and musical guests japandroids. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! thank you. thank you very much. what's going on? what's up? thanks, everybody, in here, out there, all around the world. welcome to "the late show." i'm stephen colbert. let's get right to it. i want to get these jokes out before trump fires me. ( laughter ) the big story is that at 8:00 tonight, donald trump announced his pick for the supreme court live from the white house. i will never forget where i was when i heard the news: sitting in an edit room inserting this clip into the monologue, because we tape the show at 5:30. ( laughter ) are you ready? trump's scotus nominee is... federal judge neil gorsuch! >> audience: boo! >> stephen: you know nothing about him yet. don't boo yet. let me say it, and then boo. ( laughter ) no surprise he chose him. he is a strict constitutional originalist. that means he rules only as the founding fathers intended in cases like "marbury vs electricity is the devil's magic" and "the people vs. slavery is cool, right?" ( laughter ) now, we're just 10 days in, and it feels like it's total chaos at the white house, and this is supposed to be the honeymoon. how could trump blow the honeymoon? he's had three of them. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) this is what you've been traeng for, sir! now, i don't know, here's the thing. it was chaos during the campaign, too. you don't know if it's real chaos or planned chaos. it's cunning. does donald trump not know what he's doing, or not know what he's doing... like a fox! ( laughter ) now, we will explore that question tonight in my new segment, "what's happening?" >> what's happening? ( applause ) >> stephen: well, what's happening right now is that last night trump fired acting attorney general sally yates, seen here looking like the actress who will eventually play her in the tv movie. he fired her because she instructed the justice department not to defend his refugee ban. and the white house released a statement about it. now, we don't know who wrote it, but let me read it to you. "the acting attorney general, sally yates, has betrayed the department of justice. ms. yates is an obama administration appointee who is weak on borders and very weak on illegal immigration. sad." ( laughter ) now, people have started calling the firing of yeats, the monday night massacre, which is what i believe they call "monday night football, when the browns are playing. so right or wrong, it has been a disaster with stories like: and he's a u.s. citizen. now, this sounds bad, but yesterday, white house press secretary and angry neck with ears, sean spicer defending the detainment. >> the point is you can go through and nitpick and say, "well this individual--" but that's why we slow it down a little, to make sure that if they are a five-year-old, that maybe that they're with their parents and don't pose a threat. but to assume, just because of someone's age or gender or whatever, that they don't pose a threat would be misguided and wrong. >> stephen: yeah, not handcuffing a child is a security risk. we all know kids go through stages. the terrible twos, the fatwah fives. this boy fit the profile. he was a young, unmarried male arriving from iran. he could have been radicalized or, if he missed his nap, very cranky. bottom line what he's saying is spicer wants you to remember that you can never be safe from anyone anywhere, regardless of race, gender, or age. it's like they say: "if you see someone, say something." fortunately, fortunately, folks, trs a band of heroic go-getters who could lead us out of this dark time-- congressional democrats. last night, they held a rally on the steps of the supreme court, presumably, to kiss it good-bye. and in this hour of crisis, nancy pelosi rallied a troubled nation with these immortal words: >> good evening, everyone. thank you very much for coming out. is the sound working? got it? the sound working? >> no. >> i don't think they can hear it. >> i can hear you. can you hear us? is the sound working? ( laughter ) >> stephen: we're doomed. ( laughter ) it's like the battle cry in braveheart: "they may take away our lives, but they'll never take away our... hello? is this thing on? can you guys hear me in the back there? oh, they're tearing me guts out! oh! hello! hello! hello, cleveland." don't worry, though. even without a working mic, nancy pelosi brought out the big guns in the fight against trump. >> shall we sing "this land is your land" again until they get the sound working? >> stephen: of course you should. singing always works. just like patton defeated hitler with jazz hands. ( laughter ) okay-- let's all stay cheerful here. okay, so maybe the dems screwed the pooch on this one, but i happen to know they have a plan for dealing with trump's supreme court pick. and it's to let republicans confirm trump's pick. genius. oooh, he'll never see nothing coming. it's the strategy sun tzu so cunningly describes in "the art of war," "use your underwear as a white flag, if you haven't crapped it yet." ( laughter ) ♪ ♪ we've got a great show for you tonight. when we come back, we'll go over trump's executive orders with a special friend, so stick around. fortified.tored. replenished. emerge everyday with emergen-c packed with b vitamins, antioxidants, electrolytes plus more vitamin c than 10 oranges. why not feel this good everyday? emerge and see. i bet you a buck hek catches this salt shaker.u. you're on. hey chuck! you owe me a buck. you can't always see what's coming... ...but when you choose unitedhealthcare, finding an in-network doctor is easy. unitedhealthcare the world is full of surprising moments. they're everywhere. and as a marriot rewards member, i can embrace them all. the new marriott portfolio of hotels now has 30 brands in over 110 countries. so no matter where you go, you are here. join or link accounts at members.marriott.com. all right? how do you become america's best-selling brand? ooohhh yeah. keep breathing. keep breathing. im breating, let's go. you make it protective. can you go a little faster? just trying to be safe. you make it hard working. hey guys. you make it so everyone's happy. going further to make life better. that's ford. and that's how you become america's best-selling brand. ♪ it's crispety. it's crunchety. it's a one-of-a-kind experience. butterfinger. there's nothing like it. ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: jon batiste and stay human, everybody! say hi to the band. what's up, my friend? good to see you! ( cheers and applause ) you know, i don't know where you guys get your news out there, but i love-- i love the "usa today." it's got all this color and everything. i get home delivery of the "usa today" because it makes me feel like i live in an embassy suites. and i love today's headlines. it says, "10 days. 20 executive orders." okay. he's pulled out of trade deals, approved the border wall, revived the keystone pipeline. i just got to imagine, though, after 10 days and 20 orders, he's got to be done, right. there can't be any more of these executive orders. >> he's got more, he's got more. trust me, he's got more. ( cheers and applause ) he's got more. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: ladies and gentlemen, jon stewart. jon stewart, everybody. so good, so good. thank you. jon, please, please, join us. jon stewart, ladies and gentlemen. ( cheers and applause ) thank you. jon, i have to say -- >> thank you so much! thank you! ( cheers and applause ) thank you! >> stephen: jon, i have to say-- i-- i love your outfit. is this-- is this-- is this your donald trump impression? >> i thought this is how men dressed now. i thought this is-- the president sets men's fashion. and i saw the inauguration-- super-long tie, dead animal on head, boom! ( laughter ) boom! done! boom! >> stephen: it's a good look. you rock it. you rock the look, jon. >> no, it's the best. it's the best. >> stephen: well, jon, you know, you know it's always a pleasure to have you stop by. is... is there anything i can do for you, jon? >> he has more executive orders. you were talking about president trump, executive orders. >> stephen: oh, that's right. >> he has more and i have them. >> stephen: wairkt you say you have-- >> i've got -- >> stephen: you have trump's executive orders. >> would you like me to read some? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: will the pile-- the pile of props behind my desk? >> left them right behind your desk. >> stephen: i didn't even see them before. i apologize. >> i don't know if you know this. i sleep here. >> stephen: oh, that's right. you're homeless now. >> i'm homeless now. >> stephen: that you're no longer on cable. >> that's right. >> stephen: this right here, this right here-- here -- >> stephen: this is one of his executive orders. number one. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: jon, is this-- is this one of the rescue animals from the farm? ( laughter ) ( applause ) he looks so happy. >> i really thought for a second he was trying to climb down. >> stephen: please, do go on. number one-- people, this nation is in crisis. this is serious. >> stephen: all right, please, executive order number one. executive order number one: "by the authority vested in me by the constitution, i, donald j. jonah jameson trump, hereby direct that, to secure our border, china-- china, shall immediately and without hesitation send us their wall. done." boom. done, boom. done, boom. >> stephen: i understand, i heard-- >> china's wall, sent towrks boom! >> stephen: i heard the boom. >> done! >> stephen: i heard the done. >> stephen: how then do we get mexico to pay for it? >> this is the genius, stephen. when the wall arrives at the southern border, we shut the lights and pretend we're not home. it's c.o.d. mexico has to sign for it. done." boom. for editing purposes what do you want me to do with this. >> stephen: leave it right there. >> it's way too long and you're going to edit it. >> stephen: is it too long. >> audience: no! >> stephen: will make it longer? keep the hat on. >> no, no. >> stephen: the hat comes off. >> if you say continuity doesn't matter, (bleep) the whole thing. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: what is this? what is this? >> this next encyclical-- >> stephen: encyclical, >> i do pronounce america finally has an official language. >> stephen: and i assume that's english. >> no, the new official language of the united states is (bleep). ( cheers and applause ) >> i, donald j. trump, have instructed my staff to speak only in (bleep). and, by the way, none of that, 'sure, i'll speak (bleep) at work, but at home i'll use facts and real information.' no. (bleep) all the time. immersion-- it's the only way to be fluent. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: now, jon, i just want to point out, i hold in my hand the last executive order. >> oh, no from the desk of donald j. trump. hold on. mmm. i wonder what it says? >> stephen: sis, boom, bah. >> that would have killed at the united nations national assembly in 1977. >> stephen: this is the last. you hold in your hand the very last. >> this is the last one. are you ready for the final donald j. trump executive order. >> stephen: sit down. now, back, down, down. down, boy! oh! it's a clip-on. ( laughter ) ( applause ) it's-- it's a (bleep) clip-on. where is the mic? >> let me say something. this is for budgetary purposes. necessary the new trump white house's fiscally sound-- that's in my-- oh, boy! >> stephen: and the last executive order is. >> may i read the last executive order. >> stephen: yes, you may. >> "i, donald j. trump, do declare by executive order that i, donald j. trump, am exhausting. it has been 11 days, stephen. 11 (bleep) days. 11! the presidency is supposed to age the president, not the public! ( cheers and applause ) and the reason-- this is-- the reason that i, donald j. trump-- thi this is his words-- the reason that i, donald j. trump, am exhausting, is that every instinct and fiber of my pathological self-regard calls me to abuse of power. i want-- i, donald j. trump, want-- 92, deserve, not just your respect, but your admiration. parades with the tanks and the synchronized dancing. and why can't they train 10,000 doves to spell out 'trump' in the clouds? how hard can it be? they're already flying! i, donald j. trump, am exhausting because it is going to take relentless stamina, vigilance, and every institutional check and balance this great country can muster to keep me, donald j. trump, from going full palpatine, with the lightning coming out of the fingertips. yes, fear leads to anger. anger leads to hate. we have never faced this perfect. forful vindictive chaos. but perhaps therein lies the saving grace of i, donald j. trump's presidency. all action will be necessary. an if we do not allow donald trump to exhaust our fight and somehow come through this presidency calamitiy-less, and constitutionally intact, then i, donald j. trump, will have demonstrated the greatness of america, just not the way i thought i would." ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: jon stewart, everybody! we'll be right back with josh groban! who was that? wait. who was that? when you're close to the people you love, does psoriasis ever get in the way of a touching moment? if you have moderate to severe psoriasis, you can embrace the chance of completely clear skin with taltz. taltz is proven to give you a chance at completely clear skin. with taltz, up to 90% of patients had a significant improvement of their psoriasis plaques. in fact, 4 out of 10 even achieved completely clear skin. do not use if you are allergic to taltz. before starting you should be checked for tuberculosis. taltz may increase your risk of infections and lower your ability to fight them. tell your doctor if you are being treated for an infection or have symptoms. or if you have received a vaccine or plan to. inflammatory bowel disease can happen with taltz. including worsening of symptoms. serious allergic reactions can occur. now's your chance at completely clear skin. just ask your doctor about taltz. now's your chance at completely clear skin. there's an unspoken rule that you have to help your friends move. the least they can do is buy you a nice dinner in return. try our bourbon street chicken and shrimp. now under 10 bucks. only at applebee's. remember 2007? smartphones? o m g ten years later, nothing's really changed. it's time to snap out of it. hello moto. snap on a jbl speaker. put a 70" screen on a wall. get a 10x optical zoom. get excited world. hello moto. moto is here. the moto z with motomods. get 50% off on moto z droid. new girl, huh? yeah, i'm -- i couldn't help but notice you checking out my name your price tool. yeah, this bad boy gives you coverage options based on your budget. -oh -- -oh, not so fast, tadpole. you have to learn to swim first. claire, here's your name your price tool. -oh, thanks, flo. -mm-hmm. jamie, don't forget to clean the fridge when you're done. she seems nice. she seems nice. [ door closes ] she's actually pretty nice. oh. yeah. everybody. my first guest tonight a multiplatinum ( band playing ) agreement nominated performer here to celebrate his broadway danew. please welcome josh groban. >> good to see you. thanks for having me. ♪ ♪ wow. >> stephen: now, obviously, you're a world-renowned singer, beloved by millions >> thank you. >> stephen: you are looking a little scruffy these days. >> i am, yes. >> stephen: what is the vibe that you're sending off to the-- to the grobanites. >> oh, yes. my fan bairkts some point in my career, decided they'd call themselves grobanites. it sounds like you need a lotion for that. >> stephen: or it's like-- like an obscure form of amish. >> oh, yeah, yes. the grobanites. oh, how they plow, the grobanites. how they tend to my field. >> stephen: just lose this-- >> yes. >> stephen: and i can see you in a straw hat saying, "hello, english." >> look under your chairs. bread for everyone. >> stephen: yes. >> i'm growing the beard for that very broadway production you were talking about, "natasha, pierre, and the great comet of 1812". and also -- >> stephen: here it is right here. it's at the imperial theatre. beautiful play. >> it's a lot of fun. and i-- i don't know. it's different for me. that's i guess my gibe i'm sending out to the grobanites right now, is hairy (bleep) is my viep right now. >> stephen: it's based in part on "war and peace. >> it is. our producer found this 70-page section of "war and peace expwts he thought it would be a great basis for a musical and especially kind of the time wiers in now, when you contemporize something like this story it really has much deeper meaning. i peer pierre from "war and peace" and that's why i have a beard. it's an amazing kind of electro-pop -- >> stephen: have you read "war and paetion?" >> i am about 820 and a half pages into it-- somebody goes, "yeah!" thanks. it's a doorstop of a novel. >> stephen: how far is that from the end? i have never read it? 820 pages. how far from the end? >> i would say i have 300 or so pages to go. that's a lot of toilet time. ( laughter ). >> stephen: do you know how it ?endz who wins, war and peace?" >> i think a little bit of both. i think it's a good "war and peace" blend at the end. it's balanced. >> stephen: here you are as pierre right here. you are wearing a fat suit in there. >> yeah. >> stephen: why not just gain the weight? why not pull a de niro and go to italy and eat your way down the boot. >> as fun as that sounds, i probably couldn't ifimented to because i'm sweating so much in that very suit, the ironic thing siwind up burning so many calories doing the show -- >> stephen: if you were fat, you wouldn't have to wear the suit. >> that's exactly right, sure. we also have-- very good point. ( laughter ) that's why you're you. >> stephen: that's exactly right. ( laughter ). >> we have so many stairs on the stage that we sometimes have thought about putting a fitbit on and see how many stars we climb opinion 50 flights a show or something like that. >> stephen: one of the interesting things about the show is the stage is very immersive. are you over and around the audience and the audience is on stage. >> yeah. >> stephen: is that distract? you're right in there with the audience and they're with you. >> you're look people dead in the eye, you're singing into their faces. you're spitting on their tables at times. >> stephen: is that extra? you're spitting on their tables? >> you get very salivating when you're singing big stuff. and it's just-- you know, sometimes you see a friend you didn't know was going to be there and they give you a... while you're walk down trying to do a really serious number. sometimes a celebrity will show up. >> stephen: oh! >> the critic week was really interesting because they all had their notepads on their expweez usually in the normal theater they're sitting out in the darkness and you don't know they're there, and you see famous critics and they're on the stage and you're singing your guts out and they're going. very terrifying, terrifying. >> stephen: you're famous for having a beautiful voice and a big voice. why so long-- why did it take you so long to get to broadway? it seemed a natural fit. >> it was my first dream. i dreamed of broadway when i was a kid. i'm like you, a sondheim nut, listening to the storytelling and the shows. i was a musical theater major in college when i got signed to my record deal. it was definitely a fork in the road. i wanted to wait for the right-- i wanted toerate waite for the right things, so i could be challenging, so i could be different from what i normally do and a piece i thought would be new for broadway. and while it has taken a while, i'm glad i waited for it. >> stephen: i understand, in order to do this part, you actually had to get a new lady in your life. you, yourself, are surgeon right? >> i am single, yes. >> stephen: how does a guy-- before we get to that-- >> my mom's friends are here. it's-- ( laughter ). >> stephen: but i imagine if you don't have a date for the evening, you can open up the window of your car and sing for a while, and people will come over and ask you out. it's got-- it's got to be, you know, a great calling card. >> i never viewed my voice that way and never viewed my music that way. >> you should. >> rrrr! thanks, stephen. >> stephen: hey, gone to my head. >> mr. colbert. >> stephen: but singing can be very seductive. i bet you could plow your way through the baibz. >> when i sing -- >> stephen: to put it crudely. to put it crudely. i didn't mean that. i bet you could cut a swath to the local-- >> we're talking -- >> stephen: no, but obviously, songs are seductive. >> my songs are sometimes event songs. if i were to roll down my stretch limousine window, i-- no, i don't have -- >> stephen: the groab mobile. >> the groab mobile, yes, hop in the jacuz. i would probably sing one of my songs and somebody would be like, "that was in my uncle's funeral! love you, man!" not sex, not, you know-- >> stephen: well, okay. do you want to have sex! >> where are you going? yeah. >> stephen: no, you do have a new lady in your life. >> understand. it's a very special lady. >> oelga. >> stephen: oelga. >> i understand-- >> my accordion. i named my accordion olga. i squeeze her-- ( laughter ) nightly. >> stephen: did you know how to play the accordion before? >> i did not. i played piano growing up. the keys are kind of the same. the buttons are different. i took the accordian all over the world to learn how to play for the show. it's a great instrument. you feel it breathing with you. you feel it i have braight against you. it's very-- ( laughter ) it's-- boy. ( laughter ). >> stephen: far more intimate conversation than i thought it was going to be. you play the piano, is it-- is the fingering the same? ( laughter ) i don't know. i don't know. is it-- i'm just asking questions here? >> um, it is. you know, it's-- the keys-- the keys feel a little different. and you're going blind. like i said, you're going up the steps and you're walk through the audience so it's a little bit different, but it's a lot of fun to play, yeah. >> stephen: the grobanites-- >> that's it. >> stephen: the grobanites, i understand they make you things? >> yeah, they're very crafty. these are my dolls. these are my pierre dolls. they made me dolls, like fan art dolls for my character. and i'll get one, like, every night, they'll send me a new dog doll, and they are my only friends. ( laughter ) very lonely. broadway life is very lonely. >> stephen: well, you've got olga now. >> i do, that's true, and you now, apparently, so, yeah, yeah. >> stephen: wow. >> i feel like the sexual tension tonight has just been-- is this mine? ( laughter ). >> stephen: that's yours. that's yours, yeah. ( laughter ) i drank out of it first. i understand oprah has had you on so many times. >> yeah. >> stephen: you're an oprah regular over the years. >> she's been very good to me. >> stephen: do you guys keep in touch? >> every so often i'll talk to oprah. she's-- she's the best. she's just wonderful. she was here recently, wasn't she? >> stephen: yeah, yeah. she is actually on cbs now, she just joined "60 minutes." it's now going to be called 59 minutes of oprah and whatever else you got. >> free stuff. >> stephen: exactly. could you just call her up and go, "what's up?" >> i think you wait fair call from oprah. i don't think you make the call. i got a very nice video from her once when she was-- she was very kind when i had a christmas album, she put that on her show, and she was wrapping gifts and listening to my album and wished me a merry christmas. this was a few years ago. i was very grateful for that. at some point she had me skype her friend to sing happy birthday over the computer. that was weird and awesome. >> stephen: so, oprah-- >> always on glawl you can get a groban to sing a happy birthday for you? >> you never know. >> stephen: oprah can just go, "have him shaved and brought to my tent." >> that's it. yes, yes. >> stephen: thank you so much for being here. i really enjoyed bhrg it all. "natasha, pierre, and the great comet of 1812" is on broadway now. josh groban, everybody! we'll be right back with rachael ray. i'm not the type to say any of this... mushy garbage you know what? i'm going for it. you are completely and utterly... awesome... i'm glad you showed up. in my life! i think i'm about to cry... you better not. every single time i... get down! you always have... my back! my back! it's really hard to describe. it's like... all these tiny little... things? yes. yes. things! are actually... friendship. ♪ shocked by your wireless bill every month? additional fees. tacked on taxes. come on! with t-mobile one, taxes and fees are now included! get 4 lines of unlimited lte data for 40 bucks each. that's right - all unlimited. all in! and now, for a limited time save more than you pay in taxes on all smartphones. so switch to t-mobile and save hundreds vs. the other guys. it's better than a tax holiday! and it's only at t-mobile. listerine® kills 99% of bad breath germs. this is 100% useful for a 100% fresh mouth. just ask listerine® users. the very people we studied in the study of bold. people who are statistically more likely to stand up to a bully. do a yoga handstand. and be in a magician's act. listerine® kills 99% of bad breath germs so you can feel 100% in life. bring out the bold™. also try listerine® pocketpaks for fresh breath on the go. ( applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my next guest is the host of the emmy award-winning show, "rachael ray." please welcome rachael ray! ♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> nice to see you! hi! i'm so excited to be here. >> stephen: i'm so excited to have you here. last time you and i were at a place together was also a very fun event. do you remember where that was? >> i do. it was the last bash at the white house. >> stephen: yeah. it was the obamas' "let's lose the damage deposit" party a week before the trump administration started. >> we literally ran into you, my husband and i ran you over. sorry about that. >> stephen: not at all, not at all. a pleasure. >> i am so terrible at going to things like that. it's great when folks come to our show. i get to cook for them, i feel very comfortable, i'm in my element. gog parties, i've been working restaurants since i was 12. i don't get invited to parties. i wait on people. i want to go to parties and clear things. i'm so nervous you. >> stephen: can't do that at the white house. "let me take those dishes to the back room." secret service will tase you if you do that. >> i feel so wildly uncomfortable. when we got there we were talking to julia louis-dreyfus on the line -- >> stephen: hold on a second. >> name drop. i was like, "oh, i know that person. i can chat with them." she said, "this one is going to go really late." i said, "no, it's only until 10:30." she said, "that's the doors." >> >> stephen: right. >> so we hired a dog sitter for our pit bull only until 11:00. we didn't bring our phones -- >> stephen: you're not allowed to bring your phone in. >> i know, but people check them and you must get them back. >> stephen: they give them back to you. >> during the party, people were taking pictures. john said we have no phones and we have no way to reach the dog sitter. >> stephen: what dime did you leave? >> i think it was 12:30 glts. >> stephen: that's what they started making the chicken and waffles. >> i know. i saw everybody else's tweets. >> stephen: let me ask you, i like to cook. i don't think i'm a very good cook, but i really enjoy it. why do you like to cook? how did you get started? >> i think it improves the quality of everyone's life. you know, my mom was one of 10 kids, and she was first. so she was always in the kitchen, you know, with my grandfather. my grandpa lived with us when i was little. and i really have been in a kitchen all of my life. and i -- >> stephen: do you remember the first thing she taught you to make? >> i was on my mom's hip in the kitchen-- my first memory is literally, she had to unravel herself from a phone cord, and she put me down. >> and tried to reach up and grab the pan on the stove. my first memory is literally grilling-- i'm sort of like the harry potter of food. i grilled my thumb, and i think i was marked for life that i was going to be a cook. but i think it really does improve your life. >> stephen: so the first thing you remember cooking is yourself. >> myself! so proud! mom was so proud! no, when you're a little kid, it gives you great self-esteem. when you're a young adult and poor you know you can provide for yourself. you can always get a date. the way to anybody is through your stomach. you're employed. people not only like to cook but watch people cook. you know. >> stephen: i understand you sell furniture now? >> i design furniture. yeah, isn't that weird. >> stephen: have you run up on the of other products to sell? >> i doold. everything in my life is in little notebooks. i doodle food and i doodle furniture. and a friend of mine said, "i really like your home and your sense of design. why don't you take those doodles." and he actually makes furniture and is an engineer and proper contractor. he made them look like real drawings and took them to a furniture company and there you go. >> stephen: what is it called. >> rachel ray home furnishing. that's very creative, isn't it. >> stephen: you do doodle. you sent me this very lovely thing. do you mind fishow this. >> stephen: it's your -- >> stephen-->> i heard you actua cook, and i thought you might like grits. >> stephen: how did you know this was my favorite comfort food. shrimp and grits. look at this, this lovely recipe right there. >> and there's your hot sauce. >> stephen: and there is also boor. is that to drink while i'm cooking? >> both, to go in. it. and there for the cooking. when i write my thank you notes, if i think it's somebody who likes to cook i foodle. >> stephen: that's beautiful. thank you very much. i will make this at some point. ( applause ) you also, even your-- what is it like to go grocery shopping with you? this is your grocery list. this is an idea. this looks like-- like a manifesto by the unabomber. >> i said i'm a very pen-and-paper sort of person. i have to have sort of a game plan when i go there. and i have little categories of what john's going to get, what my mom can pick up, what i pick up. it's bad. i know. i need a-- i need another hobby. >> stephen: is this an average-- >> that's one page. every week is usually three or four. >> stephen: wow! wow! >> it's what i do. >> stephen: is this ths not the show. this is for you. >> no, but we always have people over and i cook for my family, and i like to leave food for my mom when i go back to work. i like to cook a lot of food. >> stephen: as well you should because you have to do it every day. >> three times a day and then gihome and make dinner. >> stephen: 30-minute meals, how does that come about? >> i was working in a market and none of my customers would buy the groceries. i was the grocery buyers for the store. >> and couldn't get anybody to buy the groceries so i looked like i really sucked at my job so i start aid 30-minute meal cooking class to train people to make me more successful at my job. so if i thought them how too cook they would come and buy the fooled. >> stephen: so deps rarration was the mother of invention. >> desperation, exactly! there was a pizza company that had a 30-minute promise, 30 minutes or your pizza was free but that's because of the accidents and lawsuits. i figured if you made 30 minutes for crappy pizza-- very good pizza i'm sure. >> stephen: they might be a sponsor. we don't know at this point. that's all we have time for, rachel. thank you very much for being here. nice to see you again. you can find her furniture line at rachelray.com. rachael ray, everybody! we'll be right back with a performance by japandroids. >> stephen: here performing "near to the wild heart of life," ladies and gentlemen, japandroids! ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ the future's under fire the past is gaining ground ♪ a continuous cold war between my home and my hometown ♪ i was destined to die dreaming when one day, my best friend ♪ with passion and pure provocation ♪ summoned me and said "you can't condemn your love ♪ to linger here and die can't leave your dreams to ♪ chance or to a spirit in the sky ♪ may your heart always be ardent your conscience always ♪ clear and succumb to the city and ♪ surrender, baby i'll be waiting here" ♪ and it got me all fired up to go far away ♪ and make some music from the sound of my singing, baby ♪ and it got me all fired up to go far away ♪ and make some music from the sound of my singing, baby ♪ so i left my home and all i had ♪ i used to be good but now i'm bad ♪ ♪ ♪ it was last call at my local and i stalled saying goodbye ♪ so the girl behind the bar came over ♪ and she took me aside she kissed me like a chorus, ♪ said "give ¡em hell for us the last drink of the night, ♪ last night in town baby, this one is on the house" ♪ and it got me all fired up to go far away ♪ and make some music from the sound of my singing, baby ♪ and it got me all fired up to go far away ♪ and make some music from the sound of my singing, baby ♪ so i left my home and all i had ♪ i used to be good but now i'm bad ♪ ♪ ♪ it was bedlam in my bed that night ♪ and like a silent scream my body broke out in a sweat ♪ from seeing you in dreams you called out to me ♪ i sang back to you and all i remember was the sound ♪ of it being like all hell breaking loose ♪ and it got me all fired up to go far away ♪ and make some music from the sound of my singing, baby ♪ and it got me all fired up to go far away ♪ and make some music from the sound of my singing, baby ♪ so i left my home and all i had ♪ i used to be good but now i'm bad ( cheers and applause ) their album, "near to the wild heart of life," is available now. japandroids, everybody! we'll be right back. dear fellow citizen, i know what it's like to worry about student loan debt. i graduated into it. so i couldn't do the things i love, like traveling. but i knew there had to be a way to manage it. citizens bank education refinance loan. call... an education refinance loan helped me save on payments each month. if you have a question about whether refinancing is right for you, ask me. sincerely, robert kennedy, fellow grad and fellow citizen. call... to refi now. ♪ strummed guitar you can't experience the canadian rockies through a screen. you have to be here, with us. there's only one way to travel through this natural wonder and get a glimpse of amazing. and that's with a glass of wine in one hand, and a camera in the other, aboard rocky mountaineer. canada's rocky mountains await. call your travel agent or rocky mountaineer for special offers now. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that's it for "the late show." tune in tomorrow when my guests will be rickie gervais, christina ricci, and musical guest, jain. now stick around for james corden. good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ ♪ ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ♪ where you come from it's gonna be all right ♪ it's the late, late show >> ladies and gentlemen, coming to you from an alternate reality,e