Blanche, you h but this time youve gone too far. Stop pacing up and down, you look like a cocker spaniel picking in the dog show. audience laughing why didnt you ask that rude bar villain up to my fishing cabin . I go up there to catch big mouth beast, not to live with them. Go over and ask. [harry] blanche, i have work to do. [blanche] i said, go over and ask george. I will not, and that is final. Alright, then ill go to the cabin with you. What . what . I thought you detested fishing. Well, i wont fish, but i was thinking it could be sort of like a second honeymoon for us, dear. And i can sit in your lap and we can cuddle by the fire. audience laughing blanche, i surrender. I will go over and ask that other big mouth beast. audience laughing joyful instrumental music george, although i am [george] good morning, harry. George, although i am the [george] harry, is sort of rude to come into somebodys house without saying good morning. [harry] good morning, george. Okay, start now, you see. [harry] although i am the raddison type, i trust you realize the full measure and extent of my feelings towards you. Well, harry, blanche and gracie are such great pals, we ought to try to be friends anyway. audience laughing george, will you never cease jesting . After all friendship is no laughing matter. Youre right, i was just pathetic. audience laughing look, anyway. I am here for a purpose. [george] so . To extend an invitation to you. As you know i am a devotee of the piscatorial art. [george] oh, i didnt know you painted. audience laughing what . Maybe a second honeymoon would be better. audience laughs nevermind, i couldnt stand that cuddling by the fire. audience laughing george, old man, would you like to spend a weekend at my cabin fishing . Harry, would you like me to spend a weekend at your cabin fishing . Absolutely not. You took the last sentence right out of my mouth. Then, how do we explicate our socialness insupportable clundery . Oh, that means you want me to go . audience laughing [harry] oh, no, no. [george] you dont want me to go. Why dont you tell blanche that ive got a pain on my back . Good well, ive taken care of my part of the bargain, ive invited you. Oh, george, thank you, thank you very much. joyful instrumental music ive got a little tiny suspicion that harry doesnt like me. But we have the same opinion of each other, except he uses ten dollar wines to tell me that he wouldnt give two cents for me and when i tell him the same thing i saved a fortune. audience laughs but he knows i dont have a pain on my back, its. Like when tony martin and his wife said youre a escape to a party and i thought id livened things up before dinner so i got up and sing a few songs and i was in the middle of tiger girl which is one of the numbers i made famous. audience laughing and them said game over, and said george, why dont you finish this after the dinner, the food is getting cold . I know it was little white lie because the food wasnt even on the table but, you see, her husband tony martin seems tuned, she didnt want me to take the edge of him. audience laughing and i sing one tone higher. audience laughs and while were reading the people at the table said, are you really gonna finish tiger girl after dinner . And i said, of course and then im going to sing time to leave so they wont fall down, in the hub of a cherry, it causes jane a can, as an empic married man and then im gonna do a few of my own numbers. audience laughing then the people left in the middle of dinner. audience laughs i thought they were rude, alright, so maybe the food wasnt so good. Youve got to know the difference between a little white lie and the great big whoppa. You know, take me, if i didnt known that the thousands of letters ive been getting the little white lies, i wouldnt be doing this monologue. audience laughing joyful instrumental music so ronnie is going to the calypso party, uh . Sounds exciting. Oh, yeah, and calypso himself is gonna be there. [george] calyp, calypso. . [gracie] aha, hes all the rage now. He and the kids will have a wonderful time dancing the belafonte. audience laughing ronnie is dancing the belafonte . I thought he was a singer. Well, he sang for me this afternoon but hes not as good as george. Well, hes made some wonderful records. Dont be silly if ronnie made a record id certainly know about it. Gracie, belafonte. Well, alright, but you have to teach it to me. Oh, no, no. Gracie. [blanche] oh, gracie is too bad about georges back. Whats the matter with georges back . Well, he had to refuse harrys invitation to go fishing. Harry said georges back is in terrible condition, he could hardly move. Oh, i should have realized it when i heard him sing this morning. You know, i though he was in pain. audience laughing well, didnt he mention it . No, no, but thats george for you. He doesnt want to worry me. He never complains when hes sick. You know, its hard to tell because he looks the same as when hes well. audience laughs well, its no wonder george is in that condition, he never gets any exercise. You should be the last one to criticize him, my poor husband is sick, and you want a belafonte with me. Gracie, maybe you should call a doctor. A doctor . Why . Friend of mine had a sprained back and he called this tony montenaro, fixed him up right away. During the season montenaro was the trainer for the rams. But you know, its hard enough to get george to a regular doctor, no, gracie, the rams. Thats a professional football team. Sure. And if he can help all those Football Players he certainly can help george. Oh, yeah, ill call him get him over here right away. I know, gonna get george on that table and gives him a workout hell feel much better. Well, i have to think about a way to get george on the table. I hope he doesnt sprain his back again while that man is working on him. How could he . Well, george is very ticklish you know. And the minute he laughs, hell jump off [ronnie] gonna take off, mom. [kathy guy hey, sara. Oh my gosh. Hes so cute. How do you know him . Cmon donovan, do it like i taught ya. Love the new tattoo, sara. Lets go dude. What . Dude, thats sara. Whos sara . The girl in the pink shirt. Thats the girl i was telling you about. Oh, thats sara. Theater two on your left. Hey sara, what color underwear today . Hey sara. So, when you gonna post something new . Announcer anything you post online, anyone can see. Family, friends. See ya later, sara. But you look like youve been closed and walked on from altona. audience laughing [ralph] mr. Burns, youre the bravest man ive ever seen. Being able to stand there and make jokes, we had so much agony with your bad back. Oh, i got a bad back. Oh, sure. What courage your body aching, wrapped with pain. The next two lines, it told that badge and left that bail, i wanted my key. audience laughing [ronnie] mother told us about your bad back. I wont go to the party. [george] really . [ronnie] but i can see youre alright cause youre standing up so straight. [ralph] well, naturally hes standing up straight. Its too much a pain for him to bend over. And if ronnie stays home youll take kathy. Yeah. audience laughs gotcha. Well, look, let me see how bad my back is. Come in, kathy. One, two, three, four. Yeah, my back is killing me. You can go to the party, ill stay with kathy. audience laughing [ronnie] bye, dad. [kathy] bye. [ralph] but mr. Burns, mr. Burns, if your back [george] have fun, have fun. audience laughs [ralph] to me, mr burns [george] out. audience laughing joyful instrumental music this desk will do fine, mrs. Burns. [gracie] oh, thanks, mr. Montenaro. Oh, hello. Oh, this is mr. Von zell, hes the gentleman that was sent for you. I can see why, but dont worry bud, if you workout some students theyre gonna fly after you. No, no, what . [gracie] no, no. And build up the chest, too. audience laughs he doesnt need any building, he looks fine, hes got more chest below his belt than most men have above it. audience laughing oh, thank you gracie, but look, oh, no, its my husband, his back is very soft. Oh, maybe threw out a muscle. George wouldnt that, he hasnt got any to stare. audience laughing well, ill straight him out. Ill give him the treatment i give the guys on the rams. Oh yeah, gracie, he keeps those fellows in Great Condition all season. Oh, wonderful. I dont have much trouble on loins, but i have to work pretty hard those backs and ends. Well, you wont have to work so hard today, with my husband its just his back. audience laughing this is fun, is like talking to the guys on the team. audience laughs thank you. Now im going to call my husband, but it wont be easy to get him on the desk, so let me handle it. George humming joyfully my wife calls me, she wants me so i have to come down cowardly what she wants, ill see, well see gracie and ronnie are my family audience laughing oh, such a brave man. Oh, anybody could. audience laughing whats, whats going on here . Well, nothing. This is mr. Montenaro. [george] oh, hello, mr. Montenaro. How are you doing . How are you doing now, get on the table, hes gonna measure you for a suit. On the table . Im gonna be measured for a suit . Yes, hes your new tailor. Right, mr. Montenaro . Right. Why do i have to get on the table . [gracie] well, he. Cuts the cloths on the table and, so, if he measures there he saves time. Right, mr. Montenaro . audience laughs right. He looks to me like hes ready to take some weight off me. [gracie] well, he is. He is . Yes, you see, thats to save you money. Save me money . Aha, the smaller you are, the less material hell have to use. [george] the less material. Yes. [gracie] right, mr. Montenaro . Right. audience laughing [george] yeah, but why does he has a shirt on that says rams . Why is that . [gracie] right, mr. Montenaro . [montenaro] right. audience laughing [george] thats right, youre both right, but why does it say rams . There must be a reason for it to say rams. [gracie] alright, alright. Wool. [gracie] aha, and where does the wool come from . Sheep. And who marries sheep . The rams, so. audience laughing right, mr. Montenaro . Right. [george] so i must get on the table . [gracie] yes, you get on the table. [george] before i do it id like to ask you one thing, whats the lemonade doing there . If you answer that ill get on the table. Oh, well, ive answered all the questions so far, and since this was your idea, harry you take it. So, it was your idea. audience laughing well, not exactly. The idea, about the wool, if it gets stiff, then hell be able to soften it. Right, mr. Montenaro . No. audience laughs [von zell] no . I like the way to live it on, its much better. audience laughs [gracie] well, thank you. Now, george get on the desk. While before i do you go over and get the mortons and bring them over here, i got something important to tell him. Oh, fine. Look, i know youre a trainer, theres nothing wrong with my back, so lets forget it, eh . Okay. [george] good. [von zell] oh, no, hold it a second, tony. Look now, george, youre only saying that because youre afraid of a little workout on the table. Oh, i know, its like when you got to the dentist, your teeth stop hurting. audience laughing no, no, no, i told that, harry. George, this is nothing to worry about. Now, i asked this man to come here, hes not going to hurt you [george] you get on top, you do it, you do it. [von zell] you want me to show you . [george] yeah, yeah, get on the table. Okay, buddy. [von zell] of course, this is ive me a little workout. George, this is the greatest thing in the world for you. Gently relaxes all the muscles. And, tony, get him the same treatment you give the rams. audience laughing bone cracking bone cracking audience laughing im glad hes not measuring me for that suit. audience laughing bone cracking bone cracking bone cracking audience laughing the rams, must go to the exit. audience laughing [tony] i bet youre feeling nice from this stuff, bud. audience laughs [von zell] i dont think i have a bone in my body. audience laughs [george] there it was, right down there. This is your idea, you know. audience laughing attaboy. You wanted to see us [george] harry, ive got some wonderful news. My back is all better and im going up to your cabin to spend the weekend fishing. Thats marvelous and blanche wants to go there for a second honeymoon so i hope you to will be very happy. audience laughs joyful instrumental music thank you very much. Gracie, anything new . Well, i just got a postcard from my aunt clara. Of course i dont what she says because i havent opened it yet. You got to open a postcard . Well, you see, the postman in the town where she lives is very nosy, so when aunt clara writes me she always puts it in an envelope, yes. [george] in an envelope . audience laughs there, well, no news, weve got nothing to talk about. Well, i can guess what the postcard says. Oh, good, good, we got a routine. audience laughs sure. It must be an invitation to the annual family picnic. This is the time of year we always hold it. Oh, you and alan having an annual picnic every year. Yes. And i remember i used to always fix the sandwiches, i used to put the mustard on the outside of every slice, so the people who like mustard didnt have to open the sandwich to see what was there. audience laughs the mustard was on the outside, but what was inside the sandwich . Nothing. [george] nothing, nothing. [gracie] if you like mustard that was enough. audience laughing if you dont like it then you wouldnt need it anyway. audience laughing yeah, whether if thats true, the sight for no food sounds like you had a nice time. But we had to save that for the eating contest. The eating contest . [gracie] well, sure. [george] really went for the whole work, uh . [gracie] one year my uncle hubie broke the family record. He ate 62 fried burgers . . . , and four blueberry pies, and all watermelon, and he won the first prize. What did he get . [gracie] a fivepound box of candies. audience laughing [george] a fivepound box of candies, that was a nice prize. Yes, but he gave it to me because hes on a diet. audience laughing he seems generous, he was always generous. Oh, yes, thats why he had to watch it. audience laughs the only one who gave us had to watch it . [gracie] yes. But hes generous. [gracie] yes. The only one who ever spoil the family picnic was my cousin mildred. Oh, shes such a big showup. Really . [gracie] yes, yes, always acting like shes better than the rest of us. One year she came to the picnic in a mink coat. In a mink coat to a picnic . Yeah, well, at least we thought it was mink until some baby rabbits came out of the woods and tried to nurse on the buttons. audience laughing well, they had a better lunch than the people who didnt like mustard. Oh, you know that threeleg racing. Yeah, although we dont talk about that. Why not . Well, one year my sister hazel didnt have a partner, so he teamed up with the fellow who drove the picnic bus. Oh, and they tied both their inside legs together. Yeah, and they won the race, but we couldnt get them untied. Well, that was bad. [gracie] oh, bad. On the way home every time he puts the foot on the brakes he nearly pull hazels zip out. audience laughing it must have been awful. It was even worse. Hazels zip was on the other side of the aisle. audience laughing well, we didnt she sit in the same seat by him. Because he was married, and she didnt want anyone to know she was with them. audience applauding joyful instrumental music hello anybody home you are and i am. audience laughs gracie laughs laughs gee, after that Wonderful Birthday Party you look fresh as a daisy. Oh why shouldnt i, i didnt get a year older, ronnie did. audience laughs oh, got to get him up. No what i meant was you didnt miss a dance and you dont look a bit tired. Well how could i get tired . Its the men who do the leading. Thats true the one who does the leading gets tired. I ought to know i danced with my harry all last night and im bushed. I cant get over the fact that ronnies 21 now. Yeah hes a man now and well have to treat him as one. Well as i was telling harry, ronnie seems like the same sweet little boy he always was, but harry disagrees. Oh . Yeah he feels hes more mature, that any day now, hell be swept away by some pretty face and fly the coop. Oh yeah well i know how you feel dear but some day i expect ronnie to do the same thing. What . Well i wouldnt worry if harry got tired of you he could also get tired of a pretty face too. audience laughs no honey you didnt understand i meant ronnie. Oh blanche why would ronnie get tired of you . And he loves us just as all of us do. audience laughs sure. Im gonna quit while im ahead. [gracie] hmm . audience laughs nothing. Speaking of old men, chasing pretty faces, how about that harry von zell and that young girl barbara he brought . Mhmm. The way he cavorted around in that paper hat and tried to dance every dance with her, i thought he was the one who was just over 21 yeah and dont forget how he explained it he said, youre only young once. Yeah. What a shame it didnt happen to him when he was young enough to enjoy it. audience laughs hi mrs. Morton. Hello ronnie. Ronnie. Today youre 21 and youre a man. You dont say hi to people you say, how do you do and shake hands. Oh how do you do mrs. Morton . How do you do mr. Burn. Now isnt that better . Come have breakfast. trumpet music after you mrs. Morton. Oh thank you mr. Burns. audience laughs blanche, a cup of coffee . Alright. Here you are. Thank you mother. Sugar . Oh yes please. Alright. Mother you know i only take two lumps. That was when you were a boy. audience laughs yeah youre a four lump man now. audience laughs mother what are you staring at . Oh im just admiring the wonderful work i turned out. audience laughs you know i can remember when you were just a boy. I had faith in you. I knew youd be a man someday. Well i had good start in that direction. And your father wanted a girl. You know im glad i disappointed him instead of you. audience laughs well certainly you cant please everybody. Good morning blanche. Good morning george. Well how do you do mr. Burns . How do you do mr. Burns . Oh man now huh . Yeah takes four lumps of sugar. Boy what a man. Only two lumps . Im a man too you know. Oh yes but youve been one so long sometimes i forget. audience laughs that was quite a sociable last night it broke up pretty late. Oh yes, everybody enjoyed themselves, but you topped the evening when you got up to sing. You know i could see people nudging each other and whispering, well here it comes. And you certainly let them have it. audience laughs i know it was a pretty good voice. Good voice . Well they can talk about singers like sinatra, crosby, or como but when you sing you make them all ashamed of their profession. audience laughs youre no peggy lee too you know. audience laughs i noticed you didnt wash my car this morning, what happened . Well i got up a little late but as soon as im through with breakfast i will. George, arent you ashamed of yourself . Asking ronnie to wash your car . Your sons a man now well he can put four cakes of soap in the water. audience laughs a man washes his own car. Or his father washes it for him, depending on which is older. audience laughs the only reason i asked ronnie to wash the car is that hes using it over the weekend. By the way where you going . Dont tell him ronnie. Why not . Well from now on he doesnt have to tell us anything. He can go where he wants, do what he pleases, come home when he likes, and we have no right tosk him where he was or even count the mileage on his speedometer anymore. audience laughs gracie wont you worry if you dont know where ronnie is