Transcripts For KYW The Late Show With Stephen Colbert 20170321

Behave irth control turns women into werewolves. Mmm little known fact, the words corporate media, globalist and pancakes are all just different ways to say jewish. Announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert tonight stephen welcomes Bryan Cranston Audra Mcdonald and comedian greer barnes, featuring jon batiste and stay human. Now live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen hey hows it going . Thank you very much thanks, everybody youre too kind welcome to the late show im your host Stephen Colbert happy first day of spring the birds are chirping, the brooks are babbling, and the neighbors are yelling for me to turn down my nature sounds c. D. laughter if youre in the northeast, it may not feel like spring, since its still pretty chilly though, just a few weeks ago, it was in the 60s. God, i wish it was winter again so i could wear shorts. laughter you cant tell. Jon yeah, you never know. Of course, last week trump released his first budget. Theyre calling it a hard power budget because it features a 54billionincrease in military spending, while cutting the state department by 28 . Makes sense. Pbs. audience reacts stephen i know. Look, trumps a real estate developer. It was only a matter of time until he put up condos on sesame street. cheers and applause can you tell me how to get how to get to sesame street you cant. Its gone. laughter if one of these things is not like the other one of these things was cut from the budget laughter trumps also eliminating the National Endowment for the arts and the National Endowment for the humanities. Im not surprised. Hes jealous of people who are wellendowed. applause plus, trumps slashing the e. P. A. s budget by 31 , and the great lakes restoration initiative, which fights Invasive Species like the sea lamprey, could see its funding slashed by 97 . If youre not familiar with the sea lamprey, you might know it as the vicious, flesheating hell beast from your worst nightmares. laughter or as steve bannon calls it, my mentor. applause jon this budget is so ruthless, its cutting funding for meals on wheels. Really . audience reacts cutting meals on wheels . That isnt just heartless, its bad marketing. You stick with things that rhyme. Meals on wheels crack is wack hop on pop two buck chuck avoid the noid be kind, rewind this Program Provides elderly shutins minimal nutrition and a scrap of human dignity. What kind of heartless monster could be against that . Colbert did someone say fiscal conservative . cheers and applause stephen oh, say hello, to my conservative pundit colleague, Stephen Colbert. Hey, stephen, how are you . Colbert hello, nation. Stay strong. Be brave. Stephen now, just to be clear, you are not the character from my other show. Are you . Because i really wouldnt want colbert absolutely not. I couldnt be more different his favorite sandwich is a b. L. T. I like a t. L. B. And the b stands for balls. Delicious, put it in your mouth. laughter stephen good to know. So whats so important that you had break into my show . I was doing a monologue. Colbert believe me, i have Better Things to do out here in the woods. Ive been out hunting the most dangerous game. Stephen youre hunting humans . With colbert no, grizzly bears, have you forgotten so soon . They are godless killing machines. Besides humans are out of season. Im here because America Needs me, stephen. Plus, i wanted to stop you from making an ass of yourself on network tv with your misguided analysis of trumps budget. Stephen oh, you think you can do better . Colbert do better . My middle name is do. Stephen okay, well, then. The stage is yours. Ladies and gentleman, Stephen Colbert. cheers and applause these were. Stephen thank you youre a good man jon yes, indeed audience chanting stephen cheers and applause stephen thank you, everybody. Thank you, nation. You know, folks, trumps budget is getting heat because its supposedly cruel to old people for no reason. When, in fact, theyve got a very good reason. And that brings us to tonights werd cheers and applause screw unto others. Now, you heard the guy who normally sits here moaning about these cuts to meals on wheels, but that guys a wellknown grandma hugger. People are saying this budget lacks compassion, but white house budget director and 49yearold temp Mick Mulvaney knows its just the opposite. I think its probably one of the most compassionate things we can do to cutting programs that help the elderly youre only focusing on half the equation, right . Youre focusing on recipients of the money. Were trying to focus on both the recipients of the money and the folks who give us the money in the first place. Colbert yes, you cant just focus on helping the needy and forget the people whose taxes pay for it. Thats like praying for the accident victim who needed a transfusion and forgetting about the guy whos Walking Around a pint light. Give the guy a cookie. laughter mulvaney had to cut meals on wheels because they failed to meet their objectives. Yeah, its called meals on wheels, but how often do you see a hamburger driving down the highway . laughter now, i know what youre saying they did meet their objective. They brought food to the elderly. Technically, yes, greg. And we all know what happens to food after we eat it. We are literally throwing money down the toilet. laughter and meals on wheels started in 1972. I havent checked the stats, but im pretty sure all of those people are dead now. laughter besides, mulvaney said, the primary goal of trumps budget is not driving cheetos to grandpa after he gets the munchies from his glaucoma pot, its defending america. laughter and these foodaddicted seniors havent killed any members of isis. If we want to keep america safe, why waste money on meals on wheels that could be used on Weapons Systems . laughter now, a lot of people say mulvaney is being cruel to old people. Thats not fair. Hes also being cruel to young people. Because heres the deal this budget also cuts after School Lunch Programs for poor kids, but again, for a good reason. Theyre supposed to be educational programs, right . Thats what theyre supposed to do, theyre supposed to help kids who cant who dont get fed at home, get fed so they get better in school. Guess what . Theres no demonstrable evidence theyre actually doing that. Theres no demonstrable evidence that theyre actually helping results, helping kids do better in school. Colbert yes, why feed children if they arent doing better in school . Take the food away, and maybe theyll be hungry for knowledge. laughter and remember, mulvaneys not doing this to be mean, hes looking out for taxpayers. I think its fairly compassionate to go to them and say, look, were not going to ask you for your hardearned money, anymore. Single mom of two in detroit, kay . Colbert good point, mick. I wouldnt want to be the one to have to tell a single mom of two in detroit, im sorry, maam, but im afraid were going to feed your children. laughter the only thing that worries me is this isnt actually a budget. This is just the president s wish list. And Mick Mulvaney is just trumps magical monkeys paw. laughter congress are the only one who can make a budget. So my worry is that a lot of people might go to house. Gov and find out how to call their congressman and tell them to protect kids and old people, and that could derail all of donald applause they do that. If they called congress and did that, that could derail all Donald Trumps compassion. And that might upset that lonely old man so much that he just becomes a shutin. Stays in the white house and someone would have to bring him a meal. laughter and thats the werd. cheers and applause that other guys got a great show for you tonight. Bryan cranston is here. And after the commercial break, theres going to be puppies. So stick around. The birds and the bees let me tell you bout. The birds the bees and the flowers and the trees and the moon up above and a thing called love. Let me tell you bout the stars in the sk , a girl and a guy and the way they could kiss on a night like this. When i look into your big brown eyes its so very plain to s e that its time you learned about the facts of life startin from a to z. 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Thats why i do whatever i can to help out all the worlds creatures that i dont want to eat. We recently did an immensely popular segment here, where aubrey plaza and i tried to help find some adorable rescue dogs a home by telling you, the audience, some enticing lies about them. And heres something that is not a lie every single puppy featured in that segment ended up successfully adopted cheers and applause all of them thats it well, id sure love to do that again sometime. If only there was another beloved celebrity who wanted to help rescue a bunch of puppies by lying about them. Did somebody say Bryan Cranston . cheers and applause cheers and applause did you say Bryan Cranston . Stephen i cant tell at this point. Yeah, bryan. Bryan. I had no idea you were coming out here. Really . Its been booked for weeks. Stephen now that youre here, its time for another episode of rescue dog rescue cheers and applause welcome to rescue dog rescue. Quick reminder all the puppies we have here tonight are actual adoptable dogs from north Shore Animal League america. Bryan, are you ready to get these guys a good home . No, stephen. Im ready to get these guys a great home cheers and applause lets begin. First puppy . Excellent oh audience reacts here we go oh this is grace. If you have kids, grace is the puppy for you. She has the ability to sing the entire soundtrack to the 2010 disney movie tangled. Also knows all the lyrics to let it go from the movie frozen but wont sing it. Oh, thats sweet. This is sterling. audience reacts yeah. You say, oh, now, but sterling is getting his life back together. Hes sober now. But dont worry he still loves to party, which means youll always have a designated driver. Plus, because of his club days, he can get you anything you need. laughter but none for you, right . Thats the old sterling. Right . Stay strong. Stephen this is columbus. Hes a very good wait a minute, this is a cat get him the hell out of here dogs only, no loving home for you, cat no maybe conan will help you, not me another one. Dog. Dog. Youve got to be firm. There are rules. Its rescue dog rescue, bryan. There are rules. Okay. Stephen this is scout. Scout is a hound mix who loves french cinema but, more importantly, isnt a total dick about it. Scout can actually open your eyes to the value of godards work without making you feel small. Also, four legs perfect number for a dog. laughter who do we have here . Okay, this is ginger. Ginger has benjamin button disease and memento disease. So every time you see her, shell be even cuter, and more excited to meet you for the first time. And say howdy to poppy. There you are, poppy oh, come on, poppy look at this muah poppy is whats known as a norwegian wishing dog. She only has one wish left, but it worked out pretty well for her previous owner, Linmanuel Miranda cheers and applause stephen okay. Who do we have here . Oh, oh hey, cutie. This here is lady. Hi, lady lady is a hound mix that is also in show business. Currently, shes working as the second unit director on game of thrones laughter which means she knows all the spoilers from season 7 who dies . Oh, but i loved himorher no ah this is brody. Hi, brody. Come on, buddy. Thats it. Brody cant confirm that he was part of the mission that killed bin laden. But lets just say hes well traveled. Thank you for your service. laughter stephen and who do we have here . Whos up next . Who do we have here . Oh we have an adorable puppy. applause this is columbus. And columbus has a note i am a puppy. Definitely not a kitten in a puppy costume. Well, that checks out. Which means columbus is also available for adoption whos a good doggy . Yes, you are so head to the late shows website colbertlateshow. Com for more information on how you can adopt all these dogs today from the north Shore Animal League america. 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We brew beer for friends. cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody ladies and gentlemen, my first guest tonight is an emmy and Tony Awardwinning actor you know as walter white, dalton trumbo, and president lyndon johnson. Please welcome one of the finest, most distinguished actors of our generation, sir Bryan Cranston cheers and applause Bryan Cranston, everybody cheers and applause good to see you. Stephen bryan, good to have you here. Nice to be back. Stephen even just reading the introduction there, im just struck by what an extraordinary um what an extraordinary roster of work youve put up there. I mean, you always approach everything with just such tremendous heart and emotional honesty and a true a true core of truth. Well, thank you thank you, stephen. I do try to prove each character with a level of dignity laughter stephen bryan, you look like youre having a little trouble with the helmet. Do you want to take the helmet off . I would love to, but i dont know how. Stephen let me give you a hand. I think theres a little latch right here. Just a second. Hold on. Ow, ow, ow cheers and applause thank you. Stephen there you go. Thank you, stephen. Stephen now, this takes me to my first question, which is nur is it sabans Power Rangers. Yes, sabans Power Rangers. Stephen which power ranger . What makes you ask that question . Stephen i saw an ad. Oh, yeah yeah. Stephen very proud of you. Its looking very good. Stephen which power ranger are you playing . Well, im not a power ranger per se. I play a charged named zordon, which is a disembodied head in the walls of a ship, which, you know, is very common. Stephen im just curious why the red power ranger outfit, then . Well, ive always wanted to be a ranger. Stephen okay. All right. I think we have a clip of you as zordon here. You do . Stephen do we know whats happening in this clib . I dont know. I think its when i first meet these new rangers. Stephen okay. Who are not yet working as a team and thats what theyll need to do in order to save the universe. Stephen lets find out. You mean to tell me the fate of the universe is placed in the hands of these children . Theyre teenagers, somewhere between infancy and full maturity. Its hard to explain really. Show me the coins. The morphine grid is never wrong. If the power coins returned to the ship with these teenagers, then these teenagers are the Power Rangers. Okay, quick question. Did i just hear you say were Power Rangers . Yes, yes, you are the Power Rangers. Any other questions . No, i think im good. Good. Stephen wow. cheers and applause wow. So you are a floating head. Yeah. Stephen youre a method actor. How do you prepare to play a floating head inside a space ship . I first severed a head stephen not your own. Not my own. You know, you approach a character the same way, whether youre doing Something Like this in a fantasy sequence, or Historical Context or something. Stephen but im guessing that in this one you mostly did voiceover and were allowed to keep your sweat pants on the entire time. Thats not the reason i took the job, stephen, if thats what youre stephen im probably saying, you probably didnt have to wear pants when you did this one. Youre right. When i did just the head, i was nude. I have a nudity clause in every contract. But its the opposite of what you think. I have to be naked all the time. laughter stephen now, you are not new to the universe of Power Rangers, i understand, because, back in the 90s, before you were the great Bryan Cranston, you were working actor Bryan Cranston, and i understand that we have a clip here of you as one of the monsters in the 1990s. Youre playing snizzard. Jim, do we need to set up the scene . Its noting to snizzer at. Stephen jim . The full power mmm you wont get away with it goodbye, power ranger ahhh cheers and applause stephen you were the monster there . I played a bunch of different monsters when the show first came over to the states from japan. They needed to dub it into english, and i played a lot of monsters, because even at 23, when i did it, my voice was rather low, so i would say low voice bre you will not defeat he would always have some kind of rhyme. Ill slice off your toe stephen can i feel your hands. Are you sweaty in there . No, im actually very comfortable. Stephen really . I can control my own body temperature just through a thought process. Stephen incredible. Im going to drop it five degrees. Stephen can you stop your heart, too . I can stop my heart, and so can my wife. audience reacts stephen okay. The reason i ask, youre comfortable in the outfit. I am comfortable. Stephen youre comfortable in outfits a lot because we found another clip from when you were younger. The one thing i love you is you always approach all your parts with tremendous dignity. Well, ive kept that as a promise to myself. Once i get in, ill approach everything i do from that dignified point of view. I dont want to do anything that could embarrass me. Stephen jim . He had a problem. People noted. One day he noted. Thats when i found out about shield deodorant soap. Shield keeps you feeling fresh and clean all the day long. Youre a changed man shield works long after ordinary soaps dont. Damn you, colbert damn you stephen thats a pretty sexy skunk thats a pungent skunk stephen how old were you when you were doing that . I was, like, 25. Stephen isnt it amazing when youre younger how excited you must have been so excited to get that part. I was absolutely beside myself. Stephen i couldnt get arrested to make commercials when i was younger. I would have killed for that commercial yeah, i know. Stephen because you can play rent youre shooting something with kevin hart called the untouchables here. I dont know if you stephen we can show this. What is happening in this photo right here . Well stephen the name of the film is untouchable. laughter whats going on . And career. Stephen the dignity parade continues. Out the window well, you know, from time to time there are things you can do on the set to energize the crew or just being by energized. Stephen ive never sprung this on my crew yet. laughter what are you waiting for . and kevin hart is a good sport. He took it the wrong way. So laughter stephen i understand that youre going to be doing an adaptation a stage adaptation of network in london. Yes. Stephen who are you playing . If you havent seen it, its a prophetic film from 1974 about what happens to network news and american culture. And patty chiefrski wrote it as a satire back in the day and now doesnt seem sosa tirricle. Stephen i watched it three weeks ago with my is ayearold son and he said, i thought you said this is a comedy. He said, seriously, i dont understand the joke, its what tv is like. Its very potent and will res res resonate with todays audiences. Im doing it in london. I play howard behl, im mad as hell and im not going to take it anymore stephen i can people are ready to yell it again. You guys ready . One, two, three im mad as hell and im not going to take it anymore cheers and applause by the graciousness of the late show and Stephen Colbert, he invited this entire audience over to london add the end of the year stephen im paying. To see my play. Stephen thats a tv promise. Sabans Power Rangers is in theaters this friday. Bryan cranston, everybody well be right back with Audra Mcdonald. cheers and applause success has always been measured in zeros. But shouldnt it be about firsts . And seconds . How about adding a third . We think theres a bajillion ways to measure success. Like making your toddler giggle like this. Yep thats a success can teaching kids in another country how to say pony make you a success . The correct answer is yeah. What about taking pride in everything you do . Finding the courage to do something youve never done . Or doing something no ones ever done . We sure think so. This is what we call. The new Success Story and while success isnt just about money, no matter how much you have, we think you deserve the Financial Freedom to sleep like this at night. We are tiaa, and were with you. Start today at tiaa dot org. Youre not going to make it. Bestselling brand . Do you think you can make it . Uhh. Make it. Every time. Nice going further to keep drivers moving freely. Thats ford. And thats how you become americas bestselling brand. Because when it comes to great tasting water. Fill quickly and pour immediately, for great tasting water. Fast. New brita stream. cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody welcome back to the late show. Folks, my next guest is a tony, emmy, and grammywinning triple threat who uses all her talents to play a wardrobe in the new beauty and the beast. Make madame a great singer bet you can stay awake. The beauty stay with us, pa dam we have someone for you to dress finally a woman pretty eyes proud face perfect canvass yes i will find you Something Worthy of a princess. Oh, well, im not a princess. Nonsense now, lets see what ive got in my drawers oh how embarrassing stephen please welcome Audra Mcdonald cheers and applause stephen hello. You lovely creature. Nice to see you again. Its nice to see you lovely yeemp yourself. Stephen the last time you were here about a year ago. Yes. Stephen you were here, you were about the take off and go to london to perform in th the t end to do a billy holiday show, lady emerson at the bar and grill. Yes. Stephen how did that go . It was a beautiful show. I didnt quite get there. I got pregnant. laughter thats okay. Im married. Stephen its okay even if you werent. Even if you werent. I was supposed to do it and lo and behold at my ripe old age i got pregnant so i had a baby instead. Stephen congratulations. Thank you. Stephen thats a whole other opening. Yeah. Oh, pi god stephen so, boy or girl. A little girl, sally jane, shes four months old. Stephen first child, second child . My second child. My first child is 16. Stephen wow, so you have a buildin builtin baby sitter. Thats the best part. Stephen i have a sister 16 years older than i am, like a second mom, my sister mary. Okay, wow. Stephen so you seem with a little baby. Yeah, theyre tiring, indeed. Stephen yeah. You know, but i sort of feel like im blessed enough to have this one and im just going to enjoy it even though, you know, it it wrecks you a little bit but it blows you up in ways you never thought possible. Stephen youre working through it in interesting ways. Theres a tweet which i love. This is true motherhood, i believe. You tweeted this. I dont know when you did this,u just said, i just spilled grits on my babys foot, then ate said grits from said foot,of the year. Did the baby step in the grits . What happened . I was nursing the while trying to eat grits. I was in the south doing a concert, the grits were so good, independence i was going to eat every last bit. I was nursing and eating, and the last bit on her foot and i thought, i want those grits. So while i was nursing her, i just lifted her foot and laughter stephen thats better than a spoon. This is multitasking andso o kern fess. They were tasty with a little bit of foot on them. Stephen the greatest thing is there is not a ham hock in the world as juicy as that babysfoot. Its absolutely worth it. The grits were worth it. laughter stephen besides having a baby, you received National Medal of the arts. Okay, congratulations. Thank you. Stephen because youre already lady tony but National Medal of the arts is tremendous. When was it and did you go to the white house . Yes, i went to the white house and president obama awards the stephen i remember that guy cheers and applause yeah and i was hugely pregnant. I was due any day but i was not going to miss this chance to go, so i thought maybe ill give birth at the white house maybe thats whats going to happen today, i dont know. Stephen wow. Its a very formal affair. Its lovely and it gets formal when its time to present the medal. The president stands holding the medal, and somebody from the military guard reads a citation about you, and about 20 people are getting the award. We were lined up and whos supposed to get the award next. The person on this sides gets his award. Im thinking, you can do this, walk up there with your big old belly. Then he skips to the guy on the other side of me. I thought, okay. After that, he went to the guy on the other side of that guy, and i kept thinking, maybe im not getting one. And president obama looked, he kept looking, we skipped here. Why are we skipping her . They said, we dont have a citation for her. Stephen they lost the paperwork . They lost the paper. So president obama said, i know her, shes a friend of mine. Hes getting ready to make up some stuff. Finally, they find the paper, they run it up to the guy and he starts to read it. I thought, dont screw it up, smile and make mr. Obamas hand. As hes shaking my hand he said, you just had to mess this up, didnt you . laughter stephen thank you so much for being here. Thank you. My pleasure. Stephen beaut beauty and te beast is in theaters now. Back with a performance by standup comedian greer barnes. Stick around various shouting heigh ho its off to work we go woman on the gulf coast, new exxonmobil projects are expected to create over 45,000 jobs. And each job created by the Energy Industry supports two others in the community. Altogether, the industry supports over 9 million jobs nationwide. These are jobs that natural gas is helping make happen, all while reducing americas emissions. 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Thats deliciously different. I love it even more than the sea. Hey, dont get all mushy on us. Its dinner time and you worked overtime. So you have. No time. But you dont have to cut corners, mom wendys kids meals are now just 1. 99 after 4pm for a limited time. And you can treat yourself too. Its about time. cheers and applause stephen hey welcome back, everybody cheers and applause my next guest is a regular at the comedy cellar, who recently made a notable appearance on hbos crashing. We cant see eye to, man, you. What . Yeah, you bumped me, took my spot. Im supposed the to do colbert tomorrow night. If i have a bad time on colbert tomorrow night youre going to be halfway to an as whooping. Stephen please welcome greer barnes cheers and applause cheers and applause cheers and applause thank you. I guess ill get right into it. I dont like walking upeh at ni. laughter makes me really uncomfortable, so i cross the street. And in the hood, you walk with your head town. Thats how you do it. As soon as you get in the house youre, like, whoo i made it i got to call my mom. Hi, mommy i made it yeah, love you, too. Byebye. So a couple of night ago, im walking home. Ive got beats going dont have no headphones, just beats going and im walking voicing beats huhoh, white woman. I better cross the street voicing beats huhoh, another white woman. So now im walking in the middle of the street, which makes it look even more creepy. Almost like, which one of these women . laughter then theres the cab driver honking . Get out of the street, brother im, like, there is white women all over the place. in middle eastern accent holy crap, get in cheers and applause and he drives me to safety. And hes, like, brother, when walking at night, you have to be very careful. These policemen and white women are very dangerous, brother. You have to take care of yourself, denzel. laughter thats not my name. laughter i know a lot of you white women are looking at me, like, oh, my god, i didnt know you guys felt that way laughter so im seeing white women talking to black guys on the street, like, its okay, you can walk behind me. This is america, you shouldnt feel that way. Rare im kidding. Why are you running . laughter if i was a white woman, i would rob black dudes. laughter id walk up to the black guy and, like, hi, my name is raza, give me your wallet. Sarah . Thats my grandmommas name. Give me your wallet or im gonna scream. Wait a minute here, sarah laughter theres a couple white women in here who are, like, we could actually do that. I mean, i hate to say it, but whos gonna believe him . laughter ill be explaining it to an officer yeah, she was about this tall, had brown hair, brown eyes, i think she did yoga. laughter and she ran in that direction. And you mean to tell me a man of your stature couldnt catch her. Stephen what do i look like chasing a white no, no, i couldnt catch her. laughter it would be an epidemic of white women robbing black dudes. White women would be waiting outside of black clubs, like, you have to come out some time cheers and applause thank you. cheers and applause stephen his first comedy album, see what im saying is now available on itunes. Greer barnes, everybody well be right back. cheers and applause stephen well, thats it for the late show, everybody. Tune in tomorrow when my guests will be ryan reynolds, josh lucas, andy daly, and musical guest green day. Now stick around for james corden and his guests, Kaitlin Olson and ben platt. Good night captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org are you ready yall to have some fun feel the love tonight dont you worry bout where you come from its gonna be all right its the late, late show ladies and gentlemen, all the