[ applause ] [ music ] [ applause ] how would you like to meet a nice girl . Im married, but if nobody finds out, ill right. [ laughter ] id be delighted. Susan blakely is here, tonight. Oh, i shes very talented. Yeah, she was a former model, for magazines, television commercials, and now she is a very successful actor. She was in absolutely. And, uh richard chamberlains wife. Right, called report to the commissioner, in which she has one of the leading roles. Oh. Would you welcome, please, Susan Blakely . [ applause ] [ cheering ] [ music ] dont sit on mel. Silly mix sugar. Oh, thankthank you, for the yiddish. Isnt he a silly man . Silly. [ chuckling ] you were very good in that picture, by the way. Thank you. I havent seen report to the commissioner, yes. Now, really, report to the commissioner. Of mine, too. Murray, the nut . You know, the guy with the [ laughter ] i saw report to the moment, i said, gee, thats too bad. I said, thats a very small part. You know, because they do a flashback, in the thing, that shows, in the opening scene im dead. And youreyoure up, in this loft, and all of a sudden, youre shot. And i said, gee, shes a nice, talented young actress, but she didnt get much of a part, then, all of a sudden, its a flashback, of course, and youre in the entire picture. Well, i was so great at being dead, wasnt i . [ laughter ] you died. You die ii die nicely, also. But you die real nice. You died with your clothes off. Thats even harder. In that picture. And i dont breathe, at all. You dont see one breath. I always check that on people. Do you ever see a motion picture, where somebody is dying, and theyre standin there and they said, well, i guess well have to sell the ranch, and you see the guy lyin [ loud breathing ] [ laughter ] their stomach is going up and down. I know. But youyou were lying facedown, you see, so you when youre breathing. I did a picture, a while ago, with, uh it was freezing outside, and i die again. I havent worked much, when everyones dying. Yeah. And, uh what kills ya, you were gun fire. Uh, i get shot. Its a its a picture a remake of capone. Its called big al. And, uh, ben gazzara is capone, and he comes over the and he has this long monologue, where im supposed to be dead, and hes holding me. It was freezing outside, so if you if you let any air out, at all, you see it, you know . Right. So, i kept trying toto so carefully let a little bit of air out [ chuckling ] at a time, and he kept going on and on, you know . So, i finally buried my head. I let him i smashed my head up against his coat. Yeah. Youre a very good actress. Why dont they call it big ben . They didnt call it big ed big ben. They called it big al. Al capone. And big ben woulda been about the clock. Right. About a about a crooked clock. Can you see a can you see a movie about big ben, [ laughing ] that is part of the mafia . I dunno. All i do is chime. [ laughter ] what do you want from me . I didnt do nothin. Bong i was just there and took something i did, uh, up to 4 00, then i quit. [ laughter ] thats ludicrous. Im sorry. And youre not sorry. Youre just sayin that. Somebody told me you were an what they call an army brat. Your dad is in a military service, all his life, and you went from one post to another. I was a brat, my father was in the army, so, its what its called. Yeah. Whered you live . Well, i was born in germany. You were . And i lived there a lot. And i lived i [ speaking in german ] [ chuckling ] you dont like germans, do you . I hate em. [ laughter ] oh, no, its okay. I onlyonly hate nazis, and only inin blackandwhite old 30s movies. You know. Really . Yeah, really. You have to limit it. I mean, a kid is a kid. What do you do as a kid, you know. I know. I came back from germany, and i didnt know, uh ii used to mix up my words. I didnt know which was german and which was english. What did he say to you . Did he say anything at all . Who . Mel. No. No, no. Butbut iiii would [ speaking in german ] oh, yes. He said, well, how are you, this evening . Yeah, whatever. I remember a little of it. But i remember a kid drawing a theythey were gonna play war. I also know, heil hitler. No. All right, they were gonna play war. Go ahead. [ chuckling ] and, uh yes. [ laughter ] go go. Andand they said, the in the dirt, in thethe playground, a swastika which i had never seen. Ii didnt know anything about it when i was in germany. I was so young. And he said, were gonna play war. Were the americans, and youre this. This thing. This sign. I didnt know what it was, you know . But all i knew i was the only one, and they were all on the other side, you know . That was really sad. So, youyou were born in germany. Yeah. But, uh, he had your automatically had your american citizenship, there, because your father was a yes, i was an army brat. Then you came back, and got into comcommercials . Was that the first thing you did . Modeling . Modeling commercials. How ol how old were you, when you camecame back to the states . 10. But ii came back in between. So serious language problem. You probably knewknew as much german as english. I mean, you know, to use no, no, no. I came back, in between, for about four or five years. I went back, and, uh, i forgot german very quickly, when i found out how the americans felt about the germans. Where is your basic family . I mean, whatwhat part of the states . Now . No [ chuckling ] im sorry, john. [ laughter ] i have no intentions of taking over. Catch a nap, anyway, here. [ laughter ] uh, no, youre doin a great thing. Uh. Now, just but, tell us. Tell us. Just tell us. I was just gonna ask that, myself. [ laughter ] how old were you, when you came back here . And, uh, that must thats a terrible trauma, being 10, and coming back here. Dodo you mean where is my family from . Yes. Yeyes. Wherere your family from . [ laughter ] talk to him. [ fake screaming ] [ laughter ] talk to him. They originally came from, uh from here. Well, my father was you know, my father was an orphan who grew up, um, in the midwest, on different farms. And my mother grew up on a farm, in st. Joseph, missouri. So theyre real midwesterners. Or sisters . That was that was next. I usually go right to uncles and aunts, but, uh i ask about uncles first. Letslets do it in harmony do you have any brothers or sisters . Brothers and sisters. Are you gonna be top harmony . I have one brother. One, two, three, do you have any brothers or sisters . You see, its kind of a its called mr. Harmony. Harry harmony. How are ya . How are ya . My brothers waiting for this answer, in hawaii. Yeah. One brother. But, its enough, because hes six foot 10. I have a very gigantic youre kidding. [ applause ] youre very tall, yourself, arent you . No, im not that tall. I know youre not 610. But, i mean, youre tall, for a girl. Not for other girls. [ laughter ] fiveeight and a half . What were some of the commercials you did . You dont watch me, in between . You havent watched me, for years for six years, ive been doing commercials. Does anyone here recognize me . Ive done e few hundred i sold everything. I do do you . Murray, the nut. Thats the guy. [ laughter ] crazy what kinda products . Just everything . Anything. Everything. You did a motorcycle somebody told me. Yes. Yeah. Thats because ii lied. I thought that, um they said, can you ride a motorcycle . You must you got the commercial, if you can really ride a motorcycle very well. I said sure, because i thought i had a week. You should always do that. You know. Always say yes. Thats right. Im a very good comedian, by the way. Can you flying trapeze . Yes right. Anything. I can i can do it. But i thought i could learn, and the thing was it was too complicated. You had to get a permit to learn, and so forth, so i didnt have time. And i get to the commercial, and, uh, theres all these things with the gear shifts and this and that. And i try and get the guy whos got thethe motorcycles to tell me, very quickly, what to do. And, uh, ii wasnt too good on it, but we came zooming down a hill, and i went over a bump, and i went flying in the air, and i only got the hand brake. And if you dont get the foot brake, um connected to the thigh bone. Thethe front wheel stops. Right. So i went flying over the front. You know. And i really went flying over. But i had a director who was really very sweet, and so forth. And he said, get back up there the suns going down so, i went zooming back up, and i didnt have time to get really scared. I had a lot of things like that, in commercials. Yeah. Motorcy thats dangerous. Well, it was and it wasnt. The guy i was working with he had the little one the 100 cc, or whatever. He had been speeding for years, but hehe was on the different one. I had the 350, which i know nothing about motorcycles. I dont, either. Im just throwing out words and numbers. Yeah. Im not gonna help. Whatwhats next, mel . Come on. No, i dont wanna interfere. Youre not interfering. [ chuckling ] this is susans spot this is susans spot. No, this is Susan Blakely. [ laughter ] [ whistling ] spot, back uh, now im gonna but i but may i ask you some more questions . Huh . Uh, two hardboiled eggs. Now, may i ask may i ask you something . Certainly. Yeah. What do you think of me . [ laughter ] you know, when i first heard of you, i didnt know who you were. Before i saw the producers, which i really loved, my husband used to take the ferry out, to fire island, on fridays hold it. [ laughter ] no, no, no, no. No. Do me a favor. Do me a favor. Do me a favor. No, i wont. Are you from the midwest . Yes. Yeah, well, we say ferry. Go ahead. Keep goin. [ laughter ] ferry. Andand, uh, he said that there used to be this crazy ferry. This crazy, wonderful guy, who would make jokes and sing entertained, the whole way up. It was 3. 20, from one side to the other. If you entertained the folks on the ferry, it was nothing. So, i used to work, for 3. 20 i used to work. And i yeah. The ferry. No. I love to work the ferry thats not true. [ laughter ] no, no. No. But i was i was i was loose and crazy, inin my fireisland days. I was. Had a little appetizing star. You know that everybody in fire island has a pawn shop for garbage. You know, theyll eat anything. So, i opened this little store, and we had chicken wings and plucked tongues. It was wonderful [ laughter ] just wonderful. We sold everything with raisins in it, you know what i mean . [ laughter ] raisin. Yes. Meatballs with raisins. Everything in it. [ laughter ] we didnt make one thing that didnt have a raisin in it. I made over 50 a year. [ laughter ] so, your husband knew me, from fire island. Uhhuh. What does he do . Is he in our business . What does your husband hes a writer. Hes a writer ah. Do i know him . Whats his name . I dont know a todd. No. Not bernie, murray. [ laughter ] lenny, or seymour. Todd is hard for me. [ laughter ] hes jewish yeah, he is . Hes jewish, from brooklyn, but thats just a strange name. Ah you never met a todd before . Thats kind thats kind of a jewish name. Hes passing todd. [ laughter ] but, does he write serious or comedy or what . He writes everything. Hes a very good comedy hes a ubiquitous writer. Very good. Good word. That means being every place. Yes, thats right. All over. Thatthatthatthatll cover it. Nice word. See, when youre a success, youyou go right and get big words. You can buy them. When you make over 100 a week, nothing stops you. Thats right. Nothing. Go down, and pick up the frozen word section, and get new words, eacheach week. Now uh, one this guy what . I have to sell something. Okay. Then well come back, and, uh can i take can i take what . Nah, illill later. Can i have one, for later . Sure. [ laughter ] putput it in the bag. Well put it in your car. Yeah, ii were gonna be back, after this message, from excedrin pm, the pain reliever that helps you get a [ applause ] hi, im leeza gibons with an amazing story about how philips lifeline gives betty white peace of mind and gave my father a Second Chance at life. Daddy is invincible. Thats how we want to think about our parents. Knowing that dad lives alone, we worry. Thats why was so hard for all of us when he had his heart attack. I wasnt feeling well that day. The heart attack hit me, i fell to the floor, and i was trying to crawl back to the bed. Of course in excruciating pain. Im alive today because of philips lifeline. Philips lifeline is the number one medical Alert Service in the u. S. Today. You get fast easy access to help any time. Daddy was been a little resistant. Because he didnt want to seems vulnerable. He didnt want so seems old. We insisted. Im so grateful that dad had his philips lifeline. I dont know if he would have made it without it. I love you so much. I love you too, you know that. Philips lifeline offers the most widely adopted if a fall is detected auto alert will automatically call for help, so even if you cant push the button your self you still can get access to help any time at home or on the go. In my opinion any one over 65 with a medical condition that inhibits mobility. Particularly if they live alone needs a philips lifeline. With philips lifeline if i kluts up and falls down. Somebody will be there. Philips lifeline has been recommended by more than 200,000 Healthcare Professionals and serve more than 7 million seniors. Im proud to wear my philips lifeline. Shows that im smart enough to take care of my self. Innovation and you. With philips Lifeline MedicalAlert Service you get fast, easy access to help 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. Call today or visit www. Philipslifeline. Com dont wait i mean why dont take the chance [ music ] [ applause ] welcome to the mel brooks show ah now, this you know how great it is, to finally get you on this show . I been tryin for months and months. I havent been here for, what . Three or four years . Something like that. Well, you know and you were with me, the opening show i did. Yes, the first show you ever did. Joan crawford. Very first show. Uh, groucho marx was there. Thats right. Rudy vallee. Rudy vallee. And you. Yes. And me. And i s i think i stood on your desk, and i did tony bennett. Thats right. I did a lotta crazy things. Yes. But you know why its hard to do this show. I mean, susan, im sure because well, when susan does it, shell find out. Ostensibly [ laughter ] ostensiblyostensibly, youre just chatting, you know what i mean . Youre just chatting, and youre talking, and then and then you realize, somewhere in the middle of your heart, 10 Million People are watching [ laughter ] are watching. Theyre watching you. Youre not alone. Youre not in a living room, with two jews. [ laughter ] theres a lotta people, here. I think i got this right, didnt i . [ laughter ] leave it like this, for now. You know, bob rosefskys here, tonight, and ill bet hes thrilled about that. [ laughter ] cause he has a book out, called the money book. Oh. Bob has been with us, before, know what that is . Thats a bad factory second of a dumbbell that didnt turn out. [ laughter ] uh, anyway, he has a new book, called, uh hes got some old books, too, but this is the new one. [ laughter ] bob comes on and tells ya how to avoid, you know, being taken and getting ripped off, in todays society. Uh, and so forth and so on things like that. Would you welcome bob rosefsky . [ music ] [ applause ] a wonderful man who wants to invest. Remember the last time you were here . We talked about gold. Thats before gold became legal . Right. Right. And, uh, lotta people nobody rushed out and bought gold, did they . No yeah, the next day, i went yeah. No but nothing happened. Nothing happened. Nobody went out. Nobody bought it, and the price went down, about 25 an ounce, and the public wasnt so dumb. The, uh was sellin and it went down to 173, thereabouts. Why . Now, people say why . Because, the American Public proved that they werent as gullible as the speculators thought they would be. And im proud of them. I think they did a good thing. They put their money into savings, [ applause] and, uh, savings are flowing in, and thisll help people buy houses and cars right. And i think itll help things turn around, a little bit. Susan bought gold. [ laughter ] susan bought gold. Yes. She bought gold. My jewish husband was very careful. Way before that, though. He was stashing it away. Well, if youda bought it 10 years ago, youd be fine. But you couldnt legally. Thats true. No, you bought we bought coins. Coins. Oh, sure. Yeah, coins. Coins, right. Whats the big ripoff, now . There are there any ripoffs currently going . Well, yeah, theres, uh with unemployment, Old Snake Oil sam comes out, and when he finds a need, he fills it. And, uh, theres some things going on that are preying on the unemployed schools that promise you, uh, Training Courses in, say, Truck Driving, for example. Earn big money big money. Drive a semi. Ive seen that. Yeah. Federal trade commission is cracking down on a number of jobs, if you take the Training Course which costs hundreds of dollars and then you find out that there were no jobs there, in the first place. A lotta young kids get involved in these things and spend money and then find out that the young kids cant get the jobs that are available, because the truckers hire people whove had driving experience. So, there are no Truck Driving jobs. Precious few. How bout meat cutting, at home . I always [ laughter ] i always see, in those match folders have you ever seen that . Learn meat cutting at home, which sounds intriguing. Learn brain surgery. Theres a lotta things you can do, like that. Yeah. And, again, these things are well, thats how picasso started draw me, right . Wasnt it . Yeah, he [ laughter ] draw this little puppydog. He got the nose wrong, he put two eyes on one side of it, and the guy said, hey, wait a minute. We can have fun with this. [ laughter ] all started and, Pablo Picasso thats how he started. I dont lie. [ laughter ] all started all started from a match folder. Right, draw me. Draw me. Right. Remember that. And what about gutenberg . How bou the printing press. Thats right. It started with print me. [ laughter ] right . He made a press, and printed it, the guy became a millionaire. [ applause ] just generally say what not to get into, or to be careful. Well, ii try, now, in the money book, for example, to give people a program of meeting their longterm goals and their shortterm goals how to budget, how to save, uh trying to give them something concrete that they can do their Family Planning with. Now, the stock market has had a big jump, today. Now, will people say, hey, nows the time to well, a lot of people of course, the last, uh, six weeks or so had tremendous jump in the stock market, but i still maintain, most vehemently, that the stock market is a speculative device, not necessarily an investment device. You cant meet your longterm, certain, positive goals by taking chances on things. And the stock market is taking chances. I tell this story, in t