Their way of life and all life on earth. Am i really that powerful. Of course i am. Now, night night. Dont let the bed bugs bite. Its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, we welcome will arnett. Pete molless and comedian paul mecurio. With jon batiste and stay human. Now live from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause . Stephen hey. How are you . Nice to see you. cheers and applause welcome to the late show. I am your host Stephen Colbert and man t is friday, right . Theres no. cheers and applause . Stephen and i just want to say these people are excellent liars because it is actually thursday right now. Heres the deal, we taped this ahead of time, okay. We did this on thursday night. This is the second show we have done on thursday. And im only telling that you is because i want you to know its thursday because we just learned minutes ago, this is true, that the 9th Circuit Court of appeals has ruled that george and amal clooney are having twins, everybody. So exciting, so exciting. Jon thats really nice. Stephen first jayz and beyonce, now george amal. So exciting, next year they will fight in a pit, all for charity, obviously. Doctors arent telling us anything about the sex of the children, all they can tell us is that they are breathe takingly beautiful. Also, and this is actually true, just moments ago the 9th Circuit Court has ruled that it is refusing to reinstate trumps travel ban. applause . Stephen so things so things are staying the way they are. For now. And well have more on this story as nothing continues to happen. Now now lets go back to pretending its friday. Everybody ready for the weekend, you guys . So ready. Theres nothing like a friday crowd, you know, you know who could really use time off, high white house pretion secretary and how School Wrestling coach you never thought you would run into, sean spicer, he has had a rough couple of weeks. For one Melissa Mccarthy ripped him a new spice hole on saturday night live but the president , evidently, was not laughing because apparently trump thought a woman playing a man makes spicer look weak. First of all, i have met Melissa Mccarthy and she could kick the ass of every pan in that administration. cheers and applause . Stephen but if the president thinks a woman portraying sean spicer makes him look weak, then hes really not going to like this picture we made of a little girl pretending to be donald 2ru6r7. laughter trump. And hes especially not going to like it when you retweet it at him with the hashtag larger hands. And, she could palm a basketball, that kid and while arguing for trumps travel ban, was this today, no, this was the last few weeks, while arguing for trumps travel ban, spicer evidently repeatedly cited the atlanta terror attack. I dont remember any terror attacks in atlanta. And neither does cnn. What is the atlanta terror attack. Still unclear what hes talking about. laughter . Stephen by the way, still unclear what hes talking about is also trumps 2020 campaign slogan. laughter and hell make it. Hell make it. Hell run again. Hell run again. Now later spicer set the record straight in an email writing that when he repeatedly said atlanta on different occasions he clearly meant orlando. Clearly. People get orlando and atlanta mixed up all the time. Thats why you always hear civil war buffs talking about general sher mans burning of epcot. laughter i say we must never forget the attacks on atlanta or bowling green. Because if we do, thats just pre711 thinking. And turns out spicer is this is what we are hearing, that spicer has not been impressing the boss either. Because apparently trumps been disappointed in spicers performance and hes begun the search for a new communications director. Yeah, hes got to find a new guy to go out there with the press. Surely trump knows someone who can be calm and clear under pressure. You do not want to [bleep] with me laughter . Stephen ill say this, meatloaf is less aggressive than spicer. And you can tell the pressure is getting to sean. When a reporter asked today why the president didnt tweet about a terror attack in canada but did tweet multiple times about nordstrom dropping ivankas clothing line sean spicer got a little spicey. The complain president doesnt have to tweet about anything. Hes tweeting about this, hes not tweeting about something else. I came out here and actually spoke about it. The president s time. You are equating me addressing the nation here in a tweet. I mean thats the silliest thing i have ever heard. laughter . Stephen really . Sean . S that hes the silliest thing youve ever heard . Sillier than the president of the United States tweeting out whatever turd floats to the top of the old punch bowl . Surely, surely, sean, cheers and applause . Stephen thats silly . Surely youre not suggest be, surely youre not suggesting that your press briefings are more important than the unfiltered opinions of the leader of the free world. I mean the White House Press room, its nice but it only has 49 seats. Donald trump has 24 million twitter followers so lets be clear. The news is whatever he is saying on twitter. Your job is to clean up after him. I mean in the circus, you would never say the elephant was less important than the guy who shovels his poop. So lets just keep this in mind. Thats the gig. Things do not look good, sean. You might want to get a head start on your post retirement memoir long ties, big lies and made up crowd size, my crazy three weeks in the trump administration. I would buy that. I would say i had to jon batiste and stay human, everybody. Well, valentines day is next week. And theres nothing giving a nice card to your special some one. It is the kind of gesture that says my office is near a walgreens. But even the best valentines day cards had to start somewhere. And the people who write them dont always nail it on the first try. Which is why tonight were going to look at some early greeting card efforts in our segment first drafts. No, no, stupid. Stephen all right, whenever we do first drafts i never do it alone. I always do it with someone to help me. Lets go out here and see if there is someone who can help me do first drafts tonight. All right, somebody want to anybody . Oh, thank you very much. Sure, please. I would love it. Thank you very much. Come with me, please. Thank you very much. All right. Whats your name, please. Patty. Stephen patty, patty what . Smith. Stephen patty smith, everybody, say i had to patty smith. Now patty, happy valentines day. Thank you. Stephen do you drink . No. Stephen you dont drink, all right. Well, yes, i do. Stephen you dont have to, i can drink it i only have one. Okay, you have it. Stephen i have it, okay, ill have that, fine. This turned out to be a good valentines for me. Patty, will you accept this rose. Oh, thank you. Beautiful. Stephen patty, do you have any allergies. No, i dont. Stephen you dont have any allergies, here is some chocolate, dig in right there. Thats the real stuff, if you want a little chocolate right there. I think i will hold off. Stephen okay, well. Its beautiful. laughter . Stephen ill have the whole damn thing. Youre a real romantic, patty. Patty, are you here with your valentine tonight. Yes, hes right out there in the audience. Stephen who is the gentlemen. Roy. Stephen can we get a shot of roy out there. Hey, roy. How long have you and roy been married . It will be 46 years in july. Stephen 46 years. Congratulations. Thats fantastic. What i need your help is here, have you ever seen first drafts before. I havent. Stephen this is how it works. I would like you to hold these and please keep them in that order. What i would like you to do like the magician assistant i would like you hand me the top card when i call for the next card. And lets start now. Thank you very much. So what we do on first draft, patty, is i read you the final draft of a card and then i show you what the first draft was. Which was not as successful as the final draft, are you on board . Yes. Stephen do you understand the premise of the joke. Yes. Stephen excellent. Here is the first one. I kind of like this one. This is a cute one that says, you still drive me crazy. All right . Thats nice. But the first draft, just the top one please, thank you very much. First draft said if you take out the garbage without replacing the bag one more time, i will put the bag over your head while you sleep. While i got you here, there will probably be some people out there who arent married or thinking about getting married. What is the secret of 46 years, patty . Persistence. Stephen persistence. Just keep grinding on. Keep grinding on, no matter what. Exslebts. All right. This is, i really like this one here. It says you make my heart skip a beat, but the first draft said, please stop feeding me so much sausage. Very nice people, there you go. Thank you very much. Here is a valentine for the whole family that says friends may come and go but a sister is forever. Nice. Thats sweet. Sweet. But the first draft said why didnt you make becky your maid of honor . Do you have brothers and sisters. One brother. Stephen you have one brother. Yes. Stephen are you an older brother or younger brother. Younger brother. Stephen are you a bossy older sister. I was. No longer. Stephen im sorry about that. All right. Lets see. So heres a nice one it says on this valentines day, i give all my love to you. Okay . Very sweet, very sweet, first draft wasnt quite as good. First draft said on this valentines day i give half my love to you and half of my love to the jacksonville jaguars, go jags. Do you have any plans for valentines day . Probably go swimming, go out to lunch. Stephen go swimming on valentines, is that traditional. Indoor pool. Stephen you have an indoor pool. We belong to a club with an indoor pool. Stephen sounds leak a nice club, is there a valentines event. No, tuesday, we go swimming on tuesday. Stephen got you. This one says, this one says alice, will you be my valentine. But this one, the first draft of this one said sarah, will you be my valentine, i hope so. Otherwise i will ask alice. Very specific. applause . Stephen do you guys have kids. We do, three kids, six grand children. Stephen wow, are all the kids married now . Yes. Stephen are you happy with the loved ones that your children have found . Absolutely. Stephen okay frk you say no, i will just cut it out of the show. You can be totally honest. Heres one, it says youve got the biggest heart of anyone i know, all right. But the first draft said, seriously, the sausage is killing both of us. Another sausage card. So important. The first sausage card. Check this one out, classic. How do i love thee, let me count the ways. But the first version said, i love thee two different ways, three if its your birthday. Well, patty, thank you so much. Thank you. Stephen thank you, bring this to your husband. Bring this to your husker and this to your husband too. Patty smith, everybody. Well be right back with will arnett. So tasty. It helps put some distance. Between you and temptation. Clinically proven to help reduce hunger between meals. From metamucil, the 1 doctor recommended brand. applause . Stephen hey, everybody. Welcome back. Folks, my first guest tonight is an emmy nominated actor who now voices batman in the Lego Batman Movie. You cant spend the rest of your life alone dressed in black listening to angry music and staying up all night. Yes, i can. Cuz im batman. Dont you think its time you finally face your greatest fear . Snakes . No. Clowns. No. Snake clowns. Bruce, your greatest fear is being part of a family again. Nope, now its snake clouds because you put that idea in my head. Stephen please welcome will arnett. cheers and applause lovely to see you again. Lovely to see you too. You know, they say a sign of a genius is a guy without wears a blue suit. Stephen yeah, yes. Looks like we have a couple of guys if blue suits. Stephen slowly disappearing too that chair. I know. Stephen youre a floating head. Yeah. Stephen im always struck when i see you that you are much taller than i this . Right over there, i didnt usually if somebody is like i know is considerably taller than me, ive got enough of an ego that i stay on one of the steps an dont go all the way down to the floor. I made the mistake of going all the way up to you, and i was greeting your neck tie. I get that a lot. People say youre much taller. I guess it is an compliment. I dont know. Because i seem shorter. Stephen so, because you can not tell on television. Yeah, thats true. Stephen its very hard with voice over aking to know how tall the guy is. Thats true. Stephen now very excited about the Lego Batman Movie. I love the lego movie. And obviously batman breakout star. Well, you know. Stephen they dont make a movie if its not the breakout star, lego batman. I suppose, i suppose. It was an experiment on their part. Stephen thats a compliment. Yes. Stephen thats a compliment. I dont know how to deal with compliment. Stephen no . Just say thank you. Thank you. Stephen you disn do that very well. Now bruce wayne, batman. Yeah. Stephen is he bruise bruce wayne in the lego batman too . Yeah, yeah. Stephen bruce wayne, not all that mentally well, billionaire who puts his name on a lot of things and lives in a big house. Thinks hes the only one who can save the world. Where is he wears a bath robe a lot. Stephen yeah. Open in the front. You saw the clip. Stephen yeah does it remind you of anybody. Does it remind me of anybody . Just off the top of my head, no. Stephen last time we were together, i done know, nine months or something like, that was before the election and we were on the show, we were toying with the idea that maybe you and i run for president. Sure. Stephen at some point. cheers and applause . Stephen we decided against it. We did decide against it because at the time we didnt realize how low the threshhold was. Stephen and you and i know that were completely unqualified for the job. Absolutely. That would be our platform, right. We are beyond unqualified. Stephen this is a huge mistake, 2016. Sure. Stephen yeah. Who do you think without do you think president , without do you think vice president. I would like to be the president , but again, youre taller. Yeah. Stephen and that tends to go to the president. I just think for peoples security, like feeling secure, the tall guy should be. But its just its an illusion, if you will. Stephen right . I could get some lifts. Thats fine. I want to you say, were around the same age. You might. Stephen i want to say that too. I know. Stephen i really i really want to say that. How old are you . Im a 46 year old man. Stephen were around the same age. You see. Stephen yeah, yeah, is what i would like to say. I like to say that im closer to 30 than i am a hundred. Cuz thats a fact. Stephen i am too. There you go. I had to do a little math there. Now you, are you totally ready to get politically involved here. Here you are, you were in london why were you in london. I was shooting a film in the beautiful country of wales for a couple of mopts. Stephen what was the movie. A fun family movie coming out next year. Stephen you cant say what it is. I cant really its called show dogs, im lying about that i cant say it. See again, im qualified to be president. Stephen you were at the womens march in london, there you are. Yeah, yeah. applause that was that was a really that was a really special day, the womens march was incredible and i said this before, the greatest part for me was getting a text from my mom and her saying how proud she was and that meant a lot to me. I have a lot of important women in my life including my moms and my sisters. My position is i will be damned if they will be treated like second class citizens. So. cheers and applause . Stephen are have you marched, you have done any Political Action, done any marching in the states . I have not really done any Political Action or marching, rather, in the states. Stephen i was wondering if there was a difference between here or there. What was great being there was, lets bring it down for a minute. What was great being there was when you realized the impact that this country has on a global scale. And how much what we do in our policies, et cetera, have over there and really touch the lives of people everywhere. Stephen cuz we tend to think of other foreign governments of thats cute, you have your own government, thats really great. We the free world and im glad you have something to keep you busy. Yeah, exactly, yeah. But no, it was really interesting being there. Everybody is very polite am. I will say that. Stephen very polite march. A very polite march. But very loud. Stephen like the hey hey ho ho, hello guf, hello guf. They were very into it, i will say that. It was an incredible experience. It really was it was a life changing experience. But at the same time, people are like sorry, sorry. Theyre just very, theyre just a very they put a lot of value on on being civil with one another. And i think that that is something we could probably learn from that. Stephen that would be lovely. Well, just to be civil, i hope you will pardon us while we take a short commercial break. I dont mind at all, stephen. Stephen well be right back with more will arnett. applause whoa and the parents who worry about them. You saw him, right . Going further to help make drivers, better drivers. Dont freak out on me. Thats ford. And thats how you become americas bestselling brand. Lines . An develop fine lines what lines . The chapstick total hydration collection. Our advanced skin care formulas instantly smooth and transform your lips. Chapstick. Put your lips first. And i even got my. Own dance. Ace. The humpty dance is your chance to do the hump. Humpty dumpty the what . Turbotax agent hello mr. Dumpty, do you have a tax question . Humpty dumpty have you ever heard of the humpty dance . 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