That has never been seen before. You can play the bagpipes. You call that a novelty act . If you play em underwater, yeah. I could sure use that money. Hmm, wish i were houdini. There was a great act. You know, i saw a novelty act once, really a great one. Oh, this was a long time ago. Had everybody fooled. The fellow had a talking dog. A talking dog . Yeah, a German Police dog. But it talked with such a heavy accent, nobody could understand it. A talking animal. Yeah, the act broke up, though, in 1929, when they found out the fellow was a ventriloquist. Who squealed . His dog. A talking animal, uh, that would be a real novelty, wouldnt it . George burns would pay 25,000 for it in a minute. If there were such a thing. Well, ill see you later. Goodbye, carol. [birds twittering] to conclude our first french lesson, repeat after me je vois marie. I see mary. Uh, uh, je vois marie. I see mary. Tu vois marie. You see mary. Tu vois marie. You see mary. Remember, that is the familiar. [chuckling] if we all see mary, she sure is. woman on radio il voit marie. Ed, wait till you hear this. Guess what . Ah, turn that radio back on, wilbur, i cant cut class the first day. George burns is offering 25,000 so . So, have a lump of sugar. Uh, whats the catch . You are the new novelty act. Me, a novelty act . What do i do thats different . Youre the only horse in the world who talks for pleasure, not for money. Ed, forget yourself once, will you . Forget yourself. Think about me. Wouldnt you like to help me . Wouldnt you like to see me free from all money worries . Believe me, wilbur, too much money only ruins people. So ruin me, ed, ruin me ive never asked you for a favor before, have i, old friend . Wont you talk to george burns, pleasas for me . Uh, excuse me, i hate to see a man cry. Look, dont you turn your back on me ed, i know how you feel, but surely we can sit down and talk this over like 2 grown like a grown man and a stubborn horse. Sorry, wilbur, ill just be another freak. And thats your final decision . Put yourself in my place. Never mind. I asked you to do me a favor. You wont do it, ok. Ok. Now, at least, i know where i stand. I am not going to beg you. I am not going to beg you, ed. The horse isnt born that will see wilbur post down on his knees. Oh, im begging you, ed. Wont you please talk to george burns . Sorry, mother taught us kids never to talk to strangers. Welcome home. Oh, hi, doll. Did you girls buy the alligator bags . Oh, no. But kay got something. Guess what you bought me for my birthday, doll. Your birthday . Thats 3 months away. Oh, but not the mayfairs sale. Thanks for the gift, angel. You have such wonderful taste. Im glad you like it. Well, do i get to see what i bought you, or are you going to surprise me with it on your birthday . Oh, wait till you see it, addison. Its a perfect gift. Something id just never have bought for myself. Thank you. Thanks, carol. Look, its a japanese ceremonial robe. Pure silk. Well . Doesnt she look like madame butterfly . Yeah, when she was a caterpillar. Oh, roger. Well, i better start wilburs dinner. Oh, carol . Id like to talk to you about wilbur. Why . Is anything wrong . Im very fond of wilbur, carol, and frankly, im worried about him. Why . I stopped by the barn this morning, and, well, i found him talking to his horse again. So what . Lots of people talk to their animals. Horses, dogs, cats, canaries. True, but they dont expect them to answer back. Oh, roger, wilbur doesnt expect mister ed to answer him. Carol, i was standing there, and i heard him begging that old plug to do him a favor. Favor . What favor . Dont ask me. All i know is that when he goes into that barn, he enters the twilight zone. He talks to that animal as if it were human, and do you know why . Exactly. Butterfly, one more crack like that and ill reach for the net. Why does wilbur talk to mister ed so much . Now, i dont want to offend you, carol, but i suspect its because he feels he has no one else to confide in. Oh, well, im his wife, he can confide in me. Im not so sure. This morning at breakfast, he was trying to talk about something that was very important to him, and all you could talk about was alligator bags. I hate to admit it, but i think addison makes sense. I think so, too. Thank you very much, roger. From now on, when wilbur talks to me, im going to listen. Im going to try and be an understanding wife. Good girl. Byebye. Bye. There must be a way to make him talk. Humans are smarter than animals. There must be a way to keep him from pestering me. I gotta make him talk to george burns. Im not talking to george burns. Darling, i heard you mumbling. Is anything bothering you . Something i can help you with . No, no, ii have a problem. Only i can solve i i wilbur, remember how we used to talk before we were married . Who talked . We were always neckin. Darling, please share your problem with me. All right. Honey, ifif you wanted somebody to talk and he was acting stubborn, how would you go about breaking him down . Well, what is it you want him to say . Anything. Lincolns gettysburg address, how now, brown cow, hello, goodbye. Thanks for the 25,000. What 25,000 . I know what youre going to say goad him into talking. Tell him how stupid hes acting. Tell him his i. Q. Is the lowest. Whose i. Q. . Thats it honey, youve solved it appeal to his pride thank you, my sweetheart ed, im sorry i tried to make you talk, old buddy boy. Huh . Ive, uh, just been reading this book on animal psychology. It says that horses have the lowest i. Q. Of the animal kingdom. All right, so im stupid. Get me a dunce cap. Dont believe me, huh . Just let me read you what it says here. Ahem. Uh, monkeys, dogs, cats and cows are all smarter than the horse. Even the lowly mule is a genius compared to the horse. Ah, name me one mule that ever won the kentucky derby. Havent you got any pride . Look, lllisten to this according to i. Q. Tests, even a skunk is more intelligent than a horse. Then how come he doesnt take showers . Excuse me. I am not going to tell you. Ed, doesnt it bother you that psychologists consider the horse stupid . Arent you going to do something to prove that horses have some intelligence . All right, you found them. Stop showing off how smart you are. A household hint, wilbur store carrots in a cool, dark place to keep em fresh. Look, ed, if you talk on george burns show, youll be the idol of millions. Youll be on t. V. , in the movies. There wont be a filly in the world thatll be able to resist you. [laughing] ive got all i can handle right now. So youre not going to help me get the 25,000, huh . I think that offer burns made is a phony. Ed, im going to see mr. Burns tomorrow, and if he agrees to put up the money, whether you like it or not, oh, is, uh, mr. Burns in, please . Yes. Thank you. [telephone ringing] hello . Yeah, this is george burns. Yeah, thats true about the money. But the act has gotta be a great novelty act. What does your client do . He sings melancholy baby while you shoot him out of a cannon . Where is he now . In chicago . Well, shoot him out here, id like to look at him. And by the way, this is a long trip, have him learn 2 more songs. Goodbye. This is murder. Mr. Burns . Yeah, what do you do . Are you kidding . Im your secretary. Oh, im sorry, mary. What a day. I got rid of most of the acts in the reception room. Theres only 2 left. Good. Is that man still out there, who dives 600 feet into a rain barrel . Yes, sir. Uh, but he wants you to give his wife the money before he dives. Because he told me he never did the act before. Well, uh, tell him i cant use him. And if he ever does the act, tell him to put lukewarm water in the rain barrel. I wouldnt want a smart fellow like that to catch cold. Anybody else out there . And i know im gonna be sorry i asked. Yeah, some man who says hes got a talking horse. Talking . Is heis he sitting on our couch, or is he lying down . Hes sitting. Hes in the wrong position. Yeah, ill get rid of him. Mary, send him in. Will you come in . Oh, thank you. Mr. Burns, im mr. Post. So far youre doing good. I, uh, i read your story in the paper about your novelty act, and, uh, i have a horse that talks. Shame, youre such a young fella. Sit down. Thank you. You, uh, you say, you, uh, you have a horse that talks . Yes, sir. Uh, whatwhat language does your horse talk . Well, his native tongue is english, but hes very intelligent, and lately, hes been studying french. Nice to hear about your horse. But lets get down to business. Imimim looking for a novelty act, have you got anything like that . Well, my horse. He talks i mean, hed be a sensation well, at least it hasnt been kicked. Its a fresh idea. It might even be better than dean martin and his pink elephants. Mr. Burns, i dont think you believe me. Now what makes you say that . Of course, ive been married to gracie allen over 30 years, i believe anything. Wonderful would you talk to him on the phone . Of course, success hasnt gone to my head, i talk to anybody. Wonderful. Why are we smiling . I dont know. Ed, is that you . Yeah. Ed, i, uh, im with mr. George burns, uh, hed lie to say a few words to you. Well, ok. But tell him to make it snappy. Ricky starr is on t. V. In a few minutes. Heshes on phone now, huh . My horse. Yeah. Hello, horse . Hello, burns . Youre a horse and you talk, huh . Yes, but not to you. Goodbye. [phone slams] honestly, that was my horse talking. Excuse me, i must open the window. Oh, why . Im expecting somebody to fly in here from chicago any minute. I dont believe that you believe that my horse talks. [intercom buzzing] no, i dont. [door opening] mary did you buzz, mr. Burns . Yes, uh, will you show mr. Post out . He may have a little trouble finding it by himself. I understand. What if i find a witness . Somebody who will testify that my horse really talks. And i dont mean another horse. Get a witness and you got a deal. Good. Well, that should do it for the morning. Oh, no, mr. Burns. Theres a man who just came in who says he hangs from a wire by his teeth and dances the twist. Yeah, but he says hes tattooed all over, and when he does it, you see moving pictures. Get rid of him, id rather watch television. Yes, sir. [laughing] talking horse. [laughing] oh, brother addison hi, wilbur. Rog. Rog, you couldnt have come over at a more opportune time. Rog, were good friends, right . Of course. I mean, if i wanted you to do me a favor, no questions asked, youd do it, right . If you paid me back within the week. Yeah. Its not money. I want you to be a witness when somebody talks in their sleep. Do you think carol will allow me in your bedroom . No, its isnt carol, itits, uh, somebody else. See, he always talks in his sleep after a heavy meal, and i need a witness. So if i phone you, would you rush right over . All right. Who is this . Remember, rog, no questions asked. Good. Ill be waiting for your call. Who are you calling, wilbur . Uh, nobody, ed. Was he home . Look, ii was just calling the newspaper for tomorrows weather. Why . Did you think theyd send it today . Now look, ed, you are fighting sleep, and i cant stay here all this time. Ive had a hard day and im tired myself, so, ed, will you please go to sleep . All right. But, uh, tell me a story. Ok. [grunting] [sighing] which story do you want to hear, ed . Uh, about cinderella, that kid with the Glass Slipper is a gas. All right. Well, once upon a time, ed, there were 3 sisters, see . Now, the youngest of the sisters was called cinderella. Yeah, but her stepmother was very, very cruel to her. Thats it. Now, it happened that one day a handsome prince passed through their little town. Yeah, thats right, wilbur, have a nice sleep. Happy, happy dreams. Rockabye, bab wilbur in the treetop when the wind blows, the cradle will rock congratulations, mister ed, you are the first horse to ever receive a sheepskin. [laughing] it was nothing. Hello, congressmen. [coughing] cough drop, senator . Get lost, boy, im introducing a new bill. [clearing throat] fellow congressmen, were getting nowhere with people sense. Its time now for a little horse sense. So thats about it. Our boys just werent able to break this code, and well have to have your help again, mister ed. Mister ed . Im sorry, sir. Maj. Ed. Proceed, lieutenant. Well, sir, if you could break this code, wed know just where to drop you over enemy territory. Looks easy. But theres something i gotta do first. Pilot post. Yes, major, sir . Scratch my back. Oh, carrot. Give me a carrot. Its been 3 days. [german accent] do you tell us your countrys secrets, major, or do you starve . Never. I have but one life. Should i give him the hose . No. He ate the first one. You will save us a lot of trouble, my friend, if you just tell us what we ask you. I have only one thing to say to you rats. What is that . Help the a. S. P. C. A. Boys will get you for this man firing squad. Ready. Aim. Fire. Fire. Fire. Fire. Fire. No no dont shoot its all my fault whwhwhwhats the matter, wilbur . Ed oh, ed. Oh, thank heaven youre alive. Oh, what a terrible dream. [laughing] funny. Ed, never again will i force you to talk to anybody. Never. Uh, how about all that money . Oh, ed, id rather have you than 25,000. Id rather have you than 25,000 carrots. [laughing] you crazy horse. [laughing] you both have a perfect driving record. No tickets. No accidents. That is until one of you clips a food truck, ruining your perfect record. Yup. Now, you would think your Insurance Company would cut you some slack, right . No. Your insurance rates go through the roof. Your perfect record doesnt get you anything. Anything. Perfect for drivers with accident forgiveness, Liberty Mutual wont raise your rates due to your first accident. And if you do have an accident, for a free quote, call Liberty Mutual at switch to Liberty Mutual and you could save up to 509 call today at see Car Insurance in a whole new light. One more lump, please. Sorry, ed. No more sugar. Please, wilbur, just one more lump. Ed, im not going to have a horse with cavities. I promise to brush my teeth. I said no, ed. Oh. Oh, what a secret for one man to keep. Ed, you got no idea what a miracle this is. I mean, a horse talking. I know. I didnt believe people talked [both laughing]