Captioning sponsored by cbs thank you, sir cheers and applause hey, everybody cheers and applause welcome to the late show. What a beautiful night. What a lovely crowd cheers and applause thank you please. Thank you so much. Hey, everybody welcome to the late show. Im so glad youre here. Im stephen colbert, your host for the late show tonight. Have you guys been watching this sitin in the house of representatives . cheers and applause pretty dramatic. It is so rare that congress does anything interesting. laughter doesnt it feel that way . Wait, wait, whats going on i cant remember anything in my adult life happening that i said, oh, thats different than exactly what youd expect of congress. laughter is that a shred of courage i see . cheers and applause i see something in there. So i want to take a moment to Say Something i never thought i would thank you congress for sitting on your ass. laughter cheers and applause stephen after the protest began, paul ryan declared a recess and cut off cspans live feed. audience booing now, personally, i dont want to live in a world where paul ryan decides whats on tv. applause im guessing it would just be p90x infomercials and top gun. 24 hours a day. applause danger zone i can see him as a tom cruise, yeah. But the whole thing backfired on republicans when the democrats used periscope, which gave the sitin a lofi, guerillastyle that felt like something was happening. Its pretty grainy, but to be fair, most congressmen are so old that they shot that footage on rotary phones. laughter cheers and applause but again, it felt exciting. Heres an example. I di did you not, when he heard about this, my teenage son said, lets go watch cspan i hope hes not on drugs. laughter and he wasnt alone, cspan saw an 800 increase in ratings last night. 800 cheers and applause thats means like 800 people were watching. laughter things really got crazy. Paul ryan came back to the house to attempt to regain control of the chamber. House will be in order. The chair wishes to make an announcement regarding the decorum in the house chamber. Stephen and once again, john boehner goes to bed, secure in the knowledge that he made the right decision. applause byebye byebye, good luck good luck, suckers laughter and some republicans got really mad. In fact, on twitter, North Carolina congressman mark walker attacked john lewis, tweeting calling this a sitin is a disgrace to woolworths. Keep in mind, john lewis led woolworth lunch counter sitins during the civil rights movement. In the 1960s. And this guys lecturing him on what is or is not a sitin. Im not surprised mark walker didnt join the sitin. With balls that big, sitting must be painful. applause laughter keep those separated for a while. Oh, ive got some good news, donald trump has left the country. cheers and applause its normal for a president ial candidate to go overseas to meet World Leaders and brush up on foreign policy. Which is why today trump went to scotland to promote a golf course. laughter thats understandable. They have to model the clowns mouth off someone. applause now, some people think this trip is an unnecessary distraction from the election. As one political strategist said, everyone knows this is the wrong thing for the nominee to be doing now, and it is amazing this cant be stopped. Then again, it is amazing this cant be stopped is Trumps Campaign slogan. cheers and applause hes got a lot of campaign slogans. Who here loves ticketmaster . cheering that surprises me. Youre very generous with your love. Youre very nice people. Well, ticketmaster is settling a Class Action Lawsuit for overcharging customers. As part of the settlement, theyre giving out 5 million in free concert tickets. Obviously, minus a 3. 5 million processing fee. Heres the thing anyone is eligible if they used ticketmaster between 1999 and 2013, so youre included, whether you saw smashmouth in their prime at the Staples Center or just a few years later in the parking lot of a staples. Somebody once told me i love smashmouth cheers and applause theyre fantastic so what theyre doing is giving out free tickets to other concerts as part of the settlement. Sounds great, right . Heres the catch ticketmaster just unveiled the list of available concerts and its a whos who of. Definitely not the who. laughter some of the concerts theyre offering in new york city include a black sabbath cover band, a Rolling Stones cover band and a guns and roses cover band. laughter what gives ticketmaster . If i want to see a lame guns n roses cover band, ill go see guns n roses cheers and applause oh singing laughter im guessing other available shows include the original kings of yodeling, gregs dads band. Who is greg . Youve got to go to find out. Weird al yankovic cover artist, absurd philip moscowitz. Usher, not the artist usher, just an usher. Polypalooza, a three day festival featuring the most exciting colon polyps. And, of course, smashmouth. Somebody once told me no, thats all we can do. applause jon do your thing do your thing there is a euro cup soccer tournament. Yesterday the tiniest nation in the tournament, iceland, scored cheers and applause really . Are there people from iceland here . Ladies and gentlemen, bork is here tonight. Iceland scored a deep overtime, tiebreaking goal to beat austria. And if you dont think thats a big deal, then youre not the icelandic commentator who was calling the game. hysterical cheers and applause stephen dont worry hes not being torn apart by wolves. laughter thats happiness congratulations, iceland. Congratulations cheers and applause please who knew . Who knew . Have some fermented yogurt on me. I think cbs should immediately hire this guy to do sports commentary. Wouldnt this be great . Ahhh Ahhh Ahhh Ahhh stephen yeah now say hi to jon batiste and stay human, everybody cheers and applause stephen awesome cheers and applause thank you very much. Thank you very much. As you know, a regular feature on this show is something called midnight confessions, where i share with you things that i do that i feel bad about. And i recently invited you, my viewers to tweet me your own confessions at colbertlateshow with the hashtag late show confessions. And after reading your most personal and intimate thoughts, i just want to say you made me feel better about myself. And tonight, im going to confess to you the things you confessed to me. This is Stephen Colberts midnight confessions. Twitter edition. cheers and applause laughter stephen now, for the record, im not sure any of these are technically sins. Im not even the one who did them. But as a catholic, i still feel guilty. And youre the person im confessing to, okay . This is a secret. You wont tell anybody, will ya . Audience no stephen great, ill be right back. organ music actually, the person who actually confessed it, ill put their twitter handle down here when i do their confession but i will be saying it like i did it. Okay . All right. All right. Forgive me audience. I get pleasure from finding vegan recipes and then adding meat when i cook them. laughter audience, sometimes i say im going to feed the birds at the park, but really im just going there to eat an entire bag of wonder bread. laughter sometimes i walk my dog at night and just pretend to pick up his poop. laughter when i say i already have other plans set in stone, what i really mean is that i plan to go get stoned. laughter sometimes i eat Jimmy Fallons ice cream while i watch Stephen Colberts show. laughter cheers and applause laughter i just got a fair amount of jimmy falons ice cream on my suit. laughter when i return to my car and theres time left on the meter, i listen to music instead of letting somebody else have it. laughter applause forgive me audience because sometimes i think to myself i know youre listening just in case someone can read my mind. laughter i park my car between two trucks in the parking lot so drivers think they found an open spot until the last moment. applause whenever my cats meow at me, i always answer, i know but its a lie. I dont know. I have purposely postponed teaching my son how to read a clock so that i can put him to bed any time i want. cheers and applause i have the keys to my boss car and, whenever i get mad at him, i take a break to go fart in it. laughter forgive them, audience. Audience we forgive them. Stephen thanks. Tweet me whatever you feel bad about with the hashtag late show confessions. Well be right back with Bernie Sanders. cheers and applause right now we need fighters to fight. End. And pancakes to eat. Dennys red, white and blue slam is here and so is Independence Day resurgence. Dennys. Welcome to americas diner. In theaters, june 24th at our Retirement Plan today. Not now im cleaning the oven yeah, im cleaning the gutters washing the dog washing the cat well im learning snapchamp chat. Chat changing the oil. vo its surprising what people would rather do than deal with retirement. Pressurewashing the. Roses. Aerating the lawn vo but with nationwide its no big deal. Okay, your Retirement Plan is all set. Nationwide . Awesome. Nice neighborhood. Nationwide is on your side never underestimate the power of energizer. Our longest lasting energizer max ever. For over 100 yearsaking like kraft has,al cheese you learn a lot about peoples tastes. Honey, what do you want for dinner tonight . Oh whatever youre making. Triple cheddar stuffed sliders. Sold what if you get a mortgage on your phone . We were thinking. Wouldnt more people buy homes . And wouldnt those people need to fill their homes with Household Goods . And wouldnt the makers of those goods have phones from which they could easily secure mortgages of their own . Further stoking demand as our tidal wave of ownership floods the country with new homeowners, who now must own other things. Anyway. Thats what we were thinking. From the crib to the ridehen and the clothes so you better let him know that if he mess up you gotta hit em up introducing new limearita splash the refreshing margarita in a bottle. cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody my first guest is tonight as of 4 01 eastern testimony still democratic candidate of the United States please welcome senator Bernie Sanders cheers and applause cheers and applause audience chanting Bernie Stephen wow cheers and applause have you gotten used to that yet . It sounds awfully good. Thank you very much cheers and applause stephen now, i was talking to you backstage before you came on and i understand youre giving a speech tonight here in new york city. Correct. Stephen have you finished writing the speech . No. I can use some help, stephen. Stephen all right. Well, lets go over some of the points of the speech. Is there anything youre going to announce in the speech that you may want to have some help phrasing . Yes. What were going to announce is that the struggle for social justice will continue. cheers and applause that we are going to come up with the strongest platform that the Democratic Party has ever seen. cheers and applause were with going to continue the fight to create an economy that works for all of us and not just the few on top. cheers and applause that the United States is going to join the rest of the industrialized world and guarantee healthcare to all people as a right cheers and applause youre doing good. Stephen i know. I understand. Got a few more. Stephen these, i hate to say, they all sound good. I have heard these before. Well, youre going to hear them again, and were going to make public colleges and universities tuitionfree you got it . Free stephen all right, all right. Is there anything you might be saying tonight about the status of your campaign that i would want to talk to you about now and felt cheated if i didnt get to ask you about because you said it after the show was over . In other words, are you continuing your campaign after tonight . Absolutely. cheers and applause stephen are you still a candidate . Yes. Stephen are you going to drop out of the race . No. Stephen youre not . No. I tell you why. Im very good at arithmetic. Wasnt much of a student but im pretty good in arithmetic. I understand that secretary clinton has a lot more or we have 1900 delegates going to philadelphia for the convention, thats pretty good. She has more, which is not so good for me. Its good for her. But 1900 delegates is actually quite a lot of people and what were doing now is marshaling our resources to make sure that, a, we defeat donald trump and we defeat him badly. cheers and applause stephen you know hes out of the country right now. Hes out of the country right now. Hes in scotland. Checking on his golf courses . Is that what it is . laughter stephen yeah, mmhmm. And most importantly, campaigns are about winning and losing nominations, but whats more important is the need to transform america. Ive said since day one, we need a political revolution. All of you and everybody else watching have got to be involved in the political process, have got to stand up and fight for the kind of america we know we can become. And im never going to give up on that fight. cheers and applause stephen are you going to endorse secretary clinton this evening . No. Stephen okay. Are you holding out for something . What is it you want . John edwards wouldnt endorse anybody in 2008 until somebody gave him a jet ski. laughter what is it youre looking for . Good. Thats a fair question and thats what politics is about. Look, we got 12 million votes during our campaign. We received, i believe, every single primary and caucus the lions share of young people, people under 45 years of age who are prepared to stand up and fight for real change in this country. Thats what we are bringing in to the democratic convention. What do we want in return . We want our 12 million supporters to be heard applause stephen whats your proof of that . Whats the proof of that for you . Well, the proof is, right now, to be honest with you, our campaign is talking to secretary clinton and her campaign, and what we are trying to do is make certain that she is going to come out very strongly in moving toward making public colleges and universities tuitionfree. I want to see her move in that direction. Stephen is this a friendly conversation . Yeah, it is. Look well, its friendly laughter i mean, secretary clinton ive known for 25 years and i agree that trump has to be defeated. Stephen some people felt like the fix was in for secretary clint up. Donald trump says, rotten system, fix was in, bernie got cheated, bernie supporters come vote for trump. Would you like to say anything to your supporters about whether they should vote for trump . I dont have to say that. My supporters are smart enough to know that we do not want a bigot to become president of the United States. cheers and applause stephen all right. Were going to take a little break here. We have to take a break here to kowtow to my corporate interests. But when we come back, well have more of Bernie Sanders. Stick around. cheers and applause hey, need fast heartburn relief . Try cool mint zantac. It releases a cooling sensation in your mouth and throat. Zantac works in as little as 30 minutes. Nexium can take 24 hours. Try cool mint zantac. No pill relieves heartburn faster. Out out get get get grrr did you find everything okay, sir . Whaaaaat . And youre talking to your doctor about your medication. This is humira. This is humira helping to relieve my pain and protect my joints from further damage. This is humira helping me go further. Humira works for many adults. It targets and helps to block a specific source of inflammation that contributes to ra symptoms. Doctors have been prescribing humira for over 13 years. Humira can lower your ability to fight infections, including tuberculosis. Serious, sometimes fatal infections and cancers, including lymphoma, have happened, as have blood, liver and nervous system problems, serious allergic reactions, and new or worsening heart failure. Before treatment, get tested for tb. Tell your doctor if youve been to areas where certain fungal infections are common, and if youve had tb, hepatitis b, are prone to infections, or have flulike symptoms or sores. Dont start humira if you have an infection. Ready for a new chapter . Talk to your rheumatologist. This is humira at work. Is this my car . Ck. State farm knows that for every one of those moments. What . This is ridiculous theres one of these. Sam, i gotta go. Is this my car . What . This is ridiculous this cant be happening this cant be happening oh, its happening sweetheart. Oh, its happening sweetheart. Shut up shut up thats why state farm is there, what a day. With car insurance, for when things go wrong. But also here with car loans, to help life go right. State farm. What a day okawhoa ady . [ explosion ] nothing should get in the way of the things you love. Get americas fastest internet. Only from xfinity. cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody were here with president ial candidate Bernie Sanders. You got fact checked in the commercial break. You said you got 12 million votes. Turns out 13 million votes cheers and applause stephen okay. Did you expect, as you said, you were negotiating with the Clinton Campaign right now to get something from them of your agenda before you endorse the secretary. Is there anything else . Do you narnia or anything like that . laughter get something good, bernie well, i have right now as good as it gets. Im the senator from the beautiful and great state of vermont. Cant do much better than that. applause stephen you went to the floor yesterday to join the sitin. What was it like down there . Seems like, at times, it seems like a drum circle. At times, it seems like chaos. Its really moving to see them take this action. Yes. Stephen whats it like on the floor and is there hostility to what is happening on the floor . Its almost embarrassing to have to explain it because its so crazy. We have republicans who apparently think its okay to keep people off airplanes for good reasons because they are possible terrorists. We all want to see that continue. Yet these very same people who cant get on a plane apparently can walk into a gun store and buy an ak47 which can be used to mow down people. It is so crazy we have to argue about having sane gun control legislation, keeping guns away from terrorists, that its almost embarrassing to have to explain