Well, thats it, huh . No more penny ante stuff. Youre going big league stuff now. Heisting torpedoes. Wait a minute, skip. You wouldnt hit a guy with glasses, would ya . Skip, where else can we get the alcohol . Now you listen to me, you schlockmeisters you better start hightailing it for that boat before i really get mad now move salute. Fuji, come over here. While were gone, you get rid of that jungle juice. Dump it, i dont care where. Just dump it. Here. The boys will never believe this after the war. Oh, come on. Will you stop it with that diary . Well, skip, i didnt get a chance to date it. Chuck, i said move. Well, what are you standing there for . Get the lead out. Tote that crate, lift that booze. Holy smokes. Idiot mess. Sir, one of the crew is still in bed. Get out of bed, fatso. Ooh arrest that man for striking a superior officer. Ayeaye, sir. Youre under arrestsir, its a torpedo. Well, arrest the torpedo then. What . We do. What is a torpedo doing in a bunk . Hmm, whats that smell . Look, sir, it must be this insecticide. Insecticide . Ooh, thats vermouth. Vermouth, sir . This is beginning to add up. Torpedo juice, vermouth. Those pirates are making martinis. Sir, maybe we can find some olives, too. Never mind the olives. Were going to turn this off broadway brewery upside down. Come on. Lets go. Yes, sir. Ow oh, sorry, sir, i didnt mean it. Oh, that stupid do not open. This means you. What kind of nonsense is this now . The private diary of ensign charles parker, authentic and top secret. No, sir. Hmm. January 14th, dear diary, today the guys heisted 6 sets of signal flags aha. February first. Dear diary, this afternoon gruber lost the captains jeep to urulu in a poker game. Sir, all these months youve been making me pay for it. March 17th. Dear diary, tonight the guys borrowed officers uniforms and crashed the dance in the nurses quarters. Hmm, carpenter, do you realize what this means . Oh, its the discovery of the century, sir. As soon as we get back to the office, ill get the Court Martial papers ready. No, no, no, no, ive seen mchale wiggle out of too many tight ones. Im going to take this right to admiral rogers. Well let him file the charges. Ha ha ha. Thats brilliant strategy, sir. What about the torpedo, sir . Oh, darn the torpedoes and full speed ahead to my office safe. Oh, thats cute, sir. I thought youd like that. Were going to lock up dear diary until we shove off for comfleet in the morning. Oh, sir. Whats so terrible . So, he found his diary. Hold it. Hold it. Now, chuck, youve been doing a lot of scribbling lately. Exactly what did you put in that diary . Well, its just kind of collection of all the colorful things the guys have done. You mean the heists . The rackets . The dames . Everything . Please, chuck, say that you didnt put everything in that book. Well, that does it. Well, that diarys our death warrant. Firing squad, here we come. Oh, you can say that again. Binghamton will throw the book at us. Oh, no, captain lead bottom will not throw the book anywhere. He put in safe until he take to admiral rogers in morning. Admiral rogers. Hold it. Hold it. This is no time to push the panic button. What we got to do is to figure out a way to keep that book from getting to comfleet. Theres only one thing to do, skip. We got to crack that strong box tonight. Cracking a safe is no job for an amateur. Whos going to crack it . Carpys in there, loaded to the teeth. We got to get him out of here before we can move. That aint going to be easy, skip. He dont take orders from anyone except old lead bottom. Thats right. Well, now, supposing we went over binghamtons head, way over his head. [telephone ringing] lieutenant carpenter speaking. Hello, taratupa Long Distance calling. Come in washington d. C. Come in washington d. C. Here he is. My friend. My friend, this is the president. At ease. Thank you, sir. Now, see here, go get captain binghamton and make it snappy or you wont be my friend. Captain binghamton specifically ordered me not to leave here, sir. Now, look, my fellow american. I told you to go get him and snap it up. Its time for falas walk. [deep] woof, woof. [highpitched] woof, woof. You hear that . Shes getting impatient and so am i. Now get going. Yes, sir, and im sorry about fala, mr. President. Anything you say, sir. You forgot your gun. Thank you, sir. Ok, boys, the fireside chat is over. Lets get cracking. I dont understand this. Why would he want to talk to me . Hello, mr. President , this is captain binghamton speaking. Before you say anything, sir, i would just like to tell you, mr. President , that it is a great honor, sir, to be talking with you. [dial tone on phone] mr. President . Mr. President . Mr. President . Well, theres nobody on that line, you dunce. But, sir, he promised hed hold on. Well, i knew he wouldnt be calling me. I didnt even vote for the man, for heavens sake. Why would he beaah aah what . Aah, aah, aah, ahh, my diary. My diarys gone, its been stolen. This is the opportunity of a lifetime, and its gone right down the bills. Do you realize the penalty for abandoning your post in time of war . But, sir, what else could i do . I was ordered by president roosevelt. I was ordered by president roosevelt, you ninny you. What do you think cracked this safe . Calvin coolidge . Sir, i dont understand it. Fala barking. The only dog that you heard d s mchale. I can tell you that right now. He and his pirates are responsible for this thing. Ill bet my stripes on that. Lets go. Yes, sir. Aah oh, oh, ow. Get your fingers out of the safe. Get back to it. Come on. Ow my poor diary. Better it should burn than us. Uhhuh. Get ready. Here comes binghamton. Stash the bomb fire and listen, dont anybody open his mouth. Ill do all the talking. Ah, good evening, captain. A lovely day, wasnt it . Dont try the small talk with me, you overstuffed jimmy valentine. You think you fool me, dont you . Ah, im afraid i dont know what you mean, sir. You dont, huh . You never heard of the great safe robbery, i suppose. Safe robbery . Boy, its getting so you cant trust anybody nowadays. Knock it off, all of you. Ive got another method. A foolproof method and heres the fool right over here. Ensign charles parker. Here, sir. Youre under arrest. Now, wait a minute, captain. Are you accusing parker of cracking that safe . No, no, that takes talent. All i want is parkers testimony on the stand. You are going to tell admiral rogers every poison pen page of your little diary. Oh, thats impossible, sir. I have a very poor memory. I cant remember anything, captain, uh, uh, captain, what was your name . Binghamton, wallace binghamton. Oh, now you stop that. You stop all those silly things that you do. Now, you listen to me, ensign, if youre getting any ideas of developing amnesia on the stand, you just forget all about it because if you do, thats perjury, and ill nail you for about 20 years. Now, captain, lets talk this thing over. Mchale, if youve got anything to say, you say it to the chaplain. If you got any ideas about heisting my witness elroy. Sir. Hmm, how about that, huh . From now on, parker, wherever you go, then thats where ill go. And wherever i go, then thats where youll go. Until o700 hours when we shove off for comfleet. Now, lets go, mr. Houdini, and see you try and get out of this one. Come on. Come on. Come on. Get out of there. No, no. Now, now what . Here. No, no, no, no, no. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Hold it. Here. [all talking at once] here you go. Ok. There you go. Come on. I know youre in there all right. Come on, chuck. Come on. Ill handle this. Yes, yes. Oh, oh there you are. There you go, captain. Dont leave me, elroy. No, sir. Wait a minute, wait a minute. Up, up. Come on, chuck. Get up. Ohh. There you are, chuck. He got me. Keep us covered, elroy. Oh, good morning, sir. I dont know whats good about it. I didnt get a wink of sleep all night chained to this whirling dervish. Oh, boy, coffee. Oh none for prisoners. Parker, will you sit down over there . [screaming] oh, my goodness. Oh oh parker, will you watch what youre doing . Elroy, put that chair back where it belongs. Yes, yes. Get off my arm. Sorry, sir. Stop that move move . Im sorry, sir. You can lay down and take a little nap. Lay down and take a little nap. Once i get you to comfleet, ill sleep like a baby. Dreaming dreams of you and those cutthroats on the rock pile. Your plane will be ready in about 10 minutes, sir. Here you are. Let me have it. Good morning, captain. Ohh get him another cup of coffee. Right. Stop that, you simpletons. Stop that. Mchale. Yes, sir. This is all your fault. What are you doing over here anyway . Well, lets face it. Im the one that youre really gunning for, so im going to make things easy for you, sir. If you forget the whole thing and let the boys go, ill plead guilty to all charges, huh . No deal, mchale, youre through. You and your schlockmeisters are through, all of you. Ive heard of poor losers but a poor winner. Poor losers, huh . Ill [screaming] you hit it. Stop that. Oh, wait now, captain, captain, wait a minute. Let us talk this over. Ive had enough of this, you understand . Enough, enough, enough. Youve had enough. Were going to get on that plane for comfleet before you destroy this entire base. Thats Porter Island down there. Thats the halfway mark. Ha ha ha. Thats the point of no return for mchale. [giggling] [banging] whats that . That sounds like one of our engines is missing. Fire in the number 2 engine, captain. Check your parachute. Stand by to jump. Jump . We cant jump. Thats an island down there. You know how funny some people are about having strangers drop in uninvited. Were putting in the fire extinguishers now. If they dont work, theres no other way. Oh, boy. There they go. Keep your fingers crossed. Theyre working. The fires going out, were saved. You mean we dont have to jump . Yippee oh, sit down. Oh, im sorry. Aah you bumbling crack pot, look what youve done. Why, i cant look at anything, sir, i cant stand high places. Oh, i want my mother. Id like to get my hands on her myself. Copilot to pilot, theyre coming down on bora bora. Better call taratupa at once. Is that you, captain . Ooh who did you expect it to be, madame butterfly . Ill wring your fat little neck for getting me into a mess like this. Thats just want im going to do as soon as i get out of these handcuffs. Wheres the key . The key . Want me to bury the chute . Ah, wrap yourself in it first. Where is the key . I cant find the key. You know what this means . Yeah, youre going to have to pay for it. That was government property. Why . Why would i have to be stuck well, frankly, im just kind of glad to have company. Im going to kill him. First i need to get out of these things. I dont want to go through life dragging a dead body with me. Come on. Lets go. Come on. Will you put this on for me, sir . Last seen approximately one mile north of enemy airstrip. Of all the lousy breaks. Yeah, the best chance we ever had to give old lead bottom the deep 6, he has to have mr. Parker with him. There is only one way to get mr. Parker out of this mess, boys. And that is to go after him. So, come on, you bunch of apes, lets get the lead out. Were going to bora bora. Lets go. [speaking japanese] there ought to be a hacksaw in that thing. Come on. Thats kind of risky, sir. Ahahahahchoo whats the matter with you . Before id spend another night on this chain gang with you, id risk storming tokyo bay barehanded. If we ever get out of this, you see a doctor. Ill stand guard out here. Did you find anything . Yes, i found a nitwit at the end of my left arm. There, you dumb bell, theres a hacksaw. I told you there was a hacksaw. Now come on. [speaking japanese] how are we going to get out of this . We better get out of here. Get away from that. Youre not going to pull that stunt again. [men speaking japanese] dont you lay a hand on me. Im a captain. And dont lay a finger on me. Im an innocent. [all talking at once] well, we got rid of him. We got rid of him . He was the pilot. What are we going to do now . Well, its very simple. We just have to fly the thing ourselves. You dont know what a load that takes off my mind, boy. I didnt know you knew how to fly one of these things. Well, i dont. I was hoping you did. I can help you a little bit but. Never mind the box. [whistles] look at all the dials. Whatwhat do we do first . Well, theres no harness, i guess you better fasten your seatbelt first. Get your hands off of me. Ohh ohh the whole wheel is broke. Maybedo you want me to turn this on . What is it . I think its a heater. We dont need a heater. Who needs a heater at a time like this . Hey, skip. Huh . Radar blip shows enemy aircraft approaching from the north. North. There he is coming in at 11 00. Red alert. Battle stations. Parker, i swear if we dont get out of this alive, im going to kill you. Whoa holy mackerel. It looks like that nip has really been nipping. Hey, it looks like hes flying on pure sake. Holy. [indistinct] you are without a doubt. What button did you push now . Oh, i didnt push anything. Thats a boat down there firing at us. Hey, its one of ours. Its the 73. Mchales trying to kill us. They got one of our engines. Must have been virg. Hes a great shot. At a boy, virg, bulls eye. Bulls eye. Whats the matter with you . If i could just get my hands on that mchale. Skip, i picked up the nip plane on the radio. Virgil, hold your fire. Youll never get away with this, mchale. My widow will track you down to the ends of the earth. Willy, hand me that mic and cut me in fast. Ok. Captain binghamton, chuck, were right below you. Your point engine is on fire. Youre going to have to bail out. But, skip, we only got one chute, see . Give that to me. This time you can hitch a ride. I think im getting on to it now though. Never mind. Give me that and lets get out of here. Chuck, for the last time jump before that plane blows up. Hey, look. They made it. Yeehaw christy, christy, stand by, and well pick them up on the fly. Dont be afraid, captain. Stand by in the flat tail. All right. Stand by here they come nice catch, skip. Yeah, put in a good word for me to the dodgers. Come on. Lets get them out of there. Hey, ha ha ha. Hey, wheres the captain . Hi, fellas. Why me . Ok, christy. Head the old boat back to taratupa. Deny that order. This stool pigeon still has a song to sing for admiral rogers. Well, not today, sir. You see, we just received radio word that admiral rogers is going on an inspection tour. And he wont be back for at least 3 weeks. 3 weeks. Uhhuh. 3 whole weeks chained to this baboon . Oh, well, now, it wont be so bad, sir, after all, you know, tinker, with a little bit of incentive like forgetting all about that diary, we might be able to cut you loose. Well, its entirely up to you, sir, but personally i think its kicks. Kicks. Ill give you kicks. Oh, cut, cut, cut. Ok, christy, take her home captioning me possible by Nbc Universal well, were home. [men cheering] oh, listen. That was nice going, mr. Parker. Boy, is the skip going to be proud of you when he gets back from comfleet. Well, i wouldnt be too sure about that. Wait till he finds out that we stopped off at New Caledonia. [whistles] you did it for a worthy cause, sir so that virgil here could stop off and visit an old sick friend. Yeah. Well, i saw that old sick friend. She didnt look old or sick to me. Yeah. Well, like i said, mr. Parker, it was a fast recovery. Right, boys . Sure. Poor babette was saved by tender loving care. Yeah. Virgils kisses are like penicillin. [men laughing] yeah. Well, i still say im not tough enough on you guys. All right, now lets unload these crates, and lets move thats an order lets move anything you say, sir. Why dont you get that one . Oh. Yeah. I still say we could be in big trouble, boy, if the skip finds out. Hello, everybody. Maybe you could help me with this end. Miss oh, no she stowed away babette, what are you doing here . Well, now, wait a minute. Attention at ease as youcease, vous boy, does she like penicillin. Oh, no here comes the skipper boy, are we in trouble. Quick, get back in the box. And thats an order byebye for now, cheri. Oh, boy. All right, you guys. Get busy. Act as though nothings happened. Look nonchalant. Hiya, boys. Hows it going . Well, chuck, howd it go . Oh, fine. Fine, skip. Everything shapeship. I mean sheepship. Sheepshod. Everything is. Did she give you any trouble . [banging] she . She . What she . The pt73. Oh. Oh, that she. Oh, no. Everythings just fine, skip. We were oh, bad case of hiccups today. [whistles] its hereditary, like baldness. My mother had it. I mean the hiccups. My sister was bald. I mean my father. My father was bald. [female laughter] that was me, skip. I find mr. Parker so amusing. Well, im not buying it, boys. Come on, chuck. Whats in the crate . I mean anythings in the crate . Come on. Come on. Come on. Get up here. Not there here bonjour, monsieur skip ha ha ha ha ha ha. And those silly boys said you were so ferocious. Oh . Ha ha ha hey, skip, then youre not mad we got a girl stowaway . Ha ha ha me mad . Ha ha ha i could have busted every one of you down to a private seaman, you bunch of fouledup eightballs now, wait a minute, skip. Yeah, skip. Let us explain. We had nothing to do with her stowing away. Tell him, babette. He is right. It was my idea. But i thought it would be fun to be here with virgil and the boys. Fun . Do you all realize what would happen were soon going to find out, skip. Here he comes now. Jumping torpedoes virge, get her out of here, fast. But, monsieur move and keep her quiet. And get out of here. The rest of you guys, look alive. And if you know any prayers, say them. Now i lay me down to sleep oh, get up out of there. So, sir, you really think that if the deal with that frenchman bergerac goes through, it could mean a promotion for you . Of course. If the navy can buy molony island from him, we can use it as an additional supply depot, double our capacity, and the whole thing was my idea. Oh, you are brilliant, sir. In fact, i would say you are one of the most brilliant, most intelligent, most outstanding officers that i have ever stop buttering me up. Im on a lowfat diet. Attention welcome aboard, captain. Thank you, commander. Sir. Well, parker. I am here on behalf of the United States navy, parker, well, my pleasure, sir. Mchale. Yes, sir . Always good to see you, mchale. Oh . How are things at comfleet, mchale . Any word on the bergerac deal . Oh, not a thing, sir. Oh, hes a pretty hard man to deal with, that bergerac. [babette laughs and virgil shouts] what was that noise below . Uh, uh, well. Wait a minute, sir. Its a rat, a big, ugly one with beady eyes. Thats right, sir. Yes, sir. Ha ha. Hes a giant, sir. We just cant seem to get rid of him. Mr. Parker, go down there and give virgil a hand. On the double right, skip. You can count on me. That man is a menace id sooner face the rats than a person like that with. This boat is a disgrace. Carpenter, make a note. Have this boat fumigated. Yes, sir. Better still, have it condemned. Lets get out of here. Well, now dont worry about the rats, sir. You barnaclebrained. Chowderheads do you realize what youve all done . Huh . If binghamton ever sees this girl and finds out that you guys stopped off at New Caledonia without orders. Ha ha well, it was all my fault, skip. I was in command. Im going to turn in my bars. Any of you guys seen my bars . Sacre bleu, monsieur skip why