have these fellas going off to noumea with a ruddy chutney in their pocket, could we? - "have your picture taken with a genuine general." boys, now i've seen everything. - oh, no, you haven't. here comes captain binghamton. mamma mia! - get lost! ten-hut! - all right, mchale. what are you and your pirates up to now? who are you hiding back there? who is that? who, who? who are you hiding? who is that? who are you? - it's general smythe-pelly, sir. - general? - [british accent] yes. ahem. tally-ho, chaps. i seem to have lost one of my beastly medals. they must be around here somewhere. - now, captain, if you'll-- - get your hands off of me, mchale. - ow! ensign parker. aren't you a little old to be playing trick or treat? - well, i'm only 24. captain, you see, ensign parker was giving the men in class in, uh, in, uh, identification of uniforms. yes, sir. to 73, we've got it all polished and ready to shuttle you over to noumea. - mchale, you can forget all about noumea. i don't need your garbage scowl. you get the message? i won't be needing you, i won't be needing your boat. and your leave is cancelled, finished, - down the bilge. - but, captain, you can't do that. - yeah, we've been looking forward to this leave! - it ain't fair! - it's un-american! - un-american? by george, it's un-british. - [mumbling] you goof. now, surely, you men are fighting men. you can take a little disappointment. and if you can't, i'll ask the chaplain to stay open late. toodle-oo. 24. - it's too bad captain binghamton's not in. i'm afraid we'll have to leave without seeing him, general. - yes. pity, pity. i suppose i should be getting back to the airfield. i imagine those ruddy emergency repairs have been made by now. - yes, sir. - also, make a note-- - ohh! - dreadfully sorry, old man! but, accidents will happen. - accidents, my foot! you did that on purpose, parker! you filthy nincompoop, you! - well, now, see here, old chap! - don't you "old man" me! i thought i just got through telling you to take off that ridiculous disguise! [mumbling] - you must be captain binghamton! do you realize who this is? - yes, i realize who this is! this man is the world's prize nincompoop! that's who this man is and let me tell you, captain, whoever you are, you can lose your stripes just being seen in public with this goofball. - captain! i am general smythe-pelly! - and i am rex the wonder horse! and i order you to take off those silly clothes! and you take that stupid thing out of your stupid eye. you stupid! - excuse me, general. i'm terribly sorry. that man is obviously a section 8. he must mistake you for someone else, sir. i'll find out what's-- - stand easy. stand easy, captain. i think that regardless of this man's condition, he may have done us a ruddy big favor. - i don't follow you, general. first of all, i want to look at this man's file at fleetcom. if the resemblance is really that good, i have a feeling we'll be sending for this man by the fastest available transportation. now, let's get out of here. good thing i carry a spare. - i don't get it, skip. why would fleet headquarters want to talk to us? well, i don't know, but i'll never forget the look on binghamton's face when they bumped him off the plane to get us here. - at ease, gentlemen. - i'm sure you're both wondering why we sent for you. well, i won't keep you in suspense any longer. be seated, gentlemen. allied high command has planned its most important strike to date. the invasion of iroshira. that's where you come in, ensign. the success of the entire operation may rest on your shoulders. - on mine? - beggin' the captain's pardon, sir... what makes him so special? - just watch, commander. put on this beret. stick this in your eye. stand up straight. here you are. - hey, how 'bout that, skip? they got a racket just like ours! hey, how much you guys charge for pictures? - ahem! go on, captain, go on. - regardless of rank, there's probably not another person in the entire world who is such a dead-ringer for the real general smythe-pelly. [door opens] - oh, i don't know. there's a pretty good imitation. - chuck. ten-hut! quite, quite. i dare say, in a pinch you could fool winnie. - your wife? - oh, no, no, no. the prime minister. - oh, that winnie. - the semblance is amazing. - the question is will he be able to fool the enemy agents and the mayor? - well, that's a chance we're going to have to take. gentlemen, we're going to be playing a bit of a game with the nips. the stakes--10,000 lives at the battle of iroshira. - the japanese know that general smythe-pelly is going to mount his next invasion in the area, but they don't know where he's going to strike or when. - quite, quite. but we're going to fool them. and that's where you come in. now, when you're nipping about in noumea, posing as me, i shall be leading the first wave of assault at the beach. we just might catch them with their ruddy kimonos down, wot. - and even if you don't fire a shot, you might embarrass him to death. - yes. but sense of humor. now, commander, give him all the help you can. - yes, sir. you think you can handle it, chuck? it won't be easy. i don't know, skip. i've never... [british accent] we'll give it a bit of a go, general. it may be a sticky ticket-- i mean, wicket. - like they say in piccadilly, that's where your old big bend bongs. - bully, yeah. uh, do give him all the help you can. [excited chatter] - i'd say, would you watch your driving, you filthy driver. - easy, chuck. curtain going up. - yes, ohh. uh... disgraceful behavior. report this jeep to nimitz! - aye-aye, sir. yes, sir. let me help you down, sir. come right down this way, sir. yes, sir. as mayor, permit me to welcome you to noumea, the capital of new caledonia. - watch it, buster. after all, there's a crowd here. oh, your city! yes, your city, of course. yes! smashing city you have here. simply a capital, capital. - and here is a small token of esteem from the ladies of noumea. - yes. hey, the ladies, by jove, skip. - and while you are here, we hope you will think of our humble city as your own. - yes. well, yes. it would take a bit of doing, you know. you see, where i come from, we kiss the ladies and shake hands with the men. got in a good one there, right? - yes. the general wishes to thank you for your hospitality, mr. mayor, mademoiselle. thank you, sir. - how long will you be with us, general? - well, i'm afraid that's top secret, too. i mean, tip-top old secret. - oh, i hope you will not hurry away. there are so many sights i could show you. - you could? i bet she could. - yes. well, some other time, mademoiselle. you see, the general has some official duties to attend to. will you excuse us, mr. mayor? - of course. till we meet again. the key to noumea is yours. - oh. i say, it's some ruddy big doors you have around here. [laughter] - yes! general got off another good one, huh? - renee. so that is the great general smythe-pelly, eh? - he's not what i expected at all. - never mind. you will be well paid for any information we get. you think you can handle him? - once i am alone with him, he will learn why i was chosen for this assignment. - hey, skip. you really think we fooled them all? - oh, sure. you're doing fine, chuck. now, look, i'm going down, check out the whole lay-out. you understand, mon a-general? - right, skip. you know, it's gonna be kind of hard being an ensign again. - yeah. [door being unlocked] - skip? uh-- ooh. i say, skipping into the wrong room, aren't you? - no, mon general. i am in the right room. i simply had to meet you again, even if it meant bribing the bellboy for the key. - well, now, i say, that's not cricket. - that is not the game that i had in mind. - ahem. well, now, look, old boy, i feel--i mean, old man--girl. girl, yes. confound it. you know what you are. - oui, cherie. i am your slave. for years, i've worshipped the ground general smythe-pelly from afar. the man who has won a hundred battles and broken a thousand hearts. you see, it was only 99 battles and 973 hearts. can't win them all, you know? - i dreamed you would take me in your arms. - uh, i say, you're fogging my monocle. - press your lips to mine. - anyone for tea? - mmm! oh, i'm so disappointed. that could not possibly be the kiss of the firmest, great lover smythe-pelly. huh? - yeah. uh, great lover? yes! great lover. i remember now. well, you see, actually, it's a simple case of battle fatigue, don't you know? shall we have another go at it? long live the king. - that was a kiss, mon general. - well, actually, sometimes you have-- well, here we go again! well, now, i've got to be popping off. somebody's got to mind the war, you know. so... - oh, but, general! i mean, we have just met. - well-- - tell me how much time we will have together, before you leave noumea! - oh, well, probably a fourthnea. maybe a fifthnea. quite possibly a sixnea. well, now, actually, you've got to be going. we're very nearly-- - ah! - oh, bon jour, commander. the general and i were just having ze little talk. - ohh. well, you'll just have to continue "ze little talk" some other time, mademoiselle. the general is a very busy man. au revoir, au revoir. come over here. what happened? how'd she get in here? - well, she bribed the bellboy for the key, skipper. she's mad about me. - oh, come on. knock it off, will ya? hey, you didn't give anything away, did you? - now, look, you stay away from that dame, she could be trouble. come on. will ya? get ready. we're supposed to be down at the parade grounds already. come on. - can't keep the boys waiting, can we now? you old seadog, you. - well, chuck... thank goodness we're in the home stretch. "h" hour is midnight, tonight, and we've got six hours to go. come on, boy. - oh, general. why do you keep hiding from me? if i could but see you for one moment. - sorry, mademoiselle, some other time. you see, we have to get general ready now for the mayor's reception. yes. the general's a busy man. busy, busy, busy, ha ha ha! - bloody bore, but that's the way the crumpet crumbles. - always, it is the same story. the commander stays closer to him than to his own shadow! - do not worry, cherie... there is a change of plans. since he cannot be questioned, liquidated. - taxi! [engine starts] - taxi! - i say, that blighter could've caused an accident. - no harm done, general. no harm done. ha ha. that was no accident, chuck. whoever that was wanted to kill you. here comes a cab. come on, let's get out of here before there's more trouble. - there you are, doorman. keep the change/ - mchale. - [stuttering] captain binghamton, what a coincidence. imagine-- - give me back my money, you thief. you're worse than a thief, you're a deserter. your orders were to go to comfleet. - but now, captain, i can explain everything. - explain it to the firing squad. oh, it was worth the trip down here on the 73 with your bilge-rats, just to have this moment! - you mean my crew's here, too? - oh. i say, ruddy rheumatism acting up again. well, i'll be topping off. - hey, you numbskull! - who are you calling a numbskull, you filthy blanket? i'll have you flogged. - another one of those sticks. i'm warning you, you hit me again and i'm-- - and easy. it's not crict to hit a man wearing half a pair of glasses. [all yelling at once] - ohh! - i say... - some of you men take this man inside there, to try and sober him up. he just tried to assault the general here. it's going to be all right, general. come on, let's get out of here. all right, there he is. come on. take care of him. - [whistles] hey, skip. we can't run away. what about parker the mayor's reception? you said i had to go. well, you go, but you're not gonna go alone. thank goodness they're here. - what good are they going to do? they're not invited. - you're not kidding. did you see that flower pot? [whistles] pow. somebody could've got hurt. - a toast, mon general. to health, wealth, and a long life. - i say, when i say here's looking at you, i like somebody looking back. [doorbell rings] - excuse, s'il vous plait. - hey, look, skip, i-- - will you relax? our reinforcements are on the way. here. - [french accent] monsieur mayor, i am gruber, the new butler. - i ordered no butler. - agent 7-11, british secret service. and the new downstairs maid, entree vous, babette. - there is anything you wish, monsieur, just whistle. - and you are? - they always travel with the general, the king insists. babette. - voila! more guests! send in the maharajah of cockamamia! - greetings, most honored and adored sahid. nice to see you again, bubby. - yeah! inja. that's india. - the scottish ambassador to zanzibar. - hi. it's good to see you again, lottie. good man, which way to the refreshments? - the russian commissars-- "the zitovich brothers." - ah! - [speaking foreign language] - the general took the liberty of inviting some of his old friends. he knew you wouldn't mind. why don't you gentlemen step up and have some refreshments for old time's sake? - stay behind the screen. when i get the general in here, well, uh, he'll know what to do. huh? - and so i brought up the second and third wave and still no fire from the nips. i'm telling you, it was time for nerves of steel. [boom] i'm shot! - [speaking foreign language] - da! more champagne! - hey, everything all right, general? [chuckles] will you relax? we'll get you out in one piece, don't worry. captain binghamton: get out of my way! get your hands off of me... - look, skip. look who just walked in. - but, monsieur, you do not have the invitation. - i don't need an invitation. i'm a captain. - he'll blow everything. look, we got rid of him quick. chuck, get lost. get lost. come on, you guys, let's go. where is he? i've been looking all over town for him? - [indistinct] what is it? - well, somebody out there's deluded. - oh. well, never mind all that. we can be alone just-- - what are you pirates up to now? what kind of masquerade is this? - it is you who masquerade, monsieur. this man is jacques delegeres, the international jewel thief. [all yelling at once] - we must take advantage of this. - i'll give you a reward. a 6-month-- - call the police! they'll have to lock this man up. i'll explain later. - boy, they're having a bit of a downy broom out there. - never mind that. we have so little time. just sit there and take-- - let's go, men! bring him this way! - hey, you know, he's trying to kill me. - oh, why would anyone wish to do such a thing to you, my-- he's a very poor sport, you know? sorry. yours. wait. aah! ooh! quick, henri! after him! ooh! [muffled screaming] - whoa! whoa! help! no! help! help! whoa! in the name of the majesty, help! - mr. parker's in trouble. - well, where is he? - let's split up. we gotta find him. tink, come with me! - [pounding] - open the door! help! help! - help! - help me! - help! - help! - help! - uhh! - [yelling] - help! skip, i can't hold on much longer. help! - come on! let's go! [all yelling at once] - look out below! - hey, is he all right? - are you ok, mr. parker? - what time is it? - it's midnight. right on the button, general. - in that case, i never felt better in my life. i don't know how to begin to thank this chap parker. he did such a smashing job for us. - yes, sir. if it weren't for him, who knows what our casualty rate would have been. - hmm. yes. well, i suppose we should-- - ohh! i say, old man.. this is beginning to be a habit, wot! - parker, i've had it with you and your silly halloween pranks. i'm going to fix you once and for all. you numbskull, you! you phony! you crackpot! [muttering] you take-- - unhand me, you numbskull! - if i were you, captain binghamton, i'd start apologizing to the general, right now! - what general?! this is ensign... uh, general, i... ohh. let me, uh... let me help you with your things. drafty in here. your crop, sir. there you are. there you are, general. there you are. [stuttering] cheers. >> gruber: yes, friends, first came miami beach, then came beverly hills, and now it's chief urulu's paradise west. think of it -- only $50 down for a choice lot, complete with this beautiful ranch-style, split-level hut. >> tinker: and dig that construction -- genuine thatch and mud. >> christy: yeah, what a buy. if i had a family, i'd move them in tomorrow. >> tinker: i don't blame you. it's all in such good taste. gee. >> gruber: there you are -- unsolicited testimonials. and like it says here in the circular, "no smog. no tidal waves. no volcanoes." right, chief? >> oh, you say big mouthful, partner. we make high-class neighborhood. plenty school, supermarket, beer joint. >> gruber: huh? what a place to settle down in after the war -- a place to bring up your kids. so, hurry, hurry, hurry. the lots are going fast. >> mchale: hey, i wonder where what's going on over there? >> chuck: i don't know. it looks like some kind of sale. >> mchale: sale? are you kidding me? they've already sold everything that wasn't nailed down. >> chuck: well, you can always sell the island. >> mchale: the island. [ laughs ] what are you talking about? they wouldn't have the nerve to -- come on! >> gruber: all right, you land barons, who will be the first to take advantage of this great offer? speak right up. >> binghamton: i'll take one of them there lots. >> gruber: ah, there's an old salt who knows an opportunity. landlord, a prime lot -- one with a view. congratulations, sailor. this is for you. >> binghamton: uh-huh, good. and this is for you. there you go. how's that? [ chuckles ] arrest them, mps. arrest them. [ whistle blowing ] >> this is frame-up. >> mchale: gruber, you con artist! i can't stay away for 5 minutes and then -- and then -- and... captain binghamton. >> binghamton: that's right, mchale, and you're too late. you can see them on visitor's day. i really got them with the goods this time. >> chuck: well, you're in trouble, too, sir. you're out of uniform. and you forgot to shave. selling government land. defrauding naval personnel. that ought to be good for a minimum of 40 years in the federal penitentiary. >> chuck: i have a question, sir. does this mean the guys are going to miss the volleyball tournament saturday? >> binghamton: parker, i'd like to bounce you over the net a couple of times. >> mchale: captain, captain, i'm sure if we gave the boys a chance to explain. >> and what about urulu? you ruin real-estate business. go bankrupt. >> binghamton: you big fat bag of bills. if i had the authority and a strong block and tackle, i'd string you up. >> you little noisy creep. you no push urulu around. got friends in the pentagon. >> binghamton: you get your jelly belly out of here. i don't want to see you around here anymore! [ kicks ] >> i don't forget this. urulu's sensitive-natured. >> elroy: [ humming ] here they are, sir -- the court-martial papers, all prepared. >> binghamton: [ laughs ] good. gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme. look at that. aren't they lovely, huh? ah, it should be good for about 240 years. that's with time off for good behavior. >> elroy: oh, you really nailed them this time, sir. captain, when it comes to treachery and deceit, there's no one can touch you. >> binghamton: [ laughs ] thank you, elroy. thank you. and this is foolproof, too. i'd like to see mchale wiggle out of this one. >> elroy: [ chuckles ] [ telephone rings ] >> binghamton: captain wallace burton binghamton here. yo, ho, ho, and a bottle of -- admiral rogers. >> i'm glad to see you're enjoying the war, binghamton. >> binghamton: oh, yes, thank you. it's a lovely war. i mean, we were just making plans for a raid. >> never mind that. we got a problem. the navy needs the island of ono kiki. >> binghamton: ono kiki? that deserted rock? >> well, they need it for a radar station. that's where you come in. the island is owned by some natives, and we want you to negotiate for it. >> binghamton: ah, yes, sir. well, you came to the right man, admiral. >> according to our records, it's owned by a certain chief, >> binghamton: urulu. yes, chief -- urulu? >> what's the matter? aren't you friendly with him? >> binghamton: oh, yeah, yeah. yes, admiral, i'm very friendly with him. as a matter of fact, we're bosom buddies. he's a lovely person. i just saw him a little while ago. we have real kicks together. >> good. now get right on it. >> binghamton: yes, sir. you can count on me. i'll get right on it. he wants me to buy an island from urulu. >> elroy: but, sir, urulu hates you. after all, you did kick him, and a few kicks -- >> binghamton: i know. i know. i know what i did. oh, i tell you, there's only one person that can get me out of this, and i would rather face a squad of kamikaze pilots. >> mchale: i'd like to help you out of your jam, captain, but my mind -- my mind. i just can't seem to concentrate with my boys in the brig awaiting court-martial. >> chuck: he's right, sir. he hasn't been himself lately. why, he was nauseous at breakfast. >> mchale: yeah. >> binghamton: all right, all right, you blackmailers. i'll drop the charges against your pirates, but i'm warning better get that island. >> chuck: hey, skip, you hear that? the guys are free. captain, i don't care what anybody says -- you do have a heart. >> binghamton: all right, mchale, how are we going to work this? >> mchale: well, now let's face it, captain, you're not gonna like this, but it's the only way out. you're just gonna have to make friends with urulu. >> binghamton: friends? how can i make friends with him? i called him a big fat bag of bills and a jelly belly. >> chuck: well, that's not so bad, sir. i remember once there was a kid in our neighborhood that i called "stinky," and we made up. i just asked him over to the house. >> binghamton: parker, are you suggesting that i invite this cannibal over here? >> chuck: well, that's nice of you, sir, but i don't know where stinky lives anymore. >> binghamton: yeah, because we could -- not stinky! urulu. >> mchale: wait a minute. maybe chuck's got a good idea there, sir. >> chuck: see? i told you. >> mchale: yeah. you see, you invite him over here as your own personal guest. you know, give him the v.i.p. treatment. roll out the red carpet. look, treat him like an out-of-town buyer. >> chuck: yeah, then when you get him all buttered up, make him an offer for the island. >> chuck: what do you say, captain? >> binghamton: all right, we'll entertain him. but i'm warning you -- this better work. >> chuck: oh, it'll work, captain, don't you worry. captain, if you're gonna have the chief over, a couple of suggestions -- you ought to polish your shoes and shine your brass a little. you could use a hair cut, too. >> binghamton: get your hands off of me! >> mchale: chuck! >> binghamton: mchale? >> mchale: put the glasses back on. >> binghamton: mchale? >> mchale: aah! ooh! >> binghamton: there's something wrong with the lights. >> mchale: yes, yes. all right, boys, let her rip. [ "for he's a jolly good fellow" plays ] >> chuck: here, let me straighten your tie. there. uh-oh, here's a whisker that didn't get shaved. >> binghamton: ow. will you stop that? i'm going to kill him one of these days. >> mchale: easy does it, captain. [ music continues ] welcome, old noble urulu. we are thrilled beyond words that you should visit our humble base. isn't that right, sir? old noble chief, very nice of you to show up. >> i no understand you, lead bottom. this morning you call urulu name, you kick, and now you want to be buddy-buddy. what goes, eh? >> binghamton: i called you -- did you hear me i -- would i kick -- [ laughs ] i wouldn't -- if i did, that must be the war, chief -- my nerves. >> chuck: pay no attention to him. he's flipped. he's a real section 8. >> binghamton: parker. >> chuck: see how he blows up? did you see him? >> mchale: now that our guest of honor has arrived [laughs] we, uh -- we have to entertain him. >> chuck: well, how about a boat ride? why don't we take the old pt out for a spin? >> binghamton: take it out for a spin. what's the matter with you, parker? this isn't coney island. >> urulu like boat ride. urulu also like parker. >> mchale: did you hear that, captain? urulu wants a boat ride. >> binghamton: i -- uh, he wants a -- all right. take him out on the boat. i'll see you when you get back. >> wait, you come with us. you buddy-buddy now. >> binghamton: i'll buddy-buddy >> mchale: friendship, captain, remember. hey, what a beautiful day to take a friend for a boat ride. >> binghamton: friend on a boat ride. all right, friend, let's go get on the boat. we'll be shipmates. here, let me hold your doll for you. [ mumbling ] >> how do you like ride, buddy-buddy? >> binghamton: oh, it's great. great. we're gonna have to go out like this more often. >> you watch now -- urulu make u-turn. [ laughs ] >> binghamto oh! >> ooh! chow time. captain urulu invite you all for lunch. fondue! fondue! parker. mchale. >> mchale: ah, thank you. buddy-buddy. not for me, thank you. not for me. it, sir. you can't offend him now. >> binghamton: oh. w-w-what's in it? >> stuffed snake and tomato. >> binghamton: ugh. >> him no like tomato? >> chuck: hey! the reef! the reef! you're gonna hit the reef! >> mchale: urulu, turn the wheel! turn the wheel! >> binghamton: ah...ah-choo! >> mchale: gesundheit. hey, you see, there's nothing to worry about, sir. the doctor said you're going to be just fine. >> binghamton: of all the stupid schemes, having that native nitwit over here. >> chuck: well, i don't think you realize it, sir, but i think you're beginning to win him over. >> binghamton: oh, win him. win him. ah-choo! win him over? >> mchale: ah, well, easy does it, sir. tonight we'll throw him the dinner, and by the time we get through stuffing him full of booze and beans, why, he'll be willing to give you the island. >> binghamton: well, he better, mchale, or i'll court-martial you along with all the rest of them. now get out of my way. i need to get some sleep. >> chuck: oh, would you like me to read you a bedtime story, sir? "rebecca of sunnybrook farm" is my favorite. >> binghamton: parker, if i now get out of here. you keep that monster urulu out of my sight. aah! >> buddy-buddy, you got real crazy pad here. >> binghamton: what are you doing in my bed? get out of there. >> relax after hot bath. you out of clean towels. >> binghamton: if you don't get out of there, i'll -- [ telephone rings ] here, here, give me that. >> mchale: captain, captain, take it easy. remember, he's your guest. >> this navy. who you? >> what? who is this? >> never mind who this. who you? >> this is admiral rogers. get me captain binghamton, sailor. >> for you. bigmouth named rogers. >> binghamton: admiral rogers. get this cannibal out of here. >> mchale: you go with parker. >> chuck: let's go have some fun, chief -- just you and me. >> binghamton: hello, admiral rogers. so nice of you to call, sir. how's the wife? >> what's going on over there, binghamton? have you closed that deal with urulu yet? as a matter of fact, i was just talking to him. as a matter of fact, you were just talking to him. [ laughs ] >> well, stop the talking and makeim an offer. comfleet needs that radar station. >> binghamton: you'll have it, admiral. yes, sir. yes, admiral. mchale, we've got to make a deal with urulu. where is he? >> mchale: well, you just threw him out. you better apologize to him, or he'll never come to that dinner party. >> binghamton: apologize to that big -- >> mchale: ono kiki, captain. ono kiki. what does that mean, ono --? >> mchale: the island. >> binghamton: oh, the island. you're right. let's find him. ah, chiefy, yoo-hoo! urulu? where'd he go, mchale? [ tires screech ] >> mchale: watch it, captain! you're all right, captain. he just grazed you, that's all. >> binghamton: just grazed me. why, you stupid, ignorant -- >> [ giggling ] >> chuck: now, control yourself, sir. you're liable to hurt his feelings again. >> mchale: all right. >> binghamton: yes, we wouldn't want to hurt his feelings, [ laughs ] [ cheers and applause ] >> mchale, parker, captain buddy-buddy binghamton, all the rest urulu fans... thanks to navy, this best day in life. chief overcome. >> chuck: can i borrow your hanky, chief? >> binghamton: parker, control yourself. >> you all so nice to me. how can simple native pay back such kindness? >> binghamton: ah, i think we've got him, mchale. now is the time to ask him -- now, now. >> mchale: uh, chief, now that you mention it, there is a favor you can do for us. there's a little island that you have that we'd like to buy. >> of course -- ono kiki. why you take so long to ask? >> binghamton: we went through all this for nothing. sell it all along? >> what friends for, huh? [ laughs ] here ono kiki -- all sub-divided, ready for building. choice lots available, plenty beachfront, huh? now, who first? >> binghamton: i don't want any lots. we want the whole island. >> oh, that wonderful. $1,000 an acre, 400 acre, escrow charges, broker fee. oh, no, wait a minute. wait a minute. make wonderful deal for buddy-buddy, eh? whole island only $350,000. >> binghamton: $350,000?! what? if the admiral -- he'd take my eagle away from me. >> navy got money. now don't be chintzy. >> binghamton: chintzy? boat rides, using my towels! i'll -- >> mchale: captain! captain! that's no way to treat a buddy! >> oh! >> chuck: pay no attention to him. he's just a bundle of nerves. >> mchale: boys, sing. sing! >> together: for he's a jolly good native for he's a jolly... >> gruber: and i had to teach him about real estate. i created a monster. >> christy: only if there was some way we could make urulu think that that hunk of real estate he has is worthless. >> tinker: yeah, like it was being condemned for a freeway coming through. a bunch of noisy neighbors were moving in. yeah, like the japanese navy. >> fuji: japanese navy no like ono kiki. too far from geisha house. >> mchale: wait a minute. wait a minute. hold the phone. maybe you boys stumbled on to something. yes, sir, tink, gruber, go get urulu. tell him we're gonna have a cocktail party. >> a cocktail party? we just gave him a banquet. >> mchale: will you be quiet? where's mr. parker? is he still at the o.d.? >> tinker: yeah, he's stuck all day. >> mchale: ah. well, we can't wait. willy, open up the radio shack. fuji, you come with me. boy, we got a lot of rehearsing to do. come on. let's go, boys. let's go. >> [ sighs ] >> mchale: are you comfortable, chief? you need another pillow, huh? >> no, no, plenty comfortable. just so long old lead bottom don't come. big phony. >> mchale: oh, we know exactly how you feel. after all, it's your island, isn't it? and besides, what's $350,000 to the u.s. navy? >> $500,000. price go up this morning. >> tinker: $500,000? >> that include mineral rights. no down payment for veterans. fondue. fondue. >> mchale: well, that's even a better deal, isn't it, boys? [ laughs ] you betcha. but let's not mix business with pleasure. hey, boys, let's have another drink here for the chief. come on. and turn on the radio, boys. let's have a little music. >> willy: hey, guys, it's 3:00. time for "the fujiama phil show." >> who fujiama phil? >> gruber: well, he's the summer replacement for tokyo rose. [ music playing ] >> fuji: "hi, there, stupid americans. this is your favorite disc jockey, fujiama phil, broadcasting to you from the hara-kiri club in downtown tokyo. we got lots good music for you but first a word from honorable sponsor. yanks, you got nagging headache? acid indigestion? tired of fighting and losing war? why not desert? just call fujiama phil, telling where you be. we come pick you up. even send flowers." >> hear enough radio. let's talk business. >> fuji: "and now -- oh! attention. war announcement. war announcement." >> mchale: a war bulletin, chief. >> fuji: "attention. "the imperial japanese forces have just attacked island of ono kiki." >> him say ono kiki? >> fuji: "yes, that's ono kiki. o-n-o k-i-k-i, island formally owned by urulu realty company. tough luck, chief." >> mchale: how about that, boys! urulu's going to lose his island. of all the tough luck. >> pay no attention -- japanese i going to make fast deal for island -- $250 cash. >> fuji: and now for first record played by hirohito hipsters. >> chuck: hi, fuj. what are you doing? >> fuji: parker-san. parker-san. go away. you spoil. >> chuck: oh, i get it. you're playing radio station. >> that mr. parker. fuji, huh? this phony big fix. >> mchale: oh, no, no, no. that's -- that's just interference. there's a jam in the radio station. besides, the show's over. show's over. >> you can say that again. boy, they say japanese sneaky. just for that, price of island double. 1 million smackers. >> [ speaking japanese ] ono kiki! ono kiki, banzai! banzai! >> tinker: all right, when binghamton finds out the price of the island is up to $1 million, he'll lock us up and throw away the key. fault. i'm nothing but a big buttinsky. darn me anyway. >> mchale: oh, don't worry about it, chuck. we know you're sorry. we're just going to have to come all. >> chuck: well, i could kick me. >> gruber: ah. and this is what started everything -- these stupid real-estate circulars. "no smog. no tidal waves. no volcanoes." >> tinker: well, i wish there was a volcano. we could all throw ourselves in. >> willy: yeah, i'll go first. >> mchale: hey. hey, give me that. "no volcanoes." fellas, i got a feeling that ono kiki's going to have a nice, friendly neighborhood volcano. >> all: [ cheering ] >> binghamton: well, did you hear anything from mchale? w-what? >> elroy: yes, our recon plane just spotted him and urulu in the 73 boat, sir. they're heading for ono kiki. >> binghamton: ono kiki? without notifying me? there's something fishy here. >> elroy: fishy, sir? >> binghamton: fishy. i know what it is. i know what it is. mchale and urulu are in cahoots. they're trying to jack up the price of the island. >> elroy: well, we better stop them, sir. >> binghamton: oh, this is beautiful. this will get me off the hook with the admiral. >> elroy: handcuffs. >> binghamton: get the leg irons. >> elroy: leg irons. >> binghamton: get the chains. get the door. [ laughs ] get the handcuffs for yourself while you're at it, you dope. >> you sure this no trick, mchale? you pay urulu's price for island? >> mchale: oh, sure, you'll get your money. well, you got us over a barrel. all we want to do is check out the island once more. that's all. >> chuck: yeah, you know when you're paying $1 million for an island, you want to make sure there's no volcanoes. >> gruber: okay, fellas, here they come. christy, ready with those smoke bombs. fire away. >> chuck: roger. >> whoo! hoo hoo hoo! we're really buzzing along. >> mchale: yeah, we're almost -- hey, look! there's ono kiki now. hey, look at all that smoke. >> chuck: oh, no, it's a volcano. >> volcano. no can be volcano. no mountains. island flat. >> chuck: well, it's a flat volcano. they're the worst kind. >> mchale: hey, listen, listen, [ loud drumming ] >> [ chanting ] >> gruber: here they come. okay, happy, the charges. let her go. >> this little old volcano maker, me. [ loud rumbling ] >> mchale: wow! this old island is sure breaking up. >> chuck: yeah, nice place to visit, but i'd sure hate to live here. >> tinker: i'll say. pity the poor landlord. with all that noise, he'd have a heck of a time collecting the rent. >> mchale: yeah, the boys are right, chief. i don't think the navy should invest in this property. come on, let's go home, boys. >> wait, wait. urulu realty make special pre-volcano sale. make offer. >> chuck: oh, i don't know if we should take a chance, skip. remember pompeii. >> mchale: yeah, yeah. of course, if the price was right, say, like a $100? >> sold. sold. here's deed. make fast deal. >> elroy: i hope we got here in i had the throttle wide open. >> binghamton: shh. i want to sneak up on them. [ explosion ] >> elroy: good heavens, sir. what are all those explosions? >> binghamton: fool, don't you know what that is? they're blasting the stumps for the model home. look at that, carpenter -- caught in the act. oh, they'll get life for this, carpenter. this is the biggest land swindle since manhattan was swiped from the indians. >> mchale: deed looks okay, chief. you got yourself a deal. >> give pen quick. urulu sign and bug out of here. >> binghamton: all right, everybody, hands up. cover them, carpenter. >> mchale: captain binghamton, watch out for that wire! >> binghamton: what wire? [ explosion ] >> chuck: that wire, sir. >> binghamton: m-mchale, put me down. what's the matter with you, panicking like that? carpenter, did you trip on a wire? >> elroy: oh, no, sir. no, sir. >> tinker: skip, look over >> what this black stuff? >> chuck: oh, that's hot lava from the volcano. >> no hot lava -- this oil. 100 octane. >> mchale: oh, no. he struck oil. >> binghamton: who's got oil? what? what? what? >> you all tried to cheat urulu, huh? now me big oilman. want million billion for island. [ explosion ] >> binghamton: what was that? [ gunfire ] >> willy: the japanese are coming! >> gruber: a whole squadron of them! >> run for it! >> phony japanese are just like phony volcano, only no fool urulu this time. >> binghamton: fight for your captian! >> mchale: any questions? let's get out of here. how about $50? $5? take i.o.u.! >> tinker: what's the use, skip? we lost the island. we might as well go to the brig right now. >> mchale: yeah, i guess binghamton will be over with those leg irons any minute now. >> chuck: hey, did you guys hear the news? binghamton found the navy another island. >> gruber: hey, all right! >> tinker: you kidding? >> mchale: you sure, chuck? >> chuck: really -- mendora. yeah, he and the admiral are over there right now. made the deal himself. >> mchale: mendora? but that's a coral atoll. hey! hey, everybody, get over there right away, fellas. it's almost high tide. come on! >> oh, i don't know. according to the charts, mendora island should be right -- >> chuck: skip, look! >> binghamton: help! help! save us! >> oh, nice going, binghamton. 4,000 islands and you had to buy this one. help! help! >> mchale: hang on, sir! we'll save you! >> chuck: you got a nice island, captain. looks like you have a little drainage problem, though.