Transcripts For KYW The Late Show With Stephen Colbert 20160517

audience reacts it was a slow year at the Miss Universe pageant. And one final disclaimer this show will contain references to the fact that donald trump may become president. Captioning sponsored by cbs announcer tonight. Stephen welcomes Jason Sudeikis cheers and applause Michael Weatherly cheers and applause and megyn kelly featuring jon batiste and stay human cheers and applause now its time for the late show with Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen hey cheers and applause hey, everybody nice to see you up there and down here, everybody out there cheers and applause thanks so much, everybody thanks so much. Welcome to the late show. Im Stephen Colbert. Hows everybody doing . cheers and applause that is really crisp. Its may 16th, i hope everybody bundled up. It was 39 degrees in new york this morning. I nearly froze my maypole off. laughter i dont know whats happening. The weather has gone insane. All over the planet. Despite the fact that it was freezing here today, climate Scientists Say that april was the hottest month on record. It was so hot, donald trump tried to make out with it. laughter its a beautiful month. Aprils a total ten. Total ten. There were signs that Global Warming was getting worse for a long time. Back in february, instead of seeing his shadow, the groundhog burst into flames. Temperatures across the globe have been steadily climbing for the past 12 months. So if you were wondering if you should turn your jeans into cutoffs. No. Never do that. No reason. Doesnt look as good as you think. As i warned you at the top of the show, tonight we will be talking about Donald Trumps mouth. You see, yesterdays New York Times had a 5,000 word story with a front page headline crossing the line trumps private conduct with women, and the times emailed a news alert reading special report donald trump has repeatedly unnerved women in private encounters over 40 years. Unnerving women for 40 years . Hard to believe. That implies there were 29 years where he was not unnerving women. Im going to want a fact check. And listen to these bombshell revelations. According to a former miss usa contestant, when she met donald trump at the pageant he kissed me directly on the lips. I thought, oh my god, gross. laughter okay. But in fairness to mr. Trump, he was just trying to turn himself into a prince. Perfectly innocent. cheers and applause okay. All right. It goes on to detail how trump bragged about his sexual prowess, as well as his daughters hotness, and had a preoccupation with womens bodies. Which means trump could be the first president to appoint an actual federal bikini inspector. laughter heres the thing, New York Times im not saying that donald trump objectifying women for 40 years isnt a story. Its just been a story for 40 years. laughter this special report, not that special. Generally speaking, the banner headline on the front page is reserved for something surprising like in private, donald trump makes women comfortable. laughter applause no one saw that coming said one witness, kept eyes up here. laughter thats the big revelation. I look forward to more obvious headlines like pope is catholic, bear defecation discovered in woods, and beauty pageant owner objectifies women. laughter applause in actual news, did you see this footage from yesterdays game between the Toronto Blue Jays and Texas Rangers . cheers and applause okay. There was a huge fight between the teams. After a hard slide, texas second baseman rougned odor punched torontos Jose Bautista right in the face. Of course, since bautistas team is canadian, he immediately apologized for being punched in the face. Its a surprising amount of violence from baseball players, since their muscles tend to atrophy while waiting for anything to happen. I tell you what, this shocks a lot of people, but this fight did not surprise me at all. Back in high school, every time i tried to get to second base, i got punched in the face. You know what . Hey, say hello to jon batiste and stay human, everybody. cheers and applause stephen oh, folks. You guys care about the 2016 election . I wouldnt be surprised. I care about it a lot. You live in this country . Jon yeah. Stephen will be good to know whos calling the shots in the next four years. Heres some big news in the 2016 election people other than donald trump are running. cheers and applause Hillary Clinton is currently beating Bernie Sanders in every measurable category except how many people woo when you say their name. laughter check it out Bernie Sanders. crowd reacts cheers and applause Hillary Clinton. crowds lesser reaction stephen all right, not as big, but lets add in the superdelegates. Woo. Its perfectly legal. Check the rules. To close the enthusiasm gap, this weekend, secretary clinton unveiled her secret weapon to fix the economy. My husband, who im going to put in charge of revitalizing the economy because, you know, he knows how to do it. Stephen yes, her husband will revitalize the economy. Now we know who the arrow on clintons logo is pointing at. Im back. Hearings whathey, whats up . I still got it. cheers and applause i still got it. Anybody want it . Things were pretty good under bill. Just imagine if we could bring back the 90s. Together, bill and hillary will fight to get America Online with a vision as clear as crystal pepsi. Our economy will wake from its napster, take off like a white bronco, as they cut our taxes like lorena bobbit, and crush our enemies like Nancy Kerrigans knees. applause stephen mmhmm. So pay no attention to the spin doctors and their yada yada the clintons will doubledare to be our friends because family matters, and together, they will lead us into the next willenium. cheers and applause with announcements like this, hilarys campaign might just be saved by the bill, as long as he never has to say oops, i did it again. laughter of course, there was another big vote this weekend eurovision. Thank you, europeans. cheers and applause eurovision is a noholdsbarred musical throwdown where European Countries compete to see who can write the best pop song. Its the biggest europewide contest since the 14th centurys so you think you can black plague. laughter no one won that one. laughter the countries are judged on the performance of their signature song. Its called eurovision euro, meaning europe and vision, meaning sound. laughter i imagine why it would be called that. For europeans, this is the biggest media event every year. And this weekend, for the first time in its 60year history, eurovision was broadcast in america. So we finally saw amazing acts like these singing cheers and applause stephen wow, their Westminster Dog Show is really different. laughter and this weekend, everything came to a head when jamala of ukraine won with her song, 1944. Are you ready to get down . and i mean really down, because the song is about stalins mass deportation of the Crimean Tatars during world war ii. When strangers are coming, they come to your house they kill you all, and say were not guilty stephen well, we found the song of the summer nothing pumps up the jam like ethnic cleansing laughter i want to congratulate jamala of ukraine and say, enjoy it while it lasts because lets face it the only reason you won eurovision is because america wasnt in it why cant we compete . Were the most european country in the world we invented the frappucino and the gstring. We eat way more pizza than italy, and were this close to electing benito mussolini. laughter cheers and applause and were ready for next years eurovision, because i already found the artist who will represent our country. Here now, singing americas official eurovision song the living life, translated from the original european, please welcome noornaaas cheers and applause who are you to say i cannot have the dreams that i want to dream today gonna take a miracle to steal this rain away i love living the living life reach out and touch the fantasy i love living the living life a beautiful starlight can make our dreams come real its time to break it up shooshoo lala babay shooshoo lala my girl shooshoo lala my tenderoni hold your breath as fast as you can clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap cmon i love living the living life come on and squeeze the ocean wave i love living the living life listen my dear tomorrow is always now stephen well be right back with Jason Sudeikis cheers and applause athe best things in the life are real. So we brew iced tea the way you brew it at home. For real, delicious, leafbrewed iced tea. Pure and simple. Pure leaf. For the love of leaves. 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Step right up. Hoot it okeydoke. Fire blast take that, porkers incoming baby she can shoot fire balls out of her butt. Stephen please welcome Jason Sudeikis cheers and applause snowhow are ya . Im well. cheers and applause i love what youve done with the place. Stephen i saw you pointing to jon. The old band. Stephen you have an interesting connection with the band which i found out right before the show tonight. That is true. Stephen do you want to share with the people . You and your lovely wife. We went to see them in concert last april. Beacon webster. Liv was nine months pregnant. It was a saturday night. Sometime between jon and stay humans show, she thought she peed, her pants. We found out it was a hind water leak. Her water broke but just on the inside. It wasnt like you see in the movies. It wasnt an emergency. No mops necessary. So basically, your guys band, you know this, but, you know, thats what otis a little guy was dancing in the womb, and we would go to all the concerts, but it wasnt until you guys got him to moving those little elbows of his, broke the sack and was born the next night, 24 hours later. cheers and applause stephen that would be a great name for your next album break the sack. At least an e. P. Stephen yeah. Besides you connected to the band, we have a connection. Sure. Stephen we came up in the chicago improv scene. You were in second city after i was. But i saw your group, you and correll and amy. Stephen and paul. Yeah, and when you were in second city, which is an amazing Theater Company out of chicago you get to do, in the touring company, old archive scenes. Stephen they tour him around the the country. Colleges, bar mitzvahs. Stephen dan akroyd stuff. And i played stephen did you play me . I played parts that you played. Stephen wow. How challenges. It really is. A tremendous range. You can sing. Stephen what the hell is funny about this . No, because we got to watch the tapes stephen thats right. O if the writer isnt funny, you always are. You know what i mean . cheers and applause thats the truth you know what i mean . Stephen i have an enormous affection for you right now. I dont know why. It catch us up to mine, finally. Stephen can i talk about abt the angry birds movie for a second . The angry birds people sent this over. Its a happy go lucky island and im an outsider, sean penn plays terrence. Stephen youre acting with sean penn. Exactly. Not really, but yeah. Stephen its animation. Are you ever in a room with him when youre making the movie . No, never. Maybe by his design, it might have been a clause of his. The crazy thing, i ran into him around january, shooting last man on earth with will forte in malibu. This was after the el chapo thing happened. I went over and shook his hand. I said, we were in a movie together. The two of us complaining, like, its really hard to breathe and pretend youre running around inside a little tiny booth. Next thing you know, he sees something over my shoulder, says, all right, im out of here, puts the thing, bolts away, goes into the restaurant. He thought it was paparazzi. I saw a car follow him that had sirens and i think it was the feds following him because to have the el chapo thing. Stephen might be putting a bag over his head and i dont know, i got nervous. I was, like, okay, im meeting up with sean penn in the middle of nowhere in malibu, having a quick conversation, the police see us and he bolts. Im running around with our little guy otis, and im, like, this might end up being bad. Nothing came of it. Not as of yet. Stephen if you do get arrested, let us know. You get one phone call, right . Right. You dont mind. Stephen that would be fantastic. Are you kidding . If you were, like, underneath a belarus disco, they take you, and you say, can i call colbert . This will work. Would you get me . Stephen i would is it a powerful person to help you. Thats all im asking. Stephen i will halo jump in. Well take back with more sudeikis, everybody. cheers and applause to those who dont run from mud. But through it. Who know it wasnt a day at the beach. Unless someone got buried. To the fullbacks. Gearheads. And those with green thumbs. To the sticky. The stinky. Even those who get a little icky. To all the beautiful mess makers, keep it up. With delta in2ition plus h2okinetic, you can. See what delta can do. Introducing new mist twst soda popped with juice. Its a crisp, refreshing twist on lemon lime. Insist on the twist. The strength test. Like leather, skin is stronger when its hydrated. Thats why dove men care bodywash has a unique hydrating formula to leave skin healthier and stronger. Man, im glaaflac c pays cash. Isnt Major Medical enough . 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Stephen we improvise an entire interview about a project of yours totally made up. Heres how it works. Brendan, wave. Say hi. Brendans down here. Has a seizure of things hell give us. Fully clothed. Stephen if you call a gstring fully clothed. I do. laughter stephen hell hand me a series of things, books, movie clips, things celebrities talk about all the time. We dont know what any of them is or about, and then well promote the hell out of whatever projects these are. Ready . Like a ripe avenue this is the late show interview pit. Please welcome Jason Sudeikis. cheers and applause good to see you. So good to see you. Good to be seen. Stephen so excited about the angry birds. So many things going on. You have another movie project. That youd like to promote . Yeah. laughter its called. Jason sudeikis its pervert to nervert, erotic stunt man, based on a true story. Absolutely. Something that happened to me at the xxx games. Stephen fantastic. If you hate to see genital mutilation, i would not go see it. But its totally okay to listen to. Im excited about the sequel as well. Stephen oh. Yeah. Stephen cant wait. This i understand you win at the xxx games, but youre unmanned by getting your wienie. My wienie. Stephen your wienie caught in your dirt bike. You remember when everybody used to say show me the money . Stephen yeah. Its now, oh, no, not my wienie laughter applause stephen im so impressed. You also have a new book out called the smallest horse is king lessons from my life amongst the donkeys. You were in chile for many years living amongst the donkeys. Yes. Stephen donkess, they say. Yeah, i was a donkey dentist. Stephen so tragically overlooked. Yeah. Stephen and you have a foundation dedicated to donkey orthodontics, i understand. Donkeybraces. Org. Donkeydontia. Stephen lets put that up on the screen so we can raise some money for that. applause these donkeys, theyre eating anything. They eat cans, human bones. They dont give a flying figure. Stephen very few people know the human bone thing. People assume donkeys arent carnivores, but they are. They dont eat the meet. They only eat the bones. Stephen still. Thats why they call them jackasses laughter stephen im told there is a clip of pervert to nervert. Jim, please . You want me to set it up . noisy sound effects stephen wow. cheers and applause you cut it off before the catch fries, oh, no, not my wienie stephen you do your own stunts . I do. They cut them out. Hubris. Stephen did you actually lose your wienie making this movie . No, we took it off, someone held it in props. Stephen and put on a removable. Yes. Stephen forethawvment congratulations on the movie, the book and the wienie. Thank you. Stephen incredible. Really looking forward to it. cheers and applause stephen lets all say his catch phrase, one, two, three oh, no, not my wienie jason, good to see you. Likewise. Stephen congratulations. Fantastic. Find out why the birds are so angry. The ang anthe angry birds movien theaters this friday. Jason sudeikis. Well be right back. cheers and applause oh look creepy gloves for my feet. When i was a kid there was a handle. And a face. This is nice. Does it come in a california king . Getting roid rage. Hemorrhoid. These are the worst, right . Im gonna buy them. Boom. Ill take them. Impulse buy. Ommmmmmmmmmm. Presenting the American Express blue cash everyday card with cash back on purchases. Its all happening. And no annual fee. Here we go cash back on purchases. Backed by the service and security of American Express. Cash back on purchases. No way, its a chevy. Oh wow its the chevy memorial day sale. Time to get the crossover thats right for you. Trax, equinox, or traverse. Its very impressive. Its awesome. This is incredible. Itd be a good road trip car. The wifi is cool. Its fancy. I love it. Get more than you expect for less than you imagined during the chevy memorial day sale. Current qualified competitive lessees can get this chevy equinox lt for around 189 a month. Plus find your tag and get an additional 500 lease cash on select equinox vehicles in stock. What is freedom . Yes, its riding a horse across fields and stuff but its mostly getting to watch your directv with unlimited data from at t. Were setting families free. So they can stream away and not squabble over whos using how much. So go, family. Watch. Freedom. Seize the data get unlimited data when you have at t wireless and directv. Switch and get up to 650 credits, per line. cheers and applause stephen welcome back cheers and applause after 13 seasons, my next guest is saying goodbye to his role as special agent dinozzo on ncis. I cant stay here. We foe that. Ive got to go. We know. Get him a plane. Already booked. Plane leaves for tel aviv in 40 hours. Passes are in your inbox. What are you waiting for . Hey, go. Stephen please welcome Michael Weatherly cheers and applause stephen welcome. I liked your action run coming out here. We do a little running. You can tell ncis, its where i really bust out my comedy chops. Stephen you do a lot of action running. I wouldnt mind you teaching me later. I learned action running from lee majors. Stephen the 6 million man . Everybody loves lee majors. Out in hollywood, we live in sort of a commune together. Stephen you all know each other. We do. One day i was walking past the commissary and lee was whittling, and we got talking about the 6 million man, and its been really fun. Whats in here . Stephen lets find out. Oh, holy cow i think Dakota Johnson left this. Also tequila. Thank you very much stephen youre welcome. Congratulations. After 13 years, on ncis, the most popular drama in the world, 60 Million People a week can you walk down the street and everybody not go, its dinozzo thats my everywhere america accent, dinozzo i was in belgrade, former yugoslavia, my wife was from there and we were visiting her family. A kid was tailing me for about three blocks. He was pretty squirrely looking so i thought i could lose him. But he said, you Michael Weatherly . I said, yes. He said, im miroslav. He said, youre dinozzo from ncis. I said, yes, i am. He said, youre so old because in serbia, they just have season one. He said, im watching you and following you and youre so but youre fatter, too but i love you, dinozzo, i love you so much, but he gets old and fat, huh . I said, well, if you stick around long enough, hopefully, thats what happens. laughter stephen well, your last episode is coming up when . I dont know. We have this interview with trump. We go head to head with trump. Lets take him out. cheers and applause stephen megyn kelly is my next guest. We were fighting downstairs. Very lovely woman. Stephen you and megyn kelly were fighting . Im going to take her out. Stephen i wouldnt. Shes really tough. Yeah. Stephen so what happens . Can you tell me how we lose dinozzo . Should i be ready to cry or laugh when you need . Is it a forever moment . It feels like forfeit in the moment. Stephen yes. Is that good . God, it feels like this episode will never end i know. They said that 13 years ago because its pretty much been the same episode for 13 years. laughter stephen i disagree. I disagree. So i do leave i get to say wonderful goodbyes to people and, you know, i would say, if youre a sudafed person or whatever like some people like benadryl, or you can go straight for liquor, or in colorado stephen to prep to see your last scene, i should be on drugs . You should be some sort of chemical enhancement, just makes the journey better. You know, because i think the information youre going to have to take on in that family episode is so massive and i would also call work and say maybe arrange an excuse ahead of time because youre not going to work not after you watch ncis. First of all, youre going to watch it again. You will d. V. R. To square one and be up till midnight calling friends and the nyquil, you will be, like, i drank that whole thing . Emergency rooms will be flooded. Im predicting chaos in america, stephen. Stephen that actually may be tequila in that cup. cheers and applause michael, thank you so much for joining me. Its been wonderful. Stephen ncis finale airs right here tomorrow yieght on cbs. Michael weatherly, everybody kiss him goodbye. Thats right. cheers and applause at pure leaf, we know that the best things in the life are real. So we brew iced tea the way you brew it at home. For real, delicious, leafbrewed iced tea. Pure and simple. Pure leaf. For the love of leaves. Intelligent safety shield thetechnologies. Ns hey, you wanna go for a ride . So we enlisted some everyday experts. Im a firefighter. Im a nurse. With rear cross traffic alert, it worked blind spot warning. Whoa. And forward emergency braking that could stop your car for you. 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And now thru june 5th, save hundreds on an Adjustable Base when purchased with a tempurbreeze mattress. Ifor all the wrong reasons. Gical you may be muddling through allergies. Try zyrtec® for powerful allergy relief. And zyrtec® is different than claritin®. Because it starts working faster on the first day you take it. Try zyrtec®. Muddle no more®. Just how wet and sticky your current gel antiperspirant is. Now were going to show you how degree dry spray is different. Degree dry spray. Degree. It wont let you down. cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody my next guest is the host of the kelly on fox news and tomorrow night you can see her in her first primetime special ,Megyn Kelly Presents, on the fox network. Please welcome megyn kelly. cheers and applause hi. Stephen hi. Nice to see you again. Stephen last time i saw you, it was super bowl night. Were not live so if you just want to whats it like to be Live Television . Stephen you do live every night. I find it exhilarating. Before you start the show, its like when you turn into a superhero where you become your strongestself. Stephen whats your superpower, nailing donald trump . Tough questions. Stephen okay. Congratulations on the last year. I mean, its a huge year for you. Youre already a respected journalist but youve become a sort of cultural icon in the last year partly because of going head to head with donald trump. cheers and applause i dont know, i think cultural icon bears with it a lot of responsibility, like, you know, paparazzi is going to start following me and theyre going to be very, very bored. Stephen really . Now we see pictures of ourselves going to petco. laughter we lead far too bore ago life to bear that label. Stephen well, it was last august that you and mr. Trump had a difference of opinion as to whether you were asking fair questions. Yes, correct. Stephen now youre sitting down with him along with four other people, laverne cox, Michael Douglas and Robert Shapiro in Megyn Kelly Presents. Why did you want to talk to him . Thats obvious. I feel like a lot of people in the country wanted to see that sitdown. It had to happen at some point. Its been such a crazy year with him that ewe had to have at least one hearttoheart over what happened and then we can move on. Then i can have him back on the kelly files, and we can have debates like i have with all the others except Hillary Clinton. Im counting on you, hillary. Youre next. This was a chance for me to sit down, clear the air and what i wanted to talk to trump about is temperament and thats the theme of the interview you will see tomorrow night. Stephen his temperament as a leader. Yes, and with respect to women and with respect, to some extent, to yours truly. I have not wanted to make this about me, but i ask him about his conduct and about his responsibility, now that he has gotten so powerful. You know, i mean, he steps away from the oval office, which is something i raise with him, and whether he appreciates that and the effect his words have on forget me on large groups of people, you know, mexicans and muslims. When you have a microphone as big and powerful as trumps, whether you need to exercise more restraint, and ill leave it to the audience to figure out whether he gets that. Stephen we have a clip of him addressing that. Most kids between ages 6 and 16 have been bullied at some point in their lives. Were you ever bullied . No, i wasnt, but i have seen bullying. And bullying doesnt have to be just as a child. I know people are bullied when theyre 55 years old. Could happen when youre 45. It happens. But youve got to get over it, fight back, do whatever you have to do. I have been saying during in whole campaign im a counterpuncher. I respond. Sometimes i respond pretty strongly. In just about all cases, i have been responding to what they did to me. Stephen do you think thats true . Do you think that he only responds, he only counterpunches or does he start . I think its complicated because i think he thought coming after me was a counterpunch against me. I argue as journalists we are the counterpunches. The politicians get up there, make comments, offer their policies or characters to be assessed by the american people, then its our job to punch them a little bit. Were really the only thing that stands between them and the oval office, so we have to ask tough questions, which, in my own view, doesnt make us fair game for, you know, a year of personal insults, but stephen did his followers come after you, after the two of you were seen as adversaries . I mean, yes, there is no question its been a dark year in many ways, but theres also been a lot of silver linings. I think when youre tested like that, it shows you who you are and who your friends are and it was definitely brought my husband and me closer together. It hasnt been all bad. The outside world says, wow, you were on the cover of vanity fair. Yes, i was. I was in lots of magazines and including the cover of some even before donald trump. And let me just say this, i have worked for everything i have. My father died when i was 15 years old. I know you have a similar circumstance. I put myself through law school. I clawed my way up. I worked for nine years as a corporate attorney to pay off my debt. I got my own job paying 17,000 a year in journalism. I worked my way up to prime time fox news. I had the number two show in all of cable news, and then i had an august debate with donald trump. cheers and applause stephen well, im glad you said that. Im glad you said that because i would hate anyone to think that your success is related to his hostility toward you because you have all the success you have because of your work and youre here because of what you do, not because someone attacked her. I submit, too, it depends on how you handle those attacks. Perhaps some people would like to believe and trump said publicly he thinks hes responsible for my success. He thinks hes responsible for everything. For my salary, he said. laughter my goal this past year has been to conduct myself with dignity and like a professional, and im not perfect, but i think i can check those two boxes. cheers and applause stephen congratulations on the special and please come again. Lovely to see you. Thank you for having me. Stephen stephen Megyn Kelly Presents airs tomorrow night on the fox network. Well be right back. Stephen thats it for the late show. Tune in tomorrow when my guests will be anthony anderson, eugene levy and catherine ohara, and a musical performance by coldplay. Now stick around for james corden and his guest, dominic cooper. Goodnight cheers and applause captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org reggie are you ready to have some fun feel the love tonight its the late, late show ladies and gentlemen, all the way from