would you... yeah. like one? what are you doing, paul, feeding the bear claw? i'm sure the teamsters were just trying to cheer me up. you know, tomorrow's gonna be a pretty tough day for me... alone...divorced... at least you weren't accepting thinly disguised bribes from the local unions. there's always that. unless anyone wants to share a valentine's story, i'd like to get down to this very important business. so anyone? no. good. ooh! i'm gonna propose to claudia! so what you're saying is that i'm strong. not wanting to go on some casual date while you're waiting for something real is both strong and emotionally self-aware. but mostly strong. yes, mike, you're a big, strong macho man. (imitating john wayne) well, you don't have to say that, carter. you know what i'm thinking? i'm thinking maybe... maybe i'm just not meant to be married, you know? we convince ourselves that we can't live without someone else. we can. marriage is a big lie. please! i'm looking at engagement rings here. the whole idea of this scares me. what, getting married? purchasing. you know, paul, you're supposed to spend 2 months' salary on one of these things, not 2 weeks'. i knew it'd come back and bite me on the ass. can i help you? let me get this straight. the less color a diamond has, the more expensive it is. that is correct. i'd like to see the red one, please. that's a cufflink. buy the ring, paul. o.k., i'll take that one. no, no, wait, wait. not--not--i don't know-- paul, paul, you can do it. no, i can't. i left my wallet at the office. i haven't carried it around since 1973. which, coincidentally, is the last time you opened it. see how easy this is, paul? oh, mike. oh, mike, thank you. you're paying me back, paul. oh. so you firmed up your valentine's day plans yet? nope. i like to leave it for the last possible moment, nikki. think of the buildup you've got going. let's see the ring! mike's holding it hostage. look, the last time he borrowed money, it took him 6 months to pay me back. mike, i just moved. i had expenses. times were tight. paul, it was $3.00. some flowers were delivered to a honey bunny, from steve. steve lisk? steve steiner? steve tanzer. oh! when will he leave me alone? i hate valentine's day. it is the worst. honey bunny is right. it's just too painful. when was the last time you were in love, mike? about 6 months ago-- laurie. she dumped me. i was crushed. i told her i never wanted to see her again. hi, mike. apparently she still doesn't listen to me. in love with this woman. sometimes a second chance-- best thing in the world. you think i should go for it? yeah. but go for it, you know, slowly. what is that, nike's slogan for their new senior citizen cross-trainers? hi. you find the coffee o.k.? the new girl's helping me out. that's stacy. she's my assistant. well, she says if i hurt you again, she's gonna find out where i live. she's a good assistant. oh! cream in your coffee o.k.? yes, thank you very much. o.k. oh, god. i'm just gonna leave you two alone. or i could stay. what are you doing here? in front of carter? he wants to stay. there's nothing i can do. i'm very pushy. i'm not really sure what i'm doing here, mike and carter. uh, tomorrow's valentine's day, and there's no one i wanna be with, so i don't have a date for the first time in 18 years. and i know that sounds really stupid, but the streak was important to me. well, that's just shallow. i really miss you, mike. how much? well, i don't really know how to answer that. give it a numerical value. 82? wow! this is gonna be the worst valentine's day ever. i am getting a million phone calls, but no one has invited me to skeet eldridge's party. i feel for you. nikki, that cute guy from accounting with the kid. yes, kevin. he wants you to call. yes! he's hoping you can baby-sit for him tomorrow night. you know, stacy, if you wanna go to skeet eldridge's party... you're really good friends with him, and you'd love to take me. yeah, right. no, i'm not friends with him. my sister was his neighbor for a while, and i got to meet him. he's a good guy. i'm not making up some elaborate lie just to spend time with you. i'm going, and if you wanna go, i'd love the company. i would love that. no problem. ? and i don't think i was ready before, but now i... better? mike, i'm not gonna bite. i may nibble a bit, but i... no, there will be no nibbling, o.k.? you--you just can't come back here and--and--and snack on me. mike flaherty... is an entree. mike, i couldn't make a commitment before because i was just so proud of myself for being independent. but now i realize you were the best thing that ever happened to me. all right, look, laurie. when you walked out on me, i just swore that i would never let myself be that vulnerable again. you know, it's--it's not worth the risk. and if you--if you can't deal with that, hey, i understand. i love you. nice pitch. all right. you know, this--this is going too fast. i just--i need a second to think. all right, be strong.focus on the negative. look, she's crackingher knuckles. you hate that. listen to how loudit is when she doesthe other hand. (loud cracking) uh, laurie... i'm sorry, but, uh, i just don't think this is what i need in my life right now. make love to me. o.k. i had a wonderful lunch. oh, and here's your inhaler. you know, it's so strange for you to be having an asthma attack in the middle of february. oh, paulie. you are so romantic. i know. it's a gift. (inhales) can't wait to make an honest woman out of her. show us how you're gonna propose, paul. demonstrate on nikki. o.k. great. this probably won't do any long-term damage. you gotta get down on one knee. where's the ring? mike has it in his jacket. o.k., o.k. forget the ring. just look into my eyes. those aren't my eyes. claudia, i know that you've been wanting to do this for a long time, and you're not getting any younger, right? so i figure, what the hell? here. tough break, paul. mike, do you remember how committed you were when we were together before? i feel the same way now. really? yeah. because i--i would have done anything for you. i'm right there, mike. i would have given you unconditional love. i can do that. i would have let you play with my breasts all day. that's what the weekends are for. you know, laurie... i was ready to marry you. oh. what, are you trying to make me feel guilty? come on. you have any food? i got a beer. i got something the laws of chemistry will no longer allow me to call a salad. oh, i got ketchup. you're definitely a man. if you're really starving, i have--i have a mint in my jacket pocket. wow, you weren't kidding. the answer's yes. happy valentine's day. uh, stuart. look, i was kind of rotten yesterday, and you're doing a really nice thing here. so you have to understand, i don't expect this from a guy like you. you're the guy who named a web site after me. you know, it's gone national. so computer geeks all over america are downloading pictures of my butt? yep. i like that. and you're welcome. where's mike? i got 40 bucks to put down toward the ring. you took that money from my petty cash jar. oh, i'll pay you back later. this whole proposal thing is turning into a disaster. we are stepping in. we've got the whole thing planned. you're gonna propose at the press conference today. tonight, you'll turn on the evening news-- bam! there you'll be popping the question. just go out there and read the proposal that james wrote. you've never been more eloquent. well, of course i'm eloquent. it's from my heart. there's gonna be a band, balloons-- wait. how much is this gonna cost me? about the price of a nice dinner. for one or 2? this really caught me by surprise, mike. knocked me off my feet. well, you know, you said yes so quickly. you had it on your finger and called your mom before i could exhale. oh, god, check out the rock, mike. it's just-- oh, i'm sorry. i, uh... just came in because i wanted to talk about how we should handle the washington heights situation. i was just bored. carter: hi, kids. hi. so, you guys do anything fun yesterday? uh...nothing big. i gotta run. happy valentine's day, guys. see you later, fiance. she used the "f" word. what have you done? everything after that was a blur. you didn't tell her you were just holding that ring for paul, that you had no thoughts of marriage whatsoever? it didn't come up. and to tell you the truth, carter, you know, i wasn't thinking about marriage then... but, well, maybe i am now. well, you should be. you're engaged. mike, i absolutely must have the ring, and i will not leave until you hand it over. fine. give me the money. i'll see you later. mike, this is not the way you decide if you're gonna spend your life with someone. i'll figure this out on my own, o.k.? besides, the last serious relationship you were in was 4 years ago, and you're not even over that yet. hey, i am over spence. he left a message on my answering machine the other night. just called to say hi. hi. what's he trying to say?! how am i supposed to... oh, yeah, you're a rock. mike, let me tell you a little bit about marriage. sir, i met laurie when she was your ex-wife's divorce lawyer. well, that about sums it up. at the end of your proposal, you have to say, "i love you, baby." "baby" is the band's cue. baby, gotcha. uh, ladies and gentlemen. before i take any questions, i'm just gonna share the most important moment of my life with you all. uh... excuse me. oh, no. a 3-alarm blaze has burned down a low-income housing residence, leaving 9 families homeless, including 7 children and a baby. wrong baby. no! will--will you marry me? well, we're not really young lovers. oh, come on, stuie, please? we'll have something to remember the night. stuie? yeah. the night i went to skeet eldridge's party. i'm only kidding. take one of the both of us. there you go. that'll be 45 bucks. oh, wait. take another one. i wasn't smiling. no, no, no! that one's fine. you know, you look different. what is it? oh, you don't have your glasses on. i didn't know you wore contacts. i don't. my vision's not as bad as you think it is. stacy? i'm over here, mr. magoo. come on. we're in the front of the line. hey. we'll go in when we want. we're not on the list, are we? of course we are. excuse me, sir? the (slurs words) party's here. excuse me? jones. miller. there we are. chang. why don't you just try bondek? 'cause i never use my real name... bondek. here it is. party of 2? come on in. let me see that. hey, it's there. are you surprised? it's just that... scoot knows me as chang. skeet. whatever. whatever. check out the rock. laurie, about the rock. the ring mechanic called... and it needs to be realigned. the ring is perfect. you know what i see when i look into this ring? i see our future. i see our kids, i-- the man of my dreams. you see all that in there? don't you? let me take a look. oh, wow. look, there i am. i have no hair. so, stuart, how'd you get us into that party? i amaze you, don't i? stuart, i got us into that party, and, yes, you do amaze me. hey, how'd you do it? a friend of mine was helping throw the party, and he told me that you weren't on the list. wow. wow. busted. listen, stuart... you knew you could not get us into that party, and you knew you were gonna make an absolute fool of yourself trying to, and that's really sweet. yeah. so are we gonna sleep together, or what? that is definitely not a poodle named tiffany. that is a black lab named rex. look at us. i see us fighting over which dog to get. oh, i see me winning. no, i see me letting you think that. i see us in couple's counseling. can i ask you something? how'd you know to say yes? i looked into your eyes, and...i knew you were the person i wanted to spend the rest of my life with. you mind if i try that? uh, laurie, i'm afraid i have to tell you something. the first time. will you marry me? before we take any questions, i'd just like to share the most important moment of my life with you all. why did you do that? this was supposed to be a big surprise. i can't do it this way. claudia, there's something i have to say to you face to face. yes, paul? there was this fire... whole families left homeless. oh, and a baby. happy valentine's day. man: sit, ubu, sit. good dog. (barking) moo. is it about sex i hear that's how ben and jerry come up with their flavors. it must have been a wild night when chunky monkey was born. so now that we're engaged, do you think our sex life will slow down? i hope so. what? well, i mean the sex is great. i'm putting on a lot of weight here. have you thought about a date for our wedding? i kind of assumed i'd be taking you. oh, my. gee, a lifetime of jokes like that-- how lucky can a girl get? mmm. no, mike, we really-- we should start planning, you know. there's a lot of things to talk about. we have some of our best conversations during sex. no, we don't. you sound like a tv evangelist, mike. yeah. "oh, lord. oh, god. oh, lord, i can see." at least i don't sound like a driving instructor. "slow down, slow down. "look out for the bus." i want to remind all of you that running new york city is our job. and city hall is the nerve center of that job. and as city hall goes, so goes new york city. so i'll ask you one more time again... who jammed the snack machine... by using canadian coins? james, when you put a coin in one of uncle sam's snack machines, it likes to see a dead president on that coin, not a maple leaf... not a beaver. i can't believe the snack machines are down. now how am i gonna get my afternoon ding dong? i can take care of that for you. on a non-snack- related note, the first-quarter reports are due. stacy, you're gonna have to type them up, so you'll be working all week. you're kidding. mike, i have a new boyfriend. stacy, please. let's act like an adult, shall we? let's not forget the new rule. if one of us works late, we all work late. (whining) mike, that's no fair! i hate this place! everybody, don't tell claudia that i proposed to her on tv, because she doesn't know yet, o.k.? all: yeah, whatever. in fact, today i'm whisking her off to a spa, where she's gonna spend most of the day in a sensory deprivation tank. wouldn't your apartment suffice? mike, i'm gonna need the ring back. you mean the ring that laurie is right now, as we speak, wearing as her engagement ring? paul, i paid for that ring, which is what they go by when they're figuring out whose ring it is. but thanks for stopping by. janelle, i'm gonna need-- what? what is it? we just can't believe you're engaged, mike. that's right, ladies. you can stop roaming the aisles. the bachelor store is fresh out of flaherty. have no fear. there is a huge shipment of stuart, and it is priced to move. then move. you know, a person could do a lot worse than mike. (blandly) yeah. (theme fromthe dick van dyke show plays) (thud) oh, mike! are you all right, honey? you know, after tripping over that thing every day for 2 years, you'd think i'd learn. (laughter soundtrack) how was your day at city hall? oh, boy, don't ask. you know, if it would help, i'd be happy to come work at the office. you know i don't want you working. i want you shopping and going to the salon and taking care of little mikey. here. mike wants you to organize the books for the entire first quarter and give him a summary. (mimicking mary tyler moore) oh, mike! you have to eat healthier.