[ applause ] thank you. All right. Thats very nice of you. I tell you, thatthats very nice of you, but you set off the metal detector. Would you would you remove your keys, and try it again, please . [ laughter ] youre in a wonderful mood, tonight. Yeah. I thank you, for coming. [ applause ] lemme tell you, you can never tell, when you do this show, what kind of an audience youre gonna have. Last night, we had what i would call a mean audience. During the monologue right in the middle of the monologue, a guy in a commando outfit stood up and said, its a go. Take him down [ laughter ] isnt this a gorgeous day, today . [ applause ] the sun has been out, two days in a row. [ laughter ] [ applause ] california governor deukmejian went on television, today, and told everybody that it happened [ laughter ] did you read about Fernando Valenzuela . Lot of ball players i guess an arbitration. Pitcher for the l. A. Dodgers, Fernando Valenzuela, just signed a contract for multimillions of dollars over a Million Dollars a year with a team. He is so rich, he just got a green gold card a gold green card. Oh [ laughter ] oh, what a great joke that mightve been. Yeah, thatd have been a great joke. A wonderful joke, right down the tubes. [ laughter ] he just got a green gold card. I couldnt say gold green ca only just flip those words around, and youll love that joke, on the way home. [ laughter ] tell it to yourself. Now, from time to time, i [ laughing ] i realize a lot of you are from out of town. And you wanna think of things to do. From time to time, we like to give you some suggestions, rather than the normal things you would see. I would suggest you go to the fairfax cinema this week. Its about a jewish antiterrorist unit, called the gefilte force. [ laughter ] and, in the film in the film, their job is to, uh, rescue a guy named murray, whos flying to miami, and forced to eat a nonkosher meal. [ laughter ] and it stars Chuck Norriss cousin, morris norris. [ laughter ] hey, thats better than gold green card i said i coulda said i coulda said norris morris, and loused that one up. Did you know theyre working on a sequel to delta force . I dont know if youve seen it or not called delta force ii. In this one, the delta force rescues Shelley Winters from a big mac attack. [ laughter ] theres a special on television i wanna recommend, tonight. Really oughta tune in. Its, uh, one Jacques Cousteau gets hit on the head with a philippines ballot box. Under the ocean. [ booing ] [ cheering ] i didnt have anything to do with the election, folks. [ laughter ] marcos, even though he was elected president , seems to be in a t bit of trouble, because a lot of top european diplomats said they are not, uh, going to attend the inaugural ceremonies. Marcos is worried about nobody showing up. So hes tryna get his guest list in volumes, sending out invitations. He has to borrow eds list, which says, you may already be a guest. [ laughter ] nice deal. President reagan, i guess, is back from the island of grenada, in the caribbean. Thats pretty. You said you were there, the other night. Yeah. And, uh, its a funny thing. When youre in the caribbean, you kinda get caught up in the feeling of the islands. Hes having a little, uh, trouble adjusting. Uh, his secretary came in and said to the president , this morning, uh, how long would he be working . And the president said, well, all day, [ laughter ] [ booing ] wow. You would boo a lovely song like that . You see whos gonna run for Political Office . Bob hopes son. Attorney tony hope announced that he is running i guess its a from a congressional district, here in, uh, the san fernando valley. Its gonna be strange. I have a feeling, if tony goes all the way to the top, theyll still be introducing him as, ladies and gentlemen, the president of the united states, bob hopes son. [ laughter ] you know, this is kinda a special year. You know what year this is . I just found out. This is the 60th anniversary of nbc. Thats right thats right. Sixtieth year. [ applause ] that is a long 1926 to 1986, although, i think dr. Ruth probably has got a better batting average than babe had. [ laughter ] do you know who it started who started nbc . Gentleman who was aa ham operator, david sarnoff, who got no reception on the ham. Went out and bought a radio. [ laughter ] [ booing ] became general sarnoff. And most people dont know how he came up with nbc. Do you know . No. Sarnoff was sitting a deli, in new york, and he asked the advice of three waiters nate, bernie, and chuck. [ laughter ] nate, bernie, and chuck. See . [ laughter ] he got a green gold card. [ laughter ] [ applause ] sixty years is remarkable, though. Remem the golden girls, at that time, were dating [ laughter ] sixtieth anniversary is the only one ill ever see. [ laughter ] ive been with the network 24 years, and you cant buy loyalty like that, but they did. [ laughter ] [ applause ] not sure . Well. Those of you who remember radio, and the great shows which are no longer there jack benny, fibber mcgee molly, bob hope. Who else was on, in those days . Edgar bergen, charlie mccarthy. W. C. Fields. W. C. Fields. Weve gone from that to the dating game. Sixty years, from the wireless to the brainless. [ laughter ] and, did you know that nbc is getting rid of the peacock . Awww. Thats right. The nbc peacock, which has been the logo of this network for many years, is i dont know i guess going to the peacock farm, wherever they go. [ laughter ] to represent color. But now, nbc needs something to represent stereo, so their new mascot is gonna be prince charles. [ laughter ] [ booing ] dont boo royalty, folks. [ laughter ] uh i mean, its a cruel business. You go from you go from being a logo of a big company, and today, hes the blue plate special at the nbc commissary. If you think about it in 60 years, how can you estimate the influence of the National Broadcasting you realize we have a country full of, what, Business Executives in their 60s or middle 50s professors, scientists and they all have one thing in common. Theyre all able to sing, its howdydoody time its howdydoody time. [ laughter ] hes got a gold green card. [ laughter ] [ applause ] ida been on a roll, if it hadnt been for that one joke. [ laughter ] anyway, tonight, weve got a really interesting show for you. We have a delightful young lady, who has her own around the country, and she was just nominated for an Academy Award in the color purple. Oprah winfrey is with us tonight. [ applause ] and a funny young comedian, jerry seinfeld, is with us tonight. [ applause ] and, later and a racing driver. Im almost to say i was almost gonna say female racing driver, but she is the best. She is the only one, i think, to have won the hot rod association, uh, world fuel, uh, championship three times. Miss Shirley Muldowney is with us, tonight. [ applause ] so, stay where you are, and well be right back. [ applause ] [ applause ] [ applause ] [ music ] okay. Welcome back. [ cheers and applause ] that had, without doubt, the makings of one of the greatest jokes, structurally, i have ever heard. Yeah, i everything was there. Just set up beautifully. The construction of the punch line and everything. Yeah. But, its like my saying, hey, we got a good real show, tonight. I mean, a real good show, tonight. Something doesnt come out right. Yeah. Anyway, if youve just joined us, we have, uh, Shirley Muldowney, who will be out, in a moment, oprah winfrey, uh, jerry seinfeld. Did you ever play of course you have trivial pursuit. Yes. [ applause ] i guess i dont know and its a lot of fun, and you can get a lot of hostilities out of your system when you play trivial pursuit. Yes. A lot of fights. People yell and call each other names. There have been a lot of rivals i guess, might even ripoffs. Thereve been such things as, uh, rock trivia. Mmmhmm. Mash trivia, trivia game based on time magazine. And st. Lukes hospital, in cleveland, has come out and i suppose, uh, they raise money for st. Lukes, which is a good cause with what they call healthy pursuits triviatype questions about medical knowledge and healthier living. Right. Would you like to take a go . Ill take a shot at that. We have written down some of these questions. Im the most healthconscious person you know. Yes, you are. All right. One of the one of the cards is my whole life has been devoted to moderation and good health. [ laughter ] thank you, president marcos. [ laughter ] how many chambers does the heart have . Four. Are you sure . The upper ventricle, i wish i could think of those other two and stun you, but i cant. Is it oracle . Aorta. No no. No, thats a thethe or upper ventricle, lower ventricle, and theres four am i right, with four . That was the only thing you asked me. Well, it has four chambers. Yeah. But also two bedrooms and a den. [ laughter ] the right ventricle, the left ventricle, the whats aorta the aorta . [ overlapping chatter ] right. Oracle. All right. [ chuckling ] no, no. Thats in greece. The delphi. Yes, of course. All right. What is firstaid treatment for frostbite . If you were frostbitten well, i know what you would do, but what should you normally do . [ laughter ] same thing you do for heat i think ill take ill take a guess at this, cause i think i heard is it cold something cold you put on something cold . What do you mean, something cold . I mean, like, some ice, or you have some ice around. Something to take well, you would always have ice around. [ laughter ] you actually immerse in water. Right. It doesnt say whether its supposed to be cold. Tepid water, or Something Like that. What causes warts . Virus. Virus . Its ri audience is right. Very good. Virus. Itits not a frog urologist. Its a [ laughter ] some people think frogs. Thatsthats a myth, that frogs cause warts. Its a virus. I dont even know about this. Where is the incus found . Ear. Is it near the durante . What . Near the durante . Incus dincus du no, its no, no, no. [ laughter ] incus. I have no idea. Its found in the penus. No [ laughter ] the penus. Incus in the penus. [ laughter ] [ applause ] wait, a minute. Penus. I speak real good english. [ laughter ] thats penus. Penus. The incus is found in the, uh, in the middle somebody, uh, obviously [ laughter ] obviously, theres gonna need one, shortly. [ laughter ] its found in the middle ear. Well, you know this one. What is an eeg . Yeah. Uh, what do you call it . An electrocardio cardiogram. Cardio encephalogram . I guess hmm . Im sorry, go ahead. Electroencephalogram. Yeah. If the hand of a bandaged arm goes numb, what should you do . Loosen the bandage. Thats right. [ laughter ] makes sense, to me. Ii wouldnt have guessed that. Whatwhat would you say . Pray you dont have to go to the mens room. [ laughter ] you think further into the future than i do. [ laughter ] what, um in rescue breathing, if the patients chest fails to rise with each breath, what is your first maneuver . Turn them over, and press and . In the kidney area . Below ribcage . No, they say try to open the airway by repositioning the neck. Oh. See, i didnt know that. What did napoleon die of . How many of you know . Syphilis. Somebody said syphilis. No. [ laughter ] no. Arsenic, they said. Arsenic. Lot of the caesars [ laughter ] what how much time oh, wewe shshould wrap this up soon, should we . About a minute ago. [ laughter ] bout about a minute ago what is cpr . You know that. Cardiopulmonary resuscitation. What is the name for the well, sterilization process procedures in men . You know that. Thats a vasectomy. Vasectomy, of course. Or snip. [ laughter ] or a line drive. [ laughter ] and, anyway, this says, name five of the 10 essential things to take with you when you go backpacking. Very good. No, fire starter, matches, compass, map, flashlight, firstaid kit, knife, extra clothing, food and water, and sunglasses. Mmmhmm. Fascinating. You passed almost almost passed that, yes. All right. Well be back. Shirley muldowney will join us in a moment. Oprah winfrey is here, and jerry seinfeld. But, right now, do yourself a favor, and reach for the tabasco flavor. [ applause ] [ applause ] were back. Thank you, tom. My first guest, tonight um, Shirley Muldowney is here, tonight, and, uh whose Success Story was the basis for the movie heart like a wheel is not just the worlds best female drag racer. No other driver, of either sex, has ever won the National Hot Rod associations top fuel World Championship three times. In the way of introduction, heres a clip, of shirley doing what she does for a living. [ engines revving ] [ cheers ] would you welcome, please, Shirley Muldowney . [ applause ] [ music ] thats a its a remarkable asas many times as i have seen you race every time i see one of those drag races, itsits frightening. The speeds you reach, from a dead standing start. Well, from a dead stop, through 1320 feet, we travel about 260 miles an hour. Hmm. Whew inin about, what, less than six seconds, right . About five and a half seconds. If you run a sixsecond run, youre driving a lemon. [ chuckling ] thats a lemon now, uh, about a year and a half ago. That was a bad day, yes. That youre still showing the results of what happened, and youre, uh you always drive the pink roadster, right . The pink car is an image. It was going about, what, 250 . Just under 250. Miles an hour . And it just disintegrated. Well, i had a front tire problem, and it, uh this the tube took a hold of the steering. And, at 250, the car disintegrated, when it, uh, impacted into, uh, an embankment. And theres just nothing, at that moment. We dont really know what happened. Yeah. But, the cage people think the cage is whats over your head. Right. Well, it consists of whats in front of the drivers feet. Right. And, it broke off, at my hips. So, in continued on, for about, um, 600 feet. Whew and, uh. The extent of your injury is you broke your pelvis i hate to but go over this, because all the good stuff. All the good the your legs all the good. [ chuckling ] your legs, and compound fractures i lost a thumb, which they yeah. Put back on. Is there a is there a moment and this, uh maybe you dont even recall was there a moment, when that happens, and you realize its outta control, and theres nothing you yes. Theres really nothing you can do, where anything at all flashes through your mind . Or youyou just think, at that moment, thats it. Well, i knew it was the big one, johnny. Yeah. Uh, i had a ringside seat. Ooh. And i just thought, in my mind, im in a good car. Ill ride it out. And i had id been around for about 20 years and had right. So, i thought that, you know i had i was very lucky. And, i was very lucky, right. Im lucky to be alive, because of the paramedics and the doctors in montreal. Right. Doctors in indianapolis, uh fact, the indy 500 doctor worked on me, brought me back, and made it possible for me to drive again. And you have driven since then, havent you . Even with the oh, yes. Well, modification, with the new car. But, uh, i went out at the internationals the nhra right. Opener, which is held at the paloma fairgrounds. Right. And they know they knew i was back. I qualified, number two, with a 5. 40 uh, 47, elapsed time. Right. Mile an hour was down, just a little bit. We only ran 252. 252 miles an hour. Yes. So, that the crowdll look at 252 and go, eh. All right. They wanna see 260, 265. Right. Uh, aa timeless question that people ask racing drivers and, i guess, people who flirt with their life, every time they go out some people say its a death wish. I dont really believe that. No. I suppose, as a professional, you wanna really test the limits of yourself andand the car, and see howhow close to the edge you can reallyreally do it. Well, wewe are on the edge, because we race we race a competitor, of course, and who gets there first comes back, for the second round. And, i have lost, by two 1000ths of a second. And the difference between, well say, number one and two qualifier is just can be just so a milliseconds, almost. Thats it. And, we have a timing system called a crontab system right. That, uh it doesnt lie. Its very unforgiving. And then they also have a time rea a reaction timer, on the starting line, that tells everyone and god right. How slow you were on the lights. Now and you have to live that down, in the pits. Now, many driv ii talked with some of the drivers who race, uh, say, indy, and they think the speeds are becoming excessive. Theyre, you know, now over 200 miles an hour, on that track. Mmmhmm. And they figure that if something does happen, theyre reaching the limits of where they have to almost pull the power of the cars down. Is there any limit on these on these cars . They have. Because of my accident, they stepped up the standards. The cars are now the weight limit is 1800 pounds. Mmmhmm. Ra it was 1700. Drivers compartment. But the technology right. Everything that has gone into, um, making the car safer right. The nhra theyre the first ones to step up and well, they were the first ones to accept women, on an equal basis. Lemmelemme ask you that. You are in a predominantly male sport. It is a male sport. Yeah. Uh, were you accepted, when you when you got into this racket, at all . The men say, wait, a minute. We dont need women, out here on the track. Well, they didnt say quite that. I cant repeat what they said. Well, like, ii was being [ laughter ] i was tryna be phrase that very kindly, myself, but well, what they said Something Like, gee, lets not lets not pay any attention. Or, lets not think about this, and the problem will go away. Yes. It got worse. I went to my first i went to my first drag race in 1958, and i saw a guy named big daddy don garlits. Oh. And, at that time, he was my idol. In fact, hes still my idol. But when i saw him drive a top fuel dragster yeah. I knew what i wanted to do. They have great names, dont they . One that was called don the snake prudhomme . You bet. Uhhuh. A greatgreat drag racer. Yeah. Tom the mongoose mcewen. But, nicknames have always been synonymous with the sport of drag racing. Sure. And i had one, years ago, that im not crazy about. You wanna can you tell us . Cha cha. Uh sure. Did i have to tell you . You already yes, i remember. Cha cha, wasnt it . Sure. What it we it was shorter than Shirley Muldowney, and it didnt take up much here comes cha cha. It doesnt sound shirley is nice. No. Youre accepted now, of course. I would like to think so. I would think so. Race coming up, in gainesville, florida, in a couple weeks, and, depending on howhow well i do, lets accept me. Well, ill tell ya what. We have a practice session, for ya, tonight. I heard about that. I asked you about this, but we asked you, because we wanna make sure youd do this. [ chuckling ] we have, set up in the hallways of this great network, a little drag strip of our own. [ laughter ] and weve got a couple of these carts they use. I guess youd call them golf carts that people use, and so forth. Would you and, may i race with you . I have a feeling they souped your we did not soup the car up. Ill give you your choice of cars. All right. We would never resort to such a [ laughter ] to such a crummy, underhanded trick, as to underpower your vehicle. Ill give you the choice. Fair enough . Oone condition. Sure. If i can lure you, one day mmmhmm. To come to a National Event mmmhmm. We have one the world finals right. At, uh, pomona, in october, and id like to set you in my car. [ chuckling ] and fire [ laughter ] oh, youll fit fine. Youyouyoure perfect. You dont expect me to drive that machine no, i w i wont i wont expect you to drive it, but what well do is well unhook the motor from the rear wheels. But well start it up, and have you sit on top of 3000 horsepower, and see how you like that. Thats gotta be quite a thrill. It is. Its an awesome, awesome feeling. I may i may take well, this wont be quite as awesome, out here, but [ laughter ] for us, its awesome. So, when we come back ill let the studio audience know we are going to go starter, and i think tommys man, at the finish. And wellwell race down the halls of nbc. Youre on yeah well be right back, for that exciting race [ applause ] may the better thats right. [ applause ] [ cheering ] hello there, friends. Here we are, at the race track. [ chuckling ] i noticed, shirley, occasionally, when racers they have logos. [ chuckling ] which, i understand, they get some kinda compensation . A little advertising here, johnny. Im pickin up a couple of bucks. Now, were out here, at nbcs drag strip. [ laughter ] and, this is the same place, late at night, where youll find, uh, backstage jag cruising for vanna white. [ laughter ] we have about uh, what would how far would you say that down where tommy is . I dunno. Its about about, uh, 50 yards, maybe . Yeah. Something like that. We have two fine vehicles, here. These are cars that are electric carts that are actually used, right here, at nbc. This is our audience, back here. Look at the crowd that turned out what look at the crowd, back here. [ laughter ] same crowd that night, are sitting back here. [ laughter ] or, i might say, tonight, as a matter of fact. And ed is gonna be the official starter. Yes. Uh get in your cars, please. Few rules. Few rules. All right. In drag racing yeah. If you touch the yellow line, youre out. So we have to stay on you have to stay in your lane. All right. You cant get into traffic. I cannot encroach on your lane. Thats right. Okay. And you cant dont red light, johnny. Dont red light. Okay. Would you get in your machines, please . Certainly. Here we are, at our machines. The race is about to begin. Twentyfour more payments, and i own this baby. [ laughter ] all right. Just make sure the lady and gentleman. Yes . Would you please start your engines . All right. The engines are all ready to go. Ready. Set. Wait, a minute hold it, hold it, hold it wait [ laughter ] what is this . All right. All right. Okay. I think they caught that. Im sorry. Thatsthats a foul, right . Give you another chance, now. Thats a foul. Its ready, set, and then go. Its like dialing remember . Dialing 1818. That has been the just premature acceleration. [ laughter ] and i [ applause ] its just all it is, is a little anxiety attack. Are you ready, for the race . Im ready. Ready. Ready, set, go ohhoho hes oh, come on oh, come on im coasting to a finish aw all right. [ applause ] [ cheering ] come on. Im depressed. Well, come on. And, here, to present the winner, is ourour judge, mr. Thomas newsom. Miss muldowney. I know who you are. Was it official . Yes, sir. I did win . Its a tie. Well just to be abs [ laughter ] what do you mean what do you mean its a tie . I was at forefront lets show lets show the we have a freeze frame photo finish, here. [ laughter ] does that look like a tie, to you . Youre right. [ laughing ]
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