Stephen colbert. Tonight, stephen welcomes olivia munn Martin Freeman and comedian tom papa. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert y cheers and applause stephen Whoooo Whoooo whats that . Whats that . Jon yeah cheers and applause hey stephen thank you. Thats very nice. Thats so nice. Thats lovely. Stephen Stephen StephenStephen Stephen stephen wow. Thank you so much. Thank you, everybody. Thank you. cheers and applause so kind. Thats so kind. Lovely. Thank you so much for chanting my name. It is my favorite christmas carol. laughter welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. I hope everybody is feeling good, ready for the weekend. Theres a lot going on in the world. Donald trump is. Out there laughter hes getting ready to break yet another president ial tradition, because this week, we learned that he could become the first president in 150 years who does not have a pet. Other than, of course, the rare golden marmot that nests on his head. But a longed time. cheers and applause but a longtime acquaintance of trumps says she wants to give him a nineweekold golden doodle. Speaking of trumps lapdogs, the republicans control both the house and the senate, and when trump becomes president , theyve got some big plans, because Mitch Mcconnell, Senate Majority leader and soda shop owner with a dark secret says, repealing obamacare would be the first item up in the new year. Obviously, first is get a gym membership, maybe at soul cycle though im not sure that Mitch Mcconnell has a soul. Now, republicans have been promising to repeal and replace obamacare for years. And while the repeal appears to be just around the corner, the g. O. P. Plans to delay an obamacare replacement for as long as three years. What . What . What . laughter am i hearing that right . Youre going to take healthcare away from 20 million americans then just figure out how to fix it later . Thats like jumping out of a , plane and knitting your parachute on the way down. cheers and applause jon you dont want to do that. Stephen this was an exhausting election. But thankfully, its finally over. Is a thing i would love to say. Unfortunately, for the good folks in louisiana, theyre holding a final Runoff Election for the u. S. Senate tomorrow. Thats right. A runoff, named because at this point, one more election makes you want to run off a cliff. Now runoffs are typically very low turnout. In order to raise awareness of this important election our resident louisianian, jon batiste, would like to speak directly to his home state. Jon . Jon thank you, stephen. Okay, listen up, fellow louisianians. Im going to say this in words we can all understand. Its time for ya moma and dem to make a pass to the voting booth, ya dig . Its no time for com si, com sa. You got to chose between frank ocean and harry connick, jr. , lil weezy. Let da bon ton roule in da internet and da future is ours, sha papadeaux Breaux Bridge bayou tesh, ya hear voulezvous coucher avec moi, se su. So, remember, on saturday, december 10, if you live in louisiana, speak the language of democracy. Go, vote, you heard me cheers and applause stephen thank you, jon. Thats true. Now, i only caught a little part of what you just said, but i assume it was great. It also gave me a weird craving for crawfish. Speaking of food, the phillies have a stadium nut vendor called the pistachio girl, whos beloved for antics like this emily youcis is the pistachio girl, they call you. Thats right, baby pistachios im the pistachio girl, thats right. Everybody loves the pistachio girl. Pistachios stephen that is my favorite bob seger song of all time. Well, fun story this week, the pistachio girl was fired for being an avowed white nationalist. Then why is she selling pistachios . Cracker jacks has cracker right in the name laughter applause now, thats the natural fit. Thats the fit. Now, obviously, this is upsetting. This is shocking. No one ever expects a beloved nut vernd to be the type of person walnuts oh, yeah its walnut oclock, and im buyin yeah stephen you guys hear that . Its our beloved late show singing walnut boy. Walnuts the nuts are back in town i say wal you say nuts, wal audience nuts wal audience nuts oh, yeah cheers and applause yeah yeah stephen, you know it. Walnuts, theyre the master nut stephen what . Wait, wait, what did you just say . Did you say master nut . That sounds racist. No, no, no, stephen. I believe all people are equal, regardless of race. But i do believe wall nuts are ordained by god as the superior nut. Yeah stephen wait, wait, please stop throwing those. Some people might have an allergy. Youre saying there are inferior nuts out there . Thats right, stephen. Almonds lack the omega3 fatty acid of walnuts. Also, almonds play loud music and steal. Go back to almond land, almonds get out of town stephen stop it. I think almonds and walnuts are each equally fine nuts. What . Did you know that the declaration of independence was signed on a walnut desk . Meanwhile, you cant find a walnut pie anywhere. Pecans are stealing all the nutjobs laughter stephen all right, walnut boy. Im just not comfortable with your nutrageous conspiracy theories, okay. Were going to have to let you go. You cant silence me unmix the nuts unmix the nuts everybody unmix the nuts stephen stop it no. No one join your stupid chant. Were mixing the nuts. This isnt nutzi germany. Hey, thats a good one, stephen. Im going to use that one. Wall nuts stephen youre fired. Youre fired walnut boy. Get out of the here. We have a great show for you tonight. Olivia munn and Martin Freeman are here. But first, im going to play a little game about donald trump. You can win big money. Stick around. timer beeping she needs our help tea kettle whistling sighing hey mom, can i help . Yeah, id love your help. grunting awww. announcer vo the real magic of the holidays is when we all give a little more. My new beer, stella artois, hey cois finished. The people will love it. Originally brewed for the holidays. Enjoyed ever since. Stella artois. Host one to remember enepeople want power. Hallenge. And power plants account for more than a third of energyrelated carbon emissions. The challenge is to capture the emissions before theyre released into the atmosphere. Exxonmobil is a leader in carbon capture. Our team is working to make this technology better, more affordable so it can reduce emissions around the world. Thats what were working on right now. Energy lives here. If you could see your cough, youd see just how far it can spread. Robitussin dm max is now better tasting, with the same fast powerful cough relief. Robitussin dm max. Because its never just a cough. cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody. Give it up for jon batiste and stay human, everybody, the greatest band on television, the greatest band. cheers and applause folks, youre definitely going toment to tune in next week. We have some fantastic guests. Mark wahlberg, miranda lambert, liam neeson, john goodman, james franco, neil patrick harris, and and a special performance from the one and only jon batiste and stay human. I didnt know we had such great guests next week. What kind of host are you if you throw a party and you dont show the up for your own party. Jon you got to be there. Stephen thats crazy billionaire behavior and im not there yet. Also next weeks, we might tell some jokes about donald trump. But well see. Were learning so much about donald trump and heres the best thing, were learning things from crump donald trump. Hes teaching us. For instance, hes teaching us that there are a lot of things president s do that we all assumed are laws but are actually just norms we got used to from previous president s, like the one where you win by getting the most votes. Not a law. Im going to explain the difference between a norm and a law in our new segment, norm or law . cheers and applause okay, heres the deal. Heres how it works. Its notoo complicated. If i describe something thats a norm, like holding the door for someone at starbucks, youll hear this norm stephen if instead i describe something that is a law, like not Holding Someone hostage in starbucks, youll hear this law order theme stephen first up, unlike every other candidate for the past 40 years, donald trump refused to release his tax returns, and we need to see a president s tax returns to know if hes a crook. Fun fact, the first president to release his taxes said this i am not a crook. Stephen fun fact crook. laughter but is a candidate releasing his tax returnaise norm or a law . Norm stephen yes, its just a norm. And heres the crazy part while the president doesnt have to release his tax returns, cabinet and subcabinetlevel positions are required to submit their tax returns to the senate. So, lower level positions are held to a higher standard than the president. Thats like walking into a restaurant bathroom, and the sign says, all employees must wash hands, except the chef. laughter disturbing. Disturbing. applause next up on norm or law . , trump is the richest man ever to be president , which is quite an achievement considering several of the first ones had unpaid farming interns. Thats true. I didnt make that up. So will trump use the presidency to help his business . Previous president s sold off their investments or put them in something called a blind trust, which i believe is also the slogan on trumps new hat. So, trumps going to do the same because thats the law, right . Norm stephen nope, its just a norm. Turns out, the strict federal rules about financial conflicts of interest do not apply to the president , whose incentive to avoid selfenrichment is simply assumed. Yes, its assumed. And when you assume about trump, it makes an ass out of you and me applause and, and, i think we know whos grabbing that ass. laughter but trumps companies are all over the world. Is there any law stopping foreign governments from throwing business his way to get special treatment, or is it just a norm . law order theme. Stephen oh, thank god. And this ones in the constitution. Thems the big laws. Its called the emoluments clause, which is a fancy word for bribe. The founders knew that even honest people might betray their values for cash. Its human nature. Just like its human nature to enjoy the great taste of activia yogurt. Mmmmmmmmm. Activia. Be right back. laughter applause so what about daily Intelligence Briefings . Its crucial for the commander in chief to be constantly updated on threats around the world, but so far, trump has been opting out of them. Thats right, hes just opting out. Donald trump is treating our National Security like i treat emails from pottery barn. Stop Nuclear Proliferation . Unsubscribe laughter cheers and applause that yogurt is really good. laughter so is refusing to be informed violating a norm or law . Norm stephen yep. But dont worry. According to trump advisor kellyanne conway, instead of briefings from the c. I. A. , trump gets his information from a number of sources including his personal and onthephone meetings with over whats now 41 world leaders. First of all, kellyanne, no one says over frun. You can say over 40 or almost 50, but when you say over 41, we all know youre trying to make 42 sound bigger. laughter and theres a reason president s dont get news about other countries from those countries leaders. Foreign leaders lie. Like fidel castro, who, until last week, would not admit that he was dead. Well, thats it for this edition of norm or law, but i have a feeling well learn a lot more about whats technically legal over the next few years for instance, whether we keep the norm that america has laws. Well be right back with olivia munn. This is pepsi zero sugar. Zero sugar. ooooh zero calories. ooooo but max pepsi taste. wow applause pepsi zero sugar. The possibility of a flare was almost always on my mind. Thinking about what to avoid, where to go. And how to deal with my uc. To me, that was normal. Until i talked to my doctor. She told me that humira helps people like me get uc under control and keep it under control when certain medications havent worked well enough. 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Oh well thats nice and checking your score wont hurt your credit. Oh im so proud of you. Well thank you. Free at at discover. Com creditscorecard, even if youre not a customer. No. They come from thes come stomach. Heart. Give the gift of quality time with an applebees gift card. And receive a 10 bonus card for yourself. Only at applebees. cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody. You know my guest tonight from newsroom, and xmen apocalypse. Her new movie is Office Christmas party. Please welcome the lovely olivia munn. cheers and applause hello stephen olivia munn. Hello. Stephen its lovely to see you again. Nice to see you, too. We had an awkward the two kiss i didnt know whether to do the one kiss or two kiss. I dont like the twokiss. You see people, im european. Im american. Stephen its in the constitution. Only kiss people on the cheek once. Thats true. Stephen the last time you were here i had some fun with your mom. Did you. Stephen remember i texted your mom using your phone. You did. Stephen the last time you were here. And i sent her this text that said your moms name is kim. And then later because you were in fact not engaged. I was not engaged, and and you made that confusing for my mother. Stephen yes. Thats what i do. But now, shes very excited because once she saw it on tv, shes convinced that shes very, very famous. And shes like, oh, you know, every come up to me in oklahoma and say, oh, i see you hey, mom. She thinks everybody come up to me. Sometimes its hard. You know. Everybody come up. Its very hard. Everybody say hi. Yeah, shes having a hard time. Its hard to be a celebrity. She will tell you. Stephen she has to look her best when she goes outside. She loves getting texts from you heres my phone. Stephen lets do it. I like how you thought your fingerprint would work. Stephen well, i never know, i never know. There it is, mom. Stephen what up, kim . Question mark. Colbert here. Boy, too soon poorly spelled its coalbear. Stephen its just transcribing everything were saying to each other right now. laughter im going to send this to your mother. Boy, what i just sent your mother. What up, kim, colbert here, its poorly spelled, coal. And its transcribing everything we are saying right now. Please apologize your mother for me. Its going to come through in a second. I will it here. Stephen how are you doing . I understand you took your whole family to a psychic recently . My family a good friend of mine is theresa craputo. Shes the long island medium. I dont know if youve seen her show. She asked me it bring my family on to her show. I said no. My family is great, but theyre not supposed to be on tv, i dont think. But especially psychic tv shows because, you know, on those shows theyre really wanting big reactions year, they want emotional moments when they remember something about, like, a deceased loved one. They are speaking to people that have passed on. That is amazing like, theyre talking to your dead loved ones and you have to have reactions that are fitting. Oh, my gosh this is amazing. My family, theyre a bunch of intellects and theyre very subsued dooud, and even though i told her they wouldnt be agreed great. She insisted. Were doing thing and she goes to my brother first. My brother is johnny spp she said, johnny, do they call you johnyawn . Does everybody call you johnjohn . We call him mr. Johnjohn. And nobody would know that. And i was like, oh, my gosh. We do. And he was like, yeah. laughter shes like, okay. She moves on my 2 my mom. And she said, im feeling like, do you have a necklace . Are you wearing a necklace or is there something from a grandmother. I have to say i made the mistake before doing the reading, and i told my mom, dont give any noaks information. Just say yes or no because you have to let them tell you everything. So my mom is sitting there as if shes being interrogated by the explis shes just so reserved. And she said, do you have a necklace, a thing from a grandmother, a necklace from a grandmother . And my mother is sitting there. I dont know. Maybe, yeah. I dont know. And she said, i feel like you you dont have a necklace with you . And my mom is like, maybe. So at this point im like, okay, i have to, like, mediate of medium now. And i said, mom, its okay, you can just say yes or no. Do you have a necklace or not . And she said, yeah. And i said, where is it . Over there in my purse. Who is it from . Your grandma. So when she was asking if you had a necklace from your grandmother, why didnt you say anything . And she said, because i didnt have it on me. It was with me in my purse. And i said oh, that was the distinction. Stephen your mom is a tough nut to crack. She is. I wanted everybody to have a great reaction. Shooting it. I wanted her to have a good tv show, shes legit, i think. I said, mom, isnt that amazing. Johnny, she didnt know your name was johnjohn. Mom, how would you know you had on a necklace from your grandma. And she said, i believe. I feel it. I said i told you, dont put my family on tv. Here is my mom. What are you talking about . Are you mad at me . laughter . Stephen just say, its Stephen Colberts fault. Lets see what she says back. Stephen ask her if shes wearing a watch. Reatrandfather. Im feeling psychic connection. When i go to psychics and ive only been a couple times because im an adult laughter . But you believe. Stephen i do not. Then why did you go. Stephen what . I was desperate a girl broke up with me this was a long time okay ago. Okay. Stephen i went to a psychic and she got the first three things she asked about me wrong. And i said, youre right. B