Lets get to the news. The chicago cubs won the world series last night against the cleveland indians. Its so great, because if the cubs can win the world series, that means anything is possible. Oh, [ bleep ]. [ laughter and applause ] [ bleep ]. [ laughter ] following the chicago cubs Hillary Clinton tweeted a message of support saying, quote, way to make history, cubs. While donald trump tweeted, polls show i won world series. Crooked cubs belong in jail. [ laughter and applause ] so the indians lost last night. While other minorities will find out if they lost on tuesday. Why an official fbi twitter account, that have been dormant for over a year, suddenly posted several tweets praising donald trump. Oh, you dont know why . Well, take your time. I wont russia. [ laughter and applause ] donald trump will reportedly hold a small gathering on Election Night instead of a large celebration, because he is superstitious. Oh, sorry, i read that wrong. Super racist. [ laughter ] former kkk leader, david duke, told reporters today that if he his elected to the senate he would be Donald Trumps most loyal advocate. When asked what hed do if trump loses, duke said, ill burn that cross when we come to it. [ laughter ] the economist magazine endorsed Hillary Clinton for president this week. While donald trump was endorsed by shootin at stop signs gazette its all going to be over soon. [ light laughter ] according to a new poll, donald trump and Hillary Clinton are neck and neck in new hampshire, while Chris Christie isnt even neck. [ laughter and applause ] today is National Sandwich day, so you know we hittin da club. [ laughter ] my great shame is that was my favorite of all the jokes. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] we hitting the club and finally, a cafe if switzerland that was supposed to offer men oral sex along with their coffee, is considering replacing sex workers with asked nobody. [ laughter ] ladies and gentlemen, we have a great show for you tonight. [ cheers and applause ] he is one of my favorite actors. Hes in an incredible new movie called hacksaw ridge. The fantastic vince vaughn is here tonight. [ cheers and applause ] we also have the chief anchor of abc news. George stephanopoulos is stopping by. [ cheers and applause ] and well have standup comedy from liza treyger. Its a great show. But before we get to all that, with the election still five days away, republicans are already threatening years of political paralysis if Hillary Clinton wins. With some promising to block her Supreme Court nominees for years and others saying she should be impeached. For more on this, its time for a closer look. . [ applause ] seth were in the home stretch and both sides are in overdrive doing everything they can to get people to vote. Tuesday in ohio, for example, that if they went to the polls to vote early, they could also go to taco bell and get a free taco thanks to a world series promotion. Because ive been watching the world series, im aware that because Francisco Lindor stole second base in game one, everyone in america gets a free taco at taco bell tomorrow. [ cheers ] [ laughter ] i mean, this guy was so fired up about the free taco, look at him i have never seen anybody so excited about a free taco. This guy right here. Seth although to be fair, they shouldnt [ laughter ] they shouldnt make joe biden stand in the crowd like that. [ laughter and applause ] but what out and vote. We have to stop an insane man from having the nuclear codes. And people go, eh. But you say, free taco, and theyre all, yes, we can [ laughter ] now in the closing stretch, the campaign of course has been dominated by the news that suddenly the very chatty fbi has discovered more emails potentially related to Hillary Clintons private server. And republicans are pulling out all the stops. In fact today texas senator ted cruz, who once called trump attacked his wife and accused his dad of being involved in the assassination of jfk, campaigned for trump in iowa. And as he was getting ready to board the jump jet, cruz pushed back on suggestions he wasnt fully behind trump. Some of you guys are wanting to write stories suggesting divisions among republicans. Ill make a point im getting ready to get on a gigantic airplane that has Donald Trumps name painted on the side of it. Seth in fact this is very similar to the airplane Lyndon Johnson was sworn in on nonetheless, the investigation of hillarys emails is a political gift for trump, as long as he can stay on message and not say anything crazy. A task apparently so difficult for him, trump had to give himself a pep talk on stage at a rally in florida yesterday. In six days we are going to win the great state of florida. And we are going to win the white house. Gonna win it. Isnt it . Weve got to be nice and cool. Nice and cool. Right . Stay on point, donald. Stay on point. [ laughter ] no side tracks, donald. Nice and easy. Seth he had to talk to himself about acting sane like hes on a diet. [ laughter ] okay, donald, there is cake in the break room, but you dont [ applause ] its swimsuit season, donald. Its swimsuit season. But the problem isnt trumps straying off message, the problem is his message. He is trying to cast Hillary Clinton as a potentially illegitimate president who would be mired in legal crisis for years. And his rhetoric, and that of the people around him, has become increasingly rabid and unhinged. At a recent rally in nevada, for example, one of trumps warm up speakers was right wing media personality Wayne Allyn Root. Name is Wayne Allyn Root there are two careers available to you. Right wing radio host or river city strangler. [ laughter ] root described this fantasy he had about hillary and a key aide. I heard a rumor, i dont know if you heard this rumor, but while were all gathered here, all the networks have walltowall coverage of a live police chase and its hillary in a white ford bronco. Shes got shes got huma driving and theyre headed for the mexican border. I have the name, i have the name, i have the name for the future tv movie. Its called driving miss hillary. And the ending, if we all get our wish, the ending is like thelma and louise. seth okay, first of all, the all want to be thelma and louise. [ light laughter ] also i dont know why youd bring up driving miss daisy. Wasnt that a movie about a black man who helps a white lady get where she wants to go . [ laughter and applause ] thats the last movie you should be bringing up. And then there have been calls to violence from Trump Supporters if he loses. For example, former gop congressman joe walsh recently tweeted that if trump loses, walsh was asked about that comment on msnbc this week and wasnt especially convincing in trying to defend it. Why tweet that . Why put that out there . Well, first off, its a musket. Its a craig its a metaphor. Its a call to arms. You could understand why a lot of folks have a problem with that. Especially considering the current Political Climate that were in. Craig, i said musket. If i had said gun, thats one thing. A musket it is a gun. No, no. Okay, fine, then take me literally. Why the hell would i advocate anybody to grab a musket . Nobody can find a musket anywhere, craig. I challenge to you find a working musket. Seth why does he have to find you a musket . [ laughter ] this isnt a scavenger hunt. And once you find the musket, you have to find an autographed photo of luke perry. [ laughter ] the republicans are using increasingly unhinged rhetoric to warn about the consequences of electing hillary. Many are even threatening to impeach her without any evidence and if they cant do that, theyll settle for the next best thing preventing her from filling any vacancy on the Supreme Court for her entire fouryear term. In recent days a number of sitting gop senators, including ted cruz, john mccain, and richard burr have voiced support for blocking any clinton nominee to Supreme Court forever. If Hillary Clinton becomes president , i will do everything i can do to make sure that four years from now we still have an opening on the Supreme Court. Seth four years. Poor merrick garland. Do you remember him . The guy obama nominated to fill the seat eight months ago . He is probably just wandering around the halls of Congress Like tom hanks in the terminal. [ laughter ] the hypocrisy here is especially brazen when you consider the republicans excuse for not confirming garland in the first place was that we should wait for the election and let the Voters Decide who they want to fill the seat. The American People should be afforded the opportunity to people need a chance to weigh in on this issue. Lets let the American People decide. It aught to be put off out of this toxic arena right now and put off until after the election. This should be a decision for the people, george. Let the election decide it. Seth thats right. Let the election decide, just like my dad decided to kill jfk. [ laughter ] trump and the gop have destroyed some of our most important political norms. They want to jail or impeach anyone they digr and if they dont get to wield power, they want to paralyze the government so no one can. You would think that would be enough to get people to the polls. You know, that or everyone in america gets a free taco at taco bell tomorrow. Seth yeah [ cheers and applause ] this has been a closer look. . Well be right back with more late night, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] vo maybe it was here, when you hit 300,000 miles. Or here, when you walked away without a scratch. Maybe it was the day your baby came home. Or maybe the day you realized your baby was not a baby anymore. Every subaru is built to earn your trust. Because we know what youre trusting us with. Subaru. Kelley blue books most trusted brand. And best overall brand. Love. Its what makes a subaru, a subaru. 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He said humira is for people like me who have tried other medications but still experience the symptoms of moderate to severe crohns disease. In clinical studies, the majority of patients on humira saw significant symptom relief. And many achieved remission. Humira can lower your ability to fight infections, serious, sometimes fatal infections and cancers, including lymphoma, have happened; as have blood, liver, and nervous system problems, serious allergic reactions, and new or worsening heart failure. Before treatment, get tested for tb. Tell your doctor if youve been to areas where certain fungal infections are common, and if youve had tb, hepatitis b, are prone to infections, or have flulike symptoms or sores. Dont start humira if you have an infection. If youre still just managing your symptoms, talk with your gastroenterologist about humira. . [ cheers and applause ] seth welcome back, everybody. And please, give it up for the 8g band right over there. [ cheers and applause ] also, weve been incredibly lucky all week long to have an incredible musician sitting in with the 8g band. She is the former drummer for music legend prince. And the first single from her new husband and wife duo, counter culture, womens institution, is out now. Hannah welton, everybody. Thank you so much for a fantastic week, and please come back soon. Now, if you have been following the news lately, then you know that last week was one of all right pal, take a hike. Seth um, sorry . Whats going on over there . Oh, sorry seth. Someones trying to get into the vip area. Seth jim, theres no vip area at our show. What are you talking about . I got your handwritten note, saying that you wanted me to rope off the vip area just for your nephew, derrick. Its got your signature and everything. [ laughter ] seth derrick, get over here [ audience oohs ] i am so sorry about this, everyone. My 14yearold nephew, derrick, is in town, and i promised his mom id look after him. But it looks like i cant leave him alone for two seconds. So now he has to sit here with me at the desk where he cant get into any trouble. [ laughter ] hey, uncle seth. Seth hi. [ laughter ] eric i mean, derrick, what are you doing . Why are you [ laughter and applause ] derrick, why do you think you deserve a vip section . Well, as you just illustrated, ive sort of been getting bullied a lot. And ive been getting bullied a lot at school specifically. And i just thought if i had my own safe space, maybe like people would leave me alone. Im sorry. Seth oh gosh, derrick, i didnt [ audience aws ] i didntyo why didnt you tell me, bud . Because i dont know, its embarrassing. Seth no, buddy, look, i can help you handle bullies. I know how to handle bullies. Yeah, thats nice uncle seth, but i dont need to know how to curl up into a ball and scream like a girl. [ laughter ] seth okay, you know what. Derrick, i can teach you how to talk yourself out of bad situations with bullies. Really . Seth yeah. I do this for a living. I talk to people for my job. And im pretty good at it. Here, lets role play. You pretend to be a bully and um, hey, dork face, why are you such a dork . Seth and then well, you know what i would say to that, id say, id rather be a dork than rude and mean. So why dont you get out of my face . Huh. Yeah. Okay. I guess i could see thats pretty good. Seth yeah. Could we try switching roles . Seth okay, sure. Uh, yes so ill be the bully. Hey, derrick, your hair looks whack yeah . Bignose celebrity asskisser giving tugjobs to dlisters while my balls sit in a jar on Lorne Michaelss book shelf. [ laughter ] get out of my face, secondrate jimmy fallon. [ applause ] seth jesus, derrick. [ light laughter ] yeah, yeah, that felt really empowering, uncle seth. Seth no, derrick, what you what said was really hurtful. A bunch of super specific stuff. Are you even getting bullied at school . Yes actually, hes not getting bullied. In fact, hes the biggest bully in school. Seth im sorry, who are you . Im his principal. And he was supposed to be in detention today, but someone took him out of school. Seth oh, my god. Let me guess, you got a handwritten note with my signature on it . No, just this voice mail. [ beep ] oh, hi principal sheila. , televisions seth meyers. Yeah, im gonna need to take derrick out of school for a couple of days on account of i just got stung by a bunch of jelly fish. And uh, it stings pretty bad. And i need derrick to pee on me until it feels better. [ laughter ] i just got to have that peepee. So, thanks for understanding. Uh, i love you, byebye. Seth well obviously i did not get stung by a bunch of seth no. [ light laughter ] no i i i can explain. Seth thank you, derrick. So some people find that the only way they can reach sexual climax is by getting urinated on. Seth no, no, derrick. [ laughter ] derrick, whats the matter with you . This isnt the kid [ laughter ] this isnt the kid i know, buddy. I the kid i know had a good heart. Remember when we went to the susset county pumpkin chunkin . You gave your binoculars to that little kid so they could watch em shoot the pumpkin out of the cannon. You remember that . What happened to that kid i knew . Well, the truth is, i know i shouldnt have done that stuff. I guess i was just acting out, because last week you missed my piano recital. Audience and i saw one empty seat, and i knew. Seth oh, gosh, derrick. Now i completely understand why youre upset. I cant believe i forgot about your recital. I even dedicated a song to you. [ laughter ] but you werent there. I guess i could play it for you now. Seth oh, that would be great. You could use elis keyboard. Seth you, wait [ cheers and applause ] seth you brought your own baby grand piano . Yeah, i bring it everywhere i go. I practice a lot. So can i play you a song . [ cheers and applause ] this is dedicated to my uncle seth. . Sometimes in our lives we all have pain we all have sorrow . . But if we are wise we know that theres always tomorrow . . P pee on his face and in his hair all over his body . . For it wont be long til im gonna need somebody to pee on . . You just call on me brother if you need a friend . To pee on . . We might have a problem that youd understand we all need somebody to pee on . . Pee on seth pee on his face and in his hair all over his body . . For it wont be long and im gonna need somebody to pee on . . Just call on me brother when you need a friend we all need somebody to pee on . . I just might have a problem that youd understand we all need somebody to pee on . And in his hair all over his body . . For it wont be long im gonna need somebody to pee on . . Pee on seth pee on his face . Sing . And in his hair all over his body . . For it wont be long that im gonna need somebody to pee on . . Pee on come on now pee on pee on pee on . Seth youre a terrible youre a terrible kid. Youre a terrible kid. I know, i know. Seth well be right back with more late night. [ cheers and applause ] simulation initiated. . [beeping] take on any galaxy with a car that could stop for you. Simulation complete. The new nissan rogue. Rogue one a star wars story. In theaters december 16th. Devour, say my name the little sounds your crispy bacon makes drive me crazy. You naughty little. Did you just spank your lunch . Yes. Nice. Food you want to fork. Introducing devour. Alright, hows this for a tv show. Sous chef. Lawyer by day, prepcook by night. Also, his name is sous. No. Sloppy j