You know that song fergilicious . I know that. Stephen you know that song . Okay . My repertoire. Stephen thats a toetapper. You start, ill jump in. Fergilicious definition make them boys go loco they want my treasure so they get their pleasures from my photo you can see me you cant squeeze me i aint easy, i aint sleazy i got reasons why i tease them is this whats supposed to be happening . laughter stephen yeah. Oh, its just begun to happen baby. Okay. Stephen yeah. Stephen. Stephen yeah. I dont think my voice fits with your big stick. Stephen oh, okay, yeah, thats cool. Have a great have a great show. I should i should get i should go. What was that . Hey thats a great idea why dont we both didgeridoo. Okay, well double do it. Are you d. T. D. D. . Are you down to double didgeridoo . Get it, lets do it. I guess. Stephen okay, great, awesome. But i dont have the didgeridoo. Stephen oh, really . Whats that behind your ear . laughter here you go. Five, six, seven, eight. Announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, stephen welcomes Matthew Broderick, Ali Wentworth and musical guest fergie. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause captioning sponsored by cbs stephen hey hey, everybody hey, mark. How you doing, chris . cheers and applause jon hey stephen whats going on . Philosophical. Jon philosophical. Stephen hey, everybody welcome to the late show. I am Stephen Colbert. Happy friday what else is there to say . cheers and applause you all ready for the weekend . I am. I absolutely am. You guys you heard about this donald trump guy . Jon uhhuh, uhhuh, uhhuh. Stephen its crazy. He isnt even president yet, and donald trump is already saving jobs. For instance, he has done wonders for mine. laughter applause and yesterday cheers thank you not worth it, but thank you. Yesterday, trump was at the carrier air conditioning plant in indiana after saving 1,000 jobs from being shipped to mexico, sending a clear message to mexican workers if you want goodpaying factory jobs, youre going to have to come here and take it from an american dare you. And everyone he said he would do it. He did it. That was pretty impressive. I dont know how he did it. But it happened. And everyone was surprised by this carrier deal. Even donald trump was surprised. Because, and this is true, he didnt remember that he promised to do it. And they had a gentleman, worker, great guy, handsome guy, he was on, and it was like he didnt even know they were leaving. He said something to the effect, no, were not leaving because donald trump promised us that were not leaving. And i never thought i made that promise. And im saying to myself, man. And then they played my statement, and i said, carrier will never leave. But that was a euphenism. Stephen now jon oh oh stephen im not sure what a euphenism is. But im guessing its a euphemism for something. Point is, trump hadnt planned on doing this but then ended up doing it anyway, sort of like how he got elected president. laughter . Jon hey hey hey. Stephen it shocked him. And he did it what . What . Youre kidding it was a euphenism. And he was able to do this deal thanks to mike pence, who as governor of indiana, was able to offer carrier a tax break. So all trump has to do to save all of americas jobs is have one Vice President from every state in the union. laughter of course, amongst all the good feelings, trump had a warning companies are not going to leave the United States anymore without consequences. Stephen yes carrier faced harsh consequences, like 7 million in tax breaks. So watch out, isis. Knock off the nonsense or youre going to get pajamagrammed. laughter and ever since trump got elected, theres been a lot of attention on whats called the altright news blog. Breitbart dot im not sure. Breitbart. White, its dot white. Breitbart used to be run by trumps chief strategist, steve bannon. Critics say the site is a hotbed of racist, sexist and anti semitic views while supporters say exactly the same thing. laughter well, after getting a lot of backlash, kelloggs has announced they are pulling their ads from breitbart because it didnt align with the company values. Really . The makers of frosted flakes doesnt agree with breitbart . You think theyd love a bright orange cartoon who promises to make the country grrrrrreat cheers and applause jon play it, tommy play it, Tommy Stephen in response to kelloggs pulling ads, breitbart said they were sorry to see a valued advertiser go and would work to try to repair the relationship in the future. Just kidding they actually published this article title, dump kelloggs breakfast brand blacklists breitbart, declares hate for 45,000,000 readers and went on to say if you serve kelloggs products to your family, you are serving up bigotry at your breakfast table. Bigotry . Come on. Cereal is not bigotry. Other than, obviously, lucky charms. That leprechaun is magically offensive that trix rabbits weird, too. Keep him away from the kids. Heres some happy news. Someone committed a crime and got away with it. I have to admit, im kind of excited about this story. Theres a guy here in manhattan who stole a bucket full of gold flakes worth 1. 6 million off a truck. I dont know what gold flakes are. I assume its Donald Trumps breakfast cereal . laughter jon aint no frosted flakes. Stephen this guy just walked up to the back of an armored truck and took it. It was the perfect crime, except for the dozens of cameras that filmed him doing it. Here he is checking out the back of the truck. Then he just grabs an 86pound bucket of gold run, bucket man, run i like to imagine his oceans 11style heist plan all right, first, i assemble a crack team muscles, brains, chinese acrobat. Heres the plan im going to walk up to the bucket and take it, and then im going to have it. laughter all right, shoot some holes in that shoot some holes in that somebody get me some Julia Roberts. The thing is thats how you get Julia Roberts like this. snaps fingers the thing is, this happened on september 29, and they still havent caught the bucketof gold thief. Im no detective, but have they checked at the end of a rainbow . laughter applause weve got a great show for you tonight. Matthew broderick is here and when we come back, we have an Important Message from a furry hat. Stick around. cheers and applause runs on intel . That ride share . You actually rode here on the cloud. Did not feel like a cloud. That driverless car . I have seen it all. Intels driving. The future traffic lights, street lamps. Business runs on the cloud. And the cloud runs on intel. I wonder what the other 2 runs on. car horn its your tv, take it with you. With directv and at t, stream live tv anywhere datafree. Join directv today starting at 35 a month. No extra monthly fees. These numbers are off the charts. This . Sir whats the status . Theres a meteor hurtling towards earth. How long until impact . Less than a minute. What do you want to do, sir . Listen carefully. If we all switch to geico we could save 15 or more on Car Insurance. I like the sound of that. Geico. Because saving fifteen percent or more on Car Insurance is always a great answer. How do they make starburst taste so juicy . They use wicked small fighter jets to shoot the juiciness into every starburst. [ pilot ] its about to get juicy. Whoo i feel so aliii. It takes guts. [ female announcer ] starburst. Unexplainably juicy. At planters, we put fresh roawhich has its drawbacks. An, guys, know anything about this missing inventory . Wasnt me the cheeks dont lie, chet. Irresistibly planters. I feel good i feel good i feel good today oh, so good today cheers and applause stephen welcome back. Were all feeling good today. Say hi to jon batiste and the band, everybody. cheers and applause hey, you know, before the commercial break we were talking about that that donald trump guy . Jon yeah, yeah. Stephen more on that guy. I dont know whats going on with that guy. I dont know. One of the reasons i dont know about him is that he doesnt talk to the press. Instead, he just tweets directly at them, things like, if cuba is unwilling to make a better deal for the cuban people, the cuban American People and the u. S. As a whole, i will terminate deal. Deal bad trump smash deal laughter trumps going to do all of his Foreign Policy via social media. Stop manipulating your currency, china, or he will swipe left. laughter and the twitter presidency is perfectly fine with the only member of the trump press corps that does get an interview with trump, this guy. Stephen yeah, if something bad happens, theyll just tweet it motorcade crashed in ditch. Losing consciousness. Sad. laughter fine, fine. It will be fine. cheers and applause heres the thing. I think trump taking to twitter all the time is just a way for him to get around the press. The way a dictator would go out on his balcony to issue decrees to the adoring masses below which is upsetting to me because, you know democracy. But mainly, because hes clearing ripping off my segment, big furry hat. Why issue decrees from my balcony, and then my staff puts those things on twitter. Need proof hes ripping me off . Hes wearing a permanent furry hat. cheers and applause well, mister, listen up listen up two can play that game that two are already playing. So, mr. Trump, let me show you how its done. This is big furry hat cheers and applause stephen thats good right there. Thats good right there. laughter my people my people. Now that this hat is upon mine head, any and all proclamations i make are now and forever law. Let us begin. drum beat sounds cheers and applause henceforth, the word carpool shall refer only to driving your car into a pool. laughter sharing a ride to work with other people is now called job related morning aroma mingling. laughter applause its been its been 50 years. Its time we bake and eat the pillsbury doughboy. laughter applause there shall be an immediate ban on the manufacture of new coffee mugs. There are enough coffee mugs currently in existence. cheers and applause if you want a new coffee mug, go to the thrift store and just take 20. laughter applause from now on, if its a throw pillow, im throwing it. laughter applause the phrase bowl eligible shall no longer apply to College Football teams, but rather to anything i feel like eating. laughter applause henceforth, eggplant must be named something less misleading, such as bitter purple trash fruit. laughter applause cheers from this moment forth, scientists shall drop everything and invent a drug as satisfying as peeling lint off the dryer filter. If you write if you write if you write hard to read something that far away. laughter if you write a thinkpiece about millennials, you forgo your right to computer help from a millennial. cheers and applause from now on, universal remotes must be truly universal. I want to turn on a tv on the moon. laughter applause from this day forward, eyelashes on a cartoon character do not signify female. Men also have eyelashes. laughter applause to make weather reports more accurate, the actual sun must wear sunglasses. laughter for the sake of honesty, instagram shall change its icon from a camera to a person sitting on a toilet looking at a phone, catching up on their friends vacations. laughter applause henceforth, instead of having to buy a case for my iphone, apple should just make phones that dont bleep break. The hat has spoken well be right back with Matthew Broderick. cheers and applause so tasty. Hello moto. Its time to reimagine the smart phone. Snap on a speaker. A projector. A camera that actually zooms. Get excited world. The moto z with motomods. Get 50 off on moto z droid. Introducing the new turbocharged volkswagen alltrack with 4motion allwheel drive. Soon to be. Everywhere. Digiorno . Rise to the occasion. Its not delivery. Its digiorno. Ito become dangerous. D for an everyday item new tide pods child guard pack. Helps keep your laundry pacs safe and your child safer. Align, press and unzip. cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody welcome back to our broadcast already in progress. I got some exciting news i dont know if you guys know this yet, but please join us next tuesday night because sitting in this chair right here is going to be Vice President joseph biden. cheers and applause and friend of the show, great guy. Thats going to be fun. Hes always fun to have on. He always has words of wisdom, and well get some advice from uncle joe. So be there or be square. Now, tonight my first guest im very excited about, hes one of my favorite people to talk to. A twotime Tony Awardwinning actor known for his beloved roles in Ferris Buellers day off, election and the producers. Please welcome back to the show, the great Matthew Broderick cheers and applause hi. How are you . Stephen good. Nice to see you. Nice to see you, too. Very nice to see you. Stephen i like how casual very casual, very underplayed. I described you as great when you came out here. And youre like, eh, whatever. Ive heard it before, you know. Stephen really . Yeah, but also ive discovered about myself the more tense i am, the more calm i appear, which is a peculiar problem of mine. Stephen you look very calm right now. The calmer i look the more my you know, like that. Stephen your heart is hammering inside . Right now im about to pass out. Stephen i would never know. I would never know. Are you an anxious person . Generally speaking . Some yes. laughter stephen but youre beloved. Everybody loves Matthew Broderick. Dont you love Matthew Broderick . cheers and applause thank you, everybody. Stephen does that soothe you. Did a sign just say, act like you love him . Did a sign light up . Stephen yes, its right here. Well, listen, i think how a lot of people got to know you was 30 years ago because this is the 30th anniversary of Ferris Buellers day off. Yes. cheers and applause stephen i imagine i imagine, because even my kids have watched it. Do people like jump up at you and go, hey, ferris yeah, they still do, yeah. Audience ferris thank you. See, it happens all the time. Or ill be they will say, is this your day off . And i have to thank you. Thats a good one. laughter and i cant think of what other fun ones ive heard. Stephen yeah. I cant think of any. Stephen yeah. When someone is walking at you, do you like know which of your parts theyre going to, like, have known . You know . Can you sort of see them coming . Not i dont have that sense. Usually, its its ferris. But every now and then its, inspector gadget. I liked inspector gadget. Stephen really . Or something really peculiar, lady hawk. Stephen didnt you have the bowl cut . I had the bowl cut. Stephen you had the up burns and the bowl cut. Yeah, it was historically accurate, medieval times. Stephen as was ferris bueller, it was historically accurate, the 1980s. Yes, it was. Stephen yeah. People my friends in high school used to say to me, thats you. Ferris, thats you. Really . Stephen was that a compliment . Absolutely, yeah. I think so. Stephen a troublemaker, a guy who ditches did you do that . Stephen i did it once. And what happened . Stephen i was bored. laughter because i didnt do it with a pretty girl and my troubled friend. Right, well he says that in the movie. He says the worst thing is if you dont plan because you cant just hang out with your friends so you end up home watching tv all day. Stephen thats exactly what i did. Did you ever ditch . Um, no. I would miss a period or two, you know. Stroll in the high school i went to was on central park. Stephen was it like an actor high school . Was this like an Art High School . It was very arty so you could sort of float out every now and then. laughter stephen just feel it, baby. I felt it, i went to the park. Stephen if your character wants to study today did you really go to central park. I need it today. Stephen was this in the late 70s, early 80s . This was the 40s, stephen. Stephen now, you and your lovely wife, Sarah Jessica parker. cheers and applause who i always love seeing. I always love seeing. She you guys are big supporters of. Hillary clinton. Right. cheers and applause stephen they dont know yet. Nobody is going to throw anything. Stephen dont tell them. No, she did not win, but you know, potato, potautoe. Six of one, half dozen, im sure itll be the same uh, but donald trump is a native new yorker. Youre a native new yorker. Have you ever run into him . Have you ever spent any time with mr. Trump . Yeah, i am. I have walked by the building plenty. Stephen but in all your years, youre a famous new yorker. Yeah. Stephen broadway star. You have to have seen him backstage or something. You would think, but i was thinking about that. I dont think ive ever met him. I dont think hes ever come to a show that i was in at all. Stephen really . I never have been no, because usually if somebody like that comes you kind of know it or comes back stage. Stephen yeah, hes loud youd know it. You were great. That didnt happen. laughter i always wanted that. Superb. laughter very, very funny. I dont have a donald trump impression. Stephen you do. You do have a donald trump. Its new. Im sorry to try it out here. I hadnt worked on it. Stephen this is good. Something i should do at home before coming on the show. Stephen not at all. Im improvising all of this. You are . Okay. Stephen the writers write it down after the show is over. Now youve got youve got the new movie. Youre in a couple of new movies. Manchester by the sea, and rules dont apply. The new Warren Beatty movie. Whats he like to work with . Because hes an icon. Hes a giant, a link to an earlier a golden age. Sorry. I need a tissue. It made me laugh. Yeah, he is a link to its just so formal. Stephen he is there arent a lot of Warren Beattys left. No, there arent. Theres only one and his name is Warren Beatty. laughter stephen well, one imagines hes got it in spades, then. Yeah, hes a great hes a wonderful director and it was amazing to meet him even and then to work with him and act with him. I have loved it. Ive loved hi