And featuring the legendary roots crew. Questlove 534, wisconsin yeah steve and now, here he is, jimmy fallon . . . . [ cheers and applause ] jimmy oh, hi, everyone welcome. Welcome, welcome, welcome. Thank you for being here. Thank you so much. Welcome to the tonight show. This is it. This is it. [ cheers and applause ] this is where you want to be. Im your host, jimmy fallon, of course. We have republican president ial nominee, donald trump on the show tonight, which means [ cheers and applause ] which means security is very tight. On their way in, everyone in the audience had to put their keys into a tray and their deplorables into a basket. [ laughter ] it took forever. It took a long time. [ applause ] its been a busy week for trump. Earlier today, he appeared on dr. Oz and said that he wants to lose about 15 pounds. [ light laughter ] ans [ cheers and applause ] just give me time to sweep up and close it. But it seems like everybodys talking about these leaked emails from former secretary of state, colin powell. Did you see these things . In one, he actually called dick cheney an idiot. [ light laughter ] cheney was very hurt. In fact, he said the comments broke his latest heart. [ laughter and applause ] bring in the cooler heart. Powell actually took shots at for instance, he called donald trump a disaster, and said Hillary Clinton screws up everything she touches. [ light laughter ] it didnt end there. It seemed like powell had a lot of problems with other people. I mean, take a look at this. First he wrote, there goes adele singing about another breakup. Its called wine, honey. Merlot and move on. [ applause ] steve what . Wow. Would not accept that. Jimmy merlot and move on. Steve and move on. Jimmy this next one, he says, whats with this putintrump bromance . I half expect to see you two in steve wow. [ laughter and applause ] jimmy i mean, catty. Steve catty. Hes really going for it. Jimmy finally, he wrote, pokemon go, try pokemon went. Overit. [ laughter and applause ] overit. Steve hes sending an in the email hes doing hashtags . Jimmy looks like he hashtagged his email. [ laughter ] oh yeah, yeah, yeah, thats right. Steve hes going for it, man. Jimmy well, hes just goofing with buddies. [ light laughter ] over on the democratic side, i [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] while next month shell be featured in bad timing magazine. [ laughter and applause ] Womens Health . Famously oh, a disaster. Did you guys see this . Yesterday, the director of the fbi suggested that people put tape over their laptop webcams to avoid being spied on. Im a little concerned, because last night i wt put tape on my webcam, and then i heard my neighbor yell, oh, man [ laughter ] some news from overseas, the chief of the European Union is dismissing rumors that hes an alcoholic after he was seen staggering out of a meeting, saying he just has a balance problem. [ laughter ] and Hillary Clinton was like, sure, and i was just overheated. Yeah. Exactly. [ laughter and applause ] selfies with a group of russian brides who were about to get married. Then he told the brides, okay, into the mail you go. [ laughter and applause ] enough selfies. Enjoy new life in florida. This is interesting, here. A new study finds that if youre drunk around sober people, youll think youre less drunk than if youre around other drunk people. And if youre drunk around sober people, chances are youve got a problem. [ laughter ] hey, who who wants to order some strippers . This is a sales meeting, carl. [ laughter ] just me, i guess . [ hiccups ] no one does that anymore. Steve i know. Jimmy drunk people. Hiccupping drunk. [ hiccups ] i just had tee martoonis. [ light laughter ] this is pretty crazy cool. I just read about a a 100yearold tortoise named diego, who has singlehandedly saved his species from extinction by fathering over 800 babies. Just keep in mind, somewhere out there, theres a tortoise thats having way more sex than you are. [ applause ] lets keep that in mind. Yeah. . . Thats right. Steve shell. Jimmy a 100yearold tortoise named diego is being credited with saving his species from extinction by fathering over 800 babies. It wasnt easy to meet and reproduce with all those female tortoises, but luckily, diego used some tortoise pickup lines. For example, t im actually wearing it right now. [ laughter and applause ] these are tortoise pickup lines. Steve thats a tortoise pickup line. Thank you for explaining that. Jimmy then he said, just to be safe, youre 118, right . [ laughter ] and finally, he said, im a a tortoise on the streets, but a hare in the sheets. [ cheers and applause ] we have a great show tonight. Give it up for the roots . . . . [ cheers and applause ] jimmy its been a great week so far. Theres more ahead. Tomorrow night, the one, the only miley cyrus will be here. Miley. Steve hey [ cheers and applause ] jimmy miley and i are going to catch up about her new role on the voice, and were going to play a fun game together. Then shes going to perform for us. So be sure to tune in for that, its going to be a great show. Plus on monday, democratic president ial nominee, Hillary Clinton will be stopping by. And we have music from ariana grande. Its going to be good. [ cheers and applause ] but first, youre all here on a a huuuge night. [ cheers and applause ] republican president ial nominee, donald trump is joining us tonight. [ cheers and applause ] plus, hes one of my favorite comedians ever, and he wrote a a book called based on a true [ laughter ] based on its his life. Norm macdonald is on the show tonight Norm Macdonald [ cheers and applause ] finally has a book out. And we have great, great music from kiiara, ladies and gentlemen. Shes going to be on tonight. [ cheers and applause ] sounds good. Some good dance pop music. Guys, it is time for tonight show hashtags. Here we go. . Hasthtags hashtags . Jimmy here we go. You guys are on twitter, right . Do you use twitter . [ cheers and applause ] we use twitter, on our show every single week, so if you watch our show and want to play along, we do this thing every wednesday where i send out a a hashtag and we ask like colin powell would do. Steve yeah. [ light laughter ] jimmy and we ask you guys to tweet out things based on that topic. So, since school is back in session and students are getting to know their teachers, i went on twitter and sent out is weird and asked you guys to tweet out something funny, weird, or embarrassing about a a teacher that youve had. We got thousands of tweets. Within 30 minutes it was a a trending topic in the u. S. , so thank you for those tweets. [ cheers and applause ] now i thought id share some of my favorite my teacher is weird tweets from you guy. Here we go. This first one is from amandarooney. She says, economics professor would walk into class and say, all aboard the economic express, and we all had to respond with choochoo [ cheers and applause ] steve come on. Jimmy i like it. Steve train of thought. Jimmy i think its cool. Thats good. This one im just gonna keep chugging along. [ light laughter ] this one is from leoxavierbp. He says, during an exam, my teacher held up a newspaper with with two holes in it and he spent the whole exam looking at us through those holes. [ laughter ] you know we can see you, right . This ones from kattrott. She says, during my junior year at perdue, my professor fake karate kicked a guy for coming in late and ripped his pants. [ laughter and applause ] just trying to do a bit. Steve aw. Oops. Jimmy this ones from tonymac84. He says, i had an english teacher in high school that passed out from using three nicotine patches at once. [ laughter ] steve thatll do it. Jimmy he had balance problems. He just has a he has a a balance problem. Steve jam jar lids . Jimmy jam jar. Steve like jam jar binks . Jimmy jam jar. Steve jam jar. I love jam jar binks. Jimmy no, thats jar jar binks, you mean. Steve oh, i thought it was jam jar binks. Jimmy no. She says, our choir teacher tried to convince us that his evil twin brother was going to sub for him for a few weeks. It was him in a fake goatee. [ laughter ] steve he was just having fun, man. Jimmy he should not be teaching steve just trying to keep it on the real. She says, all of my sisters had the same teacher. Last day of senior year, he looked at me and said, please tell me youre the last one. [ laughter ] its like, hey. Rude. Steve rude. Jimmy this one is from belleofbabble. She says, my fifth grade teacher would put on bill nye the science guy, then glare at the tv and mutter, that could be me. [ laughter ] my evil twin. Steve or my evil twin. Craig. Jimmy this last ones from reneegillespie. She says, my latin teacher in high school wore all black every day. When we asked her why, she told us she was mourning the future. [ laughter and applause ] there you have it. Those are our tonight show hashtags. To check out more of our favorites, go to tonightshow. Com hashtags. Stick around. Well be right back with republican president ial nominee, donald trump, ladies and gentlemen. [ cheers and applause ] so you have 20 more bags. My Yoga Instructor calls it the death spiral. I call it living the dream. With the blue cash everyday card you get cash back on purchases with no annual fee. Its more than cash back. Its backed by the service and security of american express. I am sebastian artois. Ibrewmaster. Risktaker. K. I sold everything i had to own a brewery. Were going to prove just how wet and sticky your current gel antiperspirant is. Now, were going to show you how degree dry spray is different. Degree. It wont let you down. These pants always smelled like yogaaroma. Id wash them, and itd be back before i even got to class. Finally, i discovered new tide odor defense. It eliminates the yoga aroma. So i can breathe easy hummmmm. . . Is the republican nominee for president of the United States of america. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome donald trump. [ cheers and applause ] . . Jimmy its nice to see you. Nice to see you. Back to the show. I appreciate it. Always love it. Jimmy donald, this is getting real. This is yeah. Yes, this is getting real, i agree. [ light laughter ] jimmy you still have time. Do you still want to do this . I meant theres time. [ laughter ] were doing well. Its been really a lot of fun and its an Amazing Movement all over the country. Its been incredible, so, no, its been an honor for me, i have to say. Jimmy theres probably kids watching you right now at home watching. They do stay up late and watch our show. [ light laughter ] well, i think you want to grow up and be president because you want to help people and you want to help people, theres tremendous problems that people in this country have and all over the world, and if you want to help people, theres no better position to do it from than the presidency. So we can do a lot of good. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy did you always see yourself did you always see yourself getting into politics . I really never did. I probably wouldnt have done many of the shows that ive done over the years if i had. Happen. Four years ago, i really, seriously considered it. And they renewed, as you know, they wanted me to stay and do the apprentice and i was doing all of these jobs and but i really wanted to do it and ultimately i decided id wait and lets see how things go with the country and things only got worse, and i decided to do it. And you know, i gave up a lot by doing this. Its a tough thing. Theres nothing easy about it. And ive always heard doing this is a very, very difficult jimmy it is, right. I mean, its been a long its grueling. Its grueling and but at the same time, very satisfying, you know, you see whats happening. You see whats going on, so its very satisfying, but its a grueling process. Jimmy do you think your business background helps you with campaigning . Like, like, like if you have, like, you have to target, like, say you need women from 25 to 40, that age group, do you target that . Well, i think where it helps. [ laughter ] jimmy thats good, right . Is that too businessy . Im trying to figure that one out. Jimmy im halfway through your book. [ laughter ] its pretty good. Its pretty good. Were going to get that one soon. But you know, yeah, i think business will always help. It helps from a country standpoint. Its interesting, when i was doing the primaries, i spent less money than other people and i did better than other people, and thats what we want to do for the country. We want to spend less money and do better. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy talking about how long and grueling it is, have well, i think the press has become more and more vicious. I think, you know, it was interesting when i had we started off with 17 and you had some of them in here, and one by one by one. Jimmy we had about 15. You had about 15 on here, not all 17, but you had a lot of them. But you know, we had 17 people and as it got down, you know, i do notice theres a big difference with the media. I also say though theres even more love out there. People want this to happen. They really want it to happen and you see whats going on even today with the polls where the polls are so good, we just got a great poll from colorado, normally a republican wouldnt do particularly well there, and were leading in colorado and were leading in iowa. Were leading in ohio and florida. Were leading all over, and its been amazing. Its been really amazing. Jimmy do you Pay Attention to the polls . Oh, i love the polls. Jimmy you do . [ laughter ] but i dont Pay Attention if im losing or lagging, i never mention it. Only when im winning. Jimmy ive noticed that little changes. I think your voice has changed a little bit. Because ive done i hate to break it to you, but ive done impressions of you once or twice on this show. [ laughter and applause ] you have. Jimmy thank you for letting me do that. A very good impression. Jimmy thank you. But when you first started running, you were very high viced. Your voice was very high, and china, youd say china and a a lot very high. And then youve gotten to a a stage where you were just yelling. You were yelling into the microphone at people and you were yelling at everyone and like you dont even need the mic. And now youre more of like a a smoky, silky [ cheers and applause ] like a donald trump alec baldwin impression type of voice. Thats what youre doing. [ laughter ] were doing. [ laughter ] its been amazing to follow and exciting because you say the most shocking things. [ laughter ] i cant even believe. But im trying not to anymore. Jimmy yeah, oh yeah. Yes. See, thats changing. Yeah. See, thats what im talking about, so, yeah. [ cheers and applause ] you do something, because everyones saying, oh, is there a bromance between Vladimir Putin and all this stuff and what is the celebrity nickname for you guys and i thought of vlump. [ laughter ] but you said, if he says great things about me, ill say great things about him. Well, look, i dont know him. And i know nothing about him, really. I just think if we got along with russia, thats not a bad thing and getting along with other countries, the democrats try to say i like him somehow. I dont like him. I dont dislike him. I dont have any feelings one way or the other. And its not going to matter what he says about me. If he says good things or bad things about me, im going to make great deals for our country. Im interested in the success of our country. And right now, i mean, you see whats happening. You see whats happening just generally speaking, and we have a long way to go, but they do try and pin me into this, and im saying to myself, you know, i dont even know him. All of a sudden, you know, they make it like hes my best friend. I dont know him. What i want is whats right for the country. Thats all that matters to me. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy first debate first debate is september 26 at hofstra university. Lester holts is moderating. You dont traditionally prepare for the debates. Well, i prepare. I mean i certainly prepare. I never debated before the other 11 debates. I was in 11 debates, you know, in the primary system. And i loved it. I really liked doing it, but i never debated professionally or from a political standpoint before, but i enjoyed that process. And i look forward to the next debate, and lester is the moderator. I think its very tough for thought matt lauer did a a fantastic job and theyre trying to game the system by saying trump won the debate because matt lauer wasnt as tough on trump as he was on Hillary Clinton. And that wasnt it. I mean he was tough on me and he was tough on her. But theyre trying to make it so that lesters going to come out and really be tough on me. And i think its unfair. I mean theyre trying to gain the system. So i said, lets not have a a moderator. Remember the famous you wouldnt remember this, of course. Abraham Lincoln Douglas. Remember the Lincoln Douglass debates . Jimmy are you kidding me . I watch it all the time on youtube. [ laughter ] no moderator. No moderator. I would have like to have seen that. That was supposed to be quite the debate. Jimmy but who would go first . Who would talk first. Well i dont know. You know . Jimmy flip a coin . Do you know what a coin is, by the way . [ laughter ] a coin is tiny, beautiful thing. I got to i got to show you. Ill give you a coin backstage. Youll love them. [ laughter ] but yeah. No, but the concept of having us both sitting on stage or standing on stage, i like standing much better. Debating, you know, they used to do debates that way. Jimmy right. I think it would be fascinating for people. I think it would be fascinating. But i think theres a lot of outside pressure being placed on lester that is unfair, but i think its unfair to me, but thats okay. But i think its unfair to lester. Jimmy yeah, because hes got to really got to over prepare, i guess. Hes got to hammer me, and i think thats not the right thing to do. Jimmy right. But matt, i have to say, i thought matt lauer did a a fantastic job in that debate. Jim l we love matt lauer. Were a fan of matt lauer here too. Youve you said on our show before that youve never really apologize until unless you really feel the need to apologize. I dont love apologizing. [ light laughter ] im not im not thrilled about apologizing. But ill apologize if im wrong about something. Jimmy yeah. Have you ever played the board game, sorry . [ laughter ] no, i sort of like monopoly better than that. Jimmy absolutely. I see that. Yeah. Whats your goto property . Well, i dont know. I think maybe maybe fifth avenue. Jimmy oh, yeah . Is there a fifth avenue . No, but theres going to be. Jimmy in real life. Youre playing monopoly in real life. Yeah, we play different monopolies. Ye you handled that very well, saying i hope she gets better. Have you gotten close to getting sick through this whole campaign . Is this wood or is this formica . Jimmy its wood. Its a veneer. No, i havent. Ive really been well were going, in fac