Lets jam. You know that song ferglicious. I know that. Stephen ill start you jump in they want my treasure so they get their pleasures from my photo you can see me you cant squeeze me i aint easy, i aint sleazy is this whats supposed to be happening . Stephen yeah. Its just begun to happen baby. Okay. Stephen yeah. Stephen. Stephen yeah. I dont think my voice fits with your big stick. Stephen oh, okay, yeah, thats cool. Have a great have a great show. I should i should get i should go. What was that . Hey thats a great idea why dont we both dijerydoo. Are you down to double dijerydo . I guess. Stephen okay, great, awesome. But i dont have the dijery doo. Stephen oh, really . Whats that behind your ear . laughter here you go. Five, six, seven, 8. Its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, stephen welcomes Matthew BroderickAli Wentworth and musical guest fergie. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause colombia. Stephen hey hey, everybody hey, mark. How you doing, chris . cheers and applause jon hey stephen whats going on . Philosophical. Jon philosophical. Stephen hey, everybody welcome to the late show. I am Stephen Colbert. Happy friday what else is there to say . cheers and applause you all ready for the weekend . I am. I absolutely am. You guys you heard about this donald trump guy . Jon uhhuh, uhhuh, uhhuh. Stephen its crazy. He isnt even president yet, and donald trump is already saving jobs. For instance, he has done wonders for mine. laughter applause and yesterday cheers thank you not worth it, but thank you. Yesterday, trump was at the carrier air conditioning plant in indiana after saving 1,000 jobs from being shipped to mexico, sending a clear message to mexican workers if you want goodpaying factory jobs, youre going to have to come here and take it from an american and everyone he said he would do it. He did it. That was pretty impressive. I dont know how he did it. It happened. Everyone was surprised by this carrier deal. Even donald trump was surprised. And this is true, he didnt remember that he promised to do it. And they had a gentleman, worker, great guy, handsome guy, he was on, and it was like he didnt even know they were leaving. He said something to the effect, no, were not leaving because donald trump promised us that were not leaving. And i never thought i made that promise. And im saying to myself, man. And then they played my statement, and i said, carrier will never leave. But that was a euphenism. Jon oh oh stephen im not sure what a euphenism is. But im guessing its a euphemism for something. Point is, trump hadnt planned on doing this but then ended up doing it anyway, sort of like how he got elected president. laughter . Jon hey hey hey. Stephen it shocked him. And he did it what . What . Youre kidding it was a eufenism. So all trump has to do to save americas jobs is have one Vice President from every state. Of course, amongst all the good feelings, trump had a warning companies are not going to leave the United States anymore without consequences. Stephen yes carrier faced harsh consequences, like capitol hill 7 million in tax breaks. So watch out, isis. Knock off the nonsense or youre going to get pajamagrammed. And ever since trump got elected, theres been a lot of attention on whats called the altright news blog. Breitbart do the im not sure. Breitbart. White, which used to be run by trumps chief strategist, steve bannon. Critics say the site is a hotbed of racist, sexist and antisemitic views while supporters say exactly the same thing. laughter well, after getting a lot of backlash, kelloggs has announced they are pulling their ads from breitbart because it didnt align with the company values. Really is there the maker of frosted flakes doesnt agree with breitbart . You think theyd love a bright orange cartoon who promises to make the country grrrrrreat cheers and applause jon play it, tommy play it, Tommy Stephen in response to kelloggs pulling ads, breitbart said they were sorry to see a valued advertiser go and would work to try to repair the relationship in the future. Just kidding they actually published this article title, dump kelloggs breakfast brand blacklists breitbart, declares hate for 45,000,000 readers and went on to say if you serve kelloggs products to your family, you are serving up bigotry at your breakfast table. Bigotry . Come on. Cereal is not bigotry. Other than, obviously, lucky charms. That leprechaun is magically offensive that trick rabbits weird, too. Keep him away from the kids. Heres some happy news. Someone committed a crime and got away with it. I have to admit, im kind of excited about this story. Theres a guy here in manhattan who stole a bucket full of gold flakes worth 1. 6 million off a truck. I dont know what gold flakes are. I assume Donald Trumps breakfast cereal . This guy just walked up to the back of an armored truck and took it. It was the perfect crime, except for the dozens of cameras that filmed him doing it. Here he is checking out the back of the truck. Then he just grabs an 86pound bucket of gold run, bucket man, run i like to imagine his oceans 11style heist plan first, i assemble a crack team muscle, brains, chinese acrobat. Heres the plan im going to walk up to the bucket and take it, and then im going to have it. laughter all right, shoot some holes in that shoot some holes in that somebody get me some Julia Roberts. Thats how you get Julia Roberts like this. snaps fingers thing is, this happened on september 29, and they still havent caught the bucketofgold thief. Im no detective, but have they checked the end of a rainbow . laughter applause weve got a great show for you tonight. Matthew broderick is here and when we come back, we have an Important Message from a furry hat. Stick around. Wishes do come tru. The lincoln wish list sales event is on. Get exceptional offers on the lincoln family of luxury vehicles. Sign and drive off in a new 2017 lincoln mkc with zero down and a complimentary first months payment. hi. How can i help . Holy night sleep in heavenly peace sleep in heavenly peace i feel good i feel good i feel good today oh, so good today cheers and applause stephen welcome back. Were all feeling good today. Say hi to jon batiste and the band, everybody. cheers and applause hey, you know, before the commercial break we were talking about that that crump guy . Jon yeah, yeah. Stephen more on that guy. I dont know whats going on with that guy. I dont know. One of the reasons i dont know about him is he doesnt talk to the press. Instead, he just tweets directly at them, like, if cuba is unwilling to make a better deal for the cuban people, the cuban American People and the u. S. As a whole, i will terminate deal. Deal bad trump smash deal trumps going to do all his Foreign Policy via social media. Stop manipulating your currency, china, or he will swipe left. And the twitter presidency is perfectly fine with the only member of the press trump does get an interview with trump, this guy. Stephen yeah, if something bad happens, theyll just tweet it motorcade crashed in ditch. Losing consciousness. Sad. laughter fine, fine. It will be fortune. cheers and applause heres the thing. I think trump taking to twitter all the time is just the way to get around the press. The way a dictator would go out on his balcony to issue decrees to his adoring mazes below which is upsetting to me because democracy. Hes clearing ripping off my segment, big furry hat. And then my staff puts those things on twitter. Need proof hes ripping me off . Hes wearing a permanent furry hat. cheers and applause well, mister, listen up listen up two can play that game that two are already playing. So, mr. Trump, let me show you how its done. This is big furry hat cheers and applause stephen thats good right there. Thats good right there. laughter my people my people. Now that this head is upon mine head, any proclamations i now make are forever law. Let us begin. cheers and applause henceforth, the word carpool shall refer only to driving your car into a pool. laughter sharing a ride to work with other people is now called jobrelated morning aroma mingling. laughter applause its been its been 50 years. Its time we bake and eat the pillsbury doughboy. laughter applause there shall be an immediate ban on the manufacture of new coffee mugs. There are enough coffee mugs currently in existence. cheers and applause if you want a new coffee mug, go to a thrift store and take 20. laughter applause from now on, if its a throw pillow, im throwing it. laughter applause the phrase bowl eligible shall no longer apply to College Football teams, but rather to anything i feel like eating. laughter applause henceforth, eggplant must be named something less misleading, such as bitter purple trash fruit. laughter applause cheers from this moment forth, scientists shall drob everything and invent a drug as satisfying as peeling lint off the dryer filter. If you write if you write if you write hard to read something that far away. laughter if you write a thinkpiece about millennials, you forgo your right to computer help from a millennial. cheers and applause from now on, universal remotes must be truly universal. I want to turn on a tv on the moon. laughter applause from this day forward, eyelashes on a cartoon character do not signify female. Men also have eyelashes. laughter applause to make weather reports more accurate, the actual sun must wear sunglasses. laughter for the sake of honesty, instagram shall change its icon from a camera to a person sitting on a toilet looking at a phone, catching up on their friends vacations. laughter applause henceforth, instead of having to buy a case for my iphone, apple should just make phones that dont bleep break. The hat has spoken well be right back with Matthew Broderick. And the best deals are on the best network. both yes vo with no surprise overages, you can use your data worry free and even carry over the data you dont use. And right now get four lines and 20 gigs for only 40 per line. And, just for the holidays, get a Samsung Galaxy s7 edge for only 15 per month. No tradein required. I love you in that, no, i love you in that. No, i love you in that vo hurry, these offers end soon. Get the best deals and the best network, only on verizon. We and you know whatsomething forelse im thinking . R around. Lights some help. Got it and the ornaments might take a little bit more time. But were gonna get it just right. What do you think bullseye . [ bark ] ok, lets do this hey hows this look . Hmm . Whoa what do ya think . Its like you. Its like you read my mind is that coffee . Yea, its nespresso. I want in. Youre ready. Get ready to experience a cup above. Is that coffee . Nespresso. What else . Im not a customer, but im calling about that credit scorecard. Give it. Sure its free for everyone. Oh well thats nice and checking your score wont hurt your credit. Oh im so proud of you. Well thank you. Free at at discover. Com creditscorecard, even if youre not a customer. Stephen hey, everybody, welcome back to our broadcast already in progress. I knot some exciting news i dont know if you guys know this yet, but please join us next tuesday night because sitting in this chair right here is going to be Vice President joseph biden. cheers and applause friend of the show, great guy. Thats going to be fun. Hes always fun to have on. He always has word of wizz com, and well get some advice from uncle joe. Be there or be square. My first guest im very excited about, one of my favorite people to talk to. A twotime Tony Awardwinning actor known for his beloved roles in Ferris Buellers day off, election and the producers. Please welcome back to the show, the talented Matthew Broderick cheers and applause hi. How are you . Stephen nice to see you. Nice to see you, too. Very nice to see you. Stephen i like very casual, very underplayed. I described you as great when you came out here. And youre like, whatever. Ive heard it before. Stephen really . Yeah, but also ive discovered. Myself the more tense i am, the more calm i appear, which is a peculiar problem of mine. Stephen you look very calm right now. The calmer i look the more my you know, like that. Stephen your heart is hammering inside . Right now im about to pass out. Stephen i would never know. Are you an anxious person. Some yes. laughter . Stephen but youre beloved. Everybody loved Matthew Broderick. Dont you love Matthew Broderick . cheers and applause . Thank you, everybody. Stephen does that soothe you. Did a sign just say, act like you love him . Did a sign light up . Stephen yes, its right here. Listen, i think how a lot of people got to know you was 30 years ago because this is the 30th anniversary of Ferris Buellers day off. Yes. cheers and applause stephen i knowledge i knowledge because even my kids have watched it. Do people like jump up at you and go, hey, ferris they still do, yeah. Audience ferris see, it happens all the time. Ill be they will say, is this your day off . And i have to thank you. Thats a good one. laughter i cant think of what other fun ones ive heard. Stephen yeah. I cant think of any. Stephen when someone is walking at you, do you know which of your parts theyre going to, like, have known. You know. Can you sort of see them coming . Not i dont have that sense. Usually, its its ferris. But every now and then its, inspector gadget. I liked inspector gadget. Stephen really . Oh, lady hawk. Stephen didnt you have the bowl cut. I had the bowl cut. Stephen it was historically accurate, medieval times. Stephen like ferris bueller, it was historically accurate, the 19 eights. It was. Stephen people in my high school used to say, thats you. Ferris, thats you. Was that a compliment . Absolutely. I yeah. Stephen a troublemaker, a guy who ditches did you do that. Stephen i did it once. And what happened . Stephen i was bored. Because i didnt do it with a pretty girl and my troubled friend. He says that in the movie. He says the worst thing is if you dont plan because you cant just hang out with your friends so you end up home of sitting at home watching tv all day. Stephen thats exactly what i did. Did you ever ditch . I would miss a period or two, stroll in the high school i went to was on central park. Stephen was it an actor high school . Was this like an Art High School . It was very artie so you could sort of float out every now and then. laughter . Stephen just feel it, baby. I felt it, i went to the bark. Stephen if your character wants to study today did you really go to central park. I need it today. Stephen was this in the late 70s, early 80s . This was the 40s, stephen. Stephen and you your lovely wife, Sarah Jessica parker. cheers and applause i always love saying. I always love saying. She you guys are big supporters of. Hillary clinton. Right. cheers and applause stephen they dont know yet. Nobody is going to throw anything. Stephen dont tell them. No, she did not win, but you know, potato, potautoe. Donald trump is a native new yorker. Youre a native new yorker. Have you ever run into him . Have you spent time with mr. Trump . Yeah, i have walked by the building 20. Stephen but in all your years, youre a famous new yorker. Yeah. Stephen broadway star. You have to have seen him backstage or something. You would think, but i was thinking about that. I dont think ive ever met him. I dont think hes ever come to a show that i was in at all. Stephen really . I never have been no, because usually if somebody like that comes you kind of know it or comes back stage. Stephen hes loud youd know it. You were great. That didnt happen. laughter i always wanted that. Superb very, very funny. I dont have a donald trump impression. Stephen you do. You do have a donald trump. Its new. Im sorry to try it out here. I hadnt worked on it. Stephen this is good. Something i should do at home before coming on the show. Stephen not at all. Im improvising all of this. The writers write it down after the show is over. Now youve got youve got the new movie. You a couple of new movies. Manchester by the sea, and rules dont apply. The new Warren Beatty movie. Whats he like to work with . Hes an icon. A giant, a link to an earlier a golden age. Sorry. I need a tissue. It made me laugh. Yeah, he is a link to its just so formal. Stephen he is. There arent a lot of warren battalionies left. No, there arent. Theres only one and his name is Warren Beatty. Hes a wonderful director and amazing to meet him even and then to work with him and act with him. I have loved it. Ive loved him since forever and i stayed i ended up staying at his house, you know. Stephen i did not know. You stayed at his house. Yes. Stephen why did you stay at his house . Partly on save money on production in my opinion. But i was in new york and i was in the guest house just for rehearsal or something. And they were like, you can just stay for the whole shoot. I dont have a place in l. A. Stephen how long . Months. Stephen really . I lived in a Beautiful House just below Warren Beatty he could check on me. Stephen you were out late last night, broderick. And one night i actually dwe did a night shoot, and i came home very late, and i horr got the clicker in my car. I had switched cars and i can couldnt move i couldnt open the dpaet. So i was terrified. I pushed the bell thinking some somebody would answer, some worker, you know, or something. And i pushed it and Annette Bening is like, hello . Its matthew. Im sorery. Oh, no, no problem at all. Stephen youre like their teenaged son. Yes, and they have teenagers around the house, too. Stephen yeah, yeah. And i felt like, after that i was like, im sorry mrs. Ue know, sorry mrs. B that i buzzed the door late. And i tried to avoid her in the house and stuff, so embarrassed. Stephen we have to take a little break here, but can you stick around . I would love to. Stephen i have a great opportunity for you. I have several great opportunities for you. Oh,. Stephen youre all going