msnbc, donald trump's running mate mike pence accidentally referred to trump as his opponent. which is ridiculous. everyone knows trump is his own opponent. [ laughter and applause ] gotta stay -- got to stay out of your way, buddy. donald trump said at a rally yesterday that republicans who want to run in 2020 don't have even a little bit of a chance of beating hillary clinton. wo [ laughter and applause ] trump supporter newt gingrich, last night, accused fox news's megyn kelly of being fascinated with sex by continuing to report on women accusing donald trump of inappropriate behavior. newt, there's a difference between being fascinated by sex and being horrified by sexual assault. it's kind of like beyonce and rihanna. according -- according to the "new york times," donald trump once stormed off a mountain after his then-wife ivana proved to be better at skiing than he is. though he is proving to be pretty good at sliding rapidly downhill. [ cheers and applause ] microsoft announced a free update to windows today that allows users to take photos and edit them in 3-d. critics are calling it the most exciting thing you'll evler -- ever explain to your grandma. [ light laughter ] you'll elvol explain to your grandma. a group of scientists recently found two undiscovered moons near uranus. said president obama, "yeah, i get it, joe. [ light laughter ] very funny. very funny, joe." [ applause ] the ceo of starbucks announced today that the company will open oh, i'm sorry. was my $5 latte the cheap stuff? [ laughter ] have i been slumming it up 'til now, starbucks? [ applause ] a man destroyed donald trump's star on the hollywood walk of fame last night using a sledgehammer. "actually it was a gavel," said paul ryan. [ laughter ] a school in california is testing a new program that forgoes traditional teachers and has students teach and grade so good luck to the students at straight as academy. [ light laughter ] and finally apple's chief designer is working on building a custom christmas tree for a hotel in london. and so is samsung. [ laughter and applause ] ladies and gentlemen, we have a great show for you tonight. she is a fantastic actress. her new film "love & friendship," which is excellent, is streaming on amazon. he's one of those guys you meet and it turns out is exactly as wonderful a person as you would have thought. colin hanks from cbs's "life in pieces" back with us tonight. [ cheers and applause ] looking forward to our two fantastic guests. before we get to that, the presidential campaign turned to the issue of health care yesterday, as the obama administration announced that premiums for obamacare would rise next year. this was a golden opportunity for the trump campaign, one they predictably misplayed. for more on this it's time for "a closer look." ?? [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: trump's task with less than two weeks to go is to appeal to voters beyond his base. now, you'd think some bad obamacare news might help him with that, but the trump campaign never misses the opportunity to miss an opportunity. first, at an event yesterday, trump tried to tout what he claimed was his support from "blacks for trump." i like those signs. [ cheers ] blacks for trump. you watch. >> seth: first of all, black people don't call themselves "blacks." [ light laughter ] but it turns out that was only the second worst thing about that sign. >> blacks for trump. you watch. you watch. those signs are great. thank you. [ laughter ] >> seth: either that lady doesn't know what sign she's holding or her husband got an earful on the drive home. "oh, you said we'd make it to the rally in plenty of time. but were there any 'women for trump' signs when we got there? no. so i guess now i'm a black." [ laughter ] then later that night, trump supporter and former house speaker newt gingrich, instead of seizing on the obamacare news, got into a bizarre fight with fox news anchor megyn kelly, accusing her of being obsessed because she has the audacity to report on trump's history of sexual >> i mean, you want to know why donald trump's had a rough time -- >> if trump is a sexual predator, that is -- >> he's not a sexual predator. you can't say that -- >> okay, that's your opinion. i'm not taking a position on it. >> you cannot defend that statement. >> i am m not taking a position on it. >> now i'm sick and tired of people like you using language that's inflammatory that's not true. you want to go back to the tapes of your show recently? you are fascinated with sex and you don't care about public policy. >> me? really? >> that's what i get out of watching you tonight. >> you know what, mr. speaker? i'm not fascinated by sex. i'm pretty sure newt gingrich is the cure. [ laughter ] but, of course, the core of gingrich's rage is his belief there is too much focus on the sexual misconduct of donald trump, the gop nominee, and not enough of the misconduct of bill clinton, the spouse of the democratic nominee. >> do you want to comment on whether the clinton ticket has a relationship to a sexual predator? >> we on "the kelly file" have covered that story as well, sir. >> i just want to hear you use the words. i want to hear the words "bill clinton, sexual predator." i dare you. say "bill clinton, sexual predator." >> seth: you dare her? is this an interview or a middle school sleepover? [ laughter ] "and if you don't accept my dare, you have to tell the truth -- do you think i'm handsome?" [ laughter ] but don't worry, just when it seemed like kelly had gotten the last word, gingrich was ready with a sick comeback. >> the polls also show -- >> he'll be -- >> that the american public is less interested -- >> he'll be in the east wing. >> in the deeds of hillary clinton's husband than they are in the deeds of the m president, donald trump. we're going to have to leave it at that and you can take your anger issues and spend some time working on them, mr. speaker. thanks for being here. >> and you t -- and you too. you too. >> seth: "and -- and you -- and you too. you also, megyn and to you as well. i say the same in return back to you." [ laughter ] [ applause ] now, all of this underscores just how incompetent team trump would be a political gift, when the obama administration announced that health insurance premiums would rise next year by an average of more than 20%. now, that's bad news on the surface, but it's still in line with the projections made by the congressional budget office. obviously, obamacare is a nuanced, complicated issue that requires sober analysis and discussion, or as donald trump put it -- >> it's killing our businesses. it's killing our small businesses. it's killing individuals. us, china is killing us, political correctness is killing us. trump always frames things in the most hysterical way possible. god forbid president trump ever has to deal with a slight dip in gdp. he'd probably tweet, "it's a depression, every man for himself. eat your neighbors." [ light laughter ] now, the context is important here. those increases will only affect the small percentage of consumers who get insurance on the individual market. most people get it from their jobs or government programs like majority of people who do get insurance through obamacare will get increased subsidies to offset those costs. in fact, most people using obamacare will be able to find plans for less than $75 a month. compare that to the average cable bill in this country, which is $103 a month. although for $103 you do get excellent medical advice on tv, like this. >> please welcome the world's only talking large intestine. can i massage you? >> oh, you know we colons always like a good massage. but only from the outside, please. >> seth: wait. if that's the only talking colon, then who's this? [ laughter and applause ] now, there are lots of different ideas for improving health care in this country that we should have a serious debate about, like letting more people enroll in medicare or strengthening the individual mandate. but unfortunately, one of our two presidential candidates seems much less interested in having that discussion than he is in plugging his own businesses. yesterday, trump held an event breaking, he spent most of his time advertising the resort. now, remember, this is a presidential candidate two weeks away from the general election and he chose to spend his time talking about this. >> we're very proud of this. it's 800 acres in the middle of miami. we could have renovated the inexpensive way with paint, but instead we ripped it down to the steel. if you look at the ballroom, that was a brand-new ballroom that didn't exist. we took it down to the absolute and i must tell you, the land is great, the golf courses are -- you know, the blue monster is one of the great courses in the world. it's a brand-new blue monster. we had a construction crew here of 1,600 people. we did it under budget. although i did increase the scope of the work, because we decided to use the finest marbles. >> seth: "we used the finest marbles." oh, are they the same marbles that you have clearly lost? [ laughter ] trump even managed to add a layer of discomfort by inviting his own employees to come on him, and joking that if they didn't, they'd lose their jobs. >> i thought maybe one or two of the folks would like to come up and say a few words. if you want, anybody would like to say a few words about working for trump? anybody? anybody back here? come on, come on. [ cheers ] i hope she's going to say good. you want to come up? come up. no, come on up. anybody over here? you want to say? come on up. guy better say good or i'll say, "you're fired." i'll say, "who is that guy? you're fired." >> seth: what's worse? your boss saying, "you're fired" or your boss saying, "who is that guy? you're fired." [ laughter ] eventually trump did get around to story of the day, the rise in the obamacare premiums, but in a way that didn't quite make sense. >> i can say all of my employees are having a tremendous problem with obamacare. >> seth: what are you talking about? obamacare is for people who don't have health insurance, but your employees do get health insurance from you. just ask the general manager of your own resort who tried to >> i'd say 99% of our employees are insured through the hotel. through our insurance. and maybe there's a few that are insured through obamacare. i would say -- and i haven't gone through the records, but over 95% without a doubt. >> seth: "also, i should go work on my resume, because i'm pretty sure i'm about to get fired and yep, i see him pointing at me and, yes, i'm fired." [ laughter ] so after a day in which he lacked a cohesive attack on obamacare and instead wasted time singing the praises of one of hol think trump would change his approach. surely he wouldn't spend a second day plugging one of his businesses in a non-swing state less than two weeks away from the election, right? >> donald trump is taking time off from the campaign this morning for the grand opening of his new hotel in washington. he's at the ribbon cutting right now. >> one of the great hotels anywhere in the world. we're going to now be cutting a ribbon. why don't you bring them up? that's right. come on. this beautiful. >> seth: he's never seen scissors that beautiful before? he can't even comment on inanimate objects without making it sound like he wants to have sex with them. [ laughter ] "these scissors are gorgeous. and there was a stapler backstage. i got her number, too." [ laughter ] as for obamacare, it's a huge improvement, but it also is imperfect. it has problems, and we need serious ideas for how to make it better. but the reasons republicans haven't proposed any real plans that fix or replace obamacare is because they don't have any. and the guy they nominated for pr unfortunately, for the republican party, it's too late to repeal and replace him with something better. this has been "a closer look." ?? [ cheers and applause ] we'll be right back with more "late night," everybody. 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(announcer vo) only verizon gives you the best value. get the quality network you want and all the data you need without all the surprise overages and restrictions. switch now and get 20 gigs and four lines for 160. ?? [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back, everybody. please give it up for the 8g band right over there. [ cheers and applause ] also, sitting in with the band this week, an incredible musician from right here in new york city, one of our favorite guest drummers to have on the show. allison miller, everybody, right over there. [ cheers and applause ] be sure to check out some of allison's drumming tips over at reverb.com. always a pleasure have you here, allison. now, here at "late night" every night, i deliver a monologue comprised of jokes. these jokes have been written by a diverse team of writers. and because of that diversity, as a result of it, a lot of jokes come across my desk that, due to my being a straight, white male, would be difficult for me to deliver. but we don't think that should stop you from enjoying them. so we'd like to share them with you in a segment called, "jokes seth can't tell." ?? >> seth: these are two of our writer, amber and jenny. >> i'm black. >> and i'm gay. >> and we're both women. >> seth: and i'm not. so, how this works is i'll read the set-ups for these jokes and amber and jenny will read the punch lines. here we go. a new york state senate candidate is facing criticism after saying he planned to hand out kool-aid, kfc, and watermelons in harlem to court black voters. >> "we are outraged", said black >> seth: a writer for wonder woman recently said in an interview that wonder woman is bisexual. >> while a writer for batman and robin didn't have to. [ laughter ] >> seth: very nice. yeah, yeah. the first black formula 1 racer, lewis hamilton, won his seventh race of the season on sunday. >> this might have been due to the fact that second place was a police car. [ audience ohs ] >> seth: i'm so glad i didn't tell that one. [ laughter ] okay. oh, wait, no, sorry. this next one's about puerto ricans. we can't do it. >> oh, i'm actually puerto rican. >> seth: oh, okay, then we can. all right, here we go. a recent power outage in puerto rico left millions without power for three days. >> "sorry," said the landlord of that building. [ light laughter ] >> yes, muchas personas en lugar pequino. [ laughter ] >> seth: all right, here we go. recently a white woman was seen at a trump rally holding a "blacks for trump" sign. >> said black people, "it's not like we were using it." [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: it was announced recently that a popular web series about a lesbian vampire will be turned into a feature film. >> a lesbian vampire is just like a regular vampire, except she loves having sex when you're on your period. [ audience ohs ] >> seth: oh! >> oh! >> seth: put that in "jokes jenny can't tell." [ laughter ] woo! we're off and running now, guys! >> woo! [ light laughter ] >> seth: in response to several incidents of clowns attacking people, a group of clowns lives matter" movement, except with fewer wigs. [ light laughter ] >> seth: i don't get it. do black people wear a lot of wigs? >> yeah. fake hair is fun. >> seth: oh, so is that your real hair? >> you can't ask me that. >> seth: oh. can jenny ask you that? >> no. >> seth: do lesbians wear wigs? >> no! we barely wear chapstick. >> seth: okay, cool. [ light laughter ] i'm learning about a lot. >> yeah. hey, seth, why don't you try to tell one? s >> why? >> c'mon, just one. >> seth: because i think i'll get in a lot of trouble. >> no. >> only good things can happen if you try. >> seth: okay, fine. but before i do, amber, i just want to say whether it's a wig or not, your hair looks beautiful. >> thank you. [ light laughter ] it's real, it's real. >> seth: okay. here we go. rachel mcadams and rachel weisz are starring in an upcoming lesbian love drama. "i should bring tissues", said a guy who had no intention of crying. >> seth: what? you told me it would be okay! >> you should be ashamed of yourself! >> seth: you told me it would be okay! black women and lesbians are liars! ?? [ applause ] we'll be right back with kate beckinsale. 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[ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back to "late night," everybody. our first guest tonight is a very talented actress you know from films like "the aviator" and the "underworld" series. she stars in "love & friendship", which is now streaming on amazon prime. let's take a look. >> the fallacy of youth. isn't it rather clear that it is we, the women of decision who hold the trumps. >> lady susan. lady susan vernon? >> how dare you address me, sir? >> lady susan. >> be gone, sir, or i will have you whipped. >> outrageous. have you never met him? >> no, i know him well. i would never speak to a stranger like that. [ laughter ] >> seth: please welcome back to [ cheers and applause ] ?? >> seth: welcome. >> hi. >> seth: how are you? >> very well, all right. >> seth: i was worried, because you posted on social media that you were suffering from a flu that you described as "medieval." >> yeah, medieval flu. it was that sort of thing where all the peasants in "braveheart" suddenly die. it was that thing. >> seth: you thought you had that? >> i did have it. i got rashes and terrible muscle aches, and you know, it was awful. but, i'm all right now. i'm not contagious. i'm not going to let you -- >> seth: okay, good. well, that was -- it was too late for you to tell me you're not contagious. [ light laughter ] because we've already engaged in a way that was too late. >> i know. >> seth: yeah. >> i saw the fear in your eyes as well. i did. >> seth: first of all, congratulations on the film. i adored it. >> oh, thanks. >> seth: it's so wonderful. >> thank you. >> seth: and this is about you -- you know, it's jane austen, based on a jane austen novella, right? >> yes. >> seth: and lady susan, you play a widow trying to find love again. >> yeah. >> seth: and it could be considered salacious. that is from, you know, 1800s. >> i know, it's funny. we've had these screenings in kind of very trendy, hispter places in san francisco. i'm pretty sure everyone in the audience has seen animals having sex, you know. >> seth: yeah. >> to disco music, you know because porn is so readily available, apparently. >> seth: it is readily available. [ light laughter ] you have to tip your cap to pornography. it's really getting itself out there. >> i've heard of it. i've heard it's everywhere. so, yeah, so the fact that they're kind of watching this woman in a, you know, fancy dress and going, "she nev -- oh, my god," you know. it's quite sweet, actually. >> seth: yeah, and you play sort of a very cug, you're sort of the villain of the film. >> sort of, but you like her. >> seth: you do. >> yeah. >> seth: i find you very likable. >> thanks. oh, thank you. >> seth: you're a likable villainess. >> despite my medieval flu and every other thing that's wrong with me. >> seth: but would you -- you do strike -- lady susan is sort of -- i believe what donald trump would maybe refer to as a nasty woman. do you think that's accurate? [ laughter ] >> i would quite like to see him try to grab a bite of [ bleep ]. >> seth: yeah. [ laughter ] >> we're ready. we're ready in here. >> seth: because it's so hard in that era, because there's so many layers. >> seth: it's really hard to get to it. >> but, when there's a will, there's a way. >> seth: when there's a will, there's a way. [ light laughter ] i feel like if he really wanted to, he could. do you find -- now, i've always been a fan of jane austen films. >> have you? >> seth: and books, but some men are put off. >> some men don't like it. and they have to be sort of sexually coerced, i think, into going. >> seth: sexually coerced how? >> well, like, come and see this movie with me and i'll sort you out later when we get home. >> seth: oh, i see. >> i've heard. i mean, i haven't had to do that, but i've heard it's a thing. movie. i think it's funny. >> seth: see, i've always like jane austen because i think i'm turned off -- turned on, i should say, by sarcastic women in corsets. that's, like, my thing. >> well, what's not to like? [ laughter ] >> seth: yeah. >> in my opinion, yeah. >> seth: every jane austen film, it's just, like, very heavily corseted, sarcastic women. >> yes. >> seth: and i realize that, "oh, wow. that's my thing." >> that's your type. [ laughter ] >> seth: yeah, i have a type, and it's that. >> that's your type. >> seth: i've also -- i will admit that i've been incredibly turned on over the years by jane austen -- by the men in jane austen adaptations. >> because of the breeches. >> seth: just the breeches. i like a wet colin firth, i didn't realize. >> yes. [ laughter ] until i saw it, i didn't realize i need it. >> no, you don't know you're going to like it. >> seth: yeah. >> it's like lots of things like that. a wet colin firth. you weren't waiting for it. but then, when it was there, you were like, "oh, thank god." >> seth: oh, my goodness. you were like, what was i doing yesterday -- >> yeah, yes, exactly. >> seth: before i had a wet colin firth in my life. >> and now, i've got a wet colin firth fetish. >> seth: yeah. >> yeah. >> seth: also, it was great to see you and chloe sevigny. you worked with her before in "last days of disco." >> yes! >> seth: which is a film i love, same director. >> same director, and we all got back together. it was 1901 when we shot that, so now, we've got cell phones and everything. it's a whole different deal. >> seth: that's fantastic. yo was not aware of, but thanks to social media, you have shared it with the world. >> what is it? >> seth: you're an artist of sorts. >> am i? >> seth: this is a photo you put on social media. >> oh. >> seth: and look at -- that's just such -- [ laughter ] >> it's not hard. i mean, it's not -- ha ha. it's not hard. it's not hard in the sense that it's not difficult. >> seth: oh, wow. are you really saying -- [ laughter ] >> doesn't help. >> seth: do you really think anyone could do this, kate? >> clearly -- >> seth: don't sell yourself short. >> you know, you do have to have an eye, and you do obviously >> seth: right. >> which i have in spades. >> seth: yeah, because this is not -- this is not a one-off photo. >> no, it's not. i do that quite a lot. >> seth: yeah, you, in fact, sent us 30 photos today. [ laughter ] and i want to point out, because a lot of people -- i will say, like, bananas, apples, that's the obvious one. >> always funny. >> seth: but, you can do it -- i mean, kate. >> oh, yes. >> seth: your range. >> well. [ laughter ] >> seth: now, i want to ask, because there's a series you sent -- these are all outside the same -- it looks like a hotel room door. [ laughter ] l into bullying is what we did that. >> seth: oh, so you -- so where -- whose hotel room door is this? this was -- >> it was a very, very nice actor called jim sturgess. that's a thin one. >> seth: i hate this. >> yeah. [ laughter ] >> seth: like, that one makes me sad with everything. >> that's never popular with anyone. >> seth: no, because nothing would be worse than that girth and that length. [ laughter ] >> that -- no. that's what we call "packing a chive." [ laughter ] >> seth: yeah. >> yeah. >> seth: is that a british term, or is that sort of universal? >> i think it might be british. >> seth: so this is the co-star of yours, and then, every day he have -- [ laughter ] >> sure, so it was like love bombing. i think it strayed into bullying, but i felt very positive about it. >> seth: every time you did it, you felt -- now, when you go in the grocery stores is there a panic in the produce section? [ laughter ] >> no, but i do -- i have to know what i'm getting because i can't -- i could be there all day. do you know what i mean? >> seth: of course. >> there's so much. >> seth: yeah, it's like -- >> there's so much available to make into a -- >> seth: a picasso going into a paint store, you know? >> yeah. >> seth: you're just there. >> yes. >> seth: and you've gotten this obsession with this part of the male body has gotten you in with that part of the male body. i like arranging fruits and veg into the -- i like the fruit version. it's not like i'm obsessed with just all people's -- >> seth: okay, gotcha. >> penises.e >> seth: this seems like a very thin distinction between what you're doing and what i'm saying you're doing. [ laughter ] >> hey, it's funny if it's made out of a couple of -- it's not always funny in real life. >> seth: right. >> it's always funny if it's vegetables and fruits. >> seth: well, it depends. [ laughter ] yeah, you're right. >> it is. >> seth: i guess i should be happy that it's not always funny. >> no, exactly. imagine how excited you are when you get to the hotel room and >> seth: oh, my god. >> it's just really -- [ laughter ] >> seth: so when kate beckinsale sees a lychee, she just must lose her mind. >> oh -- foaming at the mouth. [ laughter ] >> seth: but you've gotten your daughter in trouble with this. >> i did once. i mean, i think i was just doodling one and i didn't realize -- >> seth: just doodling in case. >> it's become like my sign. it's, like, my bat sign. >> seth: okay, got you. >> people know i've been there if their fruit bowl's been rearranged. that sort of the thing. and, i had four brothers growing up. >> seth: okay, got you, understood. >> so, anyways, so i think i had sort of been on the phone and and she got in trouble for it. [ audience ohs ] >> seth: and when her teacher found it, what did she say? >> she said, "look, lily, that's not appropriate." and lily said, "look, i don't even know -- it was my mother." [ laughter ] >> seth: do you get called in and have to explain yourself? >> no, luckily, no. but, they don't look you in the eye. they think that's a terrible person, and quite rightly. i mean, rightly so. >> seth: yeah. >> that's a terrible thing to do. >> seth: that's a terrible thing to do. >> yeah. >> seth: not, you're -- you got into acting at a very young age. >> quite, yeah. >> seth: how -- when were you even started? >> like 17, 18-ish. >> seth: and, is your daughter, does she have the same love of >> yes, we failed, yes. >> seth: oh, you failed? so, she wanted it, too? >> yes. >> seth: and she actually -- you did a film where she played a younger version of you? >> yeah i did a film called "everybody's fine" with robert de niro and sam rockwell and drew barrymore, and all of us kids had to have younger versions of ourselves. and, they said, "oh, you know your daughter really looks like you. could she audition to play the young you?" and i thought, "my god, no." because if she doesn't get it, she's still gonna be on set. >> seth: yeah. >> and the other kids that did get it, and she's gonna be like -- >> seth: that would be a huge complex both, as an actor and a daughter to not get cast as a younger version ofr >> yeah, you know what i mean? it'd be like, "mommy dearest", you grow really weird. and anyway, so she did audition and get in it the end, and it was wild. my mom and i were here, and she had, you know, her first day where she to do this whole scene with robert de niro, like, grand central station. two pages, dialogue. you know, my little 7, 8-year-old baby is doing this scene with robert de niro. i'm just pouring sweat and freaking out, because it's so exciting. i had the picture of him on my fridge when i was at college. i felt really weird about it. anyway, so, so then after we got her back to the trailer, we were like, "what was it like? what was it like?" and she said, "oh, it was i just -- oh, i really wish he was famous." [ laughter ] >> seth: who did she want to be doing a scene with? >> spongebob? i don't know. she was 7. she didn't know who he was. >> seth: that's true. i guess at 7, it would be weird if she was a de niro real fan. >> yeah, you've not seen "goodfellas" at that point. >> seth: exactly. she's like, "oh, my god, 'taxi driver.'" >> yeah. >> seth: "i'm in awe of you, sir." >> no, the only error i failed is the drawing the cock on the homework. everything else, i have not let her watch unsuitable movies. >> seth: that's great. although, i think the teacher would say "taxi driver" was probably betteth >> seth: thanks so much for being here. >> thanks, seth. >> seth: i truly love the film, and congratulations you got nominated for a gotham award as well. [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you very much. >> seth: kate beckinsale, everybody. "love & friendship" is streaming now on amazon prime. we'll be right back with more "late night." 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[ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back! now, are you guys familiar with these dog-shaming websites? the way it works is people take a picture of their dog looking guilty next to a little sign that says what the dog did. here's an example. "i ate my daddy's here's another one. "i enjoy digging the flower beds up and eating mulch, because i'm bored." adorable. adorable. but these are all minor offenses. after searching around the internet, we found some websites featuring dogs that have done much, much worse things. we'd like to show them to you now in a segment we call "extreme dog shaming." ?? [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: extreme indeed. let's take a look at our first dog. aw, she looks adorable. "i text 'on my way' even when i haven't even left the house." [ laughter ] don't do that. bad dog. what's next? aw. what did you do, little guy? "i only recycle when other people are around." [ laughter and applause ] terrible. that's very terrible. who's next? now, this little buster brown, what did he do? "i hid my owner's samsung galaxy in the cat's bed." [ laughter and applause ] bad dog. clever dog. bad dog. who is next? oh, what a good guy. "i carry on full conversations in the comment sections of other people's instagram." [ laughter ] that's not what that's for. bad dog. who's next? adorable. a-dor-a-ble. let's see. "i gave rudy giuliani rabies." [ laughter and applause ] [ cheers ] okay. that makes sense. that makes sense. bad dog. who's next? antique rug." [ laughter ] bad dog. who is up next? aw, this guy's a cute fella. "i stop conversations to laugh at texts, so when you ask me what was funny, i say nothing." [ laughter ] the worst. that is the worst. who's next? oh, my heart is melting. what did you do, buddy? "i'm rooting for the cleveland indians." [ audience groans ] [ scattered cheers ] well, that's okay. yeah, that's okay. that's fine. no, wait, i'm sorry, there's more. "because i like their racist bad dog. who's next? there we go. this guy's adorable. "i organize dog shows just so i can go backstage and watch them get groomed." [ laughter and applause ] bad dog. who's next? oh, wow. look at this one. a bloodhound. "i was supposed to find an escaped convict, but instead i led the police department to a hot dog cart. they seemed fine with it." [ laughter and applause ] yeah, good for you then. who's next? what did this cutie do? "i call my owner an 'emotional support human,' so he can fly with me for free." [ laughter ] bad dog. industrious dog, but bad dog. who's next? oh, wait a minute, everybody. this is my dog, frisbee. [ audience aws ] frisbee, what did you do? "seth screams 'make america great again' when he climaxes." 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[ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back to "late night," everybody. our next guest is a talented actor who you know from shows its second season tomorrow night. please welcome back to the show, colin hanks, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ?? >> seth: how are you, my friend? >> i'm good, my friend, how are you. >> seth: good. it's always so lovely to have you here. >> thank you. >> seth: i feel like this time, i've you heard you have some advice for me. you have a 3r- 3-year-old daughter, yes. >> seth: and we're coming up on halloween and -- >> yes. >> seth: i'm coming into my first halloween. my 7-month-old, he's not quite -- obviously choosing costumes. but you have some advice on costumes. >> i have very, very important advice. >> seth: okay. >> when your child starts to speak and is able to verbalize his wants, needs, and desires at any given moment. when you ask them what they want for halloween, don't get the costume right away. >> seth: okay. >> wait. >> seth: got it. >> seth: i see. so, don't run out and think they're locked in? >> no. give them time to sort of window shop for the costume, so to speak. >> seth: did you learn this from experience? >> i learned this from experience. we learned the hard way. one of our first halloweens with our 5-year-old. she said that she wanted to be a pumpkin. >> seth: great. >> so, we got her a pumpkin outfit. then she wanted to be a monkey. so, we got her a monkey outfit. and then finally i just said, "you want to know what? want to be. you're going to be a mumkin." that's what you are. we're just going combine the two -- >> seth: gotcha, so she got to be a monkey pumpkin. >> but the youngest kid, the 3-year-old, last year she wanted to be something -- i don't remember what it was. because right before we were all about to go out trick-or-treating, she was just like, "i want to be in pajamas!" >> seth: okay! [ light laughter ] >> and so the family photo is a storm trooper, princess leia, >> seth: okay. >> a character from a kid's show that i've never heard of. >> seth: uh-huh. >> and then a kid in pajamas looking very confused. [ laughter ] like not quite sure what --oh, so this is halloween, like i don't understand. yeah, it's -- >> seth: i feel like she had a sense of this is about candy and i just want something loose and efficient. [ light laughter ] >> at that point she's like, "i don't know --oh, there's candy?" i'm very comfortable with this. >> seth: yeah. >> she was very comfortable. >> seth: so congratulations season two of "life in pieces." >>h, did we leave you end of season one coming into season two? >> well, let me see. it took about 20 episodes to find out what my character actually did for a living. >> seth: gotcha. was that by design? >> i don't know? >> seth: okay. did you know? >> i didn't know. >> seth: gotcha. so as an actor you had to play a man where you never knew what your vocation was. >> and people were asking me like, "so what does greg do?" i'm like -- and then in the 21st episode he quit that job. >> seth: okay. >> seth: sure, okay. >> and so greg comes up -- he came up with this idea for a baby monitor. maybe you would like this. but it's a baby monitor called "cry tunes." >> seth: "cry tunes." >> that converts a crying child into soothing music -- >> seth: oh, that's nice. >> or the music of your choice. >> seth: there you go. >> could be any kind of music. >> seth: that seems like a million dollar idea. >> he got fired or he quit, because he's not allowed to fund-raise his own idea on his website. >> seth: got it. >> and right when he quits his job he finds out that his wife child. >> seth: there you go. >> so, you know, laugh a minute. funny stuff. >> seth: laugh a minute, so you have two children on the show now -- gonna be. >> well -- i have two children in real life. >> seth: but now you're pregnant with your second one. >> oh, yes, pregnant with the second, yes. >> seth: last time you were here, you were talking about sometimes you'll pitch real life things to the writers and they'll use things-- >> yes. >> seth: and you did this again. >> we did this again. in the first season in the pilot episode, i pitched a story about how my wife and i were crying on the way to -- on the way home from the hospital. >> seth: yes. >> because it's the first kid. and very quickly we both the writers, because we don't want all that stuff incorporated. so i had actually pitched them an idea. i said, you know, husbands and wives, they always -- a lot of fights are always about the facial hair that the husband grows thinking he looks very cool and masculine when in fact he just doesn't. >> seth: yeah. >> so i said -- i pitched them. i said, "hey, how about i grow a beard, you know, this summer, then in first episode we can maybe have this episode where i have this beard." and then because our structure is so different on the show -- it's four short stories -- you know, in first story, i'd have the beard, then in the subsequent stories i have like a goatee or mutton chops or something like that. >> seth: sure, exactly. >> and they're like, "yeah, that's great. let's do it." so the first table read i show up and i read the script and there's no mention of greg in a beard and i go, "hey, are we -- am i keeping the -- we're doing you're going to have to shave that." >> seth: so you grew a beard for nothing? >> in the hottest summer i've ever had. [ laughter ] >> seth: did your real life wife like the beard? >> no! [ laughter ] >> seth: let's let the audience decide if it was a bad beard, because it's pretty obviously not great. >> so, i have a little bit -- [ laughter ] >> seth: how would you describe this beard? >> i describe it as the tri-color, because the red and the blond really doesn't quite match the brown. >> seth: yea w your beard. >> but very similar to you, now that there's children, there's a little gray in there. >> seth: yeah, exactly. >> so it's really a quad-color. >> seth: very similar to me. how dare you. >> well, it's just -- >> seth: there you go. that one here. that's a cool dude. i want to point out those are great glasses that don't save it. [ laughter ] those are really -- the guy who made those glasses is like, "oh, man." >> so they ended up -- you know, cut to four weeks later i have a fake beard that they have to glue on my face every day that made me the most miserable human and it was a combination of yak hair and -- >> seth: was it really yak hair? >> it was yak hair and human hair that looked great, didn't taste so good. >> seth: yeah. >> but they assured me that it was all cleaned and washed because, you know, we're professionals. >> seth: right, of course. you have a fantastic cast on the show, josh -- or, sorry, james brolin. >> james brolin. >> seth: and dianne wiest. >> dianne wiest, yeah. >> seth: dianne wiest you've given a nickname to. >> amazing. she is the sweetest, kindest woman, everything you think dianne wiest is -- >> seth: some lovely gravitas to dianne wiest. >> she's adorable. huge kanye west fan. >> seth: really? >> huge. she says, "colin, kanye is like this generation's bob dylan." she's obsessed with kanye. >> seth: wow. not a lot of women of her age, i would think, are huge kanye fans. >> knows all the words. raps along to his songs in the makeup trailer. so i gave her the nickname of dianne wiest to you, d-weezy. >> d-weezy. and she -- we had kurt warner came and did -- >> seth: ex-nfl quarterback. >> ex -- hall of famer -- >> seth: yeah, there you go. >> came and did a bit on the show. she introduced herself, she goes, "kurt warner, i'm dianne wiest but everyone here calls me d-weezy." [ laughter ] and i've never been more proud of a nickname in my entire life. [ laughter ] >> seth: congratulations. well done. >> thank you, thank you. >> seth: and always great to see you. thanks for being here. [ cheers and applause ] >> of course, my friend. >> seth: season two. of "life in pieces" airs tomorrow night, we'll be right back. dan: if a bad guy breaks into my house, i have every right to defend my home. and i will. i have no problem with background checks and good decent americans have a right to bear arms. bad guys? criminals? the dangerously mentally ill? we've made it way too easy ave a loophole where dangerous people can walk into a gun show and buy a gun, no questions asked. after that, they could walk into my house, or yours. and i'd rather they didn't have a gun. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: my thanks to kate beckinsale, colin hanks, everybody! allison miller, 8g band. stay tuned for carson daly. we'll see you tomorrow. [ cheers and applause ] ?? >> carson: hey gang it's carson daly, thank you so much for being here. it is "last call." coming up tonight the music "temples" we're going to do that