[telephone ringing] i'll get it. thanks. hello? oh, hi, honey. well, gee, i--i was just gonna rest a while. all right, i'll be right in. there goes my nap. as soon as i get comfortable, my wife finds something for me to do. that's why you'll never see a horse with a wedding ring. [yawning] carol, did you want me? oh, wilbur, i got the most wonderful idea from the decorator's journal on how to rearrange all the furniture in our living room. oh, my aching back. honey, would you please move that couch over here, so it'll face the fireplace? carol, carol, please. look, i--i haven't slept for 3 nights. i am worn out. well, if you don't want to help me, just say so. ok, i don't want to help you. honey, it'll only take a minute. [sighs] ok. [yawning] you'll never see a horse wearing a wedding ring. huh? oh, nothing, nothing. [groans] you both have a perfect driving record. >>perfect. no tickets. no accidents... >>that is until one of you clips a food truck, ruining your perfect record. >>yup... now, you would think your insurance company would cut you some slack, right? >>no. your insurance rates go through the roof. your perfect record doesn't get you anything. >>anything. perfect! for drivers with accident forgiveness, due to your first accident. and if you do have an accident, our claim centers are available to assist you 24/7. for a free quote, call liberty mutual at switch to liberty mutual and you could save up to $509 call today at see car insurance in a whole new light. carol? hi, paul. hi, sweetie pie, how are ya? where's wilbur? is he out in his office? what-- oh, isn't that interesting. she's using wilbur for a doily. it's very original, but i don't think he matches the drapes. [sighs] wilbur! hmm-- oh! don't you think so? yes, but he clashes with the wallpaper. oh. [groans] oh. i--i--i must have d-d-dozed off. oh, it's those noisy neighbors we have. i haven't slept for 3 nights. neither has anybody else in this neighborhood. i came down to spend a quiet week with my sister and it's like living in a-- in a penny arcade. i'll help you, carol. wilbur, i've drawn up this petition, so we can do something about it. here, sign it. all right. uh, a-at the bottom. at the bottom, yeah. this is a pleasure, you know. boy, they have some nerve. we-- whoa! you've got more signatures here than there are people in the neighborhood. well, some of the people were so mad they signed it twice. smart idea. if there's anything i can't stand, it's neighbors who are thoughtless. yeah, neither can i. so give me back my pen. i'm sorry. i'm so sleepy i don't know what i'm doing, really. on account of those neighbors, i haven't done a bit of work all day. oh, i'd like to tell them off. give me that petition. i am gonna deliver this personally, right now! that's the old pepper in there. i should've done this after the first night. you know, you can only push me so far, and then-- watch out. somebody should go along with him. he might get into a fight. hey, that's a great idea. i'll do the dishes while you're gone, you tiger, you. oh, come, paul, you're such a fool. go on, brother dear. go on. hey, hey, wilbur. remember, don't lose your temper. after all, we hardly know anything about these people. we know they're noisy. oh. i don't know why you're backing down so suddenly. i mean, this whole petition was your idea. yes, but it was your idea to deliver the petition in person. uh, i've got a better idea. why don't we just slip it under the door and run? if you're scared, get behind me. scared? who, me? oh... [doorbell ringing] yes? how do you do? i represent a committee for-- we have a c-- it's a committee-- we have a... yes, why? ooh. allow me to introduce myself. i'm paul fenton, a neighbor of yours. how do you do? and i'm wilbur post, also a neighbor. all right. as a matter of fact, our backyards touch each other. how romantic. you said you are from some kind of a committee? yes, uh, it's a-- it's a welcoming committee. uh, oh, this is just an informal visit. the, uh, the cake and champagne will come later. that's very sweet of you boys. wouldn't you come in, please? yes. sure. we can only stay an hour or 2. this paper, is that for me? yes-- no! no, no, i mean, this is a little speech we wrote. but after seeing you, what is there to say but welcome to the neighborhood. when i rented this house, i didn't know it's going to be such a mish-mash. and with my maid gone for a week, i really don't know what i would have done without you boys. we'd have been here sooner if we'd have known your predicament. where do you want this, zsa zsa? willy, darling, why don't you put it right over there to the fireplace? [laughs] ok. i'm so lucky to have such wonderful neighbors. where do you want this, zsash? is that too heavy to take it upstairs to my bedroom? nah! say the word, i'll have it up on the roof. be careful, darling, careful. it's a matter of balance, you know. careful, darling. [groaning] i'll put it on the stairs while we're all... i--i-- careful! oh, ohh... [yelling] [crashes] [doorbell rings] paul fenton! what are you doing? i was just mopping the floor. (zsa zsa) paul, darling? "paul, darling"? (zsa zsa) hello. oh--oh, zsash-- i--i mean, zsa zsa... i mean, miss gabor, uh, this is my, uh... my, uh... my, uh... sister, remember? oh, oh, yes, my sister, kay. hello. zsa zsa gabor! what a surprise. so you're our new neighbor. only temporarily. i took this place for a month or 2. (wilbur) i've got it. i've got it, zsash. hi, carol! carol? willy, willy darling, are you hurt? no, no, i'm-- i'm all right, zsash. i mean, zsa zsa... i mean-- try "noisy neighbor." how do you do? carol, this is miss gabor. and i'd like you to meet paul's sister, kay. hello. kay, this is miss gabor. you've met paul. yes, of course. paul is kay's brother. yes. have you met carol? yes, thank you. several times. (zsa zsa) i think it's a wonderful idea, this welcoming committee. welcoming committee? yes. [telephone ringing] excuse me. i'll be back. [titters] she's kidding. hello? zsa zsa, this is jack brady. have you changed your mind, sweetheart, about doing that movie for my company? no, no, no, not if i have to ride a horse. you know i'm deadly afraid of horses. look, i ride anything. i ride a train, a hotrod, a yacht, a boat. i only ride things with a motor inside of it. goodbye. that silly man. i keep on telling him i don't want to make his horse picture. i'm not a cowsgirl. i'm zsa zsa gabor, i'm not wild bill buffalo. they're great animals. i used to feel the very same way you do, until we got our mister ed. he's smarter than most men. who cares about smart horses? i feel much safer on a stupid yacht. uh, i don't want to sound personal, miss gabor, but won't you be losing a lot of money by turning down this picture? yes, but what else can i do? look, why don't you drop by the house and meet our horse? i'd like to show you how gentle and friendly these animals can be. thank you very much. but i don't want to put you both through too much trouble. oh, no. no trouble at all. i mean, after all, what are welcoming committees for? [both laugh] hi, ed. hi. i'm going to spruce you up a little. zsa zsa gabor is coming over to see you. who's he? it's not a he. it's a she. with a capital she. miss gabor is one of the most glamorous stars in hollywood. uh-huh! how many? 2. not interested. ed, i want you to be on your best behavior today. see, miss gabor is deathly afraid of horses, so i want you to be real friendly. ok. the minute she walks in, i'll jump in her arms. (carol) wilbur, miss gabor is here. tell her to come right in, dear. look, i want you to be extra nice. don't do anything that might make her nervous. ohh! hold still! sheesh! right in here, miss gabor. that's mister ed, right in there. [chomping] hey, miss gabor. so this is mister ed. yeah, won't you come and meet him? no, thank you. if you don't mind, i'll just stay here and wave at him. hello. hello, horse. is he a natural blonde? goodness gracious, most women spend a fortune at beauty shops to get what he's born with. [all laugh] may i take your coat? one minute, please. oh, yes. don't be afraid of him. no, i'll try not to be. (zsa zsa) thank you! oh, my! what a beautiful mink! i'd better take it inside and hang it up before it gets dirty. be right back. thank you very much. oh, here you are. thank you. now, the first thing is to let a horse know that you like him. won't you come a little bit closer, huh? thank you. don't be afraid, miss gabor. he's all right. look at those great big brown eyes, huh? are you sure he's not going to bite me? oh, no. you'll never see a gentler horse than ed. you know, he reminds me very much of prince bandini. he has the same type of a nose, except the prince has a bump. [snorts] ahhh! he growled at me! [laughs] oh, no, that's just ed's way of saying hello. ed, bow for the lady. [laughs] bravo! he has wonderful manners. you know, i don't seem to be so afraid of him. willy, i would like to ask you a favor. you know, it would mean a great deal to me if i could do that picture. well, what can i do for you? do you think it would be possible for me to come over here a couple of afternoons and sit on the horse, so i get accustomed to him? (wilbur) oh, of course. and to make sure he's nice and soft, before you get here, i'll stuff him with hay. now don't make too much noise, anybody. i don't want mister ed to be nervous on his first day with me. come on, boris, bring the ladder, please. helen, you hold his back end, and marie, you hold his front end. ok, thank you. now, mister ed, please behave yourself. girls, hold him quietly on both ends. look, everybody! i am sitting on a horse! thank you, thank you. oh, it's so nice up here. now, come on, kids, what are we waiting for? come on. eddie, that's my good, beautiful, blonde horse. that's a good, beautiful horse. there, my dear. thank you, dear. now give one for mister eddie. well now, what was the letter i wanted to dictate to you this morning? oh, yes, it's meant for the tiffany's jewelers in new york. gentlemen, darlings: last month, an acquaintance of mine sent me a beautiful pair of diamond earrings for my birthday from your shop. i would very much appreciate if you would make up a matching necklace for my next birthday, which will be, incidentally, in about 2 weeks. [telephone ringing] hello? a transatlantic call from the duke of morovia. oh, the duke? tell him to call me back when he's a king. marie, darling, the perfume, please. there, thank you. i'm going to give a little perfume to mister ed. [all laughing] huh! look at him. he's smiling! he likes it! [telephone ringing] hello? mr. post? this is jack brady of brady productions. i want to thank you for all the help you've given zsa zsa. she's really fallen in love with that horse of yours. oh, i was sure she would. well, no, no. i... i don't mind zsa zsa riding ed in the picture. what? you're shooting the picture in australia? that's right. we'll be gone for... oh, at least 6 months. now, i'm willing to pay $5,000 for that horse of yours. i couldn't sell ed. uh, uh, look, we're sailing tomorrow at 4:00. and i've already promised zsa zsa we'd buy him. $5,000. uh, please, think it over. please! well, all right, but, uh, i won't change my mind. (wilbur) ed is not for sale. goodbye. [telephone disconnecting] $5,000 is a lot of money. i can't let him turn it down. [birds chirping] how do you like that, paul? zsa zsa's producer wanted to buy ed. of course, i turned him down. naturally. how much did he offer? $5,000. $5,000? and you turned him down? well, ed is like one of the family. well, so is addison, but for $5,000 i'd send him to australia. wilbur, don't be a fool. you call up that producer ed, what are you doing? packing my gear and extra shoes. i'm leaving. where are you going? well, uh, zsa zsa wants me to go to australia with her. zsa-- to australia? ed, d-do you want to go? i--i mean, and--and leave me? if i don't hitch my wagon to a star, somebody hitches a wagon to me. well, if--if--if that's-- that's the way you feel about it... that's the way i feel. oh, well, ed, then i--i guess this is goodbye. but you'll be seeing me soon, wilbur, on that big screen in glorious color. oh, i sure miss you, ed. well, at least i can still listen to your voice. nobody sang pretty little filly the way you did. (ed) hi, wilbur. by the time you hear this, i'll be on my way to australia. i didn't really want to leave you, buddy boy, but $5,000 is a lot of money, and i know you can use it. [ed sniffling] i--i hope carol likes the mink coat. i'll never forget you. your old stablemate, ed. [ship horn blaring] miss gabor, we can't possibly put this horse in a stateroom. please this is not a horse. this is my co-star. zsa zsa, it's regulations. all livestock has to travel in the hold. not my mister eddie. i won't let them treat you like an animal. if he travels in the hold, i travel in the hold. and i refuse to travel in the hold. miss gabor, please be reasonable. i am being reasonable. look, i'm not asking you to put him up at the captain's table. all i want him to have a comfortable cabin, so he can live like a human being. forgetting the rules, miss gabor, we don't have any accommodations. then he is going to sleep with mr. brady. now just a minute, zsa zsa... i'm taking ed back! what are you talking about? we made a deal. well, i changed my mind. see, i thought my wife wanted a mink coat, but she'd rather have ed. listen, i've got a fortune sunk in this picture. zsa zsa says she won't make it without your horse. if you pull him out now, i'll sue you for every penny you've got, i promise you. who says i won't make that picture without this horse? you said it! oh, if you listen to me, you'll go crazy. i can ride any horse in australia. and if it has to be, i'll ride a kangaroo! goodbye, mr. wilbur! and goodbye, my sweet darling mister ed! i have a secret for you. you are much sweeter than my prince. it isn't difficult, either. [both laugh] goodbye, miss gabor. bon voyage. merci. come on, ed. [sighs] well, you really cured her fear of horses. [laughs] yeah, and she cured my fear of hungarians. ah, come on home, ed. and jane wyatt, with elinor donahue, billy gray, and lauren chapin in father knows best. -but mommy, all the kids would laugh at me if i wore this dress to school.

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