I mean, youre older, youre wiser. You shouldve seen right through him. But daddy just worked with him. Think about what you did with him. [phone ringing] ill get it look what i have for us some popcorn. Ellen, say hi to sparkle beach barbie. Emilily, you do know that in the real world women dont look like this. You dont think my barbies pretty . I think there are different types of pretty. Thats not the only type. I mean, say hello to bookstore manager barbie. Thats ken. I know its ken. Its just that the point is is that, you know, these clothes would look fine on sparkle beach barbie or anybody, for that matter. I actually have these pants. Yes, shes very pretty. [telephone rings] ill get it. Hello. Hey, ed. Yes, theyre sound asleep. Ill put em to bed in a half hour. Yeah, they had their vegetables. Uhhuh. Candy corn is a vegetable, right . Yes, i think im very funny. Ok. You and sarah have fun. Ellen, how come you didnt go out tonight like mommy and daddy . Because i wanted to stay here with you two. No, really. Why . Well, uh, cause i justi like staying in andand relaxing. You dont always have to go out to have fun. Besides, its a weeknight. Not everybody goes out on weeknights. You want to watch tv . Yeah yeah all right. [crowd] 4. 3. 2. 1. Happy new year ladies and gentlemen, jan arden. You know im close , ill keep my promises ill always be there when you talk to me ahh ill always hear you, yeah captioning performed by the National Captioning Institute, inc. Public performance of captions prohibited without permission of National Captioning Institute hey, joe. Cup of coffee. Oh. Shh shh shh. Not so loud. Hung over from new years eve. Its january 2nd, joe. In that case, i got a drinkin problem. Hello, friends hello, 1997 when i said i would see you next year . Well, its next year audrey, could you take the treble down just a little bit . Hey, joe, you still up for coming over to paiges with me tonight . Ooh. My dance cards empty. Uh, actually, audrey, its kind of a guy thing. Im just keepin spence company while he apartmentsits for paige. She went up to canada. Apparently bob sagets way over budget. Hes gone out of his mind directing elevator iii. Hes 500 over budget, and the people at lifetime are not happy with him. Hey, ellen. Uh, remember a couple of days ago when i said i would see you next year . We went through this yesterday, audrey. Ellen, i really wish youd gone to that new Years Eve Party with me. Well, im glad i stayed home. I hate new years eve. Theres so much pressure. You have to go to a big party. You have to kiss some stranger at midnight. So you sneak out at 11 30. On your way home, you stop at the safeway to pick up some cereal and light bulbs. There you are standing in the checkout line. The next thing you know, its midnight, it happened to a friend of mine. You know, ellen, i wish you had gone to the party with me, cause you could remind me where i parked my van. Oh, you traded it to nicholas cage for his oscar, which, by the way, he wants back. Oh. Happy new year, everybody. Audrey hello, mr. B. Ellen happy new year, ed. Youre probably wondering whats wrapped around the old wrists. No. Thanks for asking. Theyre 10pound weights. Got em on my ankles, too. Yep, thats my new years resolution. Figured i was getting a little out of shape, and i thought, well, i dont have time to work out while im working. Or do i . Uh, mr. B, how very perspicacious of you. That means having or showing penetrating mental discernment. Thats super, audrey. Its my new years resolution to expand my vocabulary by one new word each day. My new years resolution i dont know if anybodys concerned about this old canadian, but ive resolved to take my job less seriously. [telephone rings] the old joe would have been all over that. Ill get it. Hello. Welcome to buy the book. Its nicholas cage i got that oscar fair and square. Well, i made a little resolution of my own. You know, the other night, when i was putting eds kids to bed at 9 30 12 30 Eastern Standard Time i thought that was 8 30. Lets not quibble. Im telling a story, ed. Anyway, i saw this news story about this 80yearold woman who, for her new years resolution, decided to jump out of an airplane, and she did it. I should mention that she was wearing a parachute, otherwise the story would just be tragic. But anyway, i took a look at myself, and i realized, ellen morgans life is boring. Finally, someone besides me is saying these words this year, i am gonna do things that i have never done before. Youre gonna skydive . No, im not gonna skydive youre missing my point. Im not some senile old woman with a death wish. Im gonna do things that ive always wanted to do, but ive never had the courage to do. So i am going to dinner at la petit lapin. Alone. Ooh, going to a french restaurant all by yourself. Boy, thats pretty brave. We could have used more people like you in grenada. Ok, joke if you will, ed, but ive passed the place millions of times. Ive always wanted to go in, but ive been intimidated, cause i didnt have anybody to go with. And now im gonna go, alone. Well, i am impressed with your temerity. Stop being so rebarbative. It means irritating. I have last years calendar. [gypsy violin plays] oh hi. Im so excited to be here. You know, ive done some research. It means the little bunny. Normally, id be intimidated to come to someplace like this, but i made a new years resolution do you have reservation . Yes. Uh, morgan, ellen. Ah, oui, madame. Morgan, party of 7. Right this way. No. No, no, no. No. Its, uh, morgan, party of one. It says 7. Oh, i see what you did. You made the oldfashioned one, which, uh, could look like a 7 with a little jaunty hat on it. If you dont get the hat jaunty enough, then it just looks like a 7, but, no, its the one. Its still morgan, party of one. Well, i have a table for morgan, party of. 7. Youre like a french poodle with a bone, arent ya. Im sure you can just squeeze me in somewhere. I mean, im sure youve served a party of one before. You know, if youre not careful, you could damage the celebrated french reputation for politeness. Ill see what i can do. [snaps loudly] can i get you a cocktail . Oh, no, thank you. Designated driver. If you give me a cocktail, ill end up wrestling myself in the parking lot for my keys later on. Its a. A jok this way, morgan. Party of. One. The rest was dirty. I just, um. Yep. This is fine. Thank you. Wow. Paiges kitchen is great. Is this stuff new . Yeah. Apparently its important for someone who never cooks to maintain a stateoftheart kitchen. This is gonna be your swingin bachelor pad for the next 3 weeks. This is gonna be sweet yeah, daddy. Whoohoohoohoohoo ahh so you wanna bake some cookies . Yeah. Hi. If you could just bring some oh. Ill take a rose. Just because im alone doesnt mean i dont enjoy flowers. Keep the change. Les crepes citrouilles aux truffes. For one. Ooh ahh thats what you do when you get food here. Go away. Shoo. Scat go allez. All right leave me alone enough whats his problem, huh . Hes the boss brother. Hes got a plate in his head. Youve got gum, sewing kit, lotion, perfume. All you need is a slurpee machine in here, you got your own 7eleven. Boy, it doesnt get much better than this, huh . I sure hope it does. So is this your only bathroom, or do you franchise . You had an argument with your boyfriend, didnt you . What makes you say that . Because every time some lady has an argument with her boyfriend, she comes in here, pretends to be interested in the bathroom. Oh, can you imagine that . No. Um, im here alone. Thats my new years resolution. Decided to live more dangerously, do things i wouldnt normally do. So you came to a romantic restaurant alone . Yeah. Why not . I mean, the foods good. The atmospheres great. Why cant i come here and have the time of my life . So are ya . No. Im miserable. Its so romantic. Its just couples, and theyre just gazing into each others eyes. Its so loveydovey. You think im crazy . Honey, i dont pass judgment. I just hand out towels. I see that look in your eye. Youre just dyin to give me some pearl of wisdom. You mean, like, keep on truckin . Thats a good one. I think thats very underappreciated, that slogan. You think it was a stupid resolution . No, but it seems to me itd be a lot easier doing something on your own if you werent the only one doin it. Good point. Yeah. I dont belong here. This fancy restaurant, its just so. Snobby, and, oh, the people. This one woman, you should see her. When i came in, shes in some kind of black, mermaidtype dress. I dont know how she can even walk. Her breasts just obviously implants. I accidentally bumped into her, and it was like that. [thump] no. Look at me. No. Look at me. [toilet flushes] and if you dont have something nice to say, dont say anything at all. Im gonna go get her for you. You keep playing, ill poke ya. I swear. [snap] oh, i didnt order this. Chocolate souffle, courtesy of the house. Oh, well, thank the house for me. Thank you. Ooh. Mmm. Mmmmmm. Mmmm oh. Ow. [crack] im notim not darcy. You idiots youve got the wrong person. Hi. Im matt mccoy. How long have you had your Car Insurance . I ask because i had mine for over 20 years before i switched and saved hundreds with the aarp Auto Insurance program from the hartford. I was with my previous insurance for 30 years. But they could not compete with the hartford. People 50 and over could save hundreds of dollars when they switch. I had done a lot of comparison shopping. The rate was like half of what i was paying. [ female announcer ] 420 is the average amount drivers save when they switch to the aarp Auto Insurance program from the hartford. You know, it makes me wonder why everyone 50 and over hasnt switched. 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Thats. Or go to gohartfordauto. Com today. Just for requesting a quote. Here you go, maam. Heres your decaf cappuccino. Oh, im sorry. I wanted regular. Oh, no problem. Ill just make you another. [imitating a cappuccino machine] joseph please dont be so fallacious deceitful. Meaning to conceal. Yknow, the old joe would have been annoyed by that . Thats one thing the old joe and the new joe have in common. Ooh bonjour, mon ami how was la petit lapin . Isnt the violinist romantic . Hes got a plate in his head. The great ones always do. Actually, it didnt really pan out so much, you know . But its like the bathroom attendant said. The fancy restaurant wasnt the right place for me to start. I should go someplace that i dont feel so uncomfortable being alone. So youre gonna live your life according to what a bathroom attendant tells you. That is some profound advice. I think you may have been touched by an angel. So what are you gonna do now . Well, i have revised my new years resolution, and im taking a class. Ooh yep. I went to the learning attic, and i picked up a brochure, and ive narrowed it down to 2 things how to make a car out of tin cans and empty egg cartons. But thats bad for my cholesterol, so its, beginning pottery. The year of living dangerously continues. Hey, ed. Hows your resolution coming along . Oh, really good. I added some more weight this morning, and i cant even feel it. Oh, here you go, maam. Let me get those for you. Mmm. Ok. So yesterdays cookies were completely charred, but i am feeling really good about this pizza. Yeah, well, you know, desserts more of a chick thing. But pizza. Its a guy thing. Definitely, definitely. So we got cheese. What else are we gonna put in this baby . Ok, weve got. Uh, peppers, olives, chutney, and maraschino cherries. Ah. Now we got a pizza. [telephone rings] ill get it. Luigis pizzeria. Paige hey. Its me. Hey. Hows it goin, paige . Hows the movie goin . You got bob saget back on budget . No. Its really weird. Every time i try to find him, hes just on his way out. Oh, bob. Hi. Hi, paige. Hold on one second. Um, listen, i was wondering if we could maybe, uh, powwow for a sec after i finish this call. You know, id love to, but i gotta go talk to keanu reeves. Were about to do that scene where the elevator explodes. The guy wants to know his motivation. I gotta run, all right . Sorry. So you didnt show him that video i made of you, huh . Spence, that is not the kind of video you show bob saget. Thats not what the guys at the hospital said. Iim gonna have to call you back. What do you say . Chinese . Sounds good to me. Look at me makin pottery. I cannot believe this i am makin pottery just 20 minutes ago, this was one big blob of clay, and now its a blob of clay with a hole in it. Youre a quick study, ellen. I hope, at least, youre just havin fun. Oh, am i havin fun. And you know why . Because i am by myself. And im really having a good time being by myself, havin fun, alone, just by myself alone. Thats the kind of attitude thatll. Make you a lotta pots. Yeah. Get a little creative and make somethin a little special. Wow. This is so amazing. Its so easy to do this. Here, here, here. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Try it like this. Dont force it. Just become friends with the clay. Oh, ok. Well, the clay and i are friends. Were fine. Its the wheel thats giving me attitude. My names guy. Whats yours . Girl. Ok. Thanks. I think i got it. Thank you. Hold on. Now let the clay speak to you. Ok . Whats it sayin . Well, i think its saying, 2 hands good, 4 hands bad. Ok. Nice meeting you, guy. Girl. Yeah. [wheel motor humming] oh. My love my darling a long long time and time goes by so slowly and time can do so much are you still mine . I need your love so get away from what are you doing . thank you very much. This is very bad. Paige spent weeks picking out these appliances. She loved the fact that they all matched. Oh. Here ya go. Oh, no. Im not the, uh, thethank you. Keep on truckin. Where were you . On my break. Most people go to the bathroom. I go anywhere but. Boy, you think its hard getting a reservation in this place. Try gettin in here when you just want to use the restroom. So what are you doing here . Oh, i brought you something. Its, uh. Its a tip jar. Its. Kinda started out as a bowl and then a vase and then a bowl and then some clay flew off, and so bowlvase, bowlvase and then, voila. Did i mention i made it . Thanks. Here ya go. So. How are things going . Well, after the restaurant fiasco, i took a pottery class, so now im toying with the idea of maybe scuba diving or even needlepoint. What do you think . I think youre too busy trying to keep busy. Have you stopped to think about that . No. Im too busy. I just want my life to be different. I want it to be exciting. I want it to mean something. Honey, it does. Listen, i got 3 kids, and let me tell you what i tell them. When youve finally stopped runnin around, chasing after your own tail, thats when youll see that big bone youve been lookin for the whole time. All right, thats not what i tell my kids. Thats what i tell my dog, but. You get my point. I get your point. That is so true, except for the bone part. Im a vegetarian, so. Wow. You know what . You may find this hard to believe, but im in therapy. And, um. I pay 75 an hour. Ive been spending 5 minutes with you, and i got more out of that, for just a dollar. Ive got some dreams i want to talk to you about. So i had this dream where im, uh, a zebra, doing th captioning made possible by walt disney television, abc, inc. , paigell never know the difference. My friend, we are out of the woods. Captioning performed by the National Captioning Institute, inc. Public performance of captions prohibited without permission of National Captioning Institute the key fits, and i am stepping into my new home. A homeowner. Ellen, why do you think im so happy right now . Because of your 7 commission . Oh, youre wicked. Partially. No. Because it makes me so happy to match a client with the house of her dreams. Now for my scrapbook. Let me get a picture of you in your beautiful new house. Ok. Let me by theby the window. With my gorgeous view of. Kids playing on my lawn. Getget off my lawn get get away from here get out get off my land oh. You know where we can do it, too . The woodburning fireplace with the easy gaslight starter, huh . Anywhere you want, as long as its not in front of that hideous wall. Whats so hideous about this wall . I mean, sure its a little bit plain, but nothing a new 97 calendar cant spruce up. You should see the one i have right now. The month theyre sticking out of a golf bag. And you know what theyre thinking . What did we do to get ourselves into this mess . Oh, ellen, id be id be lying if laughed at your little joke. Why . Well, you used to laugh at my jokes before i bought the house. Now, see, youre still thinking like a renter. Ellen, you own this house. You can change anything you want. And i plan on making drastic changes. This, for instance, this area will be a roller rink. Then in the kitchen, therell be a concession stand. And the bathroom will be where you rent the skates. Ellen, no, im serious. What is it that you have always wanted . My own saturday morning cartoon . You know what ive always wanted . What . A nook. A nook. Oh, ive made love in roddy mcdowalls nook. This is so perfect for a nook. It would be a great nook, that area. Oh, no. Well, of course you cant afford it, ellen. Thats what being a homeowner is all about. Really . Mmhmm. Ok, well, then, lets do it. Bring on the wrecking ball ellen morgan is getting a nook [rustling] hey get get away from there get out of there [both shouting] ladies and gentlemen, Aaron Neville and i will now sing a duet. Captioning made possible by walt disney television, abc, inc. , [highpitched] you know im close, i keep my promises captioning performed by the National Captioning Institute, inc. Ill always listen when you talk to me ill always hear you [deep voice] yeah yeah . Come on, guys, help me out here. Please. You know, i want to do something nice for paige. cause you burned down her kitchen . No, because i love her. And because i burned down her kitchen. Spencer, nothing says im sorry i ruined your appliances quite like new appliances. Yeah, well, nothing says sorry, sir, you cant afford new appliances quite like my credit rating. What you need is something inexpensive yet personal that says i love you. [gasps] like a hummel figurine . Theyre precious, but i was thinking more along the lines of a tattoo. Lets not dismiss the hummel idea out of hand, cause. Id go with the skull with the worm dangling out of the eye socket. Of course, im a romantic. Yeah, well, i dont think people over 65 should rollerblade hi, ellen. Howd it go . Did you get your permit for your little reading nook . No. 9month wait. Those nookhating bastards. Ellen, my friend madelines pretty wellconnected. When she says jump, boys down at city hall say, how high, and can i get you a cup of coffee while im up . Hello, madeline. Joe. Ellen, not to worry. My daddy says you can always get around these things by using an unlicensed contractor with inferior materials. Ok, thatll be plan b. Ok. Well, thanks, madeline. Bye. She says no problem. Its done. Just call her, and shell fax them to you tomorrow. Really . Yeah. Well, thank you very much, and thank mad hello, madeline. No, i already hung up. You know, why dont i take you two to dinner tomorrow night de la luna . My connections this time. My neighbors cousin knows the busboy. Or how about this . Madeline knows the owner. Well, thats not gonna help us when we need more bread, is it . And ive seen nooks, and ive seen crannies, but thats a cranny oh, ellen, it all sounds just divine. Oh, well, i have you to thank for it. And e. Jo ahh. My sweet joe. I am a lucky woman to have such a wonderful man in my life. Mm, i know what you mean. Yes, i feel the same. I feel so. Lucky to have him at the bookstore my sweet. Dear. Coffee joe. [ring] oh. Excuse me. Yes . Excuse me. Ill just be a moment. She sure is nice. Yup, she sure is. Ellen, if youre wondering about me and madeline, the answer is yes. I have a lot of questions. They cant all be yes. Really . Wow. How long have you been. Seeing her . 4 months now. 4 months . Why didnt you tell me about this . Well, madelines a little older than i am, and i didnt want to be judged on something so irrelevant as age. Joe, who am i to judge anybody on relationships . Thank you. And i only hope that one day if i have a slightly odd relationship, you two will not judge me. Anyway, im very imim happy for you. Well. Thanks. It feels great to finally get this out in the open. I mean. Do you have any idea how hard it was for me keeping this a secret, living a lie, scared of what others might think . No. Well, now that you know, i guess everybody else can know. Why dont we have them all over my place, and they can all meet madeline . Everybody . Really . Yeah. Ok. Lets do that. Im terribly sorry. That was the mayor. He wants us to stop by later for cocktails. Are you up for that . If we must, we must, but if he pulls out scattergories again, im going home. Ha ha ha. No, ive got this, madeline. Oh, thats very sweet, ellen, but totally unnecessary. I have it. No, but i want to have it. Ellen, please, indulge me. Ok. Quite an arm on you there. [la cucaracha doorbell rings] mi casa es su casa. Joseph, you live like a king wow. I dont know what i was expecting, but, i mean, like, maybe fastfood wrappers, chicken bones, and empty bottles. Like the back of your van. Amazing tv. What, is this a 40inch . Actually, a 46inch. Madeline, gave it to me cause im such a good snuggler. Look at this stereo and a laser disc player. Uh, yeah, uh, madeline gave me that cause i look so good in my silk jammies. Audrey yowzah what a fabulous master suite ive never seen a canopy waterbed before. Let me guess. Birthday gift from madeline . No. Just for bein me. Ah, man, whats this, a lazboy . Oh, this is it. A lazboy and a 46incher. Finally, im livin the dream. No. Thats the reason she gave me the fridge in the bedroom. Oh, you know what . We better get started eating. Madeline said shes gonna be a little late. Uh, can i just bring this over to the table, joe . Ha ha ha. No. Madeline sure does buy you a lot of stuff. Yeah, but iii get her stuff, too, like, uh. Flowers and a frame, and, uh, yesterday, i gave her a little bottle of lavoris i got in the mail. Mmm. Nobody does cheese fondue quite like joseph. This is cheese, isnt it . I think i you know what . I finally decided on a tattoo. Yeah, something very simple, like, you know, paige, im sorry i burned down your kitchen. Thats not very romantic. Well, i think, you know, tattoos are like. Real estate location, location, location. I mean, sure madeline buys me a lot of stuff, but its not like im a kept man. Ellen, she pays my rent. Well, its not like shes giving you an allowance. Oh, joe. Well, its not like she gives it to me. I mean, i earn it. Its on a sliding scale. Oh, my god. Ellen, im an american gigolo. Dont be ridiculous, joe. Youre canadian. Elellen, what should i do . Well, youre gonna tell her youre gonna stop accepting all these gifts. I mean, its a question of selfrespect. So you dont have a jacuzzi, you dont have a satellite dish, you have to work longer hours at the bookstore to make ends meet, so what . Ellen, seriously, what am i gonna do . Hey, here are your drinks. Im tryin to cut corners cause this is gettin kind of expensive. So you get a 6up, and you get a i cant believe its not cola. Good work. Look at all this. What are these, 2 x 4s, 3 x 5s, 8 x 10s, what . I can see my neighbor. Oh, boy, i hope hes in the circus. Hey, ellen. Hey, joe. How do you like my hole . Nice. Nice. Yeah. When its done, i want you and madeline to come over and actually, madeline and i broke up. What . Well, last night when she was leavin, she was shovin mad money into my robe pocket it hit me. Im definitely a kept man. You were right. And i told her what you said. Oh. Im so sorry. Was she upset . Well, she said if i didnt want her gifts, then i didnt want her, so i gave them all back. Oh, poor madeline. Poor madeline . I got to come up with next months rent. Ok, guys, hey. Were out of here. Well, all righty. Have a good lunch. Listen, theres a little pizza place around the corner you should try. They have some excellent lasagna and some salad. Take your time. Were not coming back. Your, uh, permits been revoked. You cant leave my home like this. Ive got a hole in thewait. The wrath of madeline. All right, all right, dont panic. I can live with this till my permit comes through. [special effects] lisa what took you so long . Duracell quantum lasts longer in 99 of devices, [laser blasts] so you can power imagination all day long. [duracell slamtones] madeline, what a surprise you invited me. Oh. Thats true. I ordered some wine. I hope you like merlot. Ellen, you have got 15 minutes. Talk. But not about joe. Ok, um, we have a mutual canadian friend. Uh, lets call him. Moe. And, uh, moe has this friend helen. And helen has a hole in her wall because they took her permit away. Now, helen doesnt think its fair because moes the one who you know what joe said . He said he felt like a kept man. Well, i mean, i well, of course i was keeping him. How the hell else can a woman like me hold on to a man like joe . Lots of ways. Look at you. Im mean, youre a lovely lady. And one day, this lady will meet a fellow. And i know that its much more than a hunch. Well, yes, but it wont be joe. Ellen. Do you have any idea what a great lover joe is . No, i dont. Um. But im sure hes up there with the best of them. Lets see what they have for specials. He liked to talk in bed. Oh, i just love it when a man does that, dont you . Yeah, oh, thatsyeah. You know what i love, is when they read from the tv guide. That way its sexy, and i know which programs to watch. Well, how about when they want you to be the aggressor . Oh, dont you just think that is. Divine . Yes, i do. I think that, um. Yeah. Yeah. Ellen the aggressor, they call me. Yeah. Sometimes i dont even sleep with them. I just make them vacuum my room, and it just drives them wild. Oh, ellen, i cant tell you how delightful it is to find someone who loves to discuss sex as much as i do. Oh, i can go on and on. You know, first thing tomorrow, im gonna have that permit reinstated. Oh, it doesnt have to be first thing. Brush your teeth. Have some breakfast. We should do this again. Yeah, weyeah, we should hang out. Well, would you like to go to the ballet with me tomorrow afternoon . Tomorrow afternoon . No. My boss has these weird well, is your boss a basketball fan . Oh, yeah, sure. Well, what do you think hed say to 2 floor seats at the next lakers game . I think he would say, have fun at the ballet. So howd it go with the tattoo . Piece of cake. Like nothing at all. You know, didnt feel a thing. So lets see it. Its actually really personal, you know . Its an expression of love between paige and me. Ok, drop em, romeo. I dont see anything. Is this like that 3d magic eye . You didnt get one, did ya . No. So basically were just staring at your ass. Wait i think i see it its dolphins i couldnt do it. I was lying there on the table with my pants around my ankles, and i thought of so many different ways to say paige, forgive me better than a tattoo. You chickened out. Yeah. Yeah, i got got her a watch. Hey, good morning. Can i have some coffee . Ooh, nice coat. Oh, thanks. Madeline gave it to me. What . Madeline happens to be good friends with donna karan, and there was an extra one laying around the showroom floor, so they gave it to me, ok . Dont give me that look. Uhhuh. Ellen, what happened to your fingernails . Theyre not chewed down to the nub. Its called a manicure, audrey. Madeline and i were on rodeo having lunch we passed this divine little nail shop, and i couldnt say no. I remember when i used to go to the theater in my new donna karan jacket with my freshly manicured nails. Oh, yes, i did. If i wanted to look in the mirror and see a soul. Oh, well, see, i dont think that is gonna happen to me. Im afraid not. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. I forgot my earrings. Uld i ke a thaootattoo . All right. Tata tata oh, rematch with the ralph laurens. There are 2 of them, you know. So you and madeline seem to be hitting it off. Oh, the shopping, you mean . Well, i needed to pick up a few things. Ellen, its just that weve never seen you dress like this before. I mean, youre so. Accessorized. What are you talking about . Last summer, remember i had this shirt with the matching hat . El, you were in a softball league. Doesnt matter. Ellen, face it. Youre a kept woman. Ooh, this is getting exciting. I am not a kept woman. These are not gift gifts. Theyre just gifts for thank yous for being me. Where have i heard that before . She is not buying me tvs and couches and paying my rent because im a good snuggler, which i am. Im just hanging out. Im spending time with her, because i like her. Shes my friend. Oh, really . If shes such a good friend and this is such a great friendship, the next time she calls, try saying no, then see how good that friendship is. All right, i will. And i hope you kept the receipts. Im sure she did. Oh, ellen, it is all so beautiful. Uhh. Thanks for the tour. Yeah, oh, sure. Theres another one in 15 minutes if you want to stick around. Oh, uh, listen, um, ellen, i almost forgot. Tonight were gonna have dinner at mortons, and then were going over to hear yoyo ma at Shaquille Oneals house. The limo will pick you up at 7 00. Ii cant make it tonight. I promised, uh, audrey id do laundry with her. Oh, laundry . Oh, so do that another night. Oh, i cant. This is, uh, special. Its a brandnew kind of detergent thats not even on the market yet. You probably wont dont go looking for it. Its called out, out, damn spots. Ellen, um, look, its ok to spend some time with your little friends, but, you know, after all, i am offering you something just a bit more exciting. Yes, yes, it is. Im a big shaq fan, and lord knows i love yoyo, but thats not the point. The point is i have other plans. Ellen. I will be very disappointed if you dont come with me tonight. Disappointed sad, or disappointed like ill wake up with a horses head in my bed . The second one. Madeline, i, um. I. I have to break up with you. This is gettin weird. I mean, i give you my time, and you give me gifts. And not that i dont love the gifts, i do, but thats not what real friendship is all about. Oh, really . Yeah. I mean, my friends and i, we just hang out all the time. We do nothin. Nobody gives anybody anything. Its great. Youre not an old dog. I was talking about you. What about the gifts . I suppose youre gonna want to return all of them to me, huh . No. No, actually, thats where i think joe went wrong. See, i think that you can hang on to certain mementos from a relationship and not be compromised well, yes, you can have that memento because i have the hole. Well. Goodbye, ellen. Goodbye, madeline. Hey, well, you dont have to leave just cause she tore the thing down. Oh, yeah, we do. Um. Come on, guys. Fine. All right. It cant be that hard. 2 x 4s and. Nails and a hammer and. Really, really big calendar. Oh, what a cute lit hello, little puppy. Cute little, puppy. Hello. Very, very lovely daughter. I didnt et it. [classical music playing]