Featuring jon batiste and stay human and now its time for the late show with Stephen Colbert cheers and applause captioning sponsored by cbs band playing stephen hey thank you so much you look good, you look good. cheers and applause jon wow, i like the haircut you look so good stephen hey thank you so much cheers and applause thank you, ladies and gentlemen thank you up there, down there, everybody out there in the world welcome welcome to the late show thank you so much welcome to the late show, everybody im Stephen Colbert, and continued cheering and this is my summertime haircut. Thank you so much for being here. I i jon i like it stephen you like the new haircut . Jon yeah, i like that. Stephen its a little short, a little short. Im aerodynamic, for the rest of the summer. Okay, helps with the swimming. I went to the this weekend and i just went and got my haircut where my kids got their haircut. I just said, to hell with it, ill get in next. Got in a little boat, they gave me the game to play with. Barely cried for the whole thing. laughter but, its going to be a fantastic summer, unless you care about the election cheers and applause because this is crazy i dont know where to begin according to the washington post, abc news, Cheesecake Factory poll, voters favor donald trump over Hillary Clinton 46 to 44 . audience reacts but how do you feel about it . laughter okay, 46 to 44 . If you do the math, that only adds up to 90 . Because the final 10 just kept whispering kill me. laughter cheers and applause and then, Bernie Sanders burst out of their chest laughter thats not a real impression of Bernie Sanders. That doesnt really seem like him at all. Polls also show that trump and clinton are the two most unpopular likely president ial nominees in the history of the poll. At this point, any third candidate would be more likeable than these two. We could be looking at president bedbugwithamanbun. laughter i should have gone for that. I should have gone for the man bun. Jon you could pull that off. Stephen i could have done that. Thats a pretty good look. So clinton and trump are already attacking each other, which is going to make things really awkward when she attends his next wedding. laughter now this time, this time, this time i hope i get invited. This time, theyre attacking each other over guns. On friday, donald trump was endorsed by the National Rifle association, who said in a statement, guns now following laughter covers everything. Following this endorsement, trump gave a speech to the group, where he promised to do away with gunfree school zones. Hillary clinton expressed her outrage, then trump expressed his outrage at her outrage on fox and friends, clarifying his position once and for all. I dont want to have guns in classrooms, although, in some cases, teachers should have guns in classrooms, frankly. Stephen so, no guns in classrooms unless guns in classrooms. laughter settled i think we just heard Donald TrumpsEducation Plan kids will learn math by counting how many different positions he takes in one sentence. And the idea cheers and applause and the idea of Arming Teachers isnt new. A lot of people say teachers should have guns, or tasers, or some kind of weapon. Basically, anything except a living wage. cheers and applause so, trump doesnt think trump doesnt think guns should be allowed in classrooms, but does think teachers should have guns. Therefore, he thinks teachers should not be allowed in classrooms . laughter i can only it has to be what it means, you know. Jon Something Like that. Stephen come to think of it, we should have seen this coming. I love the poorly educated. cheers and applause stephen ha, ha theres a good chance hes going to be president laughter now, in other unexplainable news, it was Just Announced that theyre going to make a movie based on the video game tetris. That is true, that is true. Now, if youre not familiar with tetris, imagine different shaped blocks, and thats it. laughter and get this, the tetris film may be part of a trilogy. Which is good news itll give them a chance to deal with all those unanswered questions, like why . And seriously, why . But ive got to say, i was curious how they would add drama to slowlymoving multicolored blocks, so we here at the late show have secured an exclusive live clip from the upcoming tetris movie. Take a look. I dont care what our families say, we belong together. Make love to me, now tetris theme oh. Oh god thats nice. Im going to go like this oh my god all right, come on, all right, all right. Oh, yes, yes, yes take me to tetristown oh, yes, thats good daddy like daddy like oh, yes keep going yes, keep going cheers and applause stephen thank you. cheers and applause it was like fifty shapes of grey. laughter but you know what . Say hi to john batiste and stay human, everybody. band playing cheers and applause stephen you know, i think i would watch that movie. And man, ive got to tell you, ive said this here and on other shows. Man, i am worried about print media. Seems like these days we lose one National Publishing treasure after another. Gourmet magazine is gone. Details is gone. Other magazines are scaling back and cutting corners. Rolling stone has gotten so shrunken and thin that it was mistaken for one of the actual rolling stones. laughter and now, the unthinkable has happened victorias secret has killed off its famous catalogue what what audience reacts no i was almost done browsing they made the decision after they eliminated the catalog in two significant markets for a year and didnt see any meaningful change in sales. Well, obviously, if the catalogues not boosting sales, you get rid of it, right . Come here you idiots cheers and applause dont you see dont you see it was never about sales it was about. You know exactly what it was about they have done these women did nothing to deserve this they are angels or maybe, sexualized geese . Its hard to tell sometimes. Eliminating the victorias secret catalog is just plain unamerican. This is true because porn is banned, every sailor on u. S. Aircraft carriers receives a victorias secret catalogue. And it aint to buy a macrame crop top. What are the sailors going to look at now, the Restoration Hardware catalog . Although ive got to say, i like the figure on those vintage hourglasses. laughter i doubt id last an hour. Okay. Doesnt mean anything. That means nothing. laughter legally, legally, i need to inform you that that joke meant nothing. laughter clearly, this is going to be tough on the sailors. And this wednesday marks the start of fleet week here in new york city. So i am going to show my support by leaving all my old victorias secret catalogs outside the studio on 53rd street for any sailor to take for free. Theyll be in a Cardboard Box that, years ago, i labeled hannukah decorations. cheers and applause j. Crew catalogues pretty good too. Its not just fleet week, its also College Graduation season. Its the time of the year cheers and applause dont know what youre clapping for. The time of year when the highly educated think to themselves, which side does the little tassely thing go on . Universities everywhere are prepping for the big day mowing the lawns, quadding the quads, covering the confederate statues. So far, graduates have already heard commencement speeches from Cheryl Sandberg at berkeley, president obama at rutgers, and Linmanuel Miranda at the university of pennsylvania. Yeah, great speech. Unfortunately for the kids at penn, tickets to his speech are sold out until 2018. But theres one person the students havent heard from yet. A pillar of quiet dignity and strength, who everyone admires tony stark. But, tonys not real. So he asked me to do it. This is Stephen Colberts the late shows 2016 commencement speech. cheers and applause thank you. Students, the band, distinguished members of my audience. cheers and applause i have the honor of addressing you today, to share those Precious Pearls of wisdom i have stolen from the sea of experience. As you go forward into your lives and your careers, please, remember to be proactive. Dont wait for things to happen. Make them happen. If you want a certain job, go out there and kidnap the person whose job you want and assume their identity. Get their haircut. Learn their family members names. And never forget that you control your destiny. A full and satisfying life is made up of good choices. So choose to win the lottery. Your future is unlimited. Dont settle for less than the best. Unless youre 26 and not married and dont have the career of your dreams yet. Then just go with the first person you make eye contact with at the bar. Its not getting any better and lets face it, youre such a great catch . Come on. And take it from me your health is your greatest asset. If you have an open face wound, do not stick your head in an aquarium, because you will get an infection. I learned that one the hard way. Also, the easy way. Of course, none of this will mean anything without friends and family. No matter how busy life gets, always stay in touch with the people who matter to you. And also, meticulously catalogue the people who have wronged you for they will pay. They will pay. cheers and applause let your spirit soar dance like no one is watching, because you never know when youll get laid off and have to turn to adult dancing, and you dont want to work that pole selfconsciously. It cuts down on the tips. Get amazon prime. Twoday shipping, movies, photo storage, you cant go wrong. Remember that it is important to plan for the future. So, have your head cryogenically frozen when youre still young and attractive. Dont be afraid to take risks. For example, im going to tear up my speech and just speak off the cuff. cheers and applause soup. Floor. Person. Other part of floor. That reminds me, always bring a backup copy of your speech. 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Tell me something i dont know oh ohhh she slimed me. Which i probably shouldve seen coming. [ laughs ] band playing cheers and applause stephen you all know my first guest tonight as the mother of dragons on game of thrones. Starting next friday, you can see her in the mother of all love stories, me before you. You wouldnt have those breasts so near to me if i wasnt in a wheelchair. Yeah, well, you never would have been looking at these breasts if you hadnt been in a wheelchair. Of course i would. No, you wouldnt youd be busy looking at the lanky blondes, the ones you can smell with expense accounts from 40 paces, and anyway, i would have been over there, serving the drinks, one of the invisibles. Am i right . Yes, but, in my defense, i wasnt asked. laughter yup. You know something odd . You are pretty much the only thing that makes me want to get up in the morning. Stephen please welcome emilia clark band playing cheers and applause hi, hello cheers and applause stephen i really enjoyed our puppy time together. I enjoyed it, too. I really that was amazing. That was like a birthday present or something. Stephen one of my favorite things was, you have beautiful shoes on right now. Yeah stephen and god knows what those things cost. Neither do i. I still have the nick, from stephen oh, the puppies actually tore into your flesh yeah, they went, like, right into it, rawr. Stephen thats incredible. But they were chewing on those shoes. And, i couldnt, i dont think weve even got the budget to replace those shoes. laughter neither do i. Stephen if the puppies chewed through those. Yes, no, thankfully, theyre okay. The stylist isnt watching, i hope. Stephen well, congratulations on the new movie, me before you. Thank you so much. Stephen im not sure if im totally prepped for it because i understand its like an eight hankie movie, right . Yeah, at least. Maybe for you, like ten, maybe. Stephen really . Yes. Stephen because im water works, baby. At t commercial, and im, like, weeping. Well, you might need more than eight. Stephen well, let me wrap up into it by first asking you a game of thrones question. Okay. Stephen okay, you got very serious. Yes, i know. Okay, tell me. Stephen so, two weeks ago spoiler alert yes. Stephen two weeks ago, you brought the hurt to the cows by setting fire to all of them and theyre merging from the fire since youre fireproof yes, im fireproof. Stephen youre fireproof, your character is, daenerys. You emerged with all your clothes burned away and you could have used a body double but you decided not to use a body double. Well, no. Stephen was that important to you . Well, it just i mean, there is lots of reasons why a lot of actors would definitely use a body double, but for me, it was like, i did it before in season one and people like to talk about it, so i just wanted to come out and do an empowered scene which wasnt sexual. Stephen no, youre kicking ass. It was naked but it was strong. Stephen youre kicking ass. Exactly, yes. cheers and applause stephen youre kicking ass naked. Youre kicking ass naked. Yeah, im kicking ass naked. Stephen your character is a real badass now. If you can do it without any clothes, then youre a real bad ass. Stephen youre doing it without any clothes and without any dragons. Youre just doing it yeah, tell me about it stephen sisters doing it for herself, is what shes sisters doing it for herself, mmmhmm, yes. Stephen do you feel like a badass yourself . Do you have any of that in you yourself . Sometimes, yes. Sometimes, no. laughter stephen ive got to write that down. laughter one of the things i have to ask you about is that, there was a new character introduced last night on game of thrones. Mmhmm. Stephen and the new character is a penis. A penis on the show. Yeah. Mmhmm. Stephen about time, right . Yes, i think so. Well, i did it. Why cant the boys do it . Stephen thats nice. And it was, like, full on, right . Undercarriage and everything. I think they heard me. Stephen i think so, too. Total equality. Yes, yes, yeah. cheers and applause stephen yeah. There we go stephen i would like to see that emerge from a flaming tent. That would be fun. Well, yes, wouldnt we all . I think that would be a trick. Stephen so, when you walk down the street, do people, like, treat you like you are Daenerys Targaryen . No. No, no, no, no. Stephen people dont walk out of your way, like a queen . That would be wonderful, but no, no. Yeah, no, im basically not very recognizable without the wig. Stephen of course, thats it. Yes. So i look a bit different. Stephen exactly. Well, the eyebrows are a help. They are a help. They are a help. Stephen you have beautiful eyebrows. Thank you so much. That was the beautiful thing about me before you was i was free of the wig for a minute and i was able to kind of be slightly more expressive with my eyebrows. Which i dont use as much youre like, where are you going with this . laughter stephen no can you wiggle your eyebrows, can you do any of this stuff . Yeah, i can. You can really do it, though. cheers and applause stephen wow, thats really good. Thats very nice. This is what we learn in drama school. Stephen exactly. Did you go to drama school . I did, yeah, yes. Stephen have you done shakespeare, have you done the classics, that sort of thing . Yes. I did all of that. But i was stephen did shakespeare, did all that stuff, yeah. I did it, but i didnt get to play juliet or the kind of, sort of ethereal characters. I got, like, the jewish grannies. laughter stephen seriously . Seriously stephen you did a jewish granny. Yeah, yeah. I work too hard all my years to be treated like dirt. I know, i know stephen youre very good with accents. Thank you. I threw my back out with that one, you know. Stephen im from the south southern accents are very south of america. Oh, youre from the south, okay. Stephen oh, you do a southern accent, too . Well, im about to do this movie right now, were all playin southerns, so im kind of in that accent right now. cheers and applause i mean, maybe this is real bad . applause stephen no, no, its good thank you where are you from . Stephen im from south carolina. Oh, south carolina, nice. Stephen yeah, thats very nice, yeah. I can see, like, a probably western, north carolina, eastern tennessee. Youre right there, youre in appalachia. Youre in appalachia. Appalachian mountains, thats right, mmmhmm. laughter stephen no, youre really good youre right in the youre right in there yeah, sure, you get in the pickup truck with me, well go. Sure thing sure thing stephen in me before you, who goes before the other person . Whos the me and whos the you . laughter whos the me and whos the you . Well, i think its whoever youre interviewing, really. If you ask me, im like, its me before sam and sam claflin plays will traynor in the movie. And if it was sam sitting here, he would probably say it was the other way around.