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[ cheers and applause ] >> all right. thank you. thank you. very kind of you. very kind of you. oh, this is fun. in england a man was caught swallowing a diamond ring at a jewelry store. and police waited three days for the ring to pass. the store owner said the diamond had three carats and four pieces of corn. say hello to dj cobra. [ cheers and applause ] we have a hot one for you tonight here at "comics unleashed." say hello to bob marley. clinton jackson. sue murphy. and jo koy. [ cheers and applause ] how are you doing, bob? >> i'm doing good. >> yeah? >> yeah, things are good. >> you're on the road a lot? >> i am a little bit. and it's tough. you can't just eat what you want to eat. you have to eat what's available. and so i'm always trying to stay in shape. you know what the worst thing is for me? pizza. do you guys like pizza? you ever get excited when you order a pizza? you ever have that moment you realize you're going to order a pizza and people go oh, this -- whoo! sometimes you cry a little bit. "i love you." well, my wife and i order pizza, the first thing i do is take off all my clothes. that way i don't have to answer the door when the pizza guy shows up. then i go and sit on my couch and wait for my pizza. from the time you hang up the phone to the time the pizza guy shows up the only conversation you have is where the hell is the pizza? do you know how bad that is? you know there's people starving to death all around the world? there's people in little villages waiting for a bag of flour to fall out of a helicopter. i'm sitting on the couch saying to myself, you know, this is ridiculous. it's almost like a drug raid. ding dong. they're here! hide the dog. >> you've got to try to stay in shape. but the road does that to you. >> it's hard to stay in shape on the road. now, you've been on the road with carlos mencia, right? >> yeah. >> on the road you know how especially when you're from l.a., you realize how much you miss mexicans. i was in wichita, kansas and the only two mexicans there were carlos and me. and i'm filipino.áe i miss these mexicans out here, man. the chinese food sucked in kansas. i was like, you guys need some mexicans. they would know chinese food. mexicans cook it. i was in kansas clicking my heels. we need some mexicans! >> get me back to l.a. >> get me to l.a. this is the thing about l.a. mexicans here, they walked out may 1st, walked out of their jobs, protested the borders, right? and i'm like how do you walk out of your job when you're not even from this country? you're not even supposed to be at work and you walked out. and here's the funny thing, byron. a million of them walked out. that brought a tear to my eye. because the traffic was empty. i was doing 85 on the 5 freeway at 5:00 in the afternoon. you was like, protest again! and i got into an accident. the guy i hit, i knew he had insurance. >> we'll take a break. we'll be right back. don't go away. >> find out how to be part of our studio audience. visit comicsunleashed.com. closed captioning brought to you by -- i had that dream again -- that i was on the icelandic game show. and everyone knows me for discounts, like safe driver and paperless billing. but nobody knows the box behind the discounts. oh, it's like my father always told me -- "put that down. that's expensive." of course i save people an average of nearly $600, but who's gonna save me? [ voice breaking ] and that's when i realized... i'm allergic to wasabi. well, i feel better. it's been five minutes. talk about progress. [ chuckles ] okay. talk about progress. 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"i don't remember." he's going like "i don't remember!" welcome back to "comics unleashed." do you like chinese food? >> i love chinese food. you know what i mean? everyone loves chinese food. it's just -- it's just we hate the service. right? you ever go to a chinese restaurant? those are the rudest waiters on earth. right? they dent even speak english and they're rude. you ever go toy achinese restaurant? they never welcome you in. oh, hello. they don't do that. right when you walk in, they yellow at you. "how many!" four. okay, you four, let's go, you come, let's go. >> yeah, you never understand what they're writing down. >> you never do. they just write in their own characters. all you understand is the price. $49.99. i didn't eat box box square triangle. what is that, a tree? i didn't eat a tree. >> i go to the same chinese restaurant all the time, order the same thing, and i swear, my bill is never the same. >> you know, no matter how rude the service is you never complain. you know why? because the food's out there in a matter of seconds. at a you when you say it it's on the table. they're like ninjas. they're like you ready to order? yes, can i get some kung 'p&÷pa chicken? >> do you like living in l.a.? >> yeah, i love living in l.a. but i wasn't going to stay here for a long time, but i'm never going to move again. >> no? >> no. i don't know if it's been a while for anyone since they've moved. because when you start out you don't think it's going to be bad. you think, okay,lúm i can move. you're standing in your kitchen, you've got a glass, you're wrapping the paper. it's cool. glass, paper, box. you finish it. you write "glasses" on it. then after a couple days of pack now you just have that open box you're just dragging from room to room. i don't know. you just write "crap i don't need." i don't know how i ended up with so much stuff. i know for a fact at one point in my life i owned a futon and a bong and i was happy. >> tell me about your family. >> my mom's filipino. so that's -- yeah. filipinos? if you don't know what a filipino looks like, they're asians that -- they look mexican, you know what i mean? but you can tell that they're not just by the way they pronounce their ps and their fs. like my mom can pronounce her ps and fs. just not at the right time. like at home every morning you're like josep, do you want breakpast? do you want breakpast? do you want me to participate you some prosted plakes? when i moved to l.a., you don't realize how crazy people are out here. you get the worst compliments when you move out here. they don't know how to give you a compliment. oh, you'rc' i love orange chicken. you're like, that's not a compliment. that's an insult. oh! >> we're going to take a break. we'll be right back. don't go&[cz away. >> to find out how to be part of our studio audience,óynúsit comicsunleashed.com. closed captioning brought to you by -- did you know pain is caused by aggravated nerves? new aspercreme® with lidocaine patch desensitizes aggravated nerves with no odor. aspercreme® with lidocaine patch. relieve the nerves. stop the pain. welcome back to "comics unleashed." >> i go on the road a lot. so whenever i get home, she has a stockpile, a list of stuff to- do, my wife. i spend every weekend at home depot. and i don't know if there's anybody here that works at home depot or not, but you need to have some more employees at home depot. it's ridiculous. there's three people that work at home depot in the whole united states. and i think they run from store to store as you need the help. that's why their apron's bright orange, because they're running down the freeway and they don't want to get clipped by a peterbilt. put the stuff away when you -- you ever wouk walk around the corner at home rf@depot? [ beeping ] there's a forklift coming at me with a house on it. an 85-year-old woman driving it. she's in training. zhpatch. look out. >> are you single? >> yes, byron. two of my old boyfriends are gay.z(k should i feel weird about that? >> yeah. >> it's like i'mígunike the gateway to homosexuality. >> how's your :oiçfamily? >> they're good. i just talked to my mom. i talk to my mom all the time. i'm the youngest and the only boy in the family. ho baby. >> it's good to be the king. >> i'll be the first one to admit being the youngest wasn't fair. my mother would yell at us when we would fight and make noise. i'm in there trying to rest. i work hard to support this ]. family. i'm not coming out. and that is not an idle threat! you too, baby. don't let them girls get you in trouble. okay? they real bad. you remember when you were a kid your mom would make medicine for you? and it always had alcohol in it for some reason? it's scary. but you know what's more frightening than that? my mother was from louisiana. so when she was making medicine it could have been medicine. or it could have been voodoo. now i'm standing in a circle of gunpowder holding up the catwy+ñ some of you don't even know what i'm talking about. chicken soup. chicken's foot. >> what are some of your pet peeves? >> you know how i said mexicans don't have insurance? okay. that was bad. but you know what they say about asian? >> what do they say about asians? >> we can't drive. to this day we still can't drive, right? we can drive. you got a car? did you hit a bunch of people on the way here in will you be hugging the steering wheel? we can bsñdrive. we build the best cars. you don't think we can drive them? p)q) at lexus is bragging about what hey8fñ1e? rack and pinion steering. 0 to 60 in 4.9 seconds. let's take it for a spin. oh, no, no, no. no way! >> growing up, did you have a large family in your house? >> no. i had a small family. just me and my sister, my mom. she made us do crazy stuff, though. my mom. she always put us in talent shows. my mom's got this thing called the magic mike. does anyone know what that is? it's karaoke. it's a microphone that has like 1,000 songs in it. it hooks up to any tv. my mom would press a number. next thing you know you're watching a football game and she's in the living room going "signed sealed delivers, i'm yours." i was behind her like dancing and stuff. like the filipino jacksonr6rq f man. and that's actually what i did. i did michael jackson. my mom always made me do michael jackson. i grew up like '85, '86, when michael was -- michael was the bomb, right? like these kids today, these ho michl did. michael was cool. michael would make up words in a song.$9] sugar dooda what? shum-on. and if he ran out of words he'd just be like a-ta-ta what? man in the mirror. you remember that? the first two verses. after you that don't know what michael was saying. ♪ remember that? ♪ a-ta mm ♪ i'm gonna make a change ♪ a-ta uh rqwñ >> we'll take a break. we'll be right back. don't go away.