At 8 00 7 00 central. Who knows . The next secretary of state could be you. [ laughter ] one of Donald Trumps potential attorney generals is reportedly already working on a plan to make muslims register with the government. Does anyone see a problem with that . Or do you nazi . [ cheers and applause ] Vice President joe biden and Vice President elect mike pence had lunch together this off, biden told the waiter it was their anniversary. [ laughter and applause ] according to a new poll, almost 60 of americans believe donald trump should compromise with democrats. Like, instead of a wall at the mexican border, maybe a beaded curtain . [ laughter ] [ applause ] a female astronaut is about to amazing. She is going to do it without a rocket ship. [ light laughter ] just take off with rage. The mayor of london said recently that if people based in the u. S. Want to escape Donald Trumps administration, quote, london is open. Said melania, taxi [ light laughter ] actress Carrie Fisher revealed in her new memoir that she and Harrison Ford had an affair while filming the original star wars. But then he went back to using his hand solo. [ audience ohs ] [ applause ] denver has become the first city in the u. S. To permit the use of marijuana in restaurants. So if you thought it was hard to remember the specials now [ light laughter ] i think like a halibut. [ light laughter ] [ light laughter ] and finally, according to a new study on migrating tree frogs wait im sorry. I could be wrong here but i think i smell some smoke and that can mean only one thing. Its time for ya burnt [ cheers and applause ] . . Seth welcome to the burn zone. Weve got a lot of topics to sizzle through but not a lot of time. Over here is the burner. Lets turn on the gas and load her up. [ sizzle ] woo first up, family touch football. Family touch football. You know whats fun . A contact sport featuring people of different ages and skill levels. Heres a final score prediction. Six torn hamstrings, three broken relationships and one decadesold family secret that wasnt meant to be screamed. Youre out of bounds. You were adopted. [ gasp ] [ laughter ] also cousin tyler is six and he doesnt have any front teeth. Stop making him say mississippi so many times. The kids a [ bleep ] sprinkler. Announcer side burn. Seth hey, family touch football. Blue 42. Ya burnt [ applause ] caramel apples. The perfect candy if you want to spend 10 minutes eating dessert and the rest of your life picking your teeth. But you know what they say, a caramel apple a day keeps the dentists kids in private school. [ light laughter ] and just because you put something on a stick doesnt make it fun. Dont believe me . Ask joan of arc. Announcer she burnt. [ audience ohs ] seth caramel apples, youre sticky, youre icky, and ya burnt. Christmas music. November is only half over. Can we slow down . Nat king cole you have the voice of an angel but i dont want to hear a peep out of you until december 18th. Announcer your chestnuts just got roasted. [ laughter ] seth hey, christmas music, i know youre trying to be joyful, but it comes off a little sarcastic when you hear its the most wonderful time of the year while you drag your screaming toddler through a target. Do you know what would be a good Christmas Song . I will survive. Christmas music, suck my bells, pardoning turkeys. Good news, were going to save one of you. Bad news, the other 50 million members of your species can go straight to hell, i. E. My belly. What happens to the pardoned turkey the next day . You send him off to a nice farm somewhere, where the survivors guilt just gobbles away at him . You know who i bet doesnt love the tradition of pardoning turkeys . Innocent people on death row. Oh, quiet down, the president is making a pardon. Oh, its just another [ bleep ] turkey. [ lit pardoning turkeys, pardon me, but ya burnt. [ applause ] ah, your parents house. You just finished thanksgiving dinner and now its dawning on you its not even friday and youre stuck here for three more days. How will we pass the time . I guess ill wrap myself in the worlds itchiest throw blanket and watch mississippi versus mississippi state. Oh, and you can change the channel if you can figure out which of the 8 different remote controls changes your parents tv. And dad, you turned my bedroom havent started a company yet. All i see is a dusty old compaq presario. Announcer it has intel inside. Seth yeah, you told me. Of course, if you really need to get out of the house you can always head to your favorite hometown bar. Aka the goatee museum. Hey great baseball caps, fellas. Im sure none of you are balding. Your parents house, just like that smell coming from the garage, ya burnt. [ cheers and applause ] thanksgiving table manners. Hey aunt judy, could you close your mouth for me . You dont have to chew them another 50 times. Also, you just got here and your blouse already has gravy on it. Did you stop at popeyes on the way over to thanksgiving dinner . Thanksgiving table manners ya burnt. [ applause ] uninvited plus ones. Why are you here . Were gonna argue enough about politics without the jill stein voter cousin amanda met at burning man. At least hes better than her date from last year, the parolee who carved the turkey and said, this is bringing back [ light laughter ] uninvited plus ones, ya burnt. The rolls oh, no oh, no, the rolls, oh, no oh, no, i forgot about the rolls. Oh, no rolls, ya burnt. [ cheers and applause ] this has been, ya burnt. Well be right back. Oh no, we wont be right back. Weve got a great show for you guys tonight. Should have explained it to me. We have a fantastic guest, from bad santa 2 kathy bates is here tonight. The fantastic kathy bates. [ cheers and applause ] she is the founder of punk band against me , and her new memoir tranny, an incredible read. Laura jane grace is here tonight. [ cheers and applause ] and then, im very excited about this, laura and against me are going to perform the track 333 from their latest album shape shift with me. Well be right back with kathy bates. [ cheers and applause ] . . . . . . . . How else do you think he gets around so fast . Youve always wanted during the winter event. Now lease the 2017 gla250 for 329 a month at your local mercedesbenz dealer. Mmm. Lets get you cleaned up, before mom gets home. Thatll work. Dentastix cleans. So you can get closer. Oh, lifesized dragon hand back scratcher. Oh, a raisin rehydrator. It turns them back into grapes. Wow, what an exhausting journey. Thats a good wedding present. Good call. Thank you. And thank you, lady blue. With the blue cash everyday card from american express, you get cash back on purchases with no annual fee. Oh, look at this. Disposable microphone for my uncle bobs 75th a one and done. Yes. Find your voice and then dispose of it. Its more than cash back. Its backed by the service and security of american express. I note the obvious differences in the human family. Some thrive on comedy. Ive sailed upon the seven seas and stopped in every land, ive seen the wonders of the world not yet one common man. I know ten thousand women called jane and mary jane, ive not seen any two who really were the same. Mirror twins are different while lying side by side. I note the obvious differences between each sort and type, but we are more alike, my friends, than we are unalike. We are more alike, my friends, than we are unalike. . . Where do you think youre going . . . Where do you think youre goinggoing, girl . . . . . . [ cheers and applause ] seth welcome back, everybody. Please give it up for the 8g band right over there, everyone. [ cheers and applause ] also, this is very exciting. We have our drummer tonights pulling double duty. Me . Atom willard is our guest drummer. Give it up for atom. [ cheers and applause ] and youre gonna see atom both behind the 8g drum kit and then later playing with the band. So were very excited about this. Also, for fans of the 8g band, you might have noticed recently that our fantastic guitarsit marnie stern has not been around. That is because she has been out doing something even more important, which is having a baby. Which she just did yesterday, so give it up, everybody, for marnie [ cheers and applause ] and her beautiful baby wyatt sternjohnson. And im very so happy. I dont know if you can tell, shes representing late night with her late night tshirt there. And because that is in everyones contract. [ laughter ] you guys, our first guest tonight is an Academy Awardwinning and emmywinning actress you know from films such as misery, primary colors, and about schmidt. You can see her in the latest season of the fx series American Horror story, and her new film bad santa 2 is in theaters november 23rd. Lets take a look. You see that . Ah, we still got it, kid. Yeah, i guess so. It was always supposed to be this way, william. You, me. Or i [ bleep ] it all up. But even when i was in the joint, i thought of it. And i always had a drink on your birthday. January third. Seventh. August fourth. [ laughter ] fourth . And august. Yeah. Well, [ bleep ]k. Seth please welcome to the show, kathy bates, everybody [ cheers and applause ] . . . . Seth welcome you here. I watch your show all the time. Seth well, thank you very much. Im a huge fan of yours, and this is very exciting for me because im a huge fan of the first bad santa film. Im thinking how can they outdo themselves the first time, and then they add kathy bates to the cast and that really is the answer right there. Thank you. Seth and you play willies mother. I do, sunny soke. And its sort of the like the moment when Sigourney Weaver sees the mother alien. Seth uhhuh, yeah. Yeah. Seth not a great mother. Not a great mother, no, no. Shes very shes foul mouthed. Biker chick. Seth yeah, i mean i think we had to bleep you three times in the clip. I know. No, i was thinking, i was backstage saying, oh, gee, can i say that now on tv . [ laughter ] i was like, nah, i dont think so. Seth but its kind of nice because we actually sort of see where billys character became billys character because you see a mother like this. Yes. Seth and in the scene we saw, thats you guys sort of getting drunk in a van together. That must have been a fun scene to shoot. Yeah, we loved it. We actually did one take with the pink dildo, which was a lot of fun, and you know. Poking fun to the nth degree, you know. Seth yeah. But we bonded, kind of, as a mother and a son, which we hadnt up to earlier in the movie. Seth and now i think the nice thing, too, is now whenever i see a pink dildo, ill think of christmas. [ laughter ] honey, if youre lucky, you might get one in your stocking. Seth thank you. [ applause ] seth mom, why is my stocking [ laughter ] do you know that happened to me once . Seth what happened . Oh, you want this is not the list of what we were supposed to talk about. Seth oh well please lets get off the list. This seems like a better list. So this was many years ago when i was dating kind of a rough guy. And so we were on our way to chicago and theres one of those stores where you can get the you know, the stuff. Seth yeah. And so we went to the hotel and i had it in my pocketbook and it went off. Seth okay. [ laughter ] we were in the elevator. [ laughter ] and there were like three or [ laughter ] and it was new, so i didnt know how to turn it off. Seth right, yeah. Yeah, that was something. [ laughter ] didnt think you were going to hear that today, did you . Seth no i this is so much better. Im wondering, like, if that happened, if im in the elevator, is my first thought, oh, no, theres technical difficulties on the elevator. No, it was a dildo gone awry. It really was. [ laughter and applause ] seth no, nobody panic. No, no. Seth nobody panic, it was just a dildo. It was one of them rabbits, you know, withea seth i love that im like, absolutely, yeah, yep, i know exactly what youre talking about. [ laughter ] i got a punch card, if i buy one more, the next ones free. [ laughter ] yeah, you do. Seth thats great. So now you cant remember what you were going to ask me. Seth well i was going to ask, did you were you a fan of the first bad santa . Oh absolutely, i loved it. You know, its one of those movies where, you know, you come in in the middle and you think, i got in. Lets watch until bernie mac throws that kid out of the you know. Much that when they asked me to do it, i said, where do i sign up . Seth and its really you know, billy bob was here last night and its become like an actual holiday classic that people, i feel like, you know, watch with children that probably shouldnt be watching it. Oh i hope not. Seth oh, no, i think a lot of kids accidentally see that movie way too young. Oh, you do . Seth i do, but i think thats okay because we live in a world now where the faster you learn [ bleep ], the better. [ laughter ] no need to no need to be loose with it. Also, congratulations. This is is this your Fourth Season on American Horror story . Seth this must be such a great [ cheers and applause ] its been great. Seth and again it seems like when you work with great actors or a great show creator like that has, it must always be exciting, but for you guys, the fact that you change every year. As an actor it must be great to just have a completely different role. Its great, its great. I remember when we were doing hotel and stefani i call her stefani, lady gaga i turned around to do a scene with her and then there was this dude with blue glasses on sniffing me then i went, oh, thats finn. Thats finn wittrock. Because you dont see people getting ready for the show so seth that must be really cool. Its a blast, you know. And each season is so different. Seth and here is your look this year, which is just fantastic. Yeah [ audience oohs ] seth thats full full really creepy. Yeah, the butcher. Seth the butcher. And you have like a when you create an accent like you have this year, because its a very memorable accent, is that something you have to work a long time on or do you just kind of stumble upon and go, no, this is her. Liz himselstein, who is a brilliant dialect coach. Seth oh, wow. Yeah, we studied the guy on the witch, the movie the witch. We loved the guy that was the father so theres a yorkshire dialect so we worked really hard on that. Seth thats great. Thats nice. [ in yorkshire accent ] seth meyers, you must come and smell the blood. Seth yeah. And consecrate the land. Seth yeah, no, thats very unsettling. [ laughter ] now tell me in that voice that you got me a pink dildo for christmas. [ laughter ] okay. Give you a pink dildo for christmas. [ laughter and applause ] crazy, crazy, crazy. Seth now, i feel a lot of us were first introduced to you in the film misery, which was again, a fantastic film. [ cheers and applause ] you were terrifying in that role. Thank you, thank you. Seth and i have heard tell that men will still, because of what you did to james caans ankles when sometimes guys will grab their ankles when they see you. Ea to say to them, yeah . Yeah, its really boring. Seth yeah. Im over it. Seth youre over it. Im glad youre sitting back behind that desk though, arent you . Seth yeah, i am. [ laughter ] i do feel a little tingle oh, you do . Seth and so that but thats the movie like after that movie, that was when people knew who kathy bates was. They did. They did. That was very lucky. Seth and when did you know right away . Because you so you have an oscar yeah, it was like overnight. It was unbelievable. Okay, i have to tell you this story. Little part in a film in chicago and at first i was like, ah then i see my oscar and i think, eh, did i really want to go do that little part in chicago . Seth right. And i kind of thought, okay, come on you have to. They call me and they say, well, instead of a town car were going to send you a limo. Seth oh, wow. And were going to give you an extra room at the hotel. And my husband said, what do you need an extra room at the hotel for . I said, well, its for my assistant. He said, well you dont have an assistant. I said, shut up, its just a really nice thing. [ laughter ] so, i go to chicago. Its a night shoot. And six to six in the morning. Were walking to the set, everybody is screaming for his autograph. Seth sure. Theyre screaming for mine. Seth oh, it was the first time . Like that. Seth first time theyve screamed for you. Oh, my god. Everybody. And i ran across. We all did autographs and stuff so i was like, kind of you know. And then i go back to my trailer. I had my little dog with me. It was about 2 00, and i had to take him out to do his business, and so i opened the door and i said, i have to take my dog out and they said, mrs. Bates you cant go alone, you have to have a bodyguard with you. And i was like, shut the front door. [ laughter ] seth yeah. Okay . Only three more and ill be like madonna. So i went with my little dog, and i had forgot to take something to clean up after him. And my mind was racing and i thought, this bodyguard is going to call the tabloids and make a lot of money and tell them im a slut and im filthy and all of this stuff. [ laughter ] so i was desperate and i saw a piece of paper on the ground, and i picked it up, and it had my autograph on it. [ laughter ] seth what a it did. It did. It did. It was like, you know it was like, god saying, settle down. Seth right. Just settle down. And i used it. Seth really . You used it to pick up thats a good yeah, like autograph down. Seth yeah, thats great. I did, i did. Seth and now your dog wont go to the bathroom unless you sign a piece of paper. [ laughter ] unless you give him an autograph first. Damn, youre good seth well, let me tell you something what . Seth because i want to ask about this, have you noticed because obviously, so youre famous back then when people autograph anymore . All anybody wants is a photo of you, right . A selfie. Seth yeah. Yeah. Seth and i must be i even think now if somebody was like, look i got an autograph, no one would care. They wouldnt care, no. Seth they just want a picture. They want a picture of them with you so they know youre captured forever in that moment in time. Seth the bummer, and i dont know if you feel this way because i feel like when you sign an autograph, you can actually talk to people and ask them a question or whatnot and you cant do that when a picture is going down. Like theres just too much business with a picture. Oh, i talk to people. What, you dont talk to people when theyre taking a selfie . Seth i know, i know. [ laught mostly because i dont heres why you dont hear them . No, i dont want a picture where im answering a question. Its like [ laughter ] oh, no. Seth i have to be very still. I just talk to them afterwards. I talk to them afterwards. Seth but what if theres someone else who wants to i feel like, i dont know. What . Seth if you take one picture then somebody else wants one. I i do it, kathy dont look at me like that. [ laughter ] well, youre a lot more famous than i am. Youre a lot and theyre waiting for you outside, you know that after the show theyre going to be there. Seth look, let me tell you this, take your dog out around 30 rock and youll