump calls any story he doesnt like, fake news. cheers and applause i mean, the whole thing is just its just cheers and applause its its upsetting. cheers and applause cheers and applause stephen hey its jon stewart, everybody cheers and applause piano riffs hey, jon our band over there. Hey, jon, its nice to see you. Hey jon, ive got to say, its always great to see you. But, ive got to nice to see you as well. Stephen how did you get under my desk . I had a tunnel stephen a tunnel . A tunnel that ive built, straight from my farm. I dug a tunnel, right from stephen you came here straight from the farm . Right from the farm. Stephen you do your farming in makeup and a tie . laughter i like to look nice. laughter stephen jon. Hmm . Stephen you miss it, dont you . Yes, i miss it cheers and applause stephen, i spend the whole day cheers and applause i spend the whole day yelling about trump to the animals. laughter we have a barn spider. Stephen yes . Dont know the name, wove please get a job into a web. Into a web stephen now, jon, if you need to get away from the farm, youre always welcome here, obviously. Well, thats very kind. Thank you so much. Stephen i mean, we have a chair right here. Why dont you there you go. There you go. Stephen there you go. Oh, this is nice cheers and applause this is nice, i like this. Stephen so its a little tight. Stephen yes, it is. Yes, it is. Now, so, so, jon jon, what do you think about trump banning the Mainstream Media from that briefing, and him, and him not going to the Correspondents Dinner . I cant believe the guys got the balls let me say this. I cant believe the guys got the balls to get away with that. Trump lies more in one press conference than cnn does in a year, and this is coming from a guy who, as you know, hates cnn. laughter look at this. Look at this clip look, look. Got 306 Electoral College votes. I guess it was the biggest Electoral College win since ronald reagan. You guess wrong laughter it was smaller than both of Barack Obamas wins and bill clintons win and george h. W. Bushs win. Its the biggest win since reagan, if you dont count everyone since reagan. But what about this . What about this . The murder rate in our country is the highest its been in 47 years. Right . Did you know that . 47 years. Id say that in a speech and everybody was surprised, because the press doesnt tell it like it is. No, they were surprised because its not true its near the lowest its been in 45 years. cheers and applause and then, this one stephen huh, what . I love you so much. This is my favorite youve got to see this one. Bomb threats have been made against Jewish Centers all across the country in the last couple of weeks. There are people who are committing antisemitic acts, or threatening to you see, he said he was going to ask a very simple, easy question. And hes not. Its not. Not a simple question, not a fair question. Okay, sit down. I understand the rest of your question. So heres the story, folks. Number one, i am the least anti semitic person that youve ever seen in your entire life. laughter i dont think thats true laughter applause you know, hes not hes not he said that to a guy wearing a yarmulke donald, youre not even the least antisemitic person in the clip we showed stephen okay, jon, jon, okay, the president exaggerates, thats true. But you cant possibly know yes. Stephen if hes lying on purpose. You can stephen, you can hes lying on purpose you know how we know . Stephen how . Because he constantly says the phrase, believe me. Nobody says believe me unless they are lying. cheers and applause oh, honey ask me for examples. Stephen hold on. Jon, could you give me an example . I will give you an example hey, honey, i was just helping stacy test out her perfect sleep number, believe me. What . No, its just a giant wooden horse, believe me. What . Democrats in disarray . No, they have a plan. Believe me. cheers and applause stephen okay, but come on, jon, he doesnt i did it in three stephen look, he doesnt say believe me that often, jon. Really, he doesnt . Roll 212. Believe me. Believe me. Believe me. Believe me. Believe me. Believe me. Believe me. Believe me. Believe me. Believe me. Okay, believe me. Believe me. Believe me, folks. Believe me. Believe me. Believe me, believe me. Buhlieve me. Buhbull bleep . laughter applause buhbull bleep . Buhbull bleep . Buhbull bleep . Stephen so you agree with me that trump banning any members of the press is unamerican . Aw, its unamerican not to like the press, oooh you know what i say . I say, stop your whining, press. I say, stop can i talk to the media for a moment . Stephen sure, go ahead. May i which one of these cameras goes out to the media . Stephen that one goes straight to the media. laughter this one right here . Here i go. laughter hey, guys, hey, media. So, i heard donald trump broke up with you. Stings a little, doesnt it . You finally thought youd met your match a blabbermouth whos as thinskinned and narcissistic as you are. audience reacts laughter well, now its over well, good riddance, i say kick him to the curb. cheers and applause piano riff thank you. It is time for you to get your groove back, media. Because, lets face facts, you kind of let yourself go a little bit over these past few years. Put on a few pundits. Obsessing, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, about this one guy. Whats donny up to . Did he say anything about us . You think hes gonna come on our show . Do you think he likes us . He doesnt even have to come on, he can just call us oh, donny, please just let us know youre okay laughter and the whole time youre all chasing after donny, the rest of us are thinking, cant you see hes an bleep . laughter no, you try to defend him oh, no, no, no, thats just primaries donald. Thats just election donald. Youll see. We can change him hell get president ial yeah, howd that work out . It didnt. And do you know why . Because 70yearold men dont get less cranky or racist as time goes by laughter and applause unless there is one instance. Stephen theres one, really . There is . Yes, if i remember once correctly, unless they are visited at night by three spirits. But, i dont that doesnt laughter look, media, im not saying the breakup is going to be easy. Youre going to see your ex swiping far right with every tom, drudge, and breitbart. And, from what i heard, they do anal. audience reacts laughter and applause stephen jon, you are aware were on cbs right now, yes . In my defense, they do anal stephen ill write that down, all right. Did did i get us canceled . Stephen us . laughter cheers and applause heres my point, media heres my point. This breakup with donald trump has given you, the media, an amazing opportunity for self reflection and improvement. Instead of worrying about whether trump is unamerican or if he thinks youre the enemy or if hes being mean to you or if hes going to let you back into the briefings, do something for yourself. Selfimprovement. Take up a hobby i recommend journalism. laughter cheers and applause you know, i think this breakup is going to be the best thing that ever happened to you. Stephen so you really think the media is going to take this opportunity for selfreflection and get better at their jobs . I really do. Believe me. laughter stephen jon stewart, everybody well be right back with Connie Britton. Get back in the hole you back, back ar predictable, theres no other way to say this. Its over. Ive found a permanent escape from monotony. Together, we are perfectly balanced, our senses awake, our hearts racing as one. I know this is sudden, but they say if you love something. Set it free. See you around, giulia save on musthave trends. s pair pleats with a feminine top find your perfect Bomber Jacket and pick up an offtheshoulder dress. Plus, get 10 off when you spend 75 or more and get kohls cash too. Kohls. Hey allergy muddlers are you one sneeze away from being voted out of the carpool . Try zyrtec® zyrtec® starts working hard at hour one and works twice as hard when you take it again the next day. Stick with zyrtec®. Muddle no more®. Try rhinocort® allergy spray for powerful nasal allergy relief. So tasty. Just turned on us. 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