loud noises singing gosh, whats that, a wreck . Its a wreck alright, the one e ank drives. Frank we were just talking about you. Buenos d as, seorita betty, its so nice to see you. greeting frank buenos d as seora, seor anderson. Ive come to tell you the great thing that happened to me. [betty] you got the rose garden job no, i no hear about that yet. But this is even greater [margaret] what is it frank, go ahead and tell us. Me, frank, i am going to meet the seor governor. The governor . The governor, you . S , they sent me the telegraph. I had it here. Oh, gracias unfolding paper read it out loud to make sure its what he say. My landlady, she read it to me, but she dont read much better than me. audience chuckles mr. Frank smith, this is, wait a minute. Is that your name, smith . It was ruiz de garc a mendoza. But nobody can spell it, so i take u. S. A. Name frank we know that, but, [frank] and everybody say, what is your last name . And i say, what is most popular u. S. A. Last name . jim laughs and everybody say smith so i take it, so i be popular. audience laughs and boy, i sure am getting popular, no . audience laughs go ahead, please. [margaret] well, its franks address alright, so it must mean him. This is to inform you that your name has been drawn, to represent, represent the people of springfield at the governors dedication of Bradbury Park saturday. Well it has been chosen you [kathy] hey mommy, wheres my breakfast . Frank, hi hi seorita kathy youre friends with a big man now un gran hombre, i tell you all about it. [kathy] sure, come on, lets go in the kitchen. laughing [margaret] good. So do you know what you have to do with the governor just meet him i suppose. I say, hello, seor gov, and he say, hello, frank. family laughs [betty] oh no, theres more to it than that, frank. You have to present him with a gold model of a tractor. [frank] tractor . Yea, you also have to give a little speech. Matter of fact, this telegraph says your supposed to meet with the committee this morning at 9 30, to get all your instructions. So you better hurry [frank] 9 30 . Yea [frank] oh id better get going pronto wait a minute, wait a minute. Room 206, city hall. S , gracias. Dont forget now. No, no, seor. all say goodbye to frank jim chuckles what a happy guy. [margaret] ive never seen him so happy. Id still love to know how they picked him. frank singing outside jim laughs and that name slays me, frank smith excited music well, wheres our man frank smith . He was supposed to be here at 9 30. No ones going to miss out on a big honor like this. I cant seem to remember which of our candidates was this smith fellow, can you recall, charlie . Not exactly, but we were sure lucky to draw a name like that. Frank smith, good solid american name. loud vehicle outside newspaper boys liked it. loud crash outside scott, whats happened . Wrecking crew . jovial music audience laughs they shouldnt let those transient workers park in the main lot, makes the place look like grapes of wrath. audience laughs better call smith. picks up telephone elsie, do we have a telephone number for frank smith . What, hes here . Oh good, send him right in. hangs up telephone now, let me see, wheres that speech hes going to give . Its over here by the sofa. Buenos d as, seores. Uh, pedro. closes door buenos d as. Yes, whatever it is you want, could you come back later, were busy now. Gracias, but she say you wanted to see me. Im frank smith. whimsical music audience laughs you . Youre frank smith . S , frank smith, u. S. A. audience laughs oh, this little tractor im going to give to seor gov . Three months of careful planning. audience laughs trumpet music three long months. audience laughs door shuts [jim] well, Charlie Garrett, how are you . Come in, sit down. Hello, jim. Well, hows the park dedication shaping up . Oh, just great laughs . Sounds like its going to be a big affair, the governor and all. The seor gov you mean . audience laughs pretty funny joke you pulled on us, jim. But now how are we going to get rid of him . audience laughs rid of who, what are you talking about . Frank smith. Worst of it is, his names already been printed in the papers. Sure, we want to be democratic, draw the name of some plain, average citizen. But this laughs , this is ridiculous. audience laughs i had nothing to do with this. Dont know how . [jim] no. It was you who slipped him into the line of candidates yesterday. Heres your recommend, you can have it back. Well charlie, i laughs i admit, i did recommend frank, but [charlie] i can see how you slipped him into the line. But how did you work it that we would draw his name from that box, how did you manage that . Well fate handled that, not me. jim chuckles the reason i recommended frank was we know the reason. The thing now is to think up a graceful way of having him withdraw. Withdraw . Certainly. The governors going to be there, jim. So out steps a representative of the people of springfield to welcome him . And who is it, a broken down tramp now wait, charlie, i, i know frank very well. Theres not a finer person in this town. Hes completely honest. So hes honest, but he looks like a trying to bring a little beauty into the world through his gardening and by trying to make people happy. How many of your other handpicked candidates can match that . Look, jim, a joke is a joke. Im not joking. As far as im concerned, you couldnt have made a better selection. Hes not withdrawing. But think how he looks, how he talks, he cant even speak english now you leave that to me. Ill take full responsibility for him. sits in chair hell look alright, and hell talk alright. And youll be as proud to be his friend as i am. Youre actually serious about this, arent you . You bet im serious. Frank smiths name was drawn. And frank smith is going to be your man. victorious music commotion ok, frank. Heres your speech. And there is the whole town of springfield. cheering and this will be the gold model of the tractor. Stand up straight, and run through it once. frank clears throat audience chuckles hello, seor gov, here is your new tractor. audience laughs chuckling oh, no, frank, no, no. Hey, how i going to shake hands with the gov, with my hands all full of this junk . audience laughs dont worry about that, and dont say seor gov. Call him governor bradbury. And dont make up your own words, just use the speech the committee wrote for you. Got you. audience laughs governor brodborry, audience laughs no, no, no, no chuckles . Not brodborry, bradbury. S . Governor broadbrewery. andersons laugh thats great. As a representative of the citizens of spring oh no, not seetizens, citizens. Cit, cit. You told me to stand. audience laughs andersons laugh im beginning to swing over to Charlie Garretts viewpoint. audience laughs how am i doing so far . Great. As a representa look, frank, why dont you go in the den and work on this . With betty . audience laughs pats his back u had a chat with your daughter, whatd you tabout . What time will you be home . Whos driving . And who are you going with . Be true to yourself baby. Are those my shoes . Get your homework done first. I am so proud of you. Heres Something Else im discussing with my daughters. Its the connection between Cervical Cancer and some types of hpv, a virus that causes cervical in thousands of american women each year. And if youre africanamerican, you may be at higher risk. The good news is that Cervical Cancer can be prevented through screening. Even if they dont ways admit it, our daughters are depending on us. To learn more about the connection between cervicalanr and hpv, talk to your doctor and sit make the connection dot org. Make the connection is Public Education campaign sponsored by the Cancer Research and Prevention Foundation and the step up womens network. Cervical cancer and hpv, make the connection. Thats make the connection dot org. I just made a wild guess s , the pants are muy bueno. Good. [margaret] here, let me fix your tie. Hey, i sure going to look like something, eh . You bet, now how does that feel . Big enough . S , bastante. Whoop. No, not much good for gardening. [jim] dont worry about that. Hey, the seor govs sure going to be proud of me, eh . Not seor gov, frank, now what are you supposed to say . Governor bradahbury. Thats closer. Gracias. Hey, who gave me these clothes, the committee . [jim] not exactly. I thought it was them, because theyve been so nice. Trying to give me a trip and all. [jim] trip . What trip . Oh, the committee come to me and say, frank, how you like to make vacations trip, to yellowstones National Park . We pay the bills, heres your ticket. [jim] oh. And i say, oh, no, i got to stay here, and give the tractor to the governor. And they say, oh, we get somebody else to take your place. But i say, oh no, this my citizen duty. Good for you, frank, you said the right thing they sure must like me. All these things they try to do me. Yea, theyre trying to do you alright, thats for sure. audience laughs look, frank, just to be safe, maybe youd better stay with us until the dedication ceremony on saturday. Stay here . Sure. Oh no, too much bother. Oh no, its no bother at all. Well fix up a place for you to sleep in the den. Oh, but i need lots of fresh air. We can open the window. All the fresh air you need right here. I know, you have the camping tent . I sleep in there. Oh no, i wouldnt think of it, frank. Thats ridiculous, why would you sleep in the camping it is good to have the thing settled, gracias. [bud] the other morning he was up at daybreak, working and singing. [betty] well i kept him up quite late last night rehearsing. Hes getting pretty good now. I hope so, the ceremonys today. audience laughs i heard some noise last night, i thought the committee was trying to steal him. betty laughs could be, theyve been phoning my office the last couple days trying to locate frank. But i think we have it made now. If old frank could only remember his speech. He will, right after breakfast, well put on our full best rehearsal for you. Good. The mayor has just given the governor the keys to the city. [jim] yes. And so i now give you, the man of the people, frank smith cheering and clapping [jim] bravo, bravissimo governor bradbury, as a representative of the citys citizens of springfield, it is my honor to present you with this trophy, which symbolizes the fruits of our labor. doorbell rings [margaret] wait a minute, frank, dont go on. I want to hear the rest of it. Hey, how i am doing, bueno . family encourages him mrs. Anderson . [margaret] hello, mr. Garrett. audience laughs lets get you outside. [frank] but why . [jim] never mind, go on, frank, go on over there, come on. We want it to be a surprise. Oh s , a surprise. [betty] you stay right here, dont move until we get rid of mr. Garrett. [jim] well, Charlie Garrett, come on in, good to see you. [charlie] jim. Hows everything going . [charlie] you should know. closes door ok, jim, we give up, where have you got him hidden . audience laughs [jim] hidden . Who . Who, frank smith dont act so innocent. audience laughs time is running out, jim, so ill have to be blunt. We just plainly do not want that smith, or whatever his real name is, standing out there in front of the governor, disgracing the whole town. [jim] now wait a minute, charlie [charlie] we have another chap all set to take his place. How are you going to explain that to the newspapers . Well handle that, now look jim charlie, i told you id take full responsibility for him. And i guarantee hell do a good job. Hes been taking speaking lessons night and day. [betty] and he has a fine new suit. [kathy] and he looks pretty in it too. [bud] and hes a darn good guy. You see what youre up against charlie . Yea, quite a lobby group. audience laughs well, if you refuse to cooperate, all i can say is, he better by george make a decent showing. He will. [charlie] because if he doesnt, the whole fiascoll be on your head. Im not worried, and dont you worry either. Well see you this afternoon at the park, charlie. opens door goodbye. [margaret] goodbye. closes door [bud] boy, we sure told him, didnt we dad . [kathy] i dont like him oh charlies alright, hes just trying to make this as good as he possibly can. Ok, get frank and well finish the rehearsal. all agree frank. dramatic music frank frank, come back in the house. Were going to finish the rehearsal. knocks frank . curious music frank frank father, hes gone [margaret] oh, any luck . Not a trace of him. I checked the plant nursery, everywhere. [margaret] his landlady said she hasnt seen him either. I cant imagine where he couldve gotten to, in that old truck of his in so short a time. I dont suppose bud and the girls had any luck either. [margaret] oh theyre not back yet, but i doubt it. Well, nothing to do now, but go to the park and make Charlie Garrett happy by telling him he doesnt have to worry about frank smith anymore. Oh boy i hate to do it. [margaret] its nearly time for the dedication. Come on, we better hurry. marching band music [charlie] gosh, jim, i wish i had know about this. [steve] three minutes to go, charlie. Ok, steve. Jim, i wish youd let me know this sooner. I know i shouldve, charlie, and im sorry, but, we were so sure that wed find frank. And he was so well prepared. So luckily i have another fellow standing by to go on. Ed, can you tell that chap George Morgan to get ready to go on . Dad, dad audience laughs we found him, dad, we found him charlie, charlie, franks here he is, well its audience laughs ok, now listen, as soon as this band numbers over, crowd applauds well its over now. The mayor will present the governor with the key to the city now, and then hell introduce smith. So get him up there. [jim] ok. [jim] frank, what in the world happened to you . Seor, i must not do this. I no want to disgrace the town. [jim] youre not going to disgrace anyone. Now you just get up there and do your best. Come on. But i dont have the suit. all tell him he looks fine [kathy] go on, go on. [jim] hurry. [betty] hes still clutching one of those silly trees he was planting. [anderson family] go. jim sighs oh, he doesnt have that tractor model hes supposed to give the governor. Oh they probably have that out there. Come on, lets see if we can crowd in someplace where we can watch him. crowd applauds and now, we have a special memento for you, governor. Which comes right from the hearts of the people of springfield. And here to present it, is a man chosen from our good citizens, mister, frank smith. crowd applauds clapping chatting in crowd uh, seor governor bradbury, chuckling in background i was supposed to give you a little tractor, and say, it is the fruit of my labor. I no make tractor. This is what i do. I plant trees, and flowers, to make the world more beautiful. Today out along the highway, i have been planting trees, beautiful music and the trees will show them this is a good town, because trees are like people. And the wonderful thing about trees is that all different kinds grow side by side. No one tree say to another, you no good, dont you grow here. Instead, they bow to one another in the wind, and say, hello, amigo, and it is good. beautiful music this is what i have to give, maybe you plant it in your park. Gracias. Thank you, mr. Smith. This, this memento has quite profound significance. It, it signifies that you have a city of beauty, and true fellowship. This tree shall indeed be planted in your new park. In fact, mr. Smith and i will plant it together. joyous music this is an american elm, isnt it . Oh, s , boy, you sure know your trees, seor gov audience laughs charlie claps people in crowd whistle and cheer orchestral music [voiceover] robert young and jane wyatt with elinor donahue, billy gray, and Lauren Chapin in father knows best. Mighty Good Breakfast honey. I may put you on steady. Father, would you take this no good radio back to eberts radio shop . I cant now, i have to go to work. On saturday . Even saturday. I also have to welcome my new neighbor. Oh, honey, do you remember Walter Cameron . Walter cameron . Well, anyway, i knew him in school, a wonderful fellow. His son tom, a young lawyer, walt wrote and asked me if id sort of help the boy without the boy knowing about it. It seems hes, um, pretty independent, doesnt want any favors from his dads friends. Well, that sounds commendable. He doesnt know that i was instrumental in him getting this office, hmm. [betty] oh, it will just take you a second [jim] sorry princess, im late now. [betty] to take this radio back for me. [jim] goodbye. laughter door slams okay, whats wrong with the radio . Its disintegrating i think. Oh my goodness, its brand new, isnt it . I bought it less than a month ago. I sure got gypped. And theres nothing i hate more than being deceived. Yeah, this is just junk. Better take it back. Will you do it for me . I cant, i got to study all weekend for a physics exam. You can do it. Now i, i, i cant argue with people. They always out talk me and i wind up by getting gypped twice as bad. Well dont let them out talk you. You have to learn to be firm. Tell them that the condensers are bad, the wirings shot, the parts are cheap, just keep talking and dont let them say anything. I want to ask for my money. Or youll report him to the Better Business bureau and then walk out. laughter if i do that, how do i get my money . Dont worry, by now youll have him scared and theyll get in touch with you and then you got it made. Whered you say you bought it . Eberts. Oh heres a sales slip. Look they even got my name wrong, Peggy Anderson. That shop. If i were you betty, id go down right now, while youre all steamed up. Yeah, hit with a flat iron while its hot. upbeat orchestral music i bought this radio here and its no good. The condensers are shot, the wirings bad [man] alright, now wait a minute. And the parts are cheap and i dont intend to be taken advantage of with junk like this. I bought this on good faith and i want my money back or i will report you to the Better Business bureau. To the Better Business bureau . Heres the sales slip. Look, mr. Eberts there now wait a minute. Miss. door slams sad orchestra music ok sir, i think shell work alright now. [mr. Ebert] it be 4. 50. Heh . Oh, oh, fine. 4. 50 . Whats this . Another set that needs fixing . No, that belongs to a young lady, and i better warn you, shes pretty steamed up. She says its no good. [mr. Ebert] oh . Yes, she says she wants her money back or shell report you to the Better Business bureau. Well shes got no claim. Look here. It says right here, in black and white, no parts or labor guaranteed. Thats mighty small print. [mr. Ebert] they can read. Those are just inexpensive sets. I couldnt afford to repair them. Id go broke. Well, all i can say is youve lost a mighty pretty customer. As a matter in fact, you lost two. [mr. Ebert] now wait heres what ill do, ill sell her another one at cost. In fact, ill make it 10 even. If you want to take one to her. No, i dont actually know this gi take one to her . Yeah, yeah. Thats not a bad idea. 10 you say . Yeah, and im losing money. Ill get you another one out of the back room. romantic orchestra music Peggy Anderson. I certainly dont intend to get stuck again. No, no, of course you dont. I dont blame you. You can plug it in there. Fine. Now well test this one thoroughly. Even if it takes all day, and some times it does. What was wrong with the other one . Well, i, the condensers were overrectifying the amps so that the kilocycles fulminated the ac onto the dc. Thats bad. I see. Oh, thats mr. Ebert, from the radio shop. From the radio shop . Well, he doesnt know the first thing about a radio. Should here that line of double talk hes giving her. That guys a phony. Oh, he is not. He looked to me like a very nice young man. radio crackling you both have a perfect driving record. Perfect. No tickets. No accidents. That is until one of you clips a food truck, ruining your perfect record. Yup. Now, you would think your Insurance Company would cut you some slack, right . No. Your insurance rates go through the roof. Your perfect record doesnt get you anything. Anything. Perfect for drivers with accident forgiveness, Liberty Mutual wont raise your rates due to your first accident. And if you do have an accident, our claim centers are available to assist you 24 7. Switch to Liberty Mutual and you could save up to 509 call today at see Car Insurance in a whole new light. Tone qualitys not so good. radio announcer are you having trouble getting rid of pests in your home . Oh oh. soft string music howd he know i was here . laughing they have spies all over. Ah, listen, its brahms lullaby. Isnt that a beautiful thing . I love it. Its one of my favorites. [man] really . Mine too. Of course im a brahms man. He was a solid old boy. Every time i hear that fourth symphony of his, i hear new things in it. I tell you the symphony that really knocks me out is tchaikovsky sixth. Oh, the path\tique [man] the path\tique. Oh, that last movement. The requiem. [betty] those sign, soulful crescendos, or whatever they are. I tell you that part holds me like a big iron claw machine, in suspended, what, suspended sublimity. both laughing you know what it means . [man] no. But i do know we like the same music. What else do you like . What books do you read . What do you do for excitement . Do you play football or throw the javelin . No, but i do play tennis. [man] tennis . No kidding, i play tennis. Have you got the condensers rectifying the ac on the dc . Oh. Yes, i think everything is fine. I dont think this own should give you any troubles miss anderson. If you have any trouble, why just call me. laughter you were saying . Oh, just call me, or no, ill call you in a day or two just to check and see how its working. Thats very kind of you. Mr. Ebert. Who . You know theres something i ought to tell you about that name. Well, theres something i ought to tell you too. I wasnt really going to report you to the Better Business bureau. I was just mad because i thought you gypped me and i cant stand anyone who deceives me. Oh . I can overlook many things, but not that. Well, i dont blame you. What were you going to tell me about the name . Yes, well, just that we try to keep a good name in business, and thats why ill check with you again, on the radio. Thank you very much. Well its, its been wonderful, delivering you a radio upbeat orchestra music you better get these in the mail. Alright. What about our new neighbor . Did Young Cameron ever show up . Oh yes, hes in his office. I told him that you wanted to meet him. Good. Oh uhm, dont ever mention that he, uh, wants to make good on his own, not to trade on his dads reputation. Im just a stranger to him. Incidentally, would you mind taking phone calls for him until he gets squared around. Oh i love to. Hes my type. Just too bad hes not my age. laughter door knocking [mr. Cameron] yes. Mr. Cameron, may i come in . Oh, yes of course, come in. dramatic music well, i think youll like springfield mr. Cameron. How did you happen to pick this town . Well to be real frank mr. Anderson, i was just looking for a place where my dad didnt have any influence. Not that i have anything against my dad, hes a great guy. But hes an important attorney in our town. Hes a big man, but if i stay there, ill never be anything but his son. I can understand how you feel, and i think you picked a pretty good town. Well, i met some pretty wonderful people already. By he way mr. Anderson, youre not by any chance related to a Peggy Anderson . Peggy, no. I have two daughters, but no peggys. Course there are a lot of andersons in springfield. Phonebook has four pages of them. You know, Young Cameron appears to be a pretty bright young man. Not bad looking either. I thought maybe we should invite him to dinner some evening. As a favor to his father, of course. Dont you think so betty . Hes your friend, not mine. phone rings oh, ill get it. Hello . Who . Yeah, yeah, just a minute. Its a, for miss anderson. Its that guy ebert. I tell ya sis hes a phony. Oh stop saying that. Ill take it in the other room. laughter whats this about a phony . Whos ebert . Oh, hes the man that owns the radio shop. Betty took that radio back seems like a very nice boy. Very nice crook to me. The radio . Oh yes, its still working fine. I just wanted to make sure. Actually theres Something Else that i wanted to to tell ya. Yes. What is it mr. Ebert . Well, ah, i i just wanted to tell ya ill stand behind that radio even though it has no guarantee. laughter well thank you. Yes, good bye. sighs heavily why didnt i tell her . What am i . Miss thomas . Yes . You remember that case i told you about a few weeks ago . The fella who posed as a shop keeper to see a girl . Yes, yes. Oh. You see, the only excuse he had to call her was that stupid radio. So he kept phoning, until finally he felt like such a fool, he had to stop. That was a week ago, now. Excuse me, but is this your autobiography . Ok. Youre so smart, now tell me would i be making a mistake if i ask her for a date . Even though, we never really been introduced, and if she accepts, tell her during the date what a phony i am. Look, dont worry so much about it. Just do it. Right tonight. Hi miss thomas. Good morning mr. Cameron. Good morning. I was just talking about you at home. We decided that youve eaten enough restaurant food now so you might appreciate some home cooking. How about coming to dinner this evening . Well, id love to very much mr. Anderson. But he has a date tonight. Oh . Well, as a matter of fact i am sort of planning on it, oh sure, we can make it some other time. Perhaps tomorrow night . Wonderful good. mischievous music anyone call me today . No, mr. Ebert didnt call. You notice now that hes smoothed talked you into not reporting him to the Better Business bureau he doesnt ever call anymore. Oh, what do you know about it . I warned you about him. Oh. What are you doing here . I didnt mean to break it. Honest break what . This. I was just playing it and suddenly it made a funny noise and stopped. I thought maybe bud could fix it. Oh this is wonderful huh . Oh honey, dont worry about it. Accidents will happen. betty humming hello . Id like to speak to mr. Ebert. Youre speaking to him. You dont sound the same. Do you have a cold . No i dont. What do you want . Well, this is miss anderson and the radio miss anderson. You know the one you delivered the radio to. Lady, i dont know what your talking about. If the radio needs fixing, bring it in. What kind is it . Oh, well theres no guarantee with those. All i can do is sell you a new one at cost. What betty . Mother, buds right. Mr. Ebert is a crook. Oh now. Its true. This radio went bad like the other one, so i called him. He pretended he didnt even know me. He even disguised his voice. Oh i thought he was so nice. Now i see now, all he was doing was smoothing my ruffled feathers so i wouldnt report him. Oh if i ever see that phony again. phone ringing now i just hello . Yes . The time has come to boldly lay aside all pretense and declare my sinister intentions. Would you consider a date with me this evening . A date . after the way you just treated me what kind of a fool do you think i am . goodbye phone slams laughter laughter drowns out yelling oh i wish i could get even with him. Why dont you sue him . I might just do that. Now dont do anything like that. Wait until you father gets home and well talk it over with him. Besides i told his father id look after him. door slams misrepresentation, thats what ill sue mr. Ebert for. Hello father. And fraudulent deception. Ah betty, you dont have any basis for a law suit. But he told me over the phone that he would stand behind that radio guarantee or no. Well i should would like to talk this over with a lawyer. That would just be a waste of time. Now wait a minute. Thats not a bad idea why dont you come down to the office and talk it over with mr. Cameron . Well thats a good idea. Ill do that tomorrow. Well he needs business. Dear miss Peggy Anderson i am an impostor. door knocking my client. Come in. dramatic music [betty] what are you doing here . Are you posing as a lawyer now . No, this is what i am. Look, im not mr. Ebert. Look, i can explain how the whole thing happened. Ive heard all the talk i want from you. Im going to get a real lawyer and sue under both your names. Miss anderson [jim] i get the other copy from the file miss thomas. Whoah throw that impostor out of here. Thats mr. Ebert ebert . What are you talking about . [mr. Cameron] peggy whats going on here . Why did you tell me that peggy wasnt your daughter . Thats the girl. Oh no. laughing this is funny. I walked into the office and there was this man who says hes mr. Cameron, but really is mr. Ebert. Oh, now betty, i dont understand. How cold mr. Cameron be mr. Ebert . Well he is. Evidently he runs all kinds of rackets. Now hes passing himself off as a lawyer. Come in. Oh you again after you left the oh. Betty come back betty will you come back here . Look i better not stay. Nonsense, youre staying for dinner. Margaret, may i present mr. Tom cameron, formerly mr. Ebert. How do you do . And this is our son bud, who thinks your a crook. Honey, i just heard the most incredible story. door knocking betty please come out. [betty] no i better leave. No, no, this will work out fine. We have her trapped where shell have to listen. You ah, come over here and sit on these stairs. Stairs . Yes, come on. In case you dont know whats going on this young lawyer has gotten himself into such a mess that he needs a good attorney to defend him. Thats me. You and bud and betty are the jury. You are going to judge this man. You better pull up a bench bud so youll have a place to sit. Really mr. Anderson now all we want you to do is tell the truth. The whole truth clears throat state your name sir. Uh, tom cameron. Business . Attorney have a, have you ever used any aliases . Unfortunately yes. Once. What alias . I can hardly stand to say it. Ebert. Why did . Why did you use that alias . [mr. Cameron] well, well it sounds silly i suppose, but i was in eberts shop getting my radio fixed, when a girl came in and mistook me for the shopkeeper. [jim] could you describe that girl . [mr. Cameron] the prettiest girl ive ever seen. The moment i saw her, something happened to me. Something exciting and wonderful. Why didnt you tell he you uhm, she wouldnt give me a chance to talk, and then after she rushed out, well i tried to get ebert to do something about her radio, but all hed do was sell her another one at cost. So, i bought one. It was the only excuse i could think of to see her again. So you delivered it as mr. Ebert. [mr. Cameron] im afraid so. But i did get to see her and it was wonderful. We like the same music, the same everything. Why didnt you tell her who you really were . Well i started to, but then she told me how much she hated anyone that deceived her. So, i didnt dare. I didnt want to risk losing her. Go on. So then i made all those ridiculous calls about the radio, of caller her and asking her for a, you know the rest and i better leave. Now sit down, or ill have to site you for contempt. Jury has to vote now. Here are your ballets. How do you judge this uhm, criminal . Mark your ballets. upbeat music heres my vote mr. Eb mr. Camereron. laughter well, i dont think your a crook either bud. Now two down and uhm, one to go. While the other juryman deliberates we better step back into the judges chambers and uhm, see how dinners coming. How do you spell not guilty . laughter and applause triumphant orchestral music [ ] well, lets make a long story short. When i found out that the Little Theatre group was going to put on a home talent play for charity, i decided to try out for it. I have a better one. Really . What is it . Talk you outta the idea. That remark, brother dear, will cost you exactly 25 tickets. And hell take them. Itll also teach me to keep quiet. Tell me some more about the play, deirdre. Well, instead of doingum, uh a wellknown play, they decided to do an original comedy oh, you talkin about the home talent play theyre doin, mrs. Thompson . I was trying to. Uh, mrs. Thompson tried out for it, hazel. No kiddin. I hope you got the best part. Ii have one of the leads. Im playing a wealthy society matron. Oh, thats too bad. Sugar . What do you mean, thats too bad . Well, susie the maids the best part. [chuckles] naturally, you would think so. Well, how do you know so much about it, hazel . Well, you remember when danny came here to lunch so he and harold could do their homework together . Yes. Well, when dannys father came to pick him up, he asked if he could use the phone, and i heard what he was sayin. Who is dannys father . Max denton. Oh. I know that, hazel. Uh, what, uh what did mr. Denton say about the play . Well, i was busy. Ii wasnt listenin to everything. And besides, it aint nice to repeat what people say. Is it, mr. B . It certainly isnt. Uhwhat did he say . Well, it well, it couldnt be a secret, hazel, if he was willing to talk in front of you. Well, he just said he was buildin up susies part, and that shed probably steal the play. Well whos going to play susie . Well, i dunno, but he was talkin to mrs. Dearborne. Emily dearborne . That old ahahah. There is a gentleman present. [chuckles] emily dearborne hasnt done half the work promoting this play that i have. Besides, she certainly doesnt have the social position that i do. Yeah, she can probably only act. Act hmph she played lady macbeth once for a pta benefit i think im going to have a little talk with max. Well, whatever part you do get, deirdre, well be there. Well bring along some friends, too. Oh, well, in that case, youll need more than the 25 tickets. Ill reserve the last two rows for you. Every time i open my mouth, it costs me money. Well, mr. B, if mrs. Thompson plays susie the maid, itll be worth it. Waitll you see what happens at the end of the play oh, boy its a real zinger [chuckles] what happens . Oh, well, i dont wanna tell ya. Thats a surprise. If youre gonna buy 25 tickets, youll wanna get your moneys worth, dont ya . And, max dear, might i remind you that with my social position in the community, it wont hurt you to see that im kept happy. In this, uh. Charity play. Oh, and i want you to be happy, mrs. Thompson. Oh, yes, indeed. But the part, as i have rewritten it, calls for somebody with more understanding of the role of a maid. Go on. You see, susie has many personalities. She is thoughtful and she is gentle. Until pushed too far. And when she is confronted by an arrogant and demanding guest who barges right into her kitchen, unannounced and unwanted why, she even picks up a pie and throws it at him. A maid throws a pie at a guest . [chuckles] right in the last act. Well, if she were my maid, id fire her. Thats ridiculous and unbelievable. Mrs. Thompson, we are doing a slapstick comedy, not shakespeare. Well, you can change the last act to something more dignified. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no i couldnt max, dear. May i remind you again that i intend to buy 500 worth of tickets . Think ill change the last act. Youre a very wise man. Shall we rehearse . Yes, by all means. Uhmrs. Thompson. Now, as the curtain rises, you are discovered. Susie is right here on stage, and she is dusting, all right . Uhproceed, please. Acting, mrs. Thompson, is being able to convey to the audience what youre doing without props. Ah. Uhmaybe, uh we ought to start off with something a little more academic. Page 20ah. Here we are. Oh, this is an extremely important scene, mrs. Thompson. And if i may be permitted to show you how it goes. Hmm . Your susie is here uhoh, uh, mrs. Dearborne, i max. Dear, dear, max. Hello, deidre. Hello, emily. Im delighted with the changes, max. Uh, mrs. Dearborne, i she is the most wonderful character. And that wonderful last scene where that great, big business typhoon comes tycoon. Uhtycoon comes barging into dinner, insulting everyone. Emily, i am playing susie. And you are playing the society leader, mrs. Van alterklein. Oh, dear after all the practicing ive done . Why, i even vacuumed the drawing room today, and polished the hippo white then all is not lost. Why, ive been throwing myself into that role. You will be lovely as mrs. Van alterklein. You can throw yourself into that. Very well, max. [deep voice] mrs. Van alterklein i shall be. Fine. Now, ladies, may we rehearse . All right, now, mrs. Dearborne, you make your entrance through the door here. Chairs for a door oh, its so theatre [clears throat] yes. Um, over here, mrs. Thompson. Thats it. Now. Act, uh, one, scene two. Now. Susie is vacuuming. This is a very busy day for her. An important man is coming to dinner, and your employer, mrs. Van alterklein, is expected at home at any moment, and she wants the house to be clean all right . All right, lets get ready, now. All right. Vacuum [hums] what are you doing, mrs. Thompson . I am vacuuming oh. Excuse me. Doorbell, mrs. Dearborne. Oh, im very good with chimes, max. Then chime, by all means. Bong bong bong now, smooth your apron, susie. Thats it, now straighten your cap. And a smile. A warm, friendly smile. Bong bong bong well, i was just coming in on cue. One bong will do, mrs. Dearborne. Bong scene. [sighs] somehow, mrs. Thompson, i dont believe you have quite the right attitude for susie. [laughs] whats so funny, emily . You being a maid, deirdre. Its hysterical well, i havent had much experience in a menial capacity, emily. Thats true, mrs. Thompson. But if youre going to play susie convincingly, youre going to have to think like a maid. Feel like a maid. Perhaps hazel could help us. Hazel . She could coach you hazel . Coach me . Ha oh, but of course, thats impossible. Why is it impossible . Well, hazels far too busy a person to take time shes not so busy. Shes only a maid. Well, if you feel you know her well enough to ask her ask her . I shall demand that she coach me. Who . Me, mrs. Thompson . [laughs] oh, boy, that ive gotta see. Hazel, for heaven sakes, what are you doing to the patio . Oh, i was just gettin the stage set, so to speak, for you to rehearse bein a maid. What do you wanna do first . Scrub the patio, or dust the screens, or clean the windows . Hazel, mr. Denton just suggested that i get some technical points from you for my part. Im not going to do your work for you. Ill just sit here and study my lines, look up once in a while, and observe. I wouldnt sit there if i was you. Well, im certainly not going to stand up. Well, okay, but i did a little paintin there this mornin. Honestly, hazel, sometimes you can be very annoying. [chuckles] aint it the truth . Well, lets start off with somethin real simple, like cleanin the windows. Now, first, you hold the spray bottle up to the window, and then you push the plunger and squirt the detergent, and then dry. I dont think it takes a College Education oh, all right, then, you squirt and ill dry. Oh, first i oughta tell you one thing hazel, i believe i can handle this complicated procedure. [gasps] oh did it get on ya, mrs. Thompson . You did that on purpose. Well, that was the little somethin i wanted to tell you about. You know, you always gotta be sure that that white dot is pointed toward the window, not you. Here, you better put on this uniform, cause if it happens again, you and that mink is liable to get soaked. And anyway, thatll help put you in the mood. All right, i suppose i might as well see how i look. I really want to show you something. Karen o. 1, 2, ready, go love its a mystery all is love is love ow [howling] you know, uh, id like to order a hamburger, but im afraid to ask for it. Oh, well, why dont you order the suppressed beef petite . Whats that . Hamburger. [chuckle] what comes with it . Finger bowl with a lemon wedge. Oh, you know, housekeepin can be fun, if you just got the right attitude. For instance, just dustin these big law books of mr. Bs makes me feel smart. Oh, hazel, dont make a project out of something so simple. Oh, well, if you dont know how a maid feels and acts in real life, how you gonna act like one on the stage . Besides, mr. Denton said you is to get the full course if you wanna get that part. All right, all right. Its easier to dust than to argue with you. All right, mrs. Thompson, what do you wanna start with . Assaults and batteries . Or manslaughter and misconduct . [chuckles] thats the way. Uh, that will be all. Uhoh. Who is it . E. J. Mcclaine, the big oil tycoon. Hes got so many oil wells, he uses them for trading stamps. George, werent you supposed to do some legal work for him . I was, but hes a very difficult man to pin down. Darling, why dont you invite him over to our table . It isnt wrong to do a little business over lunch. Well, i tried that approach, but the only thing that happens is i talk, he eats, and i get stuck with the check. Well, youll just have to learn how to outfumble him. No, it cant be done. Hes an expert on the slow draw. [chuckles] theres only one thing he likes better than money, and thats good food. Well, darling, why dont you bring him home for dinner sometime . Im sure hazel could please him. Dorothy, no one can please him. Hes a difficult, temperamental, spoiled man whos only happy when hes making someone else miserable. Ive only seen him laugh once. Thats when a waiter slipped and spilled a pitcher of ice water down a ladys back. Oh, well, darling, that could be funny. Oh, that isnt funny. Well, george, whod want a man like that for a client anyway . Just about every attorney in town. Including me. If you bend your knees a little, your back wont hurt so much, mrs. Thompson. Oh, while youre over there, will you give a little swoosh under the table . Harold dropped a honey and Peanut Butter sandwich there this mornin. And, say, you better watch this. You know, you gotta bake that pie at the end of the last act. Oh, hazel, that scene is being rewritten. Oh, you mean you aint throwin the pie at the big tycoon . Thats right, i aint. Oh, thats the funniest thing in the play. Have you ever thrown a pie at someone . No. But i been tempted to a couple of times. Well, its ridiculous and its unbelievable. Well, it aint supposed to be for real, mrs. Thompson. That people used to go see and love. Youre just up on that stage, you know, to make people laugh and forget their troubles. By throwing a pie . Sure. Thats why people laugh. Seein somebody do somethin they aint got the nerve to do themselves. [chuckles] mr. Mcclaine is leaving, george. Hmm. I wonder who hes going to zero in on to pick up his check today. Butdont you want coffee, mr. Mcclaine . Oh, i see a friend of mine across the room. Mr. Baxter. Ill have my coffee with him. Oh. Oh, and, uh you can bring the check over there, please. Yes, sir. There, dont that look good, mrs. Thompson . Well, why bake a pie when you can buy one . Well, for the same reason as a composer likes to write a song, or an artist likes to paint a picture. Thats why. Um, i understand youre quite a gourmet, mr. Mcclaine. Love food. All kinds. You know what ive been trying to find . Good spaghetti and meatballs. Not easy, you know. And ive been all over the world. The only place thats come close to pleasing me is a little chop suey joint in hong kong. Spaghetti in honk kong . Well, the chef was an Exchange Student from brooklyn. Well, ii know a place much closer than that. You do . Where . Where . Our house. We think we have the best cook in the whole world. Well, baxter, youve been holding out on me, huh . [chuckles] well, now lets get upstairs, and make the beds and do a little laundry. Oh, hazel. You go right ahead. Frankly, im exhausted. Oh, well, why dont you sneak into the den and get 40 winks . I promised mrs. Chalmers id come over and babysit for her spaghetti and meatballs say, now, that sounds good. How bout inviting me tonight . Well, uhuh perhaps tomorrow night would be better, mr. Mcclaine. Well, its tonight or never, baxter. Tomorrow ill be in san francisco. Oh, well, im sure itll be all right. George, hazel can handle it. Good, ill be there at, uh6 00. Id better call hazel. We can call from the office. Uh heres the address. Your check, mr. Mcclaine. Oh, well. Well, ii seem to have forgotten my glasses. Here, mr. Mcclaine, let me read it. Well, baxter, thanks for wanting to pick up my check. Thanks thanks very much. Well, hes also an expert on the quick getaway. Well, ill just add this to his legal fee. That is, if he likes hazels spaghetti. I guess all this actin was too much for ya. Oh. [sighs] oh, youre gonna be fine. You just aint used to all this. You want me to fix ya a spot of tea . No, thanks, hazel. If i want some tea, ill fix it myself. You must be tired, too. You know somethin, mrs. Thompson . Thats the nicest thing you ever said to me. [ ] [phone rings] [rings] well, i guess hazel must have stepped out for a few minutes. Oh, well, thats all right, george. You and i can stop by the market you both have a perfect driving record. Perfect. No tickets. No accidents. That is until one of you clips a food truck, ruining your perfect record. Yup. Now, you would think your Insurance Company would cut you some slack, right . No. Your insurance rates go through the roof. Your perfect record doesnt get you anything. Anything. Perfect for drivers with accident forgiveness, Liberty Mutual wont raise your rates due to your first accident. And if you do have an accident, our claim centers are available to assist you 24 7. For a free quote, call Liberty Mutual at switch to Liberty Mutual and you could save up to 509 see Car Insurance in a whole new light. Liberty mutual insurance. [ ] hazel . I dont understand where she is, george. Its 4 00. Well, maybe she quit. One day with my sister could do that, you know. Ill go over to mrs. Chalmers. Maybe shes over there. [doorbell rings] [rings] wellmr. Mcclaine, arent you a little early . Oh, a couple of hours. I thought maybe you and i could check on some of these legal contracts. Good way to work up an appetite for some of that spaghetti, huh . Well. [chuckles] if we dont find our maid, you may have to go back to hong kong for that spaghetti. If you dont find your maid, i may have to go to hong kong for a lawyer. [chuckles awkwardly] let me take your hat. This is the perfect maid . Hazel hello, george. Oh, no. George. Oh, so she calls you george. Who are you . I happen to be a guest, and ive been invited for a spaghetti dinner. Well, dont look at me. Im not the cook. What . No, no, no, she isnt. This is my sister. Your sister . Using your sister for your maid. And i am not a maid. Shes just practicing to be one. Well, shes not going to practice cooking on me and if this is an example of the way you run your home [doorbell rings] now, just a minute, mr. Whateveryournameis. Mcclaine. Mcclaine. E. J. Mcclaine. [sighs] oh, good day, mr. Baxter. I just stopped by to see how our aspiring actress who do you think you are, busting in here demanding this, demanding that . I was invited here furthermore, no one talks to me like that. Deirdre dont you shout at me ill shout if i want to uhmr. Denton, were a little upset here. Well, now, mr. Baxter. Your sister displays more spirit than i realized she was capable of. Well, if youll excuse me tell me, who is that actor rehearsing with mrs. Thompson . Actor . Hes great hes no actor. No . Well, he certainly is convincing for an amateur. Hazel dorothy if you were my maid, sister or no sister, id fire you immediately if you were my guest, idid ooh bravo, mrs. Thompson you will be superb as susie and you, sir congratulations. A magnificent performance. [gasps] mr. Mcclaine what happened . Your maid, baxter your jewel of a maid just clobbered me with a pie. Thats what happened. Marvelous. Simply marvelous. Oh, i cant, mrs. Thompson. You just ruined my dessert for dinner. How bout that, mr. Mcclaine . You get a spaghetti dinner, a good lawyer, and a part in a play, all in one day. Talent will out, hazel. [chuckles] mmm. Best spaghetti sauce i ever tasted. Wait till youve tried one of hazels pies, mr. Mcclaine. Ive had one of hazels pies, son. [chuckles] which reminds me you got your checkbook with you, mr. Mcclaine . Checkbook . Youre not gonna charge me to eat here, are you . No, but if youre going to be in that play for charity, dont you think you oughta buy some seats . Oh, well, ill take a couple of seats. A couple of seats . Just a minute. Dont you think you oughta make it a couple of rows, mr. Mcclaine . Mmm. Uhill take five rows. Hows that . [chuckles] everything all right, hazel . Everythings just ginger peachy, mr. B. [ ] [ ] [ ] now im telling you, i will not see him. I refuse to budge from this room george, you cant refuse to talk to him who cant . The last time he was here, i told him id never loan him another dime. Well, ill admit some of his schemes dont work out, but i admire a man that dreams big. Fred george oh, george you hear that . Thats his prologue. Georgieporgie, i have an idea thatll make us both millionaires. Hazel, i want you to go downstairs and tell him that i cant see him. Tell him im well, tell him im in the shower. Me, tell a lie . Hazel, this is no time for your George Washington heroics. Just tell him im in the shower. But thats a lie. You aint in the shower. All right, if itll ease your conscience, ill stand in the shower. Well, hes standing in the shower. All right, mr. B. If thats the way you want it, ill tell him youre standin in the shower. With all your clothes on. Never mind hello, fred. Hi, georgieporgie fred, if you call me georgieporgie one more time george, i have an idea thats going to make us both millionaires meanwhile, youd like to borrow 100. Huh . Well, thats why youre here, isnt it . You want to borrow 100. Well, no. Actually, ill need 200 or 300. Itll only be a loan, of course. Ill pay it back, you see, when when . You seehuh . When will you pay it back . Well, you see when have you ever paid anything back . George, you seem kinda cross. If you had a bad day at the office, maybe id better come back tomorrow. No, no, no, no. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Fred do you know what this is . Newspaper. What section is this . Want ads. Well, what part of the want ads . Job opportunities. Look very carefully. Isnt it wonderful how this countrys boomin . Just why i feel this is the right time to make a fortune. This idea of mine, why, itll be these companies are offering jobs to men who arent too lazy to do an honest days work. Yes, theres a manpower shortage around here right now. Thatll be a problem for us. But well cross that bridge when we come to it. Fred, the only bridge i want you to cross is from here to outside the house. You did have a bad day at the office. I have a bad day every time you come to town. Here, take this with you. I hate to do this to you, fred, but im gonna let you have it right between the eyes. Im not loaning you any more money. Understand . Um. Now, if you were trying to hold down a cent job, id do anything in the world to help you. Ill always help any man whos trying to help himself. But im trying to help myself. I am. Yes, but to my money. Now, just forget about it, because the bank is closed. [chuckles] fred. You know, you could be a real credit to the human race, if you wanted to be. You have some of my blood in you veins. Heh. The only thing that worries me is that i have some of yours in me Dorothy George hello, dorothy. Hello, fred. Thanks, hazel, for the sandwiches. Oh, dont mention it. Goodbye, all. Uhuh, fred. Here, uh ill give you some money. Bye, george. Now, why did i have to be so doggone mean about it . George, now dont. Why did i have to make that snide remark about having some of his blood in me . You hurt yourself more than you hurt him, didnt you . Well. Anyway, i straightened him out once and for all, [ ] hes right. Hes absolutely right. Hi, cousin fred well, hello there, cousin harold i didnt know you were in town. Are you gonna stay with us a couple months again . No, i think ill stay in a hotel this time. Aw, i wish youd stay with us again, and so does hazel. We like to hear your stories. Thanks, harold, but i dont think your dads so keen on em. You know, your dads done mighty well for himself. He lives in a fine neighborhood. Everybodys so rich and prosperous. Dad says were not rich. He says hes always one jump ahead of the poor house. Its a rich neighborhood compared to a lot of other people. The mens wives have furs and diamonds, and maids [chuckles] and even the maids look prosperous. Theyre not as prosperous as hazel. Oh . Well, good for hazel. She kisses em every night and puts em in her foot locker. [laughs] [chuckles] that sounds like hazel. Well, im a baxter, too. I have baxter blood in my veins. I may be a little late gettin started on prosperity, you pay your Car Insurance premium like clockwork. Month after month. Year after year. Then one night, you hydroplane into a ditch. Yeah. Surprise. Your Insurance Company tells you to pay up again. Why pay for insurance if you have to pay even more for using it . If you have Liberty Mutual deductible fund , you could pay no deductible at all. Sign up to immediately lower your deductible by 100. And keep lowering it 100 annually, until its gone. Then continue to earn that 100 every year. And this savings applies to every vehicle on your policy. Call to learn more. Switch to Liberty Mutual and you could save up to 509. Call Liberty Mutual for a free quote today at see Car Insurance in a whole new light. [ ] mmhmm. I saw your employment ad in the paper about an hour ago. It looked better than the others, so i hurried right over. Well, our firm is in the process of a multimilliondollar expansion, and were desperately in need of men. Whatever you have to offer, im your man. Well, for one thing, we need a servo engineer. Capable of analyzing and evaluating feedback control requirements. A man with a working knowledge of operational calculus. And analog computer simulation. Well. [clears throat] we also need a dynamicist. Uhi beg your pardon . A dynamicist. One who can apply the principles of kinetics and kinematics to expected mechanical vibration in proposed design. Oh, heh. Are you interested . Well, no. I dont want to take a job away from a younger man who may have a family. No engineering experience, eh . [sighs] no, sir. Uhim sorry to have taken up your time. Now, wait a minute, mr. Baxter. Frederick baxter. I know a george baxter. Are you by any chance related to him . Hes an attorney. Hes a cousin, but im not using him as a reference. Any job i get, i want to get on my own merits. I like that. I really do. Sit down, mr. Baxter. [wind whistling] [yawns] i cant sleep. Cant even close my eyes. [door rattling] boy. My pocketbook i never leave my pocketbook on the floor my money my moneys gone my bonds my bonds burglars mr. B mr. B, mr. B mr. B mr. B harold george, whats the matter . What is it . I dont know. Its hazel. Shes cracked up. Cracked up . Well, i woke up to find her ransacking the dresser, then she just ran out of here with my wallet. Burglars burglars [gasps] harolds all right. Oh, i forgot to check missys fur coat in the closet. Oh the fur coats gone the silverware its true, george, my coats gone oh, darling, now dont cry. Its covered by insurance. I only wore it twice silverwares safe, but they got some of your clothes, mr. B, hazel, may i have my wallet . Oh, yeah, i forgot i had it. They not only took all your money, they took all your credit cards. Oh, brother, thats gonna mean a mess of trouble, notifying all those companies. But at least most of the things were covered by insurance. Are my bonds covered . You mean to they took your bonds . hazel, didnt i tell you to let me put them in my safe deposit box . No, no, dont touch anything no, no, not until the police get here. And how am i gonna call the police if i cant pick up the phone . But there may be fingerprints dont touch a thing. Oh, nonsense. Hazel, why dont you look around the house [rotary dial clicking] whats the matter, george . What is it . A note. A note . who from . Evidently, the burglars. [gasps] george, if you call the police, you will be sorry. George he called you george this is just to pay you back for what you did to me. You know what i mean. Is it signed . Dont be silly, of course it isnt signed. Well, whos it from . Well, how do i know who its from . What did you do to somebody . I didnt do anything to anybody. Well, he must know you. He called you george. This is just some burglars trick to start a persons conscience working, and to give himself time to get away. But how did he know your name was george . What do you mean how . He has all my credit cards, hasnt he . George, you dont suppose certainly not. Well, dont snap at me. Dont even think of such a thing. How do you know what im thinking . Because i was thinking the same thing. What are you thinking . Well, im not thinking anymore, its unthinkable. But after all, cousin fred is a baxter. And a baxter is incapable of a thing like that. This isnt even cousin freds handwriting. We could convince the police of that in a second. How . Well, well compare this with the letters he wrote asking for money. George, hes never written you asking for money. Oh, youre right. He always wired collect. Well, well compare this with the ious. You didnt save his ious, george, you thought they were worthless. Oh. Well, believe me, darling, cousin fred didnt do this. He is absolutely innocent. Will you stop acting as if youre trying to convince yourself . [exhales heavily] oh, a thing like this could develop into a very unpleasant scandal. I think its better if we dont call the police. Darling, how are you going to collect the insurance if you dont report the theft . No, we wont call the police until i can locate cousin fred to find out where he was last night. [chuckles] those burglars sure are amateurs. Look what they missed, my eiffel tower. Oh, hallelujah. The lieutenant himself is coming over. Mr. Baxter, you and your wife were alone in the house . No, our son was in his room, but they didnt go in there. Do you mind if i talk with your son . He may have heard something. Well, certainly. Darling, would you tell harold to come downstairs . Of course, dear. You and your wife and your son were the only ones in the house. No, hazel, our housekeeper, was in her room. Id like her to come in here, too. Lieutenant, i think youd make faster progress if she doesnt. Ive been in the force for 23 years. I think i know what im doing. Lieutenant, ive known hazel for 12 years, and i dont think you do know what youre doing. However, i will call her. Hazel, would you please come in here . Oh, im here already. I thought maybe the officerd like some coffee and sweet roll. Thank you. Thats very considerate of you. Not really, i just wanted to know what was going on. Aint this something . Boy that burglar going through my foot locker looking for bonds, and me asleep in the bed, not even knowing he was there. But now, im just wondering whether he was handsome. Mr. Baxter, about this note the burglar left note . I didnt know he wrote any notes. You didnt tell me, mr. B. Hazel, please do you mind if i have a look at it . Im beginning to see what you mean. I knew you would. This is just to pay you back for what you did to me. Oh, that dont mean nothing. The burglar just wrote that sos hed have a chance to get away. Thats what i figure. Mr. B hasnt got an enemy in the world. Hes the bestloved man in town. Hazel, why dont you go back in the kitchen and polish my halo . Oh, i dont mean to embarrass you, mr. B, by saying how perfect you are. You got your faults. Like yesterday, when you threw your cousin outta the house. Oh . You didnt mention that to me. Well i asked if youd quarreled with anyone lately. Well you can just forget it, because cousin fred is a baxter, and they dont come any honester than that. Suppose you tell me about that quarrel. Dad, mother said you wanted to talk to me. It was a professional burglar that did it. Who else would think to look in my foot locker for bonds . Nobody even knew i had em. I knew they were there oh, we aint thinking of putting the finger to you, sport. Did you mention those bonds to anyone else . No, sir, i never told anybody good, son. Uh, except cousin fred. Who . cousin fred. When . Yesterday afternoon. Why . He was talking about what a rich neighborhood this was, and how the women had furs and diamonds. So i told him how hazel was richer than all the other women. Oh, come on, sport, you aint had your breakfast yet. No, just a moment. I wanna hear this. What else did he say . Only he was a little late Getting Started on prosperity, i understand your position, mr. Baxter. I wonder if you really do. Man in your position, a relative suspected of burglary, but you realize we have to pick him up for questioning. Yes, i know. Its your job. Hazel . Hmm . Im sorry. Oh, thats all right, sport. When i said that, i didnt know id be getting cousin fred into trouble. No, and i guess your cousin fred didnt know hed be getting into trouble when he said it, either. But i didnt lie. I told the truth. I know you did. I wouldnt do anything to hurt him. I love him. Me too. Hazel . Hmm . Do you think he did it . Of course he didnt im absolutely certain. Im positive. I think. Do you have a picture of your cousin . No, we dont. Hes never stood still long enough to take one. Any place where we might find his fingerprints . Oh, yes. Trying to convince myself hes innocent, but good morning, hazel good morning, cousin harold. [cousin fred chuckles] how do i look . New suit, new tie. New hat. New cuff links. Cuff links . Oh, silver. No, your dad never had any like them. I opened a charge account on the strength of my new job. Job . Yes, job doesnt sound like me, does it . I knew cousin george was right, hazel. Ive wasted a lot of years chasing rainbows. But now, i found a job i really like. Wheres cousin george . I want to tell him the good news. No oh, hell be might proud of me. Oh, yes, im sure hell be, but why dont you have something to eat first . Look, i got these terrific sweet rolls. Thanks. Go on, sit down. Put some butter on em. [phone rings] baxter residence. Huh . When . Hold on a minute, will you . Be right back well, offhand, i dont know of any identifying marks. Mr. B, mr. B hazel, please dont interrupt. They got him who . Cousin fred . No, no, the man that took our stuff. He was trying to use one of your credit cards when they caught him. And the police is on the phone. Id better take that call. Use the phone in the hall, please. He had all our stuff in his car ill see that its returned, mr. Baxter. Hes in the kitchen. Cousin fred . Yeah, and guess what . Hes got a job fred got a job . Yup, he says youll be real proud of him now. Well, i im not so proud of myself, after all the things i suspected him of doing. Oh, no, george, i was the one that put those dreadful thoughts in your mind. No, darling, thats what im so ashamed of. Even before i saw the burglars note, i thought of fred. Instead of trying to find the best in him, ive always thought of the worst. Well, i aint exactly patting myself on the back for being a loyal friend. He was always very sweet to me, and i turned on him without a seconds hesitation. What disgusts me is that i wasnt even thinking of him. I was thinking of myself. Pure pride and selfinterest. I didnt want anything like that associated with my good name. Its gonna be real difficult to get that off my conscience. Well, maybe we can try. How . Well, i mean, like doing Something Real nice for him. Well do Something Real nice. Maybe well take him out to dinner or something. Dont you worry, mr. B, ill think of something. George, whatever we do, we must never, never let fred know that we suspected him. Fred, i cant tell you how happy i am that you have this job. I just came by to tell you about it and pick up my suitcase. Ill have to find myself a room somewhere room . You got a room, our guest room. And youre welcome to stay just as long as you like. Aint he, mr. B . Yes, yes, of course. Of course. And mr. B wants to take you to the country club to lunch today. Dont you, mr. B . Oh, yes. I, uh, ive been looking forward to it. And if you want to play golf, hell arrange for a guest card. And you can use his clubs. Oh, and mr. B is gonna drive you to work and home till you get a car. Aint ya, mr. B . I dont know how to thank you, cousin george. Come on, come on up to your room. Giving him my golf clubs me driving him to and from work mr. B, now that were doing something nice for him, were all gonna feel better, aint we . [music] oh, its so nice to have a mockingbird around. I love them. It couldnt have happened at a better time, eloise. That little mocker is going to get me elected president
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