[ typewriter keys clacking ] he can fool our relatives, he can fool our friends, but not me. mrs. kamen, when did you first begin to realize that your husband was, uh...different? in bed. okay, i think that's all the information we'll need. you can't duplicate that. nor would we want to. now, listen, i know it sounds crazy, but somebody -- i don't know why, i don't know how -- they have taken my husband away, and they have left an exact replica, a robot, in his place. look, mrs. kamen, i'm sure there's a very rational, reasonable -- wait, i've brought photographs. look. there's rudolph, a year ago. here's a picture of him. i took this three days ago. [ chuckles ] mrs. kamen, these men are identical. uh...can i get you some coffee or tea? oh, coffee. that would be very nice. thank you. [ sighs ] morning, harris. morning, wojo. [ sniffles, sighs ] barn's not in? nope. well, then i guess i'm not late. [ laughs ] barney: this way, gentlemen. all this really isn't necessary, captain. morning, barn. well, good morning, wojo. what do you got? well, um... i'm gonna have to know eventually. you want me to take over, right? of the packton institute for genetic research, his research assistant, dr. eric rubin. this is sergeant wojciehowicz. how do you do? how you doing? how are you? so, what's the story? seems someone broke in to the laboratory and stole some equipment. you've got to get it back! it's just not all paid for. and? why don't you take their statement? uh, uh, have a seat here. [ clears throat ] here you go. uh, barney? barney: yeah? i'm -- i'm having a little problem with mrs. kamen over here. you know, she says that her husband isn't really her husband, have you checked for pods? [ chuckles ] that's not funny, barney. sorry. it just occurred to me. that's okay. why don't you contact her husband, have him come down? which one? [ laughs ] b-barney, i mean, it's just different when i do it. [ laughs ] [ typewriter keys clacking ] i think -- i think we should at least mention it in passing. i'll handle this, all right, doctor? but we are dealing with mutant strains. [ clacking stops ] this is still all experimental. so? so how do we know this isn't infectious or even deadly? [ clacking stops ] uh, what was that? nothing. just talking shop, sergeant wojciehowicz. one of your boys, huh? any luck, sergeant? well, we're still checking. i appreciate everything you're doing for me. hey, look, that's what we're here for, mrs. kamen. my friends call me mitzi. okay. um, i'm ron. i would like to use your bathroom, ron. sure. come on. it's right this way. manpower reports and statistic summarizations, sir. thank you, levitt. no problem. i hear you saw some action today. i went out on a call. enjoy yourself? as a matter of fact, i did. i only mention this because i thought, in this type of situation, when there's a temporary manpower shortage, normally you would assign a uniform. that's your prerogative, sir. it's just that there's a limited amount of crime out there, and if the brass starts going out on calls for kicks, it's not gonna leave much for those of us who really need the work. i wouldn't worry about it, levitt. i have no intention of making a habit of it. thank you, sir. i'll be downstairs. you'll be here? promise. good. excuse me. i'm looking for sergeant harris. mr. kamen? the one and only. uh, your, um, your wife is in the bathroom, sir. no kidding. got an autoclave, a centrifuge, and a, uh, a container of assorted cultures. right. and there was nothing else? no. that covers everything. is there something else i should know about? the dna! somebody's got to tell them! i'll be the judge. okay, hold it, hold it, hold it. all right, what are you talking about? sergeant, the cultures that were taken were of recombinant dna... deoxyribonucleic acid. uh-huh. dna is the basic stuff of life. it's in the nucleus of every cell. it contains the code that guides the development of every living thing. what are you guys doing with it? we take the dna from a living organism, and we combine it with the dna from another organism, thereby creating an entirely new living substance. now, this particular recombinant form has just been developed, and we can't guarantee that it might not be virulent or even pestilent! just have a seat. hello, millicent. you've got the wrong one. look, mrs. kamen, i'm sure if you'll just give us a chance -- he's fooled you, too. come home. you stay away from me! you'll feel better. no, stay away! please, millicent. millicent! [ knock on door ] mitzi. uh, gentlemen, sergeant wojciehowicz indicates there might be some problem with dna? yes. you see, captain, the dna was spliced from a polyomavirus into a strain of escherichia coli. are you saying there's a potential health hazard in this...stuff? it's possible. no. [ sighs ] u're wearing one. um, captain, i think that both dr. rubin and myself are saying the same thing, just in different ways. simply that there is a small... very small chance of contamination... or epidemic. wojo, you'd better get on the phone to the department of health. millicent, please, believe me. this isn't gonna solve anything. mrs. kamen: i don't know you! millicent, you've been under a lot of pressure lately. you're not yourself. oh, looks who's talking! would you come out of there?! uh, look, mr. kamen, why don't you just try and relax for a second, huh? [ clears throat ] mrs. kamen? is that you, ron? uh, yes. what happened to mitzi? uh, listen, mitzi... hmm? all right. [ door unlocks ] you can come in. [ sighs ] i should be back soon. captain... we are doing very important work here. it would be a tragedy to let some silly little accident jeopardize it. i'm afraid that's not my immediate concern, doctor. we are on the threshold of an incredible breakthrough. if we can unlock the genetic puzzle of dna, we could eliminate birth defects, genetic diseases, increase intelligence, weed out all the negative traits and characteristics, and create a whole new, superior race of... barn, it's the health department. it's a miss schumacher. miss schumacher, captain miller, 12th precinct. look, i'm afraid we might have a very serious health -- yes, dna cultures. who reported it? a. dietrich. he's one of us. yes, he is very knowledgeable. look, what i called for was -- he's already working with one of your people on it? thank you. so, it took us a little longer. put out an apb on the stolen property and check all the local pawnshops. good thinking, barn. yeah, hi. this is detective wojciehowicz over at the 12th precinct. yeah, we had a burglary in a research lab, to check for -- he have curly hair and glasses? right. thanks a lot. oh! that's our equipment. give me a hand! yeah, right. used to be you made a buck, you kept a buck. things are tough all over. well, it's very discouraging. well, dietrich. nice to see you. you're looking good. this is? claudio ortez. he pawned the stuff around the corner from where he lives. 20 lousy bucks for all that junk. picked him up in his room. what is it with that place, anyway? they got all these guards and alarms, an electrical fence. it was all a come-on. where are the cultures? the little dishes in the box. uh, you mean the jello? he flushed it down the toilet. oh...god. i do something wrong? what happens if that stuff gets in the water supply? i left the health department working on it. sit down over there. what are you talking about, the health department? captain, the possibility of contamination or widespread disease is practically nil. what kind of disease? you know, i touched that stuff. don't worry about it. i need some information. next of kin? is that supposed to be funny? for the time being. [ coughs ] all right, gentlemen, you'll be notified of any court appearances. in the meantime, you're free to go. captain, i'm sure those cultures i mean, what could live in that water? good day, doctor. now, i know what you're thinking. we've gone too far. we're tampering with nature, invading god's domain, hmm? ushering in a brave new world. no. sure, what's it to you? i, uh, i tagged the appliances, sir. fine. i'll be back later with a bottle of water. levitt! [ sighs ] excuse me. are you being helped? no, my -- my wife's in the toilet with sergeant harris. fine. you know, we used to love to go to atlantic city, just the two of us. and we would stroll down the boardwalk. look, why don't we, um, go outside and have a cup of coffee? we'd have a cup of coffee, and we'd walk over to the steel pier and watch the diving horse. look, mrs. kamen -- only he didn't dive. they pushed him. that sounds like you had some very nice times together. he was a wonderful man. mr. kamen: i still am. you go away. i'm not talking about you. what have i done? how am i different? he knows. i don't know. ask him about his perversions. well, i mean, i wouldn't want to... oh, that again, huh, mitzi? rudolph wouldn't have gone in for that kind of stuff. 32 years of wedlock... every time, the same. uh, do you want to field this one, rudy? look, millicent... ...a few years ago, i realized that i wasn't able... ...that you weren't being satisfied. thank you. rudy would never admit to that. but i do. and -- and -- and it bothered me. so i went out, and i bought some books -- you know, the how-to kind. i -- i was only trying to please you. is that so? i'm sorry. why do people have to change, get old? why can't things stay the way they were? well, look... ron, sometimes i get so scared, i don't know what i'm gonna do. look, everybody feels that way sometimes. you sure? i mean, i'm not even old, and i get scared. that's nice of you to say. hey, look... none of us knows what's gonna happen to him or her, and that's pretty scary. but there's one thing you do know. yeah. let's get out of here, huh, ron? [ laughs ] hello. it's free now. hello, millicent. let's go home, rudy, huh? whatever you say. goodbye, ron. you, uh, take good care of yourself, mitzi. he -- hey, guys, come on. dietrich: morning, cap. gentlemen. wojo: hi, barn. woj. barney. yeah. i heard from my publisher today. yeah? they got in some initial sales figures, barn, and it looks like "blood on the badge" is really gonna take off. hey. barn, they're already talking about a second printing, increasing my royalty percentage, plus, this week, i should get a big fat check for the paperback rights. [ laughs ] they're turning my apartment building into condominiums. oh, barn, i'm so sorry. raise a family there.