that's mine. i mean, i'm not that hungry. i just had a pigeon. what, uh, what seems to be the problem? well, it's my friends. they keep disappearing, you know? i mean, they're there one day and gone the next. that's kind of an occupational hazard, isn't it? yeah, but they're not leaving on their own. i mean, this place we live, the mission -- somebody's coming in there at night and hustling them out of bed someplace. kind of a bum's rush? [ laughs ] i don't make jokes about your job. dietrich... "occupation on the floss." what are you doing, a crossword, captain? yeah, 17 down -- "occupation on the floss." have you ever noticed that, uh, most of our conversations tend to be of an impersonal nature? well, i just thought, you know, maybe you knew -- i mean, we never have a normal, everyday conversation like you do with the other guys. want to have one now? sure. all right. how's everything going? so-so. how you doing? can't complain. how's mrs. miller? oh, fine, fine. your kids? good. what do you got, two of them? uh, david will be going into junior high school. rachel will be graduating from hobart in the spring. where's the time go, huh? beats me. what was that, 17 across? down. harris: uh, barney? excuse me. yeah. i'm sure you remember mr. brewer. ray. yeah, ray. how are you, ray? yeah. mr. brewer says that some of his colleagues have been dropping out of sight. he suspects there may be some foul play. was a nice neighborhood before the discos moved in. i'm gonna go check it out. we'll do what we can, mr. brewer. i'm seriously considering moving to the suburbs. yeah, but then you got the commute, you know, the yard, raking leaves. wojo: uh, barney? yeah, we'll take care of it. that was a call from a bar over on wall street -- got some hooker trying to solicit a law firm. all right, check it out. dietrich. miller. "occupation on the floss" -- it's "miller." oh. "mill on the floss" was a george eliot novel. right, right, yeah. setting was a mill, so the occupation -- yeah, yeah, i got it, dietrich. mail call, gentlemen. i'm not expecting anything. [ telephone rings ] 12th precinct. levitt. unless it's an emergency, no detectives are available at the moment. no, ma'am, i'm a uniformed officer, not a detective. well, it's mostly politics -- not what you know, but who you know. it's a sad state of affairs. i agree. it wouldn't hurt to write a letter. bye-bye. afternoon, sir. levitt. your mail. thank you. you've been here long? long enough. good. listen, i'm really sorry about this. oh, look, it's not your fault. i mean, if i broke the law, you're gonna have to arrest me. what's that about? you tell me. cap, this is miss laura kirgo -- solicitation, trespassing, disorderly conduct. don't go by that. see, she sort of caused a riot in the bar. according to the bartender, she would come on to a guy, get him all, uh, interested, and then drop him and go on to another guy. no one was right. my standards -- they're exceptionally high. that's very commendable. she wasn't really soliciting -- i mean, for money. i was just looking for a suitable volunteer. for what? to father my child. i see. you do? i want to have a baby. it's just that i'm not particularly interested in having a husband. doesn't that go with the territory? give him time. who's pressing charges? the owner. he's the only one she didn't ask. i never thought this was gonna be this tough. i mean, i'm not asking for a lifelong commitment. all i want is just a few hours with a healthy, reasonably intelligent man. i'm ray. i'll book her. that's what i had in mind, yes. have a seat. you know, actually, more and more women are opting for single motherhood, whether through artificial insemination or miss kirgo's method. it satisfies the maternal instinct and also allows them to maintain an individual lifestyle. you want to know what i think? i think the family unit is falling apart fast enough without behavior like that to give it a shove. i guess that eliminates you. whew! what'd you find out? well, i don't ever want to be poor. oh, barney, you should see this place. i mean... [ chuckles ] ...people are staring out into space, laying up against walls, sitting in their own wine -- domestic! what did you find out? oh, i talked to some of them, barney, i guess a couple of weeks ago somebody started coming in the night and carting the bums away. hmm. so, what's our next move? going undercover? [ laughs ] you know, that's not a bad idea. barn, you're not talking about sending me down there? yeah. well, he can't go dressed like that. no kidding. well, the tie is all right. uh, why don't you and ray work out the details on the wardrobe, huh? sure, barn. gonna need that jacket? of course, i have to find out about their genetic background. i have to make sure that there's no history of insanity or disease. well, that must really get them in the mood. my child is entitled to the best father i need your address. 734 west 23rd street. i'm not just looking for someone who's genetically acceptable. i'm also looking for a person with a degree of compassion, sensitivity, and perceptiveness. i think those things are passed along, too. yeah, but it seems to me that going up to a bunch of guys in a bar is not a very good way of finding someone like that. that's a good point. you're very perceptive. i just got lucky. sure. ta-da! ha ha! inspector luger's back, and the 12th precinct's got him. hiya, men. inspector luger, what a pleasant surprise. same to you, har. oh? yeah, i see where the old inspector popped up in there a couple of times, huh? yeah, right. you know, though, har, it seems to me that i come off as being a little weirdo, a bit of an oddball. editorial license. aha! that's good. who's the "buddy, can you spare a dimer"? ray brewer. nice to meet you. hi, brewer. hi, brewer. sorry, no spare change. laundromat tonight. d.d. i.l. huh? oh, touch\! huh? looks like wojo's struck the mother lode, hmm? yeah, you could say that. what's she here for? she's looking for somebody. hmm. missing person? uh-huh. wojciehowicz. good to see you, inspector. same to you, woj. and, of course, this would be miss, mrs., ms.? kirgo. if i can be of any service... no, thanks. inspector. hey, barney. it's been a long time since we've seen you. i've been feeling a little under the weather. you know, i haven't been myself lately. you appear in good spirits now. mmm. fooled you, too, huh? is there a problem? what's the matter? barney, i just come from having the most humiliating experience in my life. what happened? hold his calls, d.d. right, i.l. they call it a career conference, barney, like they're helping you with your career. what did they say? ah, they give me a lot of sweet talk about "with the department. you're a credit to the force." all that kind of garbage. that was it? hmm? no, no. no, no. then, when they had me all buttered up, then they stuck in the skewer. what, uh, what did they say? what else? "luger, take a hike." they asked you to resign? oh, no, no, no, barney. no, they gave me a choice. they said, "frank, now, look -- "you can retire now as inspector, "but you're welcome to hang around. "but if you do, you'll be hanging around as a captain." i see. yeah, yeah. they figure they could shame me into quitting by busting me to captain. that's wonderful. lousy, stinkin' captain. it's not the end of the world. oh! hey, listen, no offense, barney, huh? you think it came from upstairs? maybe it's just somebody trying to bluff you. could be. could be. they tried to pull the same trick on kleiner a couple of years back. they tried to squeeze him out, too. what happened? nothing. two weeks later he was gunned down on 13th street. they dropped it after that. we seem to be alone. i got a headache. oh, i like a sense of humor. it indicates intelligence. i got an i.q. to knock your socks off. i'm back. we noticed. did i miss anything? no. talk to you later. great. you want some coffee? oh, i'd love some. thank you. that's prior arrests. you're clean. oh, good. here you go. it's hot. thank you. so, what did he have to say? uh, excuse me. i got to sharpen some of my pencils. believe me -- you look 100% better. yeah, yeah. i ain't just saying that. i mean, you look really scroungy. you're too kind. i tried to warn you about that chrysler stock. oh, reading again, are we? i bit the bullet on studebaker. okay, barn, i'll just call their bluff. they'll back down every time, right? it's worth a shot. right. uh, barney, i've changed. yeah, i won't be needing that jacket now. hey, har, what happened to our dapper dan, our resident beau bridges? harris is on a case down at the bowery. oh. oh, yeah. when in rome... yeah. inspector, you think i look okay? i really value your opinion. anything else you need, harris? no, i think i'll be hitting the road. come on, ray. sure. see you around, barney. hey, we just might make dinner. today is turkey bisque. oh, again? let's go. well, i guess this bum better be hitting the road, too, huh, barney? listen, everything's gonna work out just fine, i'm sure. ah, sure it will, barney. they ain't gonna spit frank luger out like an old piece of chewing gum, you know, that you already sucked out all the good juice, right? i've been a cop for 34 years, barney. i helped build this department. i help make it run. i helped -- what's that -- once i built a railroad i made it run, made it race against time yeah, i'll see you around, barney. once i built a railroad, now hello, levine. brother, can you spare a dime? levitt? i got a bail ticket for a kirgo, l. right here. i'll take it. l. kirgo? sir? here, you'll have to sign this. i just happened to run into sergeant harris on the stairs. such as he was, seeing he may be occupied tomorrow, it occurs to me that -- be here at 9:00 in the morning. didn't even finish. huh? i'll prep the desk for tomorrow, sir. you do that. [ sighs ] well, you have my address in case you need to contact me. all right. i guess i'll be going home now. okay. listen, um, i just wanted to thank you for your courtesy and consideration. and i just wanted to say that i think that both of you have very, very fine qualities in different areas. and, for what it's worth, i think either one of you would make a very good father for anyone's child. so, maybe we'll see each other again sometime. i don't know. maybe. sure, maybe. well, bye. bye. after you, ma'am. time to check out. i don't know. how about you? i got two tickets to the ranger game. oh, yeah? you want them? good morning, wojo. hey, barn. are you gonna make it? what do you mean? the coffee -- are you gonna make it? oh, yeah, sure. [ chuckles ] [ clears throat ] thanks for waiting up. are you making coffee? yeah. boy, i really could use a cup. oh, yeah? had a tough night, huh? can't complain. how'd you like the hockey game last night? mr. brewer. where's sergeant harris? i figured he'd be here. what happened? i don't know. i woke up this morning, his bunk was empty. a couple of the other guys are gone, too. dietrich, wojo, you better check out that mission. i'm sorry. i fell asleep. don't worry about it. it was my first stakeout. don't worry about it! it's okay! oh, inspector. very funny. what's the matter? what happened? captain frank luger, reporting for duty. oh. nice to have you with us. u're wearing one. but i had to do something to raise the money. for what? for my campaign. oh, you're running for president? yes, he is, sir. it seems to me i remember a time when you didn't mind listening to a few reminiscences of the old inspector. captain! oh, now you're giving it to me with both barrels, huh? where are you now? barney: is that harris? he's calling from a stuckey's in maryland. -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac. yeah, but they're not leaving on their own. i mean, this place we live, the mission -- somebody's coming in there at night and hustling them out of bed someplace. kind of a bum's rush? [ laughs ] i don't make jokes about your job. she wasn't really soliciting -- i mean, for money. i was just looking for a suitable volunteer. to father my child. ta-da! ha ha! inspector luger's back, and the 12th precinct's got him. they asked you to resign? oh, no, no, no, barney. no, they gave me a choice. they said, "frank, now, look -- "you can retire now as inspector, "but you're welcome to hang around. "but if you do, you'll be hanging around as a captain." lousy, stinkin' captain. believe me -- you look 100% better. yeah, yeah. i ain't just saying that. i mean, you look really scroungy. you're too kind. okay, barn, i'll just call their bluff. they'll back down every time, right? it's worth a shot. right. and i just wanted to say that i think that both of you have very, very fine qualities in different areas.