(wheel grinding) - you got a ticket or i miss my gas. hear that? - no, no, he's not after me. i checked and nobody was trailing me. - that's what you thought the last time. - yeah. one more ticket and they'll suspend my driver's license. (police siren) you know, betty, if he shows up you talk to him. maybe you can think of a better excuse. i'm gonna just--. - [betty] hey! wait a minute. come back here. what do you want me to do? tell him my brother has a bad taste of jitter and i'm gonna take care of the ticket for you? - would you do that for me? - [betty] what? - i wouldn't want to lose my license. if dad finds out he'll ground me and take the car away. - [betty] that's your own fault. i can't save you. - yes, you can. what if you let him think you were driving? - me? oh, no! - [bud] you just offered to help. you practically promised. - i did no such thing. - yes, you did! you said, tell me what to do. okay, you can save my life. - bud, i've never have a traffic ticket. - well, so you'll get off real easy. - [betty] no! - just probably a lifeline. you might even be able to talk you way out of it. betty, i wouldn't ask you to do it if i thought you'd get in trouble, because you would. - [betty] what a ridiculous thing to ask. come back, here. - you can't let me down, betty. (dramatic instrumental music) (audience laughs) - hi, there. are you in a hurry? - oh, hello officer. - i almost lost you. and i saw that rubber you peeled off coming on the driveway. may i see you driver's license. - oh... (audience laughs) i'm afraid i don't have it with me. must be in another purse. - what a shame. would you mind getting it please. - of course, if you don't mind waiting. - oh, i'm always waiting for somebody. (audience laughs) - [betty] oh, thanks. (playful instrumental music) (audience laughs) - [bud] sorry. - [betty] you better get out there and help me out. - [bud] i'll make it up for you someway. i'll do anything you ask. - [betty] well you better think of something quick to get me off the hook. - [bud] i'll see if i can talk him out of the ticket. i'll fix it someway. - [betty] all i can say is start fixing. (audience laughs) (playful instrumental music) - hi, there. - have a nice glass of milk? (audience laughs) some fresh fruit? (audience laughs) - no, thanks. this is your car, eh? - yes, sir. both my sister and i use it. couldn't you let her off this time, officer? she's never had a ticket before. she's a really careful driver. - i can see that. you advertise it. - yeah. you know my dad buys a lot of tickets to the police and its benefit. - and we sure appreciate his interest. (audience laughs) - i was thinking once about becoming a policeman. i think is a real, great profession. - we can always use good men on the force. (audience laughs) - problem is i wouldn't have a heart to give anyone a ticket. - chicken, eh? you get to worry you feel like you're doing a favor. - yeah, i see what you mean. look, officer, couldn't you just forget her this time? i know my sister wouldn't deliberately break any traffic rules. honest, she's the greatest. - [betty] i'm sorry i kept you waiting. - that's okay. had a nice chat with your brother. (audience laughs) - what are you going to charge her with, sir? - well, ms. anderson, you ran through a boulevard stop. and i don't suppose you would be speeding to keep me from catching you, would you? - oh, no! oh, no. that would be breaking the law. and you know, about those boulevard stops, you can slip by those without even seeing them. - you see them if you slow down. (audience laughs) so, bad you didn't have your driver's license with you, miss. i had to put that on your citation, too. now, if you would sign right there please. - no, no. don't sign, betty. hold it. - [officer] what are trying to do, young fellow? interfering with an officer's doing his duty? - does she have to sign a confession? can't we just talk it over? not an admission of guilt. say so right there. all you have to do is sign it, take it down to the traffic bureau for disposition. - what will they do to her? - bud, would you please stay out of this or you'll make things worse. - [officer] thank you. you got a lot of nice sentiments there. living up to them saves the pd a trouble. bye now. (playful instrumental music) - i, i hate a guy like that all, you both have a perfect driving record. >>perfect. no tickets. no accidents... >>that is until one of you clips a food truck, ruining your perfect record. >>yup... now, you would think your insurance company would cut you some slack, right? >>no. your insurance rates go through the roof. your perfect record doesn't get you anything. >>anything. perfect! liberty mutual won't raise your rates due to your first accident. and if you do have an accident, our claim centers are available to assist you 24/7. for a free quote, call liberty mutual at switch to liberty mutual and you could save up to $509 call today at see car insurance in a whole new light. all nice and all the time is giving you the chop. (audience laughs) i, i really am sorry. i couldn't talk him out of the ticket. well you better talk somebody out of it. this is the silliest nitwitty thing i've ever done. - shh! (audience laughs) - [margaret] what was a policeman doing on our driveway? - um, a policeman on our driveway? - oh, i heard his motorcycle and saw him leave from the upstairs window. - oh, um, a motorcycle policeman? well, that was, just a, policeman in a motorcycle. (audience laughs) - you may as well know, mother. he was giving me a traffic ticket. - you?! but betty, what did you do? - practically, nothing. we just didn't see a stop sign. (audience laughs) - and i didn't have my driver's license. 'cause i didn't know i'd be hilfering today. (audience laughs) - [margaret] i'm surprised that bud would like you take the wheel of his precious car. - oh, there are times when he doesn't mind. - [bud] um, dad it's coming. let's change the subject. - [margaret] but why all this secrecy? - [betty] there's no use telling father. you know how he feels about traffic violators. - [bud] yeah, he just ask a lot of questions, and there's no reason why to make a big thing out of this. - but you know i don't like to keep things from your father. - [betty] i'll tell him myself later, mother. but, right now, would you please go along with me? - yeah, mom. woman to woman, we can take care of this. (audience laughs) hi, there! - [jim] hello, everybody. - hi, dear. - [jim] couldn't be better. i like those safe driving slogans you have on your car, son. i hope you practice what they preach when you're behind the wheel. i will! - lately you've been collecting traffic tickets like green stamps. (audience laughs) - thank you. - [bud] well, let's not exaggerate, dad. i only got a couple. (spoon hitting the oven) (audience laughs) but from now on, i'm gonna take it straight an arrow. - [jim] good. - well, better wash up for dinner. come on, betty. (joyful instrumental music) (audience laughs) (phone rings) - hello. yeah, she's here. for you, princess. betty? - oh. thank you. hello. oh, yes, aireen. student council meeting tonight? - bill wants us to elect a chairman for the safe driving campaign. and you've been prominently mentioned. you know, student leader type. someone about recrout - well, um... (audience laughs) i'm afraid i don't count right for the driver chairman. besides, i couldn't possibly be there tonight. - why not? if you come here, i sense that you'll get elected. and it's quite aplomb. - well... (audience laughs) it's been a rough day and i've got a splitting headache. i'm sorry i can't make it, aireen. bye. (phone rings) - hello. oh, yes, aireen. well, just as a precaution she went to bed. any message? she was elected chairman of the safe driving campaign? oh, that's wonderful! i'm sure she'll feel better when she hears that. (audience laughs) oh, thanks for calling, aireen. goodbye. - [bud] yeah, hey, what's going on? (audience laughs) of the safe driving campaign. - um... no kidding? (audience laughs) hey, that's great! - instead of being a chairman, wouldn't she be a chairgirl? - ah, but it's a man-sized job, kitten. - why didn't they elect a man? (audience laughs) - [jim] well you should be very proud. your mother and i are. don't you wanna be chairman? - of course i do, father. but this just comes at a bad time. i'm awfully busy. - look betty, i know this was supposed to be "woman to woman" but, well, this thing seems to be getting out of hand. don't you think you ought to tell your father what happened today? - what happened? - alright. i got a traffic ticket. - [jim] well, all i can say is you have a genius for bad timing. is that the reason you ducked out of the council meeting tonight? - yes. - well, why didn't you tell me? since when have my children not been able to confide in me? - well, i know how you feel about obeying traffic rules. and this was just a stupid thing. i didn't want anybody to know. (sad instrumental music) - [margaret] well, what would say the safe driving campaign, if it gets around that the new chairman got a citation on the very first day she's elected. - [kathy] well, gee. it was only her first one. (sad instrumental music) - [bud] look. maybe if betty doesn't have to appear at the traffic bureau no one will know about it. - but a city organism requires all young drivers and take a refresher course in driving regulations. that way, they're more likely not to come back again. well, come on everybody, let's let betty get some sleep. - [margaret] come on, angel... - [bud] i'm telling you dad. if she has to go down there, she's probably gonna be recognized. and they'll get it around the campus, and people will start shutting it up, and the whole campaign will take a nosedive. - [jim] well, i'm afraid that's a risk she'll have to take. unless that bird of brain of hers can figure out a way she'd go down and still not be seen. of course, if she were twins. (vibrant instrumental music) (audience laughs) - name? (audience laughs) - betty anderson. (playful instrumental music) (audience laughs) - that would be 35 dollars. (audience laughs) - 35 dollars? - that's what it says, miss. three violations. (playful instrumental music) (audience laughs) - 35. now, pretty expensive to enjoy your ride. - we all say. (audience laughs) - again? (audience laughs) - or was. - wait a minute. here's your receipt. have to study up on traffic regulations, you know? it's required reading. (joyful instrumental music) (audience laughs) - [bud] everything's fine, dad. betty's citation is currently and discretely taking care of. no fuss, no moss. - i just know of the flaw, bud. - flaw? - the student council found that betty got a ticket and asked for her resignation. - you mean she's out? how could, how could they know? betty wasn't even at the traffic bureau. - but i thought she has to appear in person. - well, i handled that so she didn't have to. what a sneaky double-crossing council. they can do this to me! it took all my savings! - wait a minute, bud. - she was in a jam, wasn't she? - yes, but you don't usually knock yourself out for betty. (audience laughs) one would think you gotten the ticket. - [bud] me? but betty told you she got it, didn't she? - [margaret] both have been behaving so strangely. - bud, what's going on around here? - i promised betty i'd help because... well dad, i know you're gonna hit the ceiling, but, betty's being taking the rap for me. - what are you saying? - i was driving the car and i talked betty into signing the ticket. - bud anderson, how could you have your sister into a thing like that? - well i, i knew i'd have my driver's license suspended, (sad instrumental music) whatever you do, dad, i know i gotta come. - look, bud, i... i don't want to set a judgment on you when i'm as angry as i am at this moment. - i'll do anything to make it up to betty. - you're a little late! but... it's a start in the right direction anyway. (resolution instrumental music) - [bud] 'cause i was driving at the time. my, my. wasn't very nice of you, was it? how do you explain it? - well, i ran the boulevard stop, and my sister let him think that she was at the wheel so that i wouldn't have my driver's license suspended. - and how did you work that, son? change seats in mid-air? (audience laughs) - [bud] no, sir. i wasn't even in the car when he caught us. - i see. now, it's very noble of you to come here and try to assume all of the responsibility. when does this unusual case come before the court? - well, the fine has already been paid. i took care of that myself. - you did? you seem to forget that the city's organism require young drivers to answer their citation in person. now, how did you get around that? (audience laughs) - well i imagine you weren't very attractive. (audience laughs) - no, look--. - [judge] son, i don't mean to be rude but this is a very weird series of events you've been telling me. you know, you have a charming imagination. - you mean, you don't believe me? - well, i believe you're a very nice young man who is willing to take the blame for something your sister did to take out of a jam. but laudable as that is, the court can not become a party to it. - you don't think i'd tell a lie to a judge. (sad instrumental music) - [judge] betty, the court is convinced that your attempt to shield your brother, stem from loyalty and devotion rather than any desire to dis-worth justice. - thank you, your honor. - but, because you were in grave error when you aided an evitative traffic violator, you are fined 25 dollars. the fact that your student council regard you highly enough to keep you as chairman of their safe driving campaign prompts the court to be as lenient as possible. bud anderson, be suspended for the balance of the college semester. in addition, you are fined 50 dollars. i want to commend your father for already taking away your car. there would be fewer traffic violations among young drivers if their parents took a stern of view of such matters. now bud, there's just one thing more. since you caused considerable confusion and embarrassment both to your sister and the student council, it seems fitting that you should be remanded to them for suitable disciplinary action. if they can use you in some way to help put over their safe driving campaign, they have the court's blessing. (audience laughs) (audience applause) (joyful instrumental music) - [voiceover] robert young and jane wyatt (kathy giggles) with elinor donahue, billy gray, and lauren chapin in father knows best. - that's what i said, famous. we are on the verge of becoming a famous family. - [betty] well, why? how did we rate that? - what did we do, daddy? - well, i'm not exactly sure. all i know is, we're going to be written up in a magazine. - [betty] really, what magazine? life? look? - glamour? - hardly (chuckles). - probably true confessions. (jim chuckles) - no, you're all wrong. it's the insurance executives sentinel. - [betty] oh, great. (audience laughs) - oh, now don't knock it. that's read in the homes of thousands of insurance men. - that's what i mean. - furthermore, an article like that could do me some good in my business. - well, why did they choose us for the article? - well, partly because we're such a model family. mostly because the editor's a friend of mine, fred mcclure. - yes, i remember him. he was here at the house once. - that's right, the year the convention was in springfield. - well, is he writing the article? - no, he sent out a staff writer to do it, a fellow named mel buford. - (chuckles) some name. - he seemed very nice. he was at the office briefly this afternoon. the article has something to do with solid family life (jim chuckles) he'll explain it all to us at breakfast tomorrow morning. - at breakfast? - hmm. - you mean, here? - yes, we decided that saturday morning breakfast would be a good leisurely time to catch us all together, a good time to take pictures of us too. - our pictures will be in the magazine? - sure. - oh, i wish you'd told me, so i could have planned something special. - oh no, the whole point is not to do anything special. he wants to see us just the normal ordinary way we live. - oh, surely he wouldn't put that in the magazine. (audience laughs) - what time is he going to be here? - well, i suggested that-- - betty, do you know francine wolf? - bud, your father's talking. - oh, excuse me. - francine wolf? - yeah. - i-- - that real cool blonde who's been going out with george bigelow. - [margaret] bud. - [betty] yeah, i think i know who she is. what about her? - well, she and george broke up, so now she hasn't got a date for the dance at the college tomorrow night, and neither do i. but how do i ask her when i don't-- - bud, your father is trying to tell us something. - oh, excuse me, dad, go ahead. (audience laughs) what were you going to say, dad? - frankly, i got so fascinated by the francine story, i've forgotten what it was. - you were saying what time the magazine writer would be here tomorrow morning. - oh yes, 9:00. - what magazine writer? - if you were a little more polite, you would have found out. a writer is going to do a story on our family for the insurance magazine. - yeah, no kidding? say, how can i get acquainted with her on such short notice? (audience laughs) - well, i don't know. maybe you could-- oh, say father, i won't be here in the morning. i have to go over to dotty snow's to work on some material for our next debate. - well, you have to eat breakfast first, and you can stick around for a few minutes. this is very important to me. so, in spite of debates or francine or anything, i want you all here. is that clear? okay, 9:00 at breakfast. - oh no, thank you. - oh. - my, it certainly was a wonderful breakfast, mrs. anderson. - well, it varies. - yes, it varies down to handing the kids a piece of toast as they rush out the door, late for school. (audience laughs) - oh, it isn't that bad. - [jim] well, almost, but you, undoubtedly, know how it is, mr. buford, that is, if your family operates on a different schedule, as ours does (chuckles). - frankly, i don't know. i'm a bachelor, and i didn't have too much family life as a boy either, being raised by an uncle. i guess that's why mr. mcclure gave me this assignment. he figured i'd have a truly objective viewpoint. (jim chuckles) (phone rings) - oh, bud. - [bud on the phone] hello, oh, claude. - well now, mr. buford, what would you like to do first? - [bud on the phone] what did you find out about francine? - would you like to take some pictures or-- bud, tell claude you'll call him back later. mr. buford doesn't have all day. - he's got information about francine. - yes, sir. [bud on the phone] i gotta go. - oh, i guess the first thing i ought to do is try to explain what we want to do in this article. - good idea. - we want to show that a closely-knit family is an aid to an insurance man, in that it provides him with an understanding of the problems of his clients and their families and so on. it's sort of a study, i guess, in togetherness. i hate that word, it's so overworked, but that's actually what it is. - well, i certainly wouldn't say that we're an outstanding family in any way, but i do feel that we are fairly close-knit. (phone rings) (audience laughs) - whoever it is, tell them we're very busy. - [bud on the phone] yeah, hello. - [bud on the phone] just a moment. - helps me a great deal in my work. in fact, i'd go so far as to say-- - dad? - not now, bud. that in many ways-- - it's for you, mr. murphy. - i don't care who it is. that it-- murphy? oh my gosh, is he calling from the golf club? oh, i completely forgot. i made a date to play golf with him and his wife. it wouldn't matter, but he's a new client of mine. - oh, well you better run on then. i understand all about clients. - oh, but i-- - now, don't worry about me. i have plenty of time. i can catch you later, this noon, or whenever it's convenient. you run on. - well, i guess i had better. oh, this is really unforgivable, but i'll see you this noon (chuckles). - [mr. buford] hadn't you better go get ready too? you do all this research on a perfect car then smash it into a tree. raises your rates. maybe you should have done more research on them. for drivers with accident forgiveness, liberty mutual won't raise your rates due to your first accident. just one of the many features that comes standard with our base policy. call for a free quote today. see car insurance in a whole new light. liberty mutual insurance. don't hold back on my account. - oh, no, i'm not going. i never play golf with him. - oh, you don't? - oh, no, he wouldn't want me tagging along. besides, i have so many other things to keep me busy, what with the house and the pta and all. - i see. well-- but i'm afraid i have to leave. - oh now, betty. - mother, i should have been at dotty's half an hour ago. we're working on material for a debate. i'm on the college debating team. - oh, that's wonderful. well, don't let me hold you up. - i hate to go, really, but as long as you're coming back later to see father, i'll try to get back for that. - well, fine. (audience laughs) debating team, hmm? i imagine you all get quite a thrill out of going to see her debate. - well, as a matter of fact, we've never seen her debate. she doesn't want us there, says it would make her nervous. (knock at the door) now, who can that be? excuse me, mr. buford. oh, emily. - margaret, i need your help. i'm afraid that darn hot water heater's going to blow up. i know how to fix it, but it's a two-man job. oh, you have company. - yes. emily, this is mr. buford. - how do you do? - how do you do? is there anything i could do to help? - oh, no, you stay right there. - it's fine, don't-- - i'll be right back. bud. come on, emily, we better hurry. - i'm sorry to take her away. - well, it looks as though our family group is now down a bit, but i guess we can carry on. tell me, what group activities-- - before we get into that, mr. buford, would you excuse me, please? i have a very important call to make. - oh, sure, go ahead. - thank you. - well, kathy, where do you have to go? - me? i don't have to go anywhere. - well, good. - you want to take my picture? uh-oh, i have to feed my kitten, and i better do it right now too, because my mother's against me having this kitten, because every time i get a pet, i say i'll take care of it, but she always winds up having to do it, and this time i pledged my word, i'd take full responsibility. - go, do it. by all means, feed the cat. (audience laughs) this is togetherness? - you see, claude's on the decorating committee for the dance tonight, and he says so is francine. so, he's trying to think of some way to get me on the committee too, so i can get acquainted with her and then ask her for a date for the dance. huh, how about that? - he can't get you on the committee, it's too late. - furthermore, there are plenty of dances later on that you'll be able to take her to. - oh, no, no, later on every guy in school will know that she's broken up with george bigelow, and then i wouldn't stand a chance. no, for me it's now or never. - well, you can't leave anyway, we must show him more cooperation than we were able to this morning. - go on. go on, kitty, go get your catnip, go on. (cat meows) daddy isn't home yet, but everyone else is. i'll round them up. you go in the living room and make yourself comfortable. - thank you, kathy. - [bud] well, would it be too un-etiquette if i just call francine and ask her for a date? - [margaret] bud, if you're anxious to go to the dance, why don't you take betty? - take my sister? well, that would ruin me socially, (audience laughs) and i wouldn't be caught dead doing that, - what makes you think i'd go with you if you did ask me? i have a little pride, you know. - mommy, mr. buford is here. - oh, already? come on, we mustn't keep him waiting. now, please no bickering. - [bud] i gotta get on the decorating committee some way. - well, mr. buford, it's nice to see you again. - it's perfectly all right. i have plenty of time and nothing else to do. - well, i promise you'll have our undivided cooperation now. mr. anderson will be along soon, i'm sure. - well, fine. now, the main thing that mr. mcclure would like to have us go into is group activities. (kathy crunches on food) (audience laughs) things you folks do together as a unit, a family unit. - well, let's see now. - we eat dinner together. (audience laughs) - (chuckles) well, naturally, but mr. buford means more like-- - hey, we went on sort of a picnic together once. remember, when the car broke down on the way to lemon falls? we got trapped into going. (phone rings) - betty will answer it. - maybe claude's got me on the committee. - she can tell you. yes, every year we take a nice trip together, to a family reunion at my sister's place in lemon falls. we have a lovely time. - yeah, lovely. - [betty on the phone] well, just a minute. it's father, and he says he's terribly sorry, but he has a flat tire, and he wants to know who took the spare tire out of the car without letting him know. he sounds furious. - oh, dear, i should have told him. well, it's at the gas station being fixed. betty, find out where he is, and tell him that-well, that bud will pick up a spare and bring it to him. - no, i can't leave, claude may call any minute. let betty go. - [betty] i'm too busy. besides, i'm not going to lug a tire around. - now, bud, you'll-- - look, mrs. anderson, i realize you people are all very busy, and i'm sort of an intruder. - it really doesn't make any difference to me when we do this. i'll come back later. mr. anderson will be here then, and i do want to get pictures of you all together. - oh, but this is awful. hurry, go get that tire. i feel just terrible about all of these interruptions. - please don't. besides, i have to go back to the hotel and make a long distance call and a few things, and it'll be better for me when you're all together. - yes, i realize that. well, you must stay for dinner tonight. - i'd love to, thank you. i'll see you later on this afternoon. - here's where guy: hey, sara. oh my gosh. he's so cute. how do you know him? c'mon donovan, do it like i taught ya. love the new tattoo, sara. let's go! dude. what? dude, that's sara. the girl in the pink shirt. that's the girl i was telling you about. oh, that's sara. theater two on your left. hey sara, what color underwear today? hey sara. so, when you gonna post something new? announcer: anything you post online, anyone can see. family, friends... see ya later, sara. even not-so-friendly people. - okay, now look it, if claude calls-- (phone rings) oh, maybe that's him right now. hello? yeah? yeah? cool, swell, bye. claude says there's about a million artificial flowers, they made over at nancy dalton's place. - bud, your father's waiting for you. - yeah, and they have to be delivered to the gym for the decorating committee, and claude's fixed it up for me to do the delivery. i'm in. (audience laughs) - you're not going to the gym. mr. buford's coming back this afternoon. - oh, i'll be back as soon as i can, once i break the ice with francine. it won't take me long. man, i must leave you all! (audience laughs) - bud, before you leave... - what time did mr. buford say he'd be back? - well, he just said later. it wouldn't surprise me if he never came back. - yeah, we've sure goofed this so far. if a good article comes out of this mess, it'll be a miracle. - well, i invited him to dinner, so maybe it'll all turn out... (audience laughs) bud, how did you get so dirty? - trying to fish paper flowers out of muddy water. - out of muddy water? out to my car, and i tripped. - oh, no. - yeah, and they fell right into an excavation full of water. this is all i salvaged from the whole 500. (audience laughs) - oh, bud. - and now, i'll never get acquainted with francine. - well, that's not the worst of it. do you realize you've left that committee with no decorations for tonight? - [bud] you're telling me. nancy said there was no possible way of replacing these flowers now. it's up to me to do it any way. how do you like that? it's impossible, but i have to do it. dad? - well, don't look at me. (audience laughs) - well, what am i going to do, dad? this is the worst jam i've ever been in. (audience laughs) - (imitates kathy) kathy: mommy's been trying to get daddy to fix the doorbell, but he never has time. (audience laughs) can't even get together long enough to tell each other about a flat tire. (audience laughs) - hmm, i can hardly believe this. why, this sounds like my family, (audience laughs) and we couldn't print that. well, okay, mel, if you feel that strongly about it, you better pack up and come home. no, wait, let me write it, but let me tell the truth. now, don't blow your top. listen, we know now this togetherness jazz is a complete myth, so we can junk that idea, but we also know anderson is a successful insurance man, so maybe there are other factors in family life that contribute, i don't know, but let me write the story my way, and if you don't like it, fire me. - [jim] oh, i never thought i'd come to this. if any of my friends walk in here now, i'd shoot myself. - don't talk so much father and work faster. - oh, i'm working. - thanks, i think you're cute too. (audience laughs) (jim groans) - together? oh, my, in the excitement, we've forgotten all about mr. buford. - oh my gosh. i can't let him catch me doing a ridiculous thing like this. - and i can't let him take a picture of our house in this mess. can you just imagine what those insurance men's wives would say about my housekeeping? - yeah, and the remarks the men would make, if they read, mr. james anderson, successful insurance man, spends his saturday afternoons making paper pompoms. i'd never live it down. bud, i hate to do this to the poor guy again, but give him a call, will ya? - sure, what'll i tell him? - oh, tell him an emergency came up, and we can't see him until dinner. - oh, but i won't have time now to fix a dinner. - oh, okay, tell him to come back tomorrow, and he can have a whole day. - okay, but you guys keep working. i've got to get those things over to the gymnasium in about 20 minutes. - boy, i've spent some zany days in this house, - amen, brother. - oh, well, when he comes in, tell him that there's been an emergency and that the andersons won't be able to see him until tomorrow. all right, thank you. he's not there now, but i left a message for him. - good. oh, open the door while you're there, bud, and let a little air in. - [margaret] yeah. - i'm hotter than a fire stoker. - all right. - [betty] how many of these silly things do we have to make? - about 90,000. - no, it's more than half-full, only about 200 to go. - oh, this is wonderful. - [margaret] i don't think (mumbles). - you couldn't get that party postponed until next sunday, could you? - how's this for a bottleneck? (family grumbles) - [jim sings] i've been working on the flower line, all the live long day. (family sings) - gee, i hope francine appreciates what i'm going through for her. - [betty] you mean, what we're all doing. (audience laughs) - excuse me. - oh, mr. buford. (audience laughs) - you people are the worst double-crossers i've ever met. just when i sell mcclure on the idea that togetherness is a lot of nothing, (all sing, i've been working on the railroad) - hey, bud, how soon do you have to get this junk over to the decorating committee? - well, i ought to be there now, but we're almost finished. - in that case, i better get a picture of this operation before you all scatter again. - oh, you're not going to print this. - darn right i am. (audience laughs) (kids talk at once) - it's a good story too, because, you see, i've finally discovered what this togetherness gimmick really is, it's none of the surface nonsense we've all taken it to be, it's-all right, hold it! - it's none of the surface nonsense we've all taken it to be, it's deeper than that. it shows when the chips are down. it's in the blood. is combined of distinct separate individuals who go their distinct separate ways (chuckles). there is no sentimental gushing over the home as an institution. to them, it is simply a darn good place to live, and it is from this healthy, free atmosphere that insurance man anderson leaves each morning to do a darn good day's work. this is the kind of togetherness that works. pretty good, huh? (jim chuckles) - yeah, that's not bad. it didn't get gooey once. (girls laugh) - you know, we ought to celebrate our new-found togetherness by all going out to dinner tonight, together. (all talk excitedly) - i can't tonight, i have a debate. - oh, i'm sorry, dad, but i'm taking francine to the basketball game tonight. - yeah? - [kathy] i have to-- (audience laughs) - honey? - i'm sorry, dear, emily and i are going to a fashion show this evening. i better hurry and get dinner. - well, it was a darn good article anyway. (audience laughs) [ ] [ ] oh, hi, mr. b. well, dinner's gonna be a little late tonight. i've been busy as a bird dog all afternoon. - "house for sale"? - yeah, i painted it. it's kind of an artistic eye-catcher, ain't it? - what's it doing here? - i just leaned it here when i went to get the shovel. i got to dig a hole in the front lawn. hazel, are you out of your mind? i have never said one word about selling this house! not our house. mr. north's house, next door. i got to put this on his front lawn. hazel, wait a minute. you've got our phone number on there. yeah, well, mr. north said that if i sold the house, he'd give me a commission, and so i've been putting little signs on all the telephone poles. hazel, i will not have my house turned into a real estate office. now, you te our phone number off there. but, mr. b., look at it this way: if i was handling the case, hazel, telephone. somebody wants some information about the north house. oh, okay, i'll be right there. hold this, will you, mr. b.? i'll be back in a minute. hazel, leave that dirty shovel outside the house. say, how much are you asking for the house? i'm sorry, sir. the place isn't for sale. i... then why are you standing in front of it waving that sign? i was not waving it. i was just... hazel! mr. baxter! i didn't know you were leaving the neighborhood! mrs. anderson, i'm not. our place isn't for sale. i was just trying to explain to this gentleman-- that is your telephone number on it, isn't it? yes, it's my telephone number. i was just... hazel! well, i would like some more scrambled eggs. hazel! oh, i'll be with you in a minute, mr. b. i'm talking on the phone. boy, if you want to learn how to sell houses, you ought to listen to me describing the house next door. she's been on that telephone ever since she put that sign up next door. - where's a can of black paint? - a can of what? black paint. black, black paint. i'm going over there and paint our telephone number off that sign. i don't think we have any. hazel used it all on the dog house. [ringing] baxter residence. i'm going to have that telephone disconnected. - now, george. - well, something has to be disconnected. which is it going to be-- hazel or the telephone? - it's for you, mr. b. - for me? you mean somebody actually got a telephone call through to me? it must be his lucky day. he must be holding a rabbit's foot in one hand and a four-leaf clover in the other. superior court judge hawkins. uh-oh. good morning, judge. no, no. i just finished breakfast. yes, i have the testimony from that case right in the house. and my partner, harry noll, is arriving from new york with some additional affidavits. no wonder i seen so many pretty girls in the street. their folks must be letting them out of the house again. shh! oh, yeah. shh. not at all. well, don't consider it an imposition. i'll get them to you immediately. - good-bye. - trouble? well, not really, but i can't be in two places at the same time. i've got to go down to the courthouse, and i need some affidavits that harry noll is bringing in from new york. dorothy, will you do me a favor? sure, darling. what? would you meet harry noll at the airport and bring those affidavits here to the house? i'll go over them and check them before i give them to the court. oh, missy, don't forget, you told those decorating customers that you'd be home if they dropped in this morning. oh, dear. yes, george, i'm sorry. all right, hazel. then i'll have to ask you to go to the airport. oh! don't you think it'd be a good idea if i stuck by the phone in case i get a hot nibble on the house next door? hazel, his plane arrives in 25 minutes. it's only a suggestion, but don't you think it'd be a better idea if somebody from your office did it? because after all, i ain't exactly an expert at affidavits. you don't have to be a member of the bar association just to deliver some papers to me. but, mr. b., it ain't only that i'm thinking of the commission. it's just that mr. north won'be able to go to california unless he sells his house. - here are the keys. - i'm just trying to help mr. north sell his house. - hazel... - i'm a born saleswoman, mr. b. - hazel... - i could talk anybody into buying anything. hazel, if you're not at the airport in 25 minutes, you can try to talk me into not firing you. well, i could do that. i mean, i could do it again. after all, i've been doing it for 12 years. but i guess it's easier talking myself into going to the airport. well, dear, i have to get down to the courthouse. bye, bye, darling. [ ] missy, as long as i'm out, i might as well go to the market. oh. yes, there are a few things. i'll make out a list. you'd better make it fast. i've only got 20 minutes to get to the airport. [ ] come on, sport. get going. here's the list, hazel. oh, and say hello to harry noll for me, will you? - "can of black paint"? - yes. george wants you to, uh, paint our telephone number off that sign next door. [doorbell rings] - hazel! - why, mr. noll! i was just on my way to the airport to meet you. well, i read your mind and saved you a trip. well, missy, will you come here? look who just walked through the front door! - come in. come in. - wait. i just wanted to be sure the door was open. now i'll make my entrance. [humming "the wedding march"] - "the wedding march"? - you're going to get married? we are married! dorothy, may i present my bride? oh, congratulations, harry. dorothy's the wife of my law partner, george baxter. oh, this is hazel. i told you about her. - hello, hazel. - what'd he say about me? - mother? - oh, and this is dorothy's son, harold. - how do you do, harold. - this is mr. noll's bride. oh, hello. congratulate 'em, harold. congratulations. dad said a woman would need a bear trap to catch him. - dad said-- - why are we standing here? why don't we go sit down in the living room? - say, ain't i seen you someplace before? - it's possible. - on television? - you're getting warm. - her professional name is-- - no, don't tell me. no. i got her name right on the tip of my tongue. hazel, maybe they'd like some coffee. you'd better not be. she's dead. george wanted hazel to meet you at the plane. - he needed those affidavits you got in new york. - got 'em here in my briefcase. we took an earlier plane than we'd planned. oh! oh, no, no. you ain't her either. we wanted to avoid the photographers. not that there'd be that many. i'm not that famous. - hazel? - hmm? oh, of course! you're rita linda, the singer! she was rita linda. she's now mrs. harry noll. oh, yeah? imagine. imagine someone like you marrying mr. noll. everybody's been congratulating harry, but they ought to be offering him condolences. he married a wife who doesn't know how to cook. well, you're probably like i am. i never really learned how to cook. i don't even know how to boil an egg. that's about all there's room for in my kitchen-- one egg. oh, you're going to stay in harry's bachelor apartment? we're looking for the perfect house. excuse me. [ ] [muttering] [ ] - george. - oh, hello, bill. you're not pleading a case today? no, i just came down to the courthouse to deliver some testimony to judge hawkins. well, listen, when you see harry noll, give him my congratulations, will you? what do you mean? what do you mean, what do i mean? give him my congratulations. - for what? - you didn't know? - know what? - you haven't seen the paper? i want you to take a look at this. harry, married? i didn't even know he knew her. oh, yes. he used to date her older sister. then he dated her younger sister. i guess he decided to compromise and split the difference. boy, i never thought he'd get married. but i'm glad he did. maybe now he'll settle down. yeah, evidently that's what he has in mind. when i called your office to congratulate him, his secretary said he was out house-hunting. - uh-oh. - huh? well, i sent our maid out to the airport to pick him up. i certainly hope she didn't tell him about the house next door. - why? - well, it's up for sale. if there's one person i don't want living next door to me, it's harry noll. oh, come off it, george. i like harry. sure, so do i-- in the office. no, come to think of it, i'm not too wild about harry there either. now, listen, you've got to admit that he's a lot of fun. sure, he is. and while harry's having fun, who's taking care of all the work he's neglected? good, old, sweet george baxter. well, it's a shame he's out of circulation. [chuckles] you bet he did. and whenever he got caught between a redhead, a blonde and a brunette, who always helped him out of the jam? no, thanks. harry's one person i can do without as a neighbor. well, you can look at it this way, mrs. noll. you're practically a stranger in town. a complete stranger. besides harry, you two are the only people i know. sure. well, if you lived next door, missy could take you by the hand and introduce you to everybody. i'd love to. it'd be loads of fun. oh, and mr. noll and mr. b. being law partners, it would be very convenient for them too. as a matter of fact, it would. if george had any legal difficulties, business problems, financial headaches, i could come over here and help him out. and vice-versa. sure, and you not knowing anything about cooking and housekeeping, i could help you. it's really a beautiful house next door. just wait till you see it. i'll go make sure mr. north's got his pants on. hazel! [ ] [doorbell rings] i thought that sounded like you, hazel. well, i'm glad i didn't catch you in the tub again. well, how do you like all this gorgeous california sunshine? this what? ain't all this gorgeous california orange juice delicious? as usual, hazel, i haven't got the faintest idea what you're talking about. well, when you sell the house, you're gonna take that terrific job in california, ain't you? oh, i don't know, hazel. there's more to selling a house than showing people around. i think it's gonna take a little time. i guess i'd better call that company in california and turn the job down. oh, you're as good as in california right now, and the house is as good as sold. mr. b.'s law partner is over at our house with his bride, [daughter] sometimes the hallways felt like a giant maze. [mother] jenny didn't feel like going to school, and was up at night. she seemed irritable all the time. [daughter] it felt like there was a weight on my shoulders. and the weight was really hard to hold up. [mother] one day my daughter was crying, that's when jenny told us she thought about hurting herself. [daughter] then my parents got me treatment. that's when the bad feelings started to go away. wawant you to see this place. we don't want to shoot the price up. i can't help it. i've been in show business too long. if i see something i like, i applaud. okay, well, i'm just trying to make it easy for george. if we buy the place, i may need a little help on the down-payment. ooh. well, hazel, anything else i can do? yeah, you can start thinking up good selling points, like the beautiful park across the street and the wonderful breeze we have here in summer. dorothy: yoo-hoo! hi! oh, come on in, dorothy. rita, this is howard north. - mr. and mrs. noll. - how do you do? hazel tells me you might be interested in buying this house. "might be"? i don't see how they could resist it. the name on the mailbox should be "paradise unlimited." mention the park, the park. oh. you know, we're so lucky to have a beautiful park right across the street. sure. it's a swell place to walk the baby. - what baby? - well, you're figuring on raising a family, ain't ya? it's later than you think. what was you saying about the breeze, mr. north? - when? - well, you know, last summer, when we was all sweltering, you said you had a wonderful breeze here. oh, we have a couple of wonderful shade trees in the back yard. and they're just loaded with the cutest little squirrels. why don't you show 'em around? [ ] - oh, mr. b.-- - oh, hi, hazel. did you pick up those affidavits from mr. noll? yeah, they're in your den on the desk. and guess what? i certainly hope you didn't mention anything to him - about that house for sale next door. - why not? i just heard he's married. well, he won't be able to stay in that bachelor apartment with a wife. - and i certainly don't want him next door. - why not? "why not"? because i see enough of him at the office. that's "why not." - oh. - one of the nicest things about this house is that it's on the other side of town from harry noll. - oh. - he can't come popping in here the way he does in my office, wanting me to straighten him out from some mess he's in or borrow some money or dump his legal work on me or wanting me to think up excuses for his blundering boners. - oh! - no, wait a minute. hazel! - hmm? - what was that you were saying? - who? - you. - when? - just a second ago. you were very excited, and you said, "guess what?" oh, yeah, yeah. guess what? oh, yeah. guess what we're having for dinner tonight? pot roast. oh, i adore it! i really do! - i knew you would. - now that you've come down on the price. - you want it? - hello! hiya. how do you like the house? oh, i think it's wonderful! i'm just wild about it! then it's a deal? oh, the exciting part to me is the park across the street. that's the prize. of course, after a while, you get used to all the noise and racket, and you don't even notice it. what noise and racket? oh, all the screaming and yelling. the kids across the street playing baseball. but you're so glad they're having a good time, you think it's wonderful. and aside from all the screaming and yelling, which you get used to, and the occasional baseball through the front window, which ain't too expensive, it's just kind of paradise unlimited. hazel, would you come into the next room for a minute? oh, yes. and then there's the little squirrels with their cute little bushy tails. we set food out for 'em. of course, it attracts a lot of rats. rats? like a squirrel, and you ain't afraid of a squirrel, are you? no. the only difference between them is that the squirrels like to live outside and the rat prefers to live in. hazel, there's never been a rat in this house. never mind. i think i know what she's up to. she's trying to get the price down for me. thanks, hazel, but i'm convinced that mr. north has already quoted me his rock-bottom price. - it can't get any lower. - then it's a deal? - it's a deal. - sold. [gasps] [ ] it's ours! all ours! isn't it exciting? i got a feeling most of the excitement is gonna be next door. won't george get a kick out of this? oh, he won't get half the kick out of it i will. - well, thank you, hazel. - hazel, are you all right? oh, sure. i'm okay. well, you're standing there looking like you've been shot. no, i ain't been shot. not yet. i simply can't get over it. this house is ours! oh, no, no. no, not legally. not until mr. noll gives mr. north a check. oh. i'm glad you reminded me, hazel. i want to talk to george about that. in any case, they shook hands. but it ain't legal till mr. north accepts the check. what makes you think i won't? i have to. i just called california, accepted that job. - oh, congratulations, howard. - thanks, dorothy. it's a wonderful opportunity, but of course i couldn't take it until i got some cash for this house. ah. cash. dorothy, when do you expect george home? he's there now. i just saw his car in the driveway. well, great. let's go over and break the news to him. - come on, hazel. - no, no! i can't go! no, i got to go to the store! i got a whole list of things i got to get for missy! we don't need the black paint anymore. - the house has been sold! - well, come on. we'll be over in a minute. you both have a perfect driving record. >>perfect. no tickets. no accidents... >>that is until one of you clips a food truck, ruining your perfect record. >>yup... now, you would think your insurance company would cut you some slack, right? >>no. your insurance rates go through the roof. your perfect record doesn't get you anything. >>anything. perfect! for drivers with accident forgiveness, liberty mutual won't raise your rates due to your first accident. and if you do have an accident, our claim centers are available to assist you 24/7. for a free quote, call liberty mutual at switch to liberty mutual and you could save up to $509 call today at see car insurance in a whole new light. george.... george, have you heard the news? about harry being married? yes. - oh, hi, howard. i'm having a little coffee. - i sold the house! well, great! congratulations! and i owe everything to these two lovely ladies. oh, don't include me. hazel deserves all the credit. well, i must confess that i've been a little annoyed with hazel for the past few days, but now that you've sold the house, i'm glad she helped. the new owners will be over in a little bit. mr. noll and i closed the deal just 15 minutes ago. good, i'll be glad to... - "mr. noll"? - yeah. - harry noll? - your partner and his wife. don't spill it, mr. b. don't spill it. you sold your house to harry noll? - what's the matter, george? - in the two years you've lived next door, i've done all your legal work free, i've done your income tax free, i've brought you business contacts like mr. griffin, i even helped you sell one of your inventions, and now you do this to me? i didn't know you had anything against him. i don't want him that close. wait a minute. mr. north, you could refuse to accept - mr. noll's check, couldn't you? - yeah, i guess i could. and if you wanted to make mr. b. happy, you could offer to sell to the other people that wanted to buy. anybody but mr. noll. hazel, you said george wouldn't like any of those people as neighbors. that's why i turned them down-- to show him how grateful i was for his help. well, what about mrs. perkins? she offered to buy. george: yeah, sell it to mrs. perkins. oh, sure. mr. b. wouldn't mind the 48 cats. - forty-eight cats? - that's why she has to move from where she is now, george. - the neighbors complained. - they might start singing a little and start smiley barking. you know how he hates cats. but even if they got up on the roof, we could always call the fire department. wait, wait just a minute, now. now that i've considered the matter, maybe mrs. perkins is not the ideal neighbor. - oh, well, what about mr. swanson and his band? - "band"? he's got four sons practicing to be american beatles. i thought they might disturb you. [rhythmic beat] wait a minute, wait a minute. who else made an offer? mr. and mrs. williams. oh, but they don't get along very well, george. we heard them when they were getting out of their car. oh, yeah. he said, "when i offered to marry you, somebody should've conked me over the head!" and she said, "if you want someone to conk you over the head, i'm the one to do it." and then he says, "instead of going to a psychiatrist, you tell me your troubles all night long." "the only reason i talk to you all night long is to keep you awake. i can't stand the snoring!" well, what do you think, mr. b.? you got your choice. who do you want mr. north to sell to? mrs. perkins and her 48 cats? yeah, or mr. swanson and his american beatles? [rhythmic beat] or "somebody should've conked me over the head!" george. harry, harry, welcome! congratulations! hello, mr. baxter. i'm rita. "mr. baxter"? we're next-door neighbors. i will! looks like everything turned out okay. oh, sure. everything's gonna be just lovey-dovey for the next 10 minutes, until mr. noll tries to borrow the down-payment. and then missy and me will have to join you in california. [ ] [ [ ] [ ] i just wish i didn't have to ask you to well, after all, mr. mayor, this is why you set up your welcoming committee, isn't it? to represent your office when you can't? yeah, but of all the times for me to have to be out of town. well, i wouldn't worry. we've rolled out that red carpet for lots of these visiting dignitaries, and not one of them has tripped yet. but now this is different. believe me, this is very different. you know, ever since this pozega included our city in his tour, i have been getting memos from washington. - these are memos? - mm. these are amendments to those memos. amendments to the amendments. tell me, what's so special about this... what's his name? pozega. commissar josef pozega. mm. from the other side of the iron curtain. right. and at this point, everyone would like to put him right back behind it. you know, if anyone even sneezes, it is an insult to him, to his country, to the entire communist bloc. and it's my job to keep him from being insulted? by his country's newspapers. everything that happens is twisted into a blast at the west. - how long is he going to stay? - it's only 24 hours. he'll come in wednesday morning and leave thursday, thanksgiving morning. you meet him at the airport. i'll arrange for a car and a chauffeur. well, uh, what... what sort of sightseeing should we do? well, just keep him out of crowds and public places as much as you can. oh, and when he isn't at the hotel, encourage him to stay at your house. - at my house? - yes. you see, he particularly wants to visit typical americans in their homes. well, uh, we'll do our best, mr. mayor, but i think i'd better brief the family so we'll be prepared. i want to thank you, george. you don't know how i appreciate this. fine. [ ] well, will baxter accept the responsibility? mm-hmm. you know, i can't help feeling a little guilty about this. you know, i think this is a dirty trick to play on a nice guy like george. mr. mayor, i can assure you this is a serious business. what we're planning here is not a childish trick or a practical joke. oh, i understand that. in two months, mr. mayor, we're going to have one of the most difficult of the iron curtain bigwigs as a guest in this country. now, he's already indicated he wants to participate in the american family life around the country, and that's dynamite... unless we can find families who prove they can cope with the situation. you see, we've run tests like this before. but if we could just explain it to george... then that defeats the purpose of the test. the baxters must believe this is the real thing, not just a dry run. we're going to put them through a wringer. i'll have hostile newsmen and photographers at the airport for our arrival, anything and everything to help build the tension and strain. we want to find it out now, when it can't have international repercussions. mm. well, tell me, who is this man who's going to pretend to be commissar pozega? well, he's a member of our staff, a very convincing person and, i might add, one of the most brilliantly irritating men who ever demoralized a household. you mean this mr. commissar whatever his name is is coming here? - that's right, hazel. - when, george? - next wednesday. - the day before thanksgiving? george, you know perfectly well your sister's expecting us for thanksgiving, and i told hazel she could spend the holiday with her nephew. no problem. the commissar leaves thanksgiving morning. however, i want it clearly understood how the mayor wants us to treat him. he's a very sensitive man. people whose feelings get hurt so easy should stay home, if you ask me. hazel, i'm not asking you, i'm telling you. now, no one-- i repeat, no one-- is to do anything or say anything that might upset mr. pozega while i'm responsible for him, understand? of course, george. we're all going to smile. s-m-i-l-e. how's this? [ ] hazel, could i have one of your tablets? headache, mr. b.? remember i told you the mayor had arranged for a limousine and chauffeur? here you are, mr. b. - thanks. - what happened? the chauffeur's sick, and there isn't time to get a replacement. well, you can't drive, mr. b. you've got to give all your time to mr. pozega. - that's right. - what are you gonna do? i've got less than an hour to drive to the city garage, get the limousine, and try to find... what are you staring at me for? i'm just wondering how you'd look in a chauffeur's cap. a plot, i say it is! a typical imperialist plot! - now, commissar pozega, please. - thousands and thousands of miles i travel in my own country, in other friendly countries. am i ever sick? no. only here. a plot! - the flight was a little rough. - you want me to be sick so i will go home. but you don't know josef pozega. do your worst. i will stay here and see everything so i can tell our people how lucky they are. - commissar pozega-- - i do not like newspapermen. you are all unfriendly. you've been pretty unfriendly yourself, commissar. i might even say rude. "rude"? hah! i speak the truth! you are all afraid of the truth! - in your country, commissar-- - we do not speak of my country. well, here we're free to talk about whatever we like. - who are you? - george baxter, chairman of the mayor's welcoming committee. it's nice to meet you, mr. baxter. i'm courtney hicks, liaison with washington. nice to know you, mr. hicks. unfortunately our mayor's out of town, and i've been appointed-- another deliberate insult! i come to town, the mayor leaves. - i can assure you, mr.-- - not "mister." "commissar pozega" or "commissar" or "pozega," but never, never "mister." commissar, on behalf of our mayor and our city, i welcome you. this is my wife. - how do you do, commissar? - how do you do? in my country, the woman works. she does not waste time meeting airplanes. uh, the car is outside. look, commissar, i'll get our luggage and meet you at the hotel. good luck, mr. baxter. in other cities, i was insulted by the mayor himself, not a substitute! this way, commissar. [ ] - who is this? - i'm your chauffeur, sir. a woman chauffeur? i have not seen this before in america. this is good. i like this. what is your name, comrade? hazel, sir. you have a nice smile, comrade hazel. home, hazel. hazel, you can stop smiling now. [ ] commissar, this chair is much more comfortable. comfort? i do not want comfort. i'm not a pampered imperialist. what work do you do that entitles you to this luxury? uh, i'm a lawyer. ah, yes. one of those legal parasites, feeding on the misery and misfortune of the people you keep poor. - i am not a parasite. - excuse me, please. - as a matter of fact, commissar-- - in my country it's different. the laws are for poor people, not for a privileged few. i've arranged for you to visit a court of law this afternoon, commissar. ah, yes. where i will hear what i'm supposed to hear and see what i'm supposed to see. i think that's a little unfair for you to assume-- you accuse me, josef pozega, of being unfair? - caviar? - ah! our chauffeur, comrade hazel. you recognized me. the uniform is different, but the smile is the same. you let them exploit you, comrade hazel. - do you think so? - ah, caviar! like all good things from my part of the world. - you like it? - mmm! delicious! oh, that's good. that's american caviar. mm, not bad for an imitation. lucky the fish didn't know about it. they thought they was doing something original. everything's ready, so just let me know when you want me to serve. comrade hazel, wait. - why should you serve? - because it's my job. the petty bourgeois, they were born to serve us, you and me. - oh, just a minute. - they will serve you. i, commissar pozega, defender of the downtrodden, liberate you. oh, well, thanks just the same, but i don't want to be liberated. ah, you say that because you have only known oppression. you have never tasted freedom. but today you will. i will help you cast off your yoke. i ain't got no yoke. you and i will sit at the table, and he will serve us. i'm afraid not, commissar. - you cannot refuse me! - i can and do. you bet he does. you tell him, mr. b. - why do you refuse? - commissar, we were very happy to welcome you into our home as our guest. but we're not going to rearrange our lives to suit your whims. now, i'll take you to your hotel and arrange for a nice luncheon there. - shall we go? - you'll regret this. - there will be repercussions. - i'm sure there will be. oh, well. maybe it's just as well. hash, or maybe hamburgers. that man that spy assigned to me-- he will hear about this! but i don't know what i'm gonna do about the borscht. - george: here you are. - and the grape leaf sarma. boy, the trouble i had getting them grape leaves. of course, the piroshkis is no problem. harold liked them almost as much as american desserts. you have borscht? grape leaf sarma? piroshkis? well, naturally. i will be big. i'll stay. on our terms. - a concession. - all right, hazel, [daughter] sometimes the hallways felt like a giant maze. [mother] jenny didn't feel like going to school, and she slept during the day and was up at night. she seemed irritable all the time. [daughter] it felt like there was a weight on my shoulders. and the weight was really hard to hold up. [mother] one day my daughter was crying, she thought about hurting herself. [daughter] then my parents got me treatment. that's when the bad feelings started to go away. [ ] ah, all finished? - comrade hazel. - hmm? did some of your people come from my country? well, could be. they came from almost everyplace else. are you married, commissar? i am still looking for woman who deserves me. she'd be a rare one. hazel, maybe the commissar would like some more sarma. since i was small boy, i never have enough to eat. i had five brothers, and i was the youngest. so i always got what was left. never got your fair share, hmm? it's the same with countries. your country is like my big brothers. grab this, grab that. never mind poor little fellow. it seems to me it's your folks that do all the grabbing. - hazel... - you grab. we only protect. oh, we ain't perfect, not by a long shot. but when i bow my head tomorrow to give thanks, believe me i'll mean it. uh, tomorrow? what is tomorrow? a holiday. we call it thanksgiving. - ah, yes. more hypocrisy. - "hypocrisy"? hazel, the piroshkis. here, only a handful have cause to be thankful. in my country, all men get the best. you work well. - how much rent you pay? - i don't pay rent. i live here. oh, all right. how much rent does milkman pay? - he don't pay any rent. - you're joking. he owns his own house. not much of that in your country, i hear. hazel! the trouble with you, commissar, is that you're knocking something you don't understand. all of us ain't got the best, yeah, but we got a chance to get it. and that's cause enough for thanksgiving for me. [doorbell rings] comrade hazel... call me "hazel," "miss burke," or "hey, you," but don't call me "comrade." she is angry. hazel's partial to thanksgiving. i try to make her see how she's exploited. if anybody tried to exploit hazel, she'd give them a hot-foot. george, the driver's here to take you to court. well, how did it go? i did my best, and as you know, my best is my worst. - i was impossible! - but they didn't lose their tempers? well, there were some bad moments, but they always managed to control themselves. you mean nobody poured gravy over your head, like at the last home? no, no gravy. they were very polite to me. not servile. gracious hosts, yes, but not flunkies. i like them, especially comrade hazel. [laughs] there is a woman with fire! now, look. you don't think they suspected you weren't the genuine article? i don't think so. i was very convincing. you know, it is very difficult for a man as nice as me to be so disagreeable. did baxter say where he was going after he dropped you here? going to call them and tell them they passed the test? i think we'd better try another little experiment, just to see how they handle a real emergency. get me george baxter's office. if i act any meaner, i won't be able to stand myself. [ ] well, it's all arranged. i just talked to my nephew on the phone. he's meeting me at the bus station at 9:40 tonight. - george: dorothy! - in here, darling. oh, hi, mr. b. - george, what happened? - i have some bad news. oh, the commissar giving you trouble? he isn't leaving tomorrow. he's decided to stay over till friday morning. and you got to baby-sit him? he's staying so he can have, and i quote, a real american thanksgiving dinner with a typical family. us? but, george, we're not having dinner here. i tried to explain that to him. but i ain't shopped, mr. b. i ain't got any turkey or no cranberries and no oysters for the dressing. hazel, there's no reason for you to change your plans. even if it's a frozen tv dinner. he wants hazel here. as a matter of fact, he insists on it. but, george, why should her holiday be ruined? hazel, i can't order you to stay, but he'll make real trouble if you don't. okay, mr. b., i'll do it. [ ] "america, the land of plenty." hah! "america, the land of too much for a privileged few, not enough for the many." where do you go next, commissar? i do not know and i do not care. it is all the same. the people are the same-- cheap, no character, no individuality. applesauce. would you mind passing it? - everybody ready for dessert? - i am! - mincemeat. - me too. - sounds good. - i'll have mincemeat. you know me, hazel. your mincemeat pie is my favorite. come on, sport. you can help me. these are for you and your dad. mincemeat pie, coming right up. there you are, commissar. - there you are, missy. - thank you. uh, hazel, i need a fork. - i'll get you one. - thanks, son. - hazel, it's simply delicious. - it's really excellent. oh, thanks. me, i'm a pumpkin-eater, but that's what makes the world go 'round. - here's your fork, dad. - thanks, son. i will have another piece. oh, i'm sorry, commissar, but i cut the pie into five big pieces. there just ain't any more. fine. you will have the pumpkin. right. go ahead, hazel, take it. i don't mind. - well, maybe you don't, mr. b., but i do. - now, hazel... thanksgiving wouldn't be thanksgiving for you without a piece of my mincemeat pie. and besides, you never was partial to pumpkin. hazel, let's not make an issue out of a piece of pie. why not? harold was just asking how much pushing around a person has to take before they draw the line. well, i think this is just as good a time as any to do it. you refuse me the pie? you've been talking about how bad-off we are here in this country and how much better off people are in your country, and that everybody's equal. well, it seems to me as if equality is all right with you as long as you're more equal than anybody else. she is criticizing me. you come to this country looking for a fight, so you're sure to get one. and i think it's a shame, because there's so many more things worth looking for. i'm sorry, mr. b., but i listened to him knocking thanksgiving and sneering at america, and fair is fair, and i just couldn't take any more. i'm glad you said it, hazel. mr. hicks, i'll take you gentlemen to your hotel. hazel, you mustn't feel badly about what happened today. no, it was a lovely dinner, hazel. we all did the best we could to get along with the commissar. well, my best wasn't good enough. [doorbell rings] it's a good thing i make my living as a cook. i'm sure a dud as a diplomat. - oh. - good evening. are the baxters in? yeah. come on in. comrade hazel, where's your smile of welcome? aren't you glad to see me again? oh, sure. this is the end of a perfect day. surprise, mr. b. excuse us for dropping in on you like this, mr. baxter. - of course. - we were just having some hot chocolate. - would you care to join us? - why not? [ ] we won't keep you long, mr. baxter. i'm afraid this has been a rather hectic holiday for you folks. well, let's just say it's one we'll never forget. i will not forget it. what was said to me in this house... never has anyone talked so to me before. i thought perhaps you'd like to know washington's reaction - as to what happened here today. - oh, there were repercussions? such behavior could not go unnoticed. - but mr. b.'s not to blame. i'm the one that told you off. - this has been reported. and she said it very well. congratulations. "congratulations"? folks, allow me to introduce joe namacec. he's a member of our staff. you ain't a commissar? the only title i've got is "mister." you mean... this has been a hoax? no, not a hoax, mr. baxter. this was a test. your adaptability under pressure was being tested so that my department will know where to place the real commissar if he visits us in a few weeks. - a test? - and you passed it with flying colors. but i told him off. you were all accommodating, cordial, and reasonable, up to a point, which we hope all americans would be with a foreign visitor. but beyond a certain point, we're not going to be bullied. and it's important our foreign visitors realize that. well, i just said what i felt. it's a habit i have-- speaking my mind. - and a very good one. - to free speech. mr. b.? ain't you for freedom of speech? yes, yes, of course, hazel. i'm 100% for freedom of speech. but sometimes i do wish you didn't speak so freely. [ ] [music] you know what mr. milton got on his hi-fi, tommy? he's got a record with a lion on it. i got a book with a lion on it. this is the sound of a lion, the roar, just like you hear in the circus. i'd rather hear it at the circus. i don't know.